A driving need
#7 of The World Beyond
Alrighty, I am back in action at last. This is the first of two chapters for this series I am submitting today, so look out for the other one.
Continued from 'Friendship Reinforced...'
My eyes opened slowly, letting in the darkness of my room. The ceiling wasn't the odd, rough texture of the dorm room's ceiling. It was smooth, white painted and bare save for the light fixture. I was in my room at home once more, sandwiched between an electric mattress liner and warm blankets of fleece. Outside my window, blizzards had covered the world and everything in it in white, but I couldn't see it. I had covered the windows with a black sheet, keeping out the light far better than the blinds had. It made waking up much more pleasant, because, when the room was wholly dark like this, I could imagine that I was in my paradise, with my lovers, not here in the real world. It was one of the only things that I had to stop myself from feeling down with of late. Here I was, with four weeks of blessed freedom to have as much fun as I desired, and I was stuck here in the real world. My family had insisted that I come home for the holidays, so I was stuck here until New Years. Of course, that wasn't the only reason I preferred the room dark. A moment later, my train of thought was derailed by my door opening, bringing a stream of brilliant light into my dark sanctuary, the voice of my mother accompanying the illuminating beam in disturbing my rest.
"Dear, are you up yet?" She asked. My response was to groan and turn over, putting my pillow over my head in an attempt to return to the shadows. "Everyone else is in the living room. We are waiting on you."
"Okay. I'll be there in a minute." I replied, reluctantly dragging myself from the warm, fuzzy pocket I was curled up in as the door shut behind my mother. The fleece blankets and the warmth brought on by the electric liner reminded me of cuddling up with my furry lovers. It was an extremely poor substitute of course, but it was as close as I could get in the real world, close enough to allow me to sleep at least. But, as I sat on the edge of the bed, trying to find the will in my heart to remain up and about, I yawned tiredly. Even though I could eventually get to sleep in this bed, it usually took hours and hours of lying still to finally nod off, and that was from sheer boredom rather than comfort, especially since it had been here, in this house, that I had first been to my paradise. But even when I finally did fall asleep, my sleep was restless, the dreams that came always of the wonderful world beyond my mirror. Was it any wonder that I longed with all my heart to go there? It had been almost three weeks since I last had been able to slip through the mirror into the warmth and wonderful companions, since studying for finals had been more important than enjoying myself at the time. And after finals, when I should have been able to make up for all the sleepless nights caused by the stress of exams, I couldn't sleep more than a few hours, and what sleep I did get was worth very little, leaving me nearly as tired as I had been before I had slept. This was the longest I had ever been away from my paradise since I had discovered it, and it was tearing me apart.
And, to make matters worse, for the first time in my life, all the stress that finals caused had not abated with their conclusion. In fact, it had gotten worse, another kind of stress had been added to it. It was something I had never experienced before, not even when my ex-girlfriend had betrayed me; the incident which had inadvertently been the cause of my discovering my paradise in the first place. It felt as if there was no one else in the world except for me, a feeling of loneliness so profound that now I felt isolated and alone even in the middle of a crowded room. I wanted to go to my world so badly now that when I woke from the dreams about it, I would often lie for a while, crying in silence, unable to bear seeing images of what I desired and not being able to be there.
Finally, after a few minutes of emotional wrangling, I summoned the will necessary to get up, a cold chill washing over me as I rose to my feet. Hearing my mother's footsteps return to my door, I quickly slipped into a bathrobe and tied it closed, shaking my head to clear it of the images sleep had left behind. It certainly didn't help that it was Christmas morning today and for the first time in my life, I wasn't looking forward to it. I already had the only gift I wanted anymore and it was killing me not being able to enjoy it. All I wanted to do was go to my paradise, and that also made me feel ashamed. This was a day when the whole family was together, and I had always appreciated being with them. With my siblings off working or at college all the time, it was rare to have them all in the same place. I should have appreciated it this year too, even more because we were supposed to go visit my grandparents for a few days after we had opened presents. But all I wanted this year was to run away, to go into my paradise and spend the entire break in the company of my furry companions.
And that unrelenting desire was the problem. It hadn't taken me long to realize that I was exhibiting all the classic signs of withdrawal over the last few weeks. But my addiction wasn't to a drug, it was to a place. I needed to go there, hungered for the chance to be there. And when I was away from it, I felt cold, depressed and lonely. And all the time I spent in the real world, even when I had just come back from a long stint in my paradise, I felt restless. Nothing seemed to be able to relieve the tension I felt. But what was worst of all of this, was that something was changing in me, something that I hadn't even noticed until recently. And that brought up a whole other worrisome issue. Shaking my head to clear it once more, I walked out from my darkened room, squinting at the bright light streaming in from the hall. My dad happened to be passing at the moment and he grinned at my rumpled expression.
"Hey, Squinty." He said. "Finally decided to join the land of the living eh?"
I murmured a vague reply on my way to the bathroom and then shut the door behind me, flipping the bright lights off. It was still a bit too bright for my current state, even though the room was lit solely by the reflection off the snow outside the window. Still, it wouldn't do me any good, even if it were totally dark; I could still see my reflection. Instead of the human I was, as always, Ronan, my wolfish lover, stood there, grinning broadly at me. I shook my head, trying to resist the urge to look up. And, as always, I failed. I couldn't help it, I looked at him. He beckoned to me, holding out his hand invitingly towards the mirror's surface. I wanted to nod, to press my hand to the glass and be pulled through. I wanted it so badly it hurt. But reluctantly, I shook my head, turning away from the knowledge of just how close the thing I wanted most was. Instead of looking at the mirror a moment longer, I started the tap flowing into the sink, the water growing warmer by the moment. I let the water heat up a bit, then splashed my face, smoothing down my ruffled hair, the heat of the water washing the last remnants of my dreams away. Then, with my hair still dripping into my bathrobe, I walked back out of the bathroom and headed down the hall towards the living room, once again putting on my mask. To the outside world, I had to appear to be normal, happy and well adjusted, despite the fact that inside I was so filled with conflicting emotions, I was close to bursting.
Coming around the corner into the living room, I realized just how late it was. Judging by how different the room looked from the night before, I had indeed slept in much longer than the rest of the family. All the presents were no longer under the tree, but divided up by each chair or couch cushion by who they were addressed to. I took my place on the couch between my two siblings and made a show of being appreciative as we took turns opening packages. I got some new books, a new game for my Xbox, some clothes (an inevitable item from relatives that
lacked imagination), and some other odds and ends. I acted duly happy and grateful with every one of them, but as the rest of my family spouted an unending string of phrases of enjoyment or surprise, my smile began to fade. I couldn't help it. No matter how guilty it made me feel, I didn't want to be here. I wanted to be in the eternal warmth of my paradise, in the company of my furry friends, and I was ashamed for wanting it, both feelings killing the brief happiness that this moment had brought. I soon lost all interest in the proceedings, my eyes taking on a distant look as I once again longed for the comforts of my paradise beyond the mirror.
There was little doubt that Scott was already there, enjoying his own growing group of furs. Soon after that first weekend he had joined my world, I had worked with him in private, willing into being his own perfect home, just over the horizon from my own, so he and his companions could enjoy themselves as they desired. We visited each other in that world whenever the fancy struck us, the meetings sometimes taking the form of massive football games between our companions in the fields between our houses.
But thinking of my friend brought to mind the other problem, the one I had avoided thinking of earlier. Since that weekend when I had created his home for him, he had taken to spending every moment he could there. I barely even saw him outside of class anymore. When he would finish his day at school, he would hurry home, finish whatever homework needed doing for the next day as fast as he could, and then disappear into the mirror, only returning long enough to start the whole process over again the next day. I didn't mind that per say, since it didn't interfere with my own enjoyment of the paradise. But I was starting to wonder if that was really a healthy thing to do, considering how addicted I already was, and I wasn't going nearly as often as he was.
"Dear, are you alright?" My mom asked, shattering my thought process. I looked around, startled, to find that my siblings had already left the living room, and both my parents were looking at me, concern on their faces.
"Hmmm?" I asked, immediately realizing I had missed something of import. "What?"
"It's time to go get ready." She said, getting up and coming over to put a hand to my forehead. "You feel warm, are you feeling okay?"
"You know, I didn't want to say it, but you have been looking a little pale recently son." My father said, sipping at his cup of coffee. "Are you sick?"
"I guess I am just tired. Finals stress, you know." I heard myself saying, though I hadn't planned to say anything of the sort. "There has been something going around campus though."
"You know, maybe we should just stay home and let you rest." My mom suggested. A bright spark of hope suddenly flared in my heart, almost making me lose my composure. This could be my chance. But as I opened my mouth to say that I thought it would be a good idea, I felt myself shake my head, and wholly different words came out of me than those I had planned.
"I don't want to be a bother..." I heard my voice say. "I know how much you like seeing grandma and grandpa."
"If you aren't feeling well, then I will just have to go again next year." She continued.
"No, you go ahead and go." My voice said, my head shaking once more. It seemed that my body was living a life of its own without my guidance, a disconcerting sensation to say the least. "I can stay here and rest and you can see your parents. It's best for both of us."
"Are you sure?" She asked, wavering. I nodded.
"I will be fine here." I replied, my mouth running away with itself once more. "I will probably just go back to bed."
"Well if you're sure." She said, rising to her feet. I nodded and collected my loot, taking it back to my room. Once inside, I discarded my robe and slid into the warm pocket of my bed once more, nestling in as comfortably as I could, as if I were going to go to sleep. I waited, listening to the familiar sounds of my family packing for the short road trip to our grandparents' house. I heard my siblings and my parents walk by my room on the way to the garage, counting the trips. One each as they brought their bags to the car, then another as they came back for forgotten items, then a few more as they made sure they hadn't forgotten anything else. And finally, right on cue, my mom opened my door. "Are you sure you will be alright?" I nodded, feigning a yawn. "Alright then, see you on New Year's day."
"Bye. Say hi to grandma and grandpa for me." I said, nestling down deeper into the covers. I heard my mother nod, then shut the door. Then I lay still, listening for the distant sounds of the garage door opening, and the sound of my dad's SUV as it plowed through the powder that had accumulated on the driveway since the last time we had shoveled. Then I counted the seconds, not moving, and again, right when I predicted, the engine sound came back and the door to the garage banged open once more as someone (probably my sister, judging by the stride) hurried back inside for the one thing they forgot and couldn't live without. Then I waited, counting the moments once more as silence descended on the house. Every moment I spent waiting was horrible, an eternity of agony, knowing that relief was so close. And then, finally when I was sure my family wasn't coming back today, an agonizing five minutes later, I swiftly crawled from my bed once more, a feeling akin to panic rising in me. I hurried to the
bathroom as fast as I could, pausing only long enough to discard my underwear. I wouldn't need them where I was going.
My emotions had twisted up my insides like a spring wound tight, so tight that I felt like I could feel something breaking. And, when I finally got to the bathroom, Ronan stood there in the mirror, again beckoning to me. But this time, I grinned eagerly, my legs weak and shaking with anticipation. Finally, after all this time of longing, I nodded and pressed my hand to the smooth surface of the mirror. Ronan's smile widened and he winked once more. As with the first time I had been to my world, all those months ago, the glass rippled as my reflection reached his hand through it, grabbing my wrist in his powerful grip. We paused like that for a few seconds, and then the moment came.
A second later, I was pulled through the rippling glass, and out into the empty void beyond it. The loneliness I had felt since my enforced absence had begun was suddenly made all the worse for a few moments as the emptiness of the void swirled around me. Every bad feeling I had had, every horrible emotion, was suddenly sharpened, made all the worse in that cold void. And then I was through, my wolfish reflection catching me easily as I stumbled to a halt. The moment I felt the warmth of my world, I pressed against him, his fur so soft and warm against my flesh. Smiling gently, Ronan put his arms around me, holding me as I stood against him. I embraced the towering wolf in return, nestling my face into his fur, breathing in his inescapable, comforting scent, holding him tightly, refusing to let go. Relief and happiness rose within me, mixing with the loneliness and sorrow, the roiling conflict of emotions driving me past breaking point. I felt as I was being pulled in about ten different directions at once. I couldn't hold it back any longer. It was too much for me to bear.
Tears began streaming down my face, tears that I cried without knowing what I was feeling anymore. Ronan didn't say a word, didn't even make a sound. Instead, he simply held me to him, laying his head on mine. I felt relieved beyond measure, happy and comfortable for the first time in weeks, and yet, still guilty for enjoying being away from my family. All the tangled emotions that had built up within me came pouring out like a wave, obliterating my thinking mind. The feel of my lover's body against me, his arms holding me, was so overwhelmingly right and good that I didn't want to ever release him, to ever be apart from him again.
I felt Ronan's arms slowly slip lower down on my body, and then, I was being lifted into his arms. As easily as if I weighed nothing at all, my wolf carried me out of the mirror room as I huddled closer to his chest, putting my arms around his neck, tears still streaming down my face, wanting nothing more than his embrace at the moment. I was so mixed up inside that I was barely even conscious of the fact that he had carried me into the bedroom, laying me gently on the silken sheets. And then, he crawled into the bed beside me, allowing me to huddle close to his chest once more, before drawing the sheet up over us. With tears still streaming down my face, he drew me closer to him, gently stroking my back with one hand while I cried uncontrollably. I closed my eyes against the torrent of suddenly released emotion, lost within myself. I couldn't move, couldn't talk, couldn't even think. All I could do was lay there in the wolf's comforting embrace. It might have been hours that we lay together or even days, but gradually, as my emotions flowed out of me in a rush, I became aware that we were no longer alone in the room. Another furry body was curled up against me from behind, soft limbs twined around me, even softer breath on my neck. For a brief moment, I wondered who it was, but moments later, the scent of ginger worked its way into my nose, telling me all I needed to know.
I smiled a little, tears still streaming down my cheeks and I lay my head back down, lying still for a long time in their embrace, every breath filled with the familiar mix of scents. And finally, after that oddly comfortable eternity, my tears dried up, my emotions finally spent and I finally lay in silence, nestled in the embrace of my lovers. We lay together for what seemed like a long time, but it might only have been a few minutes, only our quiet breathing to be heard between us. But finally, I roused myself enough to speak, my words coming out as a quiet whisper from within the fur of my wolf.
"Thank you." I whispered, my eyes still closed, still held tightly from both sides, their loving embrace more meaningful than anything I had ever experienced. I felt Ronan nod in acknowledgement, but he did not speak; it wasn't needed. All the loneliness, all the cold depression had now flowed out of me, leaving me feeling empty, as if every tear had been concentrated emotion. In its wake, I felt only an odd exhaustion, the drain of my emotions having left me with nothing but the incredible lack of strength that not sleeping well had caused. I yawned sleepily, a warm drowsiness descending in my mind, settling in like a blanket.
The bright day outside the walls of the house was suddenly cut off as shutters were drawn over the windows, my home responding to my unspoken desire. The fog of sleep drifted in and began to settle on my mind and in that darkness, I cuddled up even closer to Ronan's body, nestling closer into his embrace. I felt my tiger lover press closer to my back at the same time, the sensation of their soft fur pressing against me almost making me nod off completely. For a while, I simply lay, drifting in the darkness, listening to my companions' quiet breathing, feeling their hearts beating against me. My body seemed already to be asleep, growing more and more still, though my mind was still awake, stubbornly clinging to consciousness despite the exhaustion, as if it were waiting for something of vital import. A few moments later, I realized what it was. It wasn't waiting for something to happen, it was waiting for me to say something, something I had never yet said, but something that I had always felt.
"I love you." I whispered, my voice barely audible. "All of you."
"We love you too." Keira whispered in reply from behind my head. "Sleep now, love. When you wake, we will still be here." I smiled in quiet happiness and my mind let go of its grip on consciousness. And finally, content at last, I slept...