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We woke up on the couch with the 'This Channel is Offline' screen, both still completely naked. The otters had been every bit as much fun as Colton had promised. At least we'd remembered to vaguely clean up after our jerk-off race (surprisingly, I won, and all Colton could say was 'You wish I was an otter, don't you?') before falling into what's best described as a sex-coma. Trouble was, the tissues were all on the floor in front of the couch, and standing there with some coffee for us was Colton's mum.

'Have fun, boys? Nice choice of channel. Was that the otters again?' She looked at Colton, then at me. 'All emptied out?'

My ears divebombing against my head, I grabbed a sofa cushion to cover my lap while she laughed. Colton didn't find it funny though, and that's when I knew I was in trouble. Usually, he'd have done something like cover me up without thinking of himself, or just lit a cigarette and shrugged while he watched me in 'caught by Mum' mode. Instead, he sat there looking haunted, then looking all around him.

'Shit,' I whispered.

Chantelle got it quicker than I did, and was already in action. 'This is fine,' she said, kneeling down and gently persuading Colton to take the coffee cup. 'Just drink this and stay cool. Your name's Colton, I'm your mum Chantelle and this is your boyfriend Todd. You had a head injury when you were younger and this sometimes happens. You'll remember everything again within an hour or two. Wait here, there's something I've got to get that will help.'

She went into the kitchen. I sat there, completely frozen in mind and body, wondering what the fuck I was meant to do now. Why had we never had that conversation he'd said we had to have about how I should deal with this? Now I wasn't dealing with it. All I could do was pretend I wasn't as scared as he was. Because this was scary, not just nerves about the unknown. Colton didn't just look like he'd gone blank. He looked like he could go crazy.

'What are you looking at?' He said, staring at me with the same look I'd seen on his face when he was storming up to the stage the night I'd humiliated him at the prom. Did he even realise he was completely naked right now? His hackles were up, the fur down his spine all bristled. His jaw was tense and his teeth slightly bared.

'Try and relax,' Chantelle said, trying to smooth the fur on his back down, but he growled at her, and for a moment I actually thought he'd got for her, and when the whole room stayed still, I found myself tensed up and ready to spring.

'Read this,' Chantelle said, as if she hadn't noticed she'd been within seconds of getting mauled by her own son.

I dared not get too close, but I made out the start: There are three people who know about this list: Chantelle (your mum) Michael (your dad) and Courtney (your sister). If anyone else gives it to you, check with those three that they're a safe person.

'So who the fuck are you?' Colton said, looking at me.

'Erm...your mum told you, I'm...'

'How do I even know you're my mum?' he said, looking at her. 'You just let me sleep naked on the couch in your house with my...I'm a fox, right?' Colton started looking at his own body like he'd never seen it before. 'My boyfriend's a raccoon? That's fucking disgusting.'

'Well excuse me!' I said, the red mist replacing all my inhibitions, my own hackles up now. 'Excuse me if you're the one who kept saying we had to talk about I was meant to deal with you when you had one of these days, and then you never fucking bothered. Because you were too busy fucking me instead.'

Colton gasped, actually looking as shocked as he sounded, and he looked at his mother, then at the wet tissues all over the floor in front of him.

'Sorry,' I said, looking at Chantelle. 'Maybe I should just go out for a couple of-'

'Sit down Todd,' she said sternly, and I knew the tone of voice wasn't aimed at me, because she was looking at Colton. 'I told you to add Todd to this list a good two weeks ago.' She tapped the paper. 'Why didn't you? Now it's your own fault he told you where it's at. Now read the part that tells you you're prone to saying things you don't mean and you're probably going to have to apologise for them later. So it's better if you don't speak at all. You just come and eat breakfast and try not to hurt anyone's feelings.'

He went with her into the kitchen, walking slowly, and constantly looking at me as though I was vermin. Between his looks, Chantelle winked and gave me the thumbs up.

Courtney came in as I was clearing up the tissues, not sure what else to do with myself. I didn't even care she was looking at me naked. Just like I didn't care that I knew it wasn't really Colton talking to me. It shouldn't have burned so much. It might not have if we'd talked about this, if I hadn't lost my home the day before, but now? I was pissed. I wasn't going to pretend I wasn't.

'He never warned you, did he?'

'He told me he had amnesia issues,' I said. 'Not a goddamn split personality disorder. It's like... it's like he wasn't really putting on an act when he tried to make me hate him before. It's like the act's pretending to love me. Because this is who he really is. Tell me I'm wrong.'

'It's not a split personality,' she said. 'Four expert psychiatrists have all agreed on that. It's fear brought on by not knowing who he is.'

'Funny how he still remembers the asshole side of himself then. It's exactly the same.'

'You need to go in there and eat breakfast with him.'

'Fuck that. He just looked at me like I gave him Aids or something.'

'Todd,' she said. 'If you want to keep being with him you're going to have to learn how to do this.'

She was right, and I knew it.

'So he never added you to the safe list. You'll get an apology later when real Colton's back. It's blank Colton who just hurt your feelings. Whatever night you had together it was obviously hot, and waking up to this just ruined it. So get over it quick-quick and then go have some waffles and coffee and get used to him throwing worse at you than that, because he can, and he will, and this whole family's taken it for years, like we're a mattress and he's a fat fuck bouncing his ass on us. It's your turn. So give those cum-tissues to me and I'll go flush them while you go learn something about life.'

'Fine,' I said, shoving them into her hands. 'You think he can throw stuff at me? I've seen what he gets like over five otters when they've all got a bulge in their pants and "watersports" gets a whole new meaning.'

I forced myself to eat while Colton went from standoffish scared to uncertain scared to full on scared scared. Only the line at the bottom of his guidance notes that said 'Just don't run away, stay where you are' seemed to stop him, because he kept reading the paper with his thumbs right next to that line. After breakfast he sat on the sofa and stared into space, in between bouts of holding his head and pulling his ears, and finally shutting his eyes and lying down while still doing both, like he was trying to force his brain to remember and didn't know how to express how hard it was failing.

I went back out to the kitchen, wondering if there was some way I could sneak my way back into the cocktail mixing cupboard and take the edge of myself without anyone noticing. If I could get back to who I was last night then I might be more chilled out about this, and somehow perhaps Colton would get the vibe from me when I either knew what to say or wasn't afraid of saying something stupid. All I ended up doing was pouring a coffee I didn't really want.

'You're doing fine,' Chantelle said. 'It won't be long now. Why don't you go for a swim or something?'

'Because...' maybe she was right, I ought to do something with myself and not just stand around trying to be helpful, but another thought had already replaced that: if Colton couldn't remember who he was then would he remember he had a morbid fear of deep water? What if I took him swimming with me and he came back to himself once I'd actually got him to swim? It was an appalling idea on one hand, probably little better than abuse of someone vulnerable, and yet the thought wouldn't leave me alone. Would he love me for being that daring or never forgive me?

The latter, I decided, and disliked myself for having even entertained the idea, which really didn't help at all. 'I think I'll just go lie down and read a book.'

Colton didn't have any books, so I just lay on his bed remembering some old quote about how if you went home with someone and found they didn't have any books then you shouldn't fuck them. Maybe he had some hidden away in his wardrobe or drawers, but I didn't go looking in case he came upstairs still in his blank state. Just lying on his bed felt like me setting a fight-trap with myself as the live bait.

Until he came in, looking exhausted. 'Todd? Okay, how long was I gone for this time?'

'I didn't time it.' I sat up and looked at my watch anyway. 'About two and a half hours.'

'Shit,' he said, 'it's getting worse. Last time was just under two.' He stood there and looked at me, looking like he couldn't see at all, and then I realised that perhaps he barely could.

'Migraine?' I said.

'Not quite but it's coming,' he said. 'I don't always get one right after, but when I do it gets mean as fuck. I feel like my right eye's trying to force itself shut.' He put his hand over it and looked like he was about to fall over. 'What did I say to you?'

'Maybe now's not the time to go th-'

'No,' he said. 'I need to know. It's part of it. I can't tell you I'm sorry and say that wasn't me unless I know for sure that it wasn't, you get it? It's part of my treatment. And I know I should have told you this already, because Mum's just been a total bitch about it, and I'm only saying that because I know she's right and I deserve...urgh. Little help here?' he was clutching at the doorframe.

It snapped me out of inaction. 'I've got you,' I said. 'You fantastic fox. I'm glad you're back.' I wasn't sure how I'd flashed back to loving him again so suddenly, but I knew it was what he needed when he laughed faintly and tried to put his arm around me too, but only managed a weak brush against my back before everything went floppy and I just about got him onto the bed.

'Top drawer,' he said. 'Jar with the white cap. Get a glass of water.'

I'd never helped anyone take medication before, but even the sight of the sheer amount of pills Colton kept in his bedside table didn't slow me down. I got the glass of water from the kitchen and came back up the stairs barely registering that I'd done it. I put the pills in Colton's mouth and he sighed with relief as soon as they touched his tongue. 'Slowly,' I said, holding the rim of the glass to his mouth and tipping it slowly, hoping he wouldn't choke. He didn't. He swallowed, and when I stopped pouring he asked for more, then more again, until half a pint was gone and he stopped to catch his breath.

I remembered him telling me that when he got arrested for GTA on prom night, the police had left him in his cell with a migraine and no medication, and I shuddered to think of what he must have gone through. It was enough to make me want to try taking two of these pills myself, because they obviously weren't painkillers, they were knockout drops. I looked at the bottle, thought about it, then put it back in the drawer and shut it away. I got on the bed next to Colton and stroked his head, listening to him breathe like he was asleep even though he wasn't. He kept twitching and whimpering for another half an hour until he did fall asleep, but I didn't dare take my hand off his head, as if any slight change could tip him out of his peaceful state and back into agony.

I fell asleep myself eventually, and when I woke up later Colton wasn't there. I heard the toilet flush down the corridor, then smelt the shower gel and the condensation laden air, and Colton came back in wearing just his underpants and a T-shirt, freshly wet from the shower. 'Hey Todd-coon,' he said. 'Sleepy much?'

'What the...you just snap out of it like that?'

He shrugged. 'Like what?' He sat down on the bed and smiled. 'Okay, it took me half an hour to get off the bed, but you were sound asleep. And I was fine. Just groggy. And I needed the pills from the blue-cap bottle. Thanks for giving me the white. Without that I can take hours to move, not just a half. That's what they do. They make it so I kind of rest and it's not so bad when I come round.'

'So that night,' I said. 'With the cops. When you didn't have them...' I knew it was the wrong thing to say, but I couldn't help myself anyway. He held up his hands like he was going to say 'Oranges,' but he didn't. He just gave me a soft smile and put a hand on the back of my neck.

'Yeah,' he said. 'Told you I learned something that next day. If I make other people feel like shit then what do I deserve?'

'Nobody deserves that, Colton. You were right. If you want that treatment then maybe you should have it. Would it help with the headaches too?'

'Yeah,' he said. 'Apparently it could. Or_ _it could make them worse. I don't know. I don't think any experts do either. But listen, I don't want you or anyone else feeling sorry for me. I don't wanna be a pity zone every time I get this. You've seen it now. It'll get easier to see. Just routine. And you'll only need it once in a blue moon. And I'm sorry I never sorted out getting you added to that safe list. I'm a dumbass. And Mum told me what you said, about me being too busy fucking you.' Colton got onto the bed and lay with his head propped on his elbow. He put his hand down his pants and adjusted himself for comfort, the top of his semi poking through. 'Great line. Okay, now what else have I got to be sorry for?'

I told him.

'I said what?' Colton said, his sex drive vanishing as quickly as it had come on.

' "My boyfriend's a raccoon? That's fucking disgusting." '

Colton took a deep breath. 'I don't know where that came from. That's not even old-Colton. I've always liked raccoons. Not always admitted it, but...I thought some other species were disgusting, sure, when I was too stupid to realise how dumb that was, but you guys? Never. So let's not pretend I didn't hurt your feelings. I'm sorry, okay? I hope that never happens again. I need to add that to my list as something I shouldn't say.'

'It's cool,' I said, deciding a confession of my own might not be so bad. 'You know what I felt like doing?' I told him about the swimming pool idea, and he laughed uneasily.

'Thanks,' he said. 'For not doing that. But...man, it's interesting, right? Maybe I really wouldn't know. Want me to write down 'Todd has permission to take you swimming because it might help?'

'Don't you dare! What if that went totally wrong and I drowned you?'

'I always thought drowning might be better than one of those fuckin' headaches. When I get one of those, I pray for just about anything else to replace it.'

'You pray?' I said. 'Like really pray?'

'Oh shit, here we go,' Colton said. 'It's just another expression, raccoon. I know you go to church and all, but I don't, never have. I doubt God exists. Just sometimes I hope he might. And if I'm really fucking lucky he might give a reprieve to a sinner like me. You actually believe? I can go to church with you if you want. I'd do that. And I'd behave.'

I thought about what Rocco had said about Dad and his secretly waning belief. 'It's a routine to me,' I said. 'And I kinda like it. I like the irony of singing a bit of gospel music every Sunday instead of death metal or rock or all that. And sometimes I feel like there's someone there. Maybe it's just an imaginary friend thing. Or maybe sometime's life's so unexplainable that ordinary rational explanations just don't work. Am I talking crap?'

'Complete and total,' Colton said, tickling the side of my chest. 'Nah, that's all fair. Okay, so we've lost nearly half a day each to my stupid brain. Let's make up for it. How are we doing?'

'What do you mean?'

Colton rolled his eyes. 'Well duh, buttstuffer. How many likes have we got on Assbook after last night?'

'Oh yeah,' I said. 'We came out. I almost forgot.'

'You came out,' Colton said. 'I just told a story about myself. I don't think you exactly come out that you're an occasional amnesiac who gets ice-pick headaches and a little more teenage angst than average.'

'And a perpetual hard-on,' I said, looking at Colton's pants and feeling a little surprised not to see the bulge this time. I loaded up his laptop and took a look.

Colton's story had more than double the likes that mine did. Then there were the comments, the shares, the re-tweets. A few people even made similar posts of their own, about long hidden personal stuff they suddenly want others to know.

In fact, compared to Colton, people were barely looking at me at all.

* * *

Colton knew what I was thinking. Not content with being suddenly even more popular than his spotlight sister, he now seemed to have developed mind reading skills to rival my own mother's.

'Okay,' he said, after a few minutes of pretending to read his comments when really he was looking at me. 'Not exactly what I...shit, alright, I won't lie. I did kinda wonder if this might happen.'

'Why?'

He looked as if he were about to ask if I really wanted to go here, and then it was like he remembered my reluctance to answer his questions about what he'd said, and that I'd done it for him anyway. 'Okay, listen, you ready for a good dose of reality or shall we have a drink and maybe play around with each other for a bit and try and pretend this doesn't really matter until it really doesn't?'

'Just serve it to me straight, Colton. Why was I too stupid to see this coming?'

'You're not stupid, Todd-coon. This isn't about smart or stupid. Just about how we're a little different. I'm good at drawing attention to myself. I have been for years. I've got this much of it right now because I already had the people queued, all of them waiting for paydirt like this. You're...not that guy. People know me, because I'm always showing off to the whole world. You? People know about you and sports. Because that's all that's on show. I'm the one who knows there's a whole lot more to you because you've let me see it. That night at the prom when you got up with the band? Maybe that was the first time you answered "What else is there?" to everyone else. And then you didn't want to carry on being in the band afterwards. Your choice, I get it. But let's face it: if that had been me, I'd've grabbed a chance like that by the balls. Because I love the spotlight. But you? The truth is, your Dad was right about one thing: you are kind of shy. And reserved. You keep a lot of yourself to yourself. A lot. And I like who you are. But it means this whole picture we're looking at's no surprise to me.'

'Then why did you tell me to do this?' I said. 'You said it could work well for both of us? I'm only seeing it work for you right now. You only needed me to do this because without me you wouldn't feel like you had permission to tell the whole story.'

'Come on, don't write this off. And I don't give a shit about permission. If we hadn't stayed together I'd probably have written this story and outed you anyway because I got tired of you being a chicken. But you weren't. I gave you a push towards the edge and then you jumped on your own.'

'Oh yeah. Nice analogy. Wonder what made you think of it.'

Colton lit a cigarette. 'Forget about me. I just have a weird thing about swimming pools. Your pool is the world and other people. You started showing them who you are at last. You think I started off being this popular? I started right where you are. With my slut sister getting double the attention before she was even old enough to know what a slut was.'

'You think popularity matters beyond high-school? Grow up, fox. You're the one who said you were playing in the real world now, remember? Who gets the most attention on the internet's a game for highschoolers and politicians and people trying to sell stuff. You've stopped being the first, you're too smart to become the second, and you've got nothing people want to buy because you don't even have a plan for your life yet. You liking this good dose of reality too now?' I shut the lid of the laptop. 'Fuck all this. I'm getting a drink.'

Colton got up with me. 'That's the first sensible thing you've said since you woke up.'