FSE

Furry search engine

formerly SoFurry search engine

1. It Means Everything

Keurin shot forward in his bed as he awoke from what was surely another nightmare, taunting him with what if's and fleeting, false comfort and embraces; his breath haggard, escaping from his lungs in deep, hoarse bursts. Everything came flooding back to him all at once, nearly overwhelming; his fighting with Marc at the Waffle House; finally letting loose all of his insecurities and laying them out, naked and bare not just for Aderrian, but for Marc, too, and the rest of the people who had gathered to watch. He felt mortified, pathetic. He drew his knees up to his chest and rest his arms on them, and burying his face in his arms, sobbing quietly, his tail curling around his ankles as though he was trying to hug himself. The moonlight glowed in the window, streaming into the room between the cracks of his blinds. It was silent in his apartment, not a regular silence as in the absence of sound, but a silence that one felt rather than heard, or didn't hear, one that lingered heavily in the air after a departure of a dearly loved one, and it was then that he finally realized he was alone again. He groped for his phone in the darkness and tapped the screen: 5:37 AM.

Something else caught his eye, a little green envelope on his screen signifying an unread text message waited for him. Swiping his thumb across, he saw that it was from Aderrian.

Should he even read it? Could he bring himself to read it? Doing so felt like a finality, an ending that he wasn't ready for, the closing of a book he didn't want to finish, the last words on the last page petering out until they were no more than a memory.

Sure, not knowing was maddening, but madness was better than everything crumbling down before him, shattering to tiny bits and being swept away by the wind. Uncertainty still had the possibility for hope, whereas answers were just what they were, good or bad, the final decision.

No, he thought. I can't leave things unfinished between Aderrian and I, good or bad.

And with that, he opened the text and read it.

* * *

Aderrian stood there, stunned like a statue as Keurin left the restaurant, breaking out into a full sprint and running away into the unknown. The cashier shoved Keurin's debit card into Aderrian's hand, wanting to be done with whatever daytime soap opera drama was going on here.

You'll be all right, Aderrian, Keurin had said before he left.

The orca's heart pounded in his chest, aching, yearning to run after him, but he couldn't will his legs to move. Instead, he simply remained still, shoulders slumped, eyes full and bursting. It was only after Keurin disappeared over the horizon, like a flame suddenly snuffed out by a harsh wind, that Aderrian slowly stumbled outside. Marc followed, standing beside the orca. He rubbed his neck, his breathing still labored, rough. Each gulp of air stung his lungs, and his vision still hadn't quite cleared.

The two men stood in silence for what seemed like an hour until finally Marc spoke:

“Go after him, Aderrian." The huskywolf clasped his shoulder. It pained him to basically say Hey, go chase after the guy I love, too, but deep down, Marc knew he had had his chance years ago. “He's… always struggled with… dark thoughts, even while we were married."

Marc paused, lowering his gaze to the ground, ears falling flat against his head, “…Even at the start, when we were both happy."

The orca turned and regarded Marc for a moment, nodding to him. He broke out into a sprint, frantically dialing Keurin's cell phone number as he ran. No answer, either Keurin had his phone off or he just was refusing to answer… or worse. Tears ran down his cheeks in twin rivulets, fluttering behind him in the wind. After about twenty minutes, he reached Keurin's apartment complex and rushed inside, up the stairs to the sixth floor.

Standing in front of Keurin's door, Aderrian froze, suddenly gripped with irrepressible terror of what he might find inside. Every muscle in his body ached and screamed Hurry, open it god damn you! And yet he stood, bound to the spot, as if something was keeping him out. Memories flooded his mind, the same ones he would use to comfort himself so long ago before they reconnected; Aderrian letting Keurin sit atop his lifeguard tower on the ship, watching with adoration as the dragon's eyes lit up and he smiled; the way they had embraced one another that final night before he and Marc departed; Aderrian's heart in that very moment beating in total sync with Keurin's; until eternity, the dragon's absence filling him with agony, like his heart was beating with half as much vigor and life.

His hand shot up to the doorknob and he twisted it, finding it strangely unlocked. He silently crept inside, shutting it behind him. The darkness of the room worried him, but somewhere off in the depths of the apartment, he heard crying and talking, signs of life.

And for Aderrian, life meant Keurin.

* * *

Keurin, the text began, I'm sorry for what happened, for what I almost did to Marc, and more importantly what I almost did to you as a consequence of that. I'll be on the couch when you wake up and are ready to talk, no matter how long it takes. If I'm asleep, please wake me up.

I won't leave you. I promise.

I love you more than anything.

Aderrian.

Keurin shook violently, clenching his phone against his chest as he struggled to sob in silence, covering his mouth. A swirling hurricane of emotions ranging from guilt to an indescribable joy filled him. Guilt because he was so sure he was going to screw this up again, and joy because maybe, just maybe things would work out. Aderrian was worth the struggle, that much was evident from the fact the orca had found him in his bed and not in the kitchen in a pool of his own blood.

Trembling, Keurin stood up and, feeling weak, his knees buckling under him, he fell backwards onto the bed. This was it, the book of his heart was finally creeping to a close, page after page flying past in a blur. But, what if… just what if that simply meant starting a new one? Yes, all stories had to end, that's just how things went, that was life, but just because they had to end didn't mean they never happened or that the story couldn't be continued. Something new, where Author: Keurin became Authors: Keurin and Aderrian?

Keurin furrowed his brow and stared with sudden determination at the doorway looming before him. He stood up, more steadily this time, and slowly walked forward. His heart pounded with every step and that same weirdness, like another voice hissed into his mind. What if this was a joke? What if he was lying in the kitchen floor, dying, hallucinating; like in a drunken stupor as the blood left his body and pooled around him, spreading out to infinity, the story of his life written in red ink?

Stop it, stop it, fucking stop it, he thought and pressed onward.

There, just as he said he would be, was Aderrian, curled up on the couch, asleep.

Every muscle in Keurin's body suddenly relaxed and he shut his eyes, still managing to somehow, even after all of this, find new tears to shed. That beautiful orca lay there, the singular act of perfection, gifted by the gods, or the big bang, or whatever else, lay there before him. The dragon stepped forward and dropped down, onto the floor, sitting there, leaning back against the couch. Aderrian snapped awake and lurched forward, beginning to speak but Keurin spoke first:

“I thought about ending it again, Aderrian," Keurin began, his words soft and timid, terrified, “Earlier, before you got here," Keurin smiled bitterly, the fur on his cheeks soaked and matted at this point.

“I had the knife to my wrist and I was just…" he paused, shaking his head and turning his face to the orca, shrugging in defeat, his face contorted in agony, “I was ready, terrified but ready to let go and be gone. That's why I left my debit card at Waffle House. I didn't think I'd need it where I was going."

“I'm afraid, Aderrian," He continued, “I'm afraid of what will happen. I'm afraid that these thoughts I keep having, these awful, dark thoughts, will fuck things up for us again.

“It's like someone else is there, too, not like another person, but like… my own voice talking to me in my mind, saying things like 'He doesn't really love you,' 'You'll fuck things up again,' 'Look what you did, you broke his heart,' and they hurt, Aderrian, because even if I tell myself that, no, none of that is true, I can't help but deep down, in the furthest reaches of my mind, believe them."

Aderrian slid off the couch and sat next to Keurin, suddenly tugging him close, tightly against his chest. He cradled the dragon in his arms, brushing the hair away from Keurin's face, his hand resting on the dragon's cheek. He leaned in and kissed Keurin gently, holding it for a long moment. Keurin tucked himself against Aderrian, his face buried in the orca's chest.

“Then I'll make sure to talk louder than he does," Aderrian responded, caressing the dragon's cheek, “I'll make sure that you know that, no matter what, I love you; that the moment we met all of those years ago, your name was forever etched into my very soul and from then until eternity, I was yours.

“I'll stick with you through anything and everything. On your darkest days, I'll hold the lantern for you, we'll get through them together, Keurin. I promise you that."

As the pair sat there, huddled together, a new day broke across the horizon, spilling a warm, golden light through the large glass doors that filled the apartment and bathed both of them in its glory.

1/2/13 - 10/9/24

-R.W.F.