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The gusts up on the bridge bit through Sean's light

jacket and fur. The boats moving slowly below were nothing like the cars and

chaos around and inside him."What you want

and are, is unnatural." His shadow mocked."I didn't want this, I never have." Sean's

cheek bristled with the heat of his failure."You hide, you

lied, and now you are unable to change."Sean walked further toward the middle of the bridge while

he felt every driver passing by watching and judging him. "What other options did I have?""You could

have been Giving like Xander, Proud like Sharron, Honest like Samantha. You've

been none of these things, Oliver, Xander, and Paul are going to hell like you

are but at least they're better people than you've ever been.""I haven't killed, or raped." Sean's stomach

roiled with fiery butterflies.The sun hid in a bank of clouds, like it was ashamed of

him."You haven't

rape because you haven't had the chance and if you meet your rapist again you

would kill. And you have attacked Xander and your father when you felt

justified. Choice after selfish choice has hurt those around you.""I'm not trying to hurt anyone." Sean held his

cold arms across his chest."Some only

cause harm, you want to help others but how can you when you can't help

yourself."Sean paused at wilting flowers and a winged teddy wolf

chained to the fence. The battered and dirty stuffed angel felt as lonely and

incapable as he did."Hey little guy what brought you up here," he said,

croaking over the tickling suspicion in his throat."Someone like

you, someone that didn't belong.""People missed her, for a time at least, would

anyone miss me?"Below the desiccated flowers hung a cross with Megan

written in block letters.Sean's heart raced as he searched past the judgmental

drivers for tire marks in the road or damage to the concrete barrier."What happened to you?" Sean felt a hot knowing

dagger in his chest."She flew and

now she's free, you think about flying like she did. Then you don't have to think

about hurting your sisters, disappointing your parents, and destroying Xander.

He wasted ten years he could have been happy on you.""I didn't want any of that."A truck rushed past, its wake buffeted against him, he

pictured the wind rushing past him as he fell."Does it

matter what you wanted, the world doesn't care, what you made is a bluster that

pushed everyone you love around.""I will think about, what's true, what's noble,

what's right, what's pure, what's lovely, what's admirable." Sean bit back

tears."Are you true,

noble, or right, because you definitely are not pure, lovely, or admirable?"Seagulls muted squawks cut the air.Sean checked his phone. He had too many messages and

didn't want to talk to anyone. It would be so draining too read all of them."See you've

manipulated so many into wasting time and energy on you.""I tried to be there for them." The fresh chill

of his failure washed over him like the misting rain."Try, try,

try, if you could actually succeed it might matter."He wanted to think positively but memories taunted him.

Hitting dad and Xander. Lying to Sharron about Xander's feelings toward her to

hide being gay. Shaming mom for not protecting him the way he wanted her too.

Telling Oliver he had a home then walking away. Teasing Xander for getting turned

on by him for a decade because he could no longer reciprocate."If you could

change you would stop all the pain you cause.""I'm trying, all I want is to help." Sean

leaned against the cold concrete just before the taller metal fence that the

angel was chained too."You try and

help everyone else, but you always quit when it gets hard."The muted sun of fall peaked through the clouds."I try, I always try, I wanted to be straight, I

wanted to be a good son, a good believer.""Aren't you

supposed to be able to do all things through him who gives you strength, oh,

wait not you because you are weak willed and never really believed?""I did, I have." The heart hurt of doubt

weighed on him.Sean jumped when a car honked on the road behind him."You never

tried to change how you work sexually.""I tried to get interested in Xander." Xander's

words echoed, I can't be a place holder."Exactly you

choose sin and shame over the way the Alpha designed it to be."The wind flapped the wings of the chained little angel."It's not a choice, I don't want things like this

they just are.""So it must be

time to run again. Now you will fly, see there is one thing you can't fail at

if you choose too.""I'll be free, but nothing else."Sean untied the angel and looked at the top of the fence

judging its height."Is it the

angels turn to fly? You know you'll never be free but everyone else can be.

Stop holding everyone else back.""No someday I will be free." The dirty angel felt

cleaner then he was."There's only

one way you'll free anyone but you're a coward."The sun shifted

back behind clouds."I can't keep hurting everyone." Bitter

realization rumbled like the boats hundreds of feet below."You're right

they'll get over it. It's not like they really loved you.""I can't keep failing."Again memory haunted him. Xander leaving him, both years

and days ago. When he made mom cry driving home from camp, dad's shock after he

said, "you two put me through hell, and I hate you for it." Getting

aroused by Oliver talking about his rape. Fantasizing about raping Paul."You're

dangerous, you will really hurt someone, it's a matter of time.""I quit my job," Sean said in surprise."They will be

fine, they didn't need you to begin with, they and everyone else will get over

it."Sean felt the light rain chill down his tear streaked

cheeks, making channels of cold that ran down to pool under his chin."But it's a sin, I'll be damned for it." Sean

hid his face from the clouded sun."You are

already damned and you know it.""I will hurt Samantha, Oliver, and Xander."The wind seemed to speak his name scornfully, it called

him to action."You could

damage Sam's career. In fact you already have. Oliver shouldn't be around a

sinner that brings him further into ill repute he is celibate and should remain

that way.""I'll be setting them free I'm just a burden."Sean stepped one leg on the waist high concrete barrier."Sorry Xander."Then grabbed the top bar of the metal fence to pull

himself up and over."I can't change I failed everyone."He hardly noticed the cars honk at him, his heart was

loud in his ears as the rest of him went numb. "Alpha please forgive me for what I'm about to

do."He pushed off the barrier getting most of the way to the

top."Alpha, I know you can't but I'll ask anyway."He almost had his elbow to the top to leverage himself

over, when a black blur in the corner of his right eye slammed into him. His

shoulder popped painfully when he struck the walkway below, and motes of light

danced around him."You bastard, you shit head." Xander yelled

right fist thudding onto Sean's chest for emphasis, "What the fuck, Sean?

How dare you!" Xander remained on top of Sean."See you fail

at everything.""Xander why did you stop me," Sean tearfully asked,

when he could breathe again, while trying to push Xander off of him."Why?! What the hell do you mean, 'why did I stop

you,' you promised to never, and you were- how could you think about doing

that, what is it with you and Alpha damned bridges," Xander asked, still

pinning Sean's arms under him.A knife of pain shot through the shoulder Sean landed on,

"Get off me, you don't understand.""He can't

understand he doesn't have real problems.""What don't I understand, it's kinda obvious what

you were doing," Xander yelled."I needed to, to to make all your lives

better," Sean said trying to roll to the side."Better, how the hell is losing someone I love above

all others better, you douche bag!" Xander said punching Sean's hurt

shoulder."Fuck dude, that hurt," Sean said clutching his

arm."Good, pain might bring you to your senses," Xander

said."Will you get off me, dick head," Sean said."No, I don't trust you," Xander said."Great so you're just going to lay on me in

public... in the rain," Sean said."It's just a light misting," Xander said.Sean shook his head at Xander."Fine, I'll let you up but promise to come with me

right now.""Ah could you help me to up I think my shoulders

dislocated," Sean asked.Xander dug into that shoulder, ignoring Sean's yelp, then

said, "Feels fine too me, maybe its compacted, hopefully just

bruised."As the shock from being thrown to the ground faded the fear,

anger, and self-contempt of the whole situation battled with the surprise that Xander

wanted to stop him. "Just take me home," Sean said bitterly."No we are going to Oliver's, I'm not letting you be

alone," Xander said."I'm not going to do anything damnit.""You lied to me about this shit before, come lets go

my retriever said he would park off 6th."They walked in silence, Sean cringed under Xander's

repeated glances."Don't look at me like that!" Sean said."Like what?""Like you have some right to pity me.""I don't pity you Sean, I love you and I just don't

understand.""You don't understand what it's like, you never had

to go through... everything and and everyone loves you for you. They all want

me to be something else," Sean said, too numb to cry."I don't... well yes I did but I know now, you never

explained, how could I understand," Xander said."I didn't want you to know, I never wanted anyone

too, it should have just gone away," Sean said."So because it wouldn't go away you thought you would,"

Xander asked paws balled at his sides."No, STOP pitying me," Sean said finishing loudly.

Sean angled away from the cars as they passed."I'm not fucking pitying you, I'm trying to

understand what's going on in your stupid head," Xander said kicking a

pebble while they approached the southern edge of the bridge."Nothing new is going on, just more of it... are you

going to tell Oliver," Sean asked his shoulder still throbbing."Already texted him," Xander said."Alpha damned meddlesome family," Sean muttered."What did they have to do with it," Xander asked

guiding them down the walkway to the road that passed under the bridge on the

hillside."You, you idiot," Sean said, "I think I

need something for my shoulder.""Well Oliver is anti-medicine... apart from the one,

maybe we should hit up your sister or Pence," Xander said."Great... hey my shoulder hurts, oh, how did that

happen, Xander tackled me, ah, rough housing again what did you do this time,

nothing just got really depressed..." Sean said."Well don't tell them that," Xander said."I think not telling people things is why I got so

depressed," Sean said.They got in the Retriever."Well I messaged Oliver to see if he can get

something for your shoulder," Xander said then gave the driver the address.Sean sat in thought, "how did I get to this

point?""Lies and

deception, you're still not telling him everything.""I can't tell him.""Why because

he'd know the sight of him makes your skin crawl.""Shut up," Sean said quietly."What did you say Sean," Xander asked."Oh nothing, just thinking," Sean said as

buildings passed after a light went green."So Franks says he doesn't accept your resignation,

he just wants you to be ok and get your shit back together," Xander said."Alpha, I don't know if I can ever go back," Sean

said smacking his head into the window gently a few times but that only made

his shoulder hurt worse."Hey, could it all be from your new allergy

meds," Xander asked."Maybe, but I doubt it," Sean said."So you feel like this all the time," Xander asked."No, but let's talk about it later," Sean said

avoiding the drivers eyes in the mirror."I want to talk about it now you avoid this issue to

much," Xander said.Sean prayed the driver was hurrying. When they hit another red light Xander said, "Are

you going to answer me?""No Xander, not right now," Sean said."Then when? You put this shit off every time I asked,

and look at where it got you," Xander said."About just one thing, and damn it later," Sean

said loudly."No now, were you depressed about the rape or the

pray the gay away camp," Xander asked.The drivers ears went down and he looked back at the road

quickly. "Damnit Xander, for Alpha fucking sake, we aren't

alone," Sean yelled."Oh later... but you have to tell me," Xander said."Fine, whatever, you are situationally blind," Sean

said as the car pulled into a loading and unloading zone in front of Oliver's

building.Sean marched to the door and paged Oliver's apartment.Xander came over after he paid the driver."I don't think Oliver is here," Sean said."You can get in the garage, right," Xander asked."We shouldn't even be here, I left out of the blue

he probably hates me," Sean said."Nope he doesn't, this way," Xander said then

dragged Sean thankfully by the good arm towards the garage."Enter the door code," Xander said."But it's terspass-""Enter the damn code.""Alpha I preferred you when you were all spineless

and nervous," Sean said."Oh, shut up, I'm still pissed at you," Xander said

as they headed to the stairs."You're pissed, you're the prick that broadcast my

life story to the damn retriever you have on speed dial," Sean said while Xander

dragged him up the stairs."If you would stop hiding shit from your best

friend, the one person that's closest to you, who's practically your brother,

maybe that someone should be trusted, then he wouldn't have to demand things at

awkward times," Xander said."I don't tell things to people that speak in the

third person and use run on sentences," Sean said while Xander dragged him

into Oliver's unlit apartment."Oh, shut up grammar fiend... well, I guess Oliver

isn't here," Xander said."First things first, why should I tell you anything?

You keep blabbing shit all over the place, you're as bad as Sharron," Sean

said while he walked to the living room."No she honestly think she knows better and is

justified in doing what she does, I just wasn't thinking," Xander said."Oh yes, everyone prefers inconsiderate clumsiness

to self-righteous rudeness," Sean said."Fine I'll work on being more situationally aware,

now stop being evasive, I see you trying to move onto grammar and all that

other crap, tell me what's going on," Xander asked."This isn't stuff I want to talk about," Sean said

then paced the room."Well tough tits, you nearly died because you kept

everything inside.""But it will hurt you too.""That's what friends are for to make each other's

lives better in joy and pain.""Well that's all pretty sounding but... never

mind," Sean said while he tried to find a throw pillow, none were in sight."Never mind nothing Sean, stop walking around and

tell me about that camp, the the rape, why your angry and what's wrong," Xander

said then grabbed Sean's left paw, the one on his bad arm."Dude watch that fucking arm! Arrrgggh! See you just

don't think and you get me hurt, tackling me, telling my mom... leaving when I

was trying to to, nothing never mind," Sean said brushing Xander off and

walked to the apartment door.Xander blocked the door, "I never meant for things

to end up that way and you know it, I don't want to hurt you Sean.""Then why are you always in my face, I told you it

doesn't work for you but you, you never tried dating someone else. You'd go on

dates but they always had a flaw because you didn't want it to work... not really,"

Sean said, balling his fists, "Get out of the ways Xander I'm going to a

drug store.""I can tell you're lying, and what are you going to

hit me like you did your dad? I know you only get violent when people try and

stop you, or force you into something, but you said you'd talk about this, so

keep your word," Xander said back to the door."You want to know, well fuck it, I love you but the sight

of you makes me remember my every nightmare. I wanted you to be there for me

but you told my mom right after I was fucking raped!" Sean yelled."Tell him what

he did.""At camp they had my journal and photos of us

together, I hate mirrors but I can't not see you... they would stick my arm in

ice, when I got aroused and that started it all, that shit, you know, by having

me think of you," Sean yelled nose to nose with Xander's frightened and

shocked muzzle."More, hurt

him more!""I was put in isolation for breaking a camp rule and

all I wanted was you, mom, and dad to get me out of there, but no! He was at

camp it must have been fucking great... Like I ever wanted to be in that shithole.

You left me there thinking of how I broke my promises, and then hearing over

and over my every sin in verses, they read my journal and lectured me on my feelings

for you and that if I had accepted a celibate life I wouldn't have been

raped!" Sean yelled knees failing he fell onto Xander."You are weak,

just pathetic-""Sean hate me if you need to but I'll still love

you, I'm so sorry that happened," Xander said."I live like a celibate, I'm allergic to cats and

canids were ruined for me, and I only get turned on by shit that scares

me," Sean felt Xander guiding his stumbling feet to the guest bed."Because you

are a monster you need to jump next-""You have allergy meds, everything is getting

better," Xander said."Why don't you hate me, I led you on for

years," Sean said while Xander made him lay down."You are my best friend, I'll never hate you.

Anyway, you said you weren't trying to lead me on.""I didn't think you thought of it that way I thought

you'd see it as just cuddling, I was trying to get turned on," Sean said."I understand, I think," Xander said."You must think I'm completely fucked up." Sean

felt Xander's arms wrap around him with a blanket that covered them."No you didn't turn to drugs your just having a

rough patch... I am sorry I told your mom but I can't change that, I want to be

here for you now.""But I'm so perverted, I keep having rape fantasies,

the first sexual thought of you was me nearly raping you," Sean said

hiding under the blanket."Oh... Well that's progress right, you had an

aversion to canids and I was in a fantasy, albeit kinkier and a sore subject

matter for you, that's progress," Xander said."Wow, and I thought I was fucked up, how is getting

off on hurting you progress?""Think about it, right after that camp I couldn't

touch you without you freaking out, I thought it was just that you were pissed Sean.

We are cuddling right now, you are changing yourself.""I'm scared what if I become like him, the guy that

did this to me, I'd kill myself first," Sean said then yelped when Xander's

protective hug hurt his shoulder."I won't let you kill yourself or become that

monster but you have to tell me what's going on in that neurotic little brain

of yours," Xander said loosening his grip.The apartment door slammed open."Xander what happened!" Oliver yelled in a

panic."I just got back from Sean's attempted

suicide," Xander said.Sean ducked under the covers in embarrassment only hearing

Oliver enter the room."What! How did all that happen," Oliver asked,

the edge of the bed sagged."Well I pulled him off the fence trying to

jump," Xander said."Fuck why would he do that?""You'll have to ask him.""I can't I broke my phone."Sean snaked his good arm around Oliver earning a startle

yelp, "I'm right here you dork.""Thank Goodness, Xander was freaking me out then my

dad called and I kinda stomped on my phone," Oliver said.Sean squirmed as Oliver crushed his shoulder with a hug."uhm, might want to be gentle on him, I kinda hurt

his shoulder stopping him from jumping," Xander said."Can we not talk about it... it's

embarrassing," Sean said.Oliver kissed Sean, "I'm so happy you are ok, now

stay that way," then he kissed Xander.Sean felt Xander get a little hard against him. Show off, you make it look so Alpha damned

easy.Sean felt Oliver's legs twine with his as he slipped

under the blanket to cuddle.Xander said, "Well I'll let you two snuggl-Oliver pulled Xander into Sean's little spoon.Sean could smell both Oliver and Xander had gotten horny.But they just snuggled."You both said you're my family don't ever

leave," Oliver said sleepily nuzzling Sean's ear.Sean wrapped his and Oliver's paws around Xander's chest.They lay for a time, then Xander asked, "Sean, are

you awake?""Yeah, but I think Oliver passed out, he didn't get

much sleep last night.""Ok, I couldn't tell who was snoring. I passed out

on the bus to city hall.""Then I guess its nap time," Sean said."Ok, but I want to know about your fantasies, why do

they scare you so much," Xander asked."What if I get lonely or start thinking about acting

on them," Sean asked."I don't think you would.""When I was here with Oliver, I was amping myself up

with his rape story. You know pinning him and then I realized what I was doing,

it freaked me out.""It must be hard realizing that you find the thing

that caused so much pain hot.""What if I'm just using him to get better just like

I used you," Sean asked."Talk to Oliver about it," Xander said."I can't do that.""Sean you need too."

Oliver sniffed his cheek and licked him then

went back to snoring.