The Quest for the Holy Dildo #18
#21 of Holy Dildo
Angelic Cumpulsive Masturbatory Syndrome
...and how to prevent it.
This rare condition afflicts .000001% of the male population of Tamriel and is characterized by repeated and prolonged self-stimulation of the genitals. It's causes are officially unknown, but some have claimed it is caused by the ingestion of certain bodily fluids from extra-dimensional creatures from other universes. These proponents claim even a small amount can cause this syndrome to manifest. Inducement to vomiting is not recommended as the active agent appears to be more psychological than physical.
The condition is technically untreatable, though some relief has been noted by application of the patient's mouth to particularly nubile female genitals. However, that can be problematic as said females are not typically attracted to males afflicted with this condition who are actively whacking off, and such activity tends to show an inverse relationship between vigourousness and proximity to said nubile females. Raincoats are recommended.
The syndrome is known only to have occurred in un-paired heterosexual males, though this may only be due to the rarity of the triggering mechanism. Alternate methods of treatment include partial lobotomy and castration, though we in no way condone such practices. If the patient appears to be able to with-strain his urges long enough to otherwise function normally, it seems the best course is to keep them comfortable until the symptoms run their course in a few days.
| They found Arngeir in the meeting room seated with Einarth. At their entrance, both Greybeards rose.
"Welcome back, friends," Arngeir greeted them. "Did you meet with Paarthurnax?"
"Oh yes. He flew me down to find the dildo! He's very nice!"
"He... you_flew_ on him?!??" Einarth asked, incredulous.
"Well, just me. He didn't seem to like Sampson or Devilah much," Faniel admitted, then looked at Devilah. "Well, not in that way."
Einarth looked at Arngeir who shrugged. "The Way of the Master is not one we should question." |
| "If we might stay one more night, Arngeir, we will leave at first light," Devilah declared.
"A friend of Paarthurnax we could not deny. But I'm not sure if we should resume your 'show' tonight. One of our number has developed a problem."
"Oh? Not Borri?" Devilah asked, suddenly concerned.
"No. He is tending to Wulfgar now. But I am afraid Wulfgar seems to... well, he has lost his sanity, and we think your 'show' had something to do with it. Understand, we don't blame you, but you must understand that it is something we weren't truly prepared for."
"Oh Arngeir! I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to cause any problems!!!" Devilah said sincerely. |
| "You couldn't have known it would do this to Wulfgar. But since last night he... well, we can't keep him from touching himself to be blunt."
"Oh God! Arngeir, can I help somehow?"
"We really don't have any experience with this sort of thing, Devilah. Your presence might send him further down the abyss his mind is in."
"Or it might not," Faniel interjected. "Please, if we caused this thing, let us try to help!" |
| Arngeir looked to Einarth, who admitted, "Nothing we've done seems to help, Arngeir. I don't see how it could hurt."
Arngeir nodded. "Alright. Let's be cautious though."
They followed Arngeir down the hall to where Borri was watching over the stricken Greybeard.
"He's sleeping now," Borri whispered. "But when he wakes up he'll be back at himself again."
"Let me wake him," Devilah said and she knelt gently beside the inert form. |
| "Wulfgar? Wulfgar, it's Devilah," she said, gently stroking his forehead.
The old man's eyes slid open as he looked at her feline face, his hands straying as if on their own towards his groin, but Devilah stopped them and held them.
"No Wulfgar, you've had enough of that. Can you talk?"
But his hands struggled to free themselves and he soon shook them loose and resumed his self-manipulation.
Devilah looked up at Sampson and Arngeir with desperation in her eyes. "I'm sorry! I... I didn't know this could happen!"
"Devilah," Faniel said in a tone of voice they'd not heard her use before. A tone of command. "Step away. You are not the cause of this." |
| "I'm not?"
"No, Devilah. I am."
Devilah stood up and let Faniel take over.
"Wulfgar. Stop this," Faniel said with that note of command still in her voice.
Immediately his eyes darted to Faniel and locked there, his hands ceasing their movement.
The angel knelt beside Wolfgar and touched his head at which point he relaxed and lay back, looking at her intensely. "Angel! You're back!"
Faniel sighed. "Yes. You were watching me last night, weren't you?"
Wulfgar nodded.
Faniel closed her eyes for a moment, then reopened them. |
| "I am sorry for all this. This is my fault. Wulfgar experienced something he should not have."
"What? Experienced what?" Borri asked.
"That isn't important. It won't happen again. He is better now."
They looked back to Wulfgar who was now sitting up. "What? What happened?" he asked to those around him.
"You don't remember?" Arngeir asked, incredulous.
"Remember what?"
"Arngeir, there is no need to pursue this further. He is well and I am shamed. Is not that enough?" Faniel said, not looking at him. |
| "It is enough. Thank you Faniel. Our members are too few to lose even one. But... perhaps it might be best to forego your show tonight Devilah?"
"Of course, of course," Devilah replied with no hesitation.
"And now, Arngeir, have you a bath? It's been a long day and we could use it," Faniel asked.
"Certainly. Follow me. It's in a basement."
As Faniel turned to follow Arngeir, she looked back to Sampson and Devilah. "Sampson? Devilah? Are coming?"
Soon all four were in a small underground room but with an oversized hot tub in the center.
Arngeir pointed out, "I'm afraid there's only one tub, though it's a large one."
"Oh, that'll be fine," Sampson said, "Perhaps you might have some soap too?"
"Certainly. It's right there in that basket beside the tub. I'll leave you in peace. And thank you again Faniel. I'm sorry we had to cancel your show though Devilah. Honestly, Borri and I were quite looking forward to it!" |
| "Clever," Sampson was saying as he examined the spigot that allowed cold water from the roof to flow into the tub and the drain that led dirty water back outside while the water in the tub stayed warm from an unseen fire.
"Where I came from that would have been considered crude, Sampson. They had a way to bring hot water in through something similar, as well as cold!" Devilah said as she finished washing her fur."
"I don't know about you two, but I feel like a new man! I wish I could take a bath like this every week!"
Devilah muttered something under her breath, but Sampson didn't catch it.
"So... what did happen to Wulfgar, Faniel?" |
| "After you two left last night, I couldn't help myself. I... well, you know."
"And just seeing you do that drove him crazy?" Sampson asked.
"I suspect it was more than just watching me. I think he tasted angel nectar."
"Angel what?" Sampson asked, but Devilah picked up on it immediately.
"And that drives men mad?"
"It's more like a powerful aphrodisiac to some men. Single men. But it was my fault. I shouldn't have done that. But what is done is done. He has forgotten it now. Dwelling on past mistakes is never helpful. It won't happen again." |
| Briefly, Faniel looked away ashamed, but soon she recovered her normal attitude, "Now, about shaving my pussy..."
Sampson looked at Faniel, "It's not going to drive me mad is it?"
"No Sampson," she assured him. "You're in love. As long as you don't lick me, you should be fine."
"Oh! Well, thank heaven for that! And... you really don't mind Dev?"
"Sampson, when will you learn? - I'm really not capable of feeling jealous over sex like that. The only thing I'm jealous of is that she wants you to do it instead of me!" |