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Anxiety encompassed the days that had passed since I shouted Max out of my apartment. I knew I should apologise, I just couldn't reconcile everything he'd told me with the things I felt. But Ralph would text me. Ralph would call me. He'd find all these glimmering ways to talk me up and decorate our conversations with easy affection.

After my failure with Hope, I think I really needed that. My confidence was a fragile thing but he was so careful and constant and caring.

By contrast I could really see how Max was a manipulator, when he wanted something from me he got it eventually through his own design. I didn't really mind, the things we did with each other didn't have enough stakes for me to mind. But if they did? Maybe I'd be just as afraid as Ralph let on.

And though I once had thought both of those cats were cut from the same cloth, I felt I could forgive Ralph for his little games of chance. He was excited and too eager, it was love. I could act the same way and it made my heart glow to be on the other end of it for once.

I didn't tell him much of what happened between Max and I. It felt shameful to admit, all Ralph knew was that we'd had a fight. And though my curiosity burned at the thought of discussing what I now knew, it was too scary to talk about anything more serious with the black cat. I didn't want to upset him. I didn't want to lose him. I was cautious where I'd usually blunder into disaster because it seemed inevitable I'd slip up with him like I had with Max or Hope.

The passion Ralph and I shared was our reprieve. We called each other's phones directly now, we didn't have to hide and that brought some comfort.

Despite that, I couldn't shake how Max reacted when I let slip what Ralph and I were doing. He'd given up instead of fighting, it wasn't like him. I think that was the source of my current anxiety. It just didn't fit in a way that ate at me. Had he fought me I'd be more certain he was concocting another one of those narratives he prided himself on.

But he wasn't.

Today Ralph and I were going on another date but there was something I knew I had to do first. I knocked on Max's door.

The snow leopard answered with a broken smile. "Morning." He spoke the word without judgement and met my eyes without hesitation. It was the first time I'd seen him since the fight, he looked distracted. His brown fringe hung shaggy over his forehead as he stared at me through tired eyes, he looked far less kempt than I was used to seeing.

I bit my lip. "You okay?"

He gave me an odd look. "I'm fine. Not good, but fine." He spoke with brisk curtness that didn't suggest anger, but it also didn't suggest he welcomed this.

I sighed. "Fair enough." I folded my arms. "I've been thinking..."

He shook his head and cut to the meat of it. "You can have him." My eyes widened. He gave a bitter chuckle. "Figured you'd go all in. Have him. I don't care. I might, uh, be a little jealous but I'll manage."

I blinked. "Look. Maybe." I grimaced at how easily he'd guessed. "But I don't want to upset you any more than I already have, so, don't tell me that out of spite or whatever."

Something quirked in his stare. "It's not spite Jason. It's resignation. I don't own him. I don't own you. And I've stopped trying to convince myself I can have either of you for myself. You don't need my permission. I never should've made you swear off of him, I just," he paused and let breath stream through his lips. "I just hope you don't think I was lying to you, the other night. What I told you, it's all true."

I met his stare coolly. "Sure, I don't think you lied to me." I hesitated. "But I'd like to hear his side of it."

"Mhm." He chewed his lip. "I have some thoughts, but you have to tell me you want them. I'm just... not interfering."

"Go ahead."

His stare was both distant and intense as he lingered over a long breath. "I know you think you're being reasonable. Both sides and all that." He took a moment to think, then shrugged. "Just be careful Jason, please."

I held his gaze in silence for a long moment. "I will." He nodded once and stepped towards me. We embraced briefly. "I don't want him to come between us any more," I spoke the words low into his ear.

He leant away, a dull look on his face. "He won't." There was so much certainty behind the statement that I grinned. It faded in an instant. What was he certain about? That he could cope with me dating his ex? Or something else. Decidedly, I didn't want to know.

"We're going on a-"

He winced back from my words. "Don't." The word fell like the slice of his claws, so fraught with jealousy and pain as his guard broke for just that instant. Within the span of a breath he was composed again.

I blinked. "Understood." For now, I resolved to keep it quiet. Maybe in time, or if the situation changed I could be more open. Perhaps my hopes were too high that I could have his ex and keep him as a friend, but I'd find a way to navigate that. "If you need to talk about it..." I trailed off. He drew in a lengthy breath like I was testing his patience.

"I want to believe he's changed." He cut his gaze away. "And I want to believe I have too. Just, let me keep that belief and we'll see what happens."

It was the plea of a defeated man, there was nothing more I could say to that. "I could drop by later if you need some company." It was a genuine offer, but he sucked at his teeth like it wounded him.

"Not tonight." He shot a nod in my direction and closed his door. I clicked my tongue and sighed as I made my way downstairs. He needed time, probably. I think I was wise to keep my distance for those days that I did and given more days he might settle into a new comfortable rhythm. I'd do my best to make sure I was part of that rhythm.

As I sat down in my car my phone buzzed, a message from my boss.

See me when you get into the gym today.

I puzzled over why but put it aside. She'd never sent me something like this before but work could wait.

I'd organized to pick Ralph up from a busy intersection. He'd dodged around me asking where he lived a dozen times, it was just that he happened to be out today around that area. It was a little annoying, but part of me enjoyed the mystery. Or rather, I enjoyed the anticipation the mystery brought. I was always yearning for our next encounter.

Always dreaming of the raucous sex we'd have.

I spotted him as I approached the intersection, he wore a plain white shirt which broke up his dark shape. The contrast was cute, it made it easier for me to focus on his head as I approached.

I wondered if it might make me stare into his eyes more.

I was grinning like a madman as I dove into the side lane to scoop him up. He slipped into my car and smiled at me.

It only took an instant.

My breath caught in my chest as I pulled out and indicated at the next corner. "Change of plans," I said brusquely. From the corner of my eye I saw his grin deepen. He knew, of course he knew. Fuck me, I knew from the moment I saw him on the street.

I swung around into a parking lot and parked on the other side of a dumpster. We were obscured by the dumpster and a wall, but the busiest highway in the city blared past in full view from the windscreen. He didn't even ask, he just undid his seatbelt and crawled over the console to reach the backseat.

I sighed contentedly as I met his eyes in the rearview. "Lie down." My voice was low. He splayed out on the seat, his tail swished mesmerizingly. "Pants down." I nodded, he obeyed without hesitation. I smiled at the round shape of his ass as he wiggled it seductively. A rough breath slipped out of me as I pressed a hand over my hardening cock.

I adjusted the rearview for a better angle. "Finger yourself."

Surprise lit up his face. He stuck two fingers in his mouth, coated them in spit and raised his ass. He gasped as he poked at his hole. I grinned and shifted in my seat. "You've been a bad boy keeping me waiting." Anticipation coiled in my belly. Bad boy? I hadn't planned on it, yet the words appealed to me in the moment.

I stretched in my seat, my hand dropped to my lap to fondle myself lazily. He groaned as he slid his fingers back into himself. My dick throbbed reflexively. He shook as he pressed his face into the seat like he was inching away from his own fingers. A moan stretched his lips and his tail swung. A look of concentration shaped his face.

I exhaled, the sound full of yearning. He'd really do anything I asked of him. I sat for a few moments and basked in the sound and sight of him fingering himself. My cock strained hard against my pants as I flexed it back under the weight of my hand. Idle pleasure blossomed into burning intent the longer I stared at Ralph's reflection.

I made a sound as I got out and rounded the car. Plunged back into the real world, the ceaseless rush and honking of traffic only emphasised how special this was. Desire laced my belly with rampant tingling that strained my cock even harder.

With nobody else but him could I share this unrestrained lust.

I crowded the entire back of the car as I loomed over him. He spread his puckered pink hole and pressed his fingers in. He moaned louder than he had before. I raised a hand and grasped his balls in a circle of my index finger and thumb. He whimpered as I sat and tugged him backwards into my lap. I gave him a firm slap on his ass, which sent a jolt through him. He tried to crawl to a more comfortable position but I flipped him so he was upside down over me.

I spread his cheeks in my face and grinned. "Never thought I'd crave a boy's hole so bad." He shivered at my warm breath. I wrangled his tail in a hand and levered it over his head as I placed my broad tongue against the back of his balls and dragged it up along his crack in a lazy motion. He gripped my knees and moaned, the tips of his claws pricked my legs.

I laughed as I brought my hand down on his ass again, the crack of the slap sent a surge lust through me. I shifted my hands, one to his tail and one to the top of his head. I wrenched his tail away from me and bared his hole as I forced his face against my thigh. He nosed at my bulge, I could feel his coarse tongue through the cloth. A shiver wracked my entire body.

It had only been days yet I was as twitchy and urgent as a virgin.

"Lick it." I growled as I rubbed his face against my cock. Another stroke of his tongue made me toss my head back against the seat. "Fuck. Keep fingering yourself." I pressed him against my body with one hand as my other hand caged his skull. I could feel all the little muscles of his body trying to resist me as he hung upside down over me but he was both powerless and unwilling to stop me.

One of his paws lifted to his ass, two of his fingers pressed against his pink hole right in my face. I lowed softly and savored the sight of it.

A truck blared its horn outside. A fierce smile rose on my face. I could scarcely believe we were doing this. My cock throbbed against his face. A patch of his spit dampened the leg of my pants.

I leant forward, my tongue stretched to probe at the edge of his asshole, seeking a way in alongside his fingers. I couldn't understand how he managed to be both tight and accommodating as I forced my tongue into him. His pawpads grazed my tongue as he continued fingering himself.

I went lax against the seat, squirming and moaning every time he lapped at my bulge. Pleasure gathered in my belly. I started squeezing my eyes shut as he rubbed his face in my crotch.

I couldn't take this anymore. He was ready. I had to go further.

I threw him across the backseat as I yanked my pants down. The sight of him scrambling back to my lap as he pounced mouth-first on my cock felt like a glimpse from a dream. He was so desperate to please me. I shuddered out a moan as the warm, wet circle of his lips fell on me and he gulped his way down an inch at a time on my thick cock.

Pleasure sent my mind spinning as he started bobbing up and down on my shaft, spluttering loudly as he forced himself closer and closer to the base of my cock.

As his nose brushed my pubes, I grasped his ear tight enough for him to give a strained hiss. "I didn't tell you to do that." I waited for the words to register. He stretched his jaws and tried to ease off of me. I released his ear but pushed down harder on his head and groaned as he gagged on my cock and then sprung back. His eyes were thin, spit hung from his muzzle as he panted.

It felt like maybe a stroke too far, I was about to check if he was okay but he bowed his head and turned to face away from me. He presented his raised ass, his black tail coiled through the air to draw my eye. My bad boy knew exactly what I wanted this time.

A grin etched my lips as I knelt on the seat behind him. He was heaving in noisy breaths, still recovering from the gagging.

"Sh, sh, sh." I shushed him as the weighty tip of my cock grazed his hole. Every time I lined my cock up with his ass it struck me anew how he had to stretch to fit me. I poked the tip just past the ridge of his hole. He gasped and braced like he expected more. "Back onto it." My voice was a low rumble.

He glanced over his shoulder, the gold of his eyes glittered as he pressed towards me.

I moaned low, my body relaxed as a wave of warmth radiated from my belly. I smiled down on him and let myself fall across his back, my hand braced against the far window to stop my horns from scratching it.

I wrapped my other arm around his shoulders and started thrusting weakly into him. He mewled at the sensation, the sound awoke crackling desire within me.

I got aggressive when I was this pent up.

I worked my hips, testing to make sure he could take the entirety of my cock. He gasped and squirmed back against me. I felt I'd fucked him enough to know when he was challenging me.

I revelled in it.

I pumped my cock into him with increasing fevor. One of his hands reached for purchase against the door as I started slamming into him. The car filled with the sound of my heavy balls slapping against his ass amidst his moans. My concentration centered on his challenge. I could never back down from it, not until he submitted to me entirely.

I exhaled, my throat tight with the sound of it. I pounded him full-bore but it wasn't enough.

I tore myself out of his body. He squeaked under me as I dug a hand under his chest and flipped him over. He stared up at me, sweat had matted the fur of his forehead. I licked my lips and stabbed right back into him.

His eyes went wide, his jaw tensed, then went loose as he breathed a moan. His ear flicked, he turned his head and scrunched his eyes shut. His fists balled in the short hair of my flank as he grabbed me for stability.

I rapidly rose back to a frantic pace and pounded him with domineering intent.

But nothing I did seemed to satisfy the rampant physical lust within me.

I slapped his face, he jerked to the side and groaned loudly. As I thrust relentlessly at him his head bounced slowly back to center under me. There was bliss in the pained expression he wore.

I should've known. Max liked to be choked, of course it would be another thing they shared. Any masochistic urges Ralph had should've been obvious to me the first time I crammed my thick cock in his tiny ass.

I loosed a low rumble, the sound bright with aggression. I slipped both hands around his neck. The corners of his lips twitched with desire.

The soft sensation of my hands around his throat was like balm to the days of anxiety that had preceded this moment. Exhilaration rose on his face as my grasp closed around his neck. I slammed into him with enough force to shake the car as I strangled him harder. Shock and enthusiasm made him yowl as he shuddered under me.

I pounded him with untapped fervor, my balls ached with the force at which they hammered him. The acute pain only grew my frustration to a bludgeoning weight. I squeezed his neck hard enough to make him gurgle and moan. I shifted my grip, he heaved in a massive breath in the tiny gap I left.

He made sounds that almost worried me as I strangled him again, but I was a dirty fucker and proud of it. The dark column of his throat felt fragile in my grasp. I growled as I humped him like I was trying to squish him.

The muscles in his shoulders tighten. His ass clenched against me. He made a hollow sound, like he tried to inhale when his lungs were full. He convulsed as a spurt of cum leapt from his cock and shot up one of my arms.

I was so surprised I loosened my hold on his throat. He curled in a ball under me and shielded his neck. He shook and gasped in ragged breaths between unguarded moans that made it clear he'd given in to the punishment I gave him. I pumped my cock into him a dozen more times to be sure he knew he was my cunt and little else.

The dirtiest part of my mind caught the only thing filthier than plowing him into submission. I withdrew my throbbing cock from his ass and marvelled at his defensive posture. I was shaking as I crawled over him. The slick tip of my cock poked into his guard. My sensitive flesh grazed his soft fur and sent a perverse shudder through me.

I peeled his hand away from his neck as I guided my cock towards his face.

He stared at me with wide eyes.

"Go on." I exhaled the words. He rasped a breath as he blinked. My cock throbbed in his face. He leant forward, his pink tongue poked out from his black fur as he lapped at a running drop of precum. Watching him open himself up to my cock sent a rush of dark pleasure through me.

It wasn't enough for him to submit to me, to be hurt by me enjoying his body. He had to prove he'd let me use him whenever I wanted.

He suckled on my cock, he seemed sluggish and weak after what I just put him through but his eyes were bright. I dropped a hand to his head and pushed him down on my cock.

The coarse sensation of filling his mouth stunned me. All the rapid, forceful contact had made me sensitive to this continuous sensation. He purred and the vibration rattled every bone in my body.

I bucked my hips. He gagged and flinched back from me.

My cock leapt from his mouth and sprayed a load of cum across his face. My vision fogged, my heart pounded as my head drained of all thought.

Pleasure burned in my chest so hot and heavy I could hardly draw my awareness to the second blast of my seed that landed over his nose. I collapsed onto the seat behind me, my snout pointed towards the roof of the car as I breathed in ragged breaths.

I blinked, the brief pause of darkness made it clear the world was too bright for a moment. Too noisy too, as I found space in my head to process sound. Something bumped into my lap.

I jolted as Ralph pounced on my cock once more. I could hardly make sense of it as he lashed his tongue against me. I gasped and squirmed against the seat as overwhelming sensation nearly demanded I flee, but I braced through the rush until my body processed the feeling as pleasure. It took me time to gather the energy to speak.

"Maybe you are a good boy." I stroked a meaty finger under his chin as he nosed at my dick. A strand of cum stretched as he leant away. He lapped at it eagerly, the sight sent a new rush of arousal through me. I clapped a hand down on his ass and stretched his hole with my second and fourth fingers. There was a shocking amount of pre that slicked his fur. My middle finger poked and prodded around his hole. He quivered at each point of contact and purred as he descended to lap at my cock.

In the delightful haze of the afterglow I could never tell if I enjoyed the sex or the pleasurable comedown afterwards more. The post-coital cleaning he gave me was very quickly becoming my favorite part. The warm, coarse brush of his tongue in unrelenting strokes felt intended to urge me into another round.

Today I was too dazed to arc up and plow him again. It was too much fun to toy with his hole as he licked me.

I was as surprised as he was when a second spout of cum doused his face. I laughed and scratched his ears as he wiped himself clean and licked up the excess. His gaze swung back to my lap.

"Nah." I nudged him back and pulled up my pants. "Later."

He snickered. "Fiiine." The sugar in his voice almost made me regret it.

I'd picked a date destination that felt far less daunting than the forest he'd chosen last time. Still a park, but more of the flower beds and flat green spaces variety. It bordered on a strip of shops and cafes which was usually bustling, but was quiet during the midmorning of a workday. I'd intended to enjoy the date first, then fuck him if there was time before I met up with clients later. Instead, I'd cramped our date time.

Determined not to let that bother me, I grabbed him by the hand as we walked the length of the park towards the shops. Where I expected to find nerves instead was comfort and relief. Holding hands with a guy in public, being seen on a date with another man. That didn't bother me. In fact, I quite liked it.

There was something almost daring about it, like I anticipated judgement. Maybe it was silly, but, the idea of standing up to or defying someone who cast judgement on us was exciting to me. I'd always liked to play the protector in a relationship.

But the park was almost empty and that made me feel a little daft for even thinking of those things. The only interaction we had was a pleasant passing nod with an old lady who showed no reaction to two guys walking hand in hand.

"Do you ever feel like people judge you for being gay?" I asked as we turned at a bed of pink roses towards the shops.

He cut me an odd look. "No, why?"

"Huh." I lingered between steps then shrugged. "Dunno."

Ralph chuckled, the sound was perfectly reminiscent of Max. Like a shot through space and time I could almost hear the snow leopard's voice say any number of things which pointed to my past shame as the source of the judgement. Instead, Ralph said, "Wellll, maybe some guys treat me like I'm easy." He smirked. "But they're fun." He shook my hand for emphasis.

Warmth rose in my cheeks. "You're so right." I licked my lips. "Anyways. What have you been up to since our last date?"

"Ah. I was trying to find dealers." I expected avoidance. This seemed worse.

"Yeah?" I shot him a hesitant grin. "For what?"

"The lot." He winked at me.

My grin widened for an instant, then faded. "Like..." I prompted him.

"A bit of party for whatever." Neither of us spoke for a moment, I was too busy trying to contextualize what he said. "Everything in moderation, I should say," he added hastily.

"Huh. Fair enough." I tilted my head. "Didn't pick you for the type."

"Eh." He wrinkled his nose.

"Interesting to learn is all."

"No issue?" He queried me.

I sucked at my teeth for a moment. "For most things, no. But other things in moderation, I won't knock it. Um, was Max...?" I let the words hang.

Ralph snorted and shook his head. "No. Bit of weed and LSD was all he did, he was far too stuck up to try the rest." He spoke it sharply, like he was trying to discredit something about the snow leopard. It was a bizarre insight into both of their lives.

"Right, uh, admittedly same. I'm... hesitant to go further." I squeezed his paw. I didn't know when my hand had gotten so sweaty. We'd stopped walking as well. "Comes with being a personal trainer, I think." I tried to cover myself. "Body, health and all." It was the lamest thing I could say, but I meant it.

He peered up at me. "And would you be willing to try more, if it made the sex hotter?"

I blinked, dumbstruck. "You reckon it would?" Shame clutched at my chest as the thought dazzled me. Would I really?

"Uhuh." He nodded.

"Maybe some day." My reply came hollow. I wasn't sure I believed that. It was strange then to find a boundary I never knew I had. But was it only a boundary around my own experiences or something I'd have to cordon off from prospective partners too? It unsettled me to even consider.

The ensuing lull in conversation felt impassable. We plodded towards the shops, still holding hands but I felt I had nothing to say.

"Am I too much?" Ralph asked as we approached a cafe.

"No." I drew in a deep breath to calm the budding nerves in my chest. "I meant it when I said I wanted to learn about you, and you opened up. That's good. I appreciate that." It sounded so stiff.

"Ok." He nodded. "You broke your promise, by the way."

I tensed. "Huh?"

"About talking about him."

Max. I winced. "I just... yeah. No excusing it. Sorry."

"Cool." He cast his gaze towards the cafe and nodded. "Here?"

"Uh, sure." It was a decision made in haste but I think I needed to sit down. I only wanted a pleasant date with him, without the baggage and uh, hopefully no further mention of hard drugs.

We found a seat, put in an order and I made a strong effort at opening dating conversations. I asked about ambitions, about lifestyle, about habits and things we both enjoyed but he was so opaque. He was a shape of black fur across the table, his white shirt did keep my gaze on his eyes but now that felt almost uncomfortable.

He'd ordered a strawberry milkshake with his food and took a sip from it every time I tried to find a new topic, it almost felt like he was taunting me. I kept tripping over ideas because I now knew how he'd spent a few years in prison, only he hadn't told me yet and the more topics I exhausted the easier it felt to let slip something I shouldn't say.

After a few failed back and forths, he threw his own attempts out there.

"Anything you want to try in the bedroom?" his golden eyes shone with intent. "What's hotter to you?" He paddled through a handful of easy, almost juvenile questions and while I sought answers from him I wanted him to talk about himself, not just what was between us.

Finally, he came to one that felt far more loaded than I anticipated.

"Would you fuck a criminal?"

I met his eyes and grinned down on him. "Repeatedly."

He snickered and I braced for him to open up. "Would you fuck that actor, August Cardona. The tiger?"

It was so banal I wanted to groan. "Probably." I shrugged. I tried not to sound deflated. "Hey should we clear out? Go sit in the park. I gotta head to work soon."

"Sure." He reached for his pocket but I shook my head as I got up to pay for our meals. I didn't want to feel hard done by, but if not for the rough sex prior to the date it would've been one of the worst dates of my life.

I knew there was substance to him and I couldn't fault him for being so guarded. I just wished he wasn't. He was the only prospective boyfriend I'd ever had and I was becoming increasingly curious what a real relationship with a guy could be like.

We found a bench in the park beside a row of hedges. Mild sunlight glazed our bodies, I stretched out alongside him and placed an arm around his shoulders. He nuzzled up against me, though he still held his milkshake.

"That was nice," I spoke like I was trying to confirm it to myself.

He slurped at his milkshake in response.

"It's fun getting to know you," I added.

He nodded. "I want you to fuck me again."

I raised my eyebrows like it surprised me. "Yeah?"

"Yeah." He sipped at his shake.

I gave in. If sex was all we had for now it was at least damn good sex. "Tell me more."

His gold eyes went round and pleading. "I want you to take me in your bed. Your place. Your kingdom." He floated the last word with grandeur, like he thought me a king.

I laughed. "When we can," I deflected. "I don't want... y'know, catching us." It felt wrong to even allude to him, given my assurance I wouldn't mention Max.

"Aw." He gave a mischievous grin. "Where's the fun in that?"

I snorted. "Maybe in the future."

A grimace crossed the cat's face. "He's all sour about me isn't he?"

I nodded hesitantly. "He's getting over it, slowly."

"I could make it slower." He cocked his head. "Should I?"

"Dude, no." I sighed. It was like he held the same vicious streak Max did. "If you're done with him, leave him be for the sake of all of us."

"I guess." He stretched lazily in the sun. "I don't like that you're friends with him."

I lifted my chin to hide the brief scowl on my face. "Yeah?" That was more direct than I expected, it sent my heart racing.

"He's awful. Just awful." He slurped on the dregs of his milkshake. "And the sooner you see that, the better."

"Maybe." I shrugged. I resented this line of conversation but at least it was something more meaningful. "He's far from perfect, but he also helped me through my breakup and helped me make more sense of myself. He's also my neighbor and I'd like to keep the peace at the very least."

Ralph squinted for a moment as he gave a final gurgling slurp on his straw. "The only good thing he's ever done was introduce me to you." If he felt comfortable being that bold it seemed to suggest I could too.

"Then why'd you date him?" I shot him a querying look.

"Nope." He shrugged.

I cocked my head.

"I'll tell you later, if you really have to know." He sighed like it was a big ordeal.

"Okay. Figured I'd prefer to hear it from you than him, is all."

He stiffened at that. "Oh. He'd tell you, would he?" Accusation rose in his voice.

"Probably." There was some smug satisfaction in knowing more than I let on. "If I asked, which I might."

"Do whatcha gotta do, I guess." He sighed. "This is my fault, isn't it?"

"What?"

"I jumped the gun. Told you how I felt too early." He scrunched up his face. "Now you're investigating me."

I laughed. "Ralph." I stroked his cheek, the regret melted off of his face. "For once in my life I'm not being rash. If you'd known me longer, maybe you'd see how seriously that means I'm treating this situation. I'd just like to know, y'know? Get a sense for why you might fall for someone, hear more about how you are in relationships."

He frowned at first but nodded by the end. "Um." He bit his lip. "That makes sense, and I'm glad just... I wish you didn't hear it from him. Because um, I've started to think..." He gestured something heavier with his hands as he trailed off. "I don't like this word Jason but I also don't know what to call him. He um, abused me, I think."

"Oh." I stared at his lap, where his paws had gathered nervously. Something sunk in my chest, it might've been my heart.

"I dunno how to say something." He chewed his lip. "It sounds pathetic but it's true so I'm just going to say it. I don't have any friends anymore, because of him. It's the only reason I still talk with him, and I'm trying to keep my distance now."

My heart panged. Jail could do that to someone. Worse, he did blame Max for it. "Right."

"Um. There's a lot I'll tell you about that." He took a deep breath. "But not now, if um, if that's okay with you?" He had an anxious aura about him. Either Max, prison or both had really done a number on him.

"Of course." I rubbed a hand on his back gently.

"I'm not going to tell you to avoid him or anything, but yeah. Um, kind of wish you would." He sighed, but eased under my touch. There was nothing I could say to that, but words lashed at the back of my throat. I froze, not wanting to have a fight on our first actual date. My silence saved me, he kept talking. "None of this is how I wanted you to learn anything about me." He gave a sad chuckle and shook his head. "I must seem like such a mess."

"Only when I've made you one." I shot him a hungry look. I'd intended it for levity but he matched my gaze.

I think I was just stupid because time and time again I had the lesson proved to me that it was never, ever truly just the tip. Even indicating sex in an entirely different context just meant I wanted it, and with the right person I'd get it.

"Guess you don't have time huh?" He grinned at me. "Are you closing again today?" The question was speckled with something I couldn't place, urgent desire I presumed.

"No and I'd shoo you off if I was." I folded my arms. "Not in the gym again, I'm serious about that."

"Fiiine." He sighed. "You made me horny."

I glared at him. "You make me horny all the time."

"I could meet you after work?"

"I'll be tired." I sighed, I think I wanted time to myself to process the day but he was hard to resist.

"Got a spare key? I'll sneak in when Max is running errands." He licked his lips.

"Maybe." Arousal tickled in my chest. The thought of coming home to him... a rumble rose from within me. He purred back at me as he watched me closely, desire so plainly flagged in his gaze. It felt like a big choice. "You might get bored."

"I'll bring a book."

"Mmmm." I drew in a long breath. "I want it, I just feel weird."

"Nahhh, come on. I'm putting aside my day for this. I want it." He put a small paw over my hand. "You want it."

I nodded in agreement. "It's just... a lot."

"I'm not going to go through your stuff or take anything." He pouted. "Maybe just some dirty boxers." He cut me a wide grin.

I snorted, a dumb smile warmed my cheeks. "It's not that."

"What is it then?"

I bit my lip. "I think," I started, enunciating each word stiltedly. "That you would need to stay the night." Even the thought of it brought butterflies to my chest. "Like, so we can sneak around Max and logistically and yeah..."

He tilted his head, waiting for me to continue.

"And." I sucked in a tight breath. "I don't know if like, emotionally, I am... ready. For that." I rubbed my nose. "With someone who loves me." It sounded awkward, I felt I had to keep explaining. "I don't want another impulse to be a bad decision." I gulped in another breath. I don't think I'd ever been so mature before, but it felt right. Felt good. Juggling Ralph and Max was hard enough on its own, but my emotional state was more tightly strung than I realized.

Understanding grew on his face. "I see," he sounded a little withdrawn.

I sighed.

"It can just be sex." He patted my hand. "I promise you, it can just be sex."

My ear flicked. "I need you to really mean that."

"Jason..." He put an edge in his voice. "I don't have much else going for me at the moment, so I don't want to mess this up more than I already have." He drew his hand back. "I'm gonna prove it to you tonight that you can trust me."

I watched him for a moment, reaching for any sense of foul play. I'd become so good at sniffing it out of Max, but from Ralph this seemed so genuine. I dipped my chin, pretending I was considering something but I'd already made my mind up. "If I left a key under the doormat, just this once..."

"I'll be ass up on your bed when you come back." His tail swished, like he was trying to draw my eye to it. It worked, my blood was up.

I let breath stream through my lips. "Like a dream," I mumbled.

"I wanna please you, fill your every fantasy." His voice filled with passion. My cock strained in my pants.

"Alright." I chuckled. "You win."

He pumped a fist.

"I'll even cook you dinner," I spoke from a place of romance, trying to assuage his fears. I reached a hand out to his chin and tugged him around to face me. He stared into my eyes, a soft smile on his face as I leant forward to kiss him. He pulled back, at first.

"Just sex." He warned me.

I blinked. How immediately I'd forgotten. Fuck me, I was hopeless. I was about to say something but he grabbed my cheeks and drew me into the kiss. His tongue darted back against mine. I breathed contentedly as I broke away. "It's dangerous, the way you make me feel," I said, adjusting my crotch.

He dropped a paw against my obvious bulge and smiled. I leant back on the bench, grinning to myself. A few people were around but nobody was looking at us. He kneaded my crotch gently for a drawn out moment. I simply basked in the lazy pleasure of it.

He was a good idea.

I wasn't sure what that meant for Max and I, but frankly, I think I'd made my mind up about which side I was on. Max's jealousy wasn't pretty. He was just a friend and if he had been so horrible to Ralph as to scar him for years, well, say no more. I wanted nothing to do with that.

I stared at the little black paw in my lap. But this could be more. I think I wanted it to be more. I didn't love him, not yet. But I wouldn't stop myself if it happened. I'd lost that shame over who I was, so I'd welcome the first good thing to fall into my lap.

Er. The right thing, if it fell into my lap.

"I gotta go see some clients." I sighed. "But put your paw in there and give it a squeeze."

He wasted no time stuffing his hand in my pants. He squeezed my cock and I let myself moan out loud. He jerked me twice. I huffed and pulled his hand away. He reached back. I blinked. His golden eyes were trained on me as he groped me again.

"Ralph." I grinned. "Later." But I didn't stop him. Instead, I scanned my field of view to see if it would be safe for him to get me off. He withdrew his hand. I blinked, surprised.

"Fine." He hopped to his feet. "See you at yours." He shot me a wink and something in me tightened. I could wait. I would relish it.

It was the only thing on my mind as I went home, changed into gym clothes and stashed a key under my doormat. My eyes didn't leave Max's door and I held my breath as I slid the key into place. He'd know exactly why if he saw it. I stood, my hands were shaky. I couldn't believe we were doing this.

There was a nonzero chance he'd hear us. I nearly giggled. I wouldn't enjoy the fallout of that but I'd be lying if I said it didn't make me harder.

Work had never felt like more of a drudge. I had two clients and I met each of them for coffee consults. It felt impossible to discuss their progress and I know I gave lacking recommendations. Regardless, they either didn't notice or were too polite to say anything.

It did not help that one of them was a diminutive fox. I couldn't stop myself from thinking of the sounds he'd make if I ate his ass. I got him to demonstrate his squatting form to me and I copped a furtive feel. The contact was no different to something genuine and professional, direct guidance for what he might need to adjust in the motion but it was unnecessary. He was none the wiser. The giddiness I felt at sexualizing him only whipped on ceaseless arousal within me.

I knew this was inappropriate.

That only made it hotter.

I'd seen his ass before in the locker room. I left that consult knowing I wanted to fuck him.

It was dangerous. I rubbed one out in my car before I headed to the gym. I felt so over-stimulated. There was magic in my mood, it was like discovering the world anew. There were so, so many hot guys I'd denied myself the pleasure of noticing.

If Max and Ralph were any indication, they might be easier than all of the women I'd known in my life too.

Stepping into the gym felt like a cold slap to the face.

Something was amiss. I walked in with a smile as I always did, only the staff on reception grimaced back as he called for our boss. My heart sunk as I stepped closer and hefted my sports bag to the counter. "What's wrong?" I asked.

"Boss wants to talk to you." Before he'd even finished talking, I felt her glaring daggers into my side.

"Jason." My boss's voice was cold. I glanced to her, anxiety crackled through me. "My office. Now." She laced the order with authority. She never got like this. I offered a bewildered look to my co-worker but within me there was only frigid certainty. She knew. Somehow she knew what Ralph and I had done. I steeled myself with a lengthy breath as I followed her to her office.

She was a leopard in her 40s, still fit as can be. She hunched over her desk, thick arms braced against it as she nodded to the chair opposite from her. She watched me in silence for a short moment. I held her gaze, feigning stubborn ignorance.

"Tell me why I shouldn't have you scrubbing the entire locker room with a toothbrush." There was a huskiness to her voice that suggested she guarded her anger.

I scowled. "Why?" Like I didn't already know.

Her eyes went wide, her pupils narrowed on me like I was prey. "I'm disgusted." She snarled and crashed into her chair.

"What have I done?" I snorted and sat up taller, my head angled ever so slightly down to make her more aware of my horns. She sucked in a lengthy breath as she tried to regather control. She woke up her computer and navigated to a file on her desktop. CCTV footage. I recognised the date immediately. How many times had I stared at Ralph's text? The lone black cat emoji, sent mere moments after we parted ways outside the gym. How many times had I envisioned replying until I finally could a few days ago?

Still, I tilted my head like I was unsure. There'd be no footage from inside the locker room. Whatever she suspected, I could disprove. With a breath that teetered on a hiss, she played the video. It started with me standing over Ralph on the ab master, I watched through slitted eyes as Ralph's body curled into mine in one fluid motion. Even here I admired how easily he tangled against me.

Doggedly, I watched myself. How I froze. The footage was grainy but I almost seemed to smile before I stepped away. "I told him off for that." I glowered at the screen, pointing to how I spoke. My body language was negative. I folded my arms. "I don't swing that way," I added.

"Yeah?" She let the footage keep playing. It jumped to a shot of the front desk, showing Ralph coming and asking me to unlock the showers.

"Are you blind?" I scowled at her, stabbing a finger at the screen when I gave an exasperated look over Ralph's request. She only frowned. My heart hammered in my chest watching how closely I stalked Ralph's heels on the way to the showers. She paused the video.

"Do you take me for an idiot?" she asked.

"It was locked. I had to-"

She gave me a pained look as she resumed the playback. Nothing happened. We'd disappeared from view into the locker room. She sped up the footage. Still we waited, each moment tipped me further and further into an anxious spiral. She sped it up once more and waited an entire minute. Her eyes bore into me the entire time, each second passed felt like another weight on my shoulders. She paused it with expert precision as we stepped out of the locker room.

A clawed finger pointed right at the time on the screen. "Fifty-six minutes Jason."

I grappled for an excuse. Something. Words failed me as I cleared my throat.

She spoke first. "I'm at a loss."

"I usually take long showers after-"

She cut me off with her hand. "I checked." Her glare sharpened. "I thought I was the idiot here. I was so repulsed I was sure it couldn't be, but no. You barely spend ten minutes at the end of your shifts before you're out the door." She growled. "Not in my gym," she said grimly.

"I don't swing that w-"

She scoffed. "I've been up all night getting evidence together." She looked at me through a lens of disgust. Only now did I see the bags under her eyes. "Because your friend called in tears to tell me what you did." She laced the words with such accusation I genuinely went numb.

I stared at her, dumbfounded. "What I did?" The words floated from my lips. Who called her? My stomach dropped. Evidence? I felt aloft and uncertain. The world moved slowly and my thoughts went even slower.

Last night.

But I'd seen Ralph this morning I- Max? Was it Max? Max with his weak resignation while he stung with bitter jealousy? This reeked of him, but... he wasn't one to reek at all.

She played the last of the CCTV footage at normal speed. From the locker room, I'd strode energetically over to gather my things. Ralph had followed, head down. Slow and quiet, his usual guise. In the grainy footage it did not look normal. I hadn't looked back at him. I was too disgusted with myself then to regard him. He looked troubled as he waited for me to leave, like he couldn't run on his own. With the right framing... I stared in horror.

"Get out of my gym. Do not come back. Ever." She stared at me with enough hate to put nausea in my gut. "You sicken me." She damn near spat the words.

"It's not..." I raised a hand. I was shaking. "No, no it wasn't like that." I felt dizzy. "Look." I played with an abacus in my head. All of Max's warnings about Ralph I was half-certain were the jealous musings of a scorned ex. "We did fuck around, but I didn't rape him." But this didn't make sense. Ralph loved me. So Max must've truly harbored anger, he must've tried to get his revenge, but this didn't seem like him. And how could he know enough of the situation to concoct a story like that?

Nerves scraped at my gut. Anxieties boiled about my skull so feverishly it felt surreal. I stood hard enough to scrape the chair against the floor. I took a staggered step. My boss shot me a look of disbelief.

Max had said Ralph had tried to rob someone.

I shot out the door. I ran so fast I didn't even grab my things from the front desk. I threw myself in my car and drove. I sped.

Fuck me I knew I sped. But each reckless moment had blended into a senseless smear of details. I kept turning over thoughts, my head swam with memories of Max and Ralph as I tried to discern any scrap of truth from the situation.

I think I dialled Ralph's number as I drove.

It was only later when I looked through my call log would I see I tried his number seven times. No answer.

I hurtled up the stairs to my apartment. I shook as I fit my key in the lock, cursing aloud as I fumbled it twice. The key turned, I threw the door open. "Fuck." The word slipped from me louder than I expected. It was daunting to glance around my apartment, unsure if I'd find him nude and eager or my shelves naked.

There was a normalness to my living space I was ill prepared for. I expected a scene of disarray. Instead, almost everything was in its place. Almost.

"Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck." I swept around the living room. Eyeing every piece of furniture. Every knick-knack. Most of it was present. My laptop was missing from my dining table. I sucked in a tight breath as I ventured deeper into my apartment.

My thoughts ricocheted off of each other at dizzying speeds. Softer daydreams caught my fancy.

Maybe he was here and he'd gotten bored. A sob cracked my throat. He could just be using my laptop on my bed while he waited for me. Tears blinded me as I nudged the door to my bedroom open.

Here there was disarray. My mattress had been shifted in the bedframe. He'd searched it then and likely found the few hundred dollars I kept in cash under it. I didn't even bother checking, grim certainty blanketed my thoughts. It was gone. The drawer of my bedside table hung open, most of the junk I kept in it was tossed about nearby. But it wasn't the junk I was looking for as I prodded through what was left.

I used that drawer as a repository for all manner of personal documents. Forms of identification. Bills and bank statements. None of it remained.

My laundry hamper was on its side. I stared at the pile of clothes next to it, baffled. It made no sense why he'd- realization dawned on me. Disturbingly, he'd plucked my dirty boxers out of the mess like he'd joked earlier.

My brow furrowed as I trembled. More than anything else missing, that struck me as something severe. The other stuff was just stuff, or important in ways that made sense to steal. This was deeply and unquestionably personal.

Fuck me, I couldn't afford a new laptop.

I blinked. I was out of a job. I'd been fired. Each word of that thought sheared pain through my skull like knives driven through the bone.

It didn't seem right. It didn't seem real, it shouldn't have even been possible but... Ralph had orchestrated it. He loved me. I blinked. He loved me. I knew that. I felt that. He'd... It was too much.

I tried to draw up a tally in my mind to count the value of what I'd lost, but it was inconceivable. Not because things like documents, a laptop and underwear didn't have value, but because it was all senseless compared to the overwhelming sensation that someone had gouged a hole in the sacred social agreement of right and wrong. Nobody had ever wronged me before in a way that transcended interpersonal grievances. For a senseless, wounded moment I lost all notion of myself in the fabric of society. That sense of loss clarified something of my own actions.

Improper. I was improper. I was often improper.

But I wasn't wrong. I wasn't bad. I didn't do this to people. I shuddered at some righteous sense of justice within me. I didn't deserve this, did I? I deserved improper treatment back, like how Max used to-

Dread lurched to the forefront of my mind. I swayed out my own door, a ghost of myself as I tiptoed to Max's apartment and tried the door. Locked. I knocked. I banged so hard on his door it hurt. Still I battered the wood until my hand went numb. Gone.

Cold claws gripped my heart. Was it both of them?

How stupid could I really be? I could imagine the gruesome relish on Max's face when even his warnings couldn't keep me away. How he must be laughing now, how they both must be laughing. He even told me to my face he loved watching men get what they deserved.

I must have deserved this then.

I drifted back to my bed, shaking and unsure if I'd cry or shout or throw things around.

I opened my mouth to howl at the world but instead crashed back against the mattress, silent and stunned. I lay there for a time, a frenzy of thoughts stormed through my head. I wanted to hurt something. Ralph, myself, Max, anyone. Anything to vent this raging discontent. This heartache. This fear. This torment and pity and anxiety and fury.

The betrayal felt like calculated evisceration. The last six weeks had seen such rapid expansions on everything I thought I was, now I stared at the gristly remains of it. All that passion wasted. It was no fucking wonder Ralph's personality was so impenetrable on our dates. Fuck me, those nights I'd fret over my shoddy sense of masculinity felt so childish now compared to this pain. Bisexual? Is this where understanding my own sexuality had led me?

I growled, as I fell into certainty that my original hesitations around it were there for a reason. In my teenager years I had choice words for faggots, maybe that was for good reason. Anger blazed in my heart and scorched me inside out.

My thoughts became a blackened smear of envisioned violence. I think I genuinely would've lived some of those brutal, bloody fantasies if given the opportunity in that moment.

A knock at my door dragged me from my trance. I stamped over to find Max already standing in my living room. "Everything okay? Your door was-" He grunted as I shoved him back against a wall, a fist raised above my shoulder.

"Where is he?" I spat the words with fury.

Something incredulous rose on his face, he looked about to shout but recognition dawned in his eyes. My anger splintered into shards. My hand fell loose to my side. Shock formed a perfect O on his lips. "No, Jason. No." He muttered as he slipped from my grasp. "Don't. Don't tell me." His eyes darted about my apartment. Regret gathered in a supermassive cluster in my head, which throbbed so hard I nearly lost vision. I couldn't even compare myself to the things I felt seconds ago.

I would never hurt him. It shamed me to even know that I thought I could.

Frustrated tears blotted my eyes, but the whispering of relief rose through me. He was here. He wasn't in on it. I gulped a steadying breath and nearly crushed him in a hug. He cut the embrace short as he searched over my shoulder. I was transfixed by him as he followed my footsteps. He didn't know the arrangement of my belongings so intimately but he visibly flinched at the empty table that once held my laptop.

"Shit." He glanced back at me when he saw the mess of my bedside table.

"Passport, birth certificate, old credit cards. He's got it all." I spoke through a daze. "My fucking undies." Max spun on me and wrapped me in an embrace. I nearly fell over him. I squeezed and squeezed and squeezed and sobbed and shuddered against him. My trust in him had not been mistaken, rather it was usurped by the real danger. Revulsion grew within me as I recalled how willing I was to cast him aside.

It hurt to recognize just how much I had to change, but unlike everything else it was a good pain which almost soothed me by comparison to the rest.

I was snotty by the time I realized he was shaking. I jerked him back by the shoulders to examine him. Stormy eyes glared back at me, like I'd spied something I wasn't meant to see. Though tears didn't actively run from his eyes, his cheeks were just damp enough to prove he'd shed some.

Weirdly, seeing his own hurt brought comfort. I quit my spluttering as I pulled him back into a hug and thumped him on the back. The relief that welled within me brought with it comfort that cleared the smog of dread from my thoughts. Certainty followed. My passion for Max was not wasted. My time with him, my drive to hold his friendship, hell, the entire journey that rounded my sexuality was not wasted. Were he not here now, I may have left that piece of me gouged out. I squeezed him again in my arms, so thankful for his presence.

"If you'd just-" his voice was edged with the frigid tone he often used to chide me. He froze and grunted a heavy breath. I clutched to the warmth of his body and bared myself to his cold words. Anything he was about to say I knew I deserved in the depths of my soul. "If being mean always worked on you, you wouldn't be in this situation," he said instead. There was a mountain of frustration atop his words but it fell aside the longer he spoke. "I warned you," he added numbly as he leant away from the hug. There was no force behind his words, no condemnation.

"In the worst way." The coals of quenched anger glowed in my words.

He let breath stream through his lips. "Yeah," he admitted. "Fuck." The word was filthy with pain. I blinked in the quiet that followed, unsure how much this might hurt him. "You should call the cops," he spoke neutrally but I could tell he ached.

I sighed. "I will." I cast my eyes down. "Don't expect anything will come from it."

"Maybe. He'll be long gone now, slim chance your stuff turns up." He spoke the words bleakly. I'd already figured. It all seemed so helpless. Max paused before he shook his head and laughed despite himself. "At least you're not afraid of saying you're bi on record."

I met his eyes, the mirth in his stare coerced a genuine laugh out of me too. I doubted he knew me so well as to see into the depths of how this crisis hit me, maybe he was making an easy joke but some desperate piece of me chose to believe he affirmed my own sexuality to me as a way of triaging a wound.

He was perceptive, it was entirely possible that was his observant intelligence wielded in kindness instead of for his own bemusement.

I smiled shakily at him and he placed a paw on my chest. "I'm so done with him," he muttered. It sounded so mundane, there was no drama to it but I could tell he meant it. He'd just given up. Ralph wasn't worth the pain or the effort, so he let the black cat go. The ease and certainty with which he released his feelings made it evident to both of us it was a long time coming. He looked humbled by it.

I snorted. "I hope so." Max didn't move his hand. There was something soothing about this moment, his calmness felt like comradery and in a way it was. No doubt this pained him, guilted him. I watched him for clues about how I should be feeling. I still felt I was processing the whiplash of the day. "He got me fired," I added almost nonchalantly.

"Huh?" The snow leopard cocked his head in horror, it only took a moment for him to piece it together. "Ah. When he was at your gym?" There was a surprising amount of peace in his voice, like he wanted me to know he wouldn't hold it against me. Suppose he figured he didn't need to. Ralph had taught me my lesson.

I nodded. "I fucked him three times." Odd how passionate that had once made me feel, now it just felt like wasted energy. Max only nodded at the fact like it was trivia he should've known. "If he fabricated sexual assault do you think he would actually press charges?"

The snow leopard shot me a gross look. "No shot. Zero shot. He's going to vanish after this." His disgust deepened to a frown. "Did he really?"

"Mhm." I grit my teeth at the memory of my boss's expression. That one chafed. That one really chafed. How many people would find out? How many would suspect it was real? Even one was too many. Through the spreading numbness I felt I wanted to smash a hole through the wall. I inspected my fist before I launched the punch.

Max put his paw over mine and halted me. "How's this? You call the cops. I'll grab us some beers. We unwind and commiserate?"

I sighed. "I guess." It sounded hollow but I was thankful.

He wrapped me in a hug. "I feel awful, like I should've-"

"No." I clapped him on the back. "You did a shit job of protecting me or trying to fix him or whatever it was you tried to do." I nudged him back from the hug and turned him towards my door. "I don't need to hear the rest." My hands lingered on his shoulders.

He nodded back at me over a frown. "One thing?" He put a pleading note in his voice. I sighed. "I'm a lot less clever than I thought I was. And that got you hurt, and I'm not-"

I shooed him off. "Get beers, suck my cock and we're even." I folded my arms and stared at him. "I spent weeks going behind your back. I had no need to, you putting him off limits was horseshit but I could've told you. There'd have been drama, but you know that. We're even. I don't care what you say."

I could see him trying to weigh it up, like which grievances could cancel out, which of our regrets might outweigh the others. It was bullshit to me. Had we wronged each other? Sure. I didn't care for a ledger because it all paled before what Ralph had done to me. To both of us, I amended to myself. Doubtless the cat had been trying to fish some vulnerability out of Max this entire time and switched to the easier target.

Or, I stiffened at the thought, he believed me to be Max's vulnerability. And wasn't I? Look at the pain this experience had put him through over the last few weeks. What better way to hurt someone who knew your game than take advantage of the idiot who was too stubborn to heed any warning? I'd shed enough tears for myself, now I wanted to cry for him too.

That realization burned. With a cold eye to the order of today's events I became certain it was true. Ralph had wanted to hurt me, but I wasn't his objective. He'd used me and gambled on a high roll, getting at Max wasn't enough when he could run off with my shit too. He'd sought the highest impact he could make in the short term and succeeded. A spark of rage blazed through me before it dampened once more. I don't think anyone had wanted to hurt me before this.

It was a harrowing experience made worse by the fact I'd spent years finding comfort in my own strength. I'd been too sure of myself.

Getting me fired was plenty bad enough to wound both myself and Max, but Ralph chased it further. If my boss had called me instead of texting me this morning, Ralph never would've made the opening to rob me. The little freak was ballsier than I ever would've guessed. He'd sat through an entire date knowing what awaited me on the other side while he poked at my weakness to get all he could possibly get.

I'd fucked the bastard this morning and he made his passion seem so real. That ached with a nauseating sensation like I'd been socked in the belly.

Regret was carved into Max's face. He'd blame himself, always chasing problems to their roots. He'd see it like all my bullish ignorance and misguided lust was meaningless before his initial lapse in judgement that introduced me to Ralph. Were I full of shame and anger, I might've blamed him too.

Instead, compunction slaughtered my ego.

All that mattered to me now was that we comforted each other. When I intended to keep a friend, I damn well intended to keep them. Max grit his teeth, I could tell words hung like a hairball in his throat but he just shook his head and took a step towards the door. A sudden rise of urgency flew through me.

"You know," I wasn't sure why I decided to tell him now. "I was trying to work out if I could have loved him."

Max cocked his head back towards me. "Yeah?"

"'Spose I could've."

He nodded at that. "Sorry you found out this way."

"Eh." I shrugged. "Hadn't started loving him yet." I shook my head. "Lucky me."

He lingered with a paw on my doorframe. "Is there a reason why you told me that?"

I clicked my tongue. "Dunno. I think... yeah. Dunno."

He grinned at that. "We gotta find you a boy, a normal one this time."

I shrugged. "Maybe." I furrowed my brow. I realised why that felt so important to share. "Max?"

"Yeah?"

"Can you stay while I call the cops? I can drive us to get drinks later." Though I spoke the words plainly, they were pushed out of me by a sense of longing that was anchored in my bones. I was past the point of anger. I was hurt and in no small part afraid, uncertainty spooled before me as I clung to one thing I hoped could be a constant.

He sighed like it was an enormous request. I liked his theatrics when I knew to expect them. He crossed the floor and dragged me to the couch. He wrapped his arms around me without prompting. I put an arm over his back.

"You good?" I asked first.

"Hardly." He rubbed his face into my side. "Trying not to whinge 'cuz I've got it better."

"Hmm." I nuzzled the top of his head. "You can whinge." I think I needed to hear what haunted him so I wouldn't have to look too closely at my own thoughts.

"I feel shit. There's no other word for it. I'm furious at him, at myself. I feel guilty. I feel stupid. So, so stupid because I hate that I try so hard to feel smarter than others." He grimaced.

"Then stop." I pinched his ear.

"Yeah." He drew in a long breath. "Probably won't though."

I snorted in agreement.

"That was why I kept wanting him. We played our stupid games, we- he would impress me in ways that should disgust me and I only wanted to sink to his level and prove I could keep up, maybe even show him I was better." He scrunched up his face. "That sounds a lot worse spoken out loud."

"You are smarter than him." I surprised myself as I kissed him on the forehead. "Or you'd be just as alone as him." I wanted my words to comfort him. I wanted him to ease into my hold and we could sit here for a time in each other's company. I think I needed a dose of tranquillity and warmth to put me back together and do the things I had to do.

The snow leopard breathed heavy through his nostrils, when he exhaled he seemed stronger. "I appreciate the sentiment, but I don't want a horse in that race anymore."

I nodded and kissed him again on the forehead as my fingers stroked softly down his back. He nuzzled against my side and once more we held each other in soulful platonic intimacy.

"Alright," he said eventually. "Time to get your shit together, I'll be mean if I have to."

I looked down on him with a cautious frown. I didn't want to. I felt adrift with no energy to propel myself in the right direction. He was right though, I sighed.

Last time my strength had scattered like this was when Gabbie had broken up with me. All those emotions had coiled within me and demanded I express them then. By comparison, I now felt serene. I'd mastered something of my impulses. Those feelings could exist within me without needing to be lashed out, I could process them and find the right time to express what I had to.

Still, a fresh wound sat over my heart. It felt almost surgical to examine in this mood. I could watch myself flinch back from thoughts of lust and wonder what might become of the gristly scar that would form.

It was empowering in a way, to recognise how much new awareness I had of my emotions. In every other way, it was vigilance brought about by pain. I shuddered at the thought and gripped Max tighter to my chest. He'd understand. He'd help. And I'd do what I could for him too.

For all he wanted to seem smarter than others, I was on the other side of that wheel. I never wanted to seem stupider than others. I'd risen to Ralph's challenge without meaning to and he had taken advantage of the same fault in both of us.

I sucked in a lengthy breath and found the tranquillity I needed.

Faults could be fixed.

Faults would be fixed.

Epilogue

I sat on our sofa, beer in one hand, Max's ass cupped in another. The snow leopard lay against my side, we were both spent but still naked. I sighed contentedly, eyes unfocused on the TV. Our new place was better. In a different rental on a different side of town, it cost more but had enough security to put myself at ease. Over the last half a year we'd upgraded from neighbors to roommates and from fuckbuddies to best friends.

Both happened naturally. My old apartment had made me uneasy. I'd been the victim of a crime and reminders of that only made me feel stupid and weak. It really didn't take long before I spent most nights in Max's bed, he never once complained. But what was apparent to both of us was that his place was too small for the two of us to be living there.

So he told me I should find us a bigger place. I didn't argue why the responsibility of that would come down to me, nor did I ever think it shouldn't. Hell, I even did just about all of the heavy lifting myself during the move.

In return, he coaxed my fear out of me gently. Left to my own devices, it angered me. Pained me. But I didn't need him to tell me that way lay misery. The cops had found Ralph not long after I called. My stuff was nowhere, and he had an alibi prepared. A day of investigations yielded the police all the information they cared to find.

I'd left a key to my apartment under my doormat. This building was too cheap to afford a proper security system. In their eyes I was an idiot, not a victim.

Worse, they'd learned of Ralph's fictitious claim of assault and that set in motion the scariest period of my life. Nothing came of it because he didn't press any charges, but I spent weeks in an anxious funk knowing at any moment something could happen. He drifted away in silence which others mistook for a shame so deep and painful it only proved the truth of his claim. I could never prove my innocence to those who knew.

I'd been so thoroughly played it enraged me even to think about it. But Max knew how to handle that in me. He calmed me and helped me make peace with it. It was a mistake someone with malicious intent coerced me into and I'd been working on truly accepting that. It didn't have to be a big deal, but it had turned what I thought was a gap in my armor into a gaping hole. But Max was helping me cover it.

In my own way, I helped him move on too. Though there was a frigid streak running through him he'd shed his nastiness like a winter coat. To each other, we were proof that we could be better. Our friendship now was as comforting as it was easy.

Though, there was still some confusion on my behalf. "Is there a reason we're not dating?" I asked him for the sixth time in as many months. "We're like ninety percent of the way there already." I watched him closely, convinced I wouldn't mind whatever he said. The patterns of our lifestyle often left me to wonder about us.

"Because you're still not my type." He smirked. "But your view of romance is cuter than I expected." His smirk faded. "Admittedly, in some ways that really matter," he added, his voice quieter.

Heat rushed to my cheeks. "Tell me what that means." I prodded for an explanation, but he wouldn't give one.

"Means I'll let you know if my standards slip." He patted my cheek, then frowned like he didn't understand his own words. "You're too warm for me, I think," he clarified. "Too sensitive too, I'll only hurt you when I need distance." He spoke the words like they'd prove his point but I only tilted my head.

"You don't need any distance from me though." I shot him an odd look. In the months we'd been living together we'd never even come close to a fight. We disagreed plenty, but there was fun in that too. Frustration between us only meant aggressive sex, something I'd grown fond of in either position.

"You couldn't be more wrong." He snickered. "And I'd need more if we were dating." His smirk deepened. "And I'd bet you'd want it too." He sounded so sure, so certain. I disagreed, but couldn't find a way to word it convincingly.

"Whatever." I shrugged like it didn't bother me. "It just feels hard to know, like what if?" I gestured mystifyingly with my hands.

He draped an arm across my shoulders as he tutted. "Alright." He grabbed my ear with the hand behind my head and stared into my face. "Here's what I reckon. You can have your what if, if when it falls apart you can admit you ruined a good thing."

I frowned. His eyes told me he knew I'd never admit it. "Or?"

"Or you could stop querying me like you need to know if I'm your future before you commit." He sighed. "Go put yourself out there and make yourself happy. Comfort's easy, that isn't."

I harrumphed. "On one condition."

He raised an eyebrow at me.

"You have to do it too."

He scowled, but there was good humor in it. "You cunt." He loosed an overdramatic sigh, then raised his paw. His hand felt cold in mine. "Deal." We shook on it and fell silent as a local news report started playing on the TV. It covered some happenings, a faire, the markets, the movements and doings of our local politicians.

The final segment sent a jolt through both of us.

Ralph's mugshot flashed on the screen alongside a rugged bear. The headline 'Partners in Crime' sent an echo of rage storming through me. Max lunged for the remote, I caught his wrist before he could turn it off. We stared, transfixed. He'd been busy in the last six months. Three different reports, a school principal. A businessman. A lawyer. Far loftier marks than Max or I. None of the men appeared on the segment, preferring their anonymity and while the report was fairly loose on the details it felt all too familiar. Seduction and theft.

But he'd been caught again, his sentence was only three years.

"Only three?" I scowled. My stolen belongings had never been found. There'd been a fraud attempt a couple months back which petered out when my bank got involved. Ralph was too flighty to fight any resistance he couldn't manoeuvre around.

"Just turn it off." Max redoubled his efforts for the remote. I let him take it. We stared mutely at the empty screen. Max flopped against me with a hefty sigh. His feelings about the cat were far more complex than my own. It had hounded him in ways I was still learning to recognize, they'd been together for years and so much of Max's self-esteem had come undone six months ago.

He was distrustful of quiet people. He kept his distance from any intellectual challenge and was so quick to point out when he thought someone was making a mistake. The idea of meeting new people with romantic intentions made him distant. But, he trusted my attempts to make headway on any of his issues the same way I'd let him poke and prod at parts of me that were worth reconsidering.

For me, the further in the past Ralph's seduction of me was, the easier it was for me to forget him. Max avoided all reminders of him carefully. It made him ashamed. Made him remember the stupidest things he'd ever done.

"That bear was the one," Max snarled. "I tried to make Ralph think he got him locked up." He cursed and slapped a hand on the armrest of the couch. "I'm so fucking stupid." He rubbed his hands against his muzzle and headbutt my chest with more force than I think he meant.

I sighed and thumped him on the back. "It's all proof you shouldn't be that way." My voice was weak. It was a hollow platitude, I was too stunned to think of anything else to say.

"I just led him back to trouble." He buried his face under my arm, his body was tense as he snarled again.

"He is the trouble." I edged those words with damning certainty.

Max stilled. Silence fell between us for a drawn out moment. He pulled himself away from me eventually, his eyes were edged pink. "Something has to change," he muttered.

I was about to say something when he rolled in my lap and snatched my phone off of the armrest. He sat against my chest with my phone in easy view. He tapped my pin in without any hesitation. I knew he knew it, it didn't bother me. But it did strike me how easily he recalled it.

I held my tongue until he went to the app store and downloaded a popular dating app. It touted the best results for helping you match up with just the right person. "This is only fair if I get to do yours." I bumped my snout against the back of his head. He pursed his lips, his whiskers swished from side to side as he thought.

"One app each?" he asked, already downloading more. Neither of us were strangers to this game.

"I guess."

He opened the first app. "Boys or girls?"

"Both." I spoke with certainty. It wasn't something I'd told him, but I'd made that decision a while back. If ever I put myself out there again, I'd do so openly.

He drew in a self-satisfied breath and grinned at me. "Such a good girl." He spoke warm enough to send a flush to my cheeks that riddled my thoughts with longing. I laughed and picked up his phone. I didn't know his pin but it was no issue for me to grab his wrist and yank it towards the screen to unlock it with a fingerprint. He glared at me like this was somehow worse than how he'd gotten into my phone, but he didn't fight it.

It felt mischievous to craft his profile, each line could be tucked full of subtle digs at each other and in-jokes that might seem normal. Still, I made an earnest attempt at making him seem fun and interesting. When we traded our phones back to each other, I glanced at the profile he'd made for me. It was all brawn, sex and fitness.

"You make me sound like a meathead." I squinted at him. He laughed.

"I was trying to attract someone who'd fit you." He stared at his own profile. "This is cringe," he proclaimed and shook his head, but made no move to change anything. He was trying to hide a slight grin. I snorted. We both switched to the list of suggested profiles at the same time. He made a tired sound. I laughed out loud.

We were at the top of each other's lists. He turned to me with a pitying look on his face. "I bet it's just proximity." There was an edge of disbelief in his voice. I met his stare. He frowned.

He had that look in his eye, like something was out of order. Like there was something he was too certain of to think about another way. In his own way, he could be as stubborn as I was.

"What was that you said?" My grin widened. "Comfort's easy, this isn't?"

He raised an eyebrow as I put a hand on his cheek. Like melting ice, his eyes slowly softened as he leant in to kiss me first.