Ch. 74
#81 of True Confessions of a Trainer
Trainer (OT)
To be honest, I didn't remember disembarking by the time I walked along the beach. I'd put from my mind the cruise ship for the moment, and just took in the feel of the sand beneath my feet. My heavy boots seemed oddly out of place, and so I hung them from their laces on my bag. Claire and Tempest strolled beside me, and for once, Claire didn't seem to mind the thought of dirt and water in her fur.
I'd had nothing but fresh air aboard the ship, but this was different still. The perfume of flowers, and nearby grasses. The sound of waves lapping at the shore, and children playing near the water's edge. The people I passed by didn't stare, exactly, but took the time to greet me as I passed, and before long I found myself responding in kind. Alola. Felt kind of fun to say. Mostly I was just glad that they all seemed warm and friendly.
It was warm, not unpleasantly so, but the humidity made sure my shirt stuck to me within the hour, and Tempest graciously volunteered to carry the pack again. So, shrugging it off, I stripped free of the offending fabric, and draped it around my neck. It wasn't the first time this week I'd strolled around half bare, and it attracted no undue attention here, but I'd definitely need some lighter clothes before long.
Taking in the local sights, there were a lot of trainers out and about with their own partners, from kids getting their first battles in to old timers resting on benches and chatting with their pokemon while the day spun on. The thing that struck me though was the tempo. Nobody was too frantic.
When I settled in for a break and a snack, the cart vendor laughed as I brought it up. "Oh, yeah, we're all on island time!" He said cheerfully, reaching out to pet the head of a tiny, cheerfully singing bird. Pikipek, he called it. "Kidding, kidding." He added as he threw in a couple of big, sweet buns to the sandwich order Claire and Tempest had agreed on. "There's not a lot going on to hurry over, and how could anyone bring themselves to miss such a beautiful day, right? Kick back, put your feet up, take it all in. The weather's perfect today for a bite and a malasada! Welcome to Alola, brother!"
It was good advice. So we found a spot in the shade and did exactly that. Took it all in. From the park we were at, we observed a running track getting good use, a couple of teenagers apparently working on a baton race alongside their pokemon, and someone setting up hurdles in the far lane. Some people taking photographs of their pokemon amid the grass and flowers, over animated conversation. The birdsong in the air, and the occasional rattling from the trees. More pikipek, I gathered.
Nothing that needed me to hurry over, and the sandwiches we'd bought were honestly good enough to savor.
Today was a bright and shining day, full of opportunity, why would anyone want to rush through it?
Tempest (OT's Lycanroc)
This. This was what I needed. What I needed to see. What I needed to feel. The way he smiled, the way he took in the sights and smiled. He hadn't done that in so long I had almost forgotten he could smile like that. We were all waiting for it. I felt a little sad that it was just Claire and I, but I could fix that quickly enough. After all, I had the bag.
Mira all but tackled him immediately, wrapping him up and nuzzling frantically against him until he couldn't contain his laughter. A few people looked up, but all they had to offer were friendly smiles and a few animated words between themselves. Cocoa was only slightly more reserved, a peck on the cheek before she winked and stole half of his sandwich. He didn't protest, just gave her a pat atop her head and hefted Mira up to his shoulder, where she settled herself with a few lazy looking loops of her ribbons down his arms.
Helena just stretched and sighed, at least, that's what she was pretending to do. Her heavy paws splayed out, horn dipped down toward the ground. Rump raised high, and just the slightest glance behind her, to where master was appreciating the view. Then she stood up and grinned, clearly relieved to be off the ship, in her own way. At least until Sybil annoyed her by hopping up on her shoulders, and blowing master a kiss with a wicked wink. Clearly she didn't care much for subtlety, the way she licked her lips and leaned in. I could tell from her posture Helena had debated throwing the weavile, but it seemed the peace of the day was going to hold.
Penance whined at the scent of food now devoured, and huffed at master for not saving a bite, but it was good natured, a playful nip at his fingers before she leaned in for a scratch behind her ear. And it was with all of us in tow that I finally did what we should have done an hour ago, and handed him his tablet.
Claire nuzzled against me, as we looked on at him. Watched him hold it for the first time since he threw it into the bag leaving the sanctuary. It would be a few minutes before the batteries charged enough to power up, but the sun was bright and he wasn't hiding it away.
We weren't hiding away anymore. We might go to ground to pick the stage, but we weren't cowering, and that was a good change of pace. It didn't suit him. Didn't suit any of us.
Wendy
His message was already the best part of my morning, no matter what. I answered before the third beep, and there he was, a little more tanned than I remembered, bare shoulders soaking up the sunshine, and the easy smile of someone who had been sleeping well. It was better than I could have hoped for.
Alola. So far away. Mountains and an ocean alike between us. Further every day. For now. I had more to do, further to go. But we both knew I'd be by his side before long. We both had introductions to make. An unfamiliar weavile seemed to size me up through the screen, and flashed a hint of fang that almost felt like it could have been welcome, or threat. Penance couldn't stop wagging, almost knocking Mira off her lofty perch in an effort to fit her whole face in the picture. It was good to see her, and I know I teared up at how happy she was.
I was surprised that he could understand my pokemon through a video call. I'd assumed he needed to be near them, but that wasn't the case. I envied it, almost enough to scream. I still struggled, and we'd more than once reduced ourselves to a horrible and awkward game of charades to get me to understand what they needed. Ugh. At least I'd be able to call him now, let him play translator for me.
Rein was as chipper and cheerful as always, acknowledging his questions with her tiny little voice. I was a little worried about Sprinter, but he'd behaved himself, for all he clearly didn't deny 'taking good care of me', one hand not so subtly sneaking along my side, although he didn't let it go too high.
"Oh, wow!"... Yeah, that was the response I was looking for when I introduced Nova! The little dratini playfully winding between my hands, more distracted by our game than the introduction I was trying to make. Still, there was at least an acknowledgement before the play was more important than our friends. I'd take what I could get.
It was great to see him, to just spend a while talking and catching up. I didn't even mind that he had warm and sunny while I was riding out a downpour in my tent. We were all on that beach, as far as I was concerned. But I was going to train, myself and my team. We all needed it, and I was going to make sure we didn't drag him down when we were truly beside him again.
I wasn't at his level yet, maybe I'd never quite reach it, but I wasn't going to be a woman he needed to distract himself protecting. I wouldn't have that.
So when the call was finished, it was back to basics. A workout, stretching, and if the rain lightened up, I'd get Sprinter out in the mud, and we'd make the most of the bad footing. Who cared about the dirt? I was a ranch girl at heart. Buckles, or badges, it was the same thing in the end. Maybe a bit more rough and tumble than a barrel race.
Speaking of, I bet Stacky would enjoy bein' put through the paces again. We'd have to find a spot once it cleared up out. Wasn't gonna risk his legs over the idea. Besides, I could do with makin' sure he hadn't lost a step yet. That agility mighta been what saved my ass, tomorrow!
Besides. I'd begun to figure maybe he oughta earn the pleasure he was askin' of me a little more. I wasn't about to have a spoiled brat, an' he was startin' to get a little close to the mark.
Helena (OT's Absol)
Fucking right, I was going to be the first one of us to get a fight in! Couple of young lovers at the beach, the man thought he'd impress his date, and challenged us. He thought he really had something special, bringing out his marowak. Like the fire or the club was going to intimidate me. I watched the trainer flinch as I caught the first strike with my horn, and snarled right in his marowak's face. He wasn't so quick to come back, so I went to him instead. The fire didn't bother me too much, I'd had worse. He got a few teeth in his leg for the trouble, and we traded off a few blows before he decided he didn't want any more.
Of course the trainer's girlfriend was insulted, and tossed out her own pokemon, to which I started laughing so hard I almost wet myself.
Was that. An ice cream cone? And here I thought magnemites had a rought lot in life!
Arceus, but WOW. Of course my laughter didn't help matters, and with a stamp of her foot the trainer called out for it to throw ice at me. Fucker, maybe it would've hurt to been hit with one, or maybe I'd have just died laughing first. Either way, I didn't show up to lose, so I managed to get out of the way of most of it, a couple grazing shots, and a gust of wind that finally calmed me down. I could almost have been grateful, but I had things to do, and somehow I suppose I kind of wanted ice cream, after.
It didn't take long to batter the poor bastard into a corner, at which point, to add insult to injury, I gave it a long, wet lick, and sauntered away as the trainer called it back in a huff. The couple devolved to a little bickering before they both paid up, and somehow, I almost felt glad to have interrupted their fun in the sun.
But that pokemon did NOT taste like ice cream. It was more like licking cold drywall. Forget a frozen treat, I'd beg for mouth wash.
Which almost made me glad our next stop was going to be a pokemon center. I didn't have much more than some bruises and a little bit of a headache, but fucker was a worrywart and wasn't going to let me go without a quick once over.
As much as I pretended to hate it, I kind of loved him for it. I knew he was serious about protecting me however he could. So I didn't complain, at least not as much as I might have, just nuzzled against his leg and took point as we strolled along. It was nice to not have anything to worry about. It felt like, today at least, only good things were over the horizon.
Trainer (OT)
For just the briefest moment, I felt my pulse quicken when the nurse said she had something flagged for my trainer ID. But a few keystrokes and a confirmation later, I was holding a pokeball, and the anticipation of bad news. As Helena was taken back for a quick exam and a potion, I hesitated, briefly.
But I knew that Belle had waited long enough. That she'd probably already gone through enough just being ready for me. So I asked everyone to wait in the lobby, and I stepped outside, the first thing I wanted her to feel was the sunshine and the wind. She deserved that much.
The lucario took it all in for a moment, before taking my hands in hers. A tearful greeting, and a hug so tight it seemed like she might never let go. I didn't mind the way her spikes jabbed at me. Not this time. Just hugged her back, and let her cry it out. Let her settle.
"Wendy's not with you?" She queried, as she finally stepped back, cuffing away the last of her tears. "Mm. Well, mom... um... Gwen sends her regards. She's still with us, but... I think she didn't want me to be around in the end. It's probably gonna be soon." She admitted, with a sullen sigh. "Still. This is what she wants, and I think this is what I want too. I said my goodbyes, but I think Helena's gonna want to say hers."
"That's up to her." I replied, reaching out to run my hand over Belle's head. "But I'll make sure she knows she doesn't need to ask anyone's permission. For now... welcome to Alola, gorgeous. I've missed you. We've missed you. Wendy isn't with us, but we'll see her again, sooner or later."
"Feels like I missed a lot." She admitted, leaning into my touch. "But mostly I think I just missed this." She added, teasing a soft kiss against my palm. "So. Local league circuit? Or did you have something else in mind?" She asked, taking my hand in hers, as I led her back into the pokemon center.
Helena grinned, sauntered up, and gave Belle a playful little swat. "Don't come in here stealing my man, fucker." She teased, before attempting to nuzzle against Belle, who immediately wrapped her up in a hug even tighter than the one I got. "Fine! We'll share him! Can't breathe!" She wheezed with a playful little snap of her teeth at Belle when she was freed.
It felt like we were all back together, certainly we were ready to go, much to the gratitude of the pokemon center workers, as we stopped crowding their hallway, and making so much noise for them. Plenty to do, and enough time to do it in, we more meandered than went anywhere purposefully, strolling along the beach, roughly toward our next destination.
Maybe we'd find somewhere secluded and just camp out minus the tent tonight. I could think of a few fun things we could do on the beach.
The smirk I got from Claire was nothing compared to the look Mira gave me.
Apparently that was our new plan for the day, our resident princess had spoken without saying a word!
Belle (OT's Lucario)
I was grateful they didn't give me away. Claire asked me, very quietly, just between our thoughts, if I was alright. Mira clearly understood at a glance, even though she couldn't see my aura the way I could hers. They were right to worry. I was already struggling to hold it all together. Helena was nothing short of an Arceus given blessing, a place things still made sense, even in the ways she teased. Like she knew exactly what I needed.
Letting go of Gwen was more than I understood until it was done. Until I was waiting for him. I wouldn't take it back. Not now. Not after all of this. But some part of me just wanted to break down and cry already. When I said goodbye, it was... I didn't really understand how final that was going to feel. How final it might be. How final it was.
Even there, safe in his arms, safe in his aura as we made ourselves a secluded little spot to lay our heads tonight, the absence of her was something I couldn't get away from. I'd never been far enough away from her to not feel her. To not know the color of her aura, the weight of her spirit. Not since I arrived at that sanctuary. Not since they saved me.
Choosing him over her... It was easy for Helena, I think. The two were a kind of trouble that were meant for one another. He didn't struggle with her barbs and jabs, and from the way she acted around him, he gave as good as he got. She felt safe in a way Gwen didn't make her feel. Not so for me. I felt afraid. Of what I'd feel. Of what I'd think, the closer we got. I knew he wouldn't hurt me. Not like I had been. I knew he wouldn't force me, wouldn't abuse me, wouldn't do anything like that. But it was terrifying for me in a way Gwen could never be. She made me feel safe.
Because she didn't make me face the things I was afraid of most.
When did I turn into a coward?
Helena (OT's Absol)
I knew that look in her eyes well enough. Knew she was holding it in, again, like aways. Trying to be graceful, restrained, not let on. So I stole her away, nudged her and with a tilt of my head down the beach we took a walk. Master got the hint, gave me a kiss, nuzzled against her cheek, and the only thing he asked of us was to stay out of the water, because it was getting dark and it was dangerous.
We were finally out of earshot, and only barely out of sight when she collapsed on me. Her arms wrapped around my shoulders, sobbing and shaking. She'd never show me her fear. I could feel it, like a tangible force. Could taste it, bitter on my tongue. I didn't have any answers, so I wrapped her up in my embrace as best as I could, my heavy paws against her back, drawing her in close.
She didn't need to worry about me, as far as Gwen was concerned. I'd made my peace with that. I said my goodbyes, I understood. Something gained, something lost. I'd felt it in my horn even before I'd spoken to the woman. It hurt to lose her in that way, but I knew it was better. For her, and for me.
But Belle wasn't like me. She was so much more gentle. So much more empathetic. She really was leaving her mother's side, for the very last time. Hurt didn't begin to cover what she felt. I knew that. As much of a bitch as I was, even I knew that much. So I didn't say anything. Not before she did.
It would be a long time before she did. Her tears long since dried, the breeze through our fur as we sat by the water's edge, watching the waves roll in, water shimmering in the moonlight. The sky holding a thin veil between us and the stars, as if the world itself sought to dim the lights a little.
She couldn't talk to master, fucker didn't know her like I did, and just by having a cock he scared the piss out of her. She wasn't ready, might not ever be ready, but I was going to try anyway. She deserved someone to try for once in her life. Gwen was always one to let it lie.
"She..." Belle faltered, more than once. "I..." She began again. "He...", and again. Her thoughts were everywhere, and I had nothing but static and mixed signals for what the day was going to bring. I could have wished I actually was what people thought I was. I'd have accepted it if it meant I could have known the way to help her.
But I could only be who I was. Who the fuck even was that?
I felt fucking useless, and it was a shot in the dark, but maybe it would be enough.
"It's a mess." I said, nuzzling into her shoulder, before laying back on the sand. "It's a fucking mess, I get it. It doesn't feel like how you wanted it to feel, all it feels right now is hurt and confusing." I was glad she laid down beside me. It felt strange to be talking up to her in the moment. "I don't have answers, Belle. Not like you need. Not like you deserve. Fuck if I know what to tell you."
"Thanks." She said, a sardonic reply. "I always could count on you."
"I love you too. Fuck you. Just listen." I replied, nipping at her with a shake of my head.
"Goodbyes suck. They only suck a little bit less when they come with something you really wanted. They suck a lot more when you know they're forever. Of course you're gonna feel shitty. But that's not his fault. That's not his fucking fault, or her fault or your fault. Fault's got nothing to do with it. So if fault's got nothing to do with it, guilt's got nothing to do with it. Nobody should feel guilty, because nobody's at fault. Including you."
"I left her." Belle said flatly. "I know I'm never going to get to see her again, and I up and left anyway. Tell me that's not something to feel guilty about."
"Fine. That's not something to feel guilty about. She's lived her life the way she wanted to. And the only thing she ever wanted from you was that you found a way to do the same. Same as she ever wanted for the rest of us. You might have been the biggest fucking suck-up, but that doesn't mean she loved the rest of us less or differently. When I left it made her cry with joy. You think she's miserable because you're happy? Don't you dare fucking put that on her!" I scolded. She flinched, honestly flinched at it, ears pinned flat to her head, and whatever reply she had been chewing on died in her throat.
"I love her too, Belle. And that's why I went when and how I did. I needed her to see I took it to heart. I needed her to know I wasn't going to spend the rest of my life regretting not having a choice, by making a fucking choice! So it's up to you what you're going to do, but if you love her at all, you'd better do whatever that is with all your heart." I wanted to leave her to her thoughts, but I knew better. This time, at least, she was stuck with me.
It would be a long time before we went back to the fireside, it would be silent until morning.