FSE

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Steven didn't hate his new job at the slaughterhouse. He just hated that he has to talk to the cows before he killed them. A few hours into his shift, another cow like any other is herded down the chute. It's a lovely black and white that will make a tasty cut of meat. Steven says the same line he has said all day, "Hello, my name is Steven. I'll be your executioner today." He places the captive bolt pistol up to the cows head and says, "You have five seconds to object by speaking any words you know." Steven counts out loud "One, two, three..." The cow looks around rapidly and says "Words!" Steven looks wide eyed and tries to remember what his boss told him to do if one ever spoke back.

He hits a red button and an alarm rings through the factory. Several people come running towards the chute. His supervisor, Mark, grabs the cows head and says, "Speak." The cow looks around and doesn't reply, Mark slaps it across the muzzle and says, "This is your only chance. Speak now or forever hold your peace." The cow slowly repeats the word, "Speeek?" Mark lets go of the cow and says "Get it out of here!" Other people push the cow off the killing floor and down another chute leading out of the slaughter house. Mark says, "God damn half-breeds. This is the third one this month." Mark looks over at Steven and says, "Good catch, kid. Now let's get this show back on the road." Steven is apprehensive for the rest of the day and really makes sure the cows are paying attention when he asks them to speak.

After his shift is over, Steven asks his supervisor. "Why does this happen?" Mark replies, "Tainted bloodline. Somewhere down the line, several dumbasses got themselves transformed into Non-Feral Animals. They made babies with ferals and got their buddy to sell all the kid's stud services to several unknowing cattle ranchers. The tainted seed was shipped all over the country for more than a year before anyone discovered it."

Steven is shocked. He says, "But the chances of fertilization are so low. Why is this happening so often?" Mark continues, "It is low. but the half-breeds return the chances back to normal. That cow today was probably a fifth or sixth generation." Steven asks, "Didn't anyone notice talking cows right away?" Mark shakes his head and replies, "Unless they develop an interest in repeating the words that are yelled at them, their brains don't develop speech and they act like the other cows around them."

Mark has a sudden realization, "Are you saying some of the cows I've been killing are intelligent beings?!" Mark looks impassively at Steven and replies, "That cow you found will have the speech capacity of a one year old child for the rest of its life. If it was taught while it's brain was still developing, it would have had a chance to be classified as intelligent."

Steven looks down in thought and Mark places his hand on his shoulder to say, "We saved that cow from the slaughter because it had the spark of intelligents. You shouldn't worry about the ones with unlit sparks. If the cows are dumb enough to make it inside without verbally objecting at any point, they are legally animals in all sense of the word. The boys outside will catch the smart ones before they even get to you. Bloodlines will be traced and the parents will be removed from the gene pool."

The slaughterhouse parking lot is loud with the sounds of cattle as Steven walks to his car. He looks at the paddock holding the cows waiting to be slaughtered. He turns towards it and yells at the nearest one. "Why would you wait until I'm about to kill you, to let anyone know!" Steven leans against his car and takes deep breaths. A cow walks up to the fence and watches Steven. It says, "Food?" Steven looks up in a panic. He runs up to the fence and rapidly looks through the herd to try to find which one talked.

Steven walks along the fence yelling "FOOD!" trying to get any cow to say the word again. None of the cows respond as Steven breaks down into tears. He kicks the fence in anger. Steven wipes the tears away on his sleeve and walks back to his car. He decided he needs a drink and drives to his favorite bar.

The bar is pretty empty for a monday night. Steven sees a familiar co-worker at a table and carries his beer over to sit next to him. Steven looks at the German Shepherd wearing a collar with his Non-Feral Animal ID tag hanging off it and thinks, 'Without the ID collar there is no way to tell him apart from a regular dog.' The dog says, "Hey Steven. You look like you had a rough day." Steven gulps down half the beer and replies, "Jack, Why did you even tell me about this job at the slaughterhouse?" Jack thinks for a moment and says, "It pays well and you looked like you needed the money."

Steven rubs his head and says, "I found my first NFA half-breed today." Jack replies, "Oh shit! I'm so sorry man. We usually catch them before they get that far." Steven says, "I was on the count of three before the damn thing decided it didn't want to die and I know at least one more is wandering around outside."

Jack smiles and says, "Sounds like you need to pet me to release some dopamine in your system." Steven reaches his hand up to pet Jacks neck and starts to feel better after a minute. Steven says, "Thanks Jack. I don't think I want to go back to that job." Jack reaches his muzzle down to the table and laps at his drink. Jack says, "It pays way too well to just quit. Besides, I hear that some people, don't even bother to ask the questions when they are working the gun. Do you really want to be replaced by one of them?"

With exasperation, Steven replies, "That's murder!" Jack replies nonchalantly, "Not in the eyes of the law. An undocumented NFA doesn't have the same rights as the rest of us. The slaughterhouse would kill indiscriminately if weeding out the talking ones didn't give good publicity and a shiny certification label for the package." Steven finishes his beer and waves the empty at the bartender. Another beer is placed in front of him and Steven says, "I'm gonna go into work early tomorrow and try to save an idiot cow before it gets itself brained by the bolt pistol." Jack replies "Boss won't like you saving too many cows from the slaughter. It eats into the profit margins."

The next day, Steven is walking around outside the paddock with Jack. Steven waves half an apple at the hungry cows while yelling "Food?" Jack asks, "Are you sure it said 'Food' and it wasn't just a Moo?" Steven ignores Jack and continues to walk down the fence line waving the apple. After five minutes of only hearing moos and bellows from the cows, Jack suggests, "Let's go talk to Candy Corn in the back."

Steven hasn't actually met Candy Corn, but has seen him from the window of the breakroom. Jack leads Steven away from the holding paddock to a special holding area for the factory rejects. Jack ducks between the wide bars of the gate and Steven opens it slightly to squeeze through. Steven sees Candy Corn and takes in the sight.

Candy Corn is a 3,000 pound Black Rhino in charge of herding the cattle into the slaughterhouse. Jack and a few other herding dogs help of course, but sometimes it takes more than a few barks to get some cooperation. The rhino's front horn is painted a safety orange at the base with a yellow stripe and then white at the tip to resemble his namesake of a candy corn. Attached to the tip of the horn is a short electric cattle prod. When the prod fails to motivate, the 1,000 pounds of bulk he has over the average cow gets the job done.

Being around the rhino so much, Jack walks right up and says, "Hey Corn, Steven thinks he heard another blabber mouth in the holding paddock yesterday." Corn looks up from his grazing and says, "These ranchers are getting sloppy. They probably purposely breed tainted bloodlines because they are such high quality stock." Corn turns his large body towards Steven and the human takes a step back as the horn points at him. Corn says, "Don't worry, it's not turned on."

Steven nervously says, "Hi Corn. I'm Steven. I work the captive bolt gun and found the half breed inside yesterday." Corn sighs and replies, "Some of them want to dick around and wait until they have a gun to their head before they speak up. What did the other one in the holding paddock do to catch your attention?" Steven recounts the story of yelling at the cows and hearing a reply. Jack adds, "It was probably a weird moo that just sounded like food."

Corn thinks for a moment and says, "Let's go over there and have a look." Corn uses his mouth to delicately open the gate to the field while Jack and Steven walk through. He swings it closed and walks over to the cow pen. Corn says, "Be a dear and let me in, would you?" Steven unlatches the more complicated gate and lets Jack and Corn in with the cows. Steven closes them in the paddock and Corn looks back to ask, "You coming?"

Steven replies, "Isn't it dangerous for me?" Jack huffs, "They are just stupid cows. This is your hunt. Don't be a bitch." Corn is more understanding and says, "I don't usually let people do this, but if it will make you feel safer you can ride on my back." Corn presses his side to the gate and Steven climbs over the fence to sit atop Corn's back. Corn lumbers slowly towards the herd while Steven gets a feel for how a rhino rides. Having ridden a horse a few times in his life, Steven isn't a complete ametuer when it comes to riding and adjusts quickly.

The rhino begins to explain, "It's pretty subtle but sometimes you can tell they are smarter than your average cow by things like, avoiding stepping in their own shit, being really good at following verbal commands, or quickly realizing I'm not a threat to them unless they piss me off." Jack pipes up and says, "Remember the stubborn one we found that yelled 'Move, you asshole!' when you tasered it? It probably learned that from the farm hand that loaded it up." Steven laughs and they reach the edge of the herd.

The sea of cows part as Corn walks into the herd. He says, "Callout anything that catches your attention." The cows close ranks behind them and a tinge of panic hits Steven. Corn can feel Steven tense up and reassures him, "You'll be fine as long as you stay on my back. Even if you do fall off, just crawl under me." Jack says, "One over there is looking at us funny." Jack walks up to its face and it doesn't budge. The cow sniffs at him and Jack barks in its face. It recoils and backs up into the herd.

Steven has a pretty good view from atop the rhino. He looks around him at the herd, as all the cows stare at the trio. Corn says in his booming voice, "All of you are going to die very soon, unless you are smart enough to say something about it." Corn walks through the herd for a few more minutes as he looks around at all the cows. Jack says, "Wave that apple around. I'm sure that might spark their interest." Steven fishes the now lint covered apple out of his pants pocket and a few cows press even closer. Steven feels safe on Candy Corn's back.

The apple holds a few cows attention as Steven calls out, "I got food! Just say the word and it's all yours." Jack listens to the moos as they taunt the Cows with a tasty treat. Finally, they reach the other side of the fence and Corn says, "The smart ones sometimes hang out by the fence to watch cars go by. Not much else to do to keep their brain occupied."

Jack and Corn walk the fence line and come across a few cows that don't get out of their way. Corn lowers his horn and uses his front leg to flip the toggle switch on the stun rod. The cows look at him and he says, "You've seen me use this on your friends. Get out of my way or you're gonna have a bad day." One cow quickly moves out of the way and the rest just stare. Jack says, "Gotcha! Keep an eye on that one Steven." They follow the cow through the herd and Corn says, "Hey buddy, where you going? We got FOOD." The cow stops in its tracks and turns it's head back to look at Steven waving the apple.

The cow thinks for a moment and then makes a noise, "Fooooo." Jack says, "See I told you it was just a weird moo." Corn replies, "Don't be so quick to judgment." Steven calls out. "Food! Food, with a da. Say it for us please. DAAAAA." The cow looks from the apple to Steven and tries again, "Daaa fooooo. Daaaa fooooo." Corn says, "He's borderline. Let's get him out of here. Give him half the apple and let's use the second bite to lead him out."

With a flat palm Steven holds out the apple and the cow reaches up to eat it. Jack walks in front of them to clear a path with barks while Steven uses the other half of the apple to entice the beast to follow them. They slowly make it to the gate and Steven dismounts to open the gate. The cow follows them out of the paddock and into the reject pen. The five cows milling around greet the new one and spout random words they know at him.

Corn walks over to a barn and presses down a peddle with his front leg. He looks into the camera and says, "Found a new one this morning. Ear tag number FG452. Borderline case. Couldn't make a full word. Further testing is needed." Corn releases the pedal and the camera cuts off.

The Rhino remembers his horn is still on and walks over to Steven. He sneaks up behind the unsuspecting human and taps his horn against Steven's butt. The prod lets out a zap and Steven jumps into the air and yips. Jack and Corn laugh as Steven angrily rubs his butt. Corn reaches his leg up to flick the horn off and says, "Good work out there greenhorn. Looks like you get to name FG452 since he's your find."

Jack looks at the cow and says, "We usually name them after their first words." Steven looks at the cow and says, "What kind of a name is Dahfoo?" Corn says, "Works for me." He yells at the cows, "Everyone lineup. It's time for the welcome dance." Jack runs over to the barn and turns on the stereo.

Three of the cows line up as the others watch. A guitar starts playing and the cows do the two step with their front legs. Jack and Corn stand in front to lead the dance. Corn says, "Come on Steven, show these heifers how it's done." Steven laughs at the dancing animals and joins in the fun.