M&J Pt.7 Josh interlude
In love , it's a crazy place to be , it changes more than anything. It's the best feeling in the world but it takes so much to keep it right. Mason and I clicked like a puzzle and there was never any doubt that we loved one another. But we weren't keeping ourselves safe. We let what we had with each other lead us down a road till we met a dead end. We gave into one another and forgot reality. I gave him a bag of weed, but that was the dead end.
There were signs leading up to the wall that I let myself look past , that I said I wouldn't look on to , but I should have. The day he and his dad cut ties was the day he started to fall and because I loved him I fell with him when I knew I should have pulled us up. He was so sure that everything would be OK. It was so easy to believe everything would work out because we were both there to reassure one another on something neither of us was sure of. He lost his apartment, he couldn't keep a job , and he always smoked but after things with his dad he used more than what was safe. I didn't want him on the streets so I moved in with him. He couldn't keep a job so I got one and even went so far as to ask my parents for money. And the one line I tried to keep him from crossing became another line I gave him permission to cross because I couldn't stand to see him suffering so unhappy and angry. If only I'd stopped us, if only I looked away from his eyes and at the road we walked maybe then things would have been different.
But what ifs don't help the situation when you can't go back in time.
Our problems weren't entirely Masons fault. Where I enabled him to get worse I think it's fair to say he gave into my craving for things to escalate. I always wanted more and he was right there ready to give it to me, even when I didn't know what "it" was. He was homeless but I don't think he asked to move in together for himself, he saw good we were together and moving in was just a natural progression. It was too fast. I would do it all again but only if we could do it slower. I swear it was like being on a roller-coaster always on a nose dive. The sex , the love , the conversation was enough to make me forget what I should have been anticipating.
But seeing him in that hospital bed was a wake up call. I was gonna always love him or not at all . If I let us keep going down the river we would surely drown so I had to make things right. We already had to deal with separation and his father, but I'd have to work enough to keep our apartment on my own and school was going to be back shortly. We needed to step back . But was I willing to make the move necessary to keep us from going under, or would my next action be the one to sink the relationship.