The Wolves of Gryning: Chapter 20
Chapter 20: Love and Desire
"Do you need another pillow?"
Tehlina held the plump cushion towards the aging Grehn, but he shook his hands.
"I'm comfortable enough," he said, but the response made Tehlina frown. She put her hands on her hips and sighed.
"Can't I do anything for you? It's not easy for you to get around."
"Don't coddle me, I can get around fine."
"At least let me open your windows. It's a lovely morning out."
She didn't wait for a reply. Tehlina let the light in, pulling the drapes with one hand, bundling them, then tugging a little rope around them with the other hand, tying them together away from the window.
"So?" she asked. "What do you make of it?"
"So... Indeed. So what?"
"If there's anybeast whose opinion I trust, Grehn, it's yours. Tell me what you think."
"Does my opinion mean anything? Pray tell, girl, are your dreams normally like this? I think you can figure this answer out on your own. Take me, for example. I'm just a common wolf. And we common wolves dream of common things; things like love, companionship, of being fed and happy. Or sometimes we even dream of the banal. I've had dreams where I was lecturing pupils, and woke to find I was asleep at the podium!"
He chuckled, but Tehlina snorted off his reply.
"Do you never have bad dreams, then?" she asked.
"Yes of course, girl. Not every dream can be golden. But even then the fears we dream of are common fears. Fear of famine, fear of sickness, fear of attack; we feat the very things that we build civilizations to avoid. And still these are common fears. Everybeast knows fear of the dark, and of death, and most of all the fear of the unknown. But unknown is all we are - all anything ever is. If your dreams now are of the unknown, but made known to you, something may be worth reconsidering."
"You speak in too many riddles, Grehn."
"You understood me anyways, didn't you?"
"I always do," Tehlina smiled but felt annoyed. He hadn't given her the answer she'd wanted. If what he was saying was true, then there really was something to her dreams. She didn't want to consider that, or think about what they could mean. The priestess unlatched the glass and pushed the heavy panes outward. The hinges groaned and stuck, the window only half open.
"When was the last time these were oiled?" she asked. But when Tehlina looked up, Grehn was unmoving.
"Grehn?"
She looked around, the world frozen. And before her eyes reality took on a quality like an oil painting. Even her arms and nose that she could look down and see looked brushed and scraped and painted into place. The sky melted and turned into a glimmering pool that dripped down, out between the clouds and through the open window. It came up to her ankles, filling the chamber like water, till she was knee deep in the liquid. It shimmered and opened in front of her, and from the split in the water rose a figure like a deadbeast; arms splayed outward and outwardly rotting, jaw a loose parody of a broken chandelier; and then flames consumed the deadbeast and she closed her eyes, falling. Just before she awoke, she thought she saw a shifting figure made of light. It seemed to be nobeast at all, and everybeast at once. It was a wolf, and it was not a wolf. It was a bat, a rat, a fox, a deer, a skunk; it became like a flock of birds in the air and like a school of fish in the sea. And then it was a tall beast without form or face or shape but radiating light outwards. She heard a voice inside her head.
Follow the light.
Then she opened her eyes and ears.
"Are you all right?"
She heard Grehn speaking, felt his hand tugging hers and when she sat up she could see that she'd fallen slumping against the drapes.
"I... I think so."
Tehlina touched her head and face, checking for bruised spots, but felt okay.
"What happened?" Grehn asked. "Was it another vision?"
"Y-Yes. I think so - How did you know? - Did you see it too?"
"Calm down, calm down. It's okay. No, I didn't see anything."
"Well then don't tell me to calm down. You didn't see the things I just did."
"And what exactly was it that you saw, girl?"
"I don't exactly know."
She pouted because it was true. She didn't know what the vision could have meant. But the remembrance of it brought a fresh chill to her spine.
"What happens when even death dies?" she asked.
"My girl, death can never die."
"Maybe it never will," she said. She looked out the window into the early morning sky. "Maybe it already has."
"I know you're there," Nashil said.
She stood in the royal gardens, dressed in a heavy wrap of bright green. A wind was blowing harshly in from over the sea, chilling the night.
"Fall is fast approaching, and the outside world will pass away into its yearly time of dying. The change always saddens me," Besegrare said. His voice had taken on a rougher edge, but it rumbled quiet and soothing.
"What's so sad about dying to you who's seen so much of it?"
"I've seen no more than anybeast should expect to see."
"Then you should know that death always brings new life."
Besegrare trudged up the little dirt path that separated him from Nashil. He stood next to her, looking at the grand display of flower bushes before them. The little orange flowers looked like tongues of flame crackling along the top of the bush. Besegrare reached out and plucked a blossom, holding it between his gloved fingers.
"Brightroot," he said. "The flowers are beautiful, but bitter and poison. They're liable to kill anyone who eats them. And yet we wolves figured out to dry them, till their poison disappears, and to brew tea with their leaves. What do you make of that?"
"It says something about the nature of our species," Nashil spoke with an edge of caution. "It's pointless to try to stand in the way of a wolf. The will of the wolf is law."
"And my will?"
"There's nobeast who'd oppose you."
"Not even you?"
"I don't know about that."
Besegrare handed the flower to her, but she would not accept it. He held it a moment longer, then crushed it in his palm. He spoke with a heavy heart.
"Do you really hate me?" he asked.
"You've got some nerve, asking a thing like that."
"If you hate me, tell me to go away."
"I won't do it."
"Then don't you hate me?"
"I don't hate you, but I don't love you either. I never did."
"But you said -"
"I know what I said. A girl can say a lot of things that she doesn't mean."
"Didn't you ever mean it?"
"I'm sorry. That doesn't matter now."
"Is it about Valdigt?" Besegrare asked, and both of them felt their hearts skip a beat. Neither of them had said the name aloud since she'd left. "Are you waiting on her to come back?"
"She could be dead," Nashil laughed, a dry wicked laugh from deep inside. "Why do you care? You're the one who sent her away."
"I wanted to be near to you."
"I wanted her. Nothing you can do now will make me love you. Not the way I loved her. All you've got is wealth, and fame - Well maybe I never wanted it. I'm a commoner, after all. What use would I be to you in a few weeks? Nor will I be your concubine. I thank you for trying to take care of me, if nothing else. But that's not enough."
Nashil drew a sharp breath and held it, walking to the nearby bench and sitting, exhaling, crossing her legs and tucking her tail behind her. She re-wrapped herself in the bundle of fabric.
"I have something to tell you," she said.
"Of course," Besegrare walked over to the bench but stood in front of her. He looked down between the high fabric collar of his cloak, rimmed all in black, the front open and revealing his green robes. The cloak was stiff and held firm against the wind, but beneath his silver crown his fur ruffled in the air.
"It's about me. And I'm not telling you because I want your input. I'm just telling you because I think you should hear it."
"Okay."
"I-I'm going to..." the words caught in her throat, and she coughed. Nashil folded her hands and shook herself, as if she had to convince herself to say what she had to say, and her face screwed up with a clear discomfort.
" Well," she said, "I'm pregnant."
"Pregnant?"
"The king produces an heir," she said, but there was a sneer in her voice. "Oh, Bes. I don't know that I should blame you for this."
"Tell me that I'm a monster. I can be held responsible for my own actions."
"Is it your fault though? I didn't have to do anything I didn't want to."
"You didn't want to rear a pup."
"No. And I didn't want Valdigt to leave. But when she did, I didn't want to be alone either."
"I am sorry. Truly."
"I have half a mind not to let you see it, either. I could take the pup and leave you."
"Is that what you want?"
"I don't know how far I could get, if you'd even let me."
"Is it what you really want, though? If it was, I would let you. You have my word."
"What's the alternative? I won't be your concubine. Royalty or not, I have standards, and I won't stoop to being an object of pleasure," Nashil put her head in her hands and groaned. "I can't go back to Valdigt like this, either. What's she going to say about a pup? Let alone a bastard of the king. By ashes, I don't know what I'm going to do."
"You won't have to worry about any of it if you don't want to. I can provide food, shelter, protection - whatever the pup needs it will receive. As will you. You won't have to worry about what you'll do or where you'll go. Gryning can be your home."
"What are you talking about?"
"Is it too much if I asked you to marry me?"
"You're joking."
"No, never. You could be queen, the pup could be our heir. Everything will be taken care of for the both of you, as long as you both live. Even after I die you would be cared for, loved; you would help rule over all of the wolves."
"So this is your master plan, is it? Get me pregnant so you can force me to marry you."
"I have made no decisions for you."
"You made this decision for me," she grabbed her abdomen, frantic, then shook her head. "Ashes, Bes. I'm sorry. I'm not trying to blame you, really. It's just - what can I do?"
"I won't decide for you," Besegrare said. "I've asked you to marry me, and if you do, you know what you will get. If not, I will pursue you no further. What happens next will be entirely up to you - even if you choose not to rear the pup at all. I will pay for the pup's well-being no matter who raises it or where it lives. You won't have to worry about it's upbringing if you don't want to. I can find it a home here in Gryning; perhaps it could live in the monasteries of Himmel? I could even have it sent to Brand, or the sanctuary Twilla. Do you understand what I'm telling you? I will do whatever I can to rectify this situation for you. If you wanted to leave the pup and live with Valdigt, I would not only allow it, but I would have it cared for."
She thought about what he said while the wind died; the trees settled with long, low creaks, and the salt smell fell to the floor. The cloying perfumes of the garden began to drift heavy through the air, filling their nostrils with their floral hue.
"You've promised me all this," she said, "But your wish, first and foremost, is that I marry you?"
"First and foremost," he said, and he fell to his knees. "I would not blame you if you didn't. But my greatest wish is to have you be my queen."
"And this marriage is for love?"
"For love, and only love."
"It has nothing to do with having an heir?"
"For love, and only love," he repeated. He took her hand and kissed it.
"What if I agreed to marry you," she said, "But then wanted the pup sent away?"
"Then it would be done. I don't need an heir. I only need you."
"All right," she said, rising. "Let me think about this. I don't hate you, Bes. But oh, you make my life so damn hard sometimes!"
Nashil glided away between flower bushes, the brightroot blazing a trail behind her. The winds were revived by her departure and swept her on, quickened her footsteps out of the garden and leaves and into the keep.