Chapter 14: You Can't Have Me Anymore
#14 of The Mating Season
Chapter 14: You Can't Have Me Anymore
The morning they were to set out for the summer village, Kel made it up in his mind to convince Zaldon to come back with them. He stocked his traveling pack with the supplies Lynny had generously given them all, smiling every now and then at Aliona and doing his best not to appear worried as he thought of what he was going to say to Zaldon. How could he possibly convince Zaldon to come back with him? Zaldon had been adamant that he must stay behind, that he must take his uncle's place and care for the wives and children that he himself had turned overnight into widows and orphans. Kel didn't know what he was going to say, but he knew he was going to try. After falling in love so deeply with Zaldon, how could he live without him now?
And so they set out early from Lynny's hut. Lynny shook everyone's paws, bidding them farewell, wishing them all a safe trip, and expressing his hope that they would return. When Lynny shook Kel's paw, he winked at him and puckered his lips in a silent kiss, and Kel felt his embarrassment growing when Loryn looked quickly between the two and grinned.
"We can never thank you enough for your hospitality," Kel said politely, and his face flushed when Lynny answered, "No, you never can, can you?"
Kel got the feeling that Lynny wanted to wrench him into his arms and kiss him, but Lynny let go of Kel's paw, and to Kel's relief, he merely bid them all farewell again.
As the party was moving toward the village gates, Kel told them to wait for him. He, unlike the rest of the group, had not said his goodbyes to Zaldon. They agreed that they would wait, and Kel made his way quickly toward Zaldon's hut.
Being the village sorcerer's hut, the place was very busy. Arorta, Nisma, and Nasma were gathering up the children and preparing to set out for the morning routine of minding their livestock when Kel arrived asking after Zaldon. They smiled and bid him good morning and told him that Zaldon was just inside, finishing his breakfast. Kel took a deep breath and entered the hut, never dreaming that the three wives had exchanged wise smiles in his wake.
When Kel entered, the hut was gloomy, the fire burning low, and Zaldon was sitting in a fur chair hunched over a bowl. He paused in surprise when he saw Kel standing there, his ears pricking forward, his eyes blank. But he gestured for Kel to sit and finished off the bowl.
"Didn't expect you to come," Zaldon said, lurching up from his chair. He cast the empty bowl in a basin with other dirty bowls floating in soapy water. He stood with his back to Kel and flexed his powerful shoulders, and Kel felt himself stirring.
"Why wouldn't I come to say farewell?"
"Well . . . I figured it would be too hard. And now that you have Aliona back . . ."
Kel shook his head and crossed the room to Zaldon. And when Zaldon looked in Kel's eyes, he knew suddenly what the other wolf had come for. He shook his head at once and started to turn away, but Kel grabbed his arm and pulled him back.
"I'm not coming with you, Kel," Zaldon said gently, looking down at the smaller wolf. "And . . . that's all there is to it." He touched Kel's lips a moment, almost as if he wanted to kiss them. He started to draw his paw away, but Kel caught it fast and kissed it.
"Yes, you are! You can't honestly tell me that you'll be happy here living as a sorcerer with all these responsibilities thrust on you! Without ever being able to -- to make love to a male! You know damn well you're going to miss it! You know it!"
Zaldon studied Kel with miserable eyes a moment before he whispered, "I do know it." He moved closer to Kel, and backing him into the wall, he kissed him hard on the mouth. Kel trembled under the ferocity of the kiss and was weak when Zaldon's paws roamed all over his body, over his hips, over his buttocks. Zaldon pressed his forehead to Kel's and Kel felt him trembling as he whispered hoarsely, "God, I'm going to miss you! I'm going to miss you blind! You shouldn't have come, Kel!"
Zaldon roared the last words and turned away, stalking into the room. He went to the hook where his feather cape was dangling, the feather cape apprentice sorcerers wore. Kel watched as Zaldon whirled the cloak over his shoulders and could not mask his misery.
"I can't go back to that life," Zaldon said to him, fumbling to gather his staff from the wall. "I can't go back to dangling on a thread, knowing that we'll never be together, that we'll never live our lives together. No matter that I make love to you, it just gets worse. Sex isn't love, Kel. And I'll just go on suffering. I'll just go on loving you -- Goddamn it!"
In his agitation, Zaldon couldn't tie the feather cloak around his throat. He dropped the staff on his foot in the process of catching the cloak from falling. Feeling a wave of pity, Kel moved across the room and helped Zaldon tie the cloak on. Zaldon's side had been bandaged from the stab he'd taken during the challenge, and Kel did his best to avoid brushing the wound as he tied the cloak on.
Zaldon stood very still, looking down at Kel as he worked, and when Kel looked up again, he was stricken by the longing, the ache in those dark eyes.
"Is it such a bad thing if you love me?" Kel demanded. "I would give myself to you at every tail chaser meeting. And only you would have me! Only you could touch me. I would love you --"
"Kel," said Zaldon gently and cupped his face, "it's not the same. I know you love me, but if I can't have you, I won't stand by and watch as someone else does. This is all my own fault: I should have said no when you asked for me that morning on the cliff. I could have."
Kel smiled in spite of his sudden tears. "No, you couldn't."
"You're right," said Zaldon. "I couldn't."
And Zaldon kissed Kel warm and passionate on the mouth. Kel thought as Zaldon's kiss grew more hungry and more urgent that Zaldon was going to come back with him, that everything was okay again, but Zaldon pulled back and whispered, "Goodbye, Kel." He moved as if he would pass Kel to the curtain, but Kel clung to him, and they stood with their foreheads pressed together, their heads bowed.
"But . . . I want you," Kel whispered. "I want you to come back!"
"I know," answered Zaldon, touching a tender finger to Kel's tear. "But you can't have me. Not anymore."