FSE

Furry search engine

formerly SoFurry search engine

Hey, folks! Hope you enjoy another installment! :)

***********************************************************************

Cole woke up that morning in a cold sweat and throbbing headache, feeling a film of sweat over his whole body and his damp sheets. Cole got out of bed and paced the bedroom side of his studio apartment. After a minute he put on a pair of pants and grabbed his phone. Out on the balcony, he scrolled through his contacts, finally selected one and let it ring.

"Hey, bro!"

"Hey Shane."

"What's up? I've been feeling a disturbance in the force today. You sound odd and its way to early in the morning for you to call after a shift. Talk to me." He could hear the frown and concern in her voice.

Cole just sat on the phone quiet for a second, hearing the sounds of his niece and nephew arguing in the background.

"I have a date." He finally answered.

"That's a good thing, but why does it sound like you just found out someone died?" the phone shuffled, "Drake, take them outside. I can't hear over their shouting."

"It's good. I went to bed happy. I got some confidence back. I felt far less awkward then I thought I would."

"So what's wrong, hun?"

"The dreams came back. Haven't had any in a few months. Been stressed but I thought I could handle it. Now I have a date tomorrow night and I just feel so messed up inside my head. I'm terrified." His voice caught as tears rolled down his face. "It's been ages since I've let anyone new close, and the same shit that fucked up my last relationship is coming back."

"Oh, Cole."

"I just feel so fucking broken. Everything mom put us through, the shit that happened with.... I just can't. I feel stressed out, angry and just so fucking shitty all the time. I don't know how I can be with someone intimately, and trust them or myself not to fuck it up royally."

"Oh hun. Why is your self esteem so low?" Shane nearly whispered into the phone. "You're an amazing guy. You can't let those things effect how you handle stuff. Acknowledging it is great, realizing it is great, but you also got to remember how much of an amazing man you are. You have so many wonderful friends that adore you, dad, Mary-Charles, Drake and I just love you so, so much."

"I know. Those are all old relationships though! I can't... I don't know how to deal with a new one. I trust you guys. I don't know how to trust anyone else."

"Sweetie, two of the people in your life that were close to you betrayed you. Mom is the ONE person you should have been able to rely on, and you were so much closer to her than any of us. Kyle was the first and only man so far you allowed into your life despite all the risk. You FOUGHT for your relationship when you were the only one with any kind of risk. He fled. None of the things you went through are your fault, and you've been dealing with fixing the issues they caused. That's more than lots of people can say. You're a fighter. When was the last time you've seen your counselor?"

"Few weeks ago." Cole admitted.

"Then go see her. Get these things off your chest. I can't understand your deployment stuff, but I'm always here of course."

"I saw Kyle the other day." Cole blurted, and only heard a heavy silence over the phone, so he continued, "He works at the hospital sometimes. Big Pharma rep."

"Oh shit. Kyle?! What happened!?"

"They told me a rep was coming and I for some inexplicable reason had to give them a tour. It was fucking Kyle of all goddamn people. All the old shit came rushing back. I thought I had dealt with the resentment and the hatred and hurt but I didn't." Cole fumed, "He acted like nothing happened then when I called him out on it, in a way, telling him it was only gonna be professional, he got a little sad. It was more like 'oh hey old friend, we haven't seen each other' not 'I left you because I was a coward, even though I had nothing to lose.' If it wouldn't have gotten me arrested and fired I would broke his fucking muzzle."

"Fuck. I might have to fly up there and do that for ya, or worse."

"Well, the coroner owes me one, so maybe I could get the autopsy fudged." He chuckled sadly.

"Wouldn't be a body." She said firmly.

"Well Cala and Mike might beat ya to that too, when they find out."

"You haven't told them? They knew Kyle even more than I did."

"No. Things have been happening so fast. Kyle showed up and then next day I was having coffee with Mike and his new partner. Dude ended up being a guy I slept with a bit back. Kind of hit it off and planned a date."

"What are the odds, am I right?" Shane chuckled.

"You're telling me..."

"So, why are you hung up? Are you second guessing yourself or him?"

Cole sighed. "You know me. If it isn't work related I second guess damn near everything. My head is just in this spiraling free fall of all the things that could go bad."

"So what?" Shane said, putting in bluntly.

"Huh?"

"So fucking what if the date goes bad. As long as no one gets hurt or killed, its not like you won't be any more single. You can say you tried and closed the door on an option. You won't need to 'what if machine' the fuck out of it."

"But what if..."

"But nothing bro. Go out with him. You have stuff in common, the attraction and sex is there... Just fucking do it. If it goes well then take the next step. Then the next. Then the next. If the door closes you can move on and say you at least tried. Isn't that what you told me about nursing and the navy? You were trying out two things you always wanted to do and it went the way it did. You got to follow your dreams and look back and say you fucking tried. Now you're a trauma nurse in one of the best hospitals in the country doing what you love. How many people can say that? So buck the fuck up and try the same thing in your love life. If it goes sour, you tried. If you end up buried together after 70 years of marriage with a huge adoring family to carry on your memories, then you can say it was worth the worry."

"...Okay." He let out a puff of breath and a shiver in the morning breeze. "I'll try. Thanks."

"Anytime you need a shoulder to cry on, a boot up your ass or usually both, call me...Also go back to Gail. Have you been on your anti-depressants?"

"Not lately. I thought I didn't need them."

"Well even a small dose serotonin based one helps a lot. I mean, I am not medically trained but I've used them too and made the mistake of thinking I didn't suddenly need them or my therapist."

"You're right. Love ya sissy."

"Love ya too little-big bro. Anything else?" She asked warmly.

"No. Thanks! Love you."

"Love you too. Want me to pray a bit before I go?"

Cole paused a bit. He had never really been religious in years but figured it couldn't hurt. In fact it usually made him feel better, faith or no.

"Sure." He said closing his eyes and blocking out the city noise.

"Heavenly father, we come before you humbly, asking for your love and warmth to guide Cole. He needs to know how much he is loved, how wonderful he is with all his flaws and perfections, and that no matter what he is the man who he was meant to be. I pray that you guide him through these tough times and transitions, and that you help those that aid him do their best. I pray for Gail, that you continue to give her the wisdom and strength to use her experience and training to guide Cole. Lastly I thank you for having him as a brother to me, and an uncle to the children I've been blessed with. He is so strong, and so loving, and has such a beautiful goddamn soul. I pray that he knows his worth not only to his family, but his friends and those around him. I pray that all the horrible things he's dealt with and marched through don't hurt or harden him, but help his heart grow with love and empathy. I pray lastly his date with Cole goes the way it needs to, that if this is the man you have planned for Cole, they both have open hearts and minds and offer nothing but love and kindness. In your gracious and loving name I pray, Amen."

"Thanks." Cole said, not sure what else to say.

"Of course." Shane smiled, knowing the weight behind such a simple word. "I love you."

"I love you too."

"Now go enjoy your vacation and be yourself. Kick ass, take names, and try not to go all viking warrior on anyone."

Cole laughed at their old joke. "Will do. Give the kiddos my love and tell Drake I said hi. I'll talk to them soon.

"Will do hun. Get some sleep."

They both hung up and Cole felt much better. He took a cleansing breathe and headed for the shower.

******************************************************************************************************************************************************

The next time Cole woke up he felt better. His head was a little heavy, and his heart a little sore, he was a bit lighter too. The scar from earlier had begun to heal. Cole knew what he wanted next, and set his bathroom speaker and phone for some Lyndsey Sterling. After his apartment was filled with glorious sounding violin, he ran hot water and poured Lavender epsom salts into the swirling heat. By the time his bath was ready, so was his french press. With a cup of delicious hot coffee, he sank into a world of heat, lavender and music.

A half hour later Cole felt like a new man, ready to face the day and his errands. Cole spent the next hour going through his camping and hiking gear, and checking to make sure he was packed and ready for his trip. As he inspected the contents of his backpack, he heard his music dim and went in search of his phone.

"Hey! Just wanted to confirm that we we're still on for tonight? 2000 at Reletor?" then "*were..."

Cole smiled and sent his response. "Of course! I'll meet you there!"

"Great! Can't wait! ;)"

Cole could barely focus on the rest of his gear packing and nearly missed the emergency blanket. With a chuckle he gave up for the rest of the day and decided to get ready early.

************************************************************************************************************************************************************

Cole could barely contain his nerves and very nearly drove the SUV he was in up the curb. He slammed on the break, left foot searching for the clutch when he remembered he was driving an automatic. Cole swore and turned off the Range Rover as the valet opened his door.

"Good evening sir!"

"Good evening!" Cole responded, handing the keys over to the ocelot after an awkward amount of time passed. "Sorry. Uh. Little distracted."

"No worries Mr. Heister. Have a lovely dinner!" The ocelot smiled as Cole handed him a hefty tip before letting the young man pilot the SUV away.

Cole entered the hefty wooded doors, ornately carved in various ancient myths, depicting kings, dragons, heroes and villains, gods and man.

"Welcome to Reletor, Mr. Heister!" The hostess greeted him as he entered.

"Hi! I have an 8pm reservation for two.

"Of course! Right this way!"

The young lady sat him at a table overlooking the street,set up and ready for a fancy and intimate meal for two.

"Shall we look for your fellow diner?"

"Uh.. Yeah! Tiger. Named Evan."

The lady smiled brightly, "Of course! Your waiter will be John. He'll be here shortly."

The young lady glided away back to her post, leaving Cole to wallow in his nerves. He hoped this wasn't too fancy, or too much for a first date. Evan had seemed keen to the idea of a dinner date, to get to know one another and talk in a place they could actually hear one another. They had already gotten sex and stuff out of the way, Cole figured conversation shouldn't be too hard.

"Right this way sir!" Cole, if he had the ears for it, perked up and glanced to the front door. The young hostess was guiding the tiger to him. Cole and Evan locked eyes and smiled. For Cole, it seemed like the trip from the front took ages, as he looked at the beautiful man before him. Evan had worn dark grey slacks, with a deep dark red button up shirt with black pin stripes. The dark colors contrasted with his gorgeous bright fur, and accented his muscles just right. Cole felt his throat go dry.

"Hey!" Evan said sheepishly as he sat down. "Nice place!"

"Hope its not too much!" Cole blurted as the hostess once again politely glided away, a knowing smile on her face.

"Maybe. But I don't mind. I don't get, or do, much fancy stuff. It's a nice change!"

"I'm glad!" Cole felt relief wash over him. Unknown to his internally spiraling head, Evan was chock full of nerves as well.

Evan couldn't stop staring at Cole's eyes. His steel blue shirt and black slacks only made his eyes pop even more. To Evan, they seemed almost stormier then he remembered. Maybe it was just lust, or nerves, or just the electricity quite obviously arcing between the two men.

"Good evening gentlemen! Welcome to Reletor! Can I start you off with drinks?"

"Umm. Red or white wine?" Cole asked Evan.

"Red is fine. If its not too much!" Evan said, noting the lack of menus.

"Ok! Chefs choice of red?"

"Right away sir."

Cole smiled at Evan who seemed a little overwhelmed by the atmosphere. A Live pianist played sultry, relaxing music in the dimly glowing restaurant. Staff dressed in expensive uniforms glided about the floor as the patrons quietly added to the murmur.

"Be honest please? This isn't too much is it?"

"It is a bit. Yeah." Evan said honestly. "I feel like I'm gonna spend half a paycheck just to walk into the door. I think the valet was a little miffed by my old truck..." He said with a chuckle.

"I'm sorry." Cole internally said 'fuck it' and went for honest. "I really do like you, and wanted to get things right. I grew up in a place where this was fairly common. Even as I have tried to live simpler I think that culture rubbed off on me."

Evan smiled. "Well I appreciate your honesty. Frankly I've never been to such a place more than once or twice, if ever."

"Well how about this. If you promise not to worry about or ask about the price, I'll cover it and we can just enjoy ourselves. I don't mean it as a show of money, like I said, I just over thought things and went far too big."

"Okay! I can do that. Just realize I might get used to this treatment." Evan smiled warmly at Cole.

The waiter arrived at that moment with a bottle of red wine. He expertly opened and poured it as he presented the facts about that particular reserve and its optional pairings.

"Are you two gentlemen ready to hear tonight's courses?"

"Of course!"

"For our appetizer we have a light toasted Brioche with Creme Fraiche and Caviar followed by a light romaine lettuce Caesar salad with garlic oil and anchovy spread..."

Evan drifted away from the words he barely understood as he looked at Cole. The young tiger studied the blonde man in front of him. He realized how little he had noticed their one drunken night. He saw a strong man who maintained his physique and hygiene immaculately, but inside seemed a soft but hopeful heart and an old soul. He smelled a light soapy scent of his body wash, the somewhat floral scent of what must be his hair product, and a light but deeply masculine scent. It smelled somewhat of a field or prairie with a hint of pine and earth. His features kept to the theme of a strong man with a soft side. His physique was strong and hardened but graceful and caring. His tan skin and calloused hands told Evan that he worked out and enjoyed the outdoors as much as he enjoyed possibly reading a good book or watching a movie. Evan snapped out of his musings and possible make-believe when both the waiter and Cole caught him staring. The waiter smiling politely and expectantly, while Cole seemed bewildered at the tiger's trance.

"Does that sound good sir? Anything you might be allergic to, or any special requests for our chef?"

"Um. No? Thank you!"

"Of course sirs!" The waiter glided away as Evan turned his attention back to a curious looking human.

"Sorry." He smiled sheepishly. Cole smiled lightly at him, his chin perched on one hand while the other sat on the table, resting on the base of his wine glass.

"Its okay? Anything on your mind?"

"Just staring like a schoolboy. Reading into everything." He surprised himself how easily his honesty came out, but also realized how right it felt.

"That's okay. I'm the master at reading into things. I doubt I'd be great psychohistorian. I can come up with a thousand outcomes and not a single one would be true."

"Hm. Well then I guess this date is over." Cole chuckled, "I'm married first to the Foundation."

Cole laughed brightly, overcome by a sudden feeling of affection.

"Don't tell me. Inside that jock look is a bright and nerdy mind?"

"Well the last evening we spent together a jock bod with a bright nerdy mind was definitely inside a great bod with a beautiful soul and mind." Evan said before taking a sip of his wine. It was quite good.

Cole laughed brightly again. "I guess not that bright since you seem to making assumptions."

Evan laughed and the two young men were soon deep in conversation.

***********************************************************************************************************************************

Evan finds himself gasping for breathe as tears role down his whiskers and his sides hurt from laughter.

"So there I am, my dad running inside to the desk, already pissed that he has to drive this ugly brown Plymouth, my mom and sister escaping with my little brother down the street into the Chanel store, and an army of bellhops untangling our luggage from one of the ugliest cars in history. I don't know what to do since I think someone ought to look after our stuff and the rental car. My golden whines and before I know it, lays the LARGEST turd ever in front of the doors. The Ritz fucking Carlton! The poor valets start scampering around with paper towels and trash cans as I'm dragging my shitting dog into the park, absolutely mortified."

Evan can't contain his laughter and barely manages to gasp out, "this has to be fake!" and his paw find's Cole's hand on the table.

"No! Just a big series of turds, all pent up from a four hour car ride, just dotting the sidewalk! Valets running behind me cleaning up her poop!"

Cole and Evan both ride the laughter down as the waiter walks up.

"I'm glad to see you're having a good evening! More wine? Or perhaps dessert?" He grins at the two young men, still twitching from leftover mirth.

"I'm fine on wine. I need to drive home. Dessert sounds lovely!" Cole says.

Evan agrees as he wipes tears from his cheek fur and whiskers. He squeezes Cole's hand.

"This has been a great night. Dinner was amazing, the wine fantastic, the company even better."

Cole blushes and smiles bashfully.

"I'm so happy to hear that. I had a blast."

"Well. Shall I look forward to hiking tomorrow?" Evan asks expectantly.

"Yeah. I can pick you up! If that works of course, or we can meet up somewhere but either way I'm driving to one of my favorite spots..."

"Picking me up is fine. I'll text you my address." Evan squeezes Cole's hand.

"Okay cool! Do you hike? I hike a lot. More like backpacking..."

"I backpack, hike, swim, sleep in a tent or under the stars. I'm fine with whatever."

"Okay! Awesome!" Cole smiles brightly.

**************************************************************************************************************************

The two men walk out of the restaurant into the cool night breeze. After they hand their tickets to the valets they face one another.

"I had an awesome night." Evan says.

"Me too. I haven't laughed that much or gotten so intense into nerd shit in ages. I can't wait to see you tomorrow." Cole smiles, looking fondly into Evan's eyes.

Cole surprises Evan, and himself, when he suddenly presses his body into Evan's and plants a deep kiss. Even's ears rise in shock but he quickly returns the deep kiss, enjoying Cole's taste, and the feel of his soft, plump lips.

"Ahem. Mr. Tyckes? Your truck is here." The young ocelot smiles.

"Of course!" The tiger says, separating himself from the human, but still smiling bashfully. "Sorry." He turns to Cole. "Well, this is me!"

Cole looks at Evan then over to his old truck. A blue and white two toned Bronco, with a slight lift, big off road tires, and few extra off roading mods, sat on the curb, deeply humming.

"I like it! 91?"

"Yeah!" Evan said, his eyes lighting up. "I better get going. See you tomorrow?"

"Yeah! 0900?"

"0900!" Evan smiled and gave Cole a final hug before getting into his truck and driving away.

Even had rounded the corner out of sight when the silver Range Rover pulled up. Cole barely remembered speaking to the valets, his drive home, or his nightly routine before he fell asleep. His thoughts mostly on the beautiful, nerdy, sexy, smart, soft, strong, and awesome tiger.