Through our Bones
Kurtis is a young man choosing a new life and a new body, in a modern society which hasn't caught up with its technology. His family rejects his decision, daily life is a struggle and dating has become more interesting than ever.
Chapter One: Still the same
He was about to have coffee with the most despised man of his life, and no easy way to navigate the city. Alright. This one must be it. He was just standing there for a moment. New body, new way of maneuvering the city. Both physically and digitally. Street signs were hard to spot, and to him every coffee place looked, smelled and sounded the same — including their names. According to the "beast-folk-inclusive" sign, he found the right one. Kurtis thought about his father, and that despicable man was barely present in his mind. Only a couple of flashing pictures. What exactly did the old man look like again? He would soon find out. Even though he would have preferred not to. It would be cruel not to show your own father what you have chosen to become, and by now it was overdue for about a week. He caught himself wishing to just press a skip button and go on with the next part of the day — unfortunately, life wasn't a video on demand. What would father think of it? That guy never had much left for online-dating. One thing was certain — his dad would not approve of him dating a stranger — let alone a stranger, who didn't even specify any personal information. No gender, no age, no photo. But a beast-folk. Intriguing enough for him. A couple messages, and that was it.
He shook his head — it was time to face the inevitable. He entered the cafe. It smelled like every other coffee place. No need to search for long. He barely remembered the look of his father — however, once he spotted him in the corner, his mind filled in the blanks. He loved sitting away from the windows: passing strangers were creeping him out. Just like mirrors. Can't blame him. He was reading a newspaper. Just standing here, watching him would be so much easier. At this point, anything was more captivating than the thought of approaching — at least in this form. It wasn't easy at all to familiarize with a new type of feet — paws are quite different, but they were just as hesitant. It's just a man waiting for his son. No reason to freak out. One step after the other.
He found the courage to step up, "Hey dad." The old man looked up at him, adjusted his glasses and put the paper down. He coughed. And then silence. Thanks for the great conversation, dad. Time to sit down and have a proper conversation. His father's eye was twitching.
"So... when did... that... happen?" his father asked.
"About a week ago." he replied. Already off to a great start.
"A week ago. And this morning you thought you should tell your dad?" the old man said.
"Well... yes. I thought it was about time." he replied. Of course, two sentences in, and dad's already throwing accusations. Wonderful.
"How did you get approved for that?" father asked. "Oh, it was Mark, wasn't it?"
"Yea. He got me a contact and there... we kinda just went for it." Kurtis replied. There was no possibility to let a comforting lie roll over his tongue.
"Look... Kurtis."
"... Yes?"
"I am honestly disappointed that you did not even ask about my opinion. Or your mother's."
"Mom was fine with it."
"So, you did speak with her, but not with me?"
"I... You... I thought you wouldn't understand."
"Look at you. I don't even know who you are anymore. You look completely different."
"Yes... that was kind of... the point."
His father scoffed. "You look nothing like the boy your mother and I gave birth to. What am I supposed to make of this?"
"Nothing, dad. It was my choice."
"Look, son, I have no idea how to handle this situation yet. The son I loved and I saw growing up is gone. Forever." his father finished. What a liar. Such a dirty liar.
"But I am still here, dad."
"You are a cat now. Or a panther. I have no idea what you beast-folks call yourself now. I am trying to understand, but it's hard, Kurtis."
"It's okay dad. I am still your son. I just... wanted to be something else." Kurtis replied. His chest was clenching. Every muscle tensing up, as if he was staring down a lion. His father met his eyes.
"You say it's okay? I would love it to be this simple, but it isn't. I will need time to... think about what you did. I will try to come to terms with this... but don't expect me to be over it any time soon." his old man said. And that man was lying again. The memories were returning. A school bell ringing — waiting for a man who never came. Playing with his shadow in the garden. Reading stories to himself, to have at least one voice to cling to.
"Thank you for trying dad." he said. It was time to get up and leave this place behind. Hopefully forever. He stood, walked, nearly threw over the table by accident. On his way to the train station this panther walked through puddles of rain and memories alike. A playground. A son. And the absence of a father.
Chapter Two: Who I am
Not a single ticket in reach and the time is ticking. The website was on maintenance mode earlier. Train is arriving in two minutes. Wonderful. Barely any time left. His momentum was decreasing as he was arriving at the transit terminal. Yup. From here... to... yes, it starts with D and continues with... there... yes. That's it. He put one paw on his hips while waiting for the system to load up the next page. Tapping his foot... claw... paw... on the slick concrete grid. Ridiculous. Are we still living in the stone ages? Mighty first impression. Not even able to get there in time. A growling sound rolled of the tracks. His Heart was pounding, and he felt the adrenaline taking over. No, it's okay. Keep calm. Oh, come on. An error occurred while loading the ticket. He heard it, before he saw it — a deep rumbling sound. He turned around. The train was rolling into the station. Fuck. Not good. Another quick glance at the malfunctioning transit terminal. He kicked the damned thing just as heart-felt as paw-felt. He straightened, face contorted. His eyes became wet. Mental note to wear boots next time. He watched the machine for a second — and then shook his head. Pain forgotten — or at least overshadowed. His legs started moving on their own, alongside the platform. Okay. Last resort. Maybe the phone. He threw his paw into his jeans' pocket and attempted to grab the phone — paws too big. Okay, might hurt, but just cram it in there. Ouch. Ouch, that doesn't work. New pants. Time to get new pants. He tried to grab it with just two of his claws — that worked a lot better. Oh. His claw stuttered and scraped over what felt like the display. He pulls it out of his pocket — and gravity pulls it out of his grasp. Shit, shit, shit. No need for a proper display anyway. That thing goes straight into the next bin after this. Train? Still there. Just get in and worry about the ticket later? Hm. Hmm. The phone still works, if the app loads up in time... ah. For fuck's sake. How hard can it be to press a button? Paws. Why did he transform again? He looked at his trembling paws, the unresponsive screen and all his muzzle had to offer was a hiss. The train's doors closed. A sharp, piercing note of departure. Loud and clear.
His eyes narrowed. He clenched his teeth as he saw the promising meeting to start rolling away at a snail's pace. You would think you could catch it, when you watch it rolling away like this — but the door wouldn't open. Doors were closing for him left and right — this was no different. He placed his paws on his hips. When the sky offered no answers, his gaze dropped down to the tiled ground. Studying the exceptional work of the craftsman of this tragic geometry was compelling in moments like these. That one time you need the train to be late, it's on point — classic. The jokes didn't lift any baggage. Not this time. A couple steps towards the nearest waiting shelter. He sat; and he lifted a paw, meeting his chin. So, what now? Back home? Back to dad? Was he still around? No idea. Could have been anywhere by now. Phew. Man. This sucks. His paw moved up to cover his face — forever, or so he wished. He remained like this for the entirety of the duration of twenty awful conversations with his father. He rested his head on his fists — gaze drifting towards the rail crossing. The railway barriers went up. His eyelids dropped in a slow, pained blink. Among one of the people waiting to cross over he noticed a focused guy. The sunglasses made that person look silly in the rain. That guy was a beast-folk just like him — a clearly athletic wolf. And the wolf picked up pace — went into a full sprint almost immediately. Had places to go and people to see, most likely. Looks graceful, to soar over the pavement like that. He himself wouldn't be able to run like that in a hundred years... and yet... no. Silly thought. He tried once and won't do it again. He never had a reason to try either. Except now he did. His mind reeled back to the person he was supposed to meet. Wouldn't it be great if he could... however... running in these pants would be hell. As if anybody would run that distance anyway. He lifted himself up from the bench. He was going home now. He was going now. Going. It wasn't easy to use the phone, but it was accessible enough to turn it on and take a glance at the clock. His eyebrows raised and he was staring at the numbers. Not in despair, but in measurement — and that was more than enough for now. This was not going to work. There was no way he would arrive there in time. Not a chance — but his leg moved on its own accord. This was crazy. Just thinking about it was way too optimistic — yet his body kept moving, picking up pace. His heart was pumping. A familiar pressure; an unfamiliar activity. Bones and muscles were working in unison. He was inhaling the fresh air — taken aback to simpler times. Images of him and his friends playing in the fields were flooding his mind, but they were more detailed than they used to be. They were different; and they were the same — all at once. He was running. A quick glance at his phone. If he wanted to arrive in time, he would need to hurry up.
Chapter Three: Not as Different
Fine men, fine women, fine non-binaries — and one soggy, sweaty panther. No better way to have a first date in a new body. There were other beast-folk around. That was reassuring. Some of them in finer clothes, some of them more casual. But even the people in simple shirts were an upgrade to his appearance. The restaurant shared its warmth with him — one of two comforting sensations of this place. The other one being the smell of good food, contrasting with an aroma that reminded him about his dad's old dog after an hour long walk on the coast — and the according bath in the ocean. A quick glance at the watch — just fifteen minutes late. What an amazing first impression. He glanced at the door to the restroom and then over to the seats. He took a deep breath, tilted his head and then started dragging himself towards the next stomach-pain inducing meeting. It was warm in here — his blood was feeling just as cold as the rainwater rinsing through his black fur. Table fourteen. That's what they said in the message, right? There was no possibility to check. This time he would need to rely on his memory. Only a few things are sucking as much as living in a digital world and not being able to use a phone. Okay. There it is. Hm. Alright. Just one person sitting there. That should be Meeka. He arrived at the table. Just stood there for a moment.
"Hey. Name's Kurtis. I got distracted by tantalizing water puddles on my way here."
He was smiling softly — his eyes were not cooperating with his grinning muzzle. Hm. No reaction from the window watcher. What should...
"Hey, Kurtis. Nice to finally get to meet you." She grinned, although she wasn't looking at him. In fact, she did not even turn her head. Was she angry, because he was so late?
"Sorry, should I visit the restroom first? I might look like my father's dog smells."
"No, you just got here. Sit down and rest a moment. You look like you were rock climbing. Unless you want to, of course." She said, giggling.
"Oh, it's fine. I'm already qualified for ghosting; I don't want to be awarded with a gold medal." he replied. She closed her eyes, shook her head slightly and smiled.
"I appreciate it. So, what do you think? What did you expect?"
"Nothing in particular. I was ready for surprises. And this — is a pleasant surprise. Fine cat lady. I on the other hand... paw — must look absolutely stunning to you."
She was inspecting him now. But he couldn't help thinking he fell on his face on his walk here. Or was born without a nose.
"It's not as bad as you think, really. Although you do have a bit of a resemblance with someone who got put on a leash and pees on the sidewalk." She replied.
Alright. Active mind. Maybe it was a bad choice to draw a comparison with a dog, but he was forced to eat out of his self-filled bowl now.
"I only pee against the wind, so the sidewalk is safe. Besides, I didn't really care who was waiting for me here. Didn't really care for beast-type. As long as you're real, I can work with one, two or no tails at all."
She chuckled — and was resting her head on her paw now, gaze never really meeting his.
"So... why a panther? Did you have a choice?" She asked. He wasn't sure what to think of that. She sounds genuinely interested, but suspicion crept into his core, due to a lack of a pair of eyes to connect to.
"Yes, I did. Not a large selection, but I wanted panther anyway." He said, pausing for a moment. He studied the plant hanging from the ceiling, as he was searching for memories.
"My mom liked to take me to zoos when I was younger. They had one of those majestic black leopards there. Mom told me I was glued to that animal's enclosure. Dad was pissed off that I didn't want to leave... so my mom bribed me with a panther-necklace from the gift shop. Been working in that zoo the last couple years. Stopped when I knew I was about to transform. Feels weird working in a zoo, looking like this." He took a breath — and raised his paw.
"And what about you? Sorry, but are you a puma?"
She raised an eyebrow, saying "No, I'm a cougar".
"Aren't a cougar and a puma the same thing?"
"Not to me, mister leopard." She said, looking serious for a second — before she cracked up and smiled. He smirked.
"Alright, alright, cougar and panther, I got it." He added, forcing a giggle out of her.
"Would you tell me, how you transformed, Kurtis?"
"Oh, hm. Well. I didn't really have the opportunity to take the... official route. A good friend of mine was taking care of me while I was passed out for... a week or so. That stuff is horrible. Basically transformed me while sleeping. Didn't really feel much when I woke up. And couldn't walk for days." he explained. She looked down at the card in front of her, putting her paws together.
"Hm... they should ease the requirements."
Her face darkened. He tensed up. Opposing to his father, she wasn't paralyzing him with a piercing glance through his soul, but he couldn't help being reminded of his conversation earlier this day.
"My father wouldn't have... signed it." he said. She raised an arm again, covering one of her eyes and tilted her head towards the glass window.
"It's unfair. Nobody should be allowed to tell you what body you can or can't have. Sorry, that you had to do... what you had to do."
Her words struck a chord. His eye started twitching. Had to take a breath. Paws were gripping the table, searching for the kind of control his eyes were about to lose. Now he was avoiding eye contact. He felt a paw on his.
"It's okay. You are alright, and you're okay the way you are." She said, with a calm and soothing voice. Hardly a way to keep being composed now. Processing that, once more invited the rain to his eyes — this time for healing. And this time he wasn't left alone. To play outside — being isolated with his thoughts.
"Thank you" he mumbled. Two very simple words, but he meant them.
"You're welcome" she said, tightening the grip, as if he was about be carried away by the rain. "Do you feel good in your new body?"
"... I do. Just... people make it hard to enjoy it."
"I see. Seems like you had a rough time, but I am here if you want to talk. We could also take a walk. Or order some food. I think the waiter has been eyeing us up for a while now. I'm up for both. Your call." she said, letting her warm paw glide over his — tracing gentle lines in his soaked fur. Her touch was reassuring. Calming. Soothing. A part of him just wanted this to last a little longer. His stomach was heavy and his eyes still wet — once again, his legs were the only part of him full of energy.
"Let's take a walk then."
"Sure. We could also see what else we could do this evening. Did you have any other plans after this? Could meet at your place and just watch a relaxing movie or something like that." She offered a gentle smile. Whatever she meant — he was not going home today.
"I'd rather not go back home." he said, eyes fixed on their paws. Being stuck in that house, with constant reminders of days passed was a thought that made his stomach turn. Her face lit up.
"Ah, I can show you some tricks on the way. And if you don't want to be home tonight, you could also stay over at my place instead, if you'd like. No pressure. Just an offer to be in a room in which you can be yourself." She said, tilting her head slightly. She was smiling gently. It was a genuine offer. No pressure. No expectations. An invitation not to be alone with himself. And that was — enticing. And she was just as much. He looked at her, and for a short moment, he was a boy again — but this time, it was a cougar, not a panther.
"Thank you, Meeka." he said, looking forward to being welcome tonight.
Chapter Four: A Place for Me
He was pinned between fur and fabric; his mind failed to comply. This was new. A new body. Both his and hers. Few things were as enticing as this cougar on top of him. There was a lingering desire building up within him — strangely enough, not for her. Not in the way he expected. She helped him understand himself better, showed him how to move, climb and grab things more accurately. She really did care for him... or that's what the fuzzy warmth in his chest suggested, every time he was looking at her. He wanted to give something back; he wanted to make her feel appreciated and desired. There was no muscle memory left — no familiarity with what he was doing; a stranger in his own body. He could see himself sitting up, taking responsibility and making her feel the way he himself always wanted to. His arms froze when he was commanding them to move. His legs were shaking slightly — not in a good way. Reminded him of that one time he was supposed to sing in front of his class. He felt a paw above his heart, gently working through his black fur.
"Feels weird, doesn't it? Try to focus on your nose. When I was in your position, that used to help me a lot." She said, eyes still closed. For all he cared, they could have done this in the dark, if that comforted her. But she insisted: a dimly lit room. Her paw found its way to his chin — gently graced over his jaw. His eyes closed by themselves. It was like cuddling with your favourite plush — but this one was warm by itself and cuddled you back. And its hips were rolling into yours. Delightful friction. She was right though. Once concentrated on smelling, it became easier to return to the presence. He could almost see the scents in the darkness of his inner eyes. Freshly washed sheets, cherry-flavoured candles and the lavender shampoo he was washing himself with earlier. Her mint breath, a faint trace of rain from the clothes which were discarded earlier — and something unfamiliar. It smelled similar to his own fear of not being enough — it was different. Less intense. And he wasn't the source. He could only describe it as nervousness.
"Are you feeling alright?" he asked. She placed a paw on his'.
"Someone's using his nose." She said, and giggled. "Yes, I am alright. I just want you to feel comfortable without pushing too much."
"Ah, don't worry, you're pushing just right." he replied, a rumbling purr escaping his throat. That was unexpected. The cougar was giggling and smiling as if she was spectating a panther enclosure — just not the panther. She tilted her head towards the ceiling, a slight smirk forming on her muzzle, and placed her paws on his his chest. Her graceful movements became more insistent. She was pressing downwards; his hips were driving upwards in response. His legs were sliding over the fabric, caressing his padded feet. Stretched them out, anchored them in the mattress. His paws found her hips — this time all on their own. She was purring too now — and she likely had no idea how much of a gift that was to him. He caressed her thigh, intensity aligned with the volume of the rumbling he was so drawn to.
"Would you... let me try?" he asked. She smiled; her gaze still fixed on the ceiling.
"Sure. Promise to enjoy yourself — it's no movie. Just you and me." She said.
A tremor of doubt crept into his bones — but he pressed on. He already asked and already received permission. Too late to be hesitant. He slowly sat up and took a moment to hug her tightly. For a moment they were melting. It was always meant to be like this. No rain, no father, no loneliness, no oddities, no strange glances, no therapists, no doctors, no dealers. Just him and her — being who they were meant to be. He thought about his run towards the restaurant and the missed train. He clenched his legs — and for once he was certain it was gratitude he felt. For his decisions. For being himself. And for his new body. His paw found its way below her thigh — with a practiced ease he feared was lost to him. The other paw gently traced her curves and moved to her back — and then he gently rolled on top of her. She gasped when she fell into the mattress and her eyes shot open. She rapidly closed them, as she noticed she was having eye-contact — her brows furrowed, and she gritted her teeth. He sat, up-right in her lap, taking distance from her.
"It's alright. You don't need to look if you don't feel like it." he said, as soothing as he could. She felt tense beneath him. Quivering. She held onto his thighs this time around.
"T-thank you for the offer... b-but... I want to try." she replied. He worked his paws through the fur along the curves of her waist, tracing the sides of her chest.
"Take all the time you need." He whispered. Her breathing slowed down, and her muscles relaxed. She took a deep breath and then opened her eyes. She took a quick glance. Brief eye contact. She flinched — but tried again soon after. She couldn't ever hold his gaze for long, but she was trying her best. The trust she had in him and the way she was trying to see him — really see him, was doing more for him than any act itself ever could. He was yearning for connection. This time it was him leading the pace — still slow and gentle, but with newfound passion and an undeniable need. He wanted to feel her, with fur, skin and bones alike. He was used to closing his eyes and letting go, but this was different. He wanted to see her — the effort she made to see him in return. She did this for him, and he wanted to savour it. There she was purring again, and he joined her. No need to hold back. He let her know with a low and trembling purr — steady and unashamed. She filled his ears, his nostrils and his mouth in a muffled kiss — warmed him entirely, and he hugged her tightly, coming to a blissful stillness.
"So, what was it like? Your first time in this body?" she asked, giggling into his shoulder.
"Certainly, an experience." he responded, watching the screen. Both Meeka and the couch beneath him were an invitation for a good time. "Thank you for letting me stay tonight. I never felt so seen... so alive before. I think I may have... finally arrived in my body." he added. She looked up at him, smiling gently, and drawing lazy circles in his fur.
"You deserve to feel good in your body, Kurtis. And to choose what that looks like for you." she said. No bad memories came to mind, fighting for his attention. He listened to her, and his body relaxed. The cougar sat straight and huddled up closer to him.
"No matter where these bones of yours end up some day — they are made to make you happy, here and now. And that's what counts. An expression of yourself. Please, remember that." she said, almost pleading. He nodded.
"Well then. There are lots of places I would like to show you — to make new memories in. At least... if you want to stick around for a little longer..." he said. And for a moment he saw the rain again. The playgrounds. His father.
"I would love to." She replied, giving him a beaming smile. A soft laugh. And the grim thoughts, grey clouds, were banished as soon as they came. Washed away by gratitude, carried away on wings of hope. He found a place he liked. A person to connect to. Memories to be made.
A place to belong.