Departure
Imported from SF2 with no description provided.
I woke up in the soft light of the early morning. As I stood up, feeling my paws against the hardwood, I checked my phone. It was barely past dawn, fragile rays of pinkish light washing over the dewy grass outside my window. My mind was on autopilot - I needed to go take a piss and then get back to sleep. My feline instincts let me walk silently through the hallway as I approached the washroom. I saw that someone had been tending to a wound, the reek of alcohol still barely clinging to the air. In the corner of my eye I swore I saw motion, stirring me from my dreary path and forcing me to wake up. I rubbed my eyes, shutting their yellowish night glow away for a moment. I took stock of what I saw for a moment, considering whether I should intervene. Ryan was hunched up on the couch, face buried in his hands. His white bathrobe was softly lit by the light of daybreak, making me wonder how long he'd been there. I stepped closer to the weeping human, forcing my steps to be clunky so I wouldn't startle him.
"Are you okay?" I sat down next to him, allowing him ample space to himself. He brushed over his eyes with the back of his hand, wetting his skin with a thin film of gleaming tears. He didn't look directly at me, instead staring just past my shoulder in an attempt to hide his state. Although he clearly thought he was a mess, he still looked beautiful to me. I didn't say anything, of course.
"Yeah, It's nothing. Sorry, did I wake you up?" I didn't humour his lies for a moment - clearly he wasn't doing well.
"You can talk to me, Ryan. About anything." His face reddened slightly, his eyes finally meeting mine. He looked me over for a moment, analyzing my sincerity and mulling everything over. His posture opened slightly, and I could tell that he was willing to speak.
"I never really talked about why I'm moving here, did I?" His face had a strange smile on it - remembering something beloved yet sad. I shook my head no, trying to seem receptive.
"It's because of my old boyfriend." Suddenly, he looked constipated. "He died. Car crash."
My ears perked up, my heart starting to race. I couldn't stand seeing him this way, but I tried not to be selfish.
"I'm so sorry." The words didn't feel like enough. I placed a paw on his knee, giving it an empathetic squeeze. I wasn't sure how, but somehow that elicited a teary smile from his somber face.
"We broke up a long time ago. We weren't even on good terms - I kept telling myself I hated him." He laughed, but there wasn't any happiness in his voice. "Fucking idiot, I am."
I didn't know what to say. I just wanted to wrap my arms around him, try to patch the hole in his heart, but I didn't know if I was big enough. Instead, I let him talk.
"But after the accident, everything started to remind me of him again. I loved him so much. The first few weeks were really hard, but what hurt the most was realizing that the pain wasn't going away. I wanted to be with him again, but all I could do was try to forget. So, a few months in, I decided I had to go. I just went to the airport, and flew away."
He sniffled. Before I could speak, he started talking again.
"And now, I fucked up again." As his voice trailed upward he pressed his head into the couch back, denting the cool leather as he tried to sink away into it.
"How so?" I asked, careful not to be too forthcoming. He smiled again, but it was more muted than last time. He was angry, but not at me.
"Sam."
The air was still for what felt like minutes, Ryan rubbing his eyes and trying to recluse into his seat. I didn't want to press too hard, so I waited. Eventually, he started talking again.
"Isaac," he began, "my last boyfriend, was a gecko. And I got on the plane. And I saw Sam. And he just felt... The same." He ringed his index and thumb finger in the air, leaving a little gap between the fingertips. "Just different enough that I could pretend that I wasn't just trying to replace him."
I tried to comprehend what he was saying for a few seconds, eventually feeling it crash over me.
"Oh." I felt stupid at my outburst.
"Yeah, tell me about it." He scratched his head, pulling his knees up to his chest and wrapping his arms around them.
"He told me he loved me."
"And you..." I faltered, "You don't."
Ryan shook his head, a look of distress plastering his face. His weepy breaths crackled in the moonlight like a campfire, the living room a little island. I inhaled slowly, feeling the stupid anesthetic of love clamping on my heart. Love - that word - I didn't even want to think it, but it was everywhere, it was everything.
"It's not your fault."
I was blushing now, hot underneath my glistening fur. I pretended to be strong, slipping my paw beneath the human's hand.
"You're going to get through this. Sam's strong, too - he can handle this."
I felt the panther's paw cradling my hand. It was so real, so solid against my skin. I'd touched Teon before, fleeting scrapes, parting handshakes, a rare friendly hug, but this was different somehow. His leathery black pawpads were pressing on my soft skin because he was there for me. His words were like soft cloth dabbing my salty eyes, although my tears hardly faltered.
Those burning yellow eyes glowed in the moonlight, his slit pupils glaring down into my circles. I forced a smile to the cat as he held my hand, gently pressuring over my digits.
"I haven't even told you the worst part yet, either." His ears perked up a little bit, concern showing. I'd long lost control of my words, my mind crying mutiny to my tongue.
I glared up at the feline, admiring the moonlight faintly reflecting off his sleek black fur. He was so different from Isaac - certainly, he was no lizard - but he had that same spark in his eyes that had once swept me off my feet. The same kindness, the same way of looking at the world, but a different man. A new start. I pulled his hand closer to my chest, watching his frozen head stoop down in tandem. I reached out to grab his other paw as I closed my eyes, shutting out the sight of the stunned panther as I pressed my lips to his. I knew that I was just making things worse, but I was drunk on self hatred and longing. God, did his lips feel good. I felt like I was floating - just for a moment - but then the cat jumped back, staring at me in shock.
"Ryan-" he stammered. "We can't."
I wasn't ready to hear that - moments ago, I could have sworn he was flirting with me.
"What?" I blurted out, a little louder than I'd intended. I was angry, somehow. I needed this more than I thought, apparently. The cat tore his gaze from me, lip quivering. His paw stayed in my hand, but it too shook.
"I've been Sam's close friend for years, Ryan. This... affair, it would break his heart. I don't even know how to process this."
I let go of his leathery palms.
"Sure," I replied in a cold, absent tone.
I brought myself to my feet, drawing in stuttered breaths and holding back tears. I faced the window opposite Teon, staring at the fading stars of dusk. I wanted to look back at the panther, but my body was stone. I paused, ruffling my hair in the orange morning sun.
"I know that this was stupid. I just feel so empty." I stepped forward, turning around the couch and heading back to my - or, actually, Sam's bedroom, wiping tears from my reddened eyes with the back of my hand as I snuck in. I slipped back under the covers, staring at the crocodile next to me. And I noticed all the ways that he wasn't Isaac. And I noticed that the creeping daylight felt cold.
I woke up on the couch hours later. The fur under my eyes was crusted with old salt, and somehow my heart was still beating fast. I heard a sharp clank in the kitchen behind me before I smelled the human and crocodile, causing me to jump up and making my sooty fur stand on end. I sat up and watched the two interact, silently observing. Sam stood behind Ryan's stool, hands on the smaller man's shoulders as he fiddled with his phone.
"You hungry, hon?" Sam asked. Ryan didn't look up.
"No."
Hesitation was crisp in the air, and I could practically smell Ryan's anxiousness. Sam was clearly taken aback by the starchily distant reply, pausing for a moment before polling the other's mind again.
"Are you working today?"
There was a cheeriness in his voice, hoping to rectify the tension. He seemed satisfied when Ryan summoned a polite reply, quelling the emotion in his voice for a moment and trying to be empathetic. A toothy smile grew on Sam's face, his words silky as he leaned down and nibbled gently at Ryan's ear.
"Well, I'm glad you don't have to be a systems... A computer nerd, today."
Ryan scowled, but it was out of Sam's sight.
"Maybe we can work up an appetite for breakfast, then."
Ryan put his phone into his pocket, pulling away from Sam's attentions. He turned to face him, a sickened look on his face.
"Sam, this isn't working."
Fuck. Ryan could be pretty blunt at times, and this was no exception. I felt my heart pounding in my chest, feeling a horrific stew of empathy and fear brewing in my core.
"What?"
Sam's jaw was ajar, clearly worried and shocked by the sudden exclamation. Ryan forced himself to look at his terrified lover, tears starting to well in the human's eyes.
"I'm so sorry. I want to so much, but no matter how hard I try..."
Ryan gagged on his words, feeling his heart hammering in his throat.
"I just don't feel anything."
"Ryan, this isn't funny."
Sam, too, was crying. His black eyes were glazed in tears, his tail limply drooping against the floor. The human didn't reply, instead shooting the crocodile a somber look that made it clear he wasn't kidding.
"Is this about last night? I'm sorry, I knew I hurt you more than you let on!"
"No, Sam, it's not about you. You were perfect." Sam crumpled down to the ground, his knees against his chest. Ryan slumped over the countertop as the two wept, soon continuing his monologue.
"The truth is, I think a little piece of me is dead. Or something. I just feel so empty inside."
I looked away from the two, taking the opportunity to sprint back to my room. Being a feline had perks, and they didn't notice me fleeing. I listened in to the whole conversation - the story Ryan had told me only hours before, about his old boyfriend. Sam didn't get angry. Somehow, that made it harder to listen to. The hulking crocodile just asked questions, trying to figure out how much of their time together had been spoiled by what he would certainly perceive as his insufficiency.
The tears slowly quieted, the weepy address coming to a close after an hour or so. The rest of the day was weird. Ryan packed his things. Sam watched. They both cried every now and then. I poked my head from my room, watching Ryan look the house over one last time, eventually settling his eyes on Sam, who stood before him.
They hugged. He got into his taxi. Headed to his hotel. Then, as fast as he had entered my life, Ryan left it.
I wasn't proud of it, but I regretted not just making love to him that strange morning.
Alright, I like where this story is going (although it's a little turbulent). I'm back from vacation, so I'll be back on schedule for a while. This story was planned to have sex, but it took a turn to be more plot focussed - sorry if that's what you're here for. As a final note, I wrote this on my phone on a plane - It's pretty likely I'll have more typos than usual in this one. My apologies! I hope you enjoy it regardless.