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When she emerged from the Jarl's bedroom, Slutcat's face was stone.

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"Hi Slutcat! Did you have a nice night?" Sworddog asked.

"Oh. Hi Sworddog. Yes, I slept well. Have you seen the Jarl?"

"No. He left not long after you two..."

"Did nothing," Slutcat finished for her.

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Sworddog decided this might not be the best time for chit-chat and just followed Slutcat back to the big Throne room where Proventus was waiting.

"No, the Jarl had business out in the city today and is not expected back for a few hours. He did offer you the invitation to stay over another night however," he informed her.

She shook her head as her and Sworddog walked away from the throne.

"Someone's got it in for me Sworddog. I'm giving up on men for a while. This universe is obviously not going to let me fuck."

"Maybe that's for the best. For now." Sworddog said quietly.

"Hello!" said a new voice as they approached the exit. "I'm Lydia, your Housecarl! You are Slutcat, and you are her companion Sworddog, am I correct?"

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"Oh yeah. The Jarl said something about you. What's a Housecarl anyway?"

"I am your bodyguard and assistant. As Thane of Whiterun, I am sworn to give my life to your service."

The khajiit's face began to smile for the first time this day.

"Tell me, Lydia. Do you want to die?"

"My lord?" Lydia said, confused.

"You won't last two days in that armor. You obviously don't know about the reverse proportionality rule. RPR for short."

"What's wrong with my armor? I've saved for years to outfit myself in this!"

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"Lydia, you aren't going to believe me if I explain the reverse proportionality rule to you right now. You're just going to have to trust me on this. But don't worry, I saw a little store as we were coming in and I'm sure with a little editing, we can get armor that will do you much more good than that!"

"I'm afraid I don't have a lot of coin, Slutcat. Honestly I just spent all I had to buy this when I found out I was to be the Dragonborn's personal Housecarl!"

"Oh, don't worry about that. I picked up some dragon bones and scales the other day. They should bring plenty in trade. We're a team now, right? But you're on Team Slutcat, and you're going to need to dress appropriately."

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They arrived at Belethor's General Goods store.

"Here!? But there's Warmaidens for armor by the city gate. And then there's the Companion's blacksmith too."

"Oh, I'm sure they do great metal work," Slutcat agreed, stopping by the shop's door. "But they won't have the sort of thing we need. In my experience these little shopkeepers always have a back room, where they keep the good stuff. Now you just let me do the talking. We'll have you properly outfitted to be my Housecarl in just a few minutes. Now let's do what frustrated girls have been doing all through the centuries... Let's go SHOPPING!"

"Shopping?"

"Certainly! Oh, by the way... do you shave?" Slutcat asked Lydia who raised an eyebrow.

"Shave what?" she asked, curiously.

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"Belethor, darling..." Slutcat crooned as she draped herself across his counter. "My name is Slutcat and apparently I'm also known as the Dragonborn now. I also happen to have been selected by the Jarl last night as Thane of Whiterun. As such, I seem to have certain... privileges around here. Do you get me?"

Belethor looked worried. "I have heard of you, Slutcat. But Thane, I run a meager little business here! I can't just let you have everything you want for free!"

Slutcat laughed and shook her head, "Oh, you misunderstand me good shopkeeper! I will pay and pay handsomely for what you will sell me. But what you will sell me is nothing I see here."

"Nothing... what? What do you mean?"

"Show us the Back Room..."

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Technically when Lydia emerged from the store she was not precisely naked, though some might argue the point. She had proper paldrons, thigh boots, and her shield. But it took Slutcat some persuasion to get her to emerge from the shadows at the door.

"Slutcat, I... You surely don't expect me to..." Lydia said, her eyes begging.

"Yes, that's much better. Now we're a team! Though I still say you would be safer without even the strappy thing."

"Please, reverse proportionality rule or no, I needed something covering my delicates!"

"The transparent bikini would have...."

"Slutcat, I don't think you quite understand the concept of modesty. A transparent bikini would have covered more skin, but is was transparent so it would be rather pointless! As it is I'm all but naked anyway."

"Nonsense. You just wait and see. I promise you not a single weapon will touch you! Well, except for arrows and magic. See if I'm not right."

"But what will people say?"

Slutcat shrugged, then noticed a nearby guard that was staring at them through his helmet.

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"Let's find out! Come over here. Good Sir Guard, we need your opinion. What do you think of Lydia's new armor?" Slutcat asked.

The sounds that emerged from the helmet were not exactly intelligible.

"Oh, Lydia. Now stop that," Slutcat said, seeing her Housecarl was attempting to cover herself. "How can he properly judge if he can't see the whole outfit? There, that's better! Now, Mr. Guardsman. What do you think? Be honest."

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"So it's on to High Hrothgar then!" Lydia said happily as they left Whiterun (and everyone that she would be embarrassed to meet) behind.

"Yup! Ever been there? Do you know where it is?" Slutcat asked.

"I've never actually been there, but everyone knows where it is. See that huge mountain up there? It's on top of that. When you live around here, the Throat of the World kind of hangs over you all the time. But it will take a full day just to get to Ivarstead, which is where the Steps begin. But really, about this 'RPR'... Does it really work or is it just a way to distract your attacker?"

"Oh, it really works! That's not to say it doesn't distract of course. And it may also be that when your most intimate parts are exposed to an enemy you protect the hell out of them instinctively. Or it could simply be the laws of this universe. But it doesn't matter why - the result is the same!"

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"I'll give it a try. You were right about one thing. I am getting used to it. Even though this butt floss makes me feel like I need to stop every 10 minutes to relieve myself. But I still say that Guard wasn't a very accurate way to judge."

"Hey, he may not have been much at speechcraft, but that erection was pretty unmistakable. Surely that should indicate approval?"

"I suppose so. Of a sort anyway. But the stain was kind of disgusting."

"Just think of it as your own special kind of magic. Disgusting or no, didn't I detect a little pride there when we left?"

"Maybe just a little. There is something empowering about reducing a man to a puddle so easily I have to admit."

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