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So... Friday... the day that nobody could take seriously after Raybecca Black released that horrible titular song that shat on the internet. That considered, I suppose Friday was a fitting day for my life to end up shitting itself so hard its bowels came out. That is to say, I had a really shittyBAD Friday. I'm sure you're all eager to hear the juicy details, just let me get the boring exposition crap STUFF out of the way first...

Everything started off as an unsuspecting dull school day (though I did get back my psych test which I got an A on, fuck yeah!): go to class, say hi to some friends in the hallways, class, eat an overpriced school lunch, back to class, that sort of thing. And then something good actually happened (weird, I know right?): we won our home football game against one of our rival schools, Becksville High. Oh, not to mention I had some of the sweetest punts all season this game... although that naturally was accompanied by some congratulatory ass slaps by Scott... pheh... But regardless, it was after school that things started to slowly... go downhill... yeah.

For starters, you'll need to know that ever since Scott got his driver's license last year, not only did he start driving me to school (and thank god he did because the bus driver I had nearly crashed the bus on a regular basis), but we developed this tradition along with Chris and Jayce of heading out for burgers after our football games. So for this week's celebration the four of us decided to head to the local Burger joint called Greasy Burger (I have no fucking clue what the owners were on when they named their restraint Greasy Burger, but their burgers are reaaaaalllly fucking good, if a bit, well, greasy) as we've been doing for the past couple of weeks in Scott's new white sports car, WHICH HE WOULDN'T SHUT UP ABOUT FOR THE ENTIRE RIDE THERE.

Sorry going off on a tangent here, but this needs to be said. I mean, Scott's got a pretty sweet body CAR, yeah, but I don't know shit about cars, so when he's blabbing on about how awesome the rims are and how much horsepower it has I always just find myself nodding my head and going 'Yes Scott, I totally know exactly what you're talking about! Those are definitely desirable attributes to have in a car! Oh wow, your dick is so big!'... Oh wait, not that last part.

Anyway... nothing too exciting happened in the restaurant, except that in a typical case of boys be boys, Scott ended up flirting with the female poodle working the cashier who was 'hot as fawk' (course a gay boy panther like me wouldn't really know much about that), even though HE HAS A GIRLFRIEND. But I didn't stop him. I mean, I can't help it if my best friend is a ho. Gotta let 'em be what they wanna be, right? Down with slut shaming!

So we all ended up ordered burgers that were way too fucking big for one person to eat, because this is AMURICA dammit! And we ate Scott's car while whistling at hot girls who passed by, showing off our manly varsity letter jackets to them. And then we had a manly conversation about things like FOOTBALL, HOT CHEERLEADERS IN SHORT SKIRTS, MORE FOOTBALL, CALL OF HONOR, MEDAL OF DUTY, EVEN MORE FOOTBALL, GETTING DRUNK, AMURICA, FUCK YEAH!!!!!

Okay not really. I mean, we were eating in the Greasy Burger parking lot in Scott's car, Scott in the driver's seat, me in shotgun, Chris and Jayce in back), but we didn't whistle at any (presumably) hot women who walked by, and our conversation went something more like... oh, hold on a sec.

Initializing non-omnipotent narrative in three, two, one...

"Guys, can we take a moment to talk about what an awesome substitute QB I was? I think we should take up voodoo so Alistair's back never heals!" Scott said as took a big bite out of his triple stack Baconator spiced up with extra grease and fat. Being an inappropriate polar bear as always, Scott was sitting sideways in the driver's seat like a total slouch, but he was Scott Fenton so he could do whatever stupid shit he wanted and still be swag as fuck.

"Yeah Scott, you're great in whatever position you do!" Chris said with a big earnest smile on his muzzle, as he himself took a big honking bite of his Four Horsemen Burger.

Ah yes, Chris: one of those guys I sometimes mention but haven't given a proper introduction to yet. Better get that out of the way. Let's see... how does one describe the entity that is Christian Zwicker? Well for starters, he's the kind of wolf you'd expect to be in school plays, not football games. He's really short, five foot five, kind of lean, smooth silky grey fur, has wavy but always well-kept blonde hair and a pierced ear, loves alternative rock, really peppy and exuberant with a constantly wagging tail, and a bit of a tendency to get overly emotional at things. Oh, and he's got these eyes that are like, freakishly blue, and I mean like anime blue here; they freaked me out the first time I saw him. Basically he's cute as fuck, and I mean that as in cute-sy adorable sense, not as in 'hot'; he's just not butch enough to be my type, just a personal preference thing. Plenty of chicks dig his cute-boy persona.

And to be honest, and I know this is stereotyping here because he's sort of feminine, but I've always figured that Chris was gay... I've never asked him though, nononono. Chris once told me that he joined the football team so guys at school would stop picking on him, and considering all the time people have called him homophobic slurs, it would just be too awkward of a conversation for me to stomach, especially if he got offended. The thing was, his plan to join the football team only stopped the bullying a bit, and it wasn't until he became friends with Scott that he stopped being bullied altogether, because Scott's like, mister popular at school and nobody fucks his friends except him... er, I said 'fucks with' there, right? ...Was I going somewhere with this? Oh yeah, Scott helped him out a ton by being friends with him so he sticks with him like glue! That's where I was going!

Anyway, a big ol' smug grin found its way on Scott's muzzle when he heard Chris' comment. "That's what she said..." he said with a blatant amusement as if it weren't like the ten thousandth time he's made that joke.

Jayce, however, seemed to have something of a dissenting opinion. "Awesome? Scott, you've done nothing but abuse your power as QB since you got it! We almost lost because of that stupid gimmick play you made us do."

Welp, while I'm giving descriptions of people I haven't properly introduced yet, I might as well give it a go for Jayce too. The first thing that anyone notices with Jayce (despite being an iguana) is that he's really tall at six foot four, although he tends to get annoyed when people bring it up too much. But other than height, he's got a slightly muscular but mostly lean build, rough leaf-green skin with an olive-green underbelly and dewlap (the creepy flap thing Iguanas have), and is the only guy on the team to wear glasses, which I'm totally okay with, because paired with his preference for collared shirts, his glasses finish off his 'hot studious guy' sort of look. And to be fair, well, he sort of is a hot studious guy. Jayce is one of the smartest guys in all of our school; he's generally no-nonsense and tends to take things way too seriously, which is funny considering he has some really goofy/nerdy hobbies, like Magic: The Collective and Realm of Warquest. And yeah, like I said, he's pretty hot but not quite up there with Scott, because while physically he's very attractive, he just doesn't have the swag (Okay, I need to stop using that word) to carry it to the next level.

The funny thing is that, despite the fact Jayce's personality seems to mix with Chris' as well as my dick in a vagina OIL IN WATER, and the fact that they always argue or compete with each other, they're actually really good friends, going back to elementary school from what I can gather.

"Gimmick?" Scott said in a voice of feigned offense. "I'll have you know that 'The Ezio' is a time-honored play passed down by several generations of Italy's finest football players slash part time assassins!"

Yeah uh, Scott sort of named a play after the main character of 'Creed of the Assassin". He has a thing for violent video games...

Jayce rolled his eyes as if what Scott said was the dumbest thing in the world, which, ehhh it sort of was. "It's a viral video on Utube! Everyone has seen it! That's why it didn't work! Not to mention the referee could just penalize if they saw it as an unsportsmanlike play!" the iguana said before taking a reasonably sized bite out his double-whammy veggie burger, making extra sure that the grease didn't drip anywhere (don't ask me how they managed to make a veggie burger greasy).

Hearing Jayce's serious comment, Chris made a giggling noise while he was still gulping down his soda to temper down the spiciness of his Four Horsemen Burger (Despite what I might have said about Chris earlier, that kid has some serious balls for ordering a Four Horsemen Burger. That shit is spicier than Paris Gilton's volcanic snatch), and then playfully poked at Jayce's left cheek. "Oh lighten up Jayce, we still won didn't we? What's wrong with having a little extra fun every once in a while?"

"Stop that," was Jayce's curt reply as he grabbed Chris' poking finger, and pushed it back at him. Chris just grinned at Jayce's serious behavior, and stuck is tongue out at him in a cute, playful fashion.

"Now as I was saying... you have a responsibility as the replacement quarterback to try and lead our team to victory with integrity which supersedes your childish desires to blah blah blah ethics blah blah blah responsibility blah blah blah smega..."

Buzz buzz

Oh, that was probably my phone, thank god. As I took my phone out from my jeans I immediately tuned out from Jayce's discourse on the ethics of football plays and smiled like giddy schoolgirl when I saw that it was from Daren. The text read:

Hey hot stuff, whatchya doin? ;)

My heart nearly skipped a beat when I saw that winkey smiley face. I suddenly imagined Daren winking at me with that sexy grin of his... naked. And ah fuck, now I'm all horny again... Winkey smiley faces are a powerful tool, kids.

Just getting some post-game burgers with Scott and some guys on the team. We won a close game so I'm feeling pretty good. What about you? :)

Sadly, I didn't have the charisma to pull off one of those winkey smiley faces... oh, the shame...But I was pretty sure my ineptitude in the sophisticated art of emoticons wasn't a deal-breaker for Daren, as he was fast to reply as always.

Nothin in particular. Just wanted to see what my favorite dorky panther was up to. Oh yea, btw ur mom wants you to come home soon. :P

I become intensely aware of my blinking when I processed Daren's text.

...What the fuck. WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK? How did my mom get a hold of him? Why didn't she just text me herself? I'm twelve and what is this I don't even... I was going to reply and try to pry for some answers, but before I could think of a proper response, my thought process was interrupted by Scott's voice, which happened to be stuffed with dead feral cow at the time.

"Yo, Robbeh, you sextin (yes, he said SEXting) yor secrut gurlfrend dat you still wunt tell me schit about?" I really wish that he would just finish chewing his food before talking, but thankfully there weren't any errant flying chunks of chewed meat landing on me as he spoke, which HAS happened before.

"None of your business..." I said snappily, irritated by the distraction. Was it Daren or Mom who found the other...? Secretly intruding on my dating life is definitely something Mom would find entertaining, but how did she even find out who Daren was... Did she even find out?

Scott didn't seem to take my dismissive response too well. "Well pardon me for taking an interest in what you were doing," he said, sounding surprisingly upset with me, eyebrows furrowed and scowling. He even fixed his posture and sat back up in his exceptionally stylish black leather seat.

I didn't think with how casual our friendship was that he'd take offense to a comment like that... My ears folded down as I turned my paws upwards in apologetic exasperation. "Oh come on Scott, you know I didn't mean it like tha-"

"AHA" Scott yelled as he snatched my phone from my unsuspecting paws.

Oh my god... he used an overstated reaction to make me drop my guard so he could exploit my distinctly not cat-like reflexes and steal my phone, and I feel for it hook line and sinker. Goddammit I wish my brain could process things faster than a Windows 97 PC... "You sneaky bastard..." I said through gritted teeth as I glowered at Scott, my words full of malice and spite and all those sorts of good things.

Scott wasted no time pulling up Daren's contact information while having the biggest shit-eating grin of triumph on his muzzle that just made me want to puke. But sadly for him, he was about to get severely disappointed. "Let's see... no picture uploaded... no other info written... her name is... 'Tsundere'?"

The jocky polar bear looked back at Jayce and Chris to see if they recognized the name, but Chris just shrugged, while Jayce raised a scaly eyebrow in amusement. That probably meant that he got the joke. He then directed his attention to me, evidently confused. "Who the fuck is Tsundere?"

"It's a codename in case a certain snoopy polar bear happened to steal my phone for a look, jackass," I said angrily, forcefully repossessing my phone from Scott's greasy paw. 'Course that wasn't actually true; I just thought it would be hilarious to have Daren's contact name be labeled 'Tsundere' for, you know, obvious reasons...

Scott scrunched his lips to the side in disappointment. "Damn... there goes my fullproof plan..." But it wasn't long before his look of disappointment was replaced with a sly grin. He directed his gaze back to Chris and Jayce. "Jaycee, Chrissy, who do you guys think Robby's secret lady is? I bet it's his sister... she's got a pretty hot goth-girl look going on. And you know what they say about tigresses... feisty in bed."

What the fuck Scott...

"Noo!" I blurted out, disgust thick in my voice. "A: I'm not attracted to her in the slightest and B: fuck you!" I swear to god, it's always only children like Scott who seem to think that incest is hot. Anyone who actually had a brother or sister would know that your siblings are some of the last people on the planet that you'd want to bone... me and Ann, ugh... I feel unclean just thinking about it. But I guess a disgusted reaction was what Scott was looking for, because he had a huge amused grin on his muzzle like the smug dickwad he was... I swear, he can be such a prick sometimes... and not the good kind.

Much to my dismay, Chris was very eager to pitch in his idea, his uncomfortably blue eyes lighting up as he shared his completely plausible guess as to whom I was dating. Note the use of sarcasm there. "Well I bet he's dating a world famous supermodel, or maybe even a princess! One who tries to keep their relationship a secret, so the limelight of society doesn't sweep away Rob's ordinary life under its feet. But their secrecy can only last so long... Soon their secret is found out, and in an act of self-sacrifice, Rob's girlfriend immediately breaks up with him to spare him the pain of being watched by the world's hungry eyes, only for the two of them to be reunited several weeks later, when they realize that what matter is how they value their relationship, not the world! Ahh... how beautiful," Chris said dreamily, giving a romantic sigh at the end of his fantasy, clasping both paws together and resting the side of his muzzle against them, only to then start sucking down on his soda straw when he remembered his tongue was on fire.

...Is this kid's hobby to think up of crazy contrived romance scenarios for me to be put into? Because I swear, there's already somebody who does that for me.

Scott gave a few exaggerated blinks upon hearing Chris' wild fantasy while Jayce just facepalmed. I sympathized with Jayce. My facial reaction was sort of in the realm of 'Are you fucking serious' and 'Where do you come up with this shit?!'

Scott eventually seemed to have formed a complete opinion on the story. "...Yeah, yeah I could see that!" he said with a few affirmative nods, which I couldn't help but roll my eyes at. You vex me, polar bear...

Jayce's opinion of the theory was a little bit less fucking stupid, which he would have voiced earlier if it weren't for him chewing on the last bite of his veggy burger. "Are you kidding me?" the iguana said with a claw raised up in the air, dubious eyes directed at Scott. "Chris' theory is somehow even less plausible than yours. And that's saying something..."

When Chris drained the last bit of his soda, he responded to Jayce's condescending remark with an embellished tsk. "Well Jayce, if you're so insightful, why don't you tell the group your guess as to Rob's girlfriend?"

Jayce rolled his eyes in exasperation and gave a noncommittal shrug, clearly disinterested in the topic. "I dunno, maybe he's being secretive about her because he's actually dating a guy and just wants to keep it a secret?"

...

...

...

FUCK YOU JAYCE!!! FUCK YOU SIDEWAYS AND UP EVERY OPENING IN YOUR BODY!! HOW DO YOU DO THAT!? HOW THE FUCK DO YOU ALWAYS KNOW WHAT I'M TRYING TO HIDE?! ARE YOU FUCKING PSYCHIC OR SOMETHING?! OH FUCK ME MY LIFE IS OVER!

...wait a minute. I have a failsafe!

Activate Panic Protocol!

Error: Program not found.

System message: Fuck you Narrator Rob, handle your own shit for once. I'm going on vacation where I won't have to do any more of your bullshit protocols.

EVEN MY OWN MIND HAS DESERTED ME!

...Game over man. This is it; the cat's out of the bag. I know I can't lie my way out of these scenarios so I might as well just own up to the truth now. It was nice not having to deal with close-minded jocks and their homophobic shit in the locker room while it lasted, but everything has to end eventually... And you know, if Daren can do it then so can I. He'd be proud; Rob's finally going to come out of the closet...

"Wow Jaycee, that's the fucking stupidest thing I've ever heard!" Scott said with a hearty laugh.

"Yeah Jayce, sheesh, could you have possibly guessed anything less likely?" Chris sneered, followed by a fit of snarky laughter.

Did... did they just... But I was finally going to... Wait, no. Don't question it Rob, just go with the flow and don't question your current position, just like every teacher you've ever had in the public school system has taught you to do.

"Yeah, I don't know what planet you live on, but it's definitely not Earth!" I said with an uncomfortably forced laugh. Oh god, I can't believe I just said that. I'll probably need to take a bath in a pool of acid before I feel clean again... uhhhhuhhuhhuh.

"Screw you guys..." Jayce mumbled through clenched teeth, clearly not enjoying eerily accurate theory getting mocked. And oh boy was that iguana steaming... sorry Jayce, but my own social issues come before yours!

Scott chimed in again after his laughter died down. "Yeah Jayce if I had a dollar for every-" suddenly a very generic sounding death metal song started emitting from Scott's jeans. "Hold on that's my phone." When Scott checked who was presumably calling, his eyes growing wide in panic. "My alarm? Oh shit, that's right! I'm supposed to pick Katie up at seven for our date! Fuck, why didn't I set this to go off earlier? Ah well, guess I just gotta drop you slouches off fast!" he said as he turned the keys in ignition, and the car's engine roared to life.

Oh shit... It was six forty-five, so that left Scott fifteen minutes to drop us all off, which from where we were normally took around twenty minutes. Apparently I was supposed to get home pretty soon anyway, but the problem here was that Scott's driving + rushed for time = you're gonna have a bad time.

I faced Scott, panic evident in my eyes. "Scott you're a worse driver than Haley Berry when you feel the need to rush to a destination. Please please please just let me drive us back!" I said desperately, twining my paws twined pleadingly.

Jayce had a similar opinion about Scott's driving. "Yeah uh, Scott, maybe you should listen to Rob," he said in a similarly panicked tone. Chris didn't seem to really be shaken up about the whole thing, he just seemed excited to be able to ride a sports car.

Despite my best efforts and Scaredy-cat Rob look, Scott wasn't evidently wasn't going to have any of it, as he gave me a skeptical look. "No, you drive slower than my grandmother... and she's dead," he said snidely as he shifted the car's gear to drive. "Buckle up guys! Or, don't. I don't really give a fuck." And then he fucking floored the gas petal in THE FREAKING PARKING LOT and started driving like we were in a goddamn drag race. He probably just did that to scare the bejesus out of me, which it did. Because I can safely say that what I felt at that moment could best be described in these six words:

OH MY GOD I'M GONNA DIE!