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A Wolf In Deer...Clothing

Chapter One

© Cederwyn Whitefurr

15th September, 2024

All Rights Reserved.

Elara lay on her bed, the soft fabric of the quilt draped gracefully over her elk form. A small lamp on the nightstand cast a warm glow over the room as she flipped open her worn leather-bound diary. She took a moment to let her mind settle, running a hand absently down her chest and belly, the soft, sleek fur and the gentle touch soothing, yet giving rise to thoughts she fought to suppress within herself.

Behave yourself, Elara mentally chastised herself. You're writing this for your son, when he is old enough, you will give this to him. Your whole life—your hopes, fears, dreams and wishes, written in your own hand. Now, control your instincts doe, do what must be done.

Elara pulled her hand back up and shuddered, before she once again forced herself back into tranquillity. Finally, she began to write, her thoughts pouring out of her and onto the page in neat, clear words.

Diary Entry:

September 12th,

My dearest Fen,

It feels like a lifetime ago, that I first held you in my arms, a small bundle of grey fur, so fragile and new to this world. I remember that day vividly—standing in the orphanage, my heart pounding as they finally handed you to me. You were so tiny then, barely a week old, so young, so fragile, so...beautiful. There was a quiet strength in you even then. You nuzzled against my chest without hesitation, as if you already knew I would love you forever.

I did not care what the townsfolk whispered about me, a solitary elk cow adopting a carnivore pup. In their eyes, it was unnatural, foolish even! In my heart of hearts, I knew you were meant to be my son. From the moment I brought you home, the moment, in the quietness of our home, I held you, I protected you, I knew I would do anything to protect you from anyone who threatened your happiness.

That first night, in my bed, you a tiny pup, nursing from my breasts, like it was the most natural thing on earth, forming a bond between you, my son, and myself.

Elara sniffled and wiped a finger beneath her eyes, dashing away the tears that threatened to spill down her furred cheeks, a wavering smile creasing her dark furred lips.

I can only imagine your face whilst you read this. No child wishes to hear such thing, my son, but I never hid anything from you. Our relationship was based on honesty, truth and openness. I dreamed of giving you a life of love, of teaching you to find peace and kindness in this world, even when others did not understand. It was never about raising a wolf amongst the herd of my kind and others like me—it was about raising you, my son, a child I adored more than life itself.

As I lay here tonight, in my bed, alone except for my thoughts, the memories flood back so clearly. How you would lay with me, trembling terribly when the storms would frighten you so, or you had a terrible nightmare, I would wrap you in my arms, snuggle you close and just lay with you until my gentle heartbeat lulled you back to sleep.

You have grown so much my son, from that fragile little pup, into the strong, thoughtful young wolf you are today. I've watched you navigate this world with grace, even when it was not kind to either of us. I am endlessly proud of the person you have become.

Still, I can not help but feel a twinge of sadness. It hasn't always been easy, has it? This world can be so cruel, and sometimes I wonder if I truly did enough to shield you from the worst of it. I've always known you'd hear those whispers eventually—those horrible looks, the way the townsfolk spoke about us behind our back, what they think you will become. They do not know you like I do. They can not see the goodness within your heart, how I do.

But no matter what, our bond is unshakeable. I've always believed that love is stronger than fear, nurture can overrule nature. I hope you see that, too.

I love you Fen, I always will.

With all my heart,

Mom.

*

Elara sighed as she set the pen down, closing the diary gently. She allowed herself a moment of quiet, reflecting on the years she had spent raising Fen. Her love for him had never waved, despite the struggles they had faced together.

She glanced at the frame photo on her nightstand, a picture of her and a much younger Fen, his playful, lopsided grin, the way his broad tongue lolled out of the corner of his mouth.

Elara's heart skipped a beat, and her three fingered hand clutched at the bed sheets, as she fought to suppress the thoughts that filled her mind.

You know you can't hide from your urges forever... A voice, like her own, but subtly different, whispered in her mind. For an elk cow, your urges are surprising. Even out of the yearly rut, you can't help yourself, can you? That ache, that itch you can never truly scratch, that... desire, you can never satiate...

It took Elara more than fifteen minutes to drive those thoughts out, as she picked up the picture of herself and Fen, gazing longingly at it.

He had always been such a sweet pup, full of life and curiosity. Now he was almost 21, a young adult finding his own way in the world.

Elara sniffled, the tears that'd threatened to spill finally tracking down through her dark chocolate coloured fur, laying back on the bed and hugging the picture to her chest, letting herself drift into the past, to those early days...

So long ago...

*

The sun had barely risen over the tranquil hills when Elara, a majestic elk cow with a robust, graceful build, moved with a practised ease through her cosy kitchen. Her fur, a rich, warm brown with a lighter cream-coloured underside, shimmered in the soft morning light that spilled through the window. She hummed a quiet tune, as she set the table, the aroma of freshly prepared breakfast filling the air.

A heavy thudding came down the staircase, like a herd of elk in a panic, before she smiled and shook her head.

“Good morning Fen,” she called cheerfully, glancing over her shoulder. Her large, expressive eyes filled with love and maternal warmth. “I hope you slept well?”

At the kitchen table, Fen, a young wolf pup with a sleek grey coat, flopped into a chair, his tail wagging with excitement. “Morning mom!” he responded, his voice filled with youthful enthusiasm. “I had the best dream about exploring a giant forest. I wish we could go on an adventure like that.”

Elara smiled, her heart swelling with affection as she placed a bowl of salad and fresh locally sourced fruit in front of him. “Maybe one day, sweetheart. For now, how about we enjoy our breakfast, and plan our next little adventure? There's still a lot of forest behind our house, we can explore together.”

Fen's eyes lit up with joy as he began devouring his meal as only a wolf can—fast and ravenously--, the bond between doe and wolf clear and strong in their easy conversation and shared laughter and gentle, caressing touches.

*

The lively marketplace buzzed with activity and distractions, Fen's eyes everywhere, as he drank it all in. It was a vibrant tapestry of colours and sounds. Elara, carrying a large basket, with Fen by her side, wove their way through the crowd of assorted deer and other herbivores, the couples presence a striking contrast. Elara's imposing height and Fen's unique appearance drew curious, then dark, glances and murmured comments from those around them.

“Can you believe it?”

“That's a wolf? In our town?”

“He'll turn on her and...”

The whispers continued, swirling around them like an unending murmur. Elara's ears twitched with each hurtful comment, her outward calm masking the way her heart ached and her stomach tightened.

“It's unnatural,” another voice said. “They should stick to their own kind, we don't want them here...”

A low, almost sibilant growl began to escape Fen's throat, his hackles rising and lips curling in response. Before his anger could flare, Elara placed a paw on his shoulder, her touch calming him as she squeezed gently, wiping away the reaction before it had begun to build.

Elara continued to hold her head high, her expression impassive. She could hear the hurtful whispers but chose to not give into them, to retaliate and snap at them, only focusing on Fen, who walked beside her, his playful, gentle demeanour slowly turning confused and troubled, his once wagging tail slowly tucking as he flicked a glance up at his mother. She looked back, and Fen's eyes betrayed him, as he struggled to understand the hostility that seemed to follow them.

*

When they got home just after sun fall, Fen fled into the house and Elara sighed, placing her heavy, laden basket down on the counter. Elara walked upstairs to Fen's bedroom, then lightly rapped on the door, before opening it.

Fen's bedroom was dimly lit by a single lamp. The room, usually a comforting space, now felt heavy with the weight of Fen's distress. At twelve years old, Fen had curled up on his bed, his tail between his legs, hugging his knees to his chest and tears streaming down his muzzle. The hurtful comments he'd overheard weighted heavily on him, causing him to feel isolated and misunderstood.

Elara walked over and sat on the bed, then lay herself down, gently spooning against him, stroking his trembling pelt soothingly.

“Fen,” Elara began.

“Maybe they're right,” Fen whispered through his sobs. “Maybe I'm not meant to be here. I don't belong.”

Elara, sensing her son's distress, tried to pull him closer, but he shrank away from her.

“Fen? People can be cruel, my son.” Elara said softly, her voice soothing. “Their words come from fear and misunderstanding. What we have, our bond, is special and strong. It's something they may never understand, but it is real and important. You are loved, and that is all that matters.”

Fen remained still, his body tense. Despite Elara's comforting words, the sharpness of the day's experiences weighed on his young heart and mind. His paws clenched into fists, nails digging into his leathery paw pads as the pressure in his chest grew, pushing up and back against the safety of his mother's embrace.

“I don't want to be like this,” he muttered, voice muffled by the bed covers. “I can't stand it”

His breath quickened as a rush of unfamiliar sensations overwhelmed him. His heart pounding in his chest, not from anger, but a deep, gnawing fear he didn't fully understand. His body was changing—he could feel it. The way his muscles tensed, the way his senses heightened, the overwhelming instinct to protect himself from a world that refused to accept him.

“Mom, I—I can't—“ His words caught in his throat, replaced by a low growl he hadn't meant to make.

Fen's muscles tensed as he suddenly reversed their positions, and he loomed over Elara, his broad shadow stretching across her body. His eyes darkened, pupils dilating, locking onto her like a predator eyeing its prey. The air between them thickened with a sudden shift—an unspoken tension that hummed in his blood.

For a fleeting moment, his thoughts blurred, taken over by a primal instinct that pulsed beneath his skin. His breath became shallow, nostrils flaring as the caught the scent of her fear—just the faintest hint of it buried beneath her calm exterior. His mind warred with itself, a growing need surging through him to pin her down, to conquer, to claim her as his instincts demanded.

Take her. Hold her down. She's prey.

Fen's body reacted without thinking. His claws flexed, the muscles in his arms coiling as he leaned closer. The temptation was to act on instinct—so raw, so overpowering—sent a wave of heat rushing through his veins. He could feel it, the edge of control slipping, just barely tethered.

Elara, laying beneath him, kept her eyes locked onto his. Outwardly, her body was still, but beneath the surface, a storm raged within her. Every nerve in her body screamed to run, to flee from the predator towering above her. Her heart hammered in her chest, so loud she thought Fen might hear it. Fear clawed at her insides, a deep, primal terror that echoed through every fibre of her being.

She knew. If she let her fear show, if she so much as twitched, Fen's instincts might consume him. The predator within him might awaken fully.

Stay calm. Don't move. He's fighting it too.

She willed herself to breathe slowly, keeping her voice steady in her mind, though her limbs felt like they had turned to stone. Her pulse thudded in her ears, but she forced her breaths to remain even. Her throat tightened, but she dared not swallow, her body betraying her despite her outward control. The urge to submit, to show vulnerability, gnawed at her, but she swallowed it down, keeping her posture steady.

The terror coiled in her bell, but she knew better than to let it slip. She had to be calm. For both of them.

Fen's gaze flickered over her, and a pang of confusion rippled through him. Her scent had changed—her heart was racing, her body tense beneath him. He could feel it in the air, like electricity sparking between them. Yet, her eyes remained steady, locked on his with a calmness that did not match the fear he could sense and smell.

Why isn't she running?

She's hiding it.

His claws twitched again, the weight of his predatory nature pushing against the restraints of his rational mind. The struggle inside him tightened like a noose, pulling him in two different directions at once. His thoughts, for a second, sank into animalistic simplicity, clouded by instinct.

Pin her.

She is prey.

You're predator.

It would be so easy to slip, to lose control for just a moment.

But no. Not with Elara.

Mom.

His vision cleared, shame creeping in like a slow tide.

What am I doing?

Elara could see the conflict in Fen's eyes—the way his instincts warred with his affection for her. She could feel his weight shift above her, as thought he were fighting some invisible force pulling him towards her. Her heart clenched in her chest, a quiet terror rippling through her.

Stay calm. Don't show fear. He'll come back to you.

“Fen,” she said softly, her voice steady despite the wild beating of her pulse. “I'm not running. I'm here.”

Her words were a lifeline, pulling him back from the brink. His body trembled, the raw tension slowly ebbing from his limbs as he blinked down at her. The predatory gleam in his eyes dulled, replaced with something else—something familiar. Guilt. Shame.

He took a breath, heavy and ragged, before pulling back just enough to give her space. The tightness in his chest loosened, though the echoes of his primal urges still lingered, simmering beneath the surface. He swallowed hard, unable to meet her eyes for a moment, before the soft rumble of his voice broke the silence.

“Mom. I...almost lost it,” he admitted, his voice hoarse with regret. “I didn't mean to... I would never—“

“I know,” Elara interrupted, her voice still calm, through the storm within her hadn't fully subsided. Her hands moved slowly, deliberately, to rest on his chest. “But you didn't.”

Her touch was warm, grounding him, reminding him of what mattered beyond the instincts that clawed at his mind. She didn't flinch, didn't tremble, though her heartbeat was still quick beneath her skin. Fen could feel it. Yet, despite everything, she stayed.

“Fen, its okay,” she whispered, her voice steady.

Reality crashed over him like cold water. What was he doing? He pulled back, horrified at what he'd almost done. His paws shook as he backed away, ears flat against his skull. “I—I'm sorry. I didn't mean to, I swear.”

Elara sat up slowly, never taking her eyes off him. “Its okay,” she said again, even softer this time. “You're growing. Things are changing. I know. It's hard, but we'll get through this. Together.”

Fen's chest heaved, the weight of his fear and guilt pressing down on him. He looked at his mother, the love and patience in her eyes, and something inside of him broke. His legs gave out beneath him, and he collapsed onto his knees on the bed.

“Mom...” His voice cracked, barely a whisper. His heart felt as if it were being torn apart. All the fear, the confusion, the guilt—everything he had been holding in—burst free, and before he knew it, he had pressed his face against her breasts, muffling his sobs into her warm fur.

Elara's arms wrapped around him instinctively, pulling him close, her heart aching for her son. She rocked him gently, her hand moving in slow, soothing strokes over his back. “Shh, its alright, my love. You're safe. I'm here.”

She held him tightly, cradling his head against her breast, her warmth surrounding him like a protective barrier against the chaos swirling in his mind. The steady rhythm of her heartbeat beneath his cheek slowly calmed the frantic pounding in his own chest.

Fen's sobs quietened, though his body continued to shake. “I'm scared, mom... I don't know who I am anymore. I'm changing, and I can't stop it!”

“I know, Fen,” Elara whispered, kissing the top of his head softly. “But you don't have to be afraid. I love you, no matter what changes come. You will always be my son, and I'll always be here for you.”

As she rocked him, her gentle motions and sweet words began to calm his trembling body. For the first time that day, the overwhelming fear started to fade, replaced by the deep, abiding sense of love and safety only a mother could provide. Fen clung to her, feeling small and fragile, but in her arms, he knew he was safe.

Elara continued to hold him, her voice a soothing murmur as she whispered reassurances. The darkness that had clung to Fen began to recede, though the fear still lingered. In that moment, surrounded by his mother's love, he felt strong enough to face it at last.

“Mom?” Fen's nervous whimper come from his throat, as he lifted his eyes up to hers.

“What is is Fen?” Elara asked, once again tenderly kissing his head.

“Can I sleep with you tonight... please?” He sniffled, his eyes wide and scared. “I don't want to be alone...”

Elara nodded, then rose, and held her paw out, Fen placing his in hers, before she gently helped him off the bed, leading him into her room, then quietly closing the door behind them.

Elara guided Fen to the soft, plush bed in her room. The room was bathed in the subdued glow of a bedside lam, casting a warm, reassuring light that danced on the walls. The familiar scent of lavender and cedar filled the air, mingling with Elara's own comforting scent and presence.

With a tender smile, Elara sat on the edge of her bed and gently patted the space beside her. “Come on Fen,” she said softly. “let's get settled.”

Fen climbed onto the bed, his small frame trembling slightly as he nestled into the spot Elara had made for him. She pulled back the covers, and he crawled under them, finding comfort in the familiar texture of the blankets. Elara's soothing presence seemed to ease his fear, her gentle touch and calming voice wrapping around him.

Elara carefully arranged the blankets around Fen, tucking him in securely, but not too tightly. She sat beside him, running her fingers through his fur in slow, comforting strokes. “It's okay Fen. You're safe here,” she murmured, her voice a gentle lullaby.

Fen looked up at her, his eyes glistening with gratitude. “Thank you, mom,” he whispered, a sense of relief washing over him.

Elara leaned down and kissed his forehead once more. “I'm always here for you,” she assured him, her voice filled with warmth. She settled beside him, her presence and scent a steady source of comfort. As Fen's breathing grew slower and more rhythmic, Elara remained close, her own eyes drifting to sleep as she kept a watchful vigil over her beloved child.

In the quiet of the night, the room was filled with a peaceful stillness, the bond between mother and child a beacon of security and love.

*

Fen had turned fifteen the week before, now, as he sat at the breakfast table, his eyes were downcast and he absently stirred his porridge. He fidgeted in his seat, still trying to process the strange, vivid dream from the night before. It had left him with a confusing blend of embarrassment, curiosity and very sticky belly fur and sheets. His body felt different this morning, and he wasn't sure how to bring it up with his elk mother.

Elara noticed her son's hesitation, the way he seemed lost in thought. Gently, she placed a paw on his forearm, leaning in close before the scent filled her nostrils, causing her to gasp ever so softly. “Fen? Is everything alright?” she asked, her voice filled with concern.

Elara's mind whispered what she already knew. This wasn't just a strange dream, but a sign her son was growing up.

As Fen shifted uncomfortably in his chair, his cheeks flushed and his ears flattening. He wasn't sure how to answer, but something in his mother's tone made him feel safe, as though he could be honest with her. “I...I had a weird dream,” he muttered, then trembled, unable to meet her gaze.

Elara gave him a gentle kiss on the cheek, sitting down across from him, taking his quivering paws in her hands and gently squeezing them. “That's okay, Fen. You're growing up, and it's normal to feel confused sometimes,” she noticed the residual scent lingering around him, a scent she recognised before. Carefully, she broached the sensitive subject. “Did something happen before you woke up?”

A low, whimper escaped his lips, and he fumbled with his words, feeling both shy and embarrassed. “I... I don't know. It was...weird. Something...happened. My sheets were all...messy.” He spoke in a hurried whisper, glancing around nervously as if the walls themselves might overhear.

Elara leaned forward, keeping her voice quiet, a reassuring tone to it. “Fen? It's perfectly normal. As you grow up, as you have, your body will start to change. Sometimes, when you're dreaming, you might feel things that are new or strange to you. It just means you are getting older, becoming a young adult wolf.” Her voice was steady, filled with understanding, as she continued to tenderly hold his trembling paws.

Fen's face was still bright red, but there was a hint of relief in his eyes. “So... I'm not... This happens to everyone?”

Elara smiled nervously, torn between her relief and the weight of guiding him through the changes she could only empathise with from a distance. “With does, with women, its different. Similar, but different. No, my son, you're not unusual, or broken, or anything bad. It happens to us all. It's a part of growing up, learning about your body and its changes. There's absolutely nothing wrong with it, or you. You, my son, are maturing into your adult self. This is a beautiful and magical thing. A normal, natural cycle of life.”

Fin sniffled, then glanced up at her, letting out a small sigh, feeling some of the weight lift from his chest. “But why do I feel so...weird?”

“It's because your body is adjusting, changing, maturing,” Elara explained tenderly. “Your feeling might be more intense sometimes, and that can be confusing. But you don't have to worry—I'm here if you have any questions, or you ever need to talk. There's nothing you need to be embarrassed about, remember – openness and honesty, always, my son.”

Blinking back his tears, Fen sniffled and a weak smile touched his lips. “Openness and honesty, mom...thank you.”

Elara leaned forward and gently kissed him on the forehead, her heart swelling with pride for her wolf son. She knew as he continued to grow, there would be more conversations like this, more questions, and more changes. She also knew they would face these challenges together, with honesty and love.

As she watched him begin to eat, a quiet thought tugged at her heart. How she wished there was another wolf who could help him better understand his changes.

TO BE CONTINUED...