Ch.23
Wherein feelings are discussed
--Trainer--
It had been a decent two week break, trainer battles had seemed to go our way, and even with the expense of the hotel room we’d managed to come out ahead, in more ways than one. Cocoa and I had kept up our training, and really perfected the punch she threw in the gym battle. Mira and Claire kept working on the psychic training with me, and Tempest had begun to incorporate a lot of acrobatic movements into the fights she could, and delivering blows from above. It seemed she learned a few tricks from taking on that steelix!
Still, I knew it was about time to go, so we checked out, and got back on the road. The weather had held, drying the sands back out, and for the first time in a long time, it was Claire and I, alone on the road while the others rested.
She kept me amused, and aroused with a quiet probing, lewd questions about what kinds of human girls I liked. She laughed, but took my hand, giving it a gentle squeeze when I finally answered that it seemed a little plain and ordinary compared to how wonderful it was to have her in bed.
“Charmer.” She teased, looking up at me with bright eyes. “Have we really ruined human girls for you?” She asked, tilting her head.
“Ruined? I don’t know. But you definitely changed the rules of the competition. I don’t know if anyone else would be able to keep up.” I replied, squeezing her dainty hand in mine. “And honestly? I’m okay with that. How could I not be? Even if it was just us, I know you’d make me happy and content.”
She blushed at that, but smiled and was quiet, a few more miles disappearing beneath our feet before she had anything else to say. When she did it was, for the first time in a long time, halting, unsure. Even… awkward.
“I’ve always…” She paused, tugging me to a stop. “I’ve always wanted to try.” She shook her head, smiling up at me. “A human girl. So that’s why. Ever since I was little. I…”
I grinned at that, and scratched behind her ear. “Fair enough. Ever since you brought home Tempest, I’ve been wanting to fuck a lopunny.” I replied, as she giggled.
“You know, before I met you I knew a few. They’d all have done it, just to gossip about it later. And they’d have all tried to outdo each other, too.” She said with a grin. “A shame I didn’t know, I’d have been on the lookout for you.”
“Lopunny orgy. Add it to the to-do list.” I said, with a teasing smirk. “Right after live forever, and take over the world.” I paused, ruffling her fur, before scooping her up, cradling her in my arms for a little while as I walked. “But a human girl hm? What kind of girls do you like?”
She fell quiet a moment, her ears falling back in deep embarrassment, but after it passed she grinned, and shook her head. “Older women. Confident ones. Like… like the gym leader from before. I … I want someone like that to use me. Like you do.” She said, avoiding my gaze. “I want you both to.” She admitted, with a fresh wave of vivid embarrassment flooding our mental contact with hues of shamed purple.
“Might be hard to convince someone to do that.” I said, nuzzling her cheek. “But I can’t imagine it would be impossible. Could even be fun. But …” I smiled, kissing her nose. “I have no idea how to go about it, so we’re going to have to figure it out together.”
She laughed at my next thought, and finished it for me. “A personal ad, huh? What, trainer seeks older woman for mentoring of pokemon, must wear leather? Oh come on. Be serious, master!”
“Alright, fine. Add in ‘long term position requires extensive travel’.” I smirked, before setting her down again. “Really though, I can’t imagine where we’d find someone who… is like us. It’s not like we can just out and out tell the world what’s really going on.”
She sighed at that, but took my hand again. “Someday, maybe. I… I want the world to know. You’re my master, and my mate. I chose that. Why should I have to hide it?” She asked, sullen and frustrated. “At least I don’t have to hide it from you.”
“Never from me. You’re my first love, my beloved, my partner. Honestly, you’re a lot of very happy memories of first experiences. No matter what else we get into, we’ll always be together.” I answered, stopping us both to hug her tight. “I love you, Claire. With all my heart.”
“I love you too.” She whispered, for only me to hear. “Someday though… I want to find a place where we can just be who we are. I want to find a way to change the world, so every pokemon out there can do so if they want.”
“I’ll add it to the to-do list… at the top.” I said, and meant it. Even if I had no idea how we could do that. It meant the world to her, and it meant the world to me for her. I was perhaps not fine with having to keep it all hidden, but it hadn’t occurred to me to not be fine with it before. It was just how things were, much like Cocoa being born into a farm. I was born into a world where some things just weren’t okay.
“Even if we never do… I... “ She hesitated, a long moment passing with only static in place of her thoughts, like a radio struggling to pick up a signal. Discordant, frustrated, almost pained. “When we finally settle down… you know? I … want to…” She shook her head, I could feel her embarrassment, so strong it creeped into every aspect of her, again tinting my vision with phantom colors. She faltered, and stared up at me.
“Damn it!” She exclaimed, her hands reaching up to pat her cheeks. “I practiced this and everything! I want you to be the father to my children!” She finally said in a rush, ears pinned flat to her head in embarrassment. She hesitated a moment, squeezing my hands. “It’s not just me, either. I know… I know Tempest feels the same. Probably we all do, in some way. And… And I know it can’t be literal. I wish it could. I wish so much it could. But even so… you’re the one I want.”
I just chuckled, scooping her up and touching my nose to hers. She squeaked as I held her, but her violet eyes met mine, and she offered a shy smile. “And I know it’s a long way away…” She started, but I interrupted her with a gentle kiss.
“We’re going to have a very busy little home someday.” I said, my hand brushing against her belly meaningfully. “I haven’t given up. Just so you know. But no matter how we have to make it happen… I want that, Claire. I think you’d be an amazing mother.”
She stared up at me as I set her back down, and for a few moments was very still, right down to her thoughts, which suddenly grew very small and very quiet. Her ears twitched first, and she smiled, her tail swaying behind her as she all but leapt at me, nuzzling against me everywhere she could reach.
The next few miles were a blur, really. We walked hand in hand down the long road, and were largely ignored by other trainers. She couldn’t stop smiling, but she was quiet, even her thoughts were quiet.
When we were interrupted by a trainer looking for a challenge, she could have murdered him with a glance, he visibly blanched, but I chuckled and accepted. She just looked up at me, as if to say “Really? Today, of all days?” But she didn’t argue. We were who we were, and that meant we’d have to accept challenges, if we were fit and able.
We agreed on a one on one contest, and he sent out a lovely looking dewgong, who seemed confident, and assertive as he swept his gaze over the dusty battlefield. Claire smirked, and readied herself.
She pulled out her branch, the tip igniting with the practiced, forceful tug, like an oversized match in her hands. Gazing into the glowing embers, she waited for the contest to begin, and the trainer gave his first instructions.
Of course, we both knew who had the advantage. The first gouts of water missed, but the dewgong was clever, and, shrugging off the pain of Claire’s psychic assault, managed to push her into a trap, extinguishing the branch and lashing out with his tail, catching her across the ribs, the weight of the impact knocking her to the mud.
To her credit, she got up, cussing about mud in her fur. Even without the aid of her psychic focus, she was still capable, disadvantage or no. The fire she unleashed wasn’t meant to take him down at once. She and I both knew that wouldn’t work. Instead, she tormented him, a lingering, sinister blue-white fire singing and burning slowly, hurting him, bit by bit, with every motion, every moment. Distracting, maddening.
He was made of sterner stuff. It was as if he tuned it all out, completely unconcerned. His next attack was practically a deluge, soaking her from head to toe, and smashing her to the dirt with the force of it. Again, he lashed out with the tail, and again she caught it, unable to move or protect herself.
I called the fight, and she cussed bitterly. But she didn’t argue, as she stood, dripping wet, beside me.
“Good fight. You might have some trouble with the gym, though.” I said, hooking my thumb over my shoulder at the city we left behind. “Format makes it more of a challenge than it might otherwise have been. Good luck to ya!”
His winnings delivered, I lead Claire off, her thoughts an unpleasant static of disappointment and frustration.
“I'm still not strong enough. Tempest would have brought you dinner, carved straight out of that smug prick’s face.” She said, after a few minutes of sullen silence. Her earlier happiness had given way to a proper sulk as she scraped mud out of her fur, flinging it to the ground with an annoyed huff.
“Tempest doesn't fight the way you do. It isn't a matter of strength. You're a match for her, any day. You know that.” I replied, my hand coming to rest on her sodden, miserable head.
Our walk continued in silence for a while, her bitter thoughts tinged with static, and after a while, refining into quiet homesickness. I didn’t push, and she relaxed after a bit, our mental contact turning into a quiet comfort until she was ready to talk.
“I’m not strong enough.” She said again, with a soft sigh. “Mom was... “ She paused, and shook her head. “Mom was right. I’m still just a girl. Even now, I know I’m not half the woman she is.” Her thoughts had begun to churn on themselves, tinged mine with images of a delphox towering over Claire, stern expression. Words of warning falling on deaf ears.
“I’m not strong like she is.”
“Mom… was always so pretty, you know? Elegant, refined.” She said at last. “She probably would have liked you, you know? You see the world like she does. I… want to be like her, for you.” She laughed, and cussed bitterly.
She sighed, looking up at me as we walked. “She was always so strong. As far back as I can remember. Nothing seemed to even bother her. I hated that. It felt like… she couldn't have understood me, sometimes. I mean. I know better now, of course. Things bothered her, but she just… there was always a wall with her. I couldn’t figure her out sometimes. She almost never let that mask slip.”
She chuckled, giving my hand a squeeze. “There were times I hated her, times she was pretty livid with me, for all that she never made a scene. I was a bit of a trouble child. I wonder what she’d think, to know how things are now. Would she be disappointed? I mean… you know. That I’m your girl. I… I want to think she would understand, at least. She was…” She paused, shaking her head. “We are a lot alike, in a few ways, but we were always very different people. She … she doesn’t like the idea of pokemon and people being… close like we are, but I’d want to think she’d at least understand.”
“I know better though. She’d probably hate you on principle if she knew that about us, regardless of how well you actually got along.” She sighed, rolling her eyes. “As if she never felt anything about love.”
She sighed, and shook her head. “Still, I wish I was more like her, strong and quiet and dignified. That I could be as elegant as her, and make you shine all the more for it. She would have been a better match for you. She’d have been the kind of woman you should have.”
“She also wouldn’t have let some smug frozen sushi ruin her fur.” She said at last, pausing to shake off a little more, wringing out the fur of her tail with a frustrated scowl.
As she did, I watched, quietly. There was a lot I wanted to say. Too much, in truth, and I didn’t have the words for half of it. I ultimately had to settle on what I thought needed said most.
“I wouldn’t have had her.” When I said it, it startled Claire into silence, stillness. “Not a chance.” I chuckled at that as Claire stared at me, completely taken aback by it. I understood. I just told her, in no uncertain terms that the ideal woman in her mind wasn’t good enough for me.
“Elegant, beautiful, quiet, dignified… Great, but who is she trying to impress? I don’t want, or need perfection. It would be meaningless to me. Not just meaningless. Worthless.” I said, firmly.
She stared up at me, trying to gather meaning from my words. She tried to speak, but couldn’t get more than half a word out before I continued, ignoring the flash of surprised orange yellow that crept in to the edge of my vision.
“I grew up training. Tournaments, and sparring, day in, day out. I hated nothing more than when I’d have a really long winning streak. You know?” I grinned at that, rapping my bare hand against the cast I still wore. “As much as I hate this? I’m glad for it. It means I have more to learn. More to do. It means I should watch where I walk, and not run off blindly like an idiot. I got to learn something from it. That? That’s worthwhile. Perfection isn’t. Perfection could never be worth as much as struggle.”
“Don’t ever be your mother, Claire. I don’t want her. I want you. I want the spitfire, angry, sometimes waterlogged little braixen I share my life with. I don’t want you to be anyone else. I certainly don’t need you to be perfect. You’ll be a delphox someday, and a mother, besides, if that's your wish. I hope when that time comes, you don’t forget who you are… and who you are to me.”
She was quiet for a long time, but finally nodded, taking my hands. “Your mate. Your soggy, frustrated, muddy mate. Brush my fur out later? Please don’t leave me like this. It gets itchy.”