R34R: Golly, What a Dick! (Robin Hood)

Story by Domus Vocis on SoFurry

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Say hello to the first winner of the Rule #34 Raffle: Robin Hood! Decided to publicly post this a week early in anticipation for Anthrocon next week.

In this Rule #34 story, we have Robin Hood and Little John trying to survive their first winter as outlaws. In the middle of Nottingham Forest in the dead of night, struggling to keep the cold at bay with a fire, our duo discovers another more intimate way to keep themselves warm.

Thank you all for participating in our first poll, as well as the runner up. I hope you'll enjoy the next poll that comes up later this month, and I hope that you enjoy what I came up with here!

P.S: I didn't realize until now how much the abbreviation for Rule #34 Raffle is spelled 'REAR' in leetspeak, hehehe.


Robin Hood and Little John hid themselves in Nottingham Forest, shivering from the cold. It was the first day of winter for them since deciding to become outlaws. It had been a successful several months of mayhem, stealing from the rich and giving to the poor, yeah their good deeds provided little comfort for the fox and bear trying to sleep within their camp.

While Prince John, his staff, and the Sheriff of Nottingham all ate and rested luxuriously inside their homes, and the rest of the town remained indoors to ward off the shivering winds and incoming snow, our heroic duo huddled inside an open-mouthed cavern. The fire was nearly out. Their makeshift beds and stolen silk blankets did the little to insulate them from the cold. Robin regretted not getting himself and John the appropriate winter clothing throughout late Autumn.

In all fairness, the two mammals have been expecting either King Richard’s return before winter fell, or planned to hibernate inside Friar Tuck’s church if the Lionheart hadn’t returned before the end of autumn. However, the ever-loyal badger of God did warn them of the Sheriff suspecting their plan and warned Robin in time before they could fall into a trap. Now, the hidden cavern would have to do until they could steal the appropriate winter clothes. Either from a noble or someone higher up. Or maybe they could ask Friar Tuck to find something.

Robin’s teeth chattered as he huddled close to John. The big, burly bear trembled beside him as they stared at the dying embers, then reluctantly reached for a log from the pile to toss it in. Stray stars erupted from their impacts, followed by flames that began consuming the chopped wood. Robin and John exhaled in slight relief from the rekindling fire’s warmth, but it wasn’t enough.

John asked, “You okay, R-Rob?”

“I-I-It’s c-cold than…” he shuddered, attempting to laugh despite his chattering teeth and stuffy nose. “Colder than P-Prince J-John’s h-heart…”

“Hehe, ya got that right…” John chuckled. His elbows nudged Robin’s arm. “C-C’mon, let’s sh-share a b-blanket. Blankets. It’ll h-help us c-c-conserve warmth…”

“Good idea!” Robin murmured, quickly scooting until his and Little John’s blanket covered them both. The fox sighed happily, feeling himself hip-to-hip against the large bear. “Ahhh…Much better…”

The two mammals huddled closer when a gust of wind howled inside the cavern, yet the fire remained burning. The log sat aflame and provided light in the darkness. As Robin glanced up at his larger friend, the fox was surprised to find himself raised in the air, then place back down as if he weighed nothing.

They were suddenly cuddling, confusing the outlaw who lay between the blankets and Little John. “What the—? J-John?”

“Need to share m-more body h-heat, Rob,” the brown bear explained, shivering and pressing himself against the smaller fox. “I know it’s w-weird, but we…we need to—”

“Nah, I get ya,” the fox said with an understanding nod, inhaling and exhaling as he felt the bear’s chest radiate heat between their clothes. “Heh. Just k-keep forgetting how strong you are…”

Little John laughed, causing his belly to rise and fall. “Sorry, Rob,” he said.

“No worries,” Robin replied, then mused as he nestled against the larger body of his best friend. “Mmm, that does feel nice…”

The winter wind calmed down. The fire kept on burning. The fox and bear both started to feel less cold as they shared the same body heat. Robin had been distracted by staring at the cinders chipping off the smoldering log, while Little John was distracted by something. Maybe he was fascinated by the roof of the cavern? It appeared to be covered in the shiny pieces of granite that reflected off of the fire. It did look quite beautiful and…oh. Oh my.

Robin felt something push against his inner thigh. It was thick and pulsing underneath the bear’s tunic. The musky smell made the fox realize what it was that suddenly began to throb a little bit more. He then heard John nervously chuckle, his body just as stiff as that member.

“Uh, Johnny?” Robin inquired. “Is that you with an—”

“I’m sorry, Rob,” the bear profusely apologized. “I dunno where it came from. I was just…been so long since I last lay with someone, and your body is suddenly close to me, it’s freezing outside this blanket, and we both neglected to find proper pants to put over our tunics. Look, I can pull my blanket off and we can go back to…to…to…Um, Robin?”

Little John jerked his head up to stare at the blushing red fox, his eyes guarding away from him in embarrassment. It wasn’t hard to figure out why. John could feel Robin’s erection pressing against his stomach too. Although not as big or thick, John could feel the vulpine erection that started rubbing to full hardness. It had to easily be several inches in length. The faint smell of masculine vigor easily reached John’s nose, much to his silent surprise.

“Rob? Do you…?”

“Yeah, Johnny, I…I guess I do…”

The two outlaws lay together in silence for what felt like a minute. Only the sounds of snowfall and the crackling embers cut through the quiet, followed by a soft moan that came from the fox. He started rubbing against the bear. The bear shuddered back in delight, slowly wrapping his strong arms around the slender canine, locking eyes with him. They were both nervous. They were both afraid, curious, and incredibly horny all of a sudden.

The two exchanged nods and firelight smiles. Robin’s tail wagged beneath the blankets as his arms reached around John’s round belly. His fingers caressed his sides while John tenderly caressed his thigh with one paw and his lower back with the other. The two best friends panted as they felt the other pulsate in excitement.

“Are you nervous, Johnny?” Robin asked the bear in a soft, gentle whisper.

“Only if you’re nervous,” Little John whispered back. “I’ve usually hibernated for winter, but without a safe place for me to do it for a few months, I need to find another way to keep warm. And here we are, in the throes of freezing to death, and I am erect.”

Robin chuckled shortly. “Hey, I’m also guilty here.” He rubbed his hips forward for emphasis, letting the larger mammal feel his erection while pressing his buttocks to the Bear’s shaft as well. “Listen, we can both learn from this. We will definitely try to find a new winter haven where you can hibernate, and I can still rob the rich as you sleep. Until then, we need to keep warm tonight, got it?”

Little John suppressed a lustful growl from the way the fox rubbed against his erection.

“Got it,” he agreed.

Robin nodded his head. “Good.”

The sly fox suddenly borrowed underneath the brown bear’s tunic until his nose peeled under the collar. His cold black nose tickled John’s neck, as did the fox’s hard cock as it rubbed against his stomach, that ass now a mere inch or so from that vertically hard member he wielded. It felt so warm against Robin’s rear. However, both of their intentions were focused on how close their noses touched when they each looked directly at the other. The fire light illuminated their eyes. They were both entranced and suddenly forgot the cold, winter time, and the growing prices above their notorious heads. Neither complained though as they are smaller heads remained hard and leaked against their warming fur.

“This is also just a bit of fun between friends, yes?” Robin steadily nestled within the shirt as if he were a baby kangaroo in a pouch, brushing himself and his paw pass against the bear. His chest and sides were so soft! “This will hardly be the only cold night for the next several months. And I wouldn’t mind doing this…would you?”

“A…way to keep warm,” Little John reiterated.

“And to keep warm,” Robin reminded, finally touching his nose to his best friend’s.

“Yeah…that’s it. That too. Nothing more than that…” he murmured. “What goes on in this cavern…stays in this cavern.”

Blushing underneath their cheek fur, Robin Hood and Little John slowly leaned their muzzles forward. Their chapped lips parted slightly, only to moisten and let out an electric gasp as the two exchanged a soft kiss. It ended, only to begin again as the two best friends brushed their crotches together. They moaned with delight, muffled by rustling blankets and their racing heartbeats booming in their folded, sweltering ears. The bear and fox emitted low growls as their tongues fought for control, with the former’s being more dexterous and dominant within the smaller maw. Not that Robin minded in the least. The vulpine outlaw had never experienced being submissive before when kissing. It not only felt refreshing, but also exciting to let somebody else manhandle him, to take initiative.

Meanwhile, John let his claws wander all over the handsome fox he had given up everything to fight alongside with, and gladly. His fingers caressed his rich fur all over that slender body, lowering until he grasped his sides and kneaded Robin’s rump, like a cat would do to their lover. His thumbs rubbed in circles near the base of that bushy tail, which tickled his stiff shaft that leaked like dense condensation in spring. He moaned further and broke their kiss repeatedly when Robin started to rub his belly, scratching his thick stomach and sometimes groping his pecs, squeezing them and sometimes teasing the nipples. He especially loved teasing the nipples.

John once again gasped for air. A cool strand of saliva bridged between his lower lip and Robin’s, then separated as the fox panted heavily. They both lay there, flushed and heavily horny. Robin was about to ask what they could do to keep warmer still when he suddenly yelped at feeling a strong fist enveloping his aching member. Surprisingly pleasure jolted up his spine the minute that John gripped his vulpine shaft, rubbed the head of it with his calloused thumb, then began stroking it between their heated bodies. The outlaw fox shattered and squirmed and gasping euphoria, having never felt someone—least of all, his male best friend—touch him there throughout his entire life.

“How you doing, lover boy?” Little John chortled between gruff grunts. “You like it when I do that?”

“M-More…” he quivered, shivering as the blankets fell away. He yipped with every stroke and firm movement from the bear. “Oh, God! Oh, John. Johnny, ahh!”

John let go of the fox temporarily. “Let’s take these off,” he suggested in ragged breaths, only to pause halfway as they heard gusts of wind echo from outside the cavern. “For now.”

Panting, Robin fiercely nodded his head and proceeded to do just that, following Little John’s lead. They discarded the rest of their clothes and returned beneath the blankets, John masturbating Robin and Robin nuzzling into John’s fuzzy chest. His nose tickled each pack until eventually, it touched a nipple. Little John growled and grunted when he felt a hot tongue from a certain mischievous fox licking his left nipple, then shift to lick his right, and attacked from both fronts by pinching the other with his nimble fingers while nursing the other sensitive nub with his muzzle.

It was silly. It was risky. It was outright dangerous for Robin Hood and Littlejohn to fool around without their clothes in a cavern while Old Man Winter made himself welcome to England. However, between the cavern being a hidden location as well as the two mammals riding together like their feral ancestors as the fire kept burning, the two outlaws no longer felt cold. If anything, they began to sweat as they each neared their climaxes. John did not stop jerking off his friend as Robin would bounce his perfect ass against that leaky, throbbing bear shaft, teasing and tempting it to release despite not penetrating. It almost felt hot enough for them to discard the blankets and openly continue their debauchery despite the cold.

Well, almost.

A synchronized passion passed back-and-forth between the two as they wrestled their tongues together, inhaling their mixed scents. Little John dry humped harder. He stroked Robin harder. Robin bucked his hips faster into that strong grip. Their bruised muzzles connected one final time and…

They separated, moaning and groaning together as they came.

“F-Fuck, Rob!”

“Johnny, I—Ahhhhngh!”

Jets of hot, steamy sap erupted from their members, coating Robin’s back in bear spunk and both of their chests in fox cum. John lay on his back, panting and spent, with Robin looking tired. The handsome and blushing fox could barely stay upright and kneel atop the bear, who then effortlessly sat up while placing the smaller mammal on the mossy ground.

“Let me clean you, Rob,” the bear whispered, licking his lips and leaning in close. “Lord knows when we’ll bathe again before thawing…”

“Huh?” Robin murmured, eyes widening as he felt a chill of cold. “Johnny, what—”

Without a word, Little John pulled away the blankets, then quickly went about licking up with the streaks of bear and fox seed all over themselves as if it were the most natural thing in the world. Robin yelped and then hummed in surprise amusement as he felt that slithering ursine appendage and maw travel all over his body and back. It felt soothing, like a massage. It left Robin feeling so tired and relaxed that he didn’t have the strength to glance over and watch Little John clean himself up in all his naked glory. However, he did get to feel that same musky glory when he cuddled up closely to the soft bear, and they covered themselves once again in the blankets, protecting themselves from further cold.

The two satisfied outlaws lay together in silence, watching the fire and hugging each other. Neither realized that they were both smiling for a good long while.

“Robin?” Little John asked.

“Yeah, Johnny?” Robin asked.

“Do you think what we’re doing is worth it?”

“I think so,” the fox murmured. “You recall when we last did a raid and gave out the riches? Did you see the glimmer of hope in their eyes, mate? I think it is.”

Little John nodded. “I think so too…” he agreed. “But we are definitely going to spend some of our next raid on winter clothes, Rob.”

The fox laughed. “That goes without saying.”

The two males laughed. Shifting himself around to face his large lover, Robin kissed John on the nose. In return, the bear kissed his. Mirroring smiles reflected from the fire nearby. They snickered softly, then lay back and closed their eyes. They drowned out the crackling fire and winter wind beyond in the outside world with their heart beats and soft breathing. They both feel asleep, content underneath the warm blankets and snuggled in each other’s arms, knowing the truth: their outlaw status and Prince John’s tyranny wouldn’t last forever.

Winter would die, Spring would return one day, and they would be together when that happened.