FSE

Furry search engine

formerly SoFurry search engine

"Oh, hey Oliver. Come in on your day off, I see. What'll it be? 'My choice?'" Renee smiled at him.

They'd had a game going on ever since Renee opened the coffee shop. They called it 'my choice,' because it meant Renee got to guess what he'd like to drink. If what she made struck his fancy he'd leave an extra dollar in the tip jar. One time Renee had simply poured him a tall glass of water; although water was offered free, it had been a particularly hot day, and the thought so made him laugh that he accepted the glass of water and paid his tip with a grin.

"Sure, I guess," he said. He wore a smile but wore it worriedly.

"What's on your mind?" she asked.

"I'm concerned about Rian."

"You poor sweet darlings. Always coming to me concerned about each other. If I didn't know better I'd say you two might actually be a good fit."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"A joke, that's all. Come on, don't pretend it's not unlikely."

"I never saw it coming."

"Exactly! Anyways, he must see something in you. Have you improved in bed at all?"

"Renee!"

"Joking, again," she grinned wickedly. "But I'm allowed to poke fun at you. As your boss and your ex-lover. I can have all the fun with you I want."

"That's not fair."

"Life's not fair, sweetie. Here you go."

She handed him the drink. A cappuccino. Rian's favorite.

"You did that on purpose, didn't you?" he said.

"I have no idea what you mean," she winked.

"He's having a very hard time of it all, though."

"What sort of a hard time?"

"I can see. He's trembling a lot more these days. It's all I can do to keep him from relapsing. And besides, my -- well, my other business isn't helping."

"You're still seeing that Ashleigh girl? That is a rotten business!"

"I know. But I can't help it."

"If I were Rian I'd have left you by now."

"You did leave me," Oliver reminded.

"That was different. And you left just as much as I did."

"Well, it happened. But I want him to get better."

"You leave that Ashleigh. Then everything gets better, I'm sure. Maybe not completely, but enough."

"I know it will. I just don't know how."

"You'll figure it out. If you care about him, you'll do it though."

"That's just it. I do care about him, but I don't know how to."

"You will. I'm sure," Renee looked down at the tip jar.

"Now," she said, "I'm pretty sure you owe me something..."

The fox dug around in his pockets and withdrew enough money for the drink and enough for a healthy tip. He put five dollars in her jar.

"Thank you, sir," she said. "Enjoy that nine dollar cappuccino."

"All the money makes its way back to me in the end," he said, leaving the store. "I've got bigger things to worry about."

She shook her head.

"Best of luck, friend," she said. "Best of luck."

If time healed all wounds, he wasn't sure what was happening now. It seemed like things were getting worse with time. He'd still been meeting with Ashleigh. Things were profoundly different with them, whether or not she cared. When he was with her he thought about other things -- about music, and about Rian, and about literature. About religion. It seemed all very perverse. When they kissed he felt nothing. Perhaps nothing had ever been. He could only think of one kiss -- so long ago, on a pier at the beach.

He'd spent a lot of time alone. He thought a lot about making love and about how different it had been with Rian. With him it had meant something. With Ashleigh it was just chemistry. Just nothing. He doubted she even felt anything by now. He wondered how he compared to Colin, that other love of Rian's. Did Rian prefer him to Colin? He hoped so. The thoughts made him uncomfortable.

Although he divided his time between work and Rian and Ashleigh, all he could think about was Rian. Just another reason why he needed to leave her. He'd promised that he would as soon as he got back. Rian never pushed it though. Maybe he felt too embarrassed about having drunk so much. He never mentioned Ashleigh.

Oliver began to know a loneliness like no other and the emptiness would strike him unbidden. He knew the temporary relief he could find in the arms of a loved one would give him nothing. He pulled himself up from Ashleigh's arms.

"No," he said.

He was nearly as stunned as she was.

"W-What?"

"No. We can't. I mean, I'm not --"

"Oliver. What is going on?"

"Nothing. I just can't do this."

"Oliver."

"Please don't make me feel guilty. I have my reasons," he rolled out from under her and donned his shirt. She reached out a hand to stay him, and kissed him again. Her desire radiated like heat waves.

"Come on Oli. Please," she bit her lip, "For me."

He had to make his decision. And now. Neither outcome was good. And to think -- a year ago he would have killed to be with her where he was now. And yet here he was. Things had changed all right and he couldn't go on with this.

"I'm sorry," he spoke as delicately as possible, extricating himself from her grasp. "I'm sorry."

"You're sorry? What's this all about? You've been acting strangely for ages now."

"I'm sorry."

"Dammit Oli," her voice quavered, "I need this."

"I know you do. But I can't help it."

"Then tell me. What's been going on?"

"It's... It's Rian."

"Rian?"

"Yeah. Rian."

"The skunk, you mean?"

"Yeah."

"So what are you saying."

"He's not... He's not just a friend."

"My God. What are you saying."

"Ashleigh, listen here."

"Oh my God! Get off me."

"Hey, listen..."

"And for how long?"

"That's not important."

"It is."

"I don't know. Nearly a year?"

"My God."

"I'm really sorry."

"I've slept with you in the same bed that you and he-- Fuck! I can't believe this."

"I'm really sorry."

"You're disgusting, Oliver."

"I did care about you."

"Oh did you? I suppose that's why you proposed to me. I suppose that's why you had to have your filthy little two-bit whore on the side."

"Please don't talk about him like that."

"Oh, you'll defend him, but you don't even care how I feel?"

"Of course I care how you feel. Why else would I try to tell you this?"

"To mess with me? I don't know. It all seems like some rotten joke."

"I wish it were a joke."

"My God. I'm disgusted. How could you have touched me after that?"

"I'm sorry."

"No, you're not sorry. You're leaving."

"Okay. Okay. I'm leaving."

"Don't think it's over yet. I'm coming with you."

"What? What for?"

"I need to give that skunk a piece of my mind."

"Please don't. I don't think he could handle that."

"I'm sorry but you should have thought about that before you fucked him behind my back."

Ashleigh was furious. She stuffed Oliver into her car and she drove him hastily back to the fox's apartment. When the door opened Jeff and Rian were sitting on the couch watching the television and Ashleigh walked up and slapped Rian clear across the face. He didn't know what was happening at first and Jeff stood up quickly. Ashleigh stared at Jeff and the wolf wasn't sure if he should hit her or not. Oliver shook his head. Jeff just stared back at her. Rian got up from the couch and tried to conceal his tears and stalked away.

"Don't think you've been hurt," she called. "That's nothing compared to what's happened to me."

"Lay off him," Jeff said.

"Fuck you," Ashleigh said. She looked at Oliver. "And you..."

She couldn't finish what she was saying. She began weeping.

"You're beastly," she choked. She walked away but only got as far as the front door before sitting down.

"I'm sorry," he said. She ignored him and went on crying right there in front of him.

"Well?" she said, after a moment. "Aren't you going to go help him? He's on his own in there. Or are you going to prolong my suffering?"

"Ashleigh, don't do this."

"Fine. I'll do it for you. Goodbye Oliver," she stood and walked to her car and got in. She didn't start it but sat and cried.

"Dude," Jeff breathed. "Dude."

"Shut up," Oliver said. "What am I supposed to do?"

"Find Rian, I guess."

"Right," Oliver went into the bedroom for Rian. "Right."

She'd been so angry the night before. So angry. And for what? For forgetting about their date? That was nothing. He'd done worse than that. But she was so angry. And he'd not seen Rian since college. Surely it had been a sign or something. Why else would he bump into him after so long? He shouldn't be talking to Rian again but he felt so lonely. And he'd sounded so willing to come over... He opened the front door.

Rian stood, one hand still raised from the knocking. It dropped quickly. The fox scanned him, eyes flitting over his body. Loose khaki pants, sandals, a green T-shirt. He wore a long sleeved cotton shirt under the tee. It was much less formal than he remembered Rian wearing. Maybe he remembered wrong. Even in casual dress he looked good. He looked very slender, as though he might have lost some weight since college -- not that he'd needed to. He'd always been thin. Rian's spindly glasses perched on his nose and his hair was clean but disheveled. He must not have combed it.

He said, "Um."

Oliver didn't have a response.

He said, "Hi."

Oliver responded, "Hello."

He rubbed his arm.

"Can I come in?"

"Of course," Oliver stood aside. The skunk stepped over the threshold.

"Oliver. It's been a while."

"Yeah. It really has."

"What's going on?"

"I don't know. Not much."

"Same."

"You're not -- you're not still seeing --"

"Oh," Rian looked down. "No."

"I'm sorry."

"It's okay."

"I didn't mean to pry."

"You're not seeing anyone?"

Oliver blinked. He said,

"No. It's been complicated."

"Sorry," Rian responded.

Oliver was struck by how quiet the skunk was. He'd not been quite so soft spoken in college. His quiet made him seem smaller. Oliver found himself missing the skunk. So much had changed. So many years had gone by...

"I missed you," Rian said. And he realized he couldn't keep any of it to himself. He had loved Rian once. In truth he'd never stopped loving Rian; over the years he'd just suppressed the feeling. The words themselves were not what had convinced him. It was that Rian had spoken them. He remembered something from long ago, and he thought to himself, Are you a man, or a god? He acted on pure instinct, doing only what he felt he must.

Oliver slid one arm around Rian's waist and stepped forward, drawing the skunk in closer. He acted too quickly for Rian to react. Before even Oliver really knew what he was doing, the two were kissing. He thought, If I am a god, I am an impulsive one.

He took it as a good sign that Rian did not resist or immediately pull away. For a few moments they were spared any discomfort. All was warmth and peace and content. And then they came to their senses. Oliver pulled back almost as soon as Rian did. The skunk's gaze clattered to the ground. He rubbed his arms again and his voice, though small, broke when he talked.

"Oliver. What are you doing?"

No reply came. The words caught in his throat when he tried to talk. Rian's shame was apparent. He could not even look him in the eye. He continued rubbing.

"Oliver. What is this? Do you still like me?"

His voice was so small that the fox marvelled he could hear it at all. He said,

"I didn't mean to hurt you, Rian."

"Why did you just do that?"

"I hope I haven't made a mess of things."

"Why did you do that?"

He caught his breath. Should he really pursue him? Ashleigh was gone right now. She'd be back tonight, or perhaps tomorrow if he knew her well enough. Kissing Rian had been bad enough, but...

"Um. Can I get you drink? I don't know what I have, but..."

"I don't drink anymore. Why did you kiss me?"

Oliver poured a glass of water and gave it to Rian. Rian's shaking hands spilled a few drops but he took the glass and took a swallow.

"Are you okay?" Oliver asked.

"I don't know. Confused. Scared. Otherwise okay."

"I'm sorry for acting rashly. For some reason I thought it would work."

"He was awful."

"Excuse me?"

"Colin. I don't know. I think he reminded me of you. But he was awful."

"Oh."

"I had no say in anything with him around," Rian finished the water. "It was a very toxic relationship. I was happiest when I was with you and I found myself missing that brief time together. But I think that was only the drink."

"I'm not sure."

"I'm quite sure," Rian looked him in the eye. "I'm quite sure."

"Aren't you willing to try again?"

"Don't tempt me Oliver, you're almost as awful as he was."

"I'm sorry. I'll let you go."

"Oh, don't you understand? I want you so. That's never changed. From the day you left I've wanted you."

"Then we'll be together."

"Yes. We shall."

Rian poured and drank another glass of water and then stared long past the rim into the bottom.

"You're aware, Oliver, that we can't actually be together."

Oliver's ears drooped.

"You're giving me very mixed signals," he said.

"It's only that I want to be together," Rian explained, "But it's only that we can't."

"Why not?"

"I'm not sure. I just have this awful feeling about it."

"You mustn't have that feeling then."

"I can't help it. I feel it always."

"Have you felt it long?"

"Always. But not when we kissed."

"Then kiss me again."

"How was it then?"

"A little better. But now you've stopped and it's back."

"Now?"

"Oh, keep your lips there. There on mine. Oh, Oliver. Oh, love. I've missed you."

"I've missed you too. Do you feel better?"

"Only while we kiss."

"Then I mustn't stop kissing you."

"Why, it's so simple when you say it like that."

"I'll just go on kissing you and we'll never stop."

"You've made it all so understandable. Go on then. I so love your feel."