The Lining IS Silver
The Lining is Silver
copyright 2010 comidacomida
(This is an off-shoot story line from the More Than Friends story, explaining the relationship between a high school friend of Tanner's named J.D. and his human lover, Jason. This is one of my rare first-pirson narratives, but it was necessary in order to correctly convey J.D.'s attitude and outlook. This is a continuation from the previous post, "Not All Bullies Are Bad, You Know". Now, without further ado, ENJOY!)
It's funny how life treats you at times. I don't mean the 'funny' like a joke, or even a stupid movie kind of 'funny'. I mean the 'funny' where you hit your elbow and you feel a sharp pain go through your arm... THAT kind of 'funny'... the kind that hurts like a motherfucker and someone has the balls to tell you that you hit your funny bone. Yea... it's like that... all the 'funny' involved in a sick-ass joke where your pain is the punchline.
Sometimes, though, you manage to get past the 'funny' and find some real value to things... I guess you could say I was damn lucky, because if I went down the road I was traveling, I would have had a fuck-load of 'funny' dropped right on my head before I even turned 20... not that I haven't already had my fair share, even with my 'better life' I'm enjoying these days. What I do know is that my life was headed in a real bad direction before things changed.
How did I get where I am now? Jason. It was Jason who changed me... or, like he says, 'helped me change'. He was the one who gave my life a purpose. There was just something about him...an inner fire that he never let go out. When I first met him I thought he was weak and feeble... I think maybe that's the way people look at anyone who isn't as hard-assed, jaded, and cynical as they are. What I know now, though, is that it takes a lot more strength to avoid becoming those things than it does to fall into em. I realized that Jason was something special. He was a crystal sitting in a sea of glass shards, and it took awhile for me to see his value. Once I did, though, I wasn't about to let anyone devalue him.
First of all, I didn't want anyone picking on Jason ever again. 'The boys' and I had a falling out... and it was a BAD break up... bad enough that it took a few stitches to close the wounds. I'd like to say that I gave em better than I got in return... but I ain't no liar, and, let's face it; no matter how bad-ass I was, there WERE five of em. But they knew I wasn't going to be easy prey, and one beating was enough before they decided to move on... They didn't bother him again, and any amount of pain was would have been worth getting them out of Jason's life... out of OUR life. Jason gave me strength, and he gave me hope that maybe I would someday be more than just a low-life thug.
And so, that part of my life was over, and he was the one who gave me direction. I didn't graduate my senior year... no big surprise there. But Jason didn't give up on me. During his senior year he helped me more than he'll ever know. We were study partners... oh GOD did I love studying with him... heh heh... he always knew just the perfect incentives and the best rewards. He knew that education was important, and he cared enough to make sure that I would see it too... even if it took a blow-job at 2:30 in the morning to help keep me on task. God, I loved studying with him... and apparently, with the right motivation, I can be a VERY good student.
We graduated together: my fifth year of high school and his fourth. Jason was one smart guy... I think it was that inner drive that got him there because I sure as hell knew it wasn't his parents that offered any love and nurturing. Our parents were too much alike for me to think that they'd have had anything to do with his success. No... he did it himself in a way that I never could have. But not only did he do it for himself, but he brought me along for the ride. That's what I saw in his eyes. Every time I looked I could see that inner fire, and it helped light mine.
There was something warm inside Jason... something I thought had been snuffed out in me ever since the first time I took a thrown vodka bottle upside the head. He gave that back to me. It was a feeling that maybe there was something in this life worth living for beside my own hide... a sense of belonging that went beyond 'this is someone I can hang out with to beat people up'. It was that special thing that made me love Jason more than I thought I could ever love anyone... some kind of beacon that pulled me to him like a moth to a flame... but also made him my obsession. Believe me... I ain't a pussy, and I don't scare easy, but I knew the world was a harsh place, and it terrified me to think of that warmth getting snuffed out.
Even without me being there for him, it seemed that matter how much shit the world dumped on Jason, he stayed above it and that fire kept on burning. I'm not an idiot though, and I realized early on that you can't stay above life's massive shit pile forever. Not even Jason. Sooner or later even he would fall. And once you're down, you're as good as fucked. The shit is just gonna keep raining down on you and never let up.
Once you fall, there's no way in hell you're getting outta that mess on your own and you better not expect anyone to stop and help you up. The world is filled with bastards and assholes. They use people as stepping stones to keep their goddamn spit-shined shoes clean. They step on the backs of the rest of us to make sure they don't get any 'real life' on the hems of their $400 slacks. I should know; I've been under those heels often enough. But I have a strong back, and nobody was gonna push me into the grime anymore than I already was; I wasn't about to go under for anyone... at least, not until I met Jason.
He'd been through the all the same shit as me, only worse. I didn't have a group of jack-ass thugs beating me down everyday. Fuck... I WAS one of those assholes... but that all stopped because of him. Jason deserved better than what we threw at him in high school. Hell... he deserved more than me. But 'me' is all I had to give to him, and, goddamn it, he made me want to do my best to make sure he got everything his life wasn't able to give him before he got me. I promised myself that he would never have to want for a guardian... someone who was there to help him if he ever fell. I was NOT going to let my human get covered in shit.
Like a 'good dog', I didn't let him out of my sight... and that's when the problems really started. I made the mistake of going over to his house a week or two after graduation. It was three in the afternoon. My folks didn't get started until four at the earliest, but Jason's mom and dad were already way beyond plastered. Yea... I'm not going into details about what happened... but that was the last time Jason's dad was ever going to lay a finger on him. Actually, as far as his left hand was concerned, it was the last time he'd be able to lay a finger on anyone.
I managed to get off with probation, mostly because of the fact that Jason convinced them not to press charges. Apparently coming from a middle-class family has its advantages because he promised them that he'd make sure every piece of dirty laundry they had would come out in court if they even so much as hinted at bringing his boyfriend up on charges. heh... I still get the warm-fuzzies all over when I think about that word... boyfriend. God... he always knew just what to say without even meaning to. Course... his parents didn't really take a shine to the idea... especially "Ol' Righty". In my defense, I didn't know he was left-handed... not that it mattered... I think I remember hearing that he learned to cope pretty well after a few months.
It seemed like a good time to find a change of scenery... and life moved right along with it. Jason had the chance to escape town: He got a scholarship, complete with living expense. There's no way for me to explain what it felt like when he told me that he was moving. I knew I did something wrong. I knew that I screwed up. I wanted to be worthy of him... to be a 'good dog' for him because that's what he deserved, but I'm a bull terrier; it's not who I am. I ain't a good person by any means... but Jason was, and by God I really wanted to do my best to make sure he stayed that way... and I wasn't going to be able to do it if he moved away.
You have any idea what that's like? Wanting the human you love to succeed and improve and do something with his life, but at the same time, wish that he wouldn't go? I never wanted someone to do something I didn't want them to do... I mean... fuck... it still hurts thinking about it. I remember closing myself off from the world for three days after he told me. God... I wanted to die so badly... to take myself out of the whole scene. I knew I wasn't good for him. I wanted to protect him from all the bad things in life, but who was going to protect him from me? I was so jealous of him leaving that I would have asked him to give up all of that just so I could have him in my life. I didn't... but I could have... but I didn't.
See... the really fucked up thing was that, for as much as I was this strong dog, able to handle anything the world threw at me, I found that I had a weakness... and it was a damn big one too: Jason. He added so much to my life, I didn't know what life would be like without him. It sounds like a pussy thing to say, I know... but you try falling in love, turning your life around, trying to become the 'good dog' that your human deserves, and then find out that, in order to help him do what he should do, you have to become the thing that he shouldn't? Yea... if that's an easy decision to make then I'm fucking the Queen of England.
In the end though, I realized that letting him go was the right thing to do. I mean... he was Jason... he was the guy who would succeed on will alone. He was the guy who wouldn't let himself get buried under the crap that was dished his way. He was the guy that could get by without a fuck-up guard dog like me... He was the guy who came to my house after my parents left for the day, not willing to let me turn into a hermit.
He found me in my room laying on my bed. I had done a lot of that in the several days after he told he he was going to college. Jason climbed into bed with me without saying a word. I could smell him well enough that I knew who it was without having to turn and look at him. I didn't say anything, because I knew that would only make it harder. He had come to say goodbye... I knew that was his reason for visiting. He wanted to make it an easy separation, and saying goodbye would be easiest if I made him say it for both of us.
As it turned out, he didn't come to say goodbye. "Come with me." were his exact words... ones that took a long time to register. He laid down on the bed and wrapped his arms around me. He rested his head against mine and said it again, "Come with me." The second time was enough, and I turned to face him. Jason was wearing one of those overcoats you'd see on one of the old detective movies... but, when he had my attention, he let loosened the belt, and slipped out of it, completely naked in the way only a hairless human could be, "I don't want to leave without you, J.D."
I'm not good with words... never have been. I didn't know what the fuck to say... I mean... how could I? Jason NEEDED to go to college... and I knew that I was no good for him. I wanted to be in his life, but knew I was just going to destroy it... that's what pretty much always did whether I wanted to or not. So I told him I couldn't.
His responding question was simple enough that I could still remember the exact tone he used, "Why not?" it's like my answer made absolutely no sense to him.
"Because I'm not right for you, Jay... I told you that I would make sure nothing bad happened to you... and if I come to you, I'm going to drag you down. So... so I'm not going, because I have to protect you from me." I think I was crying when I said it... fuck... I'm getting misty even now. He meant so much to me, I knew that there was no way that he would manage to keep going if I was there weighing him down.
He rolled me over, and I didn't bother resisting. He gazed right down at me, those eyes... god, those eyes... and do you know what he told me? He said, "I don't need you to protect me from who you were, because you already chased that guy away a long time ago." and he touched his nose to mine... damn that little fuck... he always knew just the right things to say... not like me.
And you know what? He was right. Even after just a year and a half I wasn't the same Dog I was before our lives joined. And I actually said it, right then and there, "Jason... I think I love you."
"Then come with me." he said, resting a hand on my chest, "My scholarship covers housing, and food, and transportation... more than enough for me. This is college we're talking about." and do you know what that smart ass added? He said, "I really need my Guard Dog. I love him too much to leave without him." Fuck... now I AM tearing up. Ugh...
Anyway, he wasn't done. He came over to my parents' place to remind me about how much we meant to each other. If his words weren't enough, his gift sure did it. Jason had a year to find out everything that I liked.. everything that drove me crazy when we were alone and naked. Those late night study sessions were full of school books for me, but, I later realized that he was doing some studying of his own. Jason showed me that afternoon just what I meant to him when he laid down in my bed on his back, and led me on top of him.
I'm kinda thick-headed, you know? I don't really catch on fast when people are being subtle. At first, I almost thought he wanted me to sit on his chest and hump his mouth. I would have, you know... I mean... I probably worried I was gonna choke him or something but... well... never mind... like I said-- thick-headed and I don't catch on fast. I didn't realize what he wanted until he hooked a leg around my waist, and smiled up at me.
We'd talked about it a few times, but we both knew it wasn't a good idea. I mean... guy Dogs never do 'that' with one another because, well... obviously there's a lot of knot to deal with, and the pleasure is only worth so much pain for the one getting drilled in the tail-hole. Most dogs can get out of control when they're in the heat of the moment, and that could cause injury. I didn't want that for him, or for us.
But, you know, the thing about Jason is that every time I was with him... every time he was coaxing me on with his hands or his lips, it was never about 'fucking' or 'plowing', or 'drilling'... there was more to it than that... like the time we spent like that gave me a feeling that, at least for a minute, we could escape the shit storm that raged outside of the moment, and that we could share in a peace of having one another. I wanted that so bad it hurt... but I knew I wasn't about to do it-- I wasn't about to hurt the human I loved.
Regardless of the fact that I needed to say 'no', but didn't want to, Jason wasn't asking, and he didn't give me a choice. It's funny to think that, though I had always been 'on top' with him, so to speak, he was always the one in control. That's what bull terriers need, you know... someone who could take control without forcing us to give up who we are. Oh god, but I would have given up anything for Jason... everything, if what he wanted was possible... but I knew it wasn't.
"I don't want to hurt you, Jason..." I think it was the only time in my life that I really whimpered... and, aside from all the mushy stuff, I was whimpering because it hurt like HELL... that human could give me blue-balls in a half second flat. Well... there was SOME mushy stuff... and if you think that makes me any less of a Dog, just remember who can bench 600 before you think about saying anything.
He looked up at me, this strange, serene smile on his face as he slowly pulled my hips closer to his with pressure from his heel on the small of my back, "I trust you... and I know you never would hurt me, JD."
He raised his head, and, obediently, I lowered mine. His warm, pink nose touched mine, but he didn't let it stop there. He kissed me, like he would do sometimes... but it was more than just that... there was something to it... something that still makes my heart beat faster just thinking about it now. I put my paw down beside his chest, and he wrapped his arm around it. My other paw found its way to his free leg, and I pushed it up and out, feeling his butt slide along the underside of my exposed meat... oh... I still shiver remembering his skin... that touch... his smell... and, oh god... the sound he made when my tip found the spot.
I remember his eyes looking into mine, that powerful presence gazing up at me, locking onto my stare. There was no fire in his eyes... not that time. The will was there, but not the fire. Instead, I fell into the blue... the deep blue, like soothing waters that made me realize that no one could be on fire all the time, or they'd burn out. In that moment, I realized that Jason was not just my ignition, but he also kept me from being burned.
"I love you." I told him again.
"I love you." he said to me, and it filled me with so much joy that I didn't think I'd be able to contain myself. Somehow, though, I did. He parted as I entered him, and I watched his face all the while, looking for any sign of hesitance... distress... pain. I saw none of that... just a warming, loving smile, and a sense of certainty. God... it was... amazing.
I stopped when my knot hit up against his rump. My body pushed me forward, telling me that it belonged inside him, but I knew better. No matter what Jason was offering, he said it himself: I would never hurt him. I moved slowly, fighting with my own body for control. He said he trusted me. He called me his good dog. Each movement was an exercise in proving those things to myself... that I was stronger than who I had been in the past. Each time I slid out of him, I fought to make sure that my next thrust wasn't too hard. Every time my thrust into him ended with my knot on the outside... never on the inside.
You know, people say that Dogs can't get off unless they get enough pressure on their knot... but I learned something that day: that's a load of bullshit. Jason taught me a lot about myself during the time we'd been together, and that day he taught me something else; if my human trusts me enough to have me take him that way, and tells me that he knows I won't hurt him... fuck... THAT is all the pressure you need for one window-rocking nut-buster... and you can quote me on that.
Oh... and if you couldn't guess... I went with Jason to college... I mean... how could I not? I loved him. Maybe I wasn't the 'good dog' he thought I was, but he made me far better than I ever would have been without him, and I wasn't about to let anything fuck with someone who could do that. Despite Jason's shitty past, I think he came out smellin' like a rose. I'm a bull terrier, and if you know the breed, then you know sure as shit that I was gonna do my best to keep him that way.