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"Good morning." I squinted at the source of this unwelcome sound. "Ahem. I said, good morning!" A purple unicorn was right there, and a tiny dragon.

Yesterday, I had had some time to orient myself. Today I wasn't so lucky. "I suppose it is. Who are you?"

"I am Twilight Sparkle, princess Celestia's student, and this is my assistant, Spike. I am here to exchange knowledge of all sorts with you."

She said 'exchange', but I did most of the answering that day. The detailed circumstances of my arrival in Equestria. An overview of world history, with a little extra focus on Algeria, the kingdoms of the elephants and rhinoceroses, and my own home of the United States. A bit about science, glancing off of my specialty of computational evolutionary theory (well, I'd done my senior thesis on that, anyway). They seemed to have a late 19th century level of science and technology. Oddly, very little appeared to be mass-produced.

Late morning, Rarity returned to fetch her things and go; I thanked her, and she thanked me. Spike thanked her, too, for nothing in particular. Twilight Sparkle thanked her for getting on the road, and I thanked Twilight Sparkle for the idea of taking a walk. On the way, I composed a message for the residents of Ponyville, thanking them for their hospitality, calling out individuals I remembered, and declaring my intent to return that way. Gratified, Rarity promised to deliver it, and we parted without further thanking anyone.

"Sounds like a nice town." Twilight Sparkle said ("With her in it, it must be.", commented Spike)

"It is, even relatively speaking. I heard that the next summer sun celebration will be held there."

"Oh! That's this weekend, and it's going to be one of the biggest - it's the thousandth year in our calendar."

"So I heard. By the way, do you know what happened a thousand years ago, that the calendar is based around?"

Twilight Sparkle blinked. "Aside from it being the first summer sun celebration? No, but now that you point it out, I guess there would be something. I'll ask princess Celestia when... Oh! I'm nearly late!" I had the impulse to follow her, but she could gallop faster than I can run. To my surprise, after a few minutes, I was summoned to the princess as well.

She was in a solarium, with Twilight Sparkle on a cushion at her right hand, and rhinoceros in a wide-brimmed hat and lumpy dress at her left. Now, this rhinoceros was a bit on the small side for a rhinoceros, but even sitting she was nearly as tall as me, which left her substantially taller than the princess even with the princess on a dais, and she positively towered over Twilight Sparkle.

Some pony at the entrance announced me, and withdrew. I bowed.

Celestia murmured, "Welcome again. You may sit with us." When I'd complied, she continued, "I believe you have not met Macidexia."

That name hit me like a brick. The plaques had claimed she was dead, but I'd be a fool to trust them. "Macidexia! What an interesting name. Is it common?"

The huge eyelids lowered slightly. "There has never been another Macidexia." That settled that. "I have heard of this United States of yours. A far-off kingdom," (at that I nearly choked) "with delusions of grandeur. Takes a side on everything. If it hadn't been for your ill-considered alliance with the elephants..." she let the implication drift.

I drew myself up. "There are certainly elements of our foreign policy I do not approve of, but our friendship with the Elephants is not among them. And we are hardly unfriendly with the rhinoceroses, you must admit."More like barely-mutually-aware.

"Peh. We do not need friends like you."

Princess Celestia, who had been listening with interest, cut in. "Macidexia, remember about bitterness."

The rhino recited, "Bitterness distracts, consumes, weakens. Replace it with resolve. Leave it behind with new aims. Grow out of it with lessons learned."

Princess Celestia went on, "Twilight Sparkle has had all day to speak with our guest. Do you have any questions?"

The rhino shifted. "No."

"Then would you prepare the tea? I would like to ask some questions myself."

Macidexia focused on her horns, producing an olive glow. A nearby tea-set floated up and over to a samovar. Leaves floated into to each cup, and hot water poured in. Macidexia was panting with effort as the cups floated back; the last landed with a slight bump in front of Celestia.

Celestia raised an eyebrow, saying, "Are you feeling well? You do not usually strain at that." Macidexia did not reply, but merely sighed very deeply and plumped her pillow, kicking up some dust.

Celestia took a sip. "As I was saying, Omar, ah... choo!" Golden sparkles burst from her horn. "My apologies. Omar, one thing that Macidexia related to me is your humans' comparative lack of magical abilities." She took a moment to stifle another sneeze, and took a bigger drink to settle it. Then she proceeded as if nothing were occurring. "None of you can fly, or use magic at all without tools."

"We are not naturally connected to it, no. We have looked into it, though, and understand" (ah-choo!) "some elements of it. We mainly make tools using the nonmagical natural laws. Some of these tools have become quite popular with the speaking animals. This includes tools that allow us to fly, even as far as the moon."

Celestia frowned. "Really? What did you find there?"

"Rock. A lot of rock. Spent a few days exploring each time, had to come back."

Celestia seemed aghast at first, until I realized she was rearing up for a collossal sneeze. She turned her head to the ground and blasted one out, the sparks from her horn left a golden haze in the air. "My, we must get that pillow cleaned... ah-choo!" This was smaller, but it added noticeably to the haze. "Anyway, your moon is not our moon. That much is clear. Excuse me." She stood up, but couldn't take a step without being bothered.

"Princess!" Twilight Sparkle put in, "Maybe we should step outside."

"Ye-CHOO!" She was driven back to her knees by the force of it, and the haze became so thick that I could no longer clearly see her. The hairs on my arms stood on end, and little lightning bolts began bursting out around her, sounding like a BB gun. "Help."

Twilight Sparkle rushed to Princess Celestia's side, focused for a moment, the tip of her horn glowing bright, and they vanished.

Macidexia laughed. "Well, little human. What do you think?" If there had been any doubt that this was no accident, her tone erased it.

"I think you've bitten off more than you can chew, again."

"What makes you say that? The princess is bleeding her magic away. In a few minutes she'll be harmless for weeks even if they can cure it, and the rest of her forces are no match for my minions. I know their defenses, and who's to stop me? You and your USA? The elephants?" She laughed. "You and your NIH and your NSF. If you were trying to stop me, well, it's too late now."

My funding agencies? Does she think I'm with the CIA or something? D'oh! "Oh, no, no. No." Crap. This is... well, not exactly my fault, but I did precipitate matters. The least I can do is sow confusion. "Hardly. When I return - or if I don't - we will be all over you. Good luck with that."

"What? Impossible!" Her front horn glowed olive and she said, "Try lying now!"

I suddenly had to word things very carefully - something was keeping me from simply lying like I just had. "No one has a higher rank of nobility from the United States than I do." (score one for the US constitution and her ignorance of it) "I know how I got here, and so do my contacts back in the land of the elephants." (though only vaguely and unreliably) "If you stop now, you can avoid appearing in front of the International Criminal Court." (And of course she can avoid appearing there if she doesn't stop, too)

Macidexia harrumphed, then laughed.

I didn't notice anything at the time, but of course, that was in the magic - for a part of her spell made me honestly believe each thing I had just said by its more straightforward meaning.

"If you know one thing about rhinoceroses, it's that we're stubborn. Controlling Rataxes was the hardest thing I've ever tried. Today, I haven't had to even exert myself. I'm not afraid of anything the U.S. would bring here. It's not like you could get an Icy Beam in here, or would if you could." Icy beam? ... ICBM. True enough, we couldn't, and wouldn't. "So I'm going to let you go, and tell them not to even bother. Watch."

The door slammed open, and six armored guards strode in - two pegasi, two unicorns, and two chunky earth ponies, all severe. As the two unicorns' horns lit up, one of the pegasi took off and said, "Macidexia, you are under arrest for assault on princess Celestia. If... oof!"

Out of nowhere, a flying green goblin creature had tackled the pony. All around, these and stranger, dreamlike creatures leapt from shadows too deep for such a bright room, and charged. The ponies fought bravely, but were compelled to retreat.

I took the opportunity to join them. More ghosts and spectres were crawling out and about, and behind me, the retreat became a rout. Ponies fled the palace by every exit, a rush at first, but then fewer and fewer. Oddly, the spectres did not pursue beyond the palace grounds.

I did not need to ask where Princess Celestia was - a nearby tower was emitting lightning bolts of increasing severity, and leaking a golden haze. Wondering how she was doing, and thinking that I was a state department official, I ran to it, along with some of the guards.

As we approached, Twilight Sparkle backed out of the door, her horn glowing fiercely as she shielded herself from the lightning bolts. She turned, dashed down the long spiral ramp, and was struck, knocking her off her feet. She didn't get up right away, so two guards and I rushed forward to help. Lightning struck the two guards as well, but I was able to get through, help Twilight Sparkle to her feet, and guide her down and away.

"Oooh." She shook and cleared her head. "Omar, the lightning seemed to avoid you. Even in the palace, it was only going for me, not you or Macidexia. Can you go up and see? If it starts hitting you, come right back down. I'll get Spike, too. If Macidexia made it pony-seeking..."

I looked up at the building. The golden fog was building up. "I... guess so."

I tentatively started up. At first I was nervous, but I saw that she was right: the lightning was reaching out and zapping ponies standing around the house, but aside from a weak static feeling on my arm-hair, I was untouched. I walked up into the fog, and eventually heard sneezing, and groaning. The fog made me nervous, so I held fast to the side of the house so as not to fall off the edge of the ramp. The door finally came up, and felt my way in. My hair, short as it was, now stood entirely on end.

I walked into the room, and nearly tripped over Celestia, sprawled across the floor. A sneeze nearly impaled my leg on her horn. She tried to collect herself, and said, "Omar... tell Twilight Sparkle... ah-aaah-sigh... to forget about..." a collossal sneeze erupted (I will omit further mentions of the dozen additional sneezes that interrupted this scene). "... this. Do her homework."

"What?"

"I said, she must do her homework. And she must make some friends."

"Umm, your highness, are you dying?"

A short laugh. "No. Over the next few days, she cannot afford to let Macidexia distract her. She must do her homework and make some friends. Can you tell her?"

"I can, but she won't be happy."

Princess Celestia grew somewhat cross. "Her princess commands it. No excuses, no delay, and no hints. Go."

I ventured down the ramp, and met Spike halfway up. He said, "How is she?"

"Not good. I have a message for Twilight Sparkle. I think it would be best if you got the message too."

"The same message? Don't you have it?"

"You'll understand when you have the message."

"Huh." He continued up, and I down.

Twilight Sparkle was pacing back and forth as I emerged from the fog; upon seeing me, she ran forward a little, but shied from a near-miss lightning strike.

I came clear before I answered her questioning - "What is it? How is she?"

"She is lucid. She... she told me to tell you that Macidexia is not your concern. She specifically commanded you to ignore her and focus on your homework and making some friends."

"You call that lucid?"

"She was very firm, and as collected as could be expected under the circumstances."

Twilight Sparkle said, "You must have misheard her. I'm her top student, the next most magical pony around. Who else can banish those creatures and deal with that poisoning witch? I'm not leaving the palace gr... eep."

I turned and found an officer of the guard staring at her very severely. "I'm sure we can handle this, little sister."

She fumed. "Yes, I suppose you can, maybe."

"And I'm equally sure that she is not simply trying to protect you."

"Do my homework? And make friends? Are you serious?"

Spike came up, huffing, and Twilight Sparkle rushed him. "Spike! You tell me what she really said."

"Well... Princess Celestia said we should go to Ponyville and not return for one week."

"Should, or..."

"Must. And also, you are to do your homework and make some friends."

Twilight Sparkle threw back her head and cried out, "Aaargh! Fine. I'll get my books. Spike?"

She dashed off, and Spike waddled after. The guard looked to me for a moment. "You appear to be our only contact with the Princess. We are preparing some scrolls for you to bring her. With these, she can relay messages to us through you, safely."

"She can't write in her condition, can she?"

"You'll see." So I brought up the scrolls. Princess Celestia read them with interest, and told me a few code words to tell the guard captain. I paused. "Princess, I have no trouble continuing to help this way, but there is something else I have to offer, that may be more useful."

Her eyes told me to go on.

"I am authorized to forge an alliance between Equestria and the United States of America." I've read that once an unsupportable belief is lodged in your mind, you can invent just about anything to justify it. Being under mind control doesn't help.

"So soon?"

"We tend to start more friendly rather than less, and look very negatively on coups and invasions."

After an especially long bout of sneezing, princess Celestia panted until she recovered, then said, "Your kind have very weak magic. How would you deal with this?"

"I have no idea." If I had had one, I'm sure I would have stuck my foot in my mouth. Maybe that would have been for the best.

Celestia went on, "We can handle it next week. Go."

I turned to go, but took a last look. She was in terrible shape, shivering, tears forced from her eyes by the shockwaves of her more powerful sneezes.

I fled a particularly powerful one, and delivered the message to the captain.