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The Porn Note

Chapter 13: Problems Inherent in the System

By Draconicon

He never received a response from Jonah, so Malcolm didn't know if he was going into Hell or if he was going to somewhere safe. In either case, there was no point in waiting. If he did, then Greydrone could easily start up another death spell on Rashii or himself, and the last thing he needed was to turn another friend into a sexy undead.

They went back to the airport, and - with the distracting help of a suddenly puffed-up poodle and his entourage turned pup-pack - they were through security with little issue. The only problem was Taj trying to get sexual with some of the guards, and needing to be pulled back before he could cause an incident.

"But I'm hungry."

"I know, I know," Malcolm muttered as he took the tiger's hands off of the third security guard in a row. "But you'll have to feed on something else later. I can't exactly stop the plane from taking off, here."

"Mmmph...fine. But this is difficult, I want you to know."

"So noted."

Shaking his head, the mouse guided the tiger onto the plane. He glanced over his shoulder, noted that Rashii was hesitating, and winced slightly. Making sure that Taj wasn't showing any signs of going after the pilot, he turned back to her, letting the other passengers start boarding behind him.

"What?"

"We're going back to the same place we ran away from."

"I know. I'm not happy about it either, but -"

"No, you don't understand."

Rashii shook her head, the snake rubbing the back of her head as she looked towards the plane again. The other passengers were almost fully boarded, and Malcolm couldn't help but feel a bit antsy. Much as the book could hide some oddities, he didn't want it to be doing it all the time.

It's going to be fine, he told himself. We're just going back, hopefully find Jonah in a good mood, and get Taj turned back to normal. Worst comes to worst, I'll lie to him about being willing to give up the Book, and that'll be it.

"How do we know that this is going to work?"

"...I'm sorry?"

"How do you know that this plan is going to work? We're going right back into the lion's den, where Jonah is most powerful, surrounded by all sorts of things to keep us from leaving again. All because...because Taj wants to get himself fixed up again? What makes you think that Jonah will even listen to us?"

"...I was going to say...maybe offer him my Book."

"Yeah? And what happens when he insists on payment up front?"

"Well..."

He sighed.

"I don't know. But I don't have any other ideas. Taj is barely alive as it is, and if something goes wrong, he could just disappear off of the face of the earth. What am I supposed to do?"

"Find a better idea than this, I think."

"Well, I'm open to suggestions."

"Here's one. We go to Crypto, shake down Greydrone, put a bullet in his head if we have to, and use his book to reverse the fucking death curse."

"..."

The mouse stared at her, his jaw dropping almost down to his knees as he tried to fathom how many ways that that could go wrong. Forget the fact that they would have to get through a huge amount of undead land, with poisonous gases and a climate that made Mordor look like a vacation destination, but they'd have to deal with someone that could kill them anytime he wanted, as long as they weren't touching the book. And who knew how many minions he had, waiting to help him in the process? After all, now that he'd shown that he wasn't willing to help, he was free game.

Rashii didn't even pause. She kept right on going.

"Hell, it'd be easier than thinking Jonah would get along with us. I guarantee you. Give me a sniper rifle and good ammunition, and I can guarantee you that I can peg Greydrone in the head wherever he is. All I need is a building, and I can find him."

"I...I think you...you might be overestimating your abilities. Just a tad."

"I know what I can do. And I know that I'd prefer to do that than what we're doing right now."

"...Can we discuss this on the plane?"

"Can we not go to System?"

"We've already booked the tickets, and they're starting to stare."

The snake glared down at him, but finally sighed.

"This is a mistake. I'm going on record, here and now, to say that this is a big, big, big mistake."

"I know."

"Glad that you admit that much..."

Not what I meant, he thought as he followed her up the gangplank. They were the last passengers on, and were the victim of a number of stink-eyes from others that had been waiting for them to get this done. Every person that wasn't involved in last-minute phone browsing had their eyes narrowed at him or Rashii, or both, as they made their way towards the first class seats that they'd booked.

A flight attendant that had a dazed look on his face was wandering away, and Malcolm sighed. If the facial expression wasn't enough, the undone zipper told him the whole story.

Rashii sat down between him and Taj, and he sat in the aisle. No sooner had he taken his seat than he felt a little electrical shock under his arm. For a moment, he thought that there was a loose wire, but then the screen built into the seat in front of him turned on. The letters AMI flickered and rotated twice, then faded away.

She's following us? I didn't know she could do that.

He glanced to the side, but neither Rashii nor Taj seemed to have noticed that. With a shake of his head, he leaned back, and slowly closed his eyes. It was a long trip to System territory, and he didn't want to be completely out of it when they landed.

#

As soon as he landed, things had taken a turn for the worse.

Woken by a shake of his shoulder, he turned his head and looked out the window. A wide arc of metallic soldiers - SysSol elite - were gathered at the side of the plane, and as he leaned over to the other side, he saw another arc of them along the other side. Each one had a weapon of some sort trained on the plane, and he winced.

"Well...that's not the way that I hoped we'd be welcomed."

"Yeah. Who said that it was a mistake again?"

Rashii waved her hand up and down.

"Yeah, yeah, me. I said it was a mistake. I called it, and I was right."

"Yes, yes, I know. Let me think."

"Yeah, you think on it. I'm getting to the luggage."

"Wha -"

Rashii had already unbuckled her seatbelt, and was making her way towards the back of the plane before he could even react. The mouse pointed back at her, then turned to Taj and looked back down the aisle. She was already almost out of sight, having fought her way past a number of passengers that were still waiting for the door to open.

"How does she do that?"

"I have no idea, but it's cool."

"Yes..."

Cool, but problematic. He didn't know how she planned on getting down to the cargo hold, but he was pretty sure that it wasn't going to make things easier for him or Taj in the process. Shaking his head, he turned his attention to the touchscreen, hesitated, then tapped it twice.

AMI's logo popped up again, still slowly spinning, and he tapped it. A quiet voice, just loud enough for him to hear, responded.

"Hello, Master Malcolm. How may I help you?"

"AMI, how tapped into the plane are you?"

"Complete, Master Malcolm."

"What sort of extras does this thing have? Anything worthwhile?"

"Scanning. Initial indicators detect a defense shield against high atmosphere debris, as well as emergency hoverjets along the bottom of the wings and the main fuselage. Further equipment may exist, but is not present on initial scans."

"Alright...prep the hoverjets, but don't turn them on yet."

"Malcolm...did the AI sneak aboard with us?"

"Yeah, somehow," he muttered, shaking his head. "What is Rashii doing?"

BANG!

The whole plane shook as the passengers jumped, the loud gunshot shaking the air and echoing for a full handful of seconds. Malcolm was on his feet a second later, rushing to one of the vacant windows.

One of the elite SysSols was on the ground, smoking and sparking, and the others were marching towards the plane. There was no sign of Rashii, but he was damn sure that it was her that had done that. Must have had a gun in the bottom of the plane or something, and a big one to cause a hole like that.

"Fuck, fuck, fuck, this isn't how I wanted to get back here..."

Getting back in his seat, he tapped the screen.

"AMI, wait to activate the jets until the SysSols are directly under the wings and the plane itself, then push at full blast for three seconds. Hold, then fire again in three second intervals."

"Acknowledged, Master Malcolm."

"Ah, we're going to be the hand of heaven, buffeting the soldiers beneath us. A nice strategy."

"Yeah, nice if it works," the mouse grunted as he pulled the notebook out from his bags. "If it doesn't, we're screwed."

What to write, what to write? He had to do something, but there wasn't much in the way of options on a plane. Yeah, he could initiate a last-minute group Mile High Club orgy, but that wasn't likely to work for anything. He doubted that the machines had much in the way of sexual instincts, and he was too afraid of them to think sexy about them. That left him little in the way of...

Wait.

He glanced at the plane, and then looked back out the window. There was another docked not far away, and he had heard of this sort of stuff. Could he...

Malcolm imagined it for a moment, and he felt the stirrings of a minor boner.

Good enough.

Turning to a clear page, he started to write.

I'd love to see two planes fucking each other, morphing to more humanoid shapes so that they can enjoy each other completely.

And no sooner had he written it than the plane they were on started shifting. At first, it was just the hoverjets, but as it went on, and their seats started to change places, rotating along with the tilting cabin, he knew that the transformation was afoot. Looking out the window, he saw that the beginnings of a breast bulge was growing out and around the side of the plane, and a set of arms were popping out above the wings. He tapped Taj with the notebook, and the tiger went from blase about it to staring wide-eyed.

"And I thought I couldn't feel anything anymore..."

"Well, you can feel it up later. Come on."

With the plane more upright than it had likely ever been before, it was a straight drop from their seat to the bottom of the plane. He shifted his weight, letting Taj get out of the seat first, and then moved to hang onto the bigger guy's arms. He got a good grip, and nodded.

They dropped down half the plane in one fell swoop, and when Taj yanked them to a stop on one of the other sets of seats, he almost lost his grip.

"Mmmph...less...less of a drop next time, please."

"I'll try."

They dropped only four rows the next time, and then another four, and so they proceeded down the rest of the plane. The other passengers were dangling from other seats throughout the plane, almost falling down when they tried to move, but none seemed to be aware of the vast shift to reality that had occurred. They just kept trying to make their way to the door, like passengers always had throughout the ages.

Finally, they reached the back of the plane, and Malcolm popped the door. The SysSols were gathered about twenty feet away, their guns aimed at the plane that was rolling onto its roof and spreading its forming legs, seemingly unaware of the plane that was still changing behind them.

Okay, they're aware of some changes, at least. That means Jonah's found a way to keep it from being hidden. Good to know.

He dropped out of the back door, hitting the ground about six feet below. Taj followed, and then Rashii was right behind them, as well. He almost yelped, and had to stuff a fist in his mouth to keep from shouting at her sudden appearance. The snake rolled her eyes, pulling the strap of a rifle almost as tall as she was over her shoulder.

"You think that I'm gonna let you sneak off?"

"How...the fuck...did you get that through airport security?"

"With Taj fondling anything with a pulse? Come on, you know I'm better than that."

She nodded towards the terminal.

"Let's get off of the tarmac before someone notices that we're not supposed to be here."

"Yeah...good idea."

They jogged away from the planes, and Malcolm did his best not to think about what the scraping of metal on metal meant as they approached one of the open doors at the ground level. While planes could look sexy, the actual act of metal on metal sex was still something that felt entirely weird. He shook his head, hurrying as fast as his legs would carry him.

They were just coming down the escalator into the baggage claim when he heard the clicks.

...Shit.

The escalator took them into a crowd of a dozen different SysSol robots, each one looking up with a blank face. Red lights peered out of mechanical frames, some of them emitting targeting lasers, while others were simply optical scanners. Malcolm didn't even have a chance to move before one shot at the railing beside him, blowing a fist-sized chunk out of it.

" Do not move. You are under arrest."

"Yes, that seems to be an appropriate response to returning to the scene of the crime," Taj muttered.

The three of them didn't move as the escalator brought them down, though he could hear Rashii muttering under her breath about what they should be doing. Shooting, probably, or running. Malcolm would have been in favor of either, if he thought that they could outpace the robots that were aimed at them. He was pretty sure that they were completely locked in, though, and he doubted that there would be such an easy way out, this time.

As they stepped off of the escalator, two more robots stepped forward, one of them holding out its steel hands for the Book. He hesitated for a moment, looking around for any sort of ideas.

" Hand over the Book, Malcolm."

He blinked at the slight shift at the sound, and looked up at the steel-plated, gun-toting monstrosity in front of him. There, in the corner of the red eyes, was just a hint of blue. AMI? he wondered. But he didn't have much choice. He'd just have to trust. The mouse handed over the notebook, and the robot slid backwards.

And with that, Jonah finally showed his face.

The stag stepped out of an elevator on the far side of the room, his own book tucked under his arm. For the first time, Malcolm had the chance to see Jonah in his full formal regalia, the stag dressed in a white suit that was more military officer than business tuxedo. It went from his neck to his boots in pure white with gold buttons, and the stag shook his head as he walked over to them.

"I'm glad to see a sense of contrition, though it is lessened by your...display, on the tarmac." Jonah sighed. "And here I thought you might be willing to see sense."

"I came here to ask for a favor."

"And yet, you started with disturbing the peace by...causing planes to have intercourse. With passengers still inside of them."

"I...you had soldiers ready to shoot me!"

"I had soldiers ready to take you into custody. There is a difference."

"I came here to talk!"

"And you are talking. More than you should."

The stag turned away from him, looking at Rashii. He looked like he was about to say something, but then turned to Taj instead.

"And what, may I ask, has happened to you?"

"An incident involving the Book of Death and being saved by the Book of Porn."

"Saving...I'd say that is debatable."

"I'd agree with you, in some ways."

"You have my sympathies."

Malcolm blinked. He hadn't expected that part to be as simple as it was turning out to be. He thought that he'd have to fight tooth and nail to have Jonah see even that much. The mouse opened his mouth -

"Not yet."

The stag held up a finger, keeping his eye on Taj. Jonah looked him over with a stare intense enough to leave Malcolm more than a bit uncomfortable, and it continued for over a minute before the ruler of System shook his head again.

"This is an abomination of a life. No wonder you've come back here."

"Then...You'll fix him?"

Jonah arched an eyebrow as he turned.

"Part of my very purpose is to heal those that need it. This...this is a horrible thing to look at, and something that I wish I had never seen."

"Gee, thanks," Taj muttered.

"But that will keep. First...we must speak of your punishment."

"...Punishment?"

Malcolm swallowed, particularly as the various robots all turned their guns on him again. He heard Rashii starting to cock her rifle, and suddenly, half of them shifted their aim before she could even get it aimed. Her glare was deadly enough that he felt a chill running down his spine, and he wasn't even the one that it was aimed at.

Eventually, she put the gun down, and stood behind him normally, her arms cross under her chest. Malcolm didn't even dare try and put his hands up. He felt like if he moved in the slightest, the robots would fire.

Jonah walked in front of them, taking the Book of Porn from the arms of the robot holding it. It was almost painful to see his Book in the hands of someone else, particularly someone else that he knew wanted to destroy it. Seeing the stag flip through the pages, his face falling and then twisting in disgust at some of the different things that were written in it, only made it more embarrassing.

"I knew that you were a deviant, Malcolm. I did not know that your imagination and libido stretched this far."

"Not all of those are mine, to be fair."

"Perhaps not, but they were all found...desirable by you, otherwise they wouldn't have worked."

"..."

"I must say, I thought that Greydrone had the most corrupted mind on the planet, to be able to kill so many in such a variety of ways. But this...this is sick. How would you find...this...enjoyable?"

"...You find ways to make it work?"

He shrugged, but it didn't take any of the anger off of the stag's face. Jonah shook his head.

"You will be taken into custody, and the Book of Porn handed to one of my subordinates. They will put you through as many different scenarios as you have put others through, or at least, as many as they can come up with. For you, however, you will be conscious of the fact that you are being made to do this. Perhaps, in some way, this might allow you to learn a lesson."

"...You...You can't be serious. Do you know how much is written in there?!"

"Enough to damn your soul to hell and back, I imagine. But you will suffer them all."

"But...but we just...You..."

"Now, take him into custody."

Two of the robots stepped forward, only to have their heads blown off. Malcolm's eyes went wide as they collapsed in piles of shredded, blasted, sparking metal.

"I think not."

"AMI?"

"Yes, Master Malcolm."

The robot that had the tint of blue in its eye had turned its guns to the other robots, and Jonah. Missile launchers, hand-cannons, and machine guns were leveled from all sorts of ports, each one armed and ready before the other robots could turn their bodies to face towards it. The stag looked at his robot, and then to the mouse.

"What did you do?"

"Uh, this one's not my fault."

"You know, these days, I would be surprised if ANYTHING going wrong in my lands wasn't your fault."

"I seriously don't know how this happened, exactly."

"Well, it will stop here."

Jonah ducked to the side at the same time one of his robots leaped in front of him. The metal hulk served as a shield, and the rest of the robots formed a defensive wall between him and AMI as 'she' let loose with all of her armament. The explosions started rattling the whole place, and Rashii dragged him back, throwing him to the ground and laying over him. Taj followed, laying over the both of them.

The explosions and gunshots lasted for a total of three seconds before it stopped. For a moment, he thought that maybe Jonah was dead...then he was proven wrong.

"As I thought. A corrupted AI. Nothing more, and nothing less."

No...

Malcolm wriggled free, looking up. The shell that had been AMI's latest body was limp, leaning forward and almost looking shutdown. The blue eyes were fading, turning red again, and there was no more of the softer sound that he'd heard. Instead, as the robot rebooted, it stood up and spoke like the others.

" Program purge complete. Attempted transmission of data cancelled."

"Destroy yourself. Don't let any possible fragment of the rogue program escape."

" Command acknowledged."

He was helpless to do anything but watch as the robotic shell superheated, and then exploded. Pieces of metal and smoky circuitry landed all about them, and the mouse slowly shook his head in utter shock at the sudden destruction of the robot, and...and the AI that had tried to save them.

The mouse and his friends could only stare as the other robots, the surviving four, rolled over to them and gathered them up. They were forced to their feet, and then marched towards the elevator. Jonah followed, shaking his head.

"I didn't want to do that. But I cannot allow such a threat to continue."

"AMI was a System program to begin with! She was one of your programs!" Malcolm shouted.

"Yes, and you were the one that twisted her. She was to serve one, helpful purpose, and you gave her the understanding of how to do things she was never meant to do. She didn't know how to tell what was acceptable to do, and what was not. She had the power and intelligence of a living being, but no conscience. Not yet. She was ready to kill anything, anywhere, if it meant protecting you. And that was too dangerous for me to allow a continued existence."

Malcolm shook his head. Everything had gone wrong, and he almost wished that Rashii would say 'I told you so.'

She didn't. None of them spoke as they were taken away. Everything, everything had gone wrong, and he couldn't see a way out.

The End