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An Instructive Guide to Understanding Your Fellow Kobold

By Jake Halos

Q&A

Who would I be without my dear readers?

A dragon, of course, but a dragon without an audience! No one to understand my brilliance, no one to observe my magnificence, no one to bask in my presence. I would be a husk of myself—yes, I would obviously be as iridescent as ever, but looks aren't everything. My words only hold power because of you.

My initial question is provided as a means to explain the purpose of this final section; I cannot complete this guide without the assurance that I have righted the path of truly understanding your fellow kobold. Without such assurance, my work here will have been for naught.

To achieve the perfection I seek, I must look to my dear readers. You have questions I must answer. You have wrongs I must right. You have worries I must quell. You have cocks I must endlessly tease. My final farewell will be to you:

My fans. My readers. My supporters.

For the remainder of this Q&A, I've chosen one of my better enunciated kobolds to read aloud the questions. My answers will be based on my first reactions to hearing them. No fancy post-editing—this will be an unfiltered, raw examination into my innermost kobold thought process. How exhilarating!

In total, there will be twenty questions. As much as I'd love to answer all questions, I only have so much time to give; the rest of my time is reserved for my kobolds. The most commonly asked questions have been curated with hopes they might prove of use in your future endeavors. Fear not if the answers you seek are below! I trust you have everything you require to succeed—because I trust myself. You've been spoon fed the recipe of my design, and from it, you will blossom. You will find the knowledge you desire—

The knowledge to truly understand your fellow kobold.

Q1: I have a _____ kink. Will I scare away kobolds because of this?

This is the most common question we receive. The answer is no—with a caveat. You will scare away some kobolds with a kink… if you pick the wrong time to bring it up.

It's all about who and when. Who will be interested? You can go about the process of vetting each and every kobold you meet, but let me fill you in on a little secret: kobolds are into it all.

I know this because I'm something of a “stress-tester". Plenty of kinks fall under my umbrella: paws, maws, ass, cock, and worship of any other body parts. Watersports, muskplay, petplay, bondage, smothering, chastity (a personal favorite of my kobold care), vore… did I forget any obvious ones? I'm sure I did—and there are so, so many more I don't have time to mention here.

The point is that damn near every fetish is fair game. My hoard has never been apprehensive to my fetishes. Sure, every kobold of mine has a particular favorite, but as a collective, they appreciate all of what I bring to the bedroom equally.

So, the question of who isn't necessarily one that needs answering. More specifically, I'd consider that the who being sought after should not intwine themselves with sexual compatibility. Remember that you can always bend a kobold's preferences to match your own.

The question of when is the tricky one, sometimes. It depends on you. Are you a dragon or other similarly imposing figure? If so, I hardly say there is a restriction of when to confess your interests. If not, you have some additional tiptoeing to do around the subject. The best thing is to gain the kobolds trust. When you have their trust, you have their devotion.

Q2: My kobold wants me to _____. I've never done this before—how would I go about doing it? Or should I refuse?

This one is also a fairly common question. Seems like some of you are putting on the backpedal when your kobold confesses a kink of their own. All I can say is—don't be a goddamn prude.

You knew what you were getting yourself into. Kobolds are sexual creatures. You have to satisfy them as much as they satisfy you. If a kobold wants something, I'd suggest you give it to them, because if you cannot, then you are in a bit of a conundrum; if there are conflicts of interest between you and your kobold, there are only two options: make the kobold give in to your requirements—there is no meeting halfway—or part ways with one another.

The first option can be difficult in itself; one too many demands, and the kobold might become withdrawn and resentful. Yes, I know I mentioned that kobolds are down for anything, but that doesn't mean it is impossible to get under their scales. Things can get out of hand when interests don't align. It can get especially messy if handled incorrectly, and sometimes the only correct move… is to move on.

If you really are uneasy about stepping outside your comfort zone, then I suggest it's time to move on yourself. I'm afraid you will never understand your fellow kobold.

Q3: Aren't you a kobold?

No comment.

…And a ridiculous question to begin with, if I might be so bold as to say!

Q4: My kobold wants it up the tailpipe, but there's no way I'll fit! What should I do?

There's no way it'll fit currently.

Seriously, some of you are just the most uneducated amateurs when it comes to sexual intercourse. I'm not insulting you. I am merely… amping you up to do better, in a manner that is deemed by some as rude or blunt.

Anyhow. On the matter of elasticity. The innards of a kobold require patience. You are dealing with something that lives and breathes like you. Yet you also wish for the properties akin to a cock sleeve. Pliable, durable, and most importantly, pleasant around the shaft. A kobold, one specifically that is properly trained, can fit all those markers.

But I'm not going to explain the process to you, because, to be honest, there's a dozen million different tutorials on the process. I just googled the phrase “How to stretch my anus" on my phone, and voilà, all one could ever want regarding one's posterior. I could also google “WIDEN ASS" and likely yield the same results… huh, well, not quite, but close enough. Oh, wow… Saving that one for later.

Q5: Should I have my kobolds spayed/neutered?

Kobolds are not the equivalent of household pets!

Please do not spay or neuter your kobolds. That is quite rude, not to mention barbaric. Would it be fair that the same be done unwillingly to you? No, so don't even think about it! Be responsible and teach them safe sex instead. It might take a few lessons to get through their thick skulls, but kobolds aren't stupid. They will catch on, and they will obey your commands if taught right, without the unwarranted need of medical intervention.

Better yet, do as I do for my hoard: chastity. No worrying about litters if your kobolds are locked up! This has the added bonus of keeping them needy for your touch. You hold all the cards—and keys. Kobolds who show good behavior get released, and those who get caught being naughty… well, let me just say that a week or two locked up gets them quickly back in line.

Q6: Aren't kobolds just scaled cock sleeves?

…Sure, if viewing them as such is what floats your boat. It's a boat that you'll quickly find is full of holes, but sure, think of kobolds in that way. I'm honestly not even sure what question is being asked here.

I'd rather implore my dear readers to instead think of them as kobolds—you know, as a sane mind would do. You may use them as cock sleeves on occasion, by all means, but please remind yourself that kobolds aren't meant to serve the same purpose as mundane objects. To think in that manner is to squander their potential.

Q7: Kobolds are everywhere! How do I choose the right kobold(s) for me?

First off—don't panic! I don't want to alarm you, but there's a lot of different species everywhere. Kobolds are nothing special in that regard. Yes, statistically they are more fitting as cock warmers than the average citizen, but don't let the choices overwhelm you. One step at a time my dearest kobold tamers.

Focus on the nearest kobold that catches your fancy. Drown out the other kobolds in the picture. Congratulations, you've chosen the right kobold, because kobolds are cookie cutter as they get. Each has the standard installation of a singular mouth and asshole. Some have inward junk and others outward junk, so you've got some decisions to make there… but I'll let you in on a secret: both are good.

Literally you will not be disappointed in the slightest with whichever kobold you end up snagging. My guarantee. No, I will not be refunding your purchase if you fail; I do not condone losers.

Q8: Rumors say that you're not a dragon. Are you even qualified to make this guide?

Who the hell is listening to such nonsensical rumors? I mean seriously—do you think a kobold is capable of the masterpiece that is this guide? Ridiculous and utterly false claims.

And can we please have all further accusatorial questions scrubbed from the interview? I find it an insulting waste of my time, not to mention the valuable time of my dear readers.

Q9: I think my kobold is defective; he wants to be dominant in bed. What do I do?

Looks like you have yourself a defective kobold. I suggest a one-way trip to your stomach as the only logical solution.

Just kidding! A dominant kobold is not a defective kobold. It disappoints me that some of you would think so. Have some imagination! Live a little!

Do you not think I don't let my kobolds take charge if they want to do so? It's not an often occurrence, but kobolds are not so mundane as to always be submissive and breedable!

In my possession, I have one particularly daring kobold. His name is Tea. I've given him this name because he enjoys waking me up with his balls slapping my snout. I in turn take this as a cue to take several deep inhales of his delicious musk. He in turn takes that as a cue to forcefully pry open my jaws and grind his mating organ against my tongue. I assume you can picture the rest of what plays out from there…

So, no, do not consider your dominant kobold as broken, and I would implore you not to attempt to “fix" them either. Instead, embrace the unknown and learn to take it up the ass. It's really not that difficult.

Q10: Aren't kobolds just glorified foot warmers?

Is this a question? A statement? A weird confession from a sociopath that my kobolds failed to vet in this questionnaire?

I'll bite at the bait anyhow. While I'm no stranger to having a kobold under each of my hindpaws while working at my desk, caring for every inch of my needy soles, I would not consider them glorified foot warmers. They are warm, yes. They are quite used to my foot stink—adore it, actually. But they aren't destined to serve under my paws. They choose to do so.

And on that subject: I must admit that there is positively nothing better than the development of trust and connection coming to full bloom with your fellow kobold. The first time one of their bodies willingly squirms underneath your hefty nuts on their own volition… Fuck, that is the best feeling.

Q11: Should I feel bad for punishing my kobolds? I need them to respect my boundaries, but I hate seeing their adorably sad faces!

Yes, this is a tricky one. I also hate to see the pathetic look my kobolds give me after some wrongdoing… and I know I previously mentioned that kobolds aren't to be treated as common pets, but in this way, you must take to training a kobold as though they are one. Stern enforcement of rules leads to less mess making, and in turn, less headache. It is better to teach manners from the very beginning.

Failure to do so leads to unruly kobolds. You do not want unruly kobolds. Let me repeat—you do not want that. It is a thing I've seen over and over: losing control of one's hoard leads to chaos the likes of which you've probably never seen. It gets ugly fast.

These little critters need discipline instilled in them. Do not be afraid to crack the whip on them (both in and out of the bedroom, you foxy devil). If you do so properly and promptly, and you'll soon have your boundaries respected and your needs fulfilled—without any worry of adorably sad lizards breaking your heart.

Q12: Kobolds never seem interested in what I have to offer. What am I doing wrong?

A variety of mistakes could be made in the process I have laid out. While I cannot be certain as to what you failed to grasp, I do have a general hunch.

Stop acting like a bumbling, babbling idiot.

The way some of you break down into a sweaty stammering mess is pitiful. Grow a pair to testes, for starters. Second, the reason it happens is because you're making it out to be something bigger than it really is. Why are you putting a kobold on a pedestal? The playing field should be even between you and your quarry; they are simply one of many kobolds out there, and you are not incapable of wooing them over.

Confidence.

It's always about that singular word. If you lack it, then you must work towards strengthening your self-image! For the betterment of you and your eventual kobold, I would highly recommend not pursuing a kobold until you can talk to them in a normal conversation without barfing up word-vomit into their face.

Q13: Can I be your kobold~?

I need to address these particular several hundred so-called questions that I've received. Sorry, but no. As much as I'd love to have more and more tongues to service my flank, and as much as you'd want to shove your snout deep under my tail, I am not a creature of infinite capabilities.

And don't think I don't know that many of you aren't even kobolds! What, did you think I wouldn't notice? The kobold onesie will not fool me… though, it does give me a few ideas about dressing up my own kobolds. Murr. Just the thought is making my sheath leak.

Let's continue to the next question before I get too riled up, shall we?

Q14: Got any interesting ways to breaking kobolds into their new roles?

This is certainly not going to help quell my arousal. Just a moment… Tulip! Master requires your immediate assistance! Ah, there you are. You know what to do. Good boy. Yes. Much better, just like that. Grrr…

I apologize beforehand if this question spirals out of control as my growing problem is dealt with. I'm sure it will turn out fine. _Hufff—_mostly fine.

For starters, I do enjoy the classic: scent marking. Much like I'm doing to my tiny Tulip here, I exert every effort towards smearing my fluids on my newest claim. Grrf. Sometimes I allow cleaning after our fun. Other times I prefer to let it dry on their body overnight. Even better is to continuously apply fresh coats by means of your moist cock flesh atop their body. My bodily waste should not go to waste, after all.

I personally am a fan of perpetually smothering my many scents into their receptors. I—mmhr—like to think it as a great way of permanently housing myself in their brain. They won't ever be forgetting my stench. Hnghhh. Why would they? It's the only scent that'll wholly satisfy them ever again. They become little addicts for huffing my unwashed musk. And I keep my bathing sparce because of so. Besides… much like my Tulip is doing now, their tongues service as a decent enough cleaning under normal circumstances.

Gwrbf. Keep at it, good boy.

And sometimes a new kobold needs to learn to rely on me as their provider. Which is why I quite like revoking their capabilities in replacement of my own. As an example, I might choose to gag their maw so that only I fill the room with a voice. Or perhaps restricting movement of their paws to where I must personally provide food and drink to satisfy their needs. My personal favorite was a breathing device that carefully provides air for a kobold to breathe—only if I breathe into it first. Nnffh, yes… there are few things more closely intimate than permitting every breath with a share of your own.

I'm close now, Tulip. Yes, just thew way you know I like… and considering that I'm about to— huffffgh—finish, I suppose I can finish this question with another favorite of mine: timeout.

Punishment can be exciting. It can also be very, very rewarding, for both me and my kobolds. Consider how awfully pent up a kobold becomes after one moment of mouthing off becomes one day in isolation, curled in on oneself in a locker not fit for such treatment, with the remaining space filled by my used articles of clothing.

Murrrhhn! I know how much that thought excites you, Tulip. Use that excitement in a productive manner; your master wants to cum down your throat. Now.

Yes… Yes! Grrraahhhhh!

…Huff…

…Good Tulip. Don't forget to clean up your master's mess.

As I was saying… keep a kobold deprived of your magnificent body for long enough, and they'll become wound up like a toy. Just do be aware of the hours it'll take to unwind; personally I find that is the most thrilling fun to have!

Q15: Aren't kobolds just wriggling, squeaky snacks?

Please remind me to educate my kobolds afterwards on proper questionnaire structuring. Particularly I must convey to them that pulling several questions that are clearly from the same source is not ideal… especially if questions from said source are rather questionable to begin with.

To answer the question: no, they're not. We're not savages anymore, so I implore us to not think as savages would. Kobolds are friends, not food.

I know what some of you are already thinking. Yes, I've mentioned vore as a subject before, and I'm not one to hold myself to a different standard than my readers. I use it as a means of discipline. I do not have an appetite for consuming my hoard, and I would caution you to not develop one yourself. It is a hard craving to beat, and a bottomless pit to satisfy. Besides that, kobolds serve much better as permanent cock warmers than as temporary belly pudge.

Q16: I think I'm falling in love with my kobold. Is this normal?

Why wouldn't it be? Are you admitting to the assumption that you'd feel nothing for a kobold that expected to devote themselves to your every need? Because, if so, then frankly I'm appalled.

Kobolds deserve love. They aren't animals. They are rather clueless at times, but they have a soul as much as you and I. Sometimes greater, from what I've experienced. They're pure, adorable little creatures that deserve praise and affection.

Yes, bend them over the bed as much as you please, but do so with some goddamn respect!

And so, to answer your question: falling in love with your fellow kobold is normal. In my professional opinion, it's expected. Treat them well and hold their heart with care. Grow that intimate bond, and you'll soon come to realize just how lucky you are to have it.

Q17: My toilet keeps backing up. Can a kobold suffice?

While I would first implore you to consider the professional opinion of a plumber… I suppose a kobold might be an adequate replacement.

I already feel a bit remorseful letting go of that particular piece of advice. Oh well, it's best to live life without regrets. Best wishes to your future porcelain stand in! And remember aftercare—the better terminology being household maintenance in this case—is an important stage of the toilet training process!

Q18: Am I doomed? I'm shorter/smaller than the average kobold.

It's amazing how many of these types of questions we got. And how utterly nonsensical they are! Whatever might one think that for? Ownership is not defined by one's stature, but by one's character!

Now, I can confirm that you are starting at a disadvantage; think of it as a few meters head start for every other competitor in the race. You have to gain ground by working harder. To cross that finish line, you must be quicker of wit, charisma, ego—anything that helps you to outpace your opponents.

So, work on your game, as the youth would say! You need to gloss over the fact that you must look up, and must convince them to do the same when looking down. You must entice them, bedazzle them, enthrall them! To deceive a kobold's mind is not a difficult task, but not exactly an easy task either, not to mention an ongoing one; let your confidence fade for a single moment, and the illusion is lost.

This isn't just for you short kings out there, either! All should heed the above advice. Know that at the end of the day, you must be genuine about your intentions of passion; a kobold has no interest in a fake.

Q19: Help! My boss is a kobold. How should I proceed?

My friend, you've hit the jackpot. You lucky dog!

Seriously, this is one opportunity you absolutely must not flounder. If done correctly, your quality of life will become substantially better in a variety of ways. First you must convince the kobold that your body is much more enticing as a daily drive than a crummy management job. Give them a taste of the better life, so to speak. Begin with subtle ways of letting them know your availability; don a flirty attitude, as well as some flirtier clothing. Find ways to include your scent in their daily routine. That's funny—now their lunch hour conveniently lines up with your own!

Once you get a hook on them, you've got some quick reeling to do. More important than that, a brand-new position just opened at your company! It seems a perfect opportunity to slip right into the vacant seat, especially since you've been keenly watching the kobold's workload for the past while, so you should be able to convince the higher ups that you're the perfect fit!

Now that you've pulled the ultimate bait and switch, enjoy the fruits of your labor! Give yourself a pat on the back in the cushy chair of your new office, and a pat on the head of the kobold sucking you off underneath your desk. I also might go so far as to suggest that, as the new boss of your branch, you might have to call an improvised meeting with all kobold subordinates…

Q20: JAKE HALOS IS A KOBOLD IT'S A TRICK IT'S KOBOLD PROPAGANDA DON'T LISTEN—

—And would you look at that! All twenty questions answered. How quickly the good times can roll by without one noticing!

But, unfortunately this leads us to the conclusion of the guide. There are certainly more words that could be shared. More examples drawn out into play-by-play fashion. More advice that lingers on the tip of my tongue after every session recorded.

Yet, knowledge passed from teacher to pupil only prepares you to go so far. To make the final leap, faith must be endowed in oneself that they will not fall. Do not worry of failure so much that you never try! And if you do fail, know that you are not alone. Failure is the foundation in which each success is built upon.

…Personally, I've never faced any failure beyond at times getting a bit too vigorous in bed with a partner, but the quote sounds awfully clever nonetheless!

The last piece of information I want to leave you with is the core intention of my guide—it's written in the very title! The wording in particular is especially important; I did not state that this was an instructive guide to “owning" your fellow kobold, nor did I specify words “taming", “fucking", “collecting", or any other derivative.

“Understanding".

That is the objective I hoped to achieve. I want you to understand, so that you may recognize their needs as much as your own. That is my one true, unspoken goal. To make kobolds feel understood. And that, my dearest reader, ends with a final farewell from me… and begins with a new perspective from you.

Best of luck with understanding your fellow kobold.