FSE

Furry search engine

formerly SoFurry search engine

I clicked my tongue, deliberating over the decision one last time.

I wasn't really going to do anything, right? Not yet at least.

This was just a cursory glance. Getting the lay of the land, seeing if it might be something I'm comfortable doing in the future.

I exhaled, tapping on my phone to download the hook up app.

I'd been here once before, years ago when I downloaded a smaller app. I'd set up a profile and deleted it within an hour.

But things were different now.

In the last year, I'd taken a more analytical approach to my sexuality. I tore it to shreds to examine every piece of it, to toss out what was poisoned from experiences in my youth.

And that felt good. Felt right. Felt necessary.

I'd had a toxic relationship with sex in the past, but through self-exploration and my writing I'd reached a point where there was only positivity surrounding the concept.

Only I wasn't sure if it had actually worked.

All I'd done was pour countless hours of mental and emotional energy into my own head. I'd refurbished my sexual identity, but had it worked? On a mental and emotional level, sex was cool with me. But physically?

Would it actually hold up when I was with a guy?

That's what I wanted to know for sure.

I used to be in such a state that any kind of physical contact would make me stress, would throw me back to those experiences I'd had as a child. Made me scared, no matter who it was with. No matter if it was sexual or wholesome contact.

But I was past that now. At least in my daily life. I'd grown over those wounds, I'd become physically affectionate. Direct contact was something I knew I could handle outside of sexual encounters. I just wanted confirmation I could handle sex now too.

I'd been pent up lately, driven up and down some emotional roller-coasters and I was ready to try something new to broaden my experiences. I felt ready, but I was patient and willing to take my time. Regardless of that new positivity around the notion of having sex, there were still a lot of risks involved with hook ups.

The app finished downloading.

I set up an account using a junk email.

It prompted me to set a profile picture. I didn't. I even left my name blank, only filling out a few key fields regarding what I was looking for.

It wanted permission to access my location, immediately I declined. It loaded up a window that stated the main features of the app needed location data.

With a sigh, I offered up that information.

Dozens of profiles loaded up before me. Some blank as well. Many featured pictures of bodies, not so many faces. Some were attractive, most were alright. It was window shopping, a notion which used to upset me dearly. Prior to rebuilding my sexuality, the only way I could fathom thinking about another person was through their mental and emotional identities. Something that window shopping could never respect. But this was purely sexual.

And I was relieved to find myself okay with that.

I was only after sex, after all.

I started prowling through each profile, regardless of if I was into them or not. Just curious what I would see.

It wasn't quite as perverted as I'd expected.

I didn't even know the app had a rule against explicit pictures for avatars, but I appreciated that fact when I realized.

Made it easier to focus on myself instead of getting swept away in a tide of cocks and lust.

However, what I didn't know was that clicking on someone's profile sent an alert to them, and soon I was getting messages in my inbox.

It was only a handful at first. 'Hey, how's it going' and the like.

But one stood out to me. A guy who was unashamedly into lycra and barely a 20 minute walk from me.

It wasn't my thing, but it was the first one that had a bit of texture to it.

Curious, I shot back a pleasant message.

He responded, asking me what I was up to.

It was a simple thing, but I eyed it cautiously and gave a pretty mild response, that I wasn't doing much.

Neither was he. He was just lying in bed. Alone, and on a hook up app.

I chuckled as I told him I was doing the same thing.

He sent me an eye-roll emoji.

Expecting something? I asked.

Just block me if you're not interested, he replied.

I wasn't taken aback.

If anything, this was the sort of thing I presumed I'd run into.

I sent him one more message.

Lol

And in a moment, he disappeared from my inbox. I'd been blocked.

I laughed. In a weird way, that was kind of fun. Being propositioned for sex so indirectly but having it taken so seriously.

After glancing over a few new empty messages, I figured I'd add a little more detail to my profile.

I set my name to be a tiger emoji, uploaded an innocent picture of a tiger for an avatar and wrote out a pretty basic bio.

_New to apps, looking for safe experiences.

Don't want no trouble, no drugs or STIs.

Into older men. Bit inexperienced but eager to learn, down to suck._

I filled out some of the default fields, like my height, an age that was just a little off the truth, my gender identity and listed myself as a vers bottom.

Bored by just text, I ticked the box that stated I was open to receiving explicit pictures.

I was still anonymous, but there was more for people to engage with when they hit me up. I did worry that I was painting myself as fresh meat. But I felt empowered by the structure of the app. I could wait for people to message me and if things got too much, I could just not interact or block and move on in comfort.

Quite quickly, I started getting more messages.

Older guys, others around my age. A definite lean towards tops.

Some were casual, others more focused on sex.

No dick pics, much to my dismay. There was something fun about the idea that dudes would be willing to expose themselves to me to strike up conversation but it just never happened.

I got a few raunchy messages from people who were a little too keen on me being new to hook up apps. I made the conscious decision I'd keep them at an arm's length just in case. It was a point of vulnerability, something that someone with more selfish intentions could take advantage of.

But there was one that stuck out to me.

'True top'. Some hyena in his 50s. A tradie with thick arms and a mean face.

His bio was some whacked up ramble about power dynamics in a dom/sub relationship.

He was bluntly horny, and I was game to play.

I flirted a bit, telling him how submissive I can be. How badly I wanted an older man to fuck me and use my body. Just that I wasn't sure I could be that way with a stranger.

Very quickly, he dropped off the deep end.

He wanted me.

And he wanted me to know that by waxing incoherently about all his power as a dom came from being in the same room as his sub. But he had power. The power to fuck.

Every message he sent used the word power and only furthered his bizarre outlook.

I was close to hysterics, in a strange state of arousal. If ever I could trust and be comfortable with him, I'd let him do whatever the hell he wanted to me. It would be hot, maybe, if I had that. But it wasn't going to happen and rather than bait more of a power trip out of him, I dropped it there and went to see what other guys had dropped into my inbox.

Some married guy keen to cheat on his wife.

That one made me grimace.

But there was another, someone with no avatar. Their name was just 'lookin to blow' and nothing would've stood out to me about their message if not for them sending me a picture. I checked it, curious, a little wanting for my first unsolicited dick pic.

But I was treated to something far better.

Two selfies of 'lookin to blow' and I was surprised.

He was really quite attractive. A roo with a gentle face but a strong jawline that grew a little shaggy. A confident smile shaped his lips but his eyes were soft.

He'd asked me how I was doing tonight as well.

I leant my head to the side, unsure how I wanted to respond. I might've been a little veiled if not for the softness in his stare. Time and time again, I found myself getting on with anyone who could wear such an expression. So I trusted my gut.

I'm doing good thanks! Also, woa. You're real good looking. How are you?

He replied immediately, and we got to small talk. He was easy going and quite curious about me. It didn't take him long to ask for a picture of my face.

I'm happy to send one. Just don't have any recent pictures I like and I'm not great at selfies.

I replied. After I sent it, I felt like I'd made the wrong decision, that I should've tried a bit more confidence.

Haha, it's no issue. I know the struggle. Here's me right now, shit lighting and all.

He sent another picture of himself, this time in a mostly dark room. It was a worse photo, but he was still attractive and that was convincing.

I had no inhibitions as I opened my camera and took a few selfies, not particularly happy with any of them.

I was a tiger in my mid 20s, nothing particularly impressive about me or my face. I just had a lot of hair that fell shaggy down my back.

Still, I slotted in the best one and shot it off.

Shit lighting's all I know, I added alongside the image.

Wow. You're beautiful, I really love your hair.

And to be completely honest, I was surprised. I expected silence or flattery. But that felt a little special because I was proud of my hair. I'd grown it out for so long now that it was a poignant part of me and a big piece of my gender expression.

Thank you!

You're welcome, but seriously. I'm a bit hairy myself and I don't really like being the odd one out. But beyond that, you have really nice hair.

My heart warmed at that.

I hadn't regaled him with the story behind why I looked the way I did, he just saw me and went right for maybe the one thing about my appearance I cared about.

And to my recent memory, that's the only time that's happened.

Very quickly, we took to talking. Not even about anything in particular, not so much about ourselves. Though he asked a few questions about my history with apps and sex. Which I answered honestly. I didn't have a great deal of experience, besides some awkward sex with an ex. But he never seemed offended by that. If anything, he was just encouraging.

My thoughts started racing a bit.

I'd downloaded this app tonight only with the intentions of scoping it out. I hadn't even expected to wind up talking to people.

But I did.

And not in my wildest dreams did I imagine coming across someone I could be comfortable with.

But I did.

I took stock of all the thoughts in my head, seeking out any vestige of concern or fear I had.

And there wasn't anything specific, only basic general qualms with the risks of hooking up.

I was still hesitant and I'd proceed with caution, but I could feel myself mentally gearing up.

Was this actually happening?

He sent another message.

It's fun talking to you, but can I send another picture, one that's a bit hornier?

Please do.

And now my thoughts were really racing.

Dick pic?

I was keen to see what he had.

In all this build up, I hadn't been that aroused.

An image came through of him stripped down to his boxers.

A smile lit up my face.

He was a well-built roo. Not toned muscles, not fat, but he was stocky.

Thick arms, thick legs. An even thicker tail.

And damn, he really was hairy. His fur rugged in a way that was almost messy.

I was into that.

Quite badly even.

He looked almost wild and more than strong enough to hold me down.

To pin me while he-

I bit back those thoughts.

We weren't quite there yet and I wanted to keep myself steady. I had a tendency to short out and blow a fuse, end up head over heels with someone I didn't know very well which was never pleasant.

And this was real.

He lived close to me.

Things could happen, quite quickly even. So I needed my wits about me to stay safe, just in case I'd been wrong about him so far.

I ogled his body as I typed another message.

Dude. You're hot. Love the belly, love the fur. I feel like I should be sending you something similar, just don't have anything that suits and I'm really not sure how I'd do it. But I can try?

He shot back immediately.

I'd love to see it, but don't worry about it if you're not comfortable

That offer to decline did wonders for my uncertainty. He wasn't greedy, just patient. I liked that.

It took me almost ten minutes to work out how the hell I was going to send something I was comfortable with. I took all my clothes off besides my undies and fiddled with the camera on my bed until finally I found a pose that didn't make me look so scrawny and also hid my face while showing everything I wanted to show.

It was a cold night, I was shivering the entire time but oddly enough, I felt a touch sexy.

It wasn't quite a nude, but it was the boldest thing I've ever sent a stranger before.

A picture of my fluffy chest, with my crotch in focus. Nerves kept me soft, but I was glad for it. I didn't want to give too much away.

Oh man. I wanna bury my face in that fur. I really wanna hug you, you're so hot.

I exhaled heavily, head rolling back against my headrest.

Holy shit.

I was shocked.

I'd never expected that kind of reception to my body.

But here it was.

Fuck.

My thoughts lit up in flames.

I wanted to give him what he was after.

I wanted to hug him too, feel him hold me tight in his strong arms as we snuggled up to each other. Wanted to bury my face in his pits and get acquainted with the smell of his body.

My phone buzzed in my hands and threw me back to the moment.

So who is tiger emoji?

I balked.

What a question. It cut right to the chase besides all its vagueness.

We'd hardly spoken about ourselves, and though the veil of anonymity had been pierced by pictures it was just flesh with no name.

Still, I wanted to give a decent answer.

I'm some dude with a complicated relationship to sex. Out here for new experiences, and hoo boy. I'm getting them alright. I didn't expect things to go this smoothly when I downloaded the app an hour ago.

I was deflecting a bit, didn't want to get too personal.

And would you be okay with going further?

I'm pretty sexually inexperienced but yes.

My hands were shaking as I sent it.

That admission felt good on both counts. I wanted to be forthcoming about what he should expect if we did something.

That's okay. I'm pretty sexually experienced. What would you like to do?

He shot back, just calm and full of confidence.

Willing.

I hesitated over my answer.

I dunno. Anything, really. I want to suck your dick and mess around. Cuddle with you. And if I'm being really honest, stick my face under your arm. You do what you want to do too.

Oh really? That can be arranged. Are you free tomorrow morning?

Oh shit.

I stared at my screen, stunned.

I didn't really know what I was expecting.

In my mind this was going to be a longer process, even talking as much as we had.

But why would it be?

This was a hook up app. Y'know, for hook ups.

There was even a tag for people who wanted something right now.

He lived nearby, of course it wasn't out of the question that this could happen quickly.

But was I ready for that?

I was, actually.

I was a bundle of nerves over the prospect of it, but yes. I was ready to throw myself into that experience.

I was the most risk averse person I knew, I liked to stick to my comforts. But my therapist had encouraged me to take some risks on new experiences.

So I took a deep breath and tried to still my racing heart.

_Yeah. I'm free

Is anybody going to be at your place?_

No.

Was I being real?

Was it actually happening? Like this?

So fast?

Alright. Why don't we get coffee first? And if that goes well, we can do whatever.

Heck.

It was happening.

The offer of coffee first was perfect. It'd give me a chance to determine if I was comfortable with him in person.

Ok. Uh. This happened faster than I expected it would, and I'm eager for it. I just really want to be sure I've communicated that I'm not particularly great at sex so you know what to expect.

That's okay. We'll go at your pace, alright? And we'll try stuff out, and if you don't like it we'll do something else.

He was being so accommodating.

This was not what I expected from anyone on this app.

But I could rationalize.

I was still helping him get what he wanted. I wasn't going to be the only one having sex tomorrow as part of this agreement. Maybe it wasn't what he preferred but something he was open to. Maybe he just enjoyed exploring things with people.

Maybe he was just nice.

There were so many reasons he could be this way.

And it didn't matter. All I had to do was accept and embrace who he was presenting himself as and trust my gut that this was how I wanted to proceed.

He asked another question.

By the way, what's your real boy name tiger emoji?

I caught myself on a hook of absurdity.

I'd just agreed to have sex with someone before I even knew his name.

I still hesitated, I enjoyed the touch of anonymity I still had in case I wanted to pull out but another message came.

Sorry, should've asked for your real genderfluid name.

I raised an eyebrow at that, it was an awkward way to word it but he'd tried his best. I'd dropped my gender identity in my profile, unsure if anyone would even notice or care. But he had, and he'd even indicated he'd like to respect that. Which I vibed with. A lot.

And I recognized it happening, a growing sense of trust in this stranger. But there weren't any red flags in his behavior. I didn't feel like he was stringing me along at all. I'd been genuine with him and in return, so had he.

Made it a lot easier to be honest.

I'd done this to seek new experiences. So again, I leant into it.

Apa. What about you?

I truncated it down to a nickname, like somehow it wouldn't be clear I was still holding back a bit. I was nervous, but I was warming to him.

_Oh, cool name. I'm Brian.

It's been real nice chatting with you Brian. I'm still a bit surprised it's happening

Heh. I've been enjoying myself too, looking forward to tomorrow. Coffee at 10?

Sure.

I have to go to the gym at 12, so why don't we aim to get to yours around 11_

An hour for coffee was relieving, we could talk and get more familiar. Decide if it was something I really wanted. But leaving an hour for sex was even more comforting. It was enough to take things slowly, but also short enough that I could handle being a bit overwhelmed.

That sounds perfect, I replied.

Maybe I'll come back after the gym, but might be a bit sweaty

I smirked.

Sounds even better that way

He took that response and ran with it, asking me dozens of questions about the things I was into and that quickly spilled over into my arousal. I was hard and leaking pre as I asked and answered everything we wanted to share.

Then finally, came a message I'd been waiting for.

I want to show you my cock. You don't have to send pics back if you don't want to.

Hit me with it, I want to see your cock

Almost immediately, two pictures came in of his dick from different angles.

Reality laid bare before me, he was lying on a bed in a dark room.

The pictures were fairly average.

I hummed to myself.

Maybe less than average.

I wasn't one to judge, this was real after all. Not porn.

His dick was fairly peculiar? There wasn't really anything wrong with it, of course. Just the length and arrangement of his glans and his foreskin made it look a bit stumpy.

I was a little amused that I was bigger than him, quite noticeably so.

But it was still dick. And it was dick I was going to have my hand on soon.

That made it a lot hotter.

Looks delicious, I sent back. Don't think I'm ready to send pictures but you might see it soon anyways

That's okay. I wanted to show you

There was so much excitement within me I could hardly keep it together.

We shot messages back and forth as we conversed about our bodies. I opted to flatter him further, talk him up about how eager I was to get naked with him. He fired up when I told him the length of my dick, a couple centimeters shy of was he considered his upper limit.

He was keen on me, and I was keen on him.

It was still dawning on me that this was going to happen.

As it ticked over to midnight, he sent a message that felt a bit abrupt.

_I'm exhausted, need to sleep. Really excited for tomorrow though

Me too. Sleep well dude, I'll see you in the morning_

I lay there, clutching my phone and visibly shaking. I was so thoroughly knotted with excitement and anxieties that I couldn't hold it in. Part of this was insanity to me.

I was putting so much trust and faith in a stranger to look after me, to treat me right.

But I also had no reason to be distrustful of his intentions beyond needless worrying. In some ways, I knew him better than people I'd brought to my house before.

How would that be any different?

Because we were going to do something physical?

The only sense of danger I had in my head was vague catastrophizing. I could get in my own head with anxieties but I wouldn't let it happen this time.

I'd come this far seeking a new experience and I wasn't going to back down, not when everything felt right.

It wasn't even too good to be true. It was just good.

I noticed then that he'd changed his name on the app to a smiley face.

It was such a small thing but it made me feel even better about all we'd done.

Unexpectedly, I got another alert from him.

I checked the message.

Ps. Pls don't block me. I'm really enjoying this.

I stared at the words for a moment, a little surprised to be reading them. It caught me offguard. Block? Why would I block him? But this app had a culture, one I wasn't too familiar with. I understood enough of how things went.

But I had no reason to. He'd been so kind, so accommodating.

He'd bared his neck with that statement. Must've been hurt in the past.

With my brow furrowed, I leant my head back as I thought up a fitting response.

Wouldn't think of it. I'll be honest, I am a bit nervous but if I decide I don't want to do this, I'll tell you that directly. Blocking you would just be torturous. You're being so encouraging and accommodating and I'm into you.

My breath streamed through my lips, hoping it'd soothe his worries. A touch of concern lit up my thoughts. What other presumptions might he have about my behavior? Would there be something more to this culture I was missing? Something key that might offend or make him turn away?

But that was just my mind racing.

I was so riddled with excitement, the sensations of which were all too close to strong anxiety I'd felt in the past regarding sex.

I held myself firm to the idea that it was just excitement. That this was positive and any nervousness in those fluxing emotions within me was normal.

His reply came delayed.

Thank you. Gnight.

I lay back against my pillows, both my heart and mind racing.

I was too excited to sleep.

I jerked off to the pictures he sent me.

I scrolled back through our conversations a dozen times.

It took me hours to come to rest and pass out.

I woke up at least three times during the night.

And somehow, come 6AM I was bright eyed and alert.

I perked up immediately and reached for my phone, ecstatic.

There was a message from him.

He was awake.

Fuck.

Fuck yes.

I was desperate for more communication.

I replied and he shot back immediately.

Only four hours until our coffee date.

He was getting horny.

I was encouraging it.

Before I knew it, I was teasing him about the prospect of sending a juicier photo.

He was a little hesitant, telling me I should only do it if I was comfortable. That only fired me up more, made me more eager to surprise him.

I ended up sending him a picture of my crotch and thighs, with a very evident tenting in my pyjama bottoms.

He flattered me in response, excited to get his hands on my package.

And fuck that felt good.

Never before had I received this kind of physical appreciation for my body.

I considered going further, yanking my waistband down and giving him the full view. But he'd see it soon enough in person.

We ended up texting for hours, only stopping to shower as we got ready.

He sent me a nude picture of himself about to get in the shower.

I was still shaking with excitement, couldn't get my dick to behave itself.

So suddenly it was time.

I'd showered, groomed myself. Picked out a nice shirt.

I was out the door, a fifteen minute walk to my favorite coffee shop where we'd planned to meet.

I'd feel safe there. They knew me and that was a comfort in case things went wrong.

But I'd swallowed all my nervousness. All that was left was excitement.

I hadn't meant for this to happen so soon, only I was okay with that.

This was a rush but it didn't feel like too much of a risk. I felt so reassured by how encouraging he was.

The entire walk up to the shops, I was outwardly calm but my belly glowed and sparked with excitement.

It was a gorgeous day today, hardly a cloud in the sky as bright morning sun painted my path. Warmth surrounded me and I truly felt at ease with my decisions so far, no matter how wildly different they were to my original intent.

We arrived at the same time, I shot him an excited wave from across the road as he got out of his car.

He waved back, a huge smile on his face.

He was shorter than I expected, I had almost a head's height over him. But dang, he was even more attractive in person.

He wore a striped cardigan over a sky blue button up shirt decorated with little flamingos, the touch of flamboyance was very welcomed. He'd groomed some of the shagginess out of his tan fur but still kept a rugged touch to his features.

I still had no clue what to expect. Every date I'd ever been on was with someone I'd known for more than 12 hours. I wanted to hug him as he crossed the road and joined me outside the cafe.

"Hey!" I beamed as he fell in step beside me.

"Hiya." He smiled up at me. "Your hair's even prettier in person."

I chuckled, butterflies in my chest. "Thank you. Love the shirt." I nodded to him.

These emotions were so clear, so positive but they stayed in their lane.

It was wild, but this was the only time I'd felt them without falling over my own feet and crushing hard on someone. I was ecstatic, but not lost in the torrent of feelings. That only made me more certain that this wasn't stupid.

Standing beside him now, I could appreciate how good this was. I did not love this roo. I greatly enjoyed the idea of the things we were about to do, but it felt like the eagerness before a game of football ratcheted up to eleven instead of anything more. We were just going to do something physically stimulating together.

We grabbed a table inside and ordered our coffees.

A cappuccino for me, while he tried to order a caramel cappuccino. But this cafe didn't have flavor syrups. A sour look crossed his face for a moment as he asked about a certain sweetener, which they did have.

He shot me an odd look as our waiter walked off.

"That's annoying," he said.

"Yeah, sorry. Didn't know they didn't have any." This was a speciality coffee place with some of the best coffee around our entire area. I was a bit of a coffee snob so the thought of adding a flavored sugar syrup never crossed my mind, but if he had a preference there was nothing wrong with that. I just hoped he liked their coffee.

We got to talking, largely about ourselves. What we'd done with our lives. The places we'd been, the places we still wanted to go.

He sold cars for a living and seemed set on putting himself down a peg for it, going as far as to imply that my university degree made me more important. It was a peculiar stance to take and not one I agreed with.

If anything, I was envious that he'd had constant work for most of his adult life while I was currently out of a job, with my previous position not even having anything to do with my degree.

It didn't take me long to realize how different he was to me.

The vast majority of our conversing through the hook up app had been centered around sex, especially this morning. Personality-wise, I think we got on well enough. But the details of things we enjoyed and some pretty basal outlooks we had differed a lot.

And that was fine by me.

If anything, I appreciated it. It grounded me to recognize that this man was not someone I'd necessarily hang around with a lot. He had some mannerisms I found quite striking, not uncomfortable, just striking in a way I wasn't too fond of.

And nothing clarified that for me with certainty when he put down his now empty cup of coffee.

He stared me in the eyes and shook his head, silently mouthing something.

I raised an eyebrow. "What was that?" I asked.

He leant forward, cutting his voice low. "Coffee's not that good here."

I shrugged. There was no accounting for taste after all, and that was fine. "Fair enough."

But he pulled out his phone to check something.

"Meet me outside," he said. "I'll pay."

"Oh?" A little surprised he wanted to go so soon. We'd only been here twenty minutes. "You sure?" I was about to offer to pay instead but he gave a firm nod and got up.

I waited out front for him, he left the cafe almost in a hurry. I was starting to feel a little uncertain, like he might be rushing things.

"Let's go for a walk," he said.

"Oh, sure. Sounds good." That uncertainty abated.

We started walking towards more shops, but he paused outside another cafe. "Want anything?" he asked.

I shook my head. "I'm alright." I was a little baffled. This cafe was one I really didn't rate and it was amusing to me that he'd picked it.

He went inside and ordered a takeaway caramel cappuccino.

It was perhaps the silliest piece of symbolism I'd ever experienced.

He'd spoken ill of what I thought to be the best coffee around in favor of this place, just because it had the flavored sugar he was after.

It was funny to me. This meant nothing really. He could enjoy or not enjoy anything he wanted, but having our coffee date bent around something that so plainly demonstrated our differences was bemusing.

Once he had his order, our walk resumed.

"Sorry about that." He sipped at his takeaway cup. "Ahh." He smiled. "I just need the right cup of coffee to really wake up. This is the one pretentious thing I'll allow myself."

I chuckled. "That's fair." Pretentious? If anything I felt pretentious for my puritan coffee snobbery. "It's good to indulge a bit." I wasn't sure what else to really say, so I just indicated something that'd play upon his good graces. I wasn't going to dwell on it at all and certainly not going to mention why I found it funny.

We continued on with our walk, talking the entire way.

I learned more about him, he was a little bit too camp for my tastes and leant too hard into flamboyant colloquialisms. I wouldn't have minded, but the way he wielded that language was fairly reductive and he kept trying to categorize me in tribes I didn't feel much of a connection with.

It wasn't uncomfortable, but it was making it increasingly evident that he wasn't really someone I'd enjoy spending a lot of time with.

And really, that was fine with me.

Because I was still comfortable enough in his presence to do the things we wanted. He was kind-hearted and gentle and keen on me. That was all I needed.

His only real interest was cars, which made sense. He sold them for a living. But it made extensive small talk a bit difficult.

I tried to probe him for hobbies, but somehow that line of conversing got waylaid.

In retrospect, I now realize what that meant.

Hook ups were his hobby.

All those hours we'd spent talking and getting excited about each other, that was what he did to keep himself busy. It's not something I found distasteful, it's just not a lifestyle I'd ever be comfortable with. I was glad for him still, glad that sex was easy to acquire from him.

Glad that things were going well despite our differences.

It helped temper my thoughts and expectations. There wasn't anything spectacular about what we were about to do. It was just sex, and we were treating it as a pleasant activity as part of getting to know each other. Categorizing it so simply was good for my brain, which was still eagerly trying to jump into nervous thoughts or overblow the concept of a hook up.

But the scars of my trauma sat like a distant memory.

A year ago, I never could've fathomed ending up in a situation like this. Wouldn't have been able to handle it at all. I was so glad I could now and I was close to knowing for sure if I could handle more.

Despite the stumbling conversation, the walk was lovely. I was fortunate enough to live in a nice area and the sun had only gotten warmer as the morning went on.

Eventually, we rounded back on the carpark he'd parked in.

He looked to me and spoke. "If I showed up and didn't like the look of you, I would've drove off and I'm sure you would've done the same."

It was abrupt, a bit of a weird thing to bring up this way. "Probably," I said, not actually believing I'd have done that. I would've given him a chance unless he didn't look at all like his photos.

"But this has been good. Are you still interested in going back to yours?"

Nerves sparkled in my belly. This was it then. "Yeah."

He led me to his car and unlocked it.

Fuck me, this was the one moment I wasn't prepared for.

Getting into his car.

It was the one time he'd have so much power over me. The point where if anything was going to go wrong, it'd likely happen now.

But I did trust him still.

He was peculiar, but not dangerous. We had our differences but one thing still bound us together; the sex we were about to have. Something I knew he wanted.

Something I still wanted too.

I swallowed my nerves and got in, bewildered that I was comfortable taking a risk that was so easy to catastrophize over. I was a bit fidgety, a bit too sensitive as I poured over his every action, tried to over analyze his body language.

And all that worry was for nothing. Instead of disaster, we had a very pleasant conversation about sexy things as I guided him to my home.

For the entire date, I hadn't been hard at all. Being in his presence was too real compared to the fantasizing I'd managed over the app. Only now, it was a little different. My arousal was required for the next part.

I unlocked the door to my house, heart beating hard in my chest.

My dog scampered towards us, whining as his tail wagged. He jumped all over us. Brian stooped to give an excited cuddle.

"Such a cute boy," he mused.

"So are you." I smirked.

Brian chuckled as he got up, gaze tracking across my front room. "Nice place," he said and wandered through. "Where's your room?"

"Downstairs." I found myself so suddenly thankful I'd cleaned up recently. I wouldn't have had time to be thorough with how quickly this had come together and probably wouldn't have been comfortable inviting a stranger into my space when it was a mess.

My dog followed us down to my room. He whistled when he entered. "Love your set up." He nodded to my desk, then glanced to my bed. "Mind if I sit?"

"Not at all." I blinked, head spinning. Fighting back nerves, I sat beside him.

He stretched and lay down.

Heart racing, I lay beside him.

We talked briefly about some past experiences, he was eager to hear more of my sexual adventures.

He kept playing with my hair, getting a little closer as I spoke. I didn't freeze up or inch away, if anything I felt a weird rise of confidence.

The warmth of his body was getting distracting.

Then finally, he nestled up to me directly. I rolled on top of him, arms spread wide as we embraced.

He crept his hand up the back of my shirt.

"Is this okay?" he asked.

I nodded. "Yeah." I sounded a little tense but really I was just overwhelmed. Not by the contact, but by the fact that not a single alarm went off in my head.

No stress, no fear. Nothing but a gentle roll of warmth as his fingers pressed into my back.

I leant into it, embracing the moment.

Relief thundered through me.

This was it.

Confirmation had already begun.

Years ago, I wouldn't have ever allowed this to progress this far.

A year ago, I might've been flighty and stressed.

But not today, not after all I'd gone through to reach this point.

His hand fell to my ass, he squeezed it.

"Is this alright?"

"Yeah it is." I squirmed back against him, smiling. I was enjoying this more than I thought I would.

And then my dog jumped up on the bed beside us.

I laughed. "One sec." I got up, sent my dog upstairs and shut the door to my room.

Brian stared at me with lusty eyes from my bed as I came back to him.

I knelt on the mattress and wrapped my arms back around him, nuzzling his neck. He put his hand back on my ass, smiling. "Can I touch you more?" he asked.

"Go for it."

He slipped his hand past my jeans and squeezed my ass directly. I made a breathy sound and hugged him tighter.

"You've got a real nice butt." He rubbed his fingers across my cheeks. I moaned softly, moving my hand up his thick arm. His other hand snaked up my back.

He was such a good cuddler. I loved the sensation of him touching me.

Then his hand on my ass inched to the side. "Ohoho." He rubbed a finger against my straining underwear. "I like this." He cupped the length of my dick through the cloth.

"Mmmh." I bit my lip.

"Can I touch it?"

"Please."

His finger brushed under the edge of my undies.

I shivered at the contact, a breathy moan slipped from my lips. His hand was so warm.

He wrapped it around my shaft.

I leant back, smiling and breathing heavy as I pulled off my shirt.

He withdrew his hand as he started unbuttoning his shirt. His chest bare, I wanted to bury my face in his fur. I rubbed his belly, marvelling over how firm he felt.

I wanted him on top of me, but I wasn't going to ask for it yet.

There wasn't any hesitation left in me. He kept scouting for consent for everything he wanted, it was perfect.

I tugged my pants off and got naked.

"Damn." He stared at my cock, licking his lips.

I wrapped my arms around him, hugging him tight. My cock pressed against his body. Fuck that felt warm. I loved the sensation of it. I rubbed my face against his chest.

I was in heaven.

He put a hand atop my head, coaxing his fingers through my hair.

I exhaled, any tension left in me faded away.

I liked this. I was ready for more.

He unclasped his pants and tugged them down, revealing fluoro-pink boxers that were vibrant against his tan fur. The shape of his dick caught my eye.

"Can I?" I asked, reaching a hand forward.

"Yeah." He nodded, brushing his fingers through my hair. "You can do whatever you'd like."

I squeezed him. It felt good to touch him too. He nudged me back as he pulled his briefs off.

His cock looked even stumpier in person, but I didn't mind. Just meant it'd be easier to do the things I wanted to do.

We were naked on my bed, staring at each other.

I was already leaking pre.

I went to embrace him.

A rough sound outside my room broke my focus. Brian jumped.

My dog whined as he scratched at my door again, wanting to be let in.

We shared a laugh.

"He'll stop in a moment." I couldn't wipe the smile off of my face.

Brian nodded, then reached an arm up my back to pull me into a naked hug.

I welcomed the embrace, exploring his body with my hands as I rubbed my cock against his hip.

He grabbed me by the balls. I moaned against his neck.

"You like that?" he asked.

"Uhuh." Was all I could manage.

He pushed me onto my back and cuddled up alongside me. With one hand on my chest, the other around my cock he started jerking me, coaxing more pre out of me.

I exhaled hard and heavy, leaning back against my sheets.

That felt nice.

In the corner of my vision, I saw him creeping down.

"May I?" he asked, face near my cock.

I threaded my fingers behind my head, keen to watch him suck me. "Do it."

He opened his mouth wide as he went down on me, no hesitation.

He smacked his lips against me as he slurped off all of the pre coating me.

I moaned. He was so warm and wet.

"Mmm." He licked at me as he went down further. I was surprised by just how eager he was.

My dog scratched at my door again.

A sense of absurdity overlaid the pleasure of the moment. Caught between a moan and a chuckle, I stared him with a smile on my face.

He paid the scratching no mind, glancing back towards me as he took more of me into his mouth. I moaned, raising my hips a little. He lifted his head and started bobbing up and down on my dick.

I let out a soft breath, rubbing my hand on his fluffy back.

He kept going, getting a little faster. He was good at this, eager and confident. Solely focused on my pleasure.

I leant back, eyes now shut as I revelled in it.

Tingles coursed through my pelvis. He kept going, my breath tightened as pleasure mounted within me.

"God," I mumbled.

He lifted his head, smirking.

My cock twitched as he leant back. I was holding tight onto myself, mind and body so wrangled by the pleasure of it that it was hard to not give in.

Breathing heavy, I lay there as he fell over me to cuddle again.

"Liked that?" he asked.

"Uhuh." I nodded, still breathy and holding myself back. I snuggled up beside him, catching my breath as we embraced again, our hands scoured each other's bodies.

I grasped his cock in my hand, jerking it slowly. He grunted against me.

I knew what I wanted to do, but I needed a moment to build the confidence to go for it. I felt no pressure from him, no need to rush. He was enjoying touching me while I rubbed his cock.

It took me some time to mentally prepare.

It'd been years since I'd touched someone else's cock. I'd almost forgotten what it felt like, the feeling of someone else's so different to my own. That firmness, the different shapes under my fingers. There was something so enjoyable about the tactile sensation of holding another man's cock. But as much as I enjoyed it, I did want to go further.

I sat up, he rolled onto his back, clearly ready for what I intended.

My fingers trailed through his belly fur as I lowered myself towards his crotch.

He thrust his dick once towards me, his hand fell to the back of my head.

I loved the weight of it bearing down on me, pushing me closer.

I opened my mouth and suckled his tip curiously.

He made a soft sound, his fingers pressed firmer against my head.

There was something a touch peculiar about the taste of his pre. It was flatter than mine, less sweet. I wasn't sure what I expected, and I'd gone into this eagerly with an open mind.

But was I a little disappointed?

I couldn't tell.

He had peculiar fat distribution around his crotch which made his balls almost non-existent. Which did feel like a shame to me, since I wanted to lick and play with them. But it did make it easier to focus on the task at hand.

I went down further on him, bewildered to realize I could take his entire length without much struggle. Though the feeling of his cock rubbing against my tongue was encouraging and the little moans and grunts that slipped past his lips were exciting, part of me wanted to struggle. Wanted to push myself.

Instead I was met with a mountain of inexperience, not entirely sure how best to please a man once I'd taken him in my mouth. I sucked him, lashing my tongue across his head. The odd taste of his pre coated my mouth. I went at him with a bit of energy, hoping I was doing well enough.

He started guiding my head with his hand gently, making me bob up and down on him.

I wanted to indicate he could be a little rougher, more forceful but that inexperience gave me pause. So I took charge, trying to find a faster rhythm. He moaned a little louder and his hand fell from my head.

I glanced back at him, he was smiling up at the ceiling.

He moved his hips a little out of time with the rise and falls of my head, throaty sounds like little gulps worked their way out of me.

And that lit a fire in me.

The sound was involuntary but gave me new energy for the action. I started experimenting with more suction, delighting in how it only made the sounds louder and added wet slurps to the experience.

He groaned as he rubbed at my back, that kind of feedback was even more stimulating.

But that was all I really understood I wanted to do, so I kept at it until that energy faded.

And maybe I was boring, or he wanted to try something else but as I slowed he nudged me back up. I sat beside him, staring at his face as I pulled in a few deeper breaths.

"Nice," he said and sat before reaching to stroke my cock.

I smiled at the contact.

"Why don't you lie down?"

I leant back towards my pillows, eager for whatever he was about to do.

He hooked his arms under my thighs and folded my legs over me. Staring down into my eyes he pressed his body against mine and pecked me on the lips.

His cock rubbed against my ass. I gasped, a little surprised.

"Not going to stick it in," he spoke low against my neck as he ground himself against me. "Just teasing."

I put a hand on his back, bracing against the contact. Hair standing on end.

Were he more attractive, I would've encouraged him to go further despite the risks.

That was the first time he hadn't asked me if something was okay. But I liked that. He'd established a level of trust and now he was revelling in it. He had me pinned against my bed, grinding his dick between my cheeks. I was breathing heavy, body aflame with desire. The sensations that gripped me were firmer, more muscles reacted to the less familiar stimuli.

There were moments I'd imagine like this when writing. I'd always embrace them as hot and heavy as they came, push them to extremes as I indulged in a fantasy.

But this was real.

And attractive as this man was, he wasn't quite it for me. Not quite my fantasies, not someone I could really get comfortable with. There were risks with what we'd done already. More risks if we went further.

I had the agency I needed to get my own pleasure from this, even buried under his body with my knees held back by my head. There was so much to appreciate about this moment that I couldn't care it wasn't hotter. That it wasn't pushing those same extremes I could make in my own head.

The more he hotdogged me, the more he simulated fucking me.

He was moaning against my face. I smiled, relaxing further. I wanted him to enjoy my body. I wasn't sure what he wanted, wasn't sure what I could do to make it better for him.

So I went passive and held him, giving him free range of me. His breaths fell heavier.

"Have you got any lube?" he asked, hunger in his voice.

I smiled inwardly, bemused he was getting so into it. "Nah." Had we properly discussed and prepared for it, maybe I would've let him. Were he my firm-bodied older man of my dreams, even more likely.

But he was just some dude with a boner. He had a nice body for the most part. We were just doing what dudes with boners did and enjoying ourselves.

He kept it up a few minutes longer, poking and prodding me with his cock.

The excitement faded in time and I moved to start jerking him, which prompted him to shift backwards. It wasn't what I expected him to do, but it kind of worked? I guess?

It was questionable to me as he lay down. The backs of our thighs in contact, asses pressed against each other as we reached forward to jerk each other off. I hadn't seen any position like it, but there was warm comfort in it. I quivered against him, body growing heavier the more he worked my dick.

As I gasped and grunted, he only stroked me firmer, urging me on.

And after all we'd done, I was getting to my limit.

I gave into the pleasure, jerking him back harder.

My breathing deepened.

"Gunna finish," I mumbled. He squeezed me, his hand so firm around my cock as he jacked it.

I braced a moment longer, trying to push back the rising flood of pleasure within me but I couldn't hold it.

My orgasm hit like a truck. I groaned as warmth rushed through me, my heart pounded in my chest as a spurt of cum splashed up my chest. My cock throbbed and another spurt leapt almost to my chin.

I moaned and shuddered through it as a third wave shot over me.

I lay there for a moment in the brightness of the afterglow, idly jerking him off as I gathered myself back together.

"Mmh, fuck," he muttered. I could feel his thighs clenching, his hips twitching. I forced vigor back into my actions and dug fingers into his taint, pressing at the sensitive skin as I rubbed him to his climax.

He threw his head back and made a breathless gasp, raising his hips slightly as a jet of his spunk shot over him.

I pulled my hands back, happy with myself.

Given my lack of experience, being able to get him off at all felt like an accomplishment in its own right.

We basked in the moment until I came at ease and reached for a roll of toilet paper I kept on my bedside table to clean us off. And though I kind of wanted to cuddle together in our nudeness, he reached for his clothes.

"Gym time," he said, a little grin on his face. There was a contentedness about him that seemed fun but so suddenly, I lost the ability to speak, to assert what it was I wanted.

It wasn't shame, or anything of the sort. We'd finished our activity so I guess it made sense that he wanted to head off to his next thing. He was a stranger again who owed me nothing, so I felt unfit to ask for more.

There was a suggestion that he'd come back after the gym anyways, but as I dressed I questioned if I really wanted that. I was certainly up for more, but I didn't actually need it. There were other, more pressing things I could spend my time on.

Huh.

I checked the time, we'd even finished a little earlier than planned.

That was fine, but maybe he was a little disappointed? I couldn't quite tell. He'd come for sex and we had messed around a fair bit but ended up jerking each other off. Which was still sex. But was it what he really wanted, especially after asking if I had lube? But I didn't want to ask, not because it might confirm something poor about my abilities but simply because I didn't really care, nor did I want to overthink it.

It was a little awkward walking towards the front door.

I was growing more sure that he was a little disappointed since he'd also gone quiet.

But I was happy.

"Hope you enjoyed that exploration." He gave me a wide grin.

"Definitely. Thanks for that," I said as I waved him off.

"Yeah, no worries. I'll let you know if I'm up for more after the gym." With how he said it, I wasn't sure if he'd come back of his own volition anyways.

"Cool. Have fun."

It felt a little stilted and awkward. But maybe that's just how goodbyes were after hook ups? I wasn't going to stress it.

In fact, I hadn't felt so stress free in a long time.

I shut the door behind him.

That experience had ended and dang, it was a good one.

But watching him back out of my driveway, I realized I kind of didn't want him to come back. He was a bit strange, not my kind of dude. His body was hot but I wasn't really into his genitals and uhh, reflecting on what was going through my head as I'd blown him, that kind of mattered to me a fair bit.

Weird. I wasn't used to judging people like that at all.

As I started to feel more normal, I mulled it over a little more carefully.

That experience was great for me. But I really didn't need, or even particularly want more. I'd wanted confirmation on whether or not I could handle the physical components of sex, and I'd gotten it. That was beyond great, far better than I was really expecting.

But hooking up didn't really do it for me.

Were he someone I felt I could have a deeper connection with, I would've been encouraging him to come back.

Instead, after waiting a decent length of time I pulled out my phone and sent a message that felt necessary.

Hey, I just wanted to thank you so much for today. I really appreciate you and all the things we did, but after doing some thinking I don't think I'm built for hook ups. I'm happy to talk about anything if you'd like, but I think we should call it there. Thanks again.

I sent it, not entirely sure what to expect. Not entirely caring. He'd told me we'd only do what I was comfortable with, and that's what we'd done.

I spent the next hour bumming around the house and relaxing. I kept checking the app and saw him flash online a few times. I knew he must've read it. Still, I waited for his response. I owed him the decency to talk anything out if he wanted more closure or something.

But I kept waiting and he never replied.

I went to check my inbox one more time just in case.

He was gone.

Our message history had vanished.

I chuckled, shaking my head.

He'd blocked me.

Free from my only obligation, I took one last glance through my inbox before I deleted my account and uninstalled the app.

I'd been on it for less than 16 hours, but it was all I needed. I had no interest in using it again, and if I did I could just create another account. It felt like alien territory to me and I'd lucked out with a guy who was willing to chaperon me to my destination.

Whether or not he was happy about doing that, wasn't so much my problem. We had an agreement, I was frank with him about what to expect and he went along with it eagerly.

I was happy about that, didn't even care that he'd blocked me.

I'd gotten coffee, a bunch of compliments and sexual release out of the experience.

But more importantly, I had confirmation that I'd healed from trauma. That all my mental effort rebuilding my sexuality hadn't been wasted. I'd succeeded.

And frankly, I'd never felt stronger and more capable because of that.

I'd taken a risk, forced myself out of my comfort zone and it'd all gone well.

To me, that was a triumph I'd hardly felt before.

Something that had worked out well, at last. It soothed the most wounded parts of me to acknowledge that and I was determined to carry that momentum forward into the other parts of my life.