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[b][u][center]Expectations She Can’t Fulfill

Part 2

For Rayo_ElGatubelo

By Draconicon[/center][/u][/b]

When morning came, Samiya had managed perhaps three hours of sleep. It wasn’t uncommon that heat kept her up most of the night, and so far, she’d been lucky that it hadn’t been before a test or some big exam. That, and the fact that were-cats in general were fairly high-stamina with sex, meant that she didn’t lose out on as much energy as werewolves or some of the other were-species did. Oh, she was still groggy as she rolled out of bed and slapped her phone to silence, but it wasn’t the dead-sleepy feeling that she knew some of her fellow students would have had after so little sleep.

Still, she flopped back in bed afterward, huffing as the dildo that had been lodged in her during the sleeping hours finally popped free. Now that she wasn’t in heat anymore, she really wished she’d taken it out, but –

Well, certain things had to be done to allow her to sleep during those times, and that was one of those things.

Kicking the dildo away with a whimper, she ground her face against her pillow. The memories from the last night were still burned into her brain, and the sheer stupidity of forgetting that it was going to be a full moon still humiliated her.

[i]Idiot,[/i] she thought, huffing into her pillow. [i]Could have exposed yourself and the whole secret right there. What were you thinking?[/i]

Mostly about herself, when it came right down to it. Thinking about what would happen if Jibreel decided that he wanted to have sex, how she was going to handle that, and how she was going to get out of it. Thinking about what kind of things she could do to either get away, defuse the situation, or –

[i]He wouldn’t have.[/i]

But she couldn’t be sure about that, could she? Every excuse just felt so…so weak, even though she didn’t understand why. She thumped her head against the pillow again and rolled onto her back.

“Why can’t I be like everyone else?”

Hell, Samiya would take being like some of the other humans rather than the other were-cats she knew. At least they knew what they wanted from other people. All she knew was that she didn’t want what everyone else did.

[i]Sex, sex, sex…why is it always about sex?[/i]

Whether she was still in public school or dealing with all the social expectations of college, she kept running into that wall that was ‘sex.’ She wasn’t like everyone else, and every fucking situation that wasn’t as platonic or professional as could be got awkward for her.

She rolled onto her side. Even if it was uncomfortable, she needed to sort this out. She needed to figure out why she was having such a hard time with everything sexual, why she couldn’t just…get over it.

Or at least, what she needed to do to handle it. Something…something had to be done, or she’d make a mistake that she couldn’t just fix or run away from. And she needed someone that could help her out with this. At the very least, she needed someone that could listen to her and not judge her too much.

And someone that understood the were part of things, too. That ruled out 90% of therapists, that was for sure.

[i]Maybe Mughriya is free…[/i]

Her cousin went to Grant State, too, and she was just down the road at the sorority house. There was Naguiba, their aunt, as well, but that one…

A shiver of fear and disgust ran down her spine. There was something about Aunty Naguiba that always put her ill at ease. That was a werelioness that had some problems, and Samiya genuinely didn’t know how that woman still had a job as a professor here at the school, considering all her predilections towards abuse of power. The number of students that had ‘mysteriously disappeared’ over the years wasn’t large enough to get law enforcement down to the school, but she knew that there was something going on with Aunty Naguiba. She doubted that the older woman would have any solutions to her problems that didn’t involve a corrective orgy, anyway.

[i]Mughriya it is…[/i]

Forcing herself out of bed, she stumbled toward the shower and turned the water to as cold as it would go. That would go a long way toward both waking her up and getting rid of the last bit of heat in her veins.

#

It was a short walk, thankfully, to the sorority house. The rest of the campus was still bleary-eyed and waking up for the day, and she doubted that any of them clocked that she was still a bit off her game. She missed her tail a bit as she walked along; there was something about having the extra limb that made walking after a lack of sleep far, far easier than it otherwise would be.

Still, she managed to get to the sorority house without issue, and she walked up the steps to the front door. One of the sisters looked out the window and opened it for her, smiling in greeting.

“Hey, Samiya. Here to see Mughriya?”

“Yeah, is she…she free?” she asked, interrupted by a yawn.

“Yeah, should be. She had a guest come by earlier, but that was a while ago.”

“Thanks for the warning.”

“No sweat. Everything alright?”

“Just need to talk to my cousin about something.”

“Right, right. Top floor, second door on the right.”

Nodding her thanks, Samiya stepped inside and climbed the staircase. She was already back in her own head, trying to figure out how she was going to bring any of this up to her cousin.

[i]What the hell do I say? That I think I have a boyfriend but I don’t want to fuck him? Or – do I even go into last night? She’s going to call me an idiot, and she’s not going to be wrong. But what about all the other stuff going on? She’s so…so hyper-sexual that maybe she won’t even understand. Maybe this was a bad idea. Maybe I should just go back to the dorms and –[/i]

“Mmmph, fuck…”

She had been so lost in her thoughts that she didn’t even hear the moans coming down the hall before opening the door. Samiya stopped in her tracks, staring with eyes wide open at her cousin – still in feline form – getting fucked by a kitsune. The kitsune was on top, his knot battering at her cousin’s sex –

[i]Look away. Look away.[/i]

It was so shocking that she couldn’t follow her brain’s desperate request. All she could do was keep staring as Mughriya took a fox dick between her legs again, again, again until it popped right inside of her. The knot must have been at full size, because they both moaned at the top of their lung, clearly hitting climax.

More than anything, Samiya wanted to slam the door shut and run away, but that part of her that needed to talk was still in charge. Almost moving on autopilot, she stepped into the room and shut the door behind her, turning her back to face the big wooden board instead of the action on the bed in front of her. The image was burned into her mind’s eye, though, and the soft tremors of balls pulling up, of muscles tensing, of her cousin arching her back and thrusting her breasts in the air continued to blink before her eyes.

“Mmmph…someone…someone come in?” Mughriya muttered.

“Nnngh?”

“Tom, you little – did someone come in or – oh, Samiya! Hi. Didn’t expect you to be coming by today. Uh…you okay?”

“Didn’t expect to see all that…Are you…are you about…um…”

“Oh, yeah, we’re done. Tom just knotted with me and I’m waiting for that to go down. He’s pretty firm, though.”

“What the – you didn’t say anything about an audience,” the kitsune said.

“Oh, relax. It’s not like she’s going to be spreading anything. That’s my cousin, Samiya. Samiya, this is Tom. You want to say hi?”

[i]Not like this. Oh god, not like this,[/i] she thought, continuing to stare at the door and refusing to look anywhere else. She managed to shake her head, trying to speak without speaking, and ground her face against the door as the soft, squelching sounds of sex continued to fill her ears as the other two continued moving around on the bed.

“Mmmph. Yeah, this is going to take a while to come down. You want to wait in the hall while he gets soft enough to pull out? From experience, this is gonna take at least ten minutes, and, uh, you don’t look like you want to be part of a threesome or anything.”

“I’ll wait. I’ll wait in the hall.”

“I didn’t say that I wanted a second round. And god, I thought you locked that thing,” the kitsune said as Samiya left the room.

“Not my fault that you got off on someone staring at you knotting me.”

“…I’m not going to admit –”

Thunk.

Samiya slipped down the wall, her hands over her eyes as she tried to blot what she’d witnessed out of her mind. It wasn’t the first time that she’d caught a family member fucking, of course – that just happened with all kinds of were-cats, honestly – but it was the first time that she’d been caught that off-guard by it, and to see a knot popping into her cousin’s pussy was…something. Not arousing, but not something that she really wanted to be thinking about, either.

[i]One more reason that I’m a freak,[/i] she thought, wrapping her arms around her legs as she pulled herself into a little ball. [i]Anyone else in the family would be thinking of either eating her out or getting that knot away from her. And here I am, just…grossed out by it…and wanting to pretend that it didn’t happen…[/i]

She rested her head against her knees. Good lord, she hoped that she could figure out what was wrong with her sooner than later. This made life so much harder, and so much more isolating.

Thankfully, she couldn’t hear most of what was said or done in the room while she was waiting. Eventually, Tom pulled the door open, dressed and back in human form. He looked a little bit short, a little bit skinny, but that was part of the difference between one’s were-form and one’s human form. They were always something different to what you expected. He tossed his thumb over his shoulder.

“She’s decent.”

“Thanks…”

“You okay?”

“Nope.”

“See you in therapy.”

She couldn’t tell if he was joking or not. She decided that he was, and waited for him to leave before going into his cousin’s room. As she shut the door behind her, the smell of sex hit her square in the face, and she twisted her face up in annoyance.

“Still have that thing about sex, huh?” Mughriya asked, the other woman still in her lion form as she opened a window.

“Mmm-hmm.”

“That’s gotta be annoying.”

“You have no idea…”

It was one of the few times that she could actually talk about this, and she was grateful that Mughriya allowed her that space. The few times that she’d talked about it with her moms, they had looked at each other and clearly wondered where they’d gone wrong. When she tried to bring it up with someone in the were-history classes that Naguiba taught, they looked at her like she was some kind of alien. Considering how hyper-sexual were culture was, it was saying something when a were-cat of all things thought that it was a bit overrated, to put it mildly.

She rubbed her forehead as she sat on the edge of Mughriya’s bed, studiously avoiding the wet patches at one end, and got as comfortable as she could. Her cousin sat down beside her, patting her thigh with a clawed hand.

“What’s up?”

“A lot.”

“You had your heat last night, too?” Mughriya asked.

Samiya nodded.

“Annnnnd still no partner?”

She shook her head.

“…Don’t suppose the dildo’s getting any better?”

She shook her head again.

Mughriya winced in obvious sympathy and patted her back. Samiya just sagged forward, resting her hands on her knees and sighing.

“I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I’ve been like this since my first heat.”

“And neither of your moms looked good to you?”

“Nobody looks good to me.”

“Not even me? I’m hurt,” Mughriya said with more than a hint of playful sarcasm.

“I know, I know. You’re good at this, you’re very good at this. I know you spend summers stripping and showing off and people pay for it, and that’s…that’s so you, and you do it so well, and I just…”

She sighed, resting her head in her hands. As much as she tried to feel confident the way that their culture said they should, she couldn’t. All that history and pride in being a werelion, in supposedly knowing that she was amazing and that she was descended from the great hunters of the ancient savannah, didn’t mean a thing to her when she was so far behind all her peers. Was she supposed to be sexy? Was she supposed to be some sort of femdom, or some sort of slut, or…it was hard to tell.

“Wish I knew why you were like this,” Mughriya said, sitting a little closer to her. “I hate seeing you like this, girl.”

“I hate [i]being[/i] like this.”

“What’s going on, anyway? I know you said that you never did anything with your moms, but…you can’t still be a virgin.”

“Only if you count losing it to a toy.”

“…So…never?”

She shook her head.

“…Bast, you must have been fun at parties,” Mughriya said, rolling her head back and staring at the ceiling. “Considering the way that Naguiba’s parties always go, anyway; no idea if yours were as bad.”

“Probably not,” she admitted with a rueful chuckle. “At least we had a few things that weren’t touched by religion.”

“Lucky you, heh. But…seriously? Nothing? No guy ever touched your fancy? Or girl?”

Samiya shook her head.

“I never…got into that sort of thing. Oh, I had heats like everyone else, and they’re strong as anything, but…I never really had that sort of interest in someone. I tried. I thought maybe I’d be one of those girls that went both ways, since I felt the same about everyone, but every time that I tried to imagine myself having sex with them, it just…left me cold. Or, well, lukewarm; I don’t think we can get cold during heat.”

“Heh, wouldn’t it be great if we could? Shit sucks.”

“Oh, yes, it does.”

“How many did you need last night?” Mughriya asked.

“…Thirteen,” Samiya admitted, rubbing the back of her neck. “I don’t want to get into specifics, okay?”

“Right, right. You’re different.”

It wasn’t meant to be judgmental, she was sure, but it was one more reminder of how she was different, an outsider in her own family. They would talk about conquests, she would think about her friends. They would brag about the number of orgasms that they needed to get off on their heat, showing how much stamina they had, and she would want to be anywhere else but right there.

Every time.

Every single time.

She pulled her legs off the floor and pressed them against her chest as she sighed. What she wouldn’t give to be like Mughriya. At least then, she would have some pride in what she was doing, even if she wasn’t getting all that much out of it.

“Hey, hey,” her cousin said, giving her a gentle push. “Don’t start that.”

“Sorry. It’s just…a lot.”

“It’s fine. So you’re weird. All the humans think we’re weird. That’s just the way that things are.”

“Yeah, but at least you’re the right kind of weird.”

“…Okay, yeah, got me there. I get it easier than you. Though let me tell you, sometimes, the things that some of these guys want at the club? Ugh. Puts me off the idea for a whole week.”

A week of nothing. Try a lifetime of it.

Samiya managed to keep that part back, shaking her head and taking a deep breath. She traced a finger along the bedsheets, thinking about her future.

“I don’t know. I just…I’m hoping to find someone that’ll be understanding, that it’ll feel right with. Maybe I’ll feel like it when I’m, you know, with someone. Long-term, you know?”

“You find anyone like that yet?”

“I…think so?”

“What do you mean, you ‘think’ so? You like the guy, right?”

“Yeah, but…not the way that I think you like your guys and girls.”

The more that she thought about it, the harder it was for her to be sure. She [i]did[/i] like Jibreel more than she liked the other people that she’d been with, and it was more than just friendship, as well. She felt some sort of greater feelings for him, but every time that she tried to imagine going further, it was like some massive wall went up between her and him, making her afraid or…or like she didn’t feel the same sort of love for him anymore. It was terrifying, almost like she was going to lose him.

So, she tried not to think about it. Emphasis, of course, on tried.

“I just…I think Jibreel will be safe.”

“Jibreel, huh? Saudi?”

“How’d you know?”

“Aunty Naguiba; she’s got a thing for teaching names and what sounds come from where,” Mughriya said, waving her hand dismissively. “Basically insisted so that I’d know who was proper and who was not.”

“Heh…I don’t think she’d approve of him. He’s not one of us, and that’s about the most damning thing that you can be for her.”

“Heh, fucking true, there.”

“I just…”

“You just what?”

“I don’t know. I like him, he’s nice, and I think he’ll do a lot to take care of me. He cares a lot, but…”

“Buuuuut?”

“I…I have to admit that one reason I’m seeing him is that he feels…safer than the others. Like he’s not going to push until marriage, you know?”

“Putting aside the whole idea that you think that this is going to magically be solved by getting married to someone, why do you think he’s safer?”

“Well, he’s Muslim…”

“…And?” Mughriya asked, arching an eyebrow.

“W-well, that’s part of their religion, isn’t it? Not doing that before they get married? Don’t I have that right?”

“…One second.”

Mughriya grabbed her pillow and covered her face. For a split-second, Samiya thought she’d pissed her cousin off, but the scream she’d feared ended up being helpless laughter. The lioness giggled like mad into her pillow, sputtering and shaking as she did. She curled forward, all but falling off the bed as she giggled and guffawed.

All the while, Samiya blushed, curling up tighter and tighter into a ball. By the time that Mughriya finished, she’d become a little curled-up thing, laying on her side and looking away.

To her credit, her cousin immediately stopped and put the pillow to the side. Patting her side apologetically, Mughriya scooted a bit closer.

“Sorry, that…that was a little much, I guess.”

“Mmm-hmm.”

“But seriously. Do you know how many catholic customers I get?”

“Why would that matter?”

“Do you know how many use birth control?”

“So?”

“That’s against their religion, too.”

She slowly looked over her shoulder. Mughriya gently squeezed her shoulder.

“What I’m saying is, unless he tells you that he follows all those rules, you can’t make any assumptions. It doesn’t matter what someone’s religion says. In this day and age, they’re going to do what makes them feel good. Maybe he’s a good guy; maybe he’s going to follow all the rules and treat you nice, maybe he’s going to do all the good things that you think that he’ll do.

“But you can’t just assume, girl. You can’t just think that people will follow the rules. Because people don’t do that. I don’t think they ever did.”

“But…”

“No buts, Samiya,” Mughriya said, squeezing her shoulder and helping her sit upright again. “Ain’t the way that it works. Some men are good, and they’re probably out there, waiting to be found, but you can’t just assume they are. You have to find out. And if this is so bad for you…”

“I can’t just tell him. Not if he…”

“So, what, you’re going to wait until you get married and hope that you just turn out to be ‘normal’ for the right guy?”

It was a hard question to hear, and a harder one to answer. As a matter of fact, she didn’t even have one. She looked down at her hands, thinking about what would happen to her in the future if that didn’t happen.

She couldn’t think of a man or woman who’d want to be with her, not in a single, monogamous relationship.

She didn’t know if she could compete with people that shared out sex like that.

She didn’t think that there was anyone that would want her if she was…frigid, something that no cat should be.

“…This isn’t helping,” Samiya muttered.

“Sorry, but if you’re not thinking about this, you should be,” her cousin said. “I don’t know what it’s been like, living like this, but it might be time to start thinking about what to do if this just…is how you are. I mean, unless you want to go looking for some way to ‘fix’ it – and I dunno if you can – then you gotta start thinking about what you’re going to do the way you are. You don’t want to lie to people, right?”

“…No.”

“Then you need to think about what you’re going to do if things don’t get better when things go further. If he’s gonna want sex once you get married – and a lot of men want it before that – then what are you going to tell him?”

“I don’t know.”

“Something you better figure out. Otherwise…”

Samiya could all too easily imagine the ‘otherwise.’ It would either be the thing that broke their relationship, or it would be the thing that made her do something that she could never take back. If he actually tried to force it, then there were ways that she could stop him, but those ways would mean that he’d never be the man that she liked again. Hell, he might not even live through it, and that was more than she could deal with.

And yet, at the same time, confessing that she was so much less than he was, confessing that she was just a weird, damaged woman that didn’t even feel attraction…fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck.

“I wish I was like you,” she muttered.

“Heh, no, you don’t.”

“Yes, I do. I really, really do,” Samiya said, looking up at her cousin. “You’re you. You know who you are, you know what you like, and you just…do it. You go out there and do what you want without freaking out, without being afraid, and it’s not fair. You just…you get to feel like that golden child of Bast, and all I can do is watch you, wishing that I could just let go and enjoy it when nothing in me will let me do that.”

No attraction, no understanding of love, no safety in being herself, no pride in her body and heat: it was all gone, and in its place was just a sense of disconnection, like she wasn’t really a person, just…

Just a thing.

Just a thing that didn’t get what everyone else understood so easily.

Samiya could feel herself edging toward a breakdown, and that was the last thing in the world that she wanted to go through while sitting with her cousin. She tried to stand up, but just as her feet touched the ground, Mughriya grabbed her by the hand.

“Don’t even think about it.”

“What –”

“You’re not just gonna run off.”

It was a strange moment, but Samiya couldn’t bring herself to fight it as Mughriya pulled her back down on the bed and pulled her into her arms. It wasn’t comfortable, per se, considering that the other woman was still naked, fuzzy, and showing off far more flesh than Samiya was entirely comfortable with seeing (or feeling), but there was a sense of comfort in just being held in that moment. After a few seconds, she was able to put her arms around the other woman, giving her a hug in return.

“Sorry. I didn’t…I didn’t mean to just…shout like that,” she muttered. “I’m just…”

“Scared?”

“And so…so lonely…”

Mughriya nodded, the other lioness’s hug tightening for a moment before slowly letting go. Samiya let it happen, just taking one deep breath after another as she calmed herself down.

“I don’t know what to tell you,” Mughriya said. “Everything that I’ve learned has been about having fun, having pride, and sex. A lot of sex. So, I don’t know what to tell you about what you’re going through, except…be honest. Be honest with yourself, with that Jibreel of yours, and everything else.”

“I thought we were supposed to be all secretive and mysterious,” Samiya said, chuckling ruefully.

“About the big secret, yeah. But about everything else? When you have one big secret to keep, everything else has to line up, or people start asking questions. So…figure out who you are, what you want, and find a way to tell him. Or you’re going to break his heart and yours down the line.”

“…Thanks.”

“One reason I like my life. No love life, no hearts to break.”

Samiya pushed Mughriya, but not in bad spirits. This talk wasn’t what she’d had in mind coming to the sorority, but it had helped a bit, if only to help her isolate the sorts of things that were bothering her.

And much as she hated to admit it, her cousin was right. At the very least, Jibreel should know what her expectations were, and what he actually COULD expect from her going forward. That was only fair, particularly as she wanted to be able to expect safety and a lack of sex until marriage.

[i]And maybe after…[/i]

It was a bit of an eye-opener for her. Until that moment, she hadn’t even thought about putting it off even further. After all, it would be enough of a miracle to just last until they were at the altar and avoid having sex with someone. Going any further had never occurred to her, but now that she thought of it –

She didn’t know if she was more broken than she realized, or if there was just some greater truth out there that she’d yet to learn. All she knew was that, when she thought about it, the most that she could see sex as was a favor for someone that she liked. Doing it with someone because she wanted it just…didn’t feel possible.

“I’m going to have a lot to think about,” she admitted.

“I bet. But for now, how about you bring Jibreel over for dinner? Me and Naguiba, maybe a few of the rest of the clan.”

“…Me, bringing a non-were to Naguiba? Do you really think that’s a good idea?”

“Probably not, but she’s usually got good enough manners to last for a meal. And it’d piss her off a bit.”

It would do more than that, she knew from painful experience. Their aunty was more of a fascist about the superiority of the were-people than most, something about being raised by cultists or something. She’d never really dragged out a good answer regarding how her aunt had turned out the way that she had. All she knew was that the other woman was…strange, and did not look kindly on most humans.

Bringing Jibreel along to a dinner with the Qawwis would be the ultimate acid test for their relationship – well, alongside her revelation – and she knew that it would be hard for either of them to come out of that unscathed. At the same time…well, if she could show herself as somewhat ‘normal’ to her aunty, that would go a long way toward smoothing out some of her own discomfort during the classes. And it might get Naguiba at least temporarily off her back about behaving like a proper follower of Bast or whatever she was on about that week.

That…might be worth it, honestly.

“I’ll ask him, but I can’t promise anything,” she said, squeezing her cousin’s hand. “But I’ll be there, regardless.”

“Heh, I’ll keep a chair for you.”

“Thanks.”

“Hey, thank you. So, uh, if you see anyone cute downstairs –”

“I’m not sending them up.”

“Can’t blame a girl for trying, heh. Some of us have longer heats than others.”

“You’re not in heat; I’d smell that.”

“Yeah, but [i]they[/i] don’t know that,” Mughriya said with a wink.

Shaking her head, Samiya got to her feet again and left. Much as she appreciated the talk, they were getting back on a subject she didn’t like. Best to get out while things were still good between them.

Yet, while she walked downstairs and thought about what she’d tell Jibreel, she couldn’t help but wonder what things would be like if she [i]was[/i] like Mughriya. Besides, of course, having had Jibreel at least three times already.

[b][u][center]The End[/center][/u][/b]

Summary: Samiya goes to talk to her cousin. She doesn’t get much answers, but does get a reality check.

Tags: M/F, Exposed, Sexual Confusion, Human, Lioness, Werelioness, Kitsune, College, University, Knotted, Vaginal, Embarrassed, Emotional, Talking It Out, Series,