FSE

Furry search engine

formerly SoFurry search engine

“OMG! Look at the lake, it’s so pretty!” Manny excitedly said from behind the steering wheel, his eyes diverting from the road and instead looking at the shimmering and undisturbed surface that extended to his left, taken in completely by the majestic scene that was nature’s creation, unaware that the passenger’s hands had taken control of the vehicle to keep them from crashing in his stupidity. “We should totally jump in it or something?”

“What? No. You should be focusing on the road,” the young female dragon next to him pulled his head back front, ignoring the pout that the man in the hat made. Her green and black scales contrasted with her white hair in a uniquely graceful manner, but her pose gave an impression of strength that belittled that image of gentle fragility.

“Come on DIs!” but Manny refused to let go of the idea. “We’ll call some friends, throw in a barbeque or something, bring chips and beer and all that stuff! And a DJ or something! And there’ll be lots of sexy guys with big pecs in tight speedos and sexy girls with tiny bikinis and everyone will dance and their stuff will jungle all night long!”

“First of all, that would pollute the lake too much and it won’t be the pretty image you love so much anymore,” Distort retorted and Manny gave another pout. It was far too childish to be taken seriously. “Besides, you don’t even like parties”

“You’re technically right, but sometimes it’s kinda nice to just let your mind run wild with the possibilities, you know?” he said just as a group of trees covered their view of the water and let out a sigh of defeat at his rare moment of libertinage being so promptly denied. That frown slowly became a bright smile as just over the horizon the blue skyline shifted into an old farm and a downhill field full of quiet animals feeding with the grass. “We’re here! We’re finally here!” Manny said enthusiastically while parking next to the farm where other cars waited for their owners.

“Remind me why you brought me here?” Distort asked as she got off her friend’s car and a fresh summer breeze hit her on the face. She took a deep breath in and smiled as her nostrils filled with the scent of the meadow that washed her lungs off the city’s smog.

“What do you mean why? This is a petting zoo, girl! That’s why!” Manny put an arm around her slender shoulders and guided her to the side of the farm from which they could see more clearly the vast expanse of green lands and the multitude of stock that seemed to enjoy the banality of grazing. It was lovely to say the least, but Distort wasn’t 100% convinced yet that it was the best idea to bring her, of all people, to this place. “The many adorable animals just waiting to be touched and nurtured with our care fill the soul with joy! I mean, there cows, sheep, those super cute miniature pigs that everybody loves and goats! Goats…” he said the last word with a dreamy expression that set off many of the dragoness’ weirdness sensors, but she shrugged them off. As far as she knew nobody had ever seemed to understand what went on the human’s mind and she wasn’t eager to risk her sanity to try and find out. “Well, I’m gonna go to that nearby pond and feed the ducks. You go and find something to hug, ok? Ok!” he grabbed a massive bag full of bread crumbs and rushed away, leaving the dragoness all by herself.

It didn’t took long for her brain to figure out that if she was already here she might as well go along with Manny’s crazy ideas and enjoy a while admiring the animals. In the distance she saw a goat, catching her eye mostly by the way the human had referred to them before leaving; the way he had brought them up could fool anyone who didn’t know any better that to see one was the ultimate glee, but to Distort they were just one more farm animal.

And yet she saw next to the goat a smaller kid barely keeping up with the larger goat, tripping over its tiny paws until it reached its mother and let out a small bleat. The image was too adorable for Distort to ignore it and her heart melted into tears by it. Suddenly the need to go and play with the little babies and hug and snuggle with them was too big for her to bear and she started her way towards the herd.

And just like the little baby goat, she tripped.

“Seems like you tripped,” said a low-pitched voice above her that made her bristle in embarrassment and anger at such rudeness.

“Wanna say it to my face, Sherlock!?” but when she got up there was no one nearby. Other than the goat that had silently approached her while on the ground she was completely alone. “Hey, where’s the dick?”

“Between the legs, where else would it be?” the goat said as he chewed on the grass beneath his hooves.

“Ok, don’t give me that snarky attitude, mister…” Distort stopped in her tracks once she realized that she was replying to a farm animal that quietly swallowed the pasture. For a second she thought that she had gone crazy; that being around Manny for so long had made some of his insanity rub off on her, and that the hit on her head from falling to the ground had shaken her brain enough for it to take place. But she knew what she heard. “You’re… a talking goat?”

“We have a winner, ladies and gentleman,” the goat answered absentmindedly and Distort tripped again, falling on her butt as the goat looked at her with what seemed to be a raised eyebrow.

“Oh my God, you’re a talking goat!”

“And you’re in need of a dictionary”

“You’re a sassy talking goat!” Distort replied, with emphasis on the sassy, somewhat offended at the animal’s retorts, but when the gears in her brain started spinning again she realized the true value of the oddity in front of her. “You’re a sassy goat!”

“I think we have already established that I’m a sassy goat, yes,” the sassy goat replied, but his words fell on deaf ears as an overly excited Distort lifted him and made her way across the fields. “How the hell are you strong enough to lift a goat!?”

“Mannyyyyyyyyyy!” the dragoness yelled on her way to the pond where the man in the hat had sat down, idly throwing bread for the birds to swim closer to him and eat. When he heard his name being spoken he turned around and his eyes widened at the speeding image rushing towards him and lifting a cloud of dust on its wake. The slight tremble on the ground scared the ducks and they all took off in an attempt to fly to their safety, but the human that had been so entertained feeding them didn’t seemed to have the same luck. Just when he thought he would be ran over did the dragoness stop and Manny could see the cargo on her arms. “Manny, look! I found a talking goat!”

“A talking…” he said with a curious look at the animal and then at the deranged expression plastered on Distort’s face, worried that someone could make a face too weird even for him. “Goat?”

“A sassy talking goat!”

“Did you hit your head or something?” Manny asked while slowly grabbing his friend’s arms so she let the goat on the ground.

“I actually did, but I’m not crazy. The goat can talk!” Distort insisted and pointed at the goat that had started grazing again. “Seriously!”

“Ok Dis, I think you need to lie down for a while”

“You should listen to your boyfriend, girl. He sounds like he knows what he’s doing,” the goat said between munches.

“Oh, I’m not her boyfriend; boobs aren’t really my- Holy shit! The goat just talked!” Manny jumped back in shock and the goat gave him what appeared to be a mocking look. The human frowned at that expression and diverted his eyes towards Distort’s gleeful and almost smug grin. “Dude, you found a talking goat”

“What can I say? I’m awesome like that,” Distort shrugged in an attempt at faking humility, but giddiness over her findings was far too apparent.

“You know what you’re gonna do with it, don’t you?” Manny asked her while the animal reluctantly allowed him to pet between his horns. Distort pondered on his words for a moment, remembering how common it was for talking animals and other strange phenomenon to be given to the government by the usual greedy bad guy in movies expecting a big bag of bills in return. Part of her head reminded her how it would be plain wrong to just turn in an innocent animal for horrific experiments, but the rest kept drifting back towards the money, almost sure her eyes would pop into dollar signs at any moment now. “No, not that!”

---

“So he says ‘It’s pretty baaaasic’ and I tell him ‘No man, you’re great! You should totally be the goat and I’ll be the guy banging your girlfriend; I already am anyway’”

The crowd burst out in laughter and drinks fell off the smacked tables as the sassy goat pranced about on the stage. From the other side of the curtain Distort and Manny watched the show with honest curiosity and, in the dragoness part, some disbelief.

“This was your million dollar idea? Make him a stand-up comedian?”

“Everybody knows that talking farm animals make the best stand-up comedians,” Manny explained. “Besides, all the cash in your purse doesn’t seem to be complaining”

“No idea what you mean,” Distort patted her purse gently, careful of not causing it to reach an explosive point as it was already brimmed with ticket money from the sassy goat’s popularity. Literally overnight, her little finding had become a shooting star of the night entertainment and was already signed for special appearances on multiple talk shows, guest starring sitcoms and there were also secret talks for a movie. And of course, having been the one who found this outstandingly talented star, Distort had become his manager and had all exploitat- administration rights in regard to his performances, and it was leaving her with a nice amount of capital to enjoy.

A round of applause filled the theater and the sassy goat bowed in appreciation of his fans before leaving the stage for his next fellow entertainer to take his place. Distort and Manny were both convinced however that whoever that was they would have a tough act to follow.

“I’ll admit that you were right and it’s been a pretty nice loot so far,” Distort stated, once again patting her bag and protectively holding it close. “But unlike what you’re probably thinking, I won’t let this sudden success and wealth go to my head. Especially the wealth!”

“I’m not thinking that”

“I know! It is a lot of wealth!” Distort laughed manically, making Manny take a few steps back.

Once they reached the door to the goat’s dressing room Distort’s elated grin had reached its peak as the dragoness’ mind filled with what most likely were thoughts of swimming in a pool of golden coins. She had never been a particularly avaricious person, but in the wake of such fortune people could go mental; besides, hoarding was part of all dragons’ nature to some extent, and with a creature that provided so many riches to hoard her apparent happiness was understandable, albeit somewhat disturbing.

So you can imagine her horror when she opened the door and entered the room with open arms looking to embrace her newfound treasure and instead saw him unconscious on the table around a puddle of a strange white fluid. The scream choked in her throat in an overly dramatic, almost soap opera-ish manner that made the human behind her lift an eyebrow and for a second she considered pretending to faint.

“What happene-” she started, but Manny quickly shut her snout, stopping her. He closed the door with his foot, crouched on the floor and snaked his way towards the dripping table, sticking his face to a dry side and licking the wet surface with a pensive expression.

“Just as I thought, goat milk,” he said after a minute of evaluation and stood up again to the fairly confused and somewhat disgusted look on the dragoness.

“You mean…” she pointed nervously at the goat’s hind legs. “Like…”

“Ew, no!” Manny shivered. “God Distort! I’m not that gay! This isn’t freaky yaoi! Calm your titties, woman! I mean goat milk; like from an actual female goat’s udders. He must’ve gotten high on it”

“You can get high on goat milk?”

“Everybody knows that goat milk is the most addictive drug you can give to a goat,” Manny explained. He then approached the unconscious goat and cradled his damp head, giving a few gentle shakes to try and stir him up. “Sassy goat… Wake up, man!” he slapped the animal and forced him to shoot awake.

“What!? Where…” the farm animal mumbled in a bewildered manner, snapping his head around until he spotted the table and tried to dive for his drug. “Give it to me! Oh, sweet nectar of the Gods!”

“Calm down, man!” Manny screamed while holding the sassy goat down with all the strength he could muster. “You don’t really need it! Fight its grasp!”

“This has got to be the weirdest scene I’ve seen in my life,” Distort deadpanned from her standing point next to the door where she had remained unmoving during the entire argument. “Seriously, can we end this nonsense?”

“Life is all about the nonsense, Dis,” Manny replied as he finished tying the thrashing sassy goat on the floor; where he had taken those ropes from was a question the dragoness preferred to leave unanswered. “It’s for your own sake, sassy goat! Anyway, we should get to clean this mess” Manny ignored all curses and complaints the animal shot at him and made to reach a nearby towel, but the buzz of a cell phone caught his attention instead. The sound came from the table; from the phone the two of them had provided the goat with shortly before his show. “Hey, who is this Baryshnikov fella texting you? Sounds Russian”

“Baryshnikov?” the sassy goat’s eyes shot open and he stopped struggling against his bindings, instead eating through them with surprising speed and hurrying to snatch the phone out of the human’s hand. “No, no, no, no, no!”

“Sassy goat…” a worried Manny carefully reached for the goat, who was already shaking nervously. “You didn’t get this milk from the Russian mafia, did you?” but all the goat did was look back at him with despair on his eyes.

“What? No… What the hell do you mean with Russian mafia?” a very confused Distort asked.

“Everybody knows the Russian mafia dominates the international goat milk traffic market,” Manny explained.

“Right, my bad. Because that definitely sounds like common knowledge,” Distort said when it was finally her turn to be sassy for a change, but her words went unheard by the other two, too deep in their thoughts to be bothered by her. It was perhaps better this way if the alternative was listening to mad ramblings about Russian mafia and goat milk conspiracies. But then the sound of gruff voices coming from outside the room caught her attention, followed by a loud bang on the door that almost made her trip. “Wonder who that is. They wouldn’t let any more reporters in, would they?”

“Stay away from that door,” the sassy goat hissed in fear when his dragoness manager’s hand was only an inch away from the knob. “It’s them! They found me and sent Baryshnikov to get their money, which means I’m dead meat!”

“You seriously expect me to believe that the Russian mafia is on the other side of this door looking for money you owe them for purchasing goat milk?” the tone on Distort’s voice made it very clear that she was getting fed up with the direction the argument was taking, but once again her words were ignored.

“Quick! Let’s escape through that conveniently placed window!”

“What?” but she had no time to complain when Manny grabbed and carried her under one arm and crashed through the window, down three stories and landing safely next to a car. Distort however kept screaming after he delicately put her back on her feet and the goat stared at her with the closest thing to a mocking expression his animal features allowed.

“You have to admit those must be some awesome lungs”

“What the hell was that!?” she screamed once her brain was capable of fully processing what had just happened and the other two jumped back at her sudden outburst. “Don’t give me those looks! Who the shit jumps off a third floor thinking that the mafia is gonna get them!? Seriously, the only thing left for this to be a Die Hard movie is freaking random explosions!” and three stories above them the flames of an ear-shattering explosion licked the walls of the building and sent a massive shockwave that shattered all windows on the street. Distort turned around slowly, her face a picture of disbelief at the fire that now filled the room they had been in just moments ago, too befuddled by the sheer stupidity of the last few events to even feel any sort of panic anymore.

“Where were those cool clairvoyant powers five minutes ago?” the sassy goat asked before Manny stuffed him in the back seat of the car in front of them and turning the engine on.

“Come on Dis!” he said. “I have an idea, but we can’t stay here any longer, and you’re the sassy goat’s manager, so of course they’re coming for you. We gotta go!”

“What the fuck is going on…” Distort absentmindedly asked. And when she got no answer she got on the car.

---

“Ok,” Distort started, rubbing her temples in frustration. “Just one last time, what exactly is your plan?”

“We go to Russia and ask the local authorities to help us deal with the Russian mafia,” Manny answered from the driver’s seat. “I already contacted some acquaintances there and everything’s set for us to go, but the Russian mafia has power Dis. They most likely have people looking for us in airports as well to keep us from leaving the country. Luckily for you, I happen to know someone who can get us there for free”

“You still haven’t explained why we’re going to Mexico!” Distort screamed and her voice echoed through the vastness of the border dessert. The heat was son unbearable that she let her limp, sweaty body drop on the leathery seat, already tired of arguing with her friend over the usage of the air conditioner. It had been hours since the last time they had seen another car and she couldn’t keep her mind from thinking that it was because all the other rational people were in their homes enjoying cold showers.

“We’re here!” Manny’s chirp tone stirred what part of Distort’s brain had yet to melt. The car parked next to an old yet well kept hut that stood out in the middle of the desolate wasteland around them, and the young human got off. “Miguelito! I’m here!”

“Ah, Manu! My friend!” a tall rooster with a wide chest and what seemed like military gear came out to greet him with a hug and the dragoness’ fatigue dissipated, replaced by curiosity in regards to this acquaintance of her friend. “It’s been a while! How are you?”

“I’m great, thanks, but we’re in a hurry. You got everything set?”

“As soon as your call was over; tell your friends to come, no need to be shy,” Miguel cheerfully said and made his way back into the humble abode. Manny waved his friends to join them and Distort, understanding she had no choice but to follow him sighed in defeat and got off along the sassy goat that had started all the trouble, still keeping her bag of cash close to her side.

“So… How exactly do you know this ‘Miguelito’ fella, who’s apparently in the military and can get us to Russia?” she asked with a careful voice, but Manny didn’t seem bothered by the question.

“From work,” he said with a smile. “And he’s single,” he elbowed Distort, earning another sigh from the dragoness.

“Don’t turn him down so fast,” the sassy goat cut in from behind them. “He’s a rooster, so he can obviously make it rise and shine, if you catch my drift. And honestly, what else are men good for?” and Distort had to admit that the goat had a point.

“Here! On the back!” the rooster’s voice came from the other side of the hut. As they rounded the small building Distort thought to herself how good was his pronunciation and for a second wondered if he was as Hispanic as his name made him to be. Once they joined him he was standing next to a large object covered by a long white blanket and a shiver ran up her back at the idea of what was underneath. And then Miguel removed the blanket with a swift seep and moved away to let them see the battered and rusty helicopter with a flexing rooster drawn on the side. “She’s a beauty, don’t you think?”

“Well, I guess that dying here means the mafia won’t get us, so nice job bro!” the goat directed at Manny and once again Distort surprised herself agreeing with him.

“Enough with your lack of faith!” Manny responded as he pushed the sassy goat inside while Miguel took his place on the pilot’s seat. Distort watched this unfold in front of her eyes with morbid curiosity before connecting the dots in her head. As if on cue with her thoughts Manny looked at her from inside the aircraft. “Are you coming?”

“Oh, fuck no!” the dragoness yelled at the time she turned around and strode back to the hut. “It’s one thing that I let you carry me three floors down; it’s one thing that I let you drag me all the way over to the Mexican border; but there’s no way in the flaming pits of Hell that I’m gonna get on that piece of scrap with the hope that it makes it all the way to freaking Russia! Shit, I’ll be surprised if it makes it to the ocean before crashing down! I’m going back to the car and riding all the way back home, you hear me!?”

“Ok, but watch out for the Russians, yes?” Manny said and was instantly shoved aside by a black-scaled hand to make way for Distort to get inside the cramped space.

“Not a single word”

“Ok guys! Hold tight!” Miguel said over the buzz of the rotors that slowly came to life above them and Manny held himself from Distort’s arm, earning an eye roll from the dragoness. “Off we go!” and with a very shaky start that made Distort hold Manny as well the chopper slowly took off, gaining speed and flying towards the horizon.

---

Distort wasn’t sure how many hours it had been since their impromptu flight had started, or even if at least an hour had passed by, but the sea beneath them was enough proof that they had covered a bigger distance than she had expected the machine to be capable of. Manny and the sassy goat had long fallen asleep and Miguel was focused on the sky, so she had no one to talk to, not like she particularly minded; talking wasn’t a thing you did when your mind was focused on things like escaping from the mafia.

“He looks cute when he sleeps, doesn’t he?” Distort jumped in surprise as the rooster talked to her for the first time since they had met. She looked at him for a second before glancing over Manny, wondering if he was the ‘cute’ Miguel had referred to and finding it somewhat hard to believe; either way she wasn’t sure on how to reply to a stranger. Fortunately Miguel seemed to pick up on her reluctance and continued without waiting for her. “He’s a good guy despite the annoying crap he says most of the time, you know? Anyway, wake him up; we’re already at the coordinates he sent me”

Distort did as she was told and in a not-so-gentle manner shook the younger man awake. Manny wiped a long trail of drool that had formed to the side of his mouth and seemed to wonder where he was before his eyes drifted towards the window and widened like crazy when he saw the sea under them. A quick glance at the rooster in the controls and the grin he gave as a response brightened up his face.

“Dis, we’re here! We’re here!” Manny screamed in ecstasy as he squeezed the dragoness’ face, his loud fanfare waking the sassy goat up with a confused expression much like the one he had a minute before. Unlike him, however, he didn’t give the goat, or Distort for that matter, a moment to understand what was happening; both of them were grabbed by the excited man and strapped to his body as he took a parachute from the side of the door. “Thanks for the ride, Miguelito!”

“Wait, what are you doing!?” Distort asked in a panicked state as her friend opened the door and gave a final thumbs up to the pilot. There was no way he was serious, or at least that’s what Distort would’ve wished to believe deep down, but she had known Manny long enough to know better.

And indeed it didn’t came as a surprise when he jumped off the plane and down towards the vast blue sea; and surprise or not it didn’t stop Distort from screaming in fear as the air clashed against her face, the surface of the water approaching them at worryingly high speed. Even when the parachute above them opened, slowing down their descent, and even when they landed safely on a solid floor, she didn’t stop yelling or clinging from him.

“You can let go of him now,” she heard the goat’s voice say and finally opened her eyes as her voice lowered. Around them was the expanse of a slowly raising platform and from nearby shuttles came out several armed men, two of them screaming orders to the others in what seemed like Russian to take their positions around them.

“At ease!” one particularly loud voice boomed among all other men, charged with a very thick accent. As she deduced they were in relative safety in this place, Distort slowly detached herself from the man in the hat and stood on her own on the floor, tapping it gently at first as if to confirm it was real. A looming bull with broad shoulders approached them, and without the need of hearing him Distort knew he was the owner of the voice she had just heard. “Manny, it’s good to see you after so long”

“Sokolov,” Manny greeted the bull with a firm handshake and the two smiled at each other for a moment before the bull turned around to guide them inside. Manny followed suit, and just like he had done at Miguel’s house he gestured his companions to join him.

“I must say, I was rather surprised when I received your message,” the bull admitted as he led them to a lower section of the submarine, or at least Distort assumed it was a submarine. “Surprised, but admittedly hopeful. I never thought we would be able to find a hole on the Bratva’s operations, but now we can throw a good punch at them, besides regaining territory”

“What is he talking about? And how do you know him?” Distort whispered to Manny.

“Work, and pay attention,” Manny hurriedly answered and his lack of detail made Distort look forward again. The timing couldn’t have been better as they entered an underwater hangar extending a few miles down, from what the dragoness could see. But perhaps most shocking was the object that stood in the middle of the hangar.

“Is that… a rocket?” she asked as the small platform they stood on started descending. “Why is there a rocket in a Russian submarine? And what does that have to do with our problem?”

“Nereid, one of Neptune’s moons,” Solokov started what promised to be a rather senseless explanation. “We have discovered the Bratva’s main goat milking farm to be located there, and for several months we have been planning a raid on them, so you see you couldn’t have come at a better time”

“…I’m sorry, did you say Neptune’s moon?”

“Everybody knows goats come from space, and as such are easier to milk in space,” Manny explained again. By now Distort had resorted to simply accept her apparent lack of common knowledge and simply went along with the flow. “What I don’t understand is what about our timing is so good”

“Our scouting teams were unable to advance much into their factory. Apparently, an actual goat is required to enter the facilities,” at that moment Solokov turned around and looked at them with a grin on his face. “Luckily for us we have a team of volunteers with a goat willing to take the risk now”

“Wait, what do you mean volunteer?” Distort asked and a random glance downwards revealed that not only her but Manny and the sassy goat were also suddenly wearing large astronaut suits and a crew of tailors quickly leaving the scene. “WOW! No! I said no!”

“It’s just a small mission to another planet, no biggie,” Manny shrugged in his way to the rocket, the sassy goat and Solokov joining him. “Seriously, between this and the Russian mafia-

“The Russian mafia!” Distort yelled. “Between the endless and deadly vacuum of space, and staying in Earth with the Russian mafia, I’ll always choose the Russian mafia!”

“But Dis,” Manny put an arm around her and slowly pushed her towards the rocket despite all the force with which she opposed, “look at it from this perspective: Spaaaaaaaaaaaaace”

“No”

“Then look at it from this perspective,” this time it was the sassy goat’s turn to talk. “You have less of a chance of getting a bullet through your head in space than if you stay here”

And it was that thought process what led Distort to sit on the rocket’s cabin a couple minutes later, with the other two members of her new crew next to her and the bull’s face on the screen wishing them luck.

“I won’t lie to you, this is a dangerous mission,” Solokov said in his still thick accent with a somewhat sorrowful note on his voice. “But I send you in knowing you will be able to deal with whatever you may find up there. Either way, I hope we see-

He never managed to finish the sentence as a loud explosion interrupted the visuals and the only thing the three of them got from inside the rocket was Russian cursing and the familiar sound of guns being unloaded. Distort, Manny and the sassy goat looked at each other and without waiting for the countdown to begin they activated their own controls and felt the rocket’s engines flaring to life and pushing upwards at terrifying speed.

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Those were the basic reactions on board the rocket as it crashed through the metal of the underwater base and rushed its ay outside of the atmosphere of the planet, headed straight for its target millions of kilometers away.

“Ok! How long is this gonna take?” Distort managed to let out once her initial distress dissipated, but the alarms around the cockpit that set off the moment she said so stirred it up again. She didn’t have time to react as her suit automatically closed her helmet off and ejected her seat, followed by those of her companions landing safely on the ground while their ship crashed a few miles away with a silent explosion. “Oh my God! We’re stranded!” Distort said as soon as she managed to get up, already panicking at their situation.

“Relax, we warp-sped all the way to Neptune and conveniently landed next to the production factory,” Manny said and pointed to a large dome-shaped structure at walking distance from them. “All we have to do is break in, release the captive goats into the escape pods, set the place to self-destruct and get out. No biggie!”

“That sounds like a very big- Wait… So we’re in the moon? Which means Neptune is…” it was only then that Distort took a moment to look around her and realize that over the horizon she could see a massive blue planet reflecting what little light hit it from the distant sun in a gentle blue hue that contrasted with the black expanse around it and the millions of white dots that were the distant stars. It was a simply breathtaking experience that filled Distort with joy unlike anything she had felt before. “This is so… So-

“Baryshnikov!”

“What?” the dragoness was mildly annoyed at the goat for such a ridiculous interruption, but when she saw at the direction he was staring at in horror she couldn’t help but understand his reaction. Miles away, from the wreckage of their crashed vessel, a cloud of dust lifted, and in front of it, running their way at incredible speed was a massive pale man in a black suit. Of all things Distort’s brain had trouble processing, that was the first one that hit. “He’s… not wearing a space suit?”

“Of course not, he’s Russian!” it was Manny who replied as he stepped forward, standing between the approaching man and his friends. “He probably held on to the rocket during the trip and got here with us. Either way it doesn’t matter; you know the plan. I’ll keep him occupied while you guys take care of the factory”

“The hell are you- Ah!” the sassy goat pushed Distort on his back before she could say anything and dashed towards the nearby facility, leaving Manny behind. When she looked back at where her friend had stood until just a moment ago, she saw an explosion instead. “Oh my God, Manny!”

“Forget him! He’ll be fine,” the goat said as they came to a stop in front of the enormous metallic door that led inside the milking facility. A pad to the side lit up the moment they stood in front of it and the sassy goat bleated next to it; a second later the doors slowly ascended and the two wasted no time waiting for it to open completely.

The inside was nothing but a pristine white hall that somewhat bothered Distort’s eyes, but beyond that she had no time to properly take in her surroundings; the sassy goat had already started running somewhere and she had no choice but to follow him.

“Do you have any idea of where we’re going?”

“Goat instincts!” he said and stopped in front of a door that opened with another bleat. The room on the other side contrasted with the white halls, being completely black with the only source of light coming from the computer screens all around and the large window that showed the center of the facility, filled with thousands of caged goats being attached to milking devices.

“Lord…” Distort breathed in horror, disgust and perhaps more than anything, bewilderment at the honestly ridiculous site.

“Come on, hurry up!” the sassy goat yelled at her from the seat he had taken on the computers. “We gotta release the goats, set the place to blow up and then run for our lives! Get to it!”

“I’m on it!” Distort retorted as she started typing commands on the screens. How exactly she knew what to do was beyond her, but the sheer level of stupidity in the whole endeavor was already too high for her to start questioning convenient occurrences like this. They were in space, for crying out loud!

GOAT CONTAINMENT SYSTEM DISENGAGED

The computer voice announced and like one all the cages opened to the confused bleating of the army of goats. Just then the sassy goat in the control room pressed a speaker button and a loud, long bleating echoed through the vast expanse of the milking section, heard by all the goats that proceeded to run in panic towards the escape pods located around the border of the facility.

“Ok, that takes care of them,” the sassy goat said with a sigh of relief. “How are we on the self-destruct?”

SELF-DESTRUCTION IN T MINUS 60 SECONDS

PLEASE EVACUATE SAFELY

“There. All that’s left is making our way out of here fast. But what about Manny?” and with his typically impeccable timing Manny came crashing down from the ceiling with Baryshnikov following through not too long after, heavily landing on the floor. “Crap!”

Unlike the dragoness that had almost frozen in fear, the sassy goat took the initiative and crashed through the window, coming back only to pull Distort with her towards the tide of running goats around them. With a swift movement she managed to grab Manny by the collar, the poor man barely conscious after a bashing from the Russian mobster, and glanced back only once to see said Russian mobster making his way across the goats separating them and quickly gaining terrain on them.

“Hurry up, hurry up, hurry up!” Distort’s desperate pleas were heard as the goat finally reached one of the escape pods, closing just as Baryshnikov reached it and withstanding a powerful hit from him. The pod’s engines roared and a powerful upward thrust took the three heroes along the several goats that had joined them away from the facility and from Nereid’s surface, and from the window Distort could see several other pods just like the one they were in making their way to Earth, and the dreaded building in the moon exploding and leaving no trace. “We did it!”

Distort’s claim of victory was met with the excited bleating from all the goats aboard the ship, all of them praising the three brave heroes that had gone through so much risk to save them. For that marvelous second, the dragoness Distort was acclaimed and praised for her bravado, and she would be lying if she said she didn’t like it.

Then a compartment opened and hit her on the head, and she fainted.

---

“Dis? Dis…” the voice sounded distant and blurry; somehow, ‘sounding blurry’ made sense. But the image in front of her started clearing up and she recognized Manny’s face against the blue background that was the sky. “Oh, you’re awake! I’m glad, seems like you’re ok”

“Manny…?” she heard her own groggy voice say as she got up. “What happened? Where’s the sassy goat? Did the milking facility really explode? What happened to Baryshnikov?”

“…What”

The only thing stranger than her friend’s reaction was how she realized that, instead of the escape pod or the Russian headquarters she had been expecting, she was in a familiar prairie with a few goats grazing nearby. Somehow, instead of the seemingly logical things she had been expecting, they were back in the petting zoo where this whole ordeal had started.

“Don’t you remember? We found a talking goat… And then the Russian mafia… And we went to space…”

“Space?” Manny, of all people, seemed bewildered by such a claim. “Distort, you tripped and I found you lying on the floor, and it’s pretty clear you hit your head real bad! Why don’t you go wait in the car?” he asked as he slowly helped her get up. Once he mentioned it Distort instinctively reached for her head and felt a rather prominent bump on it. Had it all been just a dream?

“Ok… Yeah, ok,” Distort answered as her head started throbbing from too many questions. It had felt far too real to dismiss it all as just a dream, but then again what was the other logical answer? That she had found a talking goat, offered it a deal as a stand-up comedian, got involved with the Russian mafia in a deal with goat milk as a powerful drug, flew over the Pacific, or the Atlantic, or whatever sea it was to reach a Russian underwater military base, went to space and released thousands of imprisoned goats that were essentially being farmed? Of course it had all been a dream. With that in mind already easing her pain she looked back at her friend who stood still watching the grazing goats. “Are you coming?”

“What? Oh yeah! Just give me a moment, you know I love goats,” he said with a goofy smile and not feeling like arguing Distort continued on her way until she was out of sight.

“You think she bought it?” the sassy goat asked after swallowing a mouthful of grass.

“For her own safety, I hope she did,” Manny replied and took out an envelope that was promptly handed to the goat. “Your new identity. Miguel will get you all the way to Guatemala, but from there on you’re on your own. Don’t open it until you’re there, because not even I know who you’ll be from now on, but it’s all for everyone’s well-being”

“Thanks,” the goat said as he grabbed the offered envelope. “Since we’ll hopefully never meet again I just want to say… It was nice meeting you”

Manny didn’t say anything; he just saluted to the goat and nodded ever so slightly, and turned around to make his way towards the car with Distort and back to their normal lives. When he took one final glance at the field, the goat was already gone. And it was for the best.