FSE

Furry search engine

formerly SoFurry search engine

2.

I pulled a bottle of sparkling mineral water out of the fridge. "Jody," I said to my glorious self, "you earned this." The second that chilled bubbly liquid hit my lips I was in heaven. The carbonation tickled my tongue and sizzled on the way down.

What was I celebrating? My little web show hit a new high of two hundred and thirty-seven live viewers. Far from the fame I was starting to crave, but not bad for a fennec who two months ago set up a webcam and started streaming his scattered thoughts on all things. Mostly sex things, which, let's be honest, draws a crowd, but I can chit chat about everything. It's like at the clubs when me and some furs are just sitting around a table shooting the breeze.

My ears pricked. Not an easy task with all the rings and studs my giant canvas was loaded down with.

In the hall. There was banging.

Now yelling.

Now silence.

Meh. The tenants weren't exactly a reserved lot.

I took my water to the comfy leather chair and prepared myself for a night of catching up on Vaudeville Blues, my favorite show about a cop that gets partnered with a vantriloquist. And they solve crimes. So cool.

The noises repeated themselves.

I put down the remote and fizzy water and listened. One more time and the knock-yell-shush would be considered a pattern...

And there it was. Now I was obligated by my innate curiosity - I think one of my great-great-great-great-great grandparents must have had some feline in them - to see what was going on. I know, it's probably just a drunk fur who's lost, but maybe I could at least point them in the right direction before someone calls the cops.

And when I do a good deed, I reward myself with a cookie. So, win-win.

I get to my door and the second my hand touches the knob: slamslamslam! I jump back in shock. Suddenly a cookie doesn't seem worth the risk. I keep quiet, hoping whoever it is will go away.

Slamslamslam!

Persistent. "Um, one second, I just have to holster this flame thrower." That'll scare 'em!

With my shoulder braced against the door, I open it a crack. "Alex! What in the world-"

The wolf whips his head, getting his messy hair out of his striking green eyes.

"Come in, Alex! Is everything alright?" As soon as I step back, he shoves the door wide. I coughed at the overwhelming stink of beer that wafted in.

"Everything's not alright," the wolf growled at me. At me! "You. You need to explain," he pointed, falsely assuming I knew what the hell he was talking about.

He stepped in, nearly tripping over his own feet.

I clasped my hands over my mouth. "Alex. You're drunk!" There was no way I could contain my mirth. "You poor wolf. Come sit down. I'll make you some coffee."

"No!" He surprised himself, dialed back the anger and tried again. "No. Jody... Jody, Jody, Jody. I want answers."

"Alright," I'd never seen him like this. It was exhilarating.

Alex scratched his head, concentration strained his face. Likely he was having trouble recalling the questions he had. Oh God. When he focused, his tongue poked out the side of his mouth. A strapping young fur with the innocence of a puppy. It drove me insane.

"You," he started slow, his thoughts gaining steam as he went. "Why did you do this to me? Are... are you teasing me?"

My head tilted. "Teasing?"

"Do you just like to make me blush?" He growled at my continued look of confusion. "Here!" he pulled off his shirt and threw it at me. At least, I assume he was aiming at me, but it landed somewhere to my left. "Am I uncomfortable enough?"

My eyes widened. I'd never seen Alex without a shirt. He had the just-a-hint of definition that a fur not obsessed with his looks, but still active, gets. I wiped my mouth, making sure I wasn't drooling. Was I dreaming, or did I O.D.?

"A-are you trying to seduce me, Mr Adlin?"

He didn't look happy. He folded his arms, criminally taking away my perfect view of his chest. "Do you like me?"

His voice lost its slurr. There was no confusing the deeper meaning in those words. And there was no way I could lie to him. "Yes, Alex. I do like you."

Don't ask me why. We'd be here all day trying to understand the infinite reasons I was drawn to this wolf.

"That kiss..."

I knew I shouldn't have, but we were alone, and I wanted him to know. "I wanted to thank you for being here. In my life." The hard look on his face hurt. He didn't want me.

"And the other thing?"

Even being drunk, he knew I knew what he was talking about. "I was crying. I needed comfort."

He shook his head, knowing I was holding back. "Why?"

"It was an emotional thing, seeing love bloom like that."

"Stop it, Jody! I'm sick of everyone treating me like a kid. If you don't want to tell me, I'll leave." His head swiveled, "where the fuck is my shirt?"

"Do you really want me to tell you? Do you really want to know what goes on in my fucked up head?" Now I was getting angry.

"Yes!"

"Fine! I was crying because that wasn't me! I thought I loved your brother for a long time, years ago. It just brought back a lot of memories. And it made me sad, ok? Sad that I couldn't have that with him, and then sad that I couldn't have that with you."

"With me? Why would- Why can't you have that with me?"

"Alex, this is really a conversation we should be having when you're sober." Or when I'm drunk.

"I'm not drunk! Why can't we have what Trent and Valmick have?"

I rubbed at my eyes in frustration. "For one, you are straight." That's usually the biggest obstacle to overcome. Kinda stands out, too.

Alex scratched at his messy hair again and walked past me. I pushed the door closed and followed after him. He sat down on one of my leather recliners, making himself at home in a way sober-Alex would never have the courage to do.

"How do you know?" He finally spoke.

"Well... are you?" Easy enough way to find out.

"I'm not sure anymore."

Maybe that wasn't such an easy question. "You mean since you got drunk? Because that's the alcohol talking."

"No, you jerk. I've been wondering since that night."

Damn. "We... We could find out."

"We could," Alex agreed.

I was dreaming. I had to be. There is no way my crush was drunk and willing, shirtless, in my living room. I reached a hand under my shirt and started to twist the bar pierced through my nipples.

"Ouch!"

Nope. Not a dream. Have to stop this now before it goes too far. "Alex, Alex, Alex. You're drunk. So not in your right mind. I-if I let you go on like this, you will kill me in the morning. Now stop joking around, and help me find your shirt."

He just sat there with that grim look of disapproval. Those dark, brooding eyes shaded by his untamed hair. Oh, did I find that attractive!

"Trent would kill me if I let you take this prank too far." I forced a laugh, high pitched and fast, and motioned for him to follow me. "Help me with this couch. It's a pullout, but I've never used it before. You can sleep it off." Don't just sit there, Alex. My will is not that strong.

"Put your penis in me."

I jerked upright, wrenching my back and sending a couch cushion knocking over a lamp. "Alex, please! You have no idea what you're saying right now."

"Yes I do. It's how you have sex. If you aren't just playing with my emotions, you'll have sex with me. You'll have to show me how gays do it," he stood up and started loosening his belt, "but I think I have a general idea."

Faster than I normally am - and I'm freakin' fast, let me tell ya' - I was back across the room, having jumped the coffee table like it was only a puddle. "No!" I grabbed his hands, yanking them away from his pants. "No. No-no-no. No. Alex, no. We can not do this. You are really, really not in full control of your faculties. And Trent would literally kill me."

My mind went into self preservation mode. "Trent doesn't know you're here, does he?" And peaceful as my dearest friend is, this really looked like the kind of situation that could bring out the feral in him if he got the wrong idea.

Alex's eyes looked glassy. I shook him gently. He registered this and looked at me. "I should go."

That was simply out of the question. "No, Alex. You're going to lay down. And in the morning, when you're feeling better, we will talk."

Alex looked down and his ears flattened. Like a disappointed pup. It literally hurt to see him like this. I reached out, wanting to hug away his sorrow.

And that is when the vomiting began.

***

I knelt next to Alex, as the sick wolf continued to periodically spasm and make retching noises that echoed off the porcelain in the bathroom. At some point during this ordeal - sometime between ruining my slippers, and giving up the last of what had to be gallons of beer - he started crying.

"There, there, Alex. It's almost over." I reached up to the sink and grabbed a wet washcloth I'd put there. Draping it over his neck, I ran my damp fingers through his thick hair, combing it out of his face. "You're alright, now. Jody's gottcha."

Poor Alex started to heave again. His body not yet aware it was empty. While caressing his back, my mind replayed the events of that night. I'd been so happy when he said I could be the one to join him as a guest for the dinner. Part of me knew that when his parents told him to bring someone, that they probably met a date. Yet a more selfish part of me thanked my lucky stars that Alex didn't think that way. I knew I wasn't really his date, but for that one evening, I wanted to pretend. I spent an hour picking out the best outfit for the occasion. I won't even tell you how many earrings I tried on. It was pathetic, I know.

It didn't even go that well. Trent's boyfriend was dragon, and I think he spooked Alex. I barely saw anything of the wolf until we sat down for the meal. Not that it mattered by then. When I greeted Trent, he accused me of using Alex. I know Trent's protective, and me and him have the type of relationship that calls for good natured teasing, but if he knew how much I hated it when he said things like that...

It didn't matter. By the time I found Alex hiding out in the kitchen, my fantasy was dead. I swallowed down my emotions and tried to make the most of a great dinner with some of the furs I loved most in the world. Any one would be lucky to spend such an evening, right?

Well that's what I thought, anyway. Then things went wild. Trent's dad, Arnold, went all out to figure if Valmick was hooking up with Trent for his family's money. No offense to the dragon, I think we're gonna get along great, but if Arnold had taken the least bit of interest in any of Trent's typical dates... Well, let's just say I knew right away the two of them had a connection that must have went waaay deeper than physical lust. Valmick and Trent did not take kindly to Arnold's concerns.

My first thoughts were along the lines of, oh snap! Dinner and fisticuffs? What a great party!

But then I watched as Valmick endured Arnold's questioning, struggling to stay strong for Trent - who was in the background, going off the deep end, yammering on about joining a cult or something. The pain I'd thought I pushed down felt like a cut being torn back open. No one had ever needed me to be the strong for them. No one ever cared enough to question my intentions.

It'd been years since me and Trent had tried anything deeper than casual sex, and until now it had never bothered me.

***

Alex groaned, bringing me out of my thoughts.

"All better now?"

He pushed himself away from the toilet and I caught him as he fell back. "I like you," he slurred.

"I like you, too. Does... does anyone know you're here?"

He shook his head no.

"Oh."

He nodded. Even drunk and sick he's got that fucking lost puppy look that I am finding increasingly hard to resist.

"Alex! Please don't look at me like that. If I- Trent would literally kill me."

"Fuck Trent," he says calmly. I nearly blurt out already did, before he can continue. "I came here for answers about us. And I'm not leaving until I get them."

"Alex..." He had that same hard look of determination I see him get when he talks about his environmentalism and I realize I can't lie to him. "I told you... I really do like you, and yeah, a part of me wishes we could be more than friends. But..." Every word hurts now. I take a shuddering breath. If only I had better control over my emotions. "But it can't happen. And I swear to you, I'm sorry. I never meant to lead you on." I blink and the world is wobbly behind a lens of tears. "I don't know how you can ever forgive me."

And the tears fall.

I hear Alex scooting over to me. Oh God, he put his arms around me. This is the dinner fuck up all over again. For maybe the first time in my life I push out of a hug.

"Alex, don't." His arms withdraw.

I wipe my eyes to see Alex huddled against the rim of my tub. He looks like I'd hit him. "Please, Alex," I sob, "you can't do this! It means so much to just have you in my life. If I let us fuck this up, I don't know what I'd do."

I watch his chin quiver, plunging another dagger into my heart. He struggles to his feet, nearly falling into tub before I spring up to steady him.

"I'm leaving."

I couldn't let him. He'd never make it out of my apartment, much less find his way out of the building and back home. Once I was sure he was done throwing up I helped him to my bedroom. Help might be an understatement. I practically had to carry him. And let me tell you, he's not as light as he looks.

The second he collapsed onto the bed he was gone. That wouldn't have been a problem if his lower half wasn't hanging off the mattress.

"Alex," l said to the sleeping wolf, "you are not making this easy." I pulled off his shoes, ignoring the earthy aroma, and swung his legs onto the bed before tugging the covers out from under him.

One last thing. I decided I should take his phone out of his pocket so he wouldn't sleep wrong and crack the screen. I assure you, there was nothing but the purest of intentions behind slipping my hands into his warm pockets, so near his-

Anyway, I took his phone and put it on the nightstand. And then I repeated the process for his keys and wallet. Don't judge me.

***

There would be no sleep for me that night. Not just because I gave away my bed. I had to make sure Alex didn't do anything foolish, like try to leave in his present condition, or choke to death on his own vomit.

I made my way back to the living room. A brief pause to make sure my awesome fennec ears could still pick up the rhythm of the wolf's breathing. Yup. Still safe.

I picked up his shirt from where he'd inexplicably thrown it at me and again forced myself to ignore Alex's scent. He was drunk, and he was my best friend's brother. If I gave in to temptation and buried my face in this shirt, snorting it like a drug, that would not at all be the proper thing to do...

It was going to be a long night.

I pulled out my phone and stared at it. Should I text Trent to let him know Alex is safe? There might not be anyone looking. What if I text Trent and say, don't worry buddy, Alex is in my bed sleeping one off? There is no way I could word that that doesn't result in getting my adorable ass kicked.

Screw it. If someone calls asking if I'd seen Alex, I can deal with that can of worms then. But for now, I can just sit here and dwell on everything I can never have.

Why me? I love that wolf. I love Trent too. I'm told I fall in love too easily, but I'd hate to ever become so jaded that I'd want to lock my love in a cage, never letting it out because it might get kicked. My heart gets broken so regularly I think it's more super glue and duct tape than icky blood and guts. But I'm still alive. I still feel with everything I have. And so what if I want to keep loving, despite the risks of heartbreak?

It's just a question of whether I'm willing to risk the best friends I've ever had over my feelings of love...

It's such a cruel choice. Why do I have to gamble? The urge to go down to the club and act like a brat until rock hard fur has me spent and back under control was gnawing at me. I do not have a history of making good decisions on my own. Sometimes it's in my best interests to give up control for awhile.

Inspiration struck! It's a good thing I didn't get the pullout bed set up yet. I dove at my couch and stuck my hands behind the cushions, searching. An old potato chip. The wrapper from some chopsticks I got the last time I ordered out from Olyrea's. A rubber dildo... raptor style, if I'm not mistaken. I'd wondered where I could have left that. Ah! A coin. That's what I was looking for.

I sat on the disheveled cushions and squeezed the coin tight. Fate would need to be my dom tonight. I'd flip the coin and stick to whatever it decided.

Heads, I would wait for Alex to sober up, tell him how crazy I was about him, and hope he was still willing to see if we had the sparks needed to overcome his possible lack of sexual attraction to males.

Tails, I wait for him to sober up, pray he remembers nothing, cook him breakfast and treat this whole night like a drunken sleep over. And keep loving him like the friend he is.

I clutched the coin to my chest. Please don't let me regret this. Three deep breaths and my thumb flicks the coin high into the air. "Nope!"Fuck! I regret it. I don't want to see what it says! I put my hands over my head, cowering while the coin twisted in its descent. Bouncing off my shoulder, onto the coffee table, I let out the breath I'd held as it rolled off the edge, out of sight.

I panicked. My future happiness could not be riding on a coin flip! No. There comes a time in every fennec's life when he needs to step up, stop letting fear and erections make all his choices, and decide for himself what he wants. I stood up, inspiration coursing through my veins.

I would do what I wanted! And I wanted to see if Alex's offer to explore our relationship was more than the alcohol talking.

I stood there in the silence for a few minutes. Just me and the ambient sounds of Alex sleeping soundly in my room.

It would be at least a few hours before Alex was awake.

Damn. This was going to be a long night.

***

I must have nodded off. Dawn had broken when a change in the apartments sounds had my ears flicking. A creak of mattress springs. A soft groan. The rustling of covers. Alex was awake!

I sprung up and bounded down the hall. Three soft knocks to my door. "Alex?"

A sigh. As good as any invitation I'd ever received.

I opened the door to find a mound of covers, the loose outline of a wolf balled up under them. "Hiya!"

Alex moaned. Not the fun kind, but the shut-the-hell-up-fennec kind. I am unfortunately intimately aware of the difference.

"You must have been at quite a party last night. I'm a little sad I wasn't there." Shit! Coming on too strong, Jody. "I mean, 'cause I like to party. Not that I want to braid our tails together so we're inseparable and-" What the hell, Jody! "I-I-I mean, I'm always available." That didn't sound right. "For parties!" I added hastily. "As a guest. Not like I'm the entertainment. Even though I've been told I am very entertaining. As a guest. I'm not a stripper. Professionally."

I slapped my forehead. So fucking smooth, Jody. So smooth.

"Jody?" the wolf's voice was crackly and dry.

"Yeah, Alex?"

"I don't feel well."

"Oh." That would be the hangover. "Can I do anything?" Please don't ask me to shut up.

Silence while Alex thought. "Can you kill me?"

Must be a bad one. "No worries!" The covers started to stir. "I mean, I know a bunch of ways to fix you up, not kill you." I laughed nervously, my big fluffy tail had curled around me and I was running my fingers through it, hoping it came off as cool and casual, not nervous and fidgety. Not that Alex could see from under his nest of blankets.

"Water, please?" he croaked.

"Right! Good idea. Wait there, I'll be right back."

I sprinted to the kitchen. I grabbed a bottle of mineral water - plain, not carbonated - from the fridge. I also found a bottle of aspirin, and started the coffee brewing.

Alex was sitting up, a sheet wrapped over him gave him a monkish appearance. He looked up at me and his intensity stole away whatever words I'd just had on the tip of my tongue. "Um, here," I handed him the water. He drank half the bottle, and then the other half when I gave him the aspirin.

"I really fucked up, didn't I?" he asked softly, turning the empty bottle in his hands.

"What? No. We all over do it sometimes."

He looked up at me. His expression said you know exactly what I'm talking about, Jody.

"No," I sat on the edge of the bed. "If anyone fucked up, it was me. I... I just really like you, and I was too wrapped up in myself to stop and see I was making you uncomfortable." My nose got that little prickly feeling it gets when I'm about to cry. I clenched my jaw, more in annoyance than any hope of gaining a measure of control over my runaway emotions.

"Don't say that. You're one of the few furs I actually feel comfortable around. You could never make me uncomfortable."

Give it time.

Alex pulled the sheet off his head. His normally wild hair looked even more untamed. "It's just... I'm feeling things that I don't understand."

"S-so, last night, when you said there might be a chance th-that what we have could be deeper than..." My heart was hammering away.

Alex shrugged. "I don't know. I think I wanted to find out, though."

"Oh..." If I'm in a coma, do not bring me out of it just yet. "I remember that. Maybe we could start with something small... like a hug?"

"Jody, you hug me all the time. I know I like that. We need to, uh, try something a little bit more."

"What did you have in mind?" Oh my God. It's like I'm an awkward virgin again when I'm around this wolf.

He touched the side of his face. "You kissed me that night. And since then, I've been wondering what it would feel like if I kissed you back."

We were both blushing. Jody, I snapped at myself, get it together. Show him!

I started to lean in. Slow as a glacier, but I caught the slightest bit of movement on Alex's part. He was starting to lean towards me!

Ping!

We froze. His phone chimed from the nightstand. If we stayed perfectly still, maybe the phone would disappear.

"Could you check that?"

My ears drooped, but I reached for his phone. They were probably looking for him by now. I looked at the screen. Huh? I didn't recognize the name, and I was surprisingly familiar with most of the Adlin clan. They were like a second family to me.

"You got a text from someone named Mores. And there's an attachment." I watched him smile. An unreasonable sense of jealousy tapped me on the shoulder as I passed him his phone. "So... who's Mores?"

"He's in my activist group." Alex opened the attachment. "Yes!"

Tell me he isn't already getting dick-pics. He's only been confused since Sunday, and I really wanted to be the first to send him one. Before I could pout Alex tossed me the phone. It wasn't a dick. It was... "What am I looking at?"

"That is a picture of the owner of the North Bluff Mall reading my group's flyer," he said proudly.

I tilted the phone until I could make something out. It looked like a finger was covering half the lens and it was taken at a low angle, without the stern looking bull being aware of his picture getting taken.

"Congratulations," I guessed.

"Thank you."

We sat there quietly. I wasn't sure if the moment was gone. If I went in for a kiss, would he back away this time? It was too early for me to take that kind of rejection. "I've got some coffee going. Are you well enough to have some breakfast in the kitchen, or did you want me to bring something to you?"

"We can go to the kitchen." I can't tell if it was my personal bias, but I think he frowned. Damn.

I got up to hurry ahead and find something I could cook for him. He called my name, stopping me at the door.

"Jody. This might sound weird," he looked down at the sheet he was wrapped in. "Do you know what happened to my shirt?"

I snickered. "You threw it at me last night. I think you were trying to make a point, but you might have just been mad at me." It was so amazing to watch him blush. Barely visible through his dark fur, but so cute.

"Sorry," he shrugged sheepishly and stood, following me still wrapped in my sheet.

***

"I don't like to brag," I lied, "but I'm a damn fine chef."

"Is there anything you aren't good at?" Alex called from the living room, where he was unwittingly torturing me by putting his shirt back on.

"Apparently my self control can use some work," I mumbled as I diced a couple shallots in frustration.

He padded back in and asked for the millionth time if there was anything he could do to help. I told him, for the million and one-th time, to just sit down and relax. My kale, spinach and mushroom egg-white omelet was about to blow his mind. Granted it would have had more of an impact if I could have cooked it while naked, I still got him to smile when I flipped the omelet flawlessly while looking at him.

I plated it and poured another mug of coffee. "Eat up. It'll help with the hangover."

Planting myself across from him, I propped my chin on fists and stared dreamily at the dark wolf, basking in the yummy sounds he made.

"Aren't you gonna eat?"

I blinked, reminding myself I wasn't dreaming. "Oh... uh, yeah." I jumped up and got a frozen greenish cylinder from the freezer and plopped it into my blender. Alex looked blankly as I grinned and held a button that pureed my healthy frozen breakfast. I dumped the slushy smoothie in a cup and sat back down.

"What? It's hard work being attractive."

Alex looked down. "I think you're doing a good job."

My ears burned. It was the first time Alex commented on my looks. I grab my chair to keep from breaking into a dance. "Really?"

He bobbed his head, too shy to say anything or look up from his plate. I didn't know what to say that wouldn't spook him. "A-are you busy tomorrow?"

His fork slipped, screeching on the plate and making us both wince. "Sorry," he said. "I don't think I'm doing anything, wait, yes. Sort of. I have this protest thing tomorrow."

"Oh." There was no hiding my disappointment. I think this was the end of Alex's experiment with me. He might be letting me down gently. My life had suddenly lost all meaning.

"Could we do something today? Later, after this headache goes away?"

My ears stiffened and my tail swished. Also impossible to conceal, given their fennec proportions. "You mean it? I would love to!" And just like that, my life had meaning again!