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A Troubled Mind,

Chapter One - In Search of Answers -

1. Cederwyn Whitefurr

3rd September, 2017

All Rights Reserved.

White light, blinding, dazzling the glacier blue eyes with a searing intensity, before a voice, at first faint, then becoming louder, made the artic fox/kangaroo doe's ears flick instinctively, as Katy felt she was waking from a nightmare...

“Katy..." Come a disembodied voice. “Katy, its Doctor Kendra, can you hear me?"

Katy blinked again, then squeezed her eyes tightly closed, tears slipping down her cheeks, before she answered in a weak, drug-slurred moan. “Yes..."

“It's Doctor Kendra..." Spoke the voice again, then a warm hand rested on Katy's shoulder, and Katy flinched, before she felt the firm restraints, struggling against them as her senses reeled and she shook her head, trying to clear it of the fog.

“Why am I - “ Katy murmured, as she tried to lift her black gloved paws, finding them restrained as well.

“It is for your own protection - “ Dr. Kendra replied clinically. “You're safe, you're in a hospital, just relax, you're suffering from the lingering mild sedative, it's effects will pass soon."

Shaking her head weakly, Katy blinked her glacier blue eyes, then she shuddered and again, tried to lift her paws up off the bed, but they only gave a few inches before the straps held them firm.

“Are...the restraints - “ Katy mumbled.

“I'm afraid so," Dr. Kendra replied. “When you were brought in, you were quite agitated and violent, now, just relax...deep breaths, that's right...nice, slow breaths..."

Katy shivered, then frowned, her mind still clouded by the haze of whatever they had injected her with, but there was something calming in the humans voice, that soon Katy was restful, her eyes closed and furred chest rising and falling, completely not realising she was being hypnotised and put into a deep, restful state just from the words of the Psychiatrist who picked up a tape recorder and clicked the record button.

Quietly, Dr. Kendra placed the recorder down then rose and placed a hand lightly on Katy's shoulder.

“Do you hear me?" Dr. Kendra spoke, her voice quiet and gentle.

“Yes..." Katy answered, as she sighed and settled deeper into the trance-like state.

“Your name is Doctor Katy Blacktail," Dr. Kendra began. “You're safe, now, let your mind drift, you're safe, nobody will hurt you. Now...what do you remember?

Katy frowned slightly, before her body trembled and her eyelids fluttered.

“I...we had an emergency at..." Katy began, then as she started to show signs of stress, Dr. Kendra held up a hand, stopping the orderly who stood in the shadows, armed with a sedative.

“Doctor Blacktail, you're alright, you're safe – go back to your calm, it's alright, nobody will harm you, now...nice, slow breaths..."

Katy's trembles slowly eased, before she returned to a passive state, and Dr. Kendra wrote something on the clipboard, then put it down and placed a hand lightly on Katy's shoulder in a comforting gesture, feeling the tense muscles slowly relaxing.

“Now, in your own time...do you remember anything? Anything at all...remember, you're safe, you're in hospital, nobody will hurt you..just...cast your mind back..."

“I...remember..." Katy began, then shuddered from ears to toes.

*

Katy's ear flicked, as her gloved black furred paws reached out and she took the instrument that was handed to her, as a human gloved hand wiped a sponge over the artic Fox/Kangaroo's forehead, wiping away the sweat. Glacier blue eyes squinted, as the darkly shadowed eyelids closed in concentration as Katy swore under her breath, then an ear flicked as she heard the sound she had been dreading.

"Don't you dare..." Katy snarled, her masked muzzle hiding the fact her dewlaps curled back in anger.

"Losing pulse..." Come a voice to her right. "I got no pulse, respiratory - "

Katy stamped a long slender foot-paw against the surgery floor, as she glanced at the clock and back into the open chest of the young Kangaroo that lay on the operating table.

"I'm not losing you again..." Katy screamed, as she began shaking, tears running down her muzzle and being soaked up by the mask she wore.

"Doctor - " Inquired the Nurse, as she looked at the obviously stressed Hybrid who began shaking with her emotions overwhelming her. "You did all you could – she – she never had a chance - "

"Shut up!" Katy snarled, her voice breaking and becoming an almost feral snarl of rage, pain and grief.

"Nothing - " Spoke the Anaesthesia Nurse. "No pulse, respiratory response nil..."

"SHUT UP!" Katy shrieked, as she plunged her gloved paws into the chest of the Kangaroo, then began palpitating the heart between her gloved paws. "God damn you Jess, I'm not loosing you again..."

As a hand lightly touched Katy's shoulder, she spun with frightening speed and her claws punched through the latex glove, curved and locked, her animal instinct to fight overwhelming her. With a shriek the human Nursse staggered back, then another Doctor rushed into the theatre and two large humans followed – gripping Katy around the waist and upper body, then pulling her away from the surgery table as Katy snarled in feral fear, her eyes blazing with a look of murderous intent.

All of them were shocked, as usually Doctor Katy was calm, polite and sweet natured – but this sudden emergency had – broken her mind – and as Katy snarled and struggled against the two men who held her writhing white robed body – a hypodermic was pressed against her neck and Katy bucked wildly, before her whole body shuddered and she would have slithered to the ground, if she hadn't been held.

"What the fuck was that?" Asked the bewildered Anaesthetist.

"I've...Nurse Helen, are you alright? Did she - " Asked the Doctor who had administed the powerful sedative.

Helen swallowed and looked white as her theatre robe, as she swallowed. "I've never – seen­ - that side of Doctor Blacktail..."

"Are you sure you're okay – Doctor Blacktail – well – she wasn't herself and..."

Helen peeled her gloves off, then shuddered and nodded. "I – need a moment..."

Walking out of the theatre, Helen paused outside in the scrub room, as the last moments ran through her mind, leaving her shaken and frightened. She heard them bring a stretcher in, then the unconscious body of the robed Arctic Fox/Eastern Kangaroo Doe was carried into the room where recuperating animals were kept, and she was placed on a cot which had been brought in. Doctor Brown come back, then he sat down beside Helen and lightly placed a hand on her shoulder.

"You sure you're okay Helen? That...that would have been quite a shock for anyone – what was it Doctor Blacktail was screaming? All I heard was – well – it sounded more like an enraged kangaroo, rather than the Doctor we know..."

"Those...growls - " Helen began, as her mind reeled. "Her – her reaction, it literally was – feral, almost - "

"Instinctual..." Sighed Dr. Brown, as he nodded. "Their kind have been civilised for hundreds of thousands of years...yet I believe – somewhere in their minds – they retain their feral instinct...now, please, its important – what did she say, before her psychotic break?"

“You think she - “ Helen asked, her eyes widening in fear. “Doctor Blacktail...."

“It is my assumption, based on my own first hand evidence – would you disagree? Something – snapped, for lack of a better description. I don't know what triggered it, I just – don't know...anything, a gesture, a word..."

Helen thought, still shaken by the violence and closeness of her escape. “Doctor Blacktail – she – she said..."

“Yes?" Asked Dr. Brown, leaning forwards and putting his hands on his knees.

“She – Dr. Blacktail – she said...a name..Jess...does it mean anything..."

Dr. Brown's face drained of blood, before he could bring himself under control, then he stood and smoothed down his lab coat and placed a comforting hand on Helen. “Helen? If you need anything – anything – after what happened in there, you come see me, okay? I know some – specialists – human and anthropomorphic, we'll get Doctor Blacktail the best of help – and you, if you need someone to talk too, you call me, any time of day or night!"

“Did...did you have too - “ Helen began, then her voice cracked and the first tears began to well in her eyes. “Doctor Brown, .that needle you - “

“A sedative, a very fast acting sedative, nothing harmful – I felt it – appropriate..." Dr. Brown replied, as he picked up a phone and began dialling the emergency paramedics. “I think this is serious – we need expert help here.."

*

Katy shrieked, and her claws tore through the thick mattress on which she lay, making Doctor Kelen startle, before she whispered something and Katy's violent outburst stopped and she went limp, trembling.

“Doctor Blacktail...it's alright, nice, deep breaths...there you go.." Dr. Kelen whispered, as she calmly caressed Katy's forehead. “You're safe, you're not going to be harmed, nice, slow breaths, find that calm centre..."

“I...couldn't save her - “ Katy wept, as the repressed emotions overcome her and she wept like a frightened Joey.

“Who, Dr. Blacktail? Was it the kangaroo you were operating on? Or is it something deeper, something – that the death of that kangaroo brought back?" Dr. Kelen asked in a quiet, calm voice, as she sat down then leaned in closer, once again waving away the orderly. “"I have interviewed your co-workers, they said you mentioned a name -"

Katy shuddered and squeezed her eyes tightly closed, her claws gripping the mattress as the tears began to be squeezed from the corner of her eyes. “Please..."

“I know this must be hard Dr. Blacktail, but you were – according to witnesses – irrational, almost, if I can be indelicate...feral. Something triggered a deeply buried memory, and incited your feral-like rage and fear. I do not mean to hurt you, but I can not begin to help you, if I don't ask questions..who was..."

Katy sobbed, great heart-wrenching wails, as the emotion, grief and heartache opened like a dam wall giving way.

“Jess...was my daughter - “ Katy wept, the fight draining from her, as the grief and sadness flooded her mind. “I – I couldn't save her life and...I was the only Veterinarian nearby, I tried..."

With a sharp inhalation of breath, Kelen leaned back, her eyes widening, before her professional detachment took her and she nodded gravely.

“Your people – do not get seen by human Doctor's, do you - “ Dr. Kendra asked, knowing full well this was true, but wanting to get Katy to tell in her own words and way.

“No..." Katy sniffled, then her anger began to rise, as the grief turned inward and become an almost white hot flame within her.

“Dr. Blacktail – please – calm yourself, go to that safe place..." Dr. Kendra spoke quietly, but with steel in her voice.

“Fuck your safe place!" Katy snarled, her dewlaps curling back and her voice changing to a predatory, feral snarl, her claws on her fingertips curling and gouging at the mattress as she struggled against the mattress on which she lay restrained.

“Doctor Blacktail!" Dr. Kendra snapped, then struck Katy sharply across the muzzle, rocking her head to the side.

Almost like a switch was thrown, Katy blinked and the complete switch of her personality was like someone completely different reappeared.

“I...don't think I needed that..." Katy sobbed.

“I'm sorry Doctor, that was – unforgivable – and unprofessional of me. Yet – that – other – personality, it was savage, uncouth, quite potentially violent – certainly classic symptoms of a memory you have repressed and your, if I may be indelicate, your primitive, feral sub-mind – driven by instinct and stimuli, with little rational thought, it seems to be tied to the memory. In cases of extreme trauma, such as this, this is not uncommon." Dr. Kendra sighed, then stood and began pacing. “We need to explore this – memory. I do not wish to cause you harm, you do understand – but unless we excise the memory and explore it together and have you face it, then deal with the feelings – you will never be rid of this – repressed feral nature. It would pose a risk to you, and others – you would be disbarred from practising veterinary medicine – and everything I have read and heard, you are an excellent Veterinarian, and would be a terrible loss to lose your invaluable skills and knowledge."

Katy sniffled, then nodded slowly, turning her head to look imploringly at Dr. Kendra, then lifted her wrists, showing the restraints.

“I'm sorry, I can not remove those yet, it's for your own safety, and my own, I do hope you understand...now, what did you mean you could not save your daughter?"

Katy visibly trembled, her fingers starting to contract, but with a superior strength of will, she fought the fear, anger and feral-like instincts, whilst Dr. Kendra watched, mentally noting the physical and no doubt, psychological fight, that tried to overwhelm this enigmatic hybrid.

“I couldn't save her...I was young, barely trained..." Katy began, as the tears began to roll down her cheeks as she begun her painful recollection."

“In your own time - “ Dr. Kendra whispered, then sympathetically placed a hand on Katy's shoulder.

Katy sniffled, then shuddered from ears down to her tail tip, as the tears become a flood, and the raw, unfettered emotion and memory boiled up within her, and she told the human Psychiatrist – what had happened that late, spring day...

To Be Continued...