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For as long out as I can remember, I've never felt this close to cracking To fucking things up, doing a terrible job and hoping that I'm sent packing From the military, from success, from people in general I've never felt so useless

Through what were the four most miserable years of my life Seventh through tenth grade, verbally stabbed with a knife I thought I could handle just about anything now But I never felt this deserted

Yeah, I have family at home I can call, but they're seven hours behind me I have to time my calls and hope the internet works and doesn't straight up blindside me We all converse as a crew, at least those who get constantly shit on do But every day I'm constantly ignored

Last week I thought I had escaped this dump, supposedly working in another building Away from the cumulating stress of this hell, my nearly broken resolve refueling Yet, after one day, they play with emotions, bringing me back here I've never felt so imprisoned

My dreams are becoming far more vivid, far more relevant, far more disturbing Visions of me running away back to Monterey and simply never fucking returning Or breaking completely with nowhere to run, ruining myself in my pain I've never been this afraid of my mind

Writing feels as if it's the only true solace I have, a forum to vent in the extreme I can call out each and every one of these bastards and be more than acceptably obscene Fuck you first sergeant, fuck you squad leader, fuck you and you and you Barely controlled lividity and infuriation

My mental barriers are weakening, my emotional strength receding, akin to Berlin's Wall Situations, just like the people they metaphorically stand for, will eventually cause it to fall I feel both dread and relief at the notion that this day is steadily approaching Never wanted vengeance this terribly bad

I'm not contemplating infliciting physical pain, but to see their faces when I call them all out Like God himself, reading off a list of every one of their failures

Fuck that verse, can't find a way to end it, but re-editing it sounds like I'm cheating They are words I want to put out and to erase them feels as if I'm defeating The whole purpose of why I'm writing, oozing my pain Not sure how many wounds or blood it consists of

I'm here, at least I can say that much, but for how much longer, I'm not sure. I could get a passport, plan an escape, fulfill my departure from the torture But that would require motivation, that would require a drive And I have no inspiration to find where they left me

Thirty-three more months before I'm finally out, yeah, I won't last that long Getting through this sounds similar to lifting a truck and I'm just not that strong I tell myself just to push through the stretch, just another half year to go But my confidence in that is gone

So, yeah, I'm here subsisting, existing, but no longer resisting this mess Today, we have a sensing session with mental health that I will put to the test They say there will be no repercussions, I don't believe it, but I'll take it It's time they hear the truth

Maybe this is the reason I'm fluent with the words, able to express myself through literature Able to crisscross melodies on Microsoft Word, to read them up a picture They're going to hear it from me today, a speech written with venomous tact More than ready to accept the consequences

The leadership is either in denial or just stupid or just lazy as all fuck This unit a waste of the Army's money, full of misfits and black muck Yeah, I'm covered in tar now, so just go ahead and feather me Fact is I don't have a shit left to give

I'm done getting stabbed in the back, done being sweet talked into submission There are soldiers around me constantly being pierced like a pin cushion I will stand up for them and I will stand up for myself Leadership can choose to spit or swallow

I'm done here, fuck everyone, unless I told you before that I care about your wellbeing.