Part Six: Keeping the 'Norm'
_It's been a long tie since I last wrote anything (it's hard to tell someone you want something when you can't talk). Besides, I couldn't just tell someone to go and pick up my diary from my room. That would mean I'd have to give away my hiding spot for it. But, back on topic, there's a lot to catch up on.
I don't remember a lot of what happened while I was in the hospital thanks to a constant flow of some heavy-duty sedatives. What I do remember, however, is that Aaron stayed by my side the entire time, more than my parents actually. I still can't put into words how lucky I am to have met him. They say that God works in mysterious ways . . . I guess that they weren't joking when they said it. More than just that though, it's like nothing in the world can bring us apart. Like we were meant to be together forever. It makes me blush just thinking about it.
Thinking about Aaron, I learned why he was always so secretive about his past. My parents told me most of the key details, and he filled in the rest of the blanks, both when the other was away. Why my parents hadn't told me that they were planning on adopting another is beyond me, but the chances that they would pick Aaron, or that he was an orphan to start amazed me. I'm not mad at him. Really, if I were in a situation like his I would have been in so much worse of a predicament.
But yeah, going through what I did was no fun at all._ :( _It took a week before they took the tubes out so I could eat on my own, something about the possibility of being too weak or something (like eating really takes all that much energy). And I must say, liquid steak does not taste as good as a solid steak. Ick! After that I learned to just stick with things that I could manage without my stomach turning.
Then, while I had to deal with that, I had to start doing my physical therapy. Thankfully that wasn't as bad as I thought it was gonna be. I got tested to see if there were any problems with my range of motion, then I was told to do a routine of normal stretches. I was sore, sure, but it wasn't near as bad as what it could have been.
And, if that wasn't good enough news, I got to give Aaron a special little birthday present. I'd been begging and begging the doctor to see if my jaw could be un-wired a few days early. He kept his answer until I brought out the puppy-dog eyes, then he melted like butter. So, when Aaron came in to see me, I got to actually tell him 'Happy birthday!' and 'I love you!' that made him completely speechless._ ;P
_Since he was 18 now, that meant that he had to move out of the orphanage. We were willing to offer him a room in our house, but the situation was just too delicate for something like that. Instead, we helped him find an apartment to stay in (more like forced him to let us help him, the little Mr. Know-It-All).
Just a little more than a month after my attack and I was back at home and resting in my own bed. That was one of the better things that I got to do. But, that meant that I was well enough to get the stockpile of schoolwork that had been building up._ :( _Aaron brought my books home and helped tutor me, even though it was still weird thinking that he was only a few signatures away from being my brother. If that wasn't enough to make a relationship have an awkward moment, I don't know what would.
We still stayed together though. It would take more than a little thing like being brother and sister to keep us apart._ O.o Okay, maybe that sounded a bit weird. I don't know, my life's gotten really complicated in the past few months. Maybe I'll be able to make it out alive, as long as I've got Aaron . . .
"Don't worry mom, I'm gonna be just fine. I've got Aaron to make sure that nothing bad happens!" I said to mom, who was asking question after question like a police interrogator. It had been like that ever since I came home.
"I just want to make sure that you're okay with going back to school. Because we can go back to home schooling you again. If you want, that is."
"Mom!" I moaned, "I wanna go to school with Aaron! I promise that nothing bad is gonna happen! Besides, the crazy girl is still at the psyche center getting tests done to see if she's really crazy or not. There's nothing to worry about."
Her overprotective nature was starting to get on my nerves, especially since dad had even started to get it. I was going to go back to school, and as God as my witness my parents and their overprotectiveness weren't going to stop me. The only thing that was holding me back was having to wait for Aaron to pick me up. That was one condition that I had made with him was that I wasn't going to be alone for as much as I could help it.
I walked toward my room to wait and make sure, once again, that I had everything that I needed. An entire month's worth of homework required more than just my bare arms to carry around, so I had a backpack crammed full of papers and books. My bag was still lying on the bed when I opened my door. Everything was in place, and I was all ready for school, physically at least. I was still having second thoughts about going back, just because of the fear of something else happening.
My train of thought changed as I looked around the room, finally stopping at the mirror on my closet door. I wanted to look away, but my eyes kept wandering back. The reflection I saw was like a magnification of each and every flaw in my figure. Too fat, too skinny, too . . . non-symmetrical. I always left it to the mirror to bring out every little thing I despised about myself.
The doorbell rang and I went flying down the hallway. With my bag dropped at the doorway, I snuck up to the door and opened it, making sure to stay out of sight. Aaron called for me and stuck his head inside. That's when I decided to strike. I dove toward him, hoping to catch him off-guard. Instead, he turned to face me. I tried to turn, but couldn't before he caught me and spun me around.
"Aww, Aaron, you were supposed to let me get you, not the other way around!" I giggled out as he set me back down.
He smiled at me and planted a kiss on my nose. "But if I let that happen, then I wouldn't get a chance to spin you around now, would I?" I giggled again and he planted another kiss on my nose. "So, are you ready to go? We've got to get all your stuff turned in before school starts."
I nodded, so we said goodbye to mom (Mrs. Gillet for Aaron), I grabbed my bag, and we left for school. On the way, Aaron and I had the normal 'catch up on everything that happened the day before' questions were asked, to which the normal answers were given. All that was different was that Aaron had replaced his old air freshener with a new one: pear passion.
By the time that we got to school, there was still forty-five minutes until our first class started. After I handed in my work to all my teachers, we still had a little over half an hour left. "Aaron," I started, "why did you want to leave so early? You and I both know it wasn't going to take long to get everything turned in."
He let out a sign and looked into my eyes. I knew something was on his mind by the way he stared. It was unsettling. "Jennifer." "Uh-oh. He used my full name. He's never done that before. Why would he call me by my full first name?" "I'm not really sure how I want to put this . . . " "That doesn't sound good. What does he mean by that? Did I do something wrong? Is it something about how I look or what I am?" "But it's something that I need to talk to you about."
"Do you think I'm ugly?" I blurted out. I covered my mouth with both paws in both embarrassment and shock. My ears pressed against my head and I ducked my head down.
He paused and didn't say anything. I was sure that I had guessed what it was. He didn't love me. Everything had been a cruel joke played on me from the start. There were people listening everywhere as I got dumped and had my heart smashed into a million pieces. All for the world's sick pleasure.
But no, Aaron didn't say anything like that. "Jenn . . . I don't know what to say. No, I don't find you ugly. That's not what I wanted to talk to you about at all."
He sounded confused, like he wasn't going to do what I thought he was. That made me confused. "So . . . You're not going to . . . smash my heart into a million pieces for all the world to see?"
"Why would you think that I was going to do something like that? Jenn," he moved closer, so I started backing up out of fear, "I'm not gonna hurt you. Jenn, please, why are you acting like this?"
Then it hit me. This was just like when we first met, except in reverse. This time I was the one that was acting strange, like I had something to hide. "Do I have something to hide from Aaron?"
I couldn't answer the question.
"Jenn . . . " He started moving closer again, and I was tempted to move back again, but I didn't. I readied myself to be hit, just like a scared puppy. Once again, he didn't strike me, he only put his arms on my shoulders. I almost wanted to be shook, just to know that I was right and that he really didn't care. Just so that I didn't have to be so paranoid. "Why won't you look at me Jenn?"
I held my head down still. "Because . . . Because I want you to hate me. I-I want you t-to leave me . . . " The words didn't want to leave my mouth, and kept me stuttering for breath. They didn't sound right in the context of talking with Aaron.
He jolted me. This was it. He was going to hit me. He was going to do something. Then it happened. He grabbed my arms tighter. "This is it . . . " I could feel his eyes staring right through me. "He's gonna do it . . . " His hands let go. I cringed harder . . . Nothing.
"God, please don't let him leave . . . " I knew that I didn't know what I was thinking. I could only imagine how strange I appeared to Aaron. If I wasn't contradicting myself, I was only making myself feel worse by realizing what I had just said to him.
When I opened my eyes, he was standing right in front of me. The first shock made me flinch, but he didn't move a muscle. His eyes just stayed glued to mine. I was scared, I was confused, I was on the verge of crying. His eyes never left mine. My eyes started to blur, and my lip quivered. I was about to start bawling like a baby, and there was nothing that would be able to stop it.
"Why can't I just die?!" I screamed out. That did it. The tears started coming. I fell to my knees and cried like I'd never cried before. I wanted to die. I didn't want to be seen. I didn't want to ever have been born. But I couldn't figure out why. Aaron hadn't said anything remotely on the same level that I thought he would. In fact, I didn't even know what it was that he wanted to talk to me about. It could have been something simple that only required a yes or no, but there I was crying into my knees like some baby that got its bottle taken away.
Aaron put his hands on my shoulders again. I was too worried about stopping my crying to do anything about it. He lifted me up until I was standing. Still, I was too caught up in my sobbing to try to resist. My legs were shaking, and I was sure that I would fall if he let me go. I didn't feel his hands on me anymore. He had let go. A gasp caught in my throat. That was it. I lost Aaron. He'd left me to fall.
"I'm not ready to let you go . . . " But my legs had other plans. They swayed and wavered until they gave out. I fell no more than a foot through the air before I hit a wall. I didn't remember there being anything in front of me other than Aaron. My eyes opened to find a blurred picture of an angel. His brown hair covered his crystal eyes that beamed through enough to still see. It was the image of the one that I loved, but I couldn't see how it could have been. He had left me, hadn't he?
His hands wiped my eyes dry and I could see clearly. Like the angel that I saw before, I saw Aaron in front of me. His expression was solemn and calming. "Come on, let's get you home," he said, putting my arm over his shoulder. He walked me outside and to Aaron's car.
"Why are you doing this?" I mumbled out, my head still tucked into my chest.
His answer was simple, but made me realize that it really was Aaron, and not my guardian angel. He said, "Because, Jenn, I love you. I was just waiting until you were ready to fall."
He opened the door for me, and I sat down. As he drove, I stared unfocused through the windshield and didn't say a word. Aaron kept quiet the entire way too with the same calm expression that he had before, like he understood why I was acting so nutty. It was like he knew everything about me. "Am I that easy to read? Will I ever be sure of what I feel? Can I ever be ready to fall?"
"No, ma'am. She wasn't quite ready to go back yet," Aaron said as I drug my feet to my room, "so I hope it's okay if I stay for a little . . . "
My door closed and I dropped onto my bed. I was in such a state of self-hate and confusion that I didn't know if I'd ever see the truth. I could see that Aaron had feelings for me by everything he said and did, but I couldn't see any pure definition for myself. I still felt the butterflies in my stomach every time I thought of him, but there was no way for me to tell if they were from love or because he was the first person to be nice to me. The list of questions I was making was getting longer, but I wasn't finding any answers.
"Jennifer?" Mom's voice. Her tone was filled with concern. Really, I couldn't blame her.
"Yes, mom?"
"Aaron wants to see you. Is that okay?"
I sat up on my bed and petted my hair. If I said yes, I would have to confront Aaron. If no, then I would be running away from him again. The only question was if I was ready to make that choice. "Yeah, it's okay . . . Here goes nothing . . . " I gave a sigh as I whispered out the last part.
The knob turned and the door slowly opened. Aaron still looked as calm and confident as before. It continued to worry me to see him that calm. He said nothing until he was standing at the foot of my bed, gazing down at me. "May I?" he asked, motioning down. I nodded, so he slowly and contemplatively sat. "Jenn," he folded his hands together, "I want to start by apologizing; I'm sorry for making you uncomfortable at school. I didn't have my thoughts in order, and I can only imagine how bad I must have sounded."
My lip twitched involuntarily. I was still scared out of my wits because I still couldn't work out my own feelings. No matter what he said, I never stopped feeling like he didn't love me. Or, I would feel like I couldn't understand if I loved him.
He continued, "I want to give you something, but I need to know something first. And I want to make sure that you understand why I'm doing it." He knelt his head down and rested on his hands, propped up on his knees. "I need to know how you feel about me. Whether you have any feelings toward me or if I should just stay your friend. Or, if not even that, I'll leave you alone completely, as long as you're happy." My mind was already racing, but it kicked into overdrive as he shuffled off the bed and knelt at my feet. "Jennifer, I love you with all my heart, and I always will, but I want you to be happy. Please, I need to know how you feel toward me."
The way he looked up at me made a tear form under my eye. He was completely, totally sincere in what he said, and even with my brain overheating I could see that. It clicked. I understood. I knew why the butterflies were doing gymnastics. The feelings that I had for Aaron were real. "Aaron," I left the safety of my bed and moved down to the floor to look him face-to-face, "I don't think I could ever not love you. I was just at a point that everything seemed to be happening too fast. But that's over now, and I know that I love you, forever and always."
Inspired by a newfound strength I realized that it would all work out. It made me think back to all that had happened, just in the short time that we had known each other. He stayed by my bedside when I was in the hospital, he never once got mad or raised his voice to me, he comforted me when I needed to be comforted . . . and he was an all-around friend through-and-through.
I couldn't hold myself back anymore. I reached out to Aaron and pulled him close and hugged him. It was perfect. I rested my head on his shoulder, and tucked myself tight. I felt his arms around my sides and his hands at my shoulders. He was hugging me back, and I knew that he did it out of love.
"Jenn, I want to talk to you about what I was going to give you."
I lifted my head and looked into his eyes. For once I wasn't afraid to. I saw comfort in them. "Okay, Aaron, I'm ready now."
His hand went into his pocket, and my heart skipped a beat. It was a present for me, from the man (he was eighteen) that I loved. My eyes were wide with anticipation. When he pulled out a small box, I held my breath. "Jennifer, this is something that I thought could commemorate the feelings that I have for you."
The box opened, and two pieces of jewelry were resting on the cushion. A ring and locket, both a bright white gold color. The ring was a plain band, but the locket was brilliant. It was a half crescent moon with a cross inscribed on the surface. When my initial shock passed, I looked closer at the two items. Both were very beautiful and looked finely crafted . . . expensive. On the inside of the ring, and the inside of the locket words were etched in. I started reading the inside of the locket, "Until the moon and stars go dim . . . "
"I will always love you . . . " Aaron said. As I read the inside of the ring, I saw that was what was written. Another tear welled up in my eye. It was beautiful. It was wonderful. It was true. "Jenn, I hope that you understand," he paused, "I will always love you, and nothing will change that. With this locket, I define my eternity." He took the locket from me and put it around my neck. "And with this ring, I show my love encircling that eternity." The way I was holding the ring he only had to roll it onto my right-hand ring finger.
The moment seemed to freeze. This was right. "Aaron, I will always love you. No matter what, I want to be with you forever."
He reached out and put his hands on my shoulders. I put my paws on top of his hands. He looked me in the eyes. I blinked dreamily into his. He slid his hands down and wrapped his arms around my waist. I wrapped mine around his shoulders. He kissed my forehead. I blushed and tucked my head into the nape of his neck.
"I love you so much . . . "