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>"And with just five easy payments of ten ninety nine ninety nine ninety nine you can have a beautiful new-“

>"So join me on my podcast as we explore the spine tingling, slow burn, atmospheric, bone rattling, horror of-“

>"-who was only apprehended after a lengthy foot chase by police involving search dogs and helicopters. Mrs. Cheeto will be serving ten years in-“

>I turn the radio to the next station with a sigh, nothing seems to be catching my interest

>"Now the lizard people don't want you to know this, the iguanas especially, but in prehistoric times bovine women had horns just as large and sharp as their male counterparts. Yes, I'm not shitting you, we had horns on top of our heads that were just as good at ripping out the entrails of our enemies as any buck or bull. Two stiff, bony, razor sharp horns on top of our goddamn heads that we used to defend the herd against the ravenous wolves that wanted to have our asses for lunch, literally! But you know why I don't have any such horns? Why my bovine sisters don't have any such horns?"

>I hear a loud slam

>"Because of the fucking hormones they're putting in our food and water! For years the hyena led and anti-bovine leaning government has been putting chemicals in our very diets without our consent, knowledge, or approval! Now all we have are two tiny little nubs on our heads while the menfolk get to keep their proud sets! It's a conspiracy against women of bovine descent and I'm sick of it! Go to any museum! Go ask any historian! And you'll see that even just fifty years ago the average female cow horn length was TWICE as long as it is today! And before that it was three times as long!

>There's a short pause as she catches her breath, when she returns I can tell her mouth is right up against the mic

>"But sisters, my fellow heifers, there is a way to counteract the machinations the yeen state has set against us. There is a medicine, fully natural and 100% GMO free, that will cleanse your beautiful buxom bodies of the poison they've been feeding us and get you your horns back. That's right baby! We're taking back our natural means of defense! And that medicine's name is Ultra™ Bovine™ Vitality™. Sold by yours truly, it will detoxify, cleanse, purify, and tell your body to turn those shameful nubs into a proud set of beautiful set of bovine horns! And if you order within the next thirty minutes I'll even throw in a sample of my very own lactation supplement, free of charge! Turn those udders into the milk machines they were always meant to be ladies! Just call 1-800-444-6325 to place your orders."

>There's another pause, I hear her lean back in a creaky chair and scratch her chin

>"But don't think for a second that I'm just here to sell you things my dear listeners, oh no, I'm here to bring you the truth no matter how hard it may be to swallow. Which is why I want to bring forth one more issue that's recently come up. My anonymous sources, who I trust with every bone in my body, have brought to my attention a new plot against the public. The EPA, get this, is putting chemicals in the water to TURN THE FREAKING HUMIES GAY! Every human in this country will be batting for the opposing team within just a few years and when I say every human I mean every human. Expect divorce rates to soar, gay bars on every street corner, rainbows as far as the eye can see. And it's already happening! Just yesterday I saw two human males holding hands while walking down the street! The chemicals are altering the group collective and it's only a matter of time until the yeen state has every humie looking at the same sex with hungry, lustful eyes. It's only matter of time until humies are fully removed from the straight dating pool, only a matter of time."

>I hear her growl before taking a sip of water

>“So to all my heifers out there, and any other women of furry inclination, if you have your eyes set on a human bachelor I suggest you snatch him up now, before the chemicals have a chance to permanently alter his brain. I would also suggest making sure he only drinks clean, pure, well water or fresh runoff from any local mountains. Breast milk would also be a good alternative to water. Did I mention I have lactation supplements available? Anyway, don't expect to hear from me for some time dear listeners, I'll be packing up my doomsday mobile and driving up to the mountains to think all of this over after I sign off. My sources have given me a lot to think about, and I hope you take all of this as seriously as I do. But have hope, your favorite heifer will be back on the air in due time to spout the dark truths the yeen state doesn't want you to know. So keep your horns held high, buck the system, trample the charlatans trying to mislead you, and you just may live to see another day. This is Betty Holstein, signing off."

>I can't help but chuckle, what a strange set of beliefs Mrs. Holstein seems to harbor

>Shadowy cabals of lizard people? Ancient heifers with deadly horns? A conspiracy to turn all the humans gay?

>Thankfully I have enough sense to know it's all-

>*BANG*

>The hood to my car blows open and I slam on the brakes, rolling onto the curb until coming to a complete stop

>I get out and survey the damage

>Among the twisted tubing, sprays of oil, and shattered metal I come to one conclusion

>It's fucked well beyond repair

>With an aggravated sigh I get out my phone and call a local tow service

>Still, as much as this sucks I can't be too annoyed, this is a work car so I won't be the one footing the repair bill

>Call sent, I lean against the trunk and await the tow truck, absentmindedly staring at the lonely forest around me

>Half an hour later I finally hear a low rumble in the distance

>It grows louder and a smile comes to my face, it's finally here!

>The front of a large vehicle, fitted with a brush guard and rows of extra lighting, speeds towards me at a rapid pace

>It screeches to a stop next to my car and-

>Wait a minute

>This isn't a tow truck, it's just a monster SUV

>I walk up to the passenger side window and wave

>It rolls down and I see a bovine woman at the wheel

>"Hey, are you who the towing company sent? I'm not sure if there was some miscommunication but I needed someone to tow me."

>There's an awkward silence, then she leans towards me

>"Are you gay?"

>I shake my head in bewilderment

>"…what?"

>"You know what I said humie, are you gay? Do you like other men in a sexual manner?"

>"…no."

>"Oh thank god, they haven't gotten to you yet!"

>The heifer reaches over the center console and grabs me by the collar, manhandling me through the window and into the passenger seat with a surprisingly strength

>After untangling my limbs I point a finger at her and shout

>"What the hell do you think you're doing! You're fucking crazy lady, you can't just pull me into your car like that. I'm going to call the cops and-“

>By the time I open the door she's already accelerating with all the strength her V8 can muster

>Seeing the road become a blur below me, and not wanting to split my skull open on a tree if I try to jump out at the wrong time, I reluctantly close the door and turn to my captor

>"So what is this? A kidnapping? Are you trying to kidnap me?"

>"Kidnap you?" She exclaims with a laugh. “I'm saving you!"

>"From who?! I was doing just fine before you pulled up, ya dumb cow."

>"From those no good, scum sucking, authoritarian pigs behind me."

>I look in the rear-view mirror and my heart sinks

>Several flashing red and blue lights appear from around a bend, their sirens blaring and engines roaring

>I melt in my seat as my day goes from bad to worse

>"So you're a criminal then? You rob a bank or something? Commit a hit and run? Dine and dash?"

>"Are you calling me fat?" She asks with a mean glare, tits and belly jiggling as she turns to me

>I put my hands up in surrender

>"No, no, just speculating."

>"Good, because I'll have you know I'm actually quite skinny for a heifer, we need all the extra pudge for a calf rearing and milk making."

>Skinny for a heifer, riiiiiiiight

>"So why are we being chased by the cops?"

>"No idea! They just started tailing me a few miles back and I booked it. But I have a hunch, and that's that the yeen state is trying to finally take me out. I've uncovered one too many of their devious plots and now they want to silence me for good, keep the public from knowing the foul, dark, musky, possibly pseudo penis related things they have planned for them."

>I nod in understanding, the pieces starting to come together in my head

>"Ohhhh, so you must be Betty Holstein. I heard you on the radio."

>"Yes! You know about my show!" She beams, an unhinged smile on her face. “Good thing too, I bet the only reason you aren't gay is because you listened to my advice and have only been drinking fresh water that hasn't been contaminated by what the EPA's been dosing it with, haven't you?"

>“Uhhh…ya."

>"Perfect, because you may be one of the few human males that hasn't been turned into a homosexual in the entire county. You'll be a hot commodity in the brave new world we're headed towards, believe me. Future society will need all the breeding studs they can get their hands on."

>"Very cool, but what location are headed towards at the moment?"

>"My secret cabin in the woods! I bought an old fixer upper some time ago to have a nice quiet place to lay low in. Don't worry, it's got a ground well and is well out of range of any 5G towers. I had just loaded my SUV with supplies when the cops started following me. We should be there soon." She says, turning onto a thin dirt road leading deeper into the forest

>I look to the rear of the SUV to see the trunk and rear seats absolutely piled high with boxes and equipment

>Guns, ammo, freeze dried food, MREs, firewood, gallons of water, medical supplies, she had enough gear back there to outfit a small army

>"And just what are we going to do once we arrive?"

>"Hunker down, lock the doors, make our final stand against the armed thugs sent to silence the truth. Don't worry, when word gets out that I was a martyr I'm sure my loyal listeners will take up arms and start the revolution. The yeen state must be taken down, even if it has it happen after you and me are five feet under." She declares, clenching a fist in front of her

>I look to the window and groan

>I'm going to die next to this dumb fat cow because of a little car trouble, aren't I?

>"Betty, have you considered any peaceful solutions to this problem of yours? Have you written to your local lawfully elected yeen representative recently? Maybe they'd be willing to-“

>"We're here!" The SUV comes to a screeching halt next to a humble wooden cabin, its large wooden door covered in locks and windows barred from the outside. “Help me get some of this stuff inside before the cops catch up!" She orders, throwing the door open and grabbing a tower of boxes

>As she rushes to the front door of the cabin I step outside, the sound of sirens quickly growing louder

>Ya know, maybe if I surrender as soon as they get close they'll refrain from lumping me in with Mrs. Mad Cow Disease over there…

>Plan in mind, I begin to help Betty take things inside, ever aware of the sirens in the distance

>Just when it seemed like a cop car was about to come into view I rush over to Betty with a box in hand

>"Here, take this! I'll get more stuff!"

>"Alright, but be sure to come inside when you see the cops. They've been told to shoot to kill, I'm sure of it!"

>She takes the box and scampers back inside

>Finally alone, I begin walking up the road and see the flashing red and blue lights of my soon to be saviors round the corner

>I put my hands up in the air and stop in my tracks

>The car comes to a stop a few dozen yards away and the doors open

>The officers, a couple of mean looking boars, draw their sidearms

>"Hey! I was kidnapped by that crazy cow lady! I've got nothing to do with this! I swear!" Yet it's as if the officers don't hear me, taking cover behind their car doors and keeping their weapons trained on my head. “Guys come on, we're on the same-“

>*BANG-BANG-BANG*

>The bullets whiz past my head and I stumble backwards, falling on my ass in shock

>A strong hand immediately grabs me by the shoulder and drags me towards the cabin, Betty letting off rounds from her hand cannon as she drags me backwards

>"Take this you slabs of undercooked bacon! Eat my bullets of righteous bovine fury!"

>The boars cower behind their cruiser and I'm dragged through the door and into the cabin

>She lets go and I take a look around, back sore and mind spinning

>The interior is sparse, with only a few pieces of simple wooden furniture and Betty's doomsday supplies littering the room

>More bullets rip through the windows and I cower behind an overturned table with Betty

>"Ah fuck, what are we going to do now?" I whimper

>"Just stay right next to me." She orders, emptying her revolver cylinder. “These walls are made from several inches of solid oak, and the cabin itself lays on a layer of solid granite, if the exchange goes nuclear we won't have to worry about it coming down around us."

>"Nuclear?! What the fuck are you talking about?"

>She finishes loading her revolver and flicks it closed

>"And let me know if you see anyone out there with a blue helmet on."

>"What?!"

>"If things start looking bad I have some kool-aid in the fridge. I'm sure you'll know what to do when the time comes."

>I put my hands up to my head and rip a few hairs out in frustration

>"I am not going to kill myself today Betty. I'm sure this is all some sort of big misunderstanding. Why don't you go out there and try to talk to them? Things could work out!" I plead, a very fake hopeful smile on my face

>"And get shot twice in the back of the head? No thanks."

>I simmer behind the table for a few moments until a voice coming from a loudspeaker breaks the silence

>"We have you surrounded! Come out with your hands above your head and no one will get hurt. We understand that you have hostages in the cabin with you. How many are there?"

>"One! One hostage!" I shout out the window, Betty giving me a strange look as I do so

>"Just one? What the…"

>There's a moment of confused silence as the cops outside begin to discuss something among themselves

>Eventually the loudspeaker comes back alive

>"Alright, so who was driving the vehicle we followed here?"

>"Betty Holstein, and you better remember my name, I know the history books will!" Betty answers

>"Ah fuck…" There's another silence as the cops eventually come to some kind of decision. “Sorry folks, looks like we got the wrong cabin in the woods. We have a hostage situation to attend to elsewhere, sorry for wasting your time."

>I rush to the window to see the convoy of cop cars race off down the road

>Breathing a sigh of relief, I watch until the last car goes out of view

>Betty ambles around somewhere behind me, surveying the damage to her cabin in the afternoon light

>"Damn pigs and their terrible aim, this is going to take a while to repair. What do you say Anon? You want to help me patch up these bullet holes? There might even be something in it for you if you help me out. Something to, you know, help keep us warm tonight."

>I turn around and her jaw practically drops to the floor, she continues

>"Anon you're…you're…glowing?"

>"Heh…heh…ha…ha-ha-ha!" I laugh evilly, the corn syrup flowing through my veins tinting my skin with a faint neon glow. “Things didn't quite go to keikaku, but now that the last witnesses have left the area…" I pull my pistol out from my waistband. “…I can finally do my job and take you off the air, permanently."

>Betty gasps, stepping backwards

>“Who sent you? Was it the yeens? The igaunas?"

>"Neither, actually. Those groups are nothing more than controlled opposition. In reality it's the wolves that have been pulling the strings. The history books always say that wolves were the first species domesticated by our ancestors, but really it's the other way around."

>"And your broken down car?"

>"I was on the way here to set up an ambush for when you arrived. A blown-up engine really put a wrench in things, but now that we're all alone it won't make a difference."

>"And what you said earlier? About being straight?" Betty pulls her top down exposing her plump breasts. “You don't even like my womanly mams, do you?"

>I smirk and shake my head

>"The chemicals in the water have been doing their magic, I wouldn't fuck you with someone else's dick. Besides, I don't even like milk. I'm lactose intolerant."

>Betty whimpers and puts a hand over her mouth, apparently me being lactose intolerant was more shocking than me wanting to kill her

>"A-alright then, you lactose hating son of a bitch. Do it. Get it over with. But just know this, you may be able to kill me with that gun of yours, but the truth is bulletproof."

>"You stole that line from a movie."

>"No I didn't."

>I roll my eyes and aim my pistol at her head

>"Whatever. Goodbye Betty Hol-“

>In a flash her hands move to her breasts

>"Titty milk!"

>A spurt of milk hits my face and gets into my eyes

>"Ah that's fucking gross." I grunt, wiping my eyes

>By the time I look up she's already closing the distance in a charge, head held low as her little horn nubs are aimed squarely at my forehead

>There's a sharp pain, then darkness

*************************

>"Hello fellow truth sayers, fact finders, and conspiracy connoisseurs. This is the one and only Betty Holstein back on the air. My brief vacation at an undisclosed location in the woods has finally come to an end and I return to grace your ears with the forbidden knowledge the elites don't want you to know about. But before we get started, be sure to stay tuned at the end for an exclusive interview with a very special guest!"

>A distant voice can be heard in the background

>"Let me go you fat cow! I'm a CIA operative, you can't do this to me! Help! Anyone! CIA! FBI! ATF! EPA! FEMA! Border Patrol! Postal service!"

>A strip of duct tape is heard being torn and the man's pleas turn to muffled groans

>"Sorry about that, our special guest doesn't seem to want to wait for his interview. Now where was I? Ah, that's right. First on our list of topics is a most startling revelation. I'm sure you all know how much I've been ragging on the yeen state these past few months. Well, I got some news that's going to blow your socks off folks. You see, the real masterminds behind this charade of a civilization are the…"