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By the time we left Ryoshi's, Gainsborough Boulevard started to get more crowded when the bustling night life started to kick in. I personally never really liked crowded places. I'd rather want to go somewhere peaceful and quiet. And the lagoon is just one of those places, which is exactly where the three of us were headed that evening. Throughout the years, I've been there countless of times. While most girls of my age went out clubbing at night during the weekends, I often came down there whenever I felt the need to escape reality. During the day, I could just close my eyes and drift away... Wiggling your toes in the pearl white sand, feeling the warm sun shining on you... The palm trees gently waving, providing shade when it got a little too hot... Feeling a cool summer's breeze waving past your face... The water so shallow and crystal clear, it seemed as if you were looking through a liquid window... The rock formation, separating the lagoon from the ocean, glistening in the sun light... Hearing the ocean waves hitting the shore and seagulls screeching in the distance... It's such a wonderful place... But at night, it all seems so very different... The night-sky is hardly affected by light pollution and you can see the stars clearly... The first time you get to see the stars there is like you're seeing them for the very first time in your life... Even though the nightsky here wasn't anything like it was back home, it still reminded me of the nights I gazed up at the stars... On clear nights, you were able to see the entire cosmos... I kept staring at the horizon when the three of us were walking down the beach as the sun was setting. Blain and Sam were talking and laughing as we made our way but I hardly paid any attention to the conversation they were having. I was too busy reminiscing all the good memories I have from this place while we walked... I came here all the time during summer back when I was still a cub... Usually with Blain, where we'd stay all day eating ice-cream and swim in the ocean... And I got stung by a jellyfish one day when we found it on the beach and I wasn't careful enough...

Walking on for a bit, we eventually reached the wooden docks and I stopped to watch the view for a moment when the memories went through my head... This is where Blain used to fish. I tried it once, didn't have the patience for it... Blain didn't either because he was usually messing about while he was waiting. The catapult he had was supposed to be used to shoot bait in the water but whenever he ran out of bait, he shot pebbles in the water for the hell of it, much to other fishermen's annoyance for scaring away the fish. One of those fishermen's scolded him when he was messing around one day and that was the end of his fishing career. Fishing is not that interesting anymore when you can't use a catapult so he quickly lost interest in it since then. Blain and Sam didn't even noticed I stayed behind to watch the view seeing as they were too busy talking to each other... So I quickly picked up the pace and caught up with them...

The moment we arrived at the lagoon, I sat down on a log and wiggled my toes in the cool sand as I stared ahead at the sunset... This is where Kevin celebrated his sixteenth birthday... Quite a few of his friends including Blain and I were invited and it was the best party I ever attended... And a lot of things happened for the first time that night for me... First and also last time I ever drank a beer... First time a guy ever showed interest and tried to hit on me... First time I ever told someone I wasn't interested in a non-bitchy way... First time I actually went out and enjoyed something for once... So yeah, it was quite amazing...

I wasn't paying much attention to Blain and Sam at that point, I was too busy enjoying the view as I sat down... Blain brought along some wood and firelighters in order to make a campfire in the stone fire-pit that's been around for ages... Sitting around a fire made spending time there so much more enjoyable... Around the fire pit were improvised benches made out of logs... I have no idea who made it considering it's been there for as long as I can remember but whoever made that sure knew how to have a good time with people... Sam came down and sat next to me while the two of us stared ahead at the sunset... And once Blain managed to get the fire started, he sat down across...

'It's so great to be here again after all these years...'

'Hm-mm... This place holds so many memories, Sam...'

'Yeah...'

'Can't believe its been nine years since...'

'Since what?'

'Kevin's party. Back when time didn't seem to exist.'

'Oh yeah... Yeah, I remember that.'

'Hehehe...'

'That was awesome... Everyone was there that night.'

'Radjeev kept following Sam around like a loyal pup. He had a huge crush on you.'

'Radjeev, pfff... I wasn't just a crush to him anymore, I was his obsession. He started to creep me out.'

'Haha, he admired you! That's different.'

'I was stuck with him while you two were supposed to bail me out! You snuck off with Ashley doing God knows what instead of keeping Radjeev out of my hair and Ceylan was tripping out.'

'Haha! Yeah! Ceylan was so far gone.'

'I wasn't spacing, I was watching the stars in peace.'

'You were staring at your hand for a good ten minutes before you kicked back!'

'I did? I don't remember that...'

'Randall said that you shouldn't have smoked it like a cigarette yet you ignored his advice because you didn't feel anything. And then bam! It hit ya like a sledgehammer when it kicked in.'

'It felt like I was floating on fluffy clouds for a good two hours. Never had anything that strong.'

'You guys still do that?'

'What?'

'Smoke weed?'

'Occasionally. It's nice to come down here and unwind after a busy week. And the conversations Ceylan and I are having are quite interesting.'

'Blain tends to get all philosophical on me when he's stoned out out of his gourd.'

'It's the kind of questions that keeps me awake at night.'

'Haha! Such as?'

'Don't encourage him, Sam.'

'Well, for example... Do fish ever get thirsty?'

'... Huh. Good question.'

'Google it, I'm sure there's an answer to that question already.'

'See Ceylan, this is exactly why you're hardly ever invited to parties.'

'Why lie awake at night when you can find an answer in the magical realm of the internet?'

'The discussion is exactly what makes it fun!'

'Fine, let's hear it then.'

'My theory is, is that every living being needs to stay hydrated. So yeah, I think fish get thirsty.'

'Okay, well, lets assume that fish do get thirsty.'

'Uh-huh.'

'They're already in the water.'

'Uh-huh...'

'So every time they go like "blub blub blub", their mouths opens.'

'Go on...'

'Every time their mouths opens, they'll ingest a bit of water. You know, for being underwater.'

'Hm-mm...'

'But considering they go "blub blub blub" every two damn seconds, they ingest quite a lot of water throughout the day.'

'Uh-huh...'

'So if they do ingest water all the time, would they still be thirsty?'

'Hmm...'

'If you drink water twenty four seven, you wouldn't be thirsty anymore, would you?'

'Noooo...'

'So there you have it.'

'So you're saying fish don't get thirsty?'

'My theory is, is that fish do get thirsty but are not aware that they are seeing as they ingest water all the time.'

'My mind is blown.'

While Blain and I were having our little debate, Sam stayed unusually quiet and when I faced her, I noticed that she was staring at her phone, browsing a website... Then she gave us the answer after looking it up...

'It says so right here.'

'Do tell.'

"Freshwater fish consume water through their bodies by a process called osmosis. This is the means by which water diffuses through a surface. It is carried out so that there is an equilibrium between the water inside and the water outside a cell. Saltwater fish, on the other hand, live in environments with much higher concentrations of salt. This means that they are constantly losing water to their environment. They typically drink large amounts of water through their mouths in order to maintain an equilibrium of salt concentrations within their bodies. Most saltwater fish have special glands and cells that absorb, process and excrete excess salt."

'... Wait, fish shit salt??'

'It doesn't say that they shit it out but-'

'And we use salt in our dishes... Salt that came out of a fish's ass.'

'Yes. Yes, we do. Does knowing the answer help ease your mind?'

'Yes, now I can finally sleep peacefully at night.'

'Alright... I'm glad to know that the answer to a life changing question has done you some good.'

'Hm...'

'What?'

'Do you think fish fall asleep?'

'No, just... Just stop.'

That's how it always started. Discussing something totally random and stupid but it gave us something to laugh about. It didn't take long before the topic switched back to Kevin's "epic" party we had back then. Nothing crazy or outrageous as you see in movies but the fact that we had a party at the beach without adult supervision at the age of sixteen was considered epic. Back then, me and all of my friends felt like we were on top of the world and no one could ever bring us down. And then we all went our separate ways once we graduated high school and forgot each other as time went on. Nevertheless, I often think back of the good old days we all spent together... It's the kind of stories you've heard a thousand times over but never gets old and keeps making you laugh no matter how many times you've heard it. It's the kind of stories I loved telling and listening to. Luckily for me, Blain and Sam loved telling those stories just as much as I did... And Blain shared one that particular night that always had me in stitches... Especially the way he told it every time made it so damn funny...

'Mister Abernathy, the math teacher. You remember how stuck up he was, right? How much of a nervous wreck he was and how people took the piss out of him for being so strict and serious?'

'Oh yeah, absolutely. I remember his rage fits.'

'This one day, out of the twenty people in our class, only four completed their assigned courses. And mister Abernathy was causing a scene, scolding people for not doing their homework, asking himself why he bothered trying teaching us "rabbles" anything and if we were able to comprehend basic mathematics. "Do all of you grasp the concept of addition?!! Are you able to comprehend basic math?!" And Nancy was too busy with her nails so he picked out Nancy and yelled at her, "Nancy!! What's two plus two?!!'

'Hehehe...'

'Of course, poor Nancy was so intimidated by him that she couldn't answer that particular question. But Joey made the fatal mistake of laughing quietly and mister Abernathy heard that which pissed him off even more. So he got to Joey instead, slammed his hands on Joey's desk and asked him the same question. "Joey!! You seem to know the answer to this!! What's two plus two?!!"

'Haha!'

'Joey didn't expect any of that and was just as dumbstruck as Nancy was. Mister Abernathy looked him in the eyes with that psychopathic, piercing stare of his and demanded an answer. "Do I have to repeat the question?!! Do you not understand the question I just asked you?!! What's two plus two?!!' And I gently nudged Joey and whispered "forty eight" and Joey blurted out "F-F-Forty eight!!". Haha! The whole class was dieing of laughter! And then we all got detention.'

'Hahaha!'

'But it was so worth it! Everyone thought he said that on purpose to piss him off while Joey never meant to. But he became a legend that day.'

'I took him to the gym once, showed him around and introduced him to Frank. He came by a couple of evenings before he decided to sign up for lessons.'

'Really?? Joey did kick-boxing?'

'Yup. You didn't know? Ceylan has seen him around.'

'Oh yeah! I remember! I saw him the first time Sam took me there.'

'He was a good kid.'

'Yeah, he was...'

'Joey gained my respect when he made a fucking savage comeback at Jennifer. You remember that, Ceylan?'

'Haha! Yes, of course I do! Who'd forget that?! I soooo wasn't expecting that from him! That was exactly what made him so awesome to be around with.'

'What savage comeback?'

'Jennifer made some snappy remark about Joey and the two of them got into a fight. At some point, Jennifer said something along the lines of "You're dick is probably as small as a Tic-Tac." to which Joey said "That explains why you're breath is so minty fresh." Haha!'

'Hahaha! She didn't get it at first but her face turned red the moment it started to sink in and other people were laughing!'

'Joey implied in front of everyone that Jennifer sucked his dick!'

'Haha! Yeah, I get that, Blain!'

'Oh man, the way he said that...'

'Jennifer always gave him a hard time but I think she actually liked him.'

'Didn't you and Ceylan set him up with Angela?'

'We did, yeah! Ceylan knew he had a huge crush on Angela and he asked her for advice.'

'Joey asked me for advice. ... Me. He must've been pretty desperate if he came to me for that.'

'What about you, Blain?'

'I gave him some tips but honestly, I just wanted to see what would happen if he approached her and if he got stood up or not.'

'Poor guy was so nervous when he approached her and stuttered when he tried to strike up a conversation. He quickly left afterwards but Blain encouraged him to keep talking to her only because Blain was laughing his ass off whenever Joey tried to talk to her.'

'But hey, it paid off didn't it?! Took quite a long time and several embarrassing hilarious moments but they got together in the end!'

'Haha, yes they did...'

'I sometimes wonder how he's doing, you know? Would be great if we could have a reunion of some sort.'

'Ceylan and I have him on Facebook. Ceylan is hardly ever online but I still see him posting regularly.'

'Is he still together with Angela?'

'Yes! After nine years, they're still together.'

'Nine years... That's longer that all of our relationships combined.'

'Indeed... You still talk to him, Sam?'

'Yeah, sometimes, on Facebook!'

'What's he up to nowadays?'

'He works as an account-manager in Stanford.'

'Sounds like he did well for himself.'

'Yeah...'

'Nine years together, wow...'

'Still, I'm glad things worked out for him.'

'Yeah, me too...'

'It's actually kind of funny how things can turn out. I didn't imagine Joey would be the first to settle down.'

'Or have a full-time job.'

'Or would've found the love of his life...'

'And look at us! ... How the fuck did he managed to??'

'Haha! Yeah... I'm just wondering how the two of them are still madly in love with each other after nine years. No one has ever managed to put up with me for more than nine months...'

'Hehe, awwww!'

'I suppose I need to check my basement more often to make sure no one can escape.'

'It's soundproof, right?'

'Haha! Yes! No, but seriously... I've been watching too many romance movies and keeping my head up in the clouds.'

'That's what love does to you. David and I have been together for three years and even though I knew we had to end it at some point, I wasn't really thinking about it. I was enjoying the time I've spent with him instead of worrying how things might turn out once he graduated and went home. And of course I feel sad about our break up but we knew we had to at some point...'

'Yeah...'

'But I was still with him for as long as it lasted. He made me happy and we've had great times together. I just didn't imagine him to get over me so quickly... But maybe he just told himself that just to make it easier to leave and I can't blame him for that... I'd probably would've done the same... Even though the way we broke up was painful, I can't say I regret ever being with him... And I suppose that's all that matters...'

'You mean not having regrets?'

'Exactly...'

It stayed silent for a while as the three of us were carried away in thoughts. It made me wonder if I ever regretted anything in my life. But unlike Sam, I had a lot of things I regret. Things I wasn't able to change. Things I did or didn't do. Things I've said or haven't said. It's actually kind of fucked up to see how one small thing can change everything so drastically and you can't do a damn thing about it. And even if you can, who is to say that you're not fucking it up again? Only time would tell if you'd fuck up... Every decision you make in life has its own consequences whether it plays out or not. The most fucked up thing in life is that you don't always see it. And when you do, it's already too late...

'I think we all have something to regret. The thing is, we can't change what happened.'

'I suppose so, Blain...'

'So you can either accept that and move on or live your life feeling remorseful over things you can't change.'

'Yup... Accepting regret is difficult though.'

'Most people forget that having regret is also a learning moment. It's all part of life. You can either choose to ignore it and go down the same road you've been on or you can learn from it.'

'True but it wouldn't really matter, now that I think about it...'

'What do you mean?'

'Well... This one time, Blain and I went out to Topanga's and met two girls. Bought them drinks, had a good time there and one of them was interested in me...'

'And the other was interested in Blain, I assume.'

'She was, yeah... And they "invited" us over... Soooo we stayed and the four of us had some fun until it got cut short...'

'How so...?'

'I couldn't go through with it.'

'So, uhm... What happened...?'

'I had Nikki at the time... And with everything that was happening, I just had to get away from it all... But I just couldn't stop thinking about Nikki, which is why I couldn't go through with it... But I wasn't able to undo the things I did...'

'Oh, I see...'

'I confessed what I did to Nikki and well... We broke up shortly after... And while I can imagine that Blain had the time of his life, I can honestly say it wasn't my proudest moment...'

'Hm...'

'What I'm trying to say is; I thought I would regret it if I went along with it... But here we are now, months after it happened and now I regret NOT going through with it...'

'Uh-huh...'

'Perhaps that would make me feel more shitty about it if I did but hey, at least I did something I wanted to try out for so long... Can't undo what has been done, right? I could either regret not going home with these girls or regret I ever went that far with her...'

'Wouldn't that have tarnished the experience if you did...?'

'Whadda ya mean?'

'Well, if you did go through with it and had the time of your life and regret it afterwards, you wouldn't be able to look back and think how much of an amazing experience that was... Because every time you think about it, you'll also be reminded that you cheated on Nikki...'

'Yeah, I suppose so, Sam... But if I was going to regret it one way or another, I might as well have gone all the way... But truth is, I didn't know why I did it...'

'You and Nikki had some rough times...'

'Yeah, and I was looking for something that Nikki couldn't give me... So in some way, I regret going through with it and at the same time, I don't... Which is kinda weird... But in the end, it didn't matter what I did... I'd regret it either way...'

'Haven't you ever thought about dating again? I mean, it's been quite a while and sometimes, it seems as if being single makes you feel miserable...'

'Of course I did but being with someone... It seems so straightforward but it's so hard for me to maintain a relationship...'

'Why's that?'

'I mean, I'm bi, I go both ways. I always get the feeling that I'm missing something, whether I'm with a woman or with a guy. I can't "pick" a side and stick with it, if you know what I mean. I can be in love with some guy but still feel the need to be with a woman. It takes someone special to deal with that. And while some guys may think it's quite the perk, it actually brings a lot of conflict with it. How would you feel if you'd have a bi-sexual boyfriend and he's seeing a guy on the side? Where would that leave you? Not to mention to the guy he's seeing would feel, knowing that he's just a "side-dish". It's one of the reasons why I've had quite a lot of fights and bad break-ups from keeping things secret...'

'Hm...'

'It's just... It's difficult to explain to someone that they can't give you what you need while it's not their fault to begin with... I don't know what I need and I need to find that out on my own without making compromises... That's why I'm not ready to commit myself to someone. But that doesn't mean I feel the need to... And while I want to explore both sides, I'm not desperate for it. I'm not doing such a thing until I'm absolutely sure about it.'

'And with that, you mean sex...?'

'Yeah...'

'Even with strangers?'

'It always takes a while before I'm comfortable with someone... And by the time I'm comfortable with someone, they're no longer strangers to me. But that doesn't mean I'm not having an open mind about it.'

'Would you do something like that again...?'

'I might, yeah... And I'd like to think that I can start all over now, to set the pace myself and let it happen on my own terms with whomever I chose... '

'I suppose we all have our own needs and desires...'

'There will always be something missing in my relationship... And if I'm honest to my partner about seeing someone else, I can't expect them to accept that... Everything turned for the worst with Nikki and Terry when I kept things a secret from them... I don't want to force anyone to make a decision they're not willing to make... Because I had to and I've never felt so miserable...'

'So you're just looking for people to have sex with.'

'You know me better than that, Sam...'

'No, no, don't get me wrong! I'm not judging you or anything but-'

'It sure as hell sounded like you just did...'

'I'm not saying what you should and shouldn't do but I'm just curious. What are you trying to find by doing this? What would you expect to happen? Does that really make you happy...?'

'In some way, it does but... To me, it's so much more than that...'

'Even if it's just casual...??'

'I suppose, yeah... I'm just trying to find it through the only way I've ever known...'

'Wait, what?? What do you mean with "the only way you've ever known"?'

'N-Nothing... Forget I said anything...'

'You're not talking about love, are you...? Please tell me you don't...'

'Just drop it, okay? I've already said too much.'

'This isn't a healthy mindset, Ceylan...! It's a whole different thing if you're looking for a good time but thinking you'll find love is the wrong reason for you do so...!'

'Just... Don't, okay? It's fine, really...'

'No, it's not! You shouldn't be doing this to yourself, Ceylan! You're so much more than that! Blain, back me up here!'

'Look, uhm... I don't think we should be discussing this here...'

'Really?! Really??! I can't believe what I'm hearing! How the hell can you even say that?! She's our friend! It's not okay for her to feel about herself that way!'

'It's not like that, Sam...'

'What do you mean, it's not like that?! How come you can't see that?! You're giving so much of yourself to someone and get so very little in return! That's not how it works! You can't let people use you like that!'

'Like you did...?'

I didn't mean to say that... But all day long, I was questioning things about how things used to be between Samantha and me and how things would be now... I kept it to myself for the entire day and when Sam started asking me questions, I started to feel the pressure and just blurted it out... Sam all of a sudden looked at me with big eyes... And Blain just sat there, dumbstruck... I know Samantha was looking out for me and wanted me to be okay but seeing her so upset, thinking that people were using me while that's not true... For some reason, she had the impression that I was... Nevertheless, I regret saying that to her... Because she was so much more than that...

'I'm sorry... I didn't mean to say that, Sam...'

'Heh...'

I looked at Sam and she just stared ahead in blank space and shook her head in silence... Blain was in the middle of all this and he had no idea what to do...

'Wow, uhm... Okay, let's all just calm down...'

'We've talked about it, Ceylan. More than once. And perhaps Blain's right, maybe we shouldn't talk about it here...'

'Look, I don't know what the hell's been going between the two of you all of a sudden but whatever it is, talk it out.'

'I just don't want people to use her like that, Blain... I remember all the talks we've had and the things that happened...! And I just don't understand why she can't see that and that she's doing this deliberately to herself...'

'What did you mean when you said that Sam took advantage of you as well, Ceylan?'

'I didn't mean that...'

'No but, still... Whatever it is, it's obviously bothering you. Sam's here for a whole week and if there's something you two need to work out, its best that you do now.'

'Heh...'

'This is week is supposed to be about us having fun like we used to and not let whatever it is stand in the way. We're all mature enough to discuss anything, right?'

'This is a little more to it than that, Blain... It's something between Ceylan and me...'

'So?? You two honestly want to let that get in between? You two used to be so close but today, I've noticed you're both a little distant with each other. And now I know why! There's obviously something going on that the two of you aren't telling each other. That's exactly what I told you earlier today, Ceylan.'

'Told her what...?'

'I told Ceylan to talk to you about how she finds it difficult to see you again after all this time.'

'Heh...'

'But it's not just Ceylan, Sam. I notice you too aren't being yourself around Ceylan today. All three of us know that something is up and if you two choose to ignore that, then things will never be the way they were. But I know you two value your friendship too much to let whatever it is to get in the way of that.'

'It's something that Sam and I never told you...'

'So you DO know what it's about.'

'Yeah, we do...'

'Alright... We're all friends, I can't think of any reasons why you'd have to hold back on each other.'

'It means we'd have to tell you something first...'

'What's going on then?'

Earlier that day, Blain noticed something was up after I had a moment alone with Sam... I didn't tell him the details but he knew something was up... And he was right, Sam and I had to talk... I sighed quietly and looked at Sam... I know she didn't feel comfortable discussing this with Blain in our presence but... I honestly had no idea what would've happened if Blain wasn't there that night to act as an arbiter... And it's something I didn't really want to think about... A whole bunch of secrets came out in the open like that and needless to say, it was pretty awkward... And I suppose there was no reason to keep things a secret anymore... Samantha looked at me for a moment and nodded quietly... So I started talking...

'You know how Sam and I met and how we became friends... But we never told you that we used to be a lot more than just friends...'

'Okay... I didn't really expect that. Go on.'

'I fell in love with Sam at some point but Sam wasn't aware of my feelings for her back then... We've had our talks, like, girly talks, about love and... Sex... And then one night, she told me that she wanted to know what it's like to kiss a girl...'

'And Sam still wasn't aware of your feelings for her?'

'No... But my feelings for her only got stronger when she asked me if she could kiss me, just to see what it's like... And so we did...'

'Oh wow...'

'I wasn't aware that Ceylan had feelings for me... To me, it just seemed like we were fooling around, you know? And while kissing her felt great, it wasn't enough to satisfy my curiosity... And that's when I talked about going further...'

'With Ceylan?'

'It didn't came to mind on doing so with Ceylan but I was just curious... And once Ceylan found out I wanted more, she, uhm... Heh...'

'Why, what happened?'

Sam and I looked at each other and couldn't help but to smile... That night at the gym, in the women's locker-room... It was the only way for me to have seen her naked but that night, we got so much more than that... Samantha smiled nervously and her face turned red the moment she talked about it...

'You know that Ceylan and I used to go to Frank's gym, right...?'

'Yeah?'

'It was around closing time and Ceylan and I were the only ones left in the women's locker room... And while I was taking my shower, Ceylan approached me from behind and uhm... She touched me... Everywhere I wanted to be touched...'

'... You're shitting me.'

'Haha! No, no, it's...'

'... No fucking way.'

'It's true, Blain...'

'Haha! Wow! That's awesome! Go on!'

'Ceylan did a whole lot more than that but I won't go into details... But it was one of the greatest things I've ever experienced... She was amazing...'

'Hehehe...'

'Well, uhm... After that, I only wanted more so... We stayed over at each other's house during the weekends and uhm... Yeah...'

'So that's why you guys had so many sleepovers!'

'Yup...'

'But things started to get a little complicated when Ceylan told me she was in love with me... Because her feelings for me weren't mutual... I always thought we were just fooling around but I didn't want to hurt her feelings by doing this, you know...? She was in love with me and I slept with her just to satisfy my own curiosity...'

'Then what?'

'I told her that we shouldn't be doing this... We talked about it but despite that, she still wanted to... So we eventually made a compromise...'

'What compromise?'

'Ceylan's focus wasn't on sex but... She wanted things like cuddling and kissing and stuff... And me, well... I wanted to sleep with her because... She was amazing and she'd let me explore her in every way imaginable... Something I wasn't comfortable of doing so with someone else... And that went on until the day I left for college...'

'I see...'

'Samantha made it clear from the very beginning that my feelings for her would never be mutual... But I've missed her so much and... I missed how things used to be between us... But seeing you again after all this time is difficult, Sam... Throughout the day, I've been questioning if we're able to pick up where we left off or if we'll have to build our friendship from the ground up again... It's been on my mind ever since you arrived... And it's the uncertainty that kills me... Because I don't know if I'll ever have that again...'

'I never meant to make you feel being used... I just thought that with all the talks we've had that you and I were clear on that... I never meant to hurt your feelings over this, Ceylan...'

'It's not about me getting hurt over this or that the feelings weren't mutual... It's about not knowing if I'll ever get something back that was once part of my life because it meant the world to me...'

'Even when the feelings weren't mutual...?'

'My feelings for you is what made it so great... And I made you happy in return...'

'Is that what you meant, Ceylan...? When you said you'd try to look for it through the only way you've ever known...? The same things you and I had together...?'

'I did... '

'Is that why you and Blain are doing something similar...? Because I wasn't around...?'

"Oh snap..." Blain seemed a little perplexed the moment Sam said that because Blain wasn't aware that Sam knew I slept with Blain... Nevertheless, he tried his best to keep a straight face and scraped his throat... Sam saw the look on his face and well, she realized what she said but it was too late...

'We did, long before we met you...'

'And no one else...?'

'It's just been the two of you...'

'I see... Uhm, wow, okay... I'm kind of stumped here... I don't know about Blain but my motives totally differed from Ceylan's...'

'Does it really matter which motives we had...? It was consensual nonetheless...'

'Maybe but even if it's all good in good conscious and whatnot, is that what you really want...? Because to me, it's not the kind of affection that I would want... You're giving so much more of yourself to someone than you'll receive...'

'Didn't you do that already the moment you first kissed me...? Didn't you gave yourself to me in more ways than one the moment we first slept together...?'

'Then how do you see it, Ceylan?'

'It was a way for you to explore something you felt the need to and it was a way for me to make it happen to someone I cared for the most...'

'Did that make you happy...?'

'It did, Sam... It really did... It made us both happy and that's all that mattered to me... And I just wish I could have it all back...'

'I still don't understand... What makes it the only way you've ever known...? Where did this come from...?'

'It's been there for a long time... I don't know where it came from... But I know what shaped it...'

'Ceylan...'

'It's okay, Blain... I think Sam needs to know if that helps to explain things better...'

'You sure you wanna do this...?'

'Yeah...'

I've told Blain what happened many years ago but Sam never knew. And even though I wasn't intending on going into details, I knew I had to tell her, seeing as all the cards were on the table and the truth was the only way to keep it all together... Sam just looked at me as it stayed quiet for moment... So I scraped my throat and told her...

'I had a relationship with a woman who was way older than me...'

'... What?'

'Yeah...'

'Wow... Uhm... How did that came to be...?'

'That's not relevant right now... The thing is, I was quite fragile back then... Settling in after I came down from a foreign country was one of the hardest things I've ever had to go through... I missed my parents, my family, I was homesick... Not to mention all the things I've seen happening back home... And while I love Simon and Catherine from the bottom of my heart, I never considered them to be my "new" parents...'

'You've mentioned that...'

'And this woman pretended she was everything I needed... She became a mother figure of some sort and I became attached to her... She took things slowly and I wasn't realizing what was going on... She explained what love meant in her own words and everything I did and said was manipulated by her... She made me do things I wasn't ready for at the time and I can honestly say it fucked up more than I'd like to admit but, uhm... Heh...'

'Holy shit...'

'That lasted for about two years until she got arrested... And just like that, it ended...'

'Did you tell the police?'

'No, I didn't... She got arrested for drug dealing... And for a whole bunch of other charges that were pressed against her... And that's all I'd like to say about it...'

'I see...'

'The thing is, I never got to experience love and sex on my own... I always got told what to say and what to do... And once she was out of the picture, I had to move on with my life.. Except I didn't know how... I had a lot of issues back then and I still do, except it's not as bad as it once used to be... But not everyone knew how to deal with that so they'd rather chose not to... I know it's not supposed to be like that but it's the only thing I've ever known, the only thing that felt familiar... I don't know how else I should find it on my own... Except not everyone thinks about love and sex the way I see it... And those who do, usually aren't looking for a commitment...'

'What about us...? Blain and I...?'

'It's not meaningless to me, if that's what you're asking... I do have feelings for the both of you, except they might be a little different than what you're used to...'

'How would you describe these feelings? When would you consider yourself to be in love with someone?'

'It's hard to say... It can be as simple as just being friends... Knowing when there's someone out there who cares for you as a person rather than an object that can be put aside when it's not needed is enough...'

'So how did that happen with Blain?'

'It just happened... We were just teens and weren't looking much into it. Then he left for two years... But the feelings I had for him slowly returned once he came back... And if these feelings were still there after his two years of absence, they'd never leave... It took quite a while before I managed to bring up the subject and Blain didn't want to at first... There were a lot of misunderstandings at first... We had a considerable amount of time to talk things over, to take away the doubts and insecurities and in the end, well... We just did... And that's why we're always honest towards each other... It's the reason why it works... Which is also the reason why we're being honest to you right now...'

'And does this make you happy...?'

'Yeah... I know its not how its suppose to be... But it's the only thing I've ever known and it makes me feel safe in doing so...'

'You're not doing this out of a false sense of loyalty, are you...? Feeling like you owe it to us or anything...?'

'No... Don't get me wrong though, it's not like I can't enjoy it but to me, it's more on an emotional level rather than physical... And finding someone who could fulfill both is hard to come by...'

'Are there other people you're seeing...?'

'No... I've only done so with you and Blain...'

Samantha stayed quiet after that... She stared ahead in blank space after all of my words started to sink in... Blain averted his eyes from mine the moment I looked at him... I think the both of them were ashamed after hearing me out but Samantha seemed to have the hardest time with that and I can understand... She said she felt guilty to do so in the past, feeling that she'd exploit me only to satisfy her own curiosity but now that she knew the whole story, I had the feeling the guilt she once felt crept up on her once more... She shouldn't feel that way about herself... Because she gave me more than she could ever imagine...

'All this time, I just thought that you and I were just fooling around... That there was no meaning behind it whatsoever... Had I known this, I never would've done so...'

'Why not...?'

'Because I had no intention to make you feel like that...'

'But that's why my feelings for you is what made it so great... It lets me know what I've been missing for all these years... It lets me know how its supposed to feel like and how its supposed to go... So don't feel bad about it, I know I don't feel that way about us and what we had... Because you gave me so much more than you could ever possibly imagine... Perhaps you can't see it right now but hopefully, one day you'll be able to see how much you truly mean to me... And what it meant to have been with you...'

'Heh...'

'I just hope that things will go back the way they were between us... Know that I won't hold it against you if you want otherwise... Because I can understand that it's not something you're after...'

'This is just so much to take in...'

'I know... But now you know the whole story and the reasons behind it...'

'I'm just wondering if it's for the right reasons...'

'It is for me...'

'No, I mean, my own reasons...'

'Why wouldn't it be...?'

'I mean, hearing all this...'

'It's not just about you or me, Sam... It's about us... It's about a decision we both made together on whether or not to let it happen... That was all there to it... Nothing more, nothing less...'

Sam nodded quietly and I placed my hand on hers just to reassure her everything was okay... I smiled at her the moment she faced me and she smiled right back at me... I sighed quietly and closed my eyes, feeling a huge burden coming off my shoulders that I finally told her that's been on my mind the entire day... And looking Sam, I could see that she felt relieved as well... Perhaps kind of embarrassed but it's good that we put all our cards on the table... Considering the two of them were involved with me in the center was awkward from the very beginning... Blain looked at us and chuckled quietly after a long moment of silence to ease the mood between us...

'I can't believe I was right all along.'

'About Ceylan and me?'

'Hehehe... I can't believe you haven't found out sooner...'

'If I did, I would've had sleepless nights.'

'You mean, you'd have something to fap to at night.'

'That too, Ceylan.'

'Haha!'

'So encase anyone is asking for my opinion, I can only encourage "it".'

'... Did you ever pictured me and Ceylan doing it?'

'Is that a serious question??'

'It is.'

'Oh, well, uhm... I'd like to say no but then I'd be lying.'

'Haha, really??'

'Everyone on the planet has ever thought that way about their own friends!'

'How'd you imagine it?'

'What, seriously??'

'Haha! Yes! Just like you said: We're all mature enough to discuss anything.'

'Right... You do know I only act mature whenever I need to, right?'

'Yes, now answer the question.'

'I pictured it more like Mortal Kombat style. You two sparring against each other and when either of you got knocked down, I stood at the sideline yelling "Finish her off!!" and then you'd go at it.'

'Does that include us wearing those skimpy outfits too?'

'Sure, why not. But since I'm being mature about it, we'd skip the fighting part all together.'

'So what you're saying is, is that you'd like to watch.'

'I'm not gonna lie, Sam; if I'd ever see the two of you going at it together, my life would be complete and I can die in peace.'

'Hehehe...'

'Come to think of it, I've never actually saw Ceylan kissing another girl before.'

'Yes, you have. You liar...'

'When?!'

'At Topanga's! With Samira and Evelyn!'

'I can't recall that evening.'

'Haha, you're so full of shit, Blain! You weren't that drunk.'

'The memories I have of that evening are best left to be forgotten. To have walked out on them was fucking embarrassing.'

'Soooo what exactly are you implying?'

'I'm not implying anything, Sam. I merely encourage.'

'Uh-huh... Sounds more like a dare to me.'

'Does it? Either way, you two need to kiss and make up. Don't mind me. Just pretend I'm not here.'

Sam and I looked at each other for a moment and smiled. Looking in her eyes, I could see that she wanted to but she held back... I didn't know what caused it... I think somewhere deep down inside, Sam wanted to do so in front of him, just to see his reaction and laugh at him. And truth was, so did I... But neither of us were making the first move... Sam and I just kept looking at each other and smiling nervously... Perhaps both of us just needed a little push... Sam averted her eyes the moment I faced faced her and her cheeks turned red... But once I placed my hand on her cheek, she kept looking at me for several moments... She would've stopped me if she didn't want to... Staring in her eyes, her luscious green eyes stared right back at me... And when she smiled at me once more, our heads moved closer... Pressing our lips against each other, I closed my eyes and felt her tongue rolling over mine... And just like that, the butterflies were going through my stomach as I felt myself drifting away... Memories rushing by of how things used to be... It was amazing... It's been so long since I've kissed her... But to have kissed her that evening made it all come back, as if it never left... We were making out for a while but once we stopped, Sam looked at me for a moment with a huge smile on her face, only to avert her eyes again as her cheeks turned even redder... And like Blain said, we pretended he wasn't there... But knowing that he was watching was kind of interesting... I've never actually kissed someone in front of people but his reaction was priceless... It took a moment for us to recover but once we saw his face, we burst out laughing at him... He was just gawping at us with big eyes and they were practically popping out of their sockets...

'... Holy fuck. You actually did.'

'How was that?'

'That was probably the hottest thing I'll ever get to witness in my entire life. I didn't expect you to go through with that! That was awesome!'

'Hehehe...'

'This certainly has been an interesting turn of events.'

'Quite...'

'I'll just try to compose myself... Anyway, we're all good now, right? No more subliminal conflicts between the two of you and pretending all is well? Did you both told each other everything you wanted to tell?'

'I have, yeah...'

'Ceylan?'

'Me too...'

'Alright...'

'It's not very common for you to be the voice of reason, Blain.'

'No but I will if I have to. You guys are all I have left and I won't let anything get in between our friendship. Even when you yourselves are the ones standing in the way of it.'

'True...'

'Life is too short to not express your thoughts and feelings to those you love and cherish. That's what my grandma used to say whenever I was bickering with my cousins.'

'Hehe...'

'So yeah, I can be mature, simply because sometimes I just need to be, even if that means I'm the only one.'

'It's good that you are sometimes...'

'Yup... So I suppose I'll just save this for another time then, when we're all feeling a little less mature than we do this evening...'

Blain revealed a joint from his pocket and showed it to us for a moment, only to put it back in. I looked at Sam and felt glad to have spoken up my mind about it... I was intending to anyway but lets face it; it probably would've turned out very differently if it was just Sam and me talking... And even though I felt embarrassed, it felt good to know that Sam and Blain knew I was intimate with the both of them... It just meant less secrets for me to keep track off... To me, it meant no more lies, no more distortion of words that have been said or could've led to misinterpretations... And of course it's very personal and something we weren't eager to talk about... But the most important thing was that we were able to and that no one would judge one another for having those... It's because the three of us realized that we all have our own needs and desires... Reasons for doing so may differ but in the end, all three of us were looking for the same thing... No one could blame us for feeling that way... Especially not each other...