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Five days went by and life went back to normal. Just as he'd promised, Colton wasn't attending classes anymore.

On Wednesday I decided to run past the skate park. He wasn't there. Nobody was.

On Thursday I reluctantly texted Courtney just to ease my mind, because I imagined Colton had either done something even more stupid than steal a car or skipped town completely.

Don't worry, he's not missing. He's here. He's barely coming out of his room and won't talk to anyone. Tonight I'm not giving him a choice. We've got to work this out. Stand by.

I typed Don't bother on my account and then decided I was being presumptive. She was probably just talking about the two of them. I didn't reply at all. After Friday's swim training I decided just to spend the evening listening to music.

Devin had been furious. I told him the truth and it took him an hour to stop being mad me and turn all his rage on Courtney. He called up all the band with me listening and quit and when he got to Sam he cursed him out and then told him I'd already said I'd replace him. I hadn't. Then he'd stormed out of my house before Mum could ask him what all the shouting was. Then I told her about it too and felt stupid, even though she believed I hadn't been involved.

'Now might not be the right time, Todd,' she said. 'But you actually are a good singer. I like your voice more than Devin's and it's not just because I'm your mum.'

'Thanks,' I said. 'But I'd rather still have my friend than be a better singer. I'm going to bed. Can I not have dinner? I don't think I'm feeling all that great.'

'Rubbish,' my mother said. 'Brighten up, walking about with that cloud over your head won't help. And after the training you did tonight it's not good for you to go to bed hungry. What's your weight at the moment? You're looking far too thin. Come with me, we're going to weigh you right now.' There was no resisting her when she was like this, adult or not. I was starting to get ideas about asking Alfie if I could move in already and get right on the other side of town. 'Todd Aldrington you are not taking care of your health,' she said when she saw the scales. 'That's two pounds underweight at least. You are certainly not missing dinner.'

She served me a bigger portion of burger and chips and made sure the whole family knew why.

'Girl trouble?' Rocco said. 'Courtney said you were too fat on your prom night?'

He knew I didn't find it funny when I didn't even bother answering. 'What's for dessert? Oh yay, its peaches again.'

'We'll have none of that attitude, young man,' my mother said. 'And no. It's banana and honey sponge with golden syrup and custard. And you're eating it.'

If I'd told her how much I liked promnight Mum better it would only have upset her. I was tired of people upset with me. I stayed silent through the rest of dinner.

'Bro, do you need to go out tonight?' Rocco said as I got to my room. 'I think I know what all this is, really. Can I help? I was only joking downstairs.' He leaned in and whispered 'Got a certain fox on your mind?'

'I just want to be on my own,' I said.

I lay on my bed without listening to anything apart from the stupid noise of my younger brothers and sisters playing and Lucy practicing her clarinet. I hated the sound of that thing. I wanted Alfie back, playing his guitar, and I hated the rest of the house for having fun when I couldn't. Eventually I just fell asleep, only to wake up when someone knocked on the door. I pretended to still be sleeping and ignored it. Until of course, Mum got insistent. Then when I didn't answer she got worried and opened the door anyway.

She sat down on my bed. 'Todd, is there something really bothering you?'

'I'm fine, Mum. I'm just not really in the mood for anything tonight.'

'Alright then,' she said, ruffling my head. 'I'll go tell your friend you'd rather not come down then.'

'Which friend?'

'Well, I haven't met him before but he says he knows you from the prom. I think he liked your set with the band. I think he said his name was Colin or something.'

Oh no. Not now. 'Or Colton. Was it Colton?'

'Yeah, that's it,' my mother said. 'I forgot. Must have been the story he's spent the last half an hour telling me. I really think you should come down.'

Why did she have to put on an act about this? _Shit,_Colton had told her about all this before I had? It was a mercy she'd shown all the signs of knowing nothing, and believed me when all I'd said was I'd really enjoyed my prom and Courtney was a nice date and nothing much had really happened at all.

'Yeah alright,' I said, getting up. 'I'll come down then.' She didn't know what my smile was for at all.

Colton was sitting in the front room where she'd left him.

'Todd,' he said. 'Hi.' He looked like he was still hungover from the punch he'd taken from his sister. Good.

'Hi,' I said. 'Get the fuck out of my house.'

'Oh now just a minute,' my mother said, raising her voice. 'We'll have none of this, young man. Do you know what-'

'Oh give it a rest, Mum!' I yelled. 'I'm eighteen years old and I get to work my own problems out, so for once in your life just shut up will you?!'

It shocked her. I didn't care. Nor that all the noise in the house around me had stopped.

I turned on Colton. 'I don't want you here. Whatever apology you came here to make, I won't accept it and you knew it, so that's why you've tried you nice-act on my mum. It's not going to work. I don't care about you. Whatever the deal with you is, I don't want an explanation. I just don't want to know. You'll say sorry one minute and then be back to just insulting me the next.' I looked at mum. 'You wanna hear all the things he's called our family and see if you still think he's my friend? He's not.' I looked at Colton. 'Just get out. You only came here because Courtney made you and she wasted her time. Tell her that.'

He actually did look sorry, but I decided it was more for himself. I waited, wondering what clever line he'd practiced, but he gave me nothing. He just looked at his feet and then back up at me and nodded. 'Alright,' he said. As he left, there was none of his usual speed, and none of the poise I'd once thought I loved. Everything about him drooped and right before he shut the door I could have sworn I heard him sniff.

I turned back to Mum. 'Okay, I'm sorry I talked to you like that. But really, Mum, could you please just leave me alone? And stop making me check my weight while you watch. Everyone's laughing about it. And I know they're all listening on the stairs right now and I don't care.'

She took it all, and then leaned on the door frame, her arms folded, and I knew I was in for none of the usual Mum.This wasn't prom-night Mum either. This was 'I'll survive any fallout' Mum. Shit, I probably hadn't even shocked her at all. Compared to Alfie I was a rank amateur.

'Is that it then?' she said. 'Got it out of your system? Pleased with how you handled that? You're right, you're eighteen now. You know how to act like a grown up. Off you go then, no hard feelings.'

I stood there like I'd just had a concussion and not dropped on my ass. My brothers and sisters were still on the stairs, none of them talking either. Nothing for it then. I followed Mum into the kitchen. 'Okay, let's hear it. What did he tell you about last week? Why did I get it all wrong?'

'It's for you to work out,' my mother said, shrugging and continuing with drying the dishes.'

'Awww Mum, come on, don't do this. I hate it when you're mad at me like this. Just tell me I upset you and then tell me why I'm supposed to be hearing whatever story Colton told you.'

She put the dishes down, turned and smiled. 'I'm not mad at you, Todd. Really. But you're far from perfect. I heard about what Colton did last Saturday. I heard about it not long after it happened. I left you alone about it all week because it's like you said, it's for you to work out. But listen to me.' She put her hands on my shoulders. 'I know when somebody who's behaved in horrible ways and doesn't seem like a very nice person takes a step back and then decides they want to be better than that. I know a fake apology and a real one. I raised Alfie, didn't I?'

'Alfie's one of us,' I said. 'Colton's not Alfie. Alfie just said things because he's got a temper. Colton said everything to me because he meant it.'

'Maybe he did. But then, maybe he's capable of realising it was wrong. I know what he called our family. The first thing he did was tell me all the names he called you and us and then said he knew none of them were true. That was before I even let him in the door. I know when someone wants to make amends. I knew he'd maybe come here and pull a bit of an act. I was ready for it. Just like I'm always ready for you. You lot still don't know how to play me and he certainly didn't. That's why the real him came out.'

'You really think so?'

'I know what he did,' she said. 'But you did_make him feel humiliated in front of a lot of people. Sometimes even when someone deserves it, it helps if _both people say sorry for what happened later and just agree they learned something about life. If you want to be a grown up, Todd, the most important thing about it is learning when to forgive people. Or least to try. We'd have a better world if every grown up could do that. So don't start being one who can't. Or won't try.' She let go of my shoulders. 'Go out there. The longer we stand here talking about this, the less chance you have of catching him.'

She was right. Why did she always have to be right?

It didn't matter. I was taking off as fast as I could.

* * *

'Colton!' I spotted him right on the corner of the block. He didn't respond to my yell. I tried again. Still nothing. I chased after him, knowing he was probably ignoring me or I was going to see all the signs Mum was right. He'd been beating himself up about his own behaviour and now me sticking the knife in had made him wonder what the point in trying was.

I ran after him, and caught him after two minutes. 'Colton,' I said, close to him and still he didn't look up from the ground and she shuffled along. 'Oh come on, I'm here aren't I? Can you at least look at me?'

He looked up now. His eyes looked wet, but his fur wasn't. This wasn't a look I'd ever seen on him before. For a moment, I dreaded to think what might have actually happened to him in this last week. The police finally taught him a lesson? Then Joe Cassano taught him something worse? Then just when there was nothing left his own sister found something else to tear off him anyway? That's what this looked like.

'Alright,' I said. 'Whatever you've got to say, I'm here and I'll listen. And you're lucky.'

Now something came back to him for a moment, as if he was going to hammer me with all the reasons why that had never been true. 'Lucky?' he said. 'Seriously? Am I?' He stood up a little straighter now and brushed his hands over his ears, as if trying to stand them up fully. 'Why?'

'I've got the coolest mum in the world,' I said. 'Even if she is a total pain in the ass a lot of the time.'

'She's the only reason you came after me?'

Oh boy, how could I answer that in a way that might make him feel any better about this? 'I think we ought to go somewhere and talk,' I said. 'You first. I'll listen. Then maybe I'll tell you why I came after you besides my Mum telling me when I've been a dick. And I was. What I did to you at the prom...I wouldn't have liked it if someone had done that to me. Maybe how you behaved was...' what, just him acting up? I always knew it was more than that. 'Look, I know I sound like some sort of asshole social worker right now, but I think you need help Colton. Whatever it is that's burning a hole in you, you've got to share it with someone else. So here I am. One last offer of help. Think you can talk to me without calling me a trash-panda? And I don't live in a trailer. You've seen where I live now. And you're lucky my mum let you in.'

'Yeah,' he said. 'I know.' He took a deep breath. 'I need somewhere quiet for this. Really quiet. I'd like it if it were a good long way from this whole town. But I'll settle for whatever you've got. You got a place like that?'

'Yeah,' I said. 'Actually, I do.'

* * *

We got to the barn where I'd come out to Rocco after over an hour of walking where neither of us said anything. There were about two hours of daylight left, and somehow I knew that I was going to end up either walking back in the midnight dark or calling Rocco for a ride, because the weight Colton looked like he was carrying might not even be off his shoulders after that much time. We sat down on the straw bails together.

'Thanks,' Colton said, his first words for at least half an hour. 'I know I don't deserve this. So before I say sorry and hope you know I mean it, here goes. Can I just ask you one thing though. I know I've been a complete dick, but if I tell you this will you promise it just stays between us even if we don't talk again after this?'

'I promise,' I said, suddenly wondering if I could hear this and deal with it the right way. However bad it might get, there was no backing out now.

'Okay, here goes,' Colton said. He took out his cigarettes. 'You mind?'

'Whatever you need,' I said.

He lit up, his hands trembling a little. 'Alright,' he said. 'Me and my folks moved to this town when I was thirteen. From a long way away. When we moved, I hoped certain things just didn't follow me. I didn't even want anyone from my old life calling me up to say hi. I didn't have that many friends there anyway, and the ones I did have...didn't get used to what happened to me.'

I waited, sure that this evening was going to bring many silences like this one.

'That first time you met me, at the skate park,' Colton said. 'I know what you noticed. You were looking at where I was meant to be wearing pads. But I had the lid on, right?' He tapped on his head with a fist.

I whistled. 'How did you know I was thinking that?'

'Call it fox instinct,' Colton said. 'I dunno. I never used to skate with any gear on at all. I hate the way all that crap feels. I've got perfect balance without it. Just like Courtney for her gym, except I like skating. We're two twins with the same gift. I mean I was good. Really good. And I was even better when I was on my own out of everybody's sight and I could just take all that gear off and be free. Just be like...._woah that's awesome_for just a few minutes. You know that feeling, I know you do. You get it all the time. Sports, music, you're life. Because you're cool, you know how to make it happen. Me, I can't do the one thing that got me that anymore.'

'What, skate? But you-'

'No, you dumb tr... sorry.' Colton took another deep breath. 'I had the perfect balance, until the day I didn't. I came down wrong and I smashed my head open. I broke a load of my ribs and something in my spine too. I was fucking lucky. When someone found me I'd bled out so much they thought I was dead. Because I didn't have the helmet on. I didn't have anything apart from me and a board. Actually...' Colton laughed. 'I was completely naked. Like everything.'

I tried not to laugh, covering my mouth with one hand, then the other, then I failed. 'Naked skateboarding. You.' It made me twitch so much I sat on my hands, the feelings I had for him threatening to surface all over again and give me all my teenage urges. Shit, not right now. Please not right now.

'Mum and Dad went absolutely mental. When they heard I got found like that they never thought I would have taken all my clothes off. They thought someone...okay, it's some fucked up shit they imagined that guy might have done to me. You get the idea?'

I felt instantly sick. 'Woah, Colton. Did you really skate naked or...'

'Yeah, it's okay. I took my own clothes off. I remember doing it. I know I remember it. I did it because a friend of mine dared me to but I couldn't do it in front of other people, so I just tried it on my own. And the guy who found me was decent and honest and I owe him my life for being there, for calling that ambulance that only just got there in time. But my parents were such assholes. They made the hospital test me. For _everything._You understand? And they were so well known in the community. I don't think they ever wanted to start what happened, but stuff got out, and people made stuff out of....stuff. It was like this guy was on trial before they even had proof, and it all came back negative. They all ruined someone's life. Because he saved mine. This guy, his name was Alvin. Al. He already had issues. It pushed him over. He shot himself in his trailer one night when he couldn't take it anymore.' Tears appeared in Colton's eyes now. 'Because he saved a kid's life and all they could think was he was a monster. All because I wasn't only dumb enough to not wear any gear, I had to go and take all my clothes off. Because I was Colton, the greatest skater of all time. It's my fault Al's dead.'

I almost reached out a hand to him, but I couldn't. He wasn't crying yet, just blinking it away. Maybe it would have been better if he just let go, but this wasn't time for me to say it. This was his thing, it all had to be his way, and somehow I doubted he wanted me to touch him.

'I'm sorry, Colton. I don't know what to say. Except that it wasn't your fault. Your parents...maybe they never knew what it would do to this guy if they got overly concerned. Maybe they should have talked to you first, I don't know, but...did you ever talk about it with them? After Al died?'

'Yeah. Way too much. I know they never meant it to end that way. I don't even think they wanted him to get accused, they were just freaked out because their son nearly died covered in his own blood. What parent wouldn't get shook up by that?'

I'd only met Colton's parents for one night, but I knew they didn't seem like the type to falsely make a serious accusation. Whatever happened, it was probably the rumour mill. And all the lemmings who'd followed it.

'They were gutted,' Colton said. 'They were just starting to do well in their businesses, everyone in that town loved them, then everyone all followed the rumours their son got abused. Until Al killed himself. Suddenly they decided we were all responsible. We practically got run out of town. I felt like it was my fault. Then I felt like it was theirs. I said I hated them so many times and it was like I meant it. I never really worked anything out with them. And then there was the rest of it. You'd think that'd be the worst thing to deal with, right? Waking up every day and thinking that if I'd just been an ordinary, sensible kid and skated like everyone else then a man might still be alive. It's not that simple. I wake up every day wishing it was.'

He went silent, and didn't even notice the cigarette he'd long since forgotten had burned out and he was still holding the filter. Then he woke back up and laughed at his ash covered hand and flicked it away. 'You were right, I should quit.'

'Maybe not today though,' I said. 'Come on. Tell me what else happened.'

'Maybe that's enough for one evening,' Colton said. 'I know it doesn't explain everything, but at least you've got an idea of what goes through my head every day. I only got back to skating because I made myself. And now I can't lose the helmet. Not when I think about what happened. The pads? I feel like....I feel like I'm broken anyway. So what's a few bones? Why bother looking after myself when I might wake up tomorrow and not...' He tailed off, and took out another cigarette.

'It's alright,' I said. 'You can take your time.' I waited. 'You want to go home?'

'No,' Colton said. 'I came out here to do this. I'm doing this.' He neatened up his face again. 'That thing about the photographs, what my mum told you.' He took another deep breath. 'I don't like having my picture taken because I get migraines. Bad ones. It all started after the accident. No surprise there, right? I split my skull half in two. I'm lucky my parents could afford a good surgeon and I don't still wear any sign of it. Except if you run a finger under my fur up the back of my head. Then you can kinda feel a scar line. Flashes sometimes set the migraines off. Only sometimes. I let Mum take those pics because I wanted to get out of the goddamn prom.'

'Why?' I said.

'Because I meant what I said, I really didn't care about it. I thought I was so much better than everyone else. That night, after the police took me away and locked me up, I got one of the migraines then. They just stuck me back in my cell and nobody came to help me. They wouldn't give me any meds. They called Mum and Dad and you know what they did? Nothing. Courtney was right. They've had enough of me too. I spent the whole night crying and hallucinating and feeling like I had nails inside my brain. And you know what I knew when it all wore off? This was how shit I've been making other people feel.'

'This is what you told my mum, right? What got her to let you in.'

'Yeah, that's pretty well it. But I've got tell you something else.' This time he was remembering to smoke, and he took a large drag like he was enjoying it and surrounded his head with smoke.

'You're gay, aren't you?' I said. 'Caitlyn was right.'

Colton laughed. It reassured me slightly. 'Caitlyn? Nah, she's never right about anything. I'm both ways. Guys, chicks, I've got all the choice I want. Before my accident, it was just chicks. I know I was only twelve, but trust me. This is a fox who's always got a load in his pants. Literally. I knew who I got it for before. I was straight. Then that happened. And it wasn't just that.' Colton smirked now. 'I know Courtney told you I'm horny all the time. That I'm easy to turn on. Before the accident, I was just normal like that. Got it the way any other kid would. A year after the accident, I got diagnosed with hyper-sexuality. I know it sounds like so much bullshit, but trust me. I have to take meds just to keep it as under control as this. Sometimes I still have to jerk off like six times a day to get rid of what's happening down there. Sounds too cool to be true, right? Trust me raccoon, it's not. You ever heard of too much of a good thing? That's what I get every day when those meds aren't working.'

I must have looked like I was about to either die from shock or die laughing. I knew I was going to say something stupid, and it was already out of my mouth. 'This is actually for real? A head injury like that can turn someone into that? Shit, I'm sorry, that came out wrong, I just...don't hate her, but Courtney told me you must have some serious energy when you find somewhere to put that thing. That's what she said.'

'She_said_ that?' Now Colton looked surprised. 'Man, she's so full of it. And before you even think about asking, I am not so fucked up that I...do I need to say it?'

'That you boned your own sister?' This whole thing was turning me into an idiot. 'I'd never ask you if you did that. And I believe you. And I wouldn't care if you had anyway. So...'

Could I actually tell him how I felt about him? Was this my moment? Repaying honesty with honesty? No, because this was his moment only, and I'd hate myself forever. Besides, the serious look was back.

'Actually,' Colton said, 'there are days when I like it. When I like who I am, what I've got, how I actually do have that energy. How I can still skate. How I passed a test for the airforce.'

Hell, I'd actually forgotten all about that. 'So that's why you don't know if they can take you. The meds you take for your condition. How do you know? Did you ask them about it yet?'

'It's not that,' Colton said. 'It's...there's a side effect. Sure, I get massive doses of boner juice all the time and I'm the fox who's always ready to fuck. That's what some people call me. And I liked it, right up till now it kinda worked for me. But there's something else. It doesn't happen so often anymore, but the doctors still don't know what exactly causes it. I hate doctors. All the ones I've seen, they always do this "We know something's wrong with him but we don't know what but we'll keep thinking" in a hundred different bullshit ways.' He took another drag and then crushed the cigarette. 'Sometimes, Todd, I don't know...'

It took me a moment to realise I was holding my breath, waiting for the end of the words I knew Courtney had been on the verge of hitting him with. He looked away for at least a minute, then his eyes met mine and I knew that behind every side of him I'd ever seen, there had been what he was about to tell me.

'There are days when I wake up,' Colton said, 'and I don't know who I am. It's not like an identity teenage-angst thing, it's _everything,_Aldrington. I don't know why I'm in this bed, where this place is, who my family are, what state I live in, where I go to school, who I'm attracted to, why I've woken up with a hard-on, nothing. I'm just totally blank. Then if I stay awake for a couple of hours and just go with the flow and my family keep talking to me, it all fades back. I don't know how it happens, I can't feel it happening, and then it's like I just had a massive absence seizure and I'm me again. Like that.' He clicked his fingers, and I remembered him clicking them in front of my face.

I shook my head. 'Jesus, Colton. So...all the times you knew you were behaving like an asshole, you figured sooner or later it wouldn't matter because you'd wake up one day and...' I stopped, realising I shouldn't have thought that out loud. 'I'm sorry. I shouldn't be guessing.'

'It's fine, Aldrington, you don't have to keep saying sorry to me. Not when I'm the one who owes you all the apologies there are. You've got me. Every day I wonder if I'll wake up tomorrow and I just won't come back this time. I go through every day wondering if this is going to be the last day I get to spend as me.' Now he was trying harder not to cry. 'Sure, I act like I'm tough. When the force told me I was good enough for pilot, I felt tough. I felt like I might still have a shot at something big and I had to take it before that day comes when I'm not here anymore. But I am still here. I act tough, Todd, but I'm not. I'm terrified.'

I closed my eyes and sighed, wishing I'd never done what I'd done to him on prom night. Courtney was right, there were some things people wouldn't forgive you for. At least I hadn't known this and told anyone about it. If Caitlyn had told me this at the bar like she was going to....

Oh boy, just_ _what might I have done?

'You know what, Colton?' I said. 'I'm terrified too. All the time. And I don't even have your reasons for being that way. All the stupid things I ever worried about...I always knew there was something else underneath you. I came to the park to try and offer you help because I...because I liked you. Because I wanted to know what it was that made me...want to be your friend. I never thought there was anything quite like this, but...this is... I think I...'

Colton cocked his head a little, looking like he'd won his battle with tears in favour of the intrigue I'd fed him. God, he looked cute when he was puzzled.

I was right all along! Rocco was wrong when he told me I could do better. I'd found a real person worth seeking out in Colton. Nobody else in this whole world had a story like his. And he'd chosen me to tell it to.

'What is it, Aldrington?' he said. 'Are you trying to tell me something here?'

'Ah forget it,' I said. 'I don't matter right now. You just told me the most amazing things about you. And they are amazing, Colton. They're all you. So some of them are scary, terrifying, some of them make you feel like shit, but they're part of you. And I'm glad I know them. And you. So come on. Maybe you can still get into the airforce. But I was right. Just say it. We need to get you fit.'

Colton laughed. 'Forget it, raccoon. Thanks, but it's over. We both know it. They're not going to take someone who's got my problem. It costs hundreds of thousands to train a pilot. What if they do it and I wake up and it's my gone-day? That's what I call it. That's why I never really saw the point in making any decent friends. I'd end up just making them sad when I get to my gone-day and they still have to be around me, trying to bring me back and always failing.'

'Colton,' I said. 'I'd stay with you for as long as you were here, and you, and then all the time after that, whoever you might wake up as. I'd be there. I wouldn't be sad. I'd just be...'

'Be what?' Colton swung his legs over the straw bail so he was sitting with one on each side, facing me. 'Come on, Aldrington. I can read you like a book. Just tell me what you need to tell me.'

I was sitting on my trembling hands, just like I had with Rocco. 'I wanted to go to the prom with you, Colton,' I said. 'Because I'm gay. I thought I was and now I know it, because... because I was obsessed with you. I went running past the skate park every night just to see you. I almost didn't care you behaved like such a jerk because you just did it with style. You skated with such style. It's beautiful. If you hadn't had the accident I wonder...' what you might still be like? 'Oh fuck I'm getting this wrong! Look at my ears, my stupid ears always do this when I feel like I'm just dying. And I'm talking complete shit because I don't know what to say.'

Colton gave me a his wicked smile again, and this time I knew it wasn't supposed to make me feel small and gutted. It was all the reverse. 'Then say the one thing you're trying not to.'

'I think I'm in love with you,' I said.