All of the Words
All of the Words
copyright 2009
comidacomida
Paul turned on the high beams. He had only ever really been out of the city's bright glare one or two times since moving to the west coast. Even though he had grown up on dark roads back in the Midwest, it seemed oddly strange now not to have lights shining everywhere, though he had to admit that it was wonderful being able to see the stars again in the night sky.
There was something about driving at night time that appealed to Paul. Between the lesser amount of traffic, the quiet, serene darkness, and the smooth relaxation that came with knowing that a day was nearly at its end, the young man often wished that he had more opportunities to drive at night. Even so, that night's outting was not anticipated.
He hadn't really planned to go out. His work day had been anything but normal. The photo shoot had dissolved in the confusion and the session manager told everyone to pack it in. Paul hadn't had a chance to talk to Casey; the dalmatian had made a pretty quick get-away, and Paul wasn't certain of what he would have said to him even if he had the opportunity. It had been a strange day... a very very strange day.
At that point, all Paul had really wanted to do was go home and go to sleep, but that was not to be. There was a message on his answering machine when he got home that really called for his evening trip. It was a message from Tanner, and he could practically recite it word per word.
"Hey, Paul... it's me... it's Tanner." Tanner had stopped to sigh, "Listen... you left pretty quick last night, and I know I said something that really screwed up our evening. I... I'd really like to talk about it... please." The dog had provided simple directions to an off-ramp about 20 miles north of town. It was a very generic invitation, but Paul didn't need much more of an explanation.
Things had been left in a kind of limbo between them. Having had the entire day to consider it, Paul realized there was plenty he wished he would have said the prior night, and many more things he did say that he wished he would have not. With any luck, Paul hoped he would have a chance to say all of the words that he wanted to, and perhaps take back some of the venom from the previous night. He was still angry, but he was willing to hear Tanner out. The dog's message on his answering machine reinforced that feeling.
As the exit came up, Paul eased the car off the interstate and pulled into a parking lot at the end of the off ramp. The young man turned off his car and stepped out onto the gravel. There weren't many open stretches of land in the area, but the one Tanner had chosen as a meeting spot was quiet, disturbed only by the faint sound of the blowing wind and the electric hum of the parking lot's single lamp next to the road that passed by.
Paul closed the door, taking in a deep breath of the night's air. It was warmer at nighttime than it had been back in the Midwest, which was something that Paul and come to like about California. The wine country's air held a faintly sweet scent to it. Of course, he realized, it could have just been his imagination-- either way, it was infinitely better than the smell of the dairy yards and processing plants.
Paul saw Tanner's car parked in the corner furthest from the street light. The car was turned off and no one was inside. Paul started toward it until two glimmering orbs of green stopped him in his tracks. They caught his attention, gazing at him from a slight embankment beyond the simple wooden posts that cordoned off the parking lot. It caught the young man by surprise at first, until he realized that it was a pair of dog eyes gazing at him in the dim light.
The moon was mostly full, providing more light than just the stars. Paul moved so that the street light was at his back and his eyes slowly came to adjust. He saw Tanner seated on the slope, looking over his shoulder at him. Paul tried to stay reserved, but a small smile split his neutral demeanor when he saw the German shepherd's tail tip wag against the ground.
The distance across the parking lot felt three times longer than it actually was. Paul crossed it slowly, walking at a casual pace as he collected his thoughts. There were many things on his mind, and he was determined not to let them take him in the wrong direction... they were here to talk, and Paul really wanted the talk to have substance.
"Hi." he said, moving to sit on the grass beside the dog. He curled one leg under himself, leaning at an angle to face the German shepherd. Tanner had both his legs stretched out to the front, leaning backwards with both of his paws on the ground behind himself, propping up his weight as he lounged.
"Hey." Tanner replied, offering an unsure smile, "I'm glad you came."
"I'm glad you invited me." Paul offered, feeling a little embarrassment return as he considered their parting the previous night. They sat in silence for a time, Paul listening to the sound of the cars whiz by on the interstate several hundred yards behind them. After the long pause, Paul realized that something needed to be said. He let out a breath.
"Work was crazy today." Paul began. It wasn't the discussion he really wanted to have, but it was a start, and he needed something to break the awkward silence.
"Really?" Tanner asked, ears going up slightly, "What was so strange? You don't normally talk about work."
"That's because it's usually boring and nothing happens." Paul noted, "But today was... well... crazy."
"As you already said." Tanner offered, a hesitant smile flickering across his muzzle, "What happened?"
Paul took a few moments to appraise the question. The dog's eyes were focused wholly on him, as attentive as ever. Tanner always had a knack for showing just how interested he was, and whenever Tanner appeared interested, Paul had no doubt that it was genuine. He smiled a little inside despite the discomfort of considering how to explain the chaos of the day.
"AHB got a really big corporate client from Germany." Paul noted, "They're expanding their retail market into the US, and they wanted a smaller firm to represent them commercially, so they chose AHB because they knew we would give them hands-on control."
"Oh..." Tanner noted, pausing for moment before adding, "But I thought you said before that the partners of your place keep a strangle-hold on all the contracts."
"True..." said Paul, astounded that the dog would have such a good recollection of his company after only the most trivial discussions about his work, "...but when you're dealing with a client twice the size of the rest of your whole portfolio you tend to be a little more open to their ideas." he noted, matter-of-factly.
Tanner nodded at that, "So when do you guys start work with them, and what are you going to be doing?"
"Well... that's the funny thing," Paul blushed slightly, hoping the dim light from the moon wouldn't reveal the embarrassment at the situation, "I'm going to be doing photo work."
"But, you don't usually do any hands-on stuff, do you? I thought you were part of the support staff." Tanner cocked his head to the side.
Paul nodded, "Right... I DID say my day was crazy."
Tanner smiled a little at that, "Well... how'd that happen then?"
"I met the marketing director from 'Mein Hund', and he asked me to do the photo shoot for--"
"Mein Hund?" Tanner asked, ears going up.
"Yea... they're the foreign corporation that gave us the contract." Paul confirmed.
"Wow... that IS really weird..." Tanner nodded, "Casey just--"
"Got hired as their brand model." Paul finished the sentence for him, "I know. I kind of ran into him on the set." he found himself blushing more.
"That must have been awkward." Tanner offered a half-grin.
"I DID say my day was crazy." Paul repeated, yet again.
With that, their smalltalk came to a close. Paul shifted position, pulling his free leg to his chest as he contemplated more than just his day. The dog next to him sighed quietly. There was a lot more Paul wanted to discuss than idle chit-chat. He had spent all afternoon mulling over what Alric Eizehzahn had said, and, more so, the important things he had left unsaid.
"Can we talk?" they both asked at the same time.
After fumbling through several more false starts and talking over one another, they both paused, each chuckling uneasily. Paul felt his face flush in embarrassment, looking down at his shoe, but, out of the corner of his eye, he also saw Tanner's ears droop sheepishly.
Paul had a lot to say and an important question to ask... but he lost his nerve. "You first." he offered Tanner, "I think I did enough yelling last night without giving you a chance." he presented as an excuse.
Tanner nodded, bringing one of his knees up and resting his arm on it. The two sat in silence for several more seconds until Tanner spoke, his voice hesitant, but far from undecided, "Paul... I... really like you. I mean... a lot. More than anyone else I have ever been with." the dog's ears drooped slightly, and he looked away, obviously uncomfortable with speaking about it.
The words made Paul smile, but just a little, sitting patiently as he heard the dog out. He watched Tanner's expressions shift and flow through any number of emotions as he spoke. He remained quiet, watching the dog rub his knee nervously as he leaned back, supporting his weight on his other paw. Paul saw from the expression on Tanner's face that the dog was looking to say more, but was trying to figure out how to do it.
"You're important to me, Paul." Tanner's voice cracked as he said it, "I... really don't want to lose you, and I feel like--" he let out a huff as his voice started to carry a canine-like, whimpering whine to it. Paul could see the glimmering of moonlight in Tanner's damp eyes and he could tell that there were a number of conflicting thoughts running through the dog's head.
Paul reached out and put his hand on the paw on the ground, giving it a light squeeze, trying to keep himself from tearing up along with Tanner. Those words could have easily come from Paul, and it was a relief of sorts to hear Tanner speak them first, "I was thinking the same thing." he noted, "I just want to hear something like that last night. I know I should have asked this last night instead of blowing up, but... if you feel that way, what's so hard about saying 'I love you'?"
Tanner let out a deep sigh, and remained quiet. Paul did not press the issue, he simply remained sitting next to the dog, hand on Tanner's paw, waiting patiently, like he knew he should have done the prior night.
"It's a dog thing." Tanner offered at length, "I know it sounds silly to you, and I don't want to hide behind the whole 'you wouldn't understand' conversation, but that's pretty much it."
"After the day I've had, Tanner," Paul felt a faint smile start to spread across his lips, the conversation going better than the many ways he envisioned it. "I think my mind is pretty wide open if you want to explain."
"Well..." Tanner noted, taking another deep breath as he gazed off toward the horizon, "You know how humans do the whole wedding ring... er... engagement ring thing? You know... the getting down on one knee?"
Paul nodded, not exactly sure where Tanner was going with the conversation.
"If there's no engagement ring, does that mean that they don't love each other?" the dog asked.
"No... of course not." Paul commented, "Well... unless they've been seeing one another for like, ten years. I guess then maybe it's a matter of commitment issues. And, well... if it's two guys or two girls-- most states haven't legalized that sort of thing yet." his attempt at humor wasn't as heartfelt as it could have been; Tanner continued on without commenting.
"Then how do they know that there's love in the relationship if there's no ring?" Tanner questioned, looking to Paul.
"Because people say they love one another." Paul commented, confused by Tanner's discussion, which seemed only to be making Paul's case. He was trying to figure out where the discussion was headed.
"Dogs don't wear rings. That's a human custom." the dog offered.
"Okay..." Paul noted, avoiding adding an 'aaaaaaaand?' to it.
"We say 'I love you'."
The comment took several moments to sink in but, when it finally did, all of Paul's thoughts came to a screeching halt. His mind fumbled with that piece of trivia as he hugged his leg, considering the implications. Tanner made it sound like 'I love you' was the same thing as asking 'Will you marry me?'. He continued thinking long enough that Tanner kept speaking even as Paul tried to sort through the importance of it.
"I only remember one time at all when my parents ever told one another 'I love you'. They were renewing their vows when I was 10." the dog noted.
"Humans buy rings that aren't engagement rings." Paul finally managed to speak up, realizing that Tanner meant exactly what it sounded like: 'I love you' meant the same thing to dogs as 'Will you marry me?'. That really gave him pause for thought.
"And dogs say 'I care for you' and 'You're important to me' and 'I don't want to lose you'... which isn't the same as 'I love you'." Tanner noted, one ear pulled back and the other off to one side, looking away from Paul as if trying to ignore the dry humor that came with the statement. Paul, despite himself, smiled... just a little.
"Sometimes it's just... nice to know." Paul offered, "You know... to hear it... so you can be sure."
"Humans say things like 'I love you' because they don't have the ways to show them... that's how dogs know." Tanner continued, "Not to pick on you or anything, but your ears aren't very expressive, and you don't have a tail. There's no way you COULD know how a human is feeling unless you're really good at reading body language and, let's get serious, not many humans are. The only other option is for you to say how you feel."
"Point taken." Paul said softly, mind still brimming with thoughts. He considered the previous night, and all of the things he said. He thought about his lunch meeting with the Doberman, and all the implications of what the executive had said starting to fall into place. Yet again, Paul found himself wishing he had a rewind button.
"So, you're saying that dogs show their love until they're ready to confess it." Paul noted at length.
"And humans confess their love until they're ready to show it with a ring." Tanner spoke back.
"I guess you know a lot more about humans than I know about dogs." Paul admitted.
"It took you that long to realize it?" Tanner noted flatly, but the rhythmic thumping of Tanner's tail against the ground reaffirmed what Paul had thought; it was a light-hearted jab, "So... I've said what I had to say, unless saying what YOU want me to say is the only way I can convince you that I lo-."
"Tanner..." Paul spoke quickly, interjecting in an even tone. "You don't have to say anything." a strange, surreal calmness began to flow through Paul, the kind that could only be felt when someone realized that an obstacle in the distance ended up not being as bad as was first thought, "Not until you're ready, anyway." he cracked a wry grin, turning to regard his boyfriend.
"I just... don't want you thinking that I don't care." Tanner looked back, "because I do."
"You have ears and a tail... I'm the one with hard-to-read body language. I KNOW you care." his grin widened, "Not to mention that you seem to remember every detail about every discussion we have. You listen better than anyone else I know... and bothering to do that is genuine proof you care."
"....thanks." Tanner smiled.
Paul smiled, leaning forward to touch noses with Tanner. The German shepherd almost looked like he was ready to swoon due to the dog-like expression Paul had chosen, "I'm addicted to you." the young man spoke softly to his boyfriend.
"Huh?" the dog pulled back slightly, cocked his head to the side, ears up.
Paul couldn't keep the smile off his face, "Well... I figured I didn't want to make you uncomfortable, so I was trying out other phrases of adoration."
"Well, that one doesn't sound very positive..." the dog chuckled, "like you'd be going through withdrawals if you couldn't get your daily fix of Tanner."
Paul's smile softened, and he leaned forward to touch his nose against Tanner's again, "You know... today, I think I was."
"Then I'm addicted to you too." Tanner responded quietly, ears falling sideways in complete adoration. The two moved closer, Tanner resting a paw on the side of the human's face. Paul could feel the plentiful, smooth fur of Tanner's cheek in his own hand, velvety muzzle pressed to his lips, sharing a quiet, gentle kiss.
It was soft... loving... intimate-- everything Paul needed to know that things would be okay between them. They remained on the hill for awhile longer, until the moon was well up into the sky. Neither said anything else; nothing else needed to be said.
They didn't part easily, each trying valiantly to hang onto their precious moments together. They tried to find a time during the week when their schedules would meet. "It's going to be crazy at the store for the rest of the month." Tanner offered, ears drooping forlornly, "The store is gearing up for the fall shoe sale." Paul remembered the dog saying before that he despised shoe sales.
"Yea... with this new project at work, I have a bad feeling that I might be working during the occasional weekend." Paul noted with a sigh.
"Hey... it's a big promotion of sorts, and at least you get SOME weekends off... I'm lucky if I even get two days together." the dog smirked.
"I'd suggest you leave your job, but I know you have too much 'sole' for that."
Tanner nodded, "Yea, I'm committed, I guess. I don't-- was that just a pun?" the dog paused, ears up.
"Oh, I'd never pun about something like that..." Paul noted with as neutral an expression as he could manage, "When it comes to your job I make it a point to watch my 'tongue'."
"Okay... now you're punning." Tanner noted matter-of-factly.
"I'd never do something like that... if I did, you'd 'boot' me right out." Paul couldn't suppress the grin any longer.
"Paul--" Tanner began.
"The shoppers should have to march into the store on sale day... that way they'll all be 'instep'."
"That one was really bad." Tanner spoke up.
"I know... does that mean I'm going to be 'pun'nished?"
"That one was worse." the dog commented.
"You'd better 'sneaker' outta here before I keep going." the young man offered.
"Now they're just plain painful." Tanner groaned.
"I know, I'm sorry..." noted Paul, hanging his head comically, "I feel like such a 'heel'."
Tanner did groan that time. A paw touched Paul on the chin, pulling his head up so that he could look at the dog. Tanner touched his nose to Paul's, "Okay... I'm going to run before you start in on the sandal jokes next."
"Oh, I might 'flip-flop' from one pun to the next if the--"
"Goodnight, Paul." Tanner interrupted. They kissed again when saying their goodbyes, Tanner promising that everything would be okay. When the two parted ways for the night, Paul knew that it really would be.
Paul's smile lasted back to his car. His mind, for the first time during the day, was focused on the good, and things finally felt alright. He let out a contented sigh, and put the car into gear. He eased out of the parking lot and onto the empty onramp then got back onto the interstate.
The ride home was relaxing. The southbound traffic was near non-existent, which allowed Paul to travel at his own pace. Paul stayed in the slow lane, catching occasional glimpses of the moonlit countryside while also trying to keep his eyes on the road. It was all surreal, like he was walking on a cloud. It made him think back to the day that Tanner said 'yes' to coming over for dinner; just like back then, his night felt like a step forward: it felt like progress. His smile was renewed.
Paul stopped to get gas after leaving the interstate, glad that at least one station stayed open past eleven. He had been out later than he wanted to, but Paul felt it was well worth it. ~I can unwind a little and still have time to get ready for bed.~ he told himself, knowing that his mind would be racing a mile a minute once he had a chance to sit down and relax.
The short trip through town to his condo was not the calmest; even that close to midnight there were still plenty of cars on the road, not to mention stop lights, pedestrians, and flashing store signs. Paul felt an immediate longing to return to the simple darkness and uninterrupted cruising of the interstate, but going through town was a necessary evil if it meant getting home.
Finally, at long last, Paul was able to turn off of the main city streets and head into the residential roads. The only illumination aside from his headlights were the subdued street lights and the occasional glow through a drawn blind in houses where the residents were most likely night owls.
Turning into the driveway outside his condo, Paul immediately noticed the car parked at the curb right in front of his door. Even if he hadn't have recognized the car the dog leaning against it would have been obvious in a heartbeat. "Tanner?" Paul asked, stepping out of his car, "What's wrong?"
"Well... I was on my way back home... and my engine..." the dog grinned wide.
"Happened to give out right in front of my home." Paul replied with a wry smirk.
"Well... up the street from your condo... the car rolled the rest of the way." Tanner flicked an ear, motioning with one finger from the corner of the block to where his car was parked.
"And it should be fine in the morning?" Paul asked neutrally, raising an eyebrow.
"Just needs to cool down overnight, I think." Tanner noted after casual consideration.
"It's a good thing that my condo is closer to your work than your duplex." Paul responded, heading for the door, jingling his keys, "I guess you'll just have to stay here."
"It's a good thing you're around," Tanner noted, "I have no idea what I'd do without you."
"You'd have less engine trouble, I'd imagine." Paul smirked, opening the door. They both shared a chuckle.
Tanner followed him into the condo. They both kicked off their shoes next to the doorway and Paul paused long enough to take off his over shirt, laying it across the back of the sofa. The dog stepped behind him, resting a paw on either shoulder, and began to gently massage him.
"Paying for a room for the night with your skilled paws, are you?" Paul smirked, placing his hands on the back of the couch shoulder-width apart as he leaned forward, giving the dog full access to him.
Tanner pressed up behind Paul, nuzzling the back of his neck. The gesture sent a chill up the back of his spine, not just from the close, intimate contact, but also from the dog's cold black nose "Unless you had something else in mind for 'payment'."
Paul slowly turned around in the dog's grasp, sitting on the back of the couch as he stretched his arms around his boyfriend and pulled him closer, "Well, you're certainly forward." he smirked, and Tanner echoed it.
The two shared a kiss as the human slid his hands up the back of Tanner's shirt, drawing his fingers through the dog's thick fur. A smile split Paul's lips, and ended their kiss.
"What?" Tanner asked, pulling back with a faint smile on his muzzle as well.
"I'm just thinking..." Paul replied, slowly moving to the side and out of Tanner's grasp. The dog followed him as he went to the hallway.
"About?" Tanner inquired, just a step behind.
"Setting my alarm... we both work tomorrow, you know" the young man glanced over his shoulder with a smirk.
Tanner, behind him, cracked a wry grin, "Always planning ahead, aren't you?"
"One of us has to." Paul noted, moving to the night stand next to his bed. Tanner returned his paws to Paul's shoulders and Paul could feel his pants tightening at his groin. "I didn't really expect to do the whole making-up thing in one night." he admitted.
"Just being a little spontaneous." Tanner noted, resting his muzzle against the side of Paul's face and licking his cheek from behind. Paul laughed at that, batting Tanner away. "What?" Tanner offered with fake indignation, "You're supposed to say 'one of us has to'."
"You're incorrigible." Paul responded.
"Always with the big words... now try to spell it." the dog responded.
"I'm going to go brush my teeth." Paul countered, heading to the attached bathroom with a chuckle.
"Paul..." Tanner called from the bed.
"Hmm?" Paul inquired simply, pausing at the doorway to the bathroom.
"I do care for you, you know... a lot." Tanner said softly, tail wagging gently in the air, ears sloped backward and to the side.
He smiled to himself as he shut the door, still feeling the cooling lick from Tanner on the side of his face, and the warmth of Tanner's words deep in his heart. He brought one hand to touch his cheek and the other to hold against his chest. Paul smiled; things felt... right.