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Nothing really changed as the weeks went by. I kept my promise to Nikki to stay in touch and check up on her occasionally to see how she was doing. Even a year after our break-up, we were still seeing each other with the intention to stay friends after Meagan spilled the beans on Nikki's situation. But that turned out to be a lot more difficult than I imagined. I came over to her place, kept up appearances and pretended everything was fine. Needless to say, it didn't really work out the way we tried to fix something that was broken beyond repair. So why even try to fix it when there's nothing left to fix? I know Nikki didn't exactly had an easy life but I could only guess what happened to her to have such feelings, seeing as she never talked about it. She felt guilty and responsible for the things that happened between Terry, her and me but Nikki wasn´t the only one to blame. We all had our fair share in that... Nevertheless, it was enough to sent her right over the edge... Meagan was hysterical and panicked when she found out that Nikki was suicidal and got in touch with me to tell me everything about it. I was shocked by the news, of course, and even though Nikki's my ex, I still cared for her and wanted her to be okay. So Meagan and I went to see Terry to talk to him about it and that wasn't exactly a walk in the park either. Terry and I got into a fight the moment he saw me but Meagan eventually did manage to bring the message across. After which, the three of us went to see Nikki and talked about it. And at first, things got slightly better but it didn't last very long... It only seemed to have an opposite effect on the both of us... It only drove us further apart... After all, who in their right minds would keep seeing their ex after they've wronged each other over and over again...?

I always thought I kept in touch with Nikki so that I could help her. I thought things would get better once I've stopped trying to be the "ex-girlfriend" and try to be her friend instead. But it wasn't that easy because we had a history together... Seeing each other reminded us of our past mistakes and kept us in the past, preventing us to move on... And that's exactly what happened; I stayed in the past... Needless to say, me keeping in touch with Nikki hardly changed anything... We were just picking up where we left off... We barely had anything to say to each other and kept up our appearances with fake smiles... Visiting her was no longer something I wanted... It became an obligation because I owed her... Whenever I called her, the conversation only lasted for several minutes... I was so sick and tired of hearing the same old things over and over again... How she wished she made different choices in life and reminiscing on how it could've been... Feeling sorrowful over passed mistakes... It's exactly how I remembered her to be and I got reminded over and over again why I wanted to get away from her... Slowly but steady, I felt like giving up on her because Nikki was dragging me down with her again... Her depressed state of mind was something that affected me too... Part of me wanted to bitch-smack her and tell her to get her shit back together... Part of me wanted her gone out of my life so that I could move on again... I really had hope that I could change things around for her by staying but the more I was seeing her, the more we fell back in our old habits, something I tried to avoid the most... But I wasn't doing much of a good job so far...

Nevertheless, I kept seeing her to try to set her mind on other things... Because despite everything, I still cared for her... But as the weeks passed and things got worse, I realized that was nothing but a lie I told myself in order to see her... I hardly cared for her anymore... Instead, I realized the only reason why I was seeing her was for my own good conscious, seeing as I had a part in all this... Except I didn't care anymore if it actually had any effect. She needed help, I've tried to help her and if I fail, oh well, too bad but hey, at least I've tried my best, right? I just wanted her gone out of my life, one way or another... And I know it's terrible to have such thoughts about someone but it merely shows how I felt about her when she started to drag me down with her again... Can´t say I'm proud for harboring such feelings towards someone because that´s not like me... Even though Samantha told me I had to make a whole new start with Nikki, it´s easier said than done... But sometimes, all you need is a nudge in the right direction in order to turn things around... And that´s exactly what happened one day, from the person I least expected it from... Someone who had been gone out of my life for so many years and never thought I´d see her ever again... Sometimes, the past just comes knocking on your door... Literally...

It started out like a normal Saturday afternoon. Simon and Catherine were out shopping for new furnitures and considering they never agree with each other when it comes to that, I wasn't expecting them home for another few hours. So I had the house to myself when I got up at around ten AM, which is relatively early for me and took a shower. After which, I got behind my computer and watched some movies of stupid people doing stupid things, which was good for a laugh or two. It was around noon when I finally pried myself off the computer and do something productive. Frying some bacon and eggs isn't exactly rocket science and even I, a walking disaster in the kitchen, could not go wrong with that. Once I plated up, I sat down at the kitchen table and started eating.

After several minutes however, I heard a knock at the door so I stopped eating for a moment, listening closely. We have a door-knocker but that thing never gets used, its mostly for decoration. Thinking that I imagined it, I continued to eat but after several moments, the doorbell rang and I actually got startled when I heard it because I wasn't expecting anyone. I was rather hungry and reluctantly, I got up from the kitchen-table to make my way towards the front-door. Without looking through the spyglass, I opened the door... In front of me was a raccoon girl, around my age... The girl was looking down the moment I opened the door and she looked shocked when the door opened up... She was very jumpy at first but when she faced me, she looked up while having an oh so sweet yet very nervous smile on her face... Hazel eyes, brunette... She seemed familiar yet I couldn't place her until she started to talk, very quietly after an awkward moment of silence...

'Hi, Ceylan...'

It took a moment for me to sink in who was standing there... And I too was startled when I realized who she was... I looked at her for a moment and just couldn't believe it... I just stood there, dumbstruck, gawking at her while she kept averting her eyes, looking very uneasy and nervous...

'Sarah...? Is that you...?'

'It's me...'

'Wow, uh... I-I, uhm... What brings you here?'

'I know it's been a long time but uhm... I was wondering if I could talk to you...'

'We're way passed that. And I'm afraid I've got nothing to say.'

'I know... But if you've got nothing to say to me, I was hoping you would listen to me instead.'

'You came a long way to make sure I'd listen then.'

'Yes...'

'And I suppose you're not here to reminiscence the good old days spent together...'

'No, I'm not... I think you already know why I'm here...'

At that moment, I just wanted to slam the door in her face to shut her out... I didn't wanna hear it, I didn't want to get dragged back to something that I tried to forget for so long... All these years, I kept telling myself that it's all been a bad dream and seeing her again shattered that fragile little bubble I've build for myself... It took me years to convince me otherwise... Needless to say, I had a very hard time seeing her again... I just stood there in the doorway, clenching my fists... I wanted to throw the door shut... Because seeing her, mentioning her name... All of it came back, like it only happened yesterday... Sarah saw I had a hard time seeing her...

'Why now, after all these years...?'

'Ceylan, I know this is unexpected but... Coming down here was the only way for me to do so...'

'You shouldn't have come here, Sarah...'

'I just ask you to listen to me...'

'No, I'm sorry... Just leave...'

'Ceylan...'

'No... I know you came a long way but I'm afraid it's been for nothing... I don't want to listen to what you have to say... I just can't...'

'I never was the one to blame...'

'You never were...'

'Then why won't you listen to me?'

'Because I can't! Not after everything that happened! Not after it took so long to get my life back on track! Not now, when things finally start to look up! It's nothing personal! But too many things have happened, which is why I can't!'

'I see...'

'So please...! Just go...!'

Sarah nodded quietly when she realized her pleas fell on deaf ears... I was too stubborn to listen to her but can you honestly blame me...? It stayed quiet for a moment when she averted her eyes... And all of a sudden, she reached down in her purse and got out an envelope with my name written on it... I stared at it for a moment, looking a bit puzzled...

'What's this...?'

'It's from Mikaela...'

'She sent you to deliver it for me?'

She stayed quiet after that... And I kept staring at the envelope for a moment and looked back at Sarah... Once I took the envelope from her, Sarah had a weak smile on her face and turned around to walk away... Part of me wanted to blame Sarah for everything that happened... But she was just as much a victim as I was... I realized that if she'd walk away now, I'll never have any answers... Sarah might not have the answer to everything, but it's a whole lot more than I could ever hope for...

'Why would you do this for her after all the things Mikaela has done to you?'

Sarah stopped and turned around to face me... When she stood in front of me, she looked down and whispered quietly...

'Every story has two sides, Ceylan... You just never heard her side of the story...'

'Would she expect me to forgive her after I've listened to what you have to say?'

'I know I can't ask that from you...'

'I just wanna know why...'

'She wasn't always like this... And uhm... It all started way back and none of it would make sense if you don't know the whole story... Which is why I ask you to listen to me... It's, uhm... Heh...'

I sighed quietly and stared at the envelope for a moment... Every fiber in my body told me it was a bad idea to do this... I knew it wasn't going to be easy... But somewhere, deep down inside, I just felt that I had to, no matter how difficult it would be to talk to her...

'I'll just get my things, alright...?'

'Sure, take your time...'

'Let's talk somewhere quiet...'

Needless to say, I didn't want to talk inside the house encase Simon and Catherine would come home unexpectedly and find Sarah... It's something I didn't want them to find out or them overhearing our conversation so I wasn't taking any chances... I got my keys and placed the envelope on the kitchen table... After which, I went outside, closing the door behind me... And so we walked...

I knew where we were going when we headed in its direction... Lochhaven, just outside the suburbs... The country sides have always been beautiful in the spring... Lucious green open meadows, near Blackbriar forest... The roads are not as busy as it is downtown... As we left the suburbs and made our way to Westermerrow Park, it all came back to me... I can't remember the last time I've been there... The few farms and windmills in the distance gave it a somewhat rustic touch... As if you're in a whole different country... It took about twenty minutes for us to get there... But once we did, we took the pathway up the hills... Birds were chirruping in the trees above us as the sun was shining through... This place used to have a special place in my heart but that all changed... Still, when we reached the very top of the hills dotted with blossom trees, I couldn't help to smile... It was like I was seeing it for the very first time again... Sarah and I sat down on a bench up ahead and enjoyed the view for a moment...

'This place is still as beautiful as I remember it to be, Ceylan.'

'I haven't been here in ages...'

'Me too...'

'This is where we first made out...'

'I just wish we could sit here under different circumstances...'

'As do I...'

It stayed quiet for another while... I could hear her sigh quietly and just looked around the beautiful scenery... I wasn't too sure if she was actually enjoying it... I suppose she was just figuring out on what to say...

'Why did you come back...?'

'Heh...'

'I mean, it's been more then eight years since I've last seen you... You just disappeared one day, never to be heard from again... And I only got one letter from you which was supposed to explain everything but it raised more questions about what was happening at the time... I tried to stay in touch with you but you never did... And now, all of a sudden, you're on my doorstep, wanting to talk...'

'I know...'

'What's there to talk about then? What do you expect me to say?'

'Nothing... You don't owe me anything...'

'So why now, after all these years?'

'Because I finally have the courage to face you again...'

'Heh...'

'All these years, I tried figuring out what to say to you if I ever saw you again... But now that I'm here, I'm at a loss for words... So many things happened, Ceylan....'

'Did any of them ever made any sense...?'

'No... I just hope you understand why I had to do what I did...'

'And I do... It's just... I've been alone in all of this ever since you left...'

'I didn't have a choice... Being placed out of my parental house wasn't my decision... You can't hold that against me...'

'I'm not... But your story got heard in court while I was too afraid to tell the truth... So I kept it to myself... And it messed me up more than I'd like to admit...'

'Heh...'

'I thought everything would be over once Mikaela got arrested... But that was just the beginning... And now that I see you again, it feels like I need to start all over once more...'

'Yeah...'

'I just can't do that... I can't go through it all over again... I can't say what it did to me... My whole life was so messed up... I tried so hard to get it all back on track but sometimes, it just seemed that everything I did to turn things around for myself was for nothing... My life was in pieces... It hurt me more than anything I've ever experienced or ever will... So many things got taken away because of that... And for what...?'

'I can imagine you've got a lot of questions...'

'Is that why you're here...? To answer my questions...? To leave again in good conscience knowing that you've found closure...?'

'No... I'm here because I owe it to you...'

'What exactly do you owe me then? We both lived our own lives away from each other, struggling to keep it all together. I never was able to have a normal relationship afterwards. I couldn't fall in love without questioning their motives. I couldn't be intimate with someone. I couldn't trust those who cared. I isolated myself from other people out of fear... That's not the life I wanted to live...'

'Did you ever talked to someone...? A social worker or a psychologist...?'

'No... That's why it tore me apart...'

'And yet here you are...'

'Yes... I gave up on myself... But Blain didn't...'

'Heh...'

'He helped me to get through, no matter how difficult it was for him... But I feel that it should've been you instead... Simply because you and I have both experienced it... That's why I wanted to stay in touch... But you never did...'

'You've got all the right to hold that against me... And I'm sorry... I'm so sorry, Ceylan...'

'I used to be angry at you for doing so... But I forgot that you were just as much of a victim as I was... And you also had to get your life back on track... You've been through the same things as I have... So no, I'm not holding it against you... I understand why you didn't stay in touch...'

'Too much has happened...'

'Exactly...'

'Life goes on... You'll have to, eventually, no matter how difficult it is...'

'Yeah... But now that I see you again, I don't know how I'm supposed to feel... And I'm wondering if I was ever able to let it go... I tried to forget it ever happened... And so far, I was doing reasonably well until now... I know its not your fault... But too much has happened and seeing you reminds me of a part of my life that I wish to forget... And the only question that goes through my mind is why...'

'There's never an easy explanation to it...'

'I trusted her, Sarah...'

'So did I... I never wanted you to get caught up in all of this...'

'Heh...'

'Mikaela was using me but... Once I found out you got involved as well, I just... I had no other choice, right...?'

'You did what you had to do...'

'But was it the right thing to do...?'

'It was the only thing you could do to make it stop...'

'It didn't felt like that to me... I almost died because of my naivety...'

It stayed quiet for another while... I wasn't looking at the scenery anymore... I was just staring at the ground until I heard Sarah started to cry quietly... When I looked up and faced her, I saw tears going down her face...

'I wouldn't have been here if you weren't there that night...'

'It scared me more than anything...'

'Mikaela was passed out drunk at home while I was fighting for my life in the hospital...'

'Why did she do it...? What drove her to it...?'

'People are not born like that... They're being turned into it, shaped by the things happening around them and what is happening to them...'

'Yeah...'

'She hung out with the wrong people and resorted to drugs... A lot of bad things happened to her in her life and uhm... '

'Mikaela told me about it...'

'Told you what?'

'That she was pregnant...'

'Oh...'

'Is that what you're referring to...?'

'I am, yes... Did she also happen to tell you who the father was...?'

'She did...'

'I see...'

'Couldn't have been easy for her...'

'No...'

'Is that how it all started...?'

'It started long before that...'

Sarah scraped her throat and looked down for a moment... To me, it felt like she wanted to give me answers but was hesitating to do so, simply because things have been so very personal... I heard her sigh quietly and saw that she wiped the tears from her face...

'I-I know I promised you to tell you everything but uhm... You have to understand that it's not easy for me to tell... But I owe it to you except I just have no idea where to begin...'

'It's okay...'

'So, uh... Like I said, it started long before you and I got involved...'

Sarah paused for a moment and scraped her throat as she averted her eyes... The story that she was about to tell me was the kind of story she didn't want to share with other people... But nevertheless, she still did... Very quietly, she started to talk...

'Mikaela used to be sexually abused by my father... And uhm... It tore her apart... All the things I've seen and heard didn't make much sense to me until I was old enough to understand...'

'I see...'

'But despite that, Mikaela protected me from him... Every time my dad wanted to make a move on me, she offered herself instead... I could hear all of it whenever he closed her bedroom door... And I always heard her cry every time he left...'

'Heh...'

'Her eyes said everything whenever I went to her room to check up on her... She'd hold me close, quietly whispering that she loved me dearly and that she'd never let anyone harm me... I've seen and heard most of it... Mikaela got hit whenever she wasn't willing to... And uhm... Heh... I can't remember when it started... But I remember it ended when she got pregnant... My parents forced her to have an abortion after my dad found out he impregnated his own daughter... It didn't exactly go unnoticed...'

'Oh my god...'

'They started to resent her afterwards... Mikaela became a reject in her own family, incited by my parents, spreading lies about her to hide the truth from the outside world... And if you repeat a lie long enough, it becomes the truth... A truth Mikaela started to believe herself... That's what sent her right over the edge...'

'What of your mother...?'

'My mom never did anything to stop it... She knew what was happening but she just looked the other way whenever Mikaela was sexually abused by my dad... I don't know if my mother was scared of him or simply didn't care but nevertheless, she did nothing...'

'I see...'

'When you're own baby gets taken away from you, a part of yourself dies with it... Mikaela was never the same again after that... It changed her... It broke her... And that's how it all started...

Sarah took a deep breath and closed her eyes for a moment... I just patiently waited for her to continue...

'Mikaela often tried to run away from home except she had nowhere to go... The only reason she came back every time was because of me and my brothers... She'd stay for a couple of weeks until she disappeared again...'

'Where'd she go to then...?'

'Who knows... She got caught up with some bad people and resorted to drugs to cope with her situation... Using drugs did something to her though... And as the years passed by, she didn't seem to be afraid of my dad anymore... Or perhaps she just felt she had nothing to lose... Mikaela often stayed at a crack house in Freyton and met some people who gave her an idea, which could be used as a leverage against my parents...'

'What do you mean...?'

'Money... She confronted my parents and told them she would tell the authorities everything if they didn't pay up... But my dad didn't like the idea of being blackmailed... So Mikaela got beaten into the hospital... Little did my dad know was that Mikaela now had her own friends who'd protect her... Five of these guys showed up on our doorstep one day and my dad was beaten up by them...'

'Wow...'

'It wasn't until then he realized that she had nothing to lose while he had everything to lose if she told the police the whole story...'

'So he paid for her silence...'

'Yeah... Seeing as neither Mikaela nor my dad could go to the police, they both found themselves at an impasse...'

'Then what...?'

'Nothing... He just left her alone... If he were to harm her again, Mikaela would have these guys show up again...'

'Why didn't Mikaela go to the police in the first place...?'

'Because she was too scared to do so... And by the time she was no longer afraid of my dad anymore, she couldn't go to the police, seeing as she also dealt herself... Nothing big but enough to get her arrested... She stopped dealing when she almost got caught but it didn't stop her from using...'

'I see... What happened after that...?'

'From the money she had, she bought drugs... Stayed with her friends... She got used by these guys as well except Mikaela didn't realize that... They weren't forcing her to spread her legs... She just did, like it's a normal thing to do... And in return, well... She was safe with these guys...'

'Hm...'

'Anyway, uhm... That went on for several years... She came and went whenever she pleased... My parents resented her and wanted her gone but they couldn't really do much to prevent her from coming home... So instead, they were gone most of the time... And that's when she took care of us whenever my parents weren't around...'

'Heh...'

'Truth is, though... With everything that happened to her, it became normal... It was her way of saying that she loved us...'

'You mean sex...?'

'Yes... And up to this day, I still don't know why... But she did... With me and my brothers... Saying that it's the kind of love other people don't understand... We believed her, everything she said to us... And we just let her, simply because it was normal according to her... It became normal for us to do so...'

'I see...'

'When I was about fourteen years old, Mikaela got herself in some hot water for not being able to pay her dealer in time... So she managed to arrange something else instead...'

'She had sex with him...'

'Yeah... Every once in a while, she invited her friends to our place, where they could have their way with her in exchange for drugs... And that's how I met them... It didn't take long before they made remarks about me that I didn't like...'

'Heh...'

'And then one night, her dealer asked Mikaela if I was available... She said no at first, still keeping to her promise... But at some point, he wanted to change the terms of their "arrangement"...'

'He wanted you as well...'

Sarah nodded quietly and wiped the tears out of her eyes... She scraped her throat and sighed quietly once more... She's been strong so far but she could break down any time... Her lips were trembling and she had a hard time talking after that...

'That guy, her dealer, he, uhm... Told Mikaela that he had to raise the "price" for all the stuff she used... Money didn't seemed to be the issue anymore... When she kept refusing to give me up, she got threatened... She would be hurt and he would get to me one way or another...'

'That's how you got involved...'

'Yeah... Mikaela talked to me about it in all honesty... Said that we both got hurt if I didn't go along with it... Said that I had to do it in order to stay save... In truth, she just used me to pay off her "debts"... It doesn't matter how she described it to me or what her intentions were... Mikaela just whored me out... I didn't like doing it... But I did it for her... '

'Heh...'

'It was supposed to be for just one night... But she knew better than that...'

'It happened several times...'

'Yes...'

'And that's where I came in...'

'Yeah...'

"Oh Christ..." It took me a while let all of her words sink in as all of the memories came back... I saw tears going down Sarah's face and I just couldn't hold myself anymore...

'It's alright, Ceylan... I know it's a lot to take in...'

'I-I just, uhm... I'm not sure if I can...'

'Heh...'

'I mean, it's uhm... A lot of things start to make sense now...'

'I know...'

'And I'm not sure what it does to me or how should feel about it...'

'I'm still wondering about that myself...'

'Why me...?'

'Despite everything, I tried to live a somewhat normal life... And I met you in high-school, sharing classes together... We became best friends... We even fell in love... You took me to places and we had so much fun together... Being with you made me forget all the things that were happening around me...'

'Heh...'

'We did what every teenage girl did...'

'That's when I first met Mikaela...'

'I thought that the things that were happening between Mikaela and me would stay between us...'

'She was kind to me... At first, I thought she was your mother...'

'Heh...'

'I didn't know what was going on... Things didn't seemed out of the ordinary at first...'

'She liked having you around... And I know the two of you had talks...'

'It's just... I talked to Mikaela and she seemed to understand me... Everything I shared with her... We could relate to each other on so many levels and that's how I got so close with her...'

'To the point she fell in love with you...'

'Heh... I was quite vulnerable in that period of my life... It was only six years after my immigration... I was still confused, homesick... Missing my parents and family, dealing with everything that happened back home...'

'And she used that to her advantage...'

'Except I wasn't realizing that...'

'She always knew how to manipulate people... Mikaela was very good at that...'

'It made me believe I was in love with her...'

'Was it real...?'

'I don't know if it ever was... I don't know if the feelings I felt for her was something she told me to feel or if it was something that came from me...'

'But you still went along with it...'

'Yeah... Because I didn't see it... I thought I was in love with her... And I even went as far to stay for the night... I thought it was normal...'

'So did I...'

I could hear footsteps walking on gravel getting louder and that's when we stopped talking... The moment I turned my head, I saw an old couple walking, greeting us with a friendly smile and saying good afternoon... Sarah and I quietly mumbled hello and we kept staring at them until they were gone... I sighed quietly and rubbed my eyes for a moment...

'Sarah...?'

'Hm...?'

'Is that why you tried to wedge Mikaela and me apart...? Because you knew the truth about her...?'

'Yes...'

'I see...'

'Anyway, uhm... When I told her I didn't want this anymore, she said that you would help her out instead... I pleaded and begged her to leave you out of it but she didn't listen...'

'Heh...'

'That's when I told you not to see her anymore but I couldn't tell you why... You became angry at me instead... I begged Mikaela to quit using and tried to reason with her because it was tearing me apart... I couldn't do it anymore... Mikaela's addiction and twisted state of mind changed her so much... She was no longer the girl who made the promise that no harm would come over me... It's like she didn't care anymore... I got driven in a corner and I had nowhere to go...'

'It became too much...'

'When Mikaela found out I tried to remove you out of the picture, she set you up against me... But I wanted her to stop and I couldn't do this anymore... I wanted her to leave you alone...'

'But I didn't listen to you...'

'No... You didn't... But she still had debts to pay... And if I wasn't willing to anymore, she had to find someone else to help her out with that...'

'Me...'

'She never told you of her intentions and expected you didn't want to go through with any of it... Which is why she drugged you that night...'

Hearing these words felt like getting punched in the stomach... A sharp, piercing blow that knocks all the air out of your lungs, feeling numb... All these memories flashed by before my eyes... And yet, I stayed unsually calm after hearing her words... There once was a time where the mere thought of it would cause me to break down... I just couldn't think straight... And perhaps her words didn't sink in just yet...

'M-Mikaela said that... T-That you wanted to talk things out with me... But when I came to your house, you weren't there... Just Mikaela and those guys...'

'I didn't know she was going to drug you...'

'It took me so long t-to, uhm... I just couldn't... I-I-I can't even imagine what you must've gone through...'

'It wasn't easy...'

'A-And I just... Uhm... I-I just can't let it go...'

'It's okay, Ceylan...'

'All these years, I thought that, uhm...'

'It's alright... You don't have to hold back... There's no need for that...'

I couldn't speak anymore... I just clammed up when it felt like there was chunk stuck in my throat... That nauseous feeling was creeping up while my head was spinning... Feeling ever so worthless and ashamed... It does something to you... It changes everything you know about yourself... I took several deep breathes to try and make that nauseous feeling go away... And after it stayed silent for a long time, Sarah continued...

'After which, you couldn't handle it anymore... And that's when you left her...'

'S-She tried to justify her actions... Tried to convince me that I wanted to...'

'Is that what she made you believe...?'

'I-I, uhm... I didn't know what to believe anymore... But I stayed away from her ever since... And that was the last time I ever saw Mikaela...'

'Yeah...'

'But that wasn't the end for you...'

'No... You didn't come to see me anymore because I thought you were mad at me... But I wasn't aware that it happened to you... One night, Mikaela sat with me and talked things through with me... She said that I was right and that she had to quit... Mikaela told me that she was going to seek counseling and that she wanted to go to rehab... But it didn't last very long...'

'I see...'

'I wasn't aware that she started using again until one night, her friends were back... And that very same night, I got drugged myself...'

'Except you had an overdose...'

'Yeah but it wasn't caused by that... They did their thing and uhm... Once they were done, one of those guys injected me with heroine while I was half unconscious and said that I earned it...'

'Heh...'

'I started to feel sick... I had trouble breathing and felt drowsy... I couldn't think straight when I called you... I managed to get away when they were all passed out in the living room... After which I met you at the intersection and it gets blurry from there until I woke up in the hospital...'

'It was scary to see you like that...'

'Heh...'

'You almost didn't make it...'

'I wouldn't have if it weren't for you...'

I nodded quietly and scraped my throat as I averted my eyes from Sarah... It didn't felt like I saved her life back then and it still didn't felt like that eight years later... The doctors and the police officers said that I saved her life but it didn't felt like that, knowing what caused it... I just kept my mouth shut out of fear...

'I told the doctors what happened... About half an hour later, two police officers showed up who took a statement from me... And I asked them to talk to you as well... But you didn't told them what happened...'

'Heh... I was so afraid... Especially after I found you that night...'

'Which is why it had to stop...'

'Yeah...'

'Mikaela and everyone else got arrested that very same night and uhm... The trial carried on for a couple of months but in the end, Mikaela got sentenced to six years in prison...'

'S-Six years...??'

'Which would've been higher if you pressed charges against her as well...'

'Would it have made any difference if I did...?'

'Yes, of course... It really would have...'

It stayed silent for a long time again... With everything that Sarah told me, things finally start to sink in... Realizing how and why it all happened was too much to take in for me...

'Mikaela received drug treatment in the correctional facility she was detained in... It gave her plenty of time to think things through... She tried to get in contact with me to talk but for the first two years, I didn't come to see her...'

'But you got in touch with her again eventually...'

'Yes...'

'Why...? After all the harm she's done...?'

'As strange as it might sound but... Mikaela was also a victim once... All these years of abuse took its toll on her... She's still my sister... And in the end, she took care of us when others didn't...'

'Heh...'

'I didn't forgive her for the things she did... I did it to move on with my life...'

'Why now...?'

'Somewhere, deep down inside, I was hoping I could still find the sister she used to be... The sister who used to protect me and cared for me... But I know that she is forever lost... Mikaela knew things would never be the same again... I was all she had when everyone else abandoned her... Even my brothers did...'

'What happened your brothers...?'

'Jason and Kevin went their separate ways and refused to stay in contact... I was the only one who stayed with her... Jason said I made my choice the moment I chose for Mikaela... I haven't seen them in years... They don't talk to me anymore...'

'I see... What about your parents...?'

'I'd rather not talk about them...'

'I understand...'

'Anyway, uhm... Mikaela was released from prison two years ago... She continued receiving drug treatment and psychological counseling once she got out of jail... But she couldn't do it... She couldn't live with the things she did and the things she experienced through out her life... She slowly felt back in her old habits and started using again until she had an overdose...'

'Overdose...?'

'Yes... She didn't make it...'

'What...?'

'Mikaela passed away six months ago...'

'I'm sorry to hear that...'

'No, you're not...'

'Heh...'

'I can't blame you for feeling that way... But I mourn the loss of my sister, how she used to be, not the person she became... But hardly anyone showed up on her funeral... And it's sad because Mikaela didn't chose for the life she lived...'

'Her actions defined her life instead...'

'Only because she didn't know any better... But it doesn't justify her actions...'

'Did Mikaela commit suicide...?'

'I don't know if she overdosed on purpose or not... But seeing how much she struggled with her life, it's most likely she ended it herself... It's hunch I have, seeing as she gave me those envelopes...'

'Heh...'

'The night before she died, she handed me them, one of which was addressed to you and asked if I could read mine the next morning... In her letter was everything she ever wanted to tell me and asked me if I could give her letter to you... Asking me to tell you everything... After Mikaela died, I felt the need to see you, to finally find closure... But it took me half a year to find the courage to come and see you... Mikaela cant tell her side of the story anymore... And that is why I'm here...'

'It'll always be part of our lives...'

'We can't change what happened... Which is why we'll have to find peace with it...'

'Perhaps one day, we will...'

I looked at Sarah and she gave me a weak smile... Her eyes were red from all the tears she shed... I just didn't know how to feel about everything she told me... It just hasn't sunk in yet...

I don't remember much what happened that faithful night... All I remember are bits and pieces after I fell asleep... Lying naked on a bed surrounded by guys having their way with me... Feeling the pain... I wanted to scream... I wanted to cry... But it's like you're a prisoner of your own body... You can hardly move... You can't think straight... You'll lose consciousness and wake up again... You don't know if the things you see and feel is a hallucination or not... It's terrifying... Especially when I woke up the next morning, realizing that all of it was real... It's the reason why I had so many nightmares... Why I was so afraid to fall asleep... It made me snap... Everything changed for me that faithful night... Everything I knew about myself... I was an emotional wreck for such a long time... I isolated myself out of fear... All the hardships I experienced throughout the years to deal with it... I know it'll always be a part of me and I know the wounds will never heal... All of it fell to pieces once more when Sarah came by... All of it came back that day... It no longer felt like I was able to overcome... All the things I've been through in order to turn things around for myself felt like it was for nothing... It took me eight years to get my life back on track and all of it got shattered to pieces in just one day... It made me feel that I wasn't strong enough...

Sarah held my hand and moved closer to me... I just looked at her and felt something that was lost for all these years... Holding her close only seemed to make that feeling stronger... But I can't tell you what it was... I didn't know... Making her smile was something that used to make me feel on top of the world... But seeing it now hardly makes me feel on top of a hill... Nevertheless, I smiled back at her... Because despite the circumstances, I was happy to see her again after all these years... Sarah changed so much but still looked as beautiful as she did eight years ago... Things just didn't turn out for us the way it should've been... What we had with each other is nothing but a vague memory... It's a part of my life I wanted to forget... I never wanted to forget about Sarah... It's because I had to... That day, when we sat there at Westmerrow Park on top of a hill, overlooking the beautiful scenery, it all came back, if only for a brief moment... But despite that, it was something I didn't wish to feel...

'So what are you gonna do now...?'

'Haven't you ever wished you could start all over again, Ceylan...?'

'Every day of my life...'

'So do I... Being here is my new start... I'm moving back to Ravello...'

'Really...?'

'Yes... I've found an apartment in the Adwick district and uhm... I'm starting a new job as a secretary here at Cal-tech in a couple of months from now... So I'm making all the preparations to move back here...'

'It's quite the move...'

'Yeah but I don't have much to take with me so...'

'Heh...'

'That ice-cream parlor where we used to hang out... Is it still there...?'

'You mean Giuseppe's...? No, it closed down a couple of years ago...'

'Really...? It's a shame, they've always had the best ice-cream...'

'They sure did...'

'I suppose a lot of things changed here in Ravello while I was away...'

'Yeah... They've renovated King's Square... You wouldn't recognize the place when you see it...'

'I was hoping you'd take me there some day...'

'Heh...'

'I've got no one here in this big city so I'll need you to show me around, right...?'

'Is there someone else who's coming along with you...?'

'What do you mean...?'

'Anyone special to you...?'

'No... I've been alone ever since...'

'Heh...'

'What about you...?'

'Let's just say that I didn't know what I was looking for...'

'This could be a new start for the both of us...'

'Sarah...'

'You and me, getting to know each other again and leave it all behind us... I know it wouldn't make up for the years that were lost but...'

'Do you think we can if we did...?'

'It's something I hope for...'

'Is that what you want...?'

'More than anything... I've missed you so much...'

Sarah placed her hands on my cheeks and ever so gently pressed her lips against mine... Pleasant memories were rushing by the moment she did... She was my first and always will be... Kissing her felt like I was doing it for the very first time again... It was such a wonderful feeling... And that's why I didn't do anything to stop her... After she kissed me, she held my hand and placed her other one on my knee... But at that moment, reality started to kick in... I took both of her hands and shook my head while she looked a little startled...

'Please, don't do this to me, Sarah...'

'Heh...'

'We've been away from each other for so long and so many things have happened...'

'We can finally put everything behind us...'

'Not if we stay together...'

'Ceylan...'

'How can we move on and be together when every time we look at each other, we are reminded of the things that happened...? How would that even work...?'

'I wasn't there for you when you needed me... But I'll be here for you now... And I know you're afraid but so am I, Ceylan... I believe that you and I can be together again...'

'Is that why you're moving back to Ravello...? Just to be with me again...?'

'It's one of the reasons...'

'What do you expect me to say...?'

'I was hoping you'd feel the same about it... Making a new start, together...'

I didn't want to make a choice... I didn't want to give in and allow her to have a place in my life again simply because I was scared... Scared of what might happen if I let her back in... It never was her fault... But so many things happened and so many things changed... I know I fuck up... And I guess it wouldn't be any different if Sarah came back to me... I was so sure it wouldn't work out between us and that it'll only hurt me more... She'd walk out of my life again if things wouldn't work out between us... I've seen it before and it'll happen again... So it was best that she'd leave now, while I was still able to say so...

'I can't...'

'Heh...'

'You'd remind me of it every day... You'd remind me of a part of my life that I want to forget... And it'll only make things worse... Maybe you'd be able to move on but I know I can't...'

'I see...'

'Nothing would change between us if we did... Which is why we can't see each other anymore...'

Sarah nodded quietly and held my hand the moment she saw I was about to break down... She looked me straight in the eyes at that moment...

'I was doing so well before you came along...'

'I'm sorry...'

'I-I was doing so well...'

As the memories came by and all of her words started to sink in, I felt my left hand shaking and I nervously twiddled my fingers... I scraped my throat as everything started to float up... Trying to suppress it only made it worse... I started to feel nauseous and my head was spinning... I looked at Sarah and I could see in her eyes that she experienced the same many times over... Sarah was so much stronger than I was... I felt ashamed to let my emotions get the better of me... But I suppose none of it would matter... And for the second time in my life, I saw her walking away...

Sarah said it was best for her to go... When she left, she gave me a kiss on my forehead and said that she hoped that I would look her up when the time was right... But to me, it felt like she asked me to make a choice I didn't want to make... No one could predict what would happen if I let her back in my life again and what it would do to me... I've come so far only to be knocked down again and I didn't want to go down that same road I've been on before... Saying that she doesn't have a place in my life anymore was difficult... But I felt it was necessary, which is why I didn't say anything to her anymore... I could tell that she was hurt... Sarah had no one else... With everything that happened to her, who knows if she would ever be able to find someone else...? To find peace, love and happiness...? I know I couldn't give her any of that if I kept being reminded of the things that happened... Which is why it was for the best that we went our separate ways again...

Living your life as best you can requires you to make certain choices... Sometimes, you have to make choices you don't want to make... Sometimes, the choice is easily made when you trust your feelings... But what if you make a choice based out of fear...? Out of misplaced judgment...? It's a feeling but is it the right kind of feeling to base your choice on...? Will the consequences of your choice haunt you for the rest of your life...? Will you regret it...? Even now, many years later, I still regret of not giving her chance... Still regret that I didn't thanked Sarah for coming back and giving me answers... And I sometimes wonder what would've happen if I was able to let go of the fear and let Sarah have a place in my life again... Maybe we really were able to leave it all behind us if I gave her a chance... Perhaps I would've had my happy ending by now... Everything would've been so much different if I did... But I never did... I never gave Sarah that chance... The letter that Sarah gave to me from Mikaela was never opened... It got thrown away along with the letter Sarah once wrote me...

I stayed there at the park long after Sarah left, crying my eyes out... It took a long time for me to calm down but once I was able to think straight, I was asking myself how to move on from now... Going down the same road over and over again always lead to a dead end... And it's okay to be afraid... It's alright to fuck up... There's nothing wrong to make amends to those you've hurt and to those who've hurt you... Or else I might regret that too... Even though it was too late for Sarah, it made me realize it wasn't too late for Nikki... I grabbed my mobile phone and looked up her name in my contacts list, wondering if it was the right thing to do... Wondering if I wouldn't walk the same road again as I did before... It's a good thing I did... Because that one phone-call I made that day was the start of a new chapter in my life...

'Ceylan...?'

'Hey, Nic... H-How are you...?'

'I'm doing good, how are you doing?'

'I-I'm okay...'

'Is everything alright? You sound upset...'

'I-I'm fine... Listen, uhm... I was wondering if you feel like hanging out together any time soon...'