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Sober Thoughts

By Sonny Dae

Bayli sighed and downed another shot of rebos. The dark liquor burned her throat but immediately afterward, a comforting warmth spread to the tips of her toes. She shuddered and flicked her tail as she set the glass down with a heavy thud. Hard liquor was never her thing, but this stuff really hit the spot. Initially anyway. It was her fifth one and other than a tingling in her extremities, she didn’t feel any different.

She tapped the counter to signal the barkeep. “Hey, I’m empty!”

The old grey-furred coyote turned and approached, his gaze firm like a parent addressing an unruly pup. “You’ve had enough,” he said, firmly.

Bayli leaned forward on her stool. “I paid you a pouchful of calc on the condition I never see the bottom of this glass.” She held up the empty glass and wiggled it in his face. “Hold up your end of the deal.”

The barkeep glared at her, still wiping the glass in his paw.

Bayli shrugged. “Give me my money back then.”

The coyote rolled his eyes and poured another glass.

“That’s what I thought.” She downed the new shot as easily as the first. The tingling had lessened and vanished even faster. “Hey, hey, hey! Leave the bottle. Then I don’t need to wait on you.”

It earned her another glare, but the bottle was left on the counter as requested. Bayli slid the glass out of reach and drank straight from the source.

“Oof. Someone’s had a hard day,” a stranger said.

She sat the bottle down with a heavy sigh and addressed the interloper. Sitting next to her was another fox. Immediately she didn’t like him. His brown fur was neatly brushed and his clothes were tailored and neat. Canids like this annoyed her. They paid too much attention to detail and reminded her of an upbringing she was determined to forget.

The fox offered a paw. “Damien. I’d offer to buy you a round, but you kinda have that covered. And you are?”

“Nonya.”

The fox grinned. “As in ‘Nonya Fucking Business’ I take it? Okay, I can take a hint, but you do know talking to someone would be a lot easier than talking to a bottle.”

“Not really.” She took another long swig of the drink. “The bottle doesn’t talk back.”

“True, but that can get kinda lonely.” He placed a paw on her knee.

She looked him over. He wasn’t her type. Too well-dressed, too skinny, and he had all the subtlety of a firecracker. How many females had passed through this bar only to be hit on by this guy after throwing back a few? What he didn’t know was alcohol had little effect on her and that her real reasons for coming to this bar were not to get drunk.

She leaned closer and whispered. “How about we skip the foreplay and get straight to the point? The alley is deserted this time of night.”

Her admirer tried to keep a straight face, but the glint in his eyes was a dead giveaway. “I could never besmirch your honor like that.”

“Look, are you gonna fuck me or not?”

Damien shrugged. “Lead the way, my lady.”

Bayli drank again and shuffled out of the bar. Even after drinking half a bottle of hard liquor, she still didn’t feel a real buzz. But now it was important to keep up the ruse although it seemed doubtful as Damien couldn’t keep his paws off her ass since she stood up.

They barely made it to the alley between the bar and clothing store before she pulled Damien close and mashed her lips against his. He resisted at first, likely from the sudden movement, but quickly relaxed and returned the gesture. His paws explored her body taking care to focus on her sensitive bits or what he thought were her sensitive bits. He stroked her tail and squeezed her buttocks and breasts. Eventually, he began to run his tongue along her neck and nibbled her ears.

Bayli fought the urge to sigh again. She made it clear she was just looking for a quickie in the alley, but this guy was not focusing on her needs at all. His actions were the default locations he used on other females and didn’t even take the time to gauge her reaction. Still, it would be another distraction from her worries.

It didn’t take long before she felt the signature poke against her waist. She shifted her paws to his pants and undid them in one smooth motion.

Damien unburied his snout from her neck. “Wow, you’re good at this. Didn’t even pop the buttons.”

She said nothing and instead reached into his pants and seized his growing member. The appendage twitched in her grip and hardened further when she stroked it. Damien’s expression showed he enjoyed the attention. She continued that practice, sliding her paw up and down slowly and gauging his reaction when she paused at the tip and base. With her other paw, she pulled his pants down and freed more of his now throbbing erection.

Bayli continued to watch the fox as she gripped his testes in her other paw and gave them the same slow sensual treatment.

“Damn, you’re really good at this,” Damien said.

“Glad one of us is,” Bayli mumbled. The whole point of this was to distract from today. Standing here fully clothed and giving someone else a rubjob wasn’t part of the plan.

“What’d you say?”

“I said, hurry up. I don’t have all night.”

“Hold on, cutie,” Damien said, grinning. “It wouldn’t do to pop too early now would it?”

At that, he went back to groping her. She almost wished he didn’t. He slipped a paw under her top and squeezed her breast again then played with the nipple through the fabric. She hated that. It always felt weird. Her expression reflected her displeasure—not that he took any notice and moved on to the other one. The other paw slowly traced her stomach in a parabolic motion. With each repetition, his fingers dipped lower. She assumed this was supposed to be a teasing motion to get her aroused, but it was doing the opposite.

Finally, she grew sick of it and grabbed his wrist before shoving his paw down her pants.

“Whoa, there. A little eager, aren’t we?” Damien asked.

“Didn’t I tell you I don’t have all night?”

The fox frowned. “Sheesh. Try to be a little considerate and all you get is lip.”

She rolled her eyes and focused on her task. The fully erect penis pulsed in her paw as pre dribbled onto her fingers. He was ready but she wasn't even close. Damien clearly took the hint as his fingers explored her folds, paying close attention to her clit.

Bayli suppressed a growl. This time it wasn’t him, but she still didn’t feel a sense of arousal. But why? Sure the fox was a bit short for her tastes but she’s made do before. Not knowing what else to do, she kissed him again, hoping to spark something.

Feeling his tongue against hers didn’t do it. Feeling him unbutton her top and rub her teats didn’t do it. Feeling him tease a pair of fingers at her entrance didn’t do it.

Fuck it, she thought as she pulled her pants down herself. Maybe my body will catch up when we start.

But instead of moving on to the next stage, Damien froze. “Uh, what is that?” he asked.

Bayli looked down and saw the patch of white fur on her right thigh, practically glowing in the street light. “It’s nothing. It’s just a birthmark.” White fur wasn’t natural and it definitely wasn’t a good sign in most canids’ eyes because it wasn’t a good sign. It meant she would soon lose all sense of self and become uncontrollably violent. But what the local populace didn’t know was if a patch of white that size meant she should have turned already. That she hadn’t meant she was an exception to the rule, a paladin, specially trained and immune to aether corruption.

Damien took a step back. “Hold on, white fur means you’re turning. You need to get that looked at.”

“No, I don’t. I already told you it’s a damn birthmark. What do you care anyway? It’s not like I’m gonna change during.” She really didn’t want to reveal her true self. Paladins, while helpful, were not always looked upon favorably. Many canids still clung to the stubborn belief that their loved ones could be saved and hated being put to death for doing nothing wrong. That and it was none of his damn business.

She could tell her words had the desired effect. Damien relaxed and they resumed their task. This time she was done with foreplay. She grabbed his stiff phallus and guided it to its destination.

“Oh, I like my ladies aggressive,” Damien said.

Please for the love of all that is holy, stop talking. Gods, I should’ve just went to a damn brothel..

Despite her lack of arousal, he slid in effortlessly. With a devious grin, he lifted her leg to get a better angle and began pumping his hips in earnest.

Bayli closed her eyes and tried to get lost in the act. But she only saw Everett’s face, practically touch his brown spotted fur. It was so soft. She buried her nose in his neck and breathed deep, taking in his scent. The mixture of his soap and cologne always made her shudder in delight.

But the feeling didn’t match reality and it didn’t take long before she was torn from the nostalgic feelings. The canid trying to hammer her into the wall wasn’t Everett’s technique. He didn’t pant like he was overheating and he didn’t keep squeezing her chest like a stress toy.

But that’s the point, isn’t it? You’re not supposed to be thinking of him.

That was the point, but she couldn’t help it. This guy was not the one to distract her. She snapped her eyes open and shoved Damien away. The fox was completely caught off-guard and fell back against the far wall his penis twitching and leaking.

He stared at her, his face a mixture of shock and rage. “What the fuck was that for?!”

Bayli pulled up pants and underwear and hurried out of the alley. This was a mistake. Damien called out to her, but she ignored him and increased her pace.

What I wouldn’t give for a drink right now. It hit her she left the bottle of booze in the alley. With a quiet swear, she kept going. The drink didn’t help anyway.

It was one of the downsides of being a paladin. Her body was highly resistant to the effects of aether which as a by-product meant other things as well. Even certain pain medications were useless.

She stopped walking when she reached her apartment building. Looking up at the building only made her angrier. Half-lidded eyes that were the windows stared down at her in disappointment. It didn’t help that a noticeable line where the building had extra floors built resembled a pair of thin lips, her mother’s favorite expression.

She turned her eyes downward and stomped towards the door.

“Bayli?”

She stopped and turned. Immediately she regretted the action as Gaius, her commanding officer, stood just a few feet away. It was a reflex. If Gaius called, she answered even when she wanted to be alone. The fox had that air about him. He had the quaffed fur and neat style of dress she hated, but unlike Damien, Gaius wore the look well. But he still had that look. The staring-down-the-muzzle look that all the high-born assholes wore. Even if he was one of the ones she respected, that look always made her gorge rise.

Bayli snorted and returned to her previous mission of locking herself in her apartment.

Unfortunately, Gaius stepped through before she could shut the door in his face. “Yes, thank you for inviting me in. That’s very gracious of you.”

She said no such thing and he knew it, but she also knew why he was there, and that this night was about to get a lot worse.

He didn’t say anything until they were almost to the stairs. “I wanted to check on you,” Gaius said. “Today is—”

“I know what today is.”

“That would explain why you reek of cheap liquor and musk. What you did to that fox was very rude by the way. You at least owed him an explanation.”

Bayli rolled her eyes and tried to keep her voice as neutral as possible. “So you were watching me? Enjoy the show, you sick fuck?”

She didn’t mean that.

“I’m merely watching over my subordinate,” Gaius replied calmly. “Especially when she tries to drown her problems in sex and alcohol. Are you going to try chocolate next?”

“You know I don’t touch that stuff anymore. And I was fine, thank you. If that fox tried anything, I would’ve handled it.”

“That’s precisely what I was afraid of. If you had killed him, they would have expelled you.”

Bayli shrugged. “He was turning. I had to end him.”

Gaius seized her shoulder and spun her around. The motion caught her off-guard and she could only stare as her captain waggled a finger in her face.

“Don’t. You know better than to besmirch our order with that kind of talk. If you had tried anything like that, I would expose you myself.”

He meant it. She knew he meant it and that only made her angrier. The “integrity” of the order must be maintained, but Gaius didn’t hesitate to get his paws dirty when the time came. How badly she wanted to throw it up in his face, but she bit her tongue. She wasn’t angry or drunk enough to throw such a low blow. Instead, she regained her composure, started to slap his paw away but thought better of it, then resumed climbing the stairs. She hated that she lived on the third floor. They were just reaching the second.

That meant one more flight of this hellscape.

It didn’t take long before Gaius appeared at her side again. Bayli sighed heavily. “Can’t you just leave me alone?”

“You know I cannot. Bayli, Everett’s death was hard—”

“Don’t. Don’t lecture me.”

The awkward silence fell again. She preferred the talking. It was easier. It was distracting.

She didn’t feel any relief upon reaching her apartment. That feeling didn’t come upon entering either. She never liked coming home. It didn’t feel like home. The place reeked of her mother’s influence. Everything from the furniture to the curtains had been carefully chosen and placed to maximize comfort and ambiance. Nothing here was to her tastes or what she wanted. It was to have the intended effect on others of making them feel welcome; to get attention and wow perfect strangers.

“Make yourself at home,” she said as she walked through the apartment, stripping off clothes. Maybe Gaius would get uncomfortable at her nudity and leave. Not likely but worth a shot anyway.

It was disappointing when she returned reclothed from her bedroom to find her superior still there. The discarded clothes she left where they lie. It was a petty juvenile attempt at defying her mother’s teachings, but it made her feel better.

“Bayli, I understand you’re conflicted,” Gaius began.

“Didn’t I tell you not to lecture me? We’re not on duty right now, so you’re not my captain.”

The fox’s expression remained neutral but his ears had fallen. “I was not attempting to lecture you. I want to help you through this.”

Bayli laughed sarcastically and dropped onto the sofa. “Help me? I killed my love and you think some random lecture will make me forget?”

“What you did was not easy—”

“No, it was pretty easy. I just had to choose between the love of my life and the order I pledged my life to.” She placed her feet on the table. “Simple really. Just like Hamsfer.”

“Hamsfer deserved his punishment,” Gaius said, his voice hardening. “But Everett was an innocent—”

“There are no innocents, remember? He made his choice when he chose to betray me.”

“You don’t believe that.”

“Don’t you tell me what I can fucking believe,” she spat. “He knew what would happen if he told them what we did. But he tried it anyway. I did what I had to.”

Gaius didn’t respond. She had hoped that was the end of it, but that he hadn’t left told her he wasn’t done.

After a long silence, he spoke again. “You should’ve let me handle it.”

“It had to be me. How would you feel if it was Cathese?”

Gaius’ ears rose at the mention of his ex-wife’s name, but it was clear in his eyes the conflict he felt at the thought of being forced to choose between them. In a way he already did, but it got her point across.

“I understand,” Gaius said. “I will leave you alone now.” Before leaving, he patted her shoulder. “If you ever need to talk—”

“I know. But there’s nothing to say.”

“You did nothing wrong.”

“What does it matter now? It’s done already.”

Gaius gave her shoulder one last friendly squeeze and then left the apartment. The moment the door closed, Bayli wished he was still there. Having him there, even just to argue was better than stewing in her dark thoughts.

She got up, flicked her wrist to cast a simple spell to activate the door lock, and headed for the bedroom. She needed a distraction. Something, anything that kept her misery from taking over.

In the back of her closet was a reflection cap. It was the worst purchase she ever made. Not only was it illegal, but she didn’t even want the damn thing. Reflection caps placed its users in an illusion of their choosing. As a mage, she had no use for such a thing, but this required no magical talent or focus to maintain.

It didn’t take long to fish the cursed device out of the closet. It still looked brand new, mostly because she only ever used it once. Afterward, she felt so dirty she locked it away and swore to never touch it again.

I said that but I didn’t just throw the damn thing out or break it.

It didn’t matter now. She slipped on the headset then laid back in bed and closed her eyes.

“Someone’s awfully quiet,” Everett said.

Bayli snapped her eyes open and turned to the source next to her. The fox didn’t look a day older than the last time they spoke eight years ago. His brown spotted fur had an almost ethereal glow which she was always envious of. He didn’t do a thing to maintain his but it had such a nice sheen to it.

Bayli smiled. Everett’s grin faded and he slowly reached up and stroked her cheek. Her face felt wet after his touch.

“What’s wrong?” he asked. “Did you lose another recruit today?”

“No, I…it’s nothing.” She scooted forward until their faces were almost touching. “Nothing’s wrong at all.”

Before he could say anything else, she pulled him into a kiss. He immediately reciprocated the gesture. She wrapped her arms around him, pulling him even closer and holding tight.

She missed this so much. It was an illusion, but every bit of it felt too real. His taste, his touch, his warmth. It matched her memories of him perfectly.

They continued to kiss as their paws began to wander, removing articles of clothing without breaking the embrace.

Bayli gently rolled him onto his back so she could take in his appearance. Everett removed his top without hesitation, fully exposing himself. She slowly rubbed her paws across his chest like she always did, reveling in the softness of his fur contradicting the tightness of the muscle underneath. She paused at the patch of white fur in the center. His “warrior’s scar” he called it. “This was where fate pierced my chest and forever marked for eternity,” he would say in a loud proud voice. It sounded so cheesy to her and she hated it, which was exactly why he did it.

She traced her finger along the outline. He shuddered at her touch, a growing erection probing against her groin.

“You know it tickles when you do that,” he said.

“Oh, I know.”

She removed her top as well. Everett repeated her gesture, slowly running his paws through her fur. She lacked the patch of white in the center of her chest, but he paused there all the same and traced the same outline. A shudder went through her as it always did. It wasn’t clear when they started that routine, but it had become commonplace for them. In that one simple gesture, they understood each other and said all they needed to say.

Bayli leaned back in for another kiss. As her tongue explored his mouth, her paws explored his nethers, guiding his stiff member to her opening. She felt the heat radiating from their groins in anticipation.

She brought the tip right to the top of her folds and let him handle the rest. Without guidance, he smoothly slid inside her. A soft moan escaped as her body reacted naturally, constricting around him perfectly. His warmth joined with hers. They continued to hold each other close, faces never parting until their hips joined.

They remained that way for a while, letting their body’s unconscious twitches and movements handle their sexes as they continued to explore one another.

More tears streamed down Bayli’s face. She squeezed her eyes shut to hold them in.

This isn’t real, her mind told her. That thing pulsing between your legs is not him. There’s nothing there. There’s nobody beneath you, no warmth cuddling you. You’re alone.

She tried to force the thoughts out. Everett gently stroked her back, pausing just at the base of her tail before starting anew. He began to move his kisses downward, slowly and deliberately placing each one until he reached her collarbone.

Bayli gently grasped his head and arched her back to give him better access as he moved across her neck and back up to her lips.

As if on cue they began grinding their hips in perfect rhythm. Bayli sighed in contentment. In eight years never had she felt like this with another male. They were just quickies. Flings to satisfy a primal urge, nothing more, like eating bland food just to satisfy a pang of hunger.No one matched her shape, her movements like he did.

She felt the pressure building inside him just as it built inside herself. She pressed on his chest and increased her tempo. He gripped her hips tightly and matched her. The pressure built up more between them. His joy, his sensations, soaked into her with each thrust and soft moan. She clenched her fists and went even faster.

Suddenly Everett pushed her firmly downwards and thrust his hips one last time. She felt every throb and pulse as he released inside her. All of the tension, the worries, and the regrets melted away as the orgasm claimed her. She simply leaned forward and rode the waves of ecstasy. They kissed and held each other, soaking it all in. She couldn’t tell how long they remained this way, only that she never wanted it to end.

The realization that she would soon end the illusion made her hug him tighter, hoping to imprint some part of him onto herself to take back into the real world.

Open your eyes. This isn’t real. It isn’t right.

“Shut up,” she mumbled. Their synchronization broke.

“Hm?”

“Uh, I didn’t say anything.”

“Oh, because I thought you were saying you were ready for the second round.”

“Ready to go again already?” She giggled as she received her answer. He was still rock hard.

It didn’t take long to reattune to his pace, but the magic had been broken. It felt good feeling him inside her, but it wasn’t the same. It felt like the other times. The bland and emotionless sex meant only to bring her to orgasm as quickly as possible. The same random males whose names she never bothered to learn. The faces she couldn’t remember. The ones who didn’t care about her needs and feelings.

“Bayli, what’s wrong?”

She looked down and scooted back in shock. His penis slid effortlessly out of her as she continued to back away to the edge of the bed.

The Everett staring at her had no face. His fur was still there. It still had the same sheen. But his face was flat as a board and lacked all the features a face should have.

He tilted his head and moved closer. “What is it?”

Bayli tried to back away further but fell to the floor. A sharp pain radiated up her backside as she landed on her tail.

Shit, the illusion’s breaking. I need to get control of it again.

She closed her eyes and thought of Everett, not the faceless abomination that had his voice and his smell. A shudder of fear went through her as he gently touched her arm. It was his touch. That same contradiction of soft and firm. That same warmth. But she was afraid of opening her eyes and seeing that it was all a lie again.

His fingers closed around her wrist. Gently at first but then the pressure increased until a numbness spread through to her fingers.

She opened her eyes.

Everett’s face had returned, but his features were hard and his expression was cold. “Was it worth it?” he asked.

“What are you talking about?”

“Stabbing me in the back—oh, excuse me—the chest. Was it worth it?”

She looked down and saw the large gash in his chest where she had stabbed him. Blood poured from the wound, dripping onto her legs.

This was bad. The reflection was feeding off her thoughts except it picked up on her regrets and fears. She reached up to take off the cap, but Everett seized her other wrist and pinned her arms to her side.

“Why?” He asked.

Bayli squeezed her eyes shut and turned away. She tried to focus on something else, anything to transport her away from here. It was just an illusion. It couldn’t hurt her. Even the paws holding her arms down weren’t really there. She could move freely.

But she knew the truth wasn’t that simple. Her mind truly believed it was being held down so her body would react accordingly. The pounding of fear in her chest was real.

Everett shook her. “Why?! Why did you choose them over me?!”

“You chose first!” Bayli screamed, squeezing her eyes tighter. Instead of blocking the tears it only forced them out. “You were supposed to look the other way!”

“How could I when you betrayed everything we stood for? We took oaths remember?”

“He had to be stopped!”

“Oh, please! You did it for your own ego! You didn’t care about his victims or who he may have hurt, you just didn’t want your precious image to be ruined! And it’s exactly why you killed me!”

She tried to pull away, but she couldn’t gain an inch. It was like being held by a machine. Still, she squirmed and scooted, her heels raw from scraping against the carpet. “What about us, Everett? You knew what they would do to me if you told! I would’ve been kicked out and locked up! Is that what you wanted?”

“You betrayed your oaths! What we did in the past no longer matters once we join! We are one, we trust each other, and support each other. We don’t ignore the rules and do as we please when we see fit!” He shook her with every word. She felt dizzy. “I never liked him either. He betrayed his oaths, but you should have said something. He should’ve stood trial and held accountable for what he did. But, no, you jumped to conclusions and did whatever you wanted!”

She continued to hold her eyes shut, but she felt the heat of his fury radiating from him as he leaned closer. “I bet you took your time, didn’t you? You tortured him first, made him beg, didn’t you? Didn’t you?!”

She rapidly shook her head.

“DON’T LIE TO ME!”

“Bayli!” Gaius cried from the distance. “Bayli, snap out of it!”

A pressure vanished from her crown. A strange sensation like coming up from underwater washed over her. She snatched her eyes open and saw Gaius kneeling on the bed, the reflect cap clenched tightly in his paw. She scanned the room for any lingering signs of Everett. But he was gone.

Bayli broke into sobs. Gaius grabbed her and pulled her close. She didn’t even try to hold back and let out all of her anger and frustration. He gently stroked the back of her head until she cried herself to sleep.

****

Bayli opened her eyes with a frown. The sun shining through the gap in the curtain happened to land directly on her face. It was never a pleasant thing to wake up to.

She started to roll over when she felt something next to her. Immediately she whirled around, fearing it was another image of Everett. It wasn’t uncommon for reflect caps to leave behind lingering thoughts. Echoes they were called and it was a very bad sign as it meant someone’s sense of reality was breaking down. Instead, it was Gaius laying on the bed. Soft snores meant her brief scare had gone unnoticed. He was also fully clothed so she knew nothing happened last night. She remembered crying in his arms, but everything after was a blur. Not that it mattered. Gaius wasn’t the type to take advantage of others.

She relaxed and stumbled towards the kitchen to wake herself up. She had made some coffee and was in the middle of making breakfast when Gaius entered the kitchen. Unlike herself, he seemed wide awake. It always fascinated her how the fox could always seem wide awake regardless of how little sleep he had.

“You’re up,” she said. “I’m almost done making breakfast.”

“Thank you, but I’m afraid I can’t stay.”

“You can at least eat something. Consider it a thank you for last night. I made some coffee, too.”

With her back to him, she couldn’t see his expression, but the sound of his footsteps signaled his movement to the counter where the coffee pot sat and then to the table.

After a brief silence, he spoke, “I destroyed that infernal device by the way. What were you thinking? Those things are not only illegal, but they’re also dangerous.”

“Yeah, I know,” she said, scooping a batch of bacon onto a plate and placing it next to the pile of pancakes. “But I wanted to see him again. Sue me.”

He didn’t retort, not that she expected it. Gaius always did have a knack for reading a room and knowing when to push and when to back off. The sound of more bacon sizzling was the only break in the silence.

She couldn’t take it, knowing he silently sat back there, judging her, so she spoke up. “So why’d you come back?”

“I wanted to return your ID. Your ‘friend’ helped himself to your valuables during your fling. I left them on the nightstand in your room.”

Bayli swore under her breath. She was so caught up in her regrets, that she hadn’t noticed anything was even missing. “Thanks for that, but it doesn’t explain why you came back in the middle of the night.”

There was a brief silence before he replied. “I didn’t wish to leave you alone. I know Everett’s death is hard on you.”

She turned back to the pancakes so he couldn’t see the tears forming. “No, you don’t. You didn’t have to kill the one you love just so the order didn’t lose face.”

“No, and I pray I never do.” He sighed heavily as he rotated the mug in his paws. “I’m sorry, Bayli. I should’ve dealt with Hamsfer myself.”

“You didn’t make me do it. I chose to help you. I’m a big girl. I make my own messes.” She turned her attention to the pancakes. “Besides, Everett would have told on you if he knew anyway. And I still would’ve had to kill him.”

“I won’t accept that you would choose me over him.”

“Good thing I wasn’t asking your permission then. Look, Gaius, the order needs you. Everyone knows it. It’s because of you that canids see the order as something besides a bunch of ex-cons trying to play hero.”

“You’re not an ex-con and neither am I.”

“Like anyone gives a shit. Hamsfer would’ve ruined everything we built up.” With a frustrated sigh, she threw down the fork used to flip the bacon. “Why couldn’t Everett see that? We’re the only ones equipped to handle the Afflicted. The order can’t fall.”

“He knew that, but his thoughts on the path we should follow differed from ours. He believed that being open and direct was the right way even if it costs something in the end. He knew the costs either way but know that he didn’t come to his decision lightly.”

She scooped the last pancake and the rest of the bacon onto a separate plate, but she left it on the counter and continued to face the wall. It was easier to have a calm conversation talking to the wall than seeing that pitying look on his face. That look hurt more than any insult.

But she also couldn’t stand there all day. Their breakfast would get cold. Wiping away any lingering tears that may have formed, she took the plates to the table. Thankfully, it still gave her something else to stare at.

“It’s been eight years,” she said. “I should be over it by now.”

“These things do not come with a time limit. You will stop grieving when it’s time.”

“And what am I supposed to do in the meantime?”

“Embrace the support of others. I will always be available should you require it.”

“That’s all, huh? Just hang in there and hope for the best?”

“I’m sorry, Bayli, but this is not something I can do for you. I can’t take away your pain or your regrets. You have to make peace with your demons on your own.”

She raised her head to look him in the eye. He didn’t have the pitying stare she feared but he looked tired. And sad. “And what about you?” she asked. “Did you make peace with it?”

“I’m at peace knowing I followed my principles.”

“So you don’t have any regrets about what we did?”

“All the time, but I also accept that changing the outcome is beyond me.”

She snorted and pushed her plate away having suddenly lost her appetite. “I wish I had your confidence.”

“Yes, I wish I did, too.”

---

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