Pilot: Jake the Ranch Hand
Story PilotJake the Ranch HandThe earliest I remember is my brothers and sisters climbin' on me and
bitin' my tail. My mom licked my face a lot; everything was white and noisy. Let's
see... There were lots of other families livin' there, not just my mom and our
litter. I remember this bell on the door that kept ringin' for no reason and
the humans talkin'. Some humans would visit our litter and pick us up, cuddle,
then put us back. Sometimes they didn't put one of the litter back, and nobody
stopped them. I never saw my brothers and sisters again once they left out the
door with the bell on it. I still wonder where they ended up.I got picked up by this little family livin' in Dallas before I could
even walk. They had just sent their last two kids off to college, whatever that
is, and they wanted to bring some noise back into the house to fill the space.
I guess they got what they asked for. I spent most of my childhood somewhere
between barkin' at the plants and chewin' on the bars of my cage.I don't know why they kept me in there. Eventually I figured out that
they'd stop throwin' me in if I didn't bite on their shoes. The woman had
pretty tasty shoes to be honest. I liked the ones with the tall heels; it made
the gnawin' feel better between my teeth. The legs on the dinin' room chairs
were good, too. I liked them better because my teeth could sink into the wood a
little bit more than the shoes. Eventually they made it clear that those were
off limits, too. I remember the stack of chewin' bones they had in the pantry
for me. Pretty soon it became a kind of game. If I was good, they gave me a
bone, and, if they gave me a bone, I wouldn't try to eat their pillows. Not
that I don't still want to.Thing is, I have no idea what the Humans are sayin'. They look at me and
start gettin' loud, but I just stare at them while they wave things in my face,
waitin' for something to make sense. I know my name at least, but that only
makes it harder to avoid them. I can't stop my ears from foldin' back when they
take on that tone, and then they know they caught me. Over the years, I've
learned some of their words: sit, lay-down, stop, fetch-the-remote, and some
other words they say with a really high-pitched tone like, walk, bone, and
bath. The basics are important, I guess.I'm not the only dog in the house. There's a really old Lab, David, who
sits in the window and sleeps all day. He yells at me less than the Humans, but
I don't think he likes me at all. He never wants to play, and it's impossible
to have a conversation with him. It's even more frustratin' because he's the
only person I can understand around here. The only other people I can talk to
live out on the ranch, and they're not very invitin' since we work together
every day.My owners have this ranch, and they keep all kinds of feral animals here.
I guess they're collectin', because I can't see a reason to have this many in
one place. We crossbreeds got adopted by the Humans to help out on the ranch.
We have three horses and a bull. I don't think the Humans know about the owl
guy that sleeps in our barn or the cats that loiter around the cow pens and
steal milk. My job is really just to help out where I can and keep an eye out
for feral coyotes and trespassers. I get to run a lot, so that's good. The
horses do all the heavy liftin', and the bull keeps the ferals in check. I'm
not sure what the Humans do, but I'm sure they're workin' just as hard.I don't really mind that I don't have friends. Somethin' about bein'
alone is easy. I don't have to worry about anyone likin' me. I do the work and
they let me go off on my own to play. I spend a lot of time thinkin' about what's
out beyond the fence. I went out into the woods when I was younger, just to see
what was out there. I ended up lost. I'm not sure how long I was gone, but I
remember how happy the humans were when they found me again. They put this collar
around my neck. David says it tells the humans where I am in case I run off
again, and it shocks me if I'm too far from home.I was glad to come home. I didn't find anythin' interestin' in the woods
except these cool mushrooms, but they weren't good food at all. I felt sick for
a week. I tried asking the humans if they'd take me out past the fence, but
they never do. They probably can't understand me. Oh, well. I guess the people here
are kinda' my friends in the end. Even if I don't really know them, I'd be
lonely if they weren't around.Yeah, life is good. We've had a lot of adventures here. If you've got the
time, I've got plenty of stories to tell.