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BOOK ONE

It was a Sunday morning. Winter was coming up and it would have little effect on the San Diego weather. But the early mornings would be darker, and darker it was.

When Oliver awoke it was in Rian's arms. He couldn't have imagined any more comfortable a place. The skunk was still sleeping, his fur jet black, a stark contrast to the whitest of white of his sheets. In the bed it was cool and soft and there was only a thin comforter what with the oft-unbearable desert heat. He watched the rise and fall of Rian's small chest and smiled to himself. The little motions in that still form spoke of life once troubled now at peace. What wonder it is that all the worries of the world can be shrugged off in the bed of a loved one, he thought. He kissed Rian on the forehead and the skunk stirred for but a moment and then stilled again.

He heard a faint buzz and a blue light splashed up onto the ceiling, cast from the screen of his phone. Oliver plucked the device from the side table, more to stop the buzzing than anything. The screen bore a singular name, Jeff Phillips, his former roommate and one-time best friend. One-time? Oliver shook his head. Jeff was still his friend. Even if things were different now. He sighed, knowing nothing good could come of the phone call. He answered anyways.

"Jeff?"

"Hey foxy-boy, what's going on?" Jeff's voice came through the speaker loudly. Rian turned in his sleep.

"Quiet down, would you?" Oliver asked. His own voice stayed just above a whisper.

"Sheesh, what's the big deal?"

"Just quiet down."

"Whatever man. Listen, can you come to the door?"

"What are you talking about?"

"Your door, dude. I'm waiting outside. Please let me in. Do I have to ask a hundred times?"

"Jeff, what the hell are you doing outside my door?"

"Let me in, please?"

Oliver sighed, disgruntled.

"Give me a minute," he said.

"Don't be too long, man. I'm cold out here."

"It's what, sixty-five degrees outside?"

"A record cold, I know. Don't leave me out here to freeze."

Oliver hung up. The fox took pains to get out of bed quietly. He walked all the way to his apartment door before realizing he wasn't wearing anything. He cursed under his breath, picked up a pair of unwashed shorts and cinched them loosely about his waist. When he opened the door he found Jeff standing by the railing smoking a rolled cigarette. The wolf took one last drag and snubbed the butt against the rail and flicked it wasted and crumbling to the pavement below and blew the smoke out his nose.

"Jesus," he said, "Took you long enough."

"What do you want, Jeff?"

"I got no place to stay."

"What am I supposed to do about that?"

"I thought I'd stay with you."

"For how long?"

"A day? Maybe two? A week? Who knows?"

"Jeff..."

"C'mon Oli. I'd go somewhere else if I could, honest. But there's nowhere else for me to go."

Oliver stood with one hand against the doorframe. His chest rattled with suppressed anger. He took a moment to compose himself. Jeff was a friend. A friend asking a favor. Surely, if he were in the same situation, he wouldn't want to be turned away. Oliver had made a point of doing his very best to be hospitable, in all situations. Even situations involving Jeff, he thought drily. Trying to mask his air of reluctance, he let his arm drop from the frame and stepped out of the way.

"You can come in. But if you're here more than two days you're gonna have to go."

"Thank God. Oli lemme tell you, you're a life saver. You really are."

"Shut the hell up Jeff," Oliver said but a smile briefly tweaked his features.

Jeff immediately leapt upon the couch and stretched out and slung his pack to the floor. He ran a hand through his hair to brush it from his eyes.

"Did you just get that dyed?" Oliver asked. Jeff nodded, turned his head to show off the colors. The hair had been dyed a streak of bright green.

"Yesterday actually. Whaddya think?"

"Well... It suits you, I suppose."

"Suits me? What are you getting at?"

"Nothing," Oliver intoned dryly. Jeff furrowed his brow and followed the line of Oliver's eyes down to his shirt.

"So what, you wear one shirt with a pot leaf and you're suddenly huge into weed culture?" Jeff said.

"Your words, not mine."

"Well. I'm no stoner."

Oliver bent and picked up Jeff's pack and unzipped it. He reached inside and pulled out a shoddily constructed apple-bong and raised his eyebrows.

"I'm glad you like my hair," Jeff said, snatching the withered apple and stuffing it back into the pack. He put the pack by his feet. "But there is a difference between a smoker and a stoner."

"A fine line, I'm sure," Oliver said.

"Shut the fuck up."

"What are you doing here, Jeff? Why don't you have any place to stay?"

"My parents kicked me out. Something about twenty-five being too old to sit around their house and smoke all day and -- shut the fuck up, Oli -- and how I don't have a job or anything. They'll come to their senses eventually and let me back in."

"And if they don't?"

"Did I ever tell you how great of a friend you are?" Jeff said.

"Can't say that you have," Oliver replied. He shook his head and held his hand to his temple. "You know where everything is. Don't eat all of my food while I'm gone."

"What? Where are you going?"

"Back to bed," Oliver growled, the sleep filling his eyes once again. He shut the door and left Jeff in the living room and crawled back under the comforter with all the quiet he could manage but Rian was already awake. His eyes were open but only just so.

"Oli? What time is it?" he asked, dreams caught in his throat.

"Too early to be up," Oliver whispered. He kissed Rian and let his lips linger. When the kiss broke it was less an ending, more so a natural progression: the softness brushed from Rian's lips down the side of his face and his neck where he rested his head and let the kisses fade into sweet nothing. And he thought to himself, if a thing of beauty is a joy forever, let this then be an eternity.

Ashleigh was my girlfriend at the time; well, that's not putting it quite accurately -- we were engaged. It's not worth going into the details about how we met. It's almost not worth mentioning, except that she caused Rian and I a great deal of grief, too. She's a fantastic girl really, a fine specimen. A fox like myself. Only problem was that I was seeing her at the same time as I was seeing Rian. She had no idea, he completely knew, he hated it. Said it made him feel like some sort of whore. But I didn't know how to tell her about him. About how I needed to leave her. And so I put it off far longer than I should have. I doubt it would have saved him but who knows? Maybe he would have handled everything a little bit better if he'd known she wasn't a ticking time bomb.

It had been Ashleigh's idea to have the picnic. She insisted that there were places in San Diego where you could see past the smog into the stars, "Even if you have to drive a little past the suburbs." A little past the suburbs turned out to be much further than he would have thought, all the way past Alpine and then some. He wasn't convinced places that far deserved to be considered part of the county, may as well be left unmarked and unpopulated and they were very nearly that anyways. He wouldn't have been able to find himself on a map if he'd known where to look.

But Ashleigh had been right about the stars. Here so far from the inner-city district and its dirty-by-association neighbors, the sky was clear, the air was clean. There was a distinct coldness in that clean air and it stung him a little to breathe but he could never remember having tasted air that fresh before. The sky was blacker than night and it felt as if the whole atmosphere had vanished a ways out into their drive. It looked as though he were standing on the rim of outer space itself. The stars closest to his grasp still light years beyond comprehension. It made his head spin.

They sat on a blanket and had already eaten dinner so for the picnic they'd brought a bottle of wine. He couldn't attest to knowing anything about wine or any alcohol for that matter, going so far as to admit that "I choose what to drink based on the bottle." To that end, it was a damn fine looking bottle of wine, slender and tapering and with a minimalist design for the label. It was a white wine which both he and Ashleigh preferred. He couldn't claim to be much of a drinker but knew that white was easier to get down than red or at least that's what he told his friends.

They didn't quite finish the bottle. After a few glasses each, both pleasantly buzzed, they fell into pointing out the stars and telling jokes and basking in each other's goodwill.

"That's Orion, right?" she asked, pointing.

"Oh yeah, way to go. Name the most obvious of constellations," he said. She laughed.

"At least I know more than the Big and the Little Dipper," she looked back up and then stopped. "Er, wait, I swear I know where they are..."

He laughed then, "Forget it," and she pouted. "It's not important anyways."

"I guess not," she acquiesced.

"Come here," he said.

"I am here."

"Come closer."

"I can't get much closer."

"Just try."

"Like this?"

"Perfect."

"I can't say I've ever done this before."

"It's not that difficult."

"I'm not too worried."

"Then why mention it?"

"I just didn't want you to worry about me or anything. I'm not like that."

"I don't think you are."

"And you?"

"I'm not like that either."

"But you've..."

"Once or twice. It didn't mean anything."

"Okay."

"Okay?"

"Yeah. That feels a little weird."

"Just takes some getting used to is all."

"Aren't you the expert?"

"I told you already. It's not like that."

"I'm only teasing. Oh! That's new."

"You all right?"

"Yeah, I'm fine."

"Tell me if you're not."

"No no, I am."

"All right."

"Oli?"

"Yeah?"

"I think I'm in love with you."

"Oh."

"Oh?"

" 'I'm only teasing.' I'm in love with you too, darling."

"That's a rotten trick to play."

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I love you Ashleigh, honest."

"You mean it?"

"Honest."

"Okay. Oh!"

"Should I stop?"

"No no no. Please, I'm having a good time."

"I love you Ashleigh."

"I love you too, Oli."

Jeff tried watching the TV but there was nothing on. Nothing good ever came on this early. He rifled through Oliver's pantry but couldn't find anything good there either. Things were taking a turn for the dour. Jeff resigned himself to his fate.

He unzipped his pack and took hold of the apple-bong. A little mushy, but his piece was missing and he didn't want to roll. Within minutes he was drifting away from the normal consciousness, drifting off and off and off. The smell filled the apartment rank and sweet and overbearing. Oliver would have liked to catch up on sleep but the distinct smell woke him, his nose wrinkling. He climbed back out of bed and stormed into the living room. The smell nearly overpowered him.

"Jeff! What the hell?"

"Oh, hey Oli," Jeff said.

"Out."

"Wh-What's up dude?"

"Get out. Come back in when you're done."

Oliver gathered up his friend and his belongings and ushered them out of the apartment. He left them dumped on the doorstep. When he'd shut the door he headed to the nearest windows and opened them all.

"God, this smell will never leave," he muttered, wafting the air towards the openings.

"Oliver? What's going on?" Rian stood in the doorway to the bedroom dressed in nothing but an untied bath robe.

"It's nothing. A friend of mine being an idiot."

"You had friends over?"

"Just one. That's what was going on earlier."

"Oh. Smells like --"

"Marijuana? Hell, I don't know why I put up with him sometimes. I thought he'd grown up at least a little."

"You know I don't mind. Where's he now?"

"Outside."

"Isn't that dangerous? He could fall over the railing."

"He's got some sense in him."

"His mind is impaired."

Oliver marched back to the door and opened it. Jeff was sitting with his back to the wall and staring up at the ceiling. He seemed distracted. But when he saw Oliver he spoke up.

"You know, it's a little ironic that you're kicking me out for smoking in the house but a skunk in the living room is no big deal."

"There's no smoking in my house. You know that."

"Whatever."

Oliver shut the door and turned back to Rian.

"He looks fine to me. I'll let him back in when he's a little more clear-headed."

"You sure?"

"He'll be fine, he's not stupid. Come on, don't you want to shower?"

"You read my mind."

He stripped himself of the shorts and turned the shower water on hot. It sputtered at first but began to fall in torrents. Rian stepped under the water and immediately began to wash himself.

Oliver said, "Not gonna wait for me? We're in a drought you know."

"Get in here then," Rian smirked.

"Oof! It's hot!"

"It's not that bad."

"No, but it's hot. We've got things hot enough as it is out here."

"If you want to take a cold shower you're not taking it with me."

"The idea never even crossed my mind."

"I can't reach this spot. Can you help me clean it?"

"But of course. There. That should do it."

"Thanks. Do you need me to wash you?"

"You're just itching to help out, aren't you?"

"Itching to help you, that is."

"That feels very nice."

"I'm glad you like it. Let me rinse the soap out of your fur."

"It's gonna take a little while for all of that to get out."

"I can wait," Rian's arms snaked around his neck. He pulled himself close, their muzzles touching. Oliver felt the skunk's tail brushing the side of his leg. Even wet and soaked and heavy he felt good this close to Rian. They began to kiss.

"How's that?" Rian said.

"It's very nice."

"Are you telling the truth?"

"It feels great. Honest."

"Sometimes you say that and I'm not sure if you're telling the truth."

"Of course I am," Oliver said. He gripped Rian firmly around the waist and pressed him against the wall of the shower. "How much proof do you need?"

"Sometimes I'm unconvinced."

"How about now?"

"A little more convincing, to be sure."

"I'm sure I can be persuasive enough to change your mind."

"Oh -- Oli, no. Not now."

"What?"

"Your friend's still outside. I'd feel awful if we -- Well, we've got to wrap up this shower and let him back inside."

"All right."

"Don't be mad."

"Mad?" Oliver kissed the skunk as deeply as he could, "I'm as far from mad as I'll ever be."

He was glad of one thing, and it was that he didn't have to work today. Truly the possibilities seemed endless. And though he knew he'd probably waste the day at home alone there was very little that could bother him about that. Oliver worked a day job at Renee's Cafe, a position that he'd earned easily considering their friendship and brief history together. He was earning more than minimum wage for the first time in his life, but more than anything he was just happy to leave his previous job behind. Before this he'd manned a shave ice stand, serving the Hawaiian dessert to the masses in an El Cajon parking lot. The heat was the worst part. The stand was perpetually hotter than the world outside -- bad when temperatures rose over a hundred. If not the heat it was the way the sticky syrups and sugar water constantly matted his fur. Or the bees. Never before had he seen so many bees! None of them could explain it but everyone offered the guess that they were attracted to the sugar. It didn't explain why they'd been there the second year but never during the first. With his new job he didn't have to worry about any of that and he was making enough money to eke out a more than miserable existence. Rian was his roommate now; he figured that with their new arrangement it would be easier to live together. And Rian's living was bringing in at least as much as his own. Together they'd managed. Together they would see things through.

"You're up and at it again awfully quickly," Oliver said. "It's been, what, an hour since I kicked you out?"

"Shitty weed, dry weed," Jeff said, "And a fucked up bong. Didn't get much high."

"Right. Well."

"Well?"

"Nothing."

"Can I come back in?"

"Are you going to stop smoking in my apartment?"

"Yeah yeah. Stop lecturing me about it."

"It's my apartment. I can lecture all I want."

"It was shitty weed anyways."

Jeff stepped back inside just in time to watch Rian walk out into the bedroom, still damp after blow-drying himself all over. The wolf dropped his voice to a low whisper.

"Oh shit, I almost forgot about him."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"It's just a little weird, Oli. Okay? It's weird."

"Who are you to judge?"

"Shit man, you're...You're gay! That's just mind-boggling. I've known you for so long."

"I'm not gay. I've only ever dated women before. Rian's an exception. It's --What the hell am I trying to justify this to you for?"

"That's what I've been trying to figure the fuck out."

"I'm just trying to be happy."

"Be happy then, I guess. But like hell I wanna see you flaunting that fag in my face."

"You're the one in my apartment. No one's flaunting. And don't call him a fag!"

"It's what he is."

"If you don't quiet down you're leaving for good."

"Sorry. I'm sorry. I didn't mean it."

"What's so different about him from any of us, anyways?"

"Aside from the fact that he fucks dudes?"

"Yes Jeff. Aside from that."

"I really didn't think I'd have to say anything else. Because that's fuckin' gross."

"To you it is. To some it isn't."

"I can't wrap my mind around this. I mean, you and him... like... fucking each other. That's disgusting, bro."

"You're really pushing it now."

"Why's he here anyways?"

"He fucking lives here, Jeff."

"Shit, you moved in together?"

"Do you ever listen? I told you that already."

"What about Ashleigh?"

Oliver sighed loudly.

"I have to tell her, I guess."

"She still doesn't know? Fuckin' A, man! That's mistake numero uno!"

"I'm very well aware."

"You still bangin' her too?"

"Not... Not recently. Not recently enough, anyways."

"This is beginning to sound shadier and shadier by the minute, bro."

"I'm waist deep in this as it is. I'll sort things out soon enough."

"I wouldn't wait too long. You could wind up ruining both options. And then where'd you be? Fucking Renee again?"

"She doesn't date guys anymore."

"She turned too? Fuckin' excellent, man."

"She hasn't been dating guys for years. I was the last."

"The hell?" he scratched his head. "You've got to be kidding me. That was years ago."

"Yes, well, I'm sorry you can't pay attention. You're awfully narrow- minded sometimes."

"You all make it hard for me sometimes."

"At any rate, that ship has sailed. I'm not ready for something like that again."

"Don't you miss dating a wolf? Huh? We're pretty great."

"Renee is pretty great. But I didn't love her."

"You love him?" Jeff jerked his thumb at the skunk who emerged, fully clothed and drying. Oliver pushed the hair from out of his eyes.

"I sure hope that I do."

"Oh, hey Jeff," Rian said.

"Hi," Jeff's voice came out awkward and short. "Um. How's it going?"

"Things are fine, thank you for asking. Yourself?"

"Uh. Pretty good. Sucked any good cock lately?"

Rian's head snapped to Oliver's, eyes staring daggers.

"Why is he still here?" the skunk's voice came grating.

"I've been asking myself the same question."

"Guys! Guys! I'm sorry. Um. I didn't mean it. A little joke. I'm sorry," Jeff said.

"You're looking awfully nervous," Rian said, "I hope it's not because of me."

"No no. Course not."

"Jesus, Jeff. You're quaking like a pup. Sit down and man the fuck up."

"Sorry bro, I'm sorry! I'm just not used to this, okay?"

"Used to what?"

"You know..." he glanced sidelong at Rian and then back at Oliver.

Rian snorted and turned away.

"Please do something about this, Oli," Rian said.

"Jeff, listen to me. Be cool or you're out. This is your final warning."

"Okay. Okay. I'm sorry."

Rian took Oliver aside, into the other room.

"You're letting him stay?" Rian hissed.

"I can't turn him away. You know I can't."

"It's not ideal, but he's not making things easy for himself."

"He's being a pain in the ass, sure, but he's just like that sometimes. He'll calm down. I promise."

"Promise me that you'll make him leave if he keeps on."

"I can't put him out on the street."

"Promise me Oli. I can't... I can't put up with this sort of thing."

"Are you crying? Please don't cry."

"I'm sorry. I'm not crying," Rian rubbed his arms self-consciously. "I'm not."

"Okay Rian. I promise. One more slip up and he's gone."

"Thank you," Rian's voice had dropped, husky and low. "Thank you."

Jeff approached the dormitory room and stopped and waited. The door was closed. This was a new phenomenon. Oliver never closed the door. It was always kept open and music pumping forth and visitors dropping in and out at will. Now he'd have to bother to unlock the door himself. He put down his groceries and dug around in his pockets for a key. He found it and stuck it into the lock and was about to turn it when he stopped again and listened. Tell-tale moans and yips sounded through the solid oak of the door and shed light on the truth of the situation. Sly motherfucker, Jeff thought. Good on you. He took the key from the lock without turning it and waited and thought, I'd pay a pretty penny to see what's going on in there. And then he thought, Is that weird? and assured himself that it was all right before he stepped away. The groceries could wait. He would give the fox his time in the sun before he went back inside, as he hoped the fox would do for him.

Should I be so lucky, Jeff thought.

He began to wonder who Oliver might be busy with. Which girls had he been actively pursuing? Had he been actively pursuing anyone? And which girls might be interested in him? Jeff could think off the top of his head of a hundred other guys on campus more immediately appealing than his bland roommate. Himself included. No matter, he thought, I'll find out soon enough.

Rian held Oliver's hands and trembled. His breath fell in quivering piles upon the fox's shoulders.

"Oliver, I -- I'm scared..."

"You're scared? Haven't you done this before?"

Rian shook his head and hoped his lover wouldn't see the tears.

"Well, I mean, I have. But not in a long long time... And never with anyone but..."

"If it makes you feel any better, I've never done this either."

"Not even with a girl?"

"With a few, but that's different. Isn't it?"

"It might be a little. I've never done that."

"Are you all right?"

"I'm fine. Please don't worry about me. This is something I've been wanting for a while."

"And so have I, but there's no shame in waiting."

"I stopped us last time too. I think I'm just scared... It's been too long."

"I'll take things slowly if you want."

"Oh, thank you, thank you. Be careful but please don't let me stop you like last time."

"Of course."

"Oh God -- Oh, I love you Oli. Have I told you that before?"

"I'm not sure you have."

"Well it's true. Oh, I love you Oli. I love you."

"I love you too."

"Do you really mean it? I mean -- oh, Oli -- I mean, you're not just saying it?"

"Of course not. I mean it more than anything. I love you Rian."

They made love. A melodious moment. A forbidden harmony soaring high above the chorus of common notes. Theirs was the only song worth singing. Theirs was the purest tone.

And come morning there was not a soul happier than the one so tenderly cradled in the crook of a misguided lover and not a mind more befuddled than the one first waking in a new lover's arms.

I, for one, cannot ever recommend you fall in love if you can avoid it. Every one of my biggest mistakes has been made in the name of love and what do I have to show for it? Renee was not love. Not ever was that love. Both of us had been lonely and horny for far too long and our relationship existed solely for the fuck. The pity fuck, the anger fuck, the "it's-been-six-hours-since-we-last-fucked" fuck. We were strung out and stressed in those college years and fucking was all that we had. Not that it wasn't fun or anything. Fucking together was some of the best fun either of us ever had. But it wasn't love. And it only masked our problems. Ashleigh? Well I think my thing with Ashleigh was more than anything a desperate attempt to prove that yes I can hold a steady relationship if I want to. I never loved her but she was pretty and she had good goals and a good shot at success. I think she made me feel normal. I never felt very normal when I was alone but I never felt that normal when I was with her either and in the end it caused me nothing but heartache. Rian was when I began to feel normal but that didn't work because I only felt normal when I was around him. Around anyone else and I felt distant. I guess they were surprised by it. Never realizing that I would be the kind of guy willing to date another man. It caught them off guard and they felt awkward around me. And Rian was a disaster from the beginning. I just wish I could have known that before I got myself into it. Because if there's any one of them that I can really say I loved, it was him. Oh God. We deserved better than that. We all do.

Oliver? He's interesting. No I haven't dated much before, but he hasn't either. He's interesting though. I don't think most guys would be like him. Clearly he has a lot of potential. I mean he's really smart, and he can be creative. It's drive that he lacks. I've seen him seize up sometimes and not want to do anything. I've known him to ignore me, some days. But I don't blame him. I don't want to make things worse for him. I'm no psychiatrist and the mind is by no means my field of study, but I sometimes think he's a little unbalanced. Don't get me wrong, not enough to really make a difference... I don't think it's enough to be called clinical depression, but it's something part of the way there. At least, that's how it seems sometimes. Maybe I'm just mistaking his withdrawn character for something it isn't. But he goes through periods of shyness and quiet and those are when I worry. But he's something else. I've not seen him get passionate about much but he has the capacity. I've caught hints of that capacity, especially when we... Well, suffice it to say I've noticed it before. He gets philosophical too. I don't know if he realizes the way he makes little philosophical digs in his common speech. Sometimes he asks deep questions. Just out of the blue. One minute it's "What should we have for dinner?" and the next it's "What happens when we die?" No, it's not really that extreme, but I'm painting a picture here. Got to take liberties. Not that there's anything wrong with any of that. Oliver's a unique little guy but I love him. I wouldn't change a thing about him and I love him. I really do. And he seems to love me too.

"This is going to be excellent, man, fuckin' excellent," Jeff said. Oliver stood by his side and Renee next to him. They were against the wall, a support holding up a balcony just over their heads. On the stage stood Fades Into Nothing -- Duke's band, and the band they were here to see. SOMA was their favorite venue -- Oliver was partial to the House of Blues, but SOMA had a little more of a raw intimacy. After concerts they always walked down the street to the In-N-Out. "Good burgers," Oliver said. Jeff said, "'Shut the fuck up, Donny.'"

If anything got Oliver impassioned, it was music. Try as he might, he couldn't keep himself from tapping his foot along to the beat. If the band was particularly good he'd even get up in the crowd, get thrown around a little. It was fun and even cathartic. It was a release of all of his pent-up energy. The violent surging of a crowd, shoving each other and pulsing with the music. The weightlessness when he was lifted and carried. The perpetual motion when the crowd went spinning. The sense of brotherhood -- he remembered one occasion when a friend had dropped his glasses, the crowd had ceased moshing and all bent to find the glasses, and, upon returning them, immediately broke out into violent release. The only thing he could compare it to was sex, and for someone who didn't have a stable sexual life, the release a concert could provide was absolutely vital.

When Rian came along he didn't go to as many concerts. His friends invited him and he more often than not turned them down. They noticed, but couldn't understand. He wouldn't want them to understand anyways. It wasn't theirs to know. It wasn't theirs to own.