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Our Guild been called by the King.. personally.. and asked to deal with a situation. I was tasked with it and per my request I was allowed to find my own solution to the issue.

For weeks afterwards the King could not keep for chuckling every time our Guild was mentioned. Even worse when anyone quoted the words of a famous Bard "Who will rid me of this troublesome Duke." would cause a complete collapse of Royal decorum.

An so I write these words - Death is NOT the only solution to a problem - although you may wish for it..

It was dark - my way lit by a small shielded candle as I travelled through the sewers. Duke Wraggs - an old exceptionally pious man had been becoming a thorn in our Kings side and I had been tasked to 'remove the problem'. Wraggs had the backing of the Church and was the leader of a small but noisy group of dukes demanding that the King cede a portion of his power to the Church. Our King was fortunately more liberal that previous ones which rankled the Church greatly - they sort of missed the public burnings etc al.

I had memorized the map of his castle and was finally at a fork in the tunnels The updraft and markings indicated I was beneath the Dukes rooms - and it was a long dirty and foul climb till I was perched beneath the opening of his privy. I waited like a Errum spinning it's web...

The smells here took me back to a time when I was a Help. Being accustom to the sights and smells of bodily wastes was a distinct advantage against those who had to un-learn such.. dignities.

It was one evening - late - that I was doing my rounds of the dormitories and corridors that I heard a sound in one of the facilities. Upon investigating - the source was a young female warrior hunched over a privy vomiting, and trying to control the flow of diarrhea dribbling from her rear. She looked up at me fearful at her discovery and shame. We locked eyes and I quickly stepped inside, putting the 'In Cleaning' sign on the door, and locked it.

I went to her - careful not to touch her in case of an infection - something like this going through the barracks would be a disaster.

"What Happened" I asked.

Between heaves she replied "Ermic Apple.. A Dare.."

Oh the foolishness of youth - not that I was much older than her. The fruit she had described was harmless except for the effect she was now suffering - a powerful internal cleansing.

Quickly I gathered some used towels and placed them beneath her to sop the liquid shit, and then sat with her - hand on her shoulder - comfiting her whilst the apple ran its course. After an hour, the shakes and moans quietened as her cramps eased - then supporting her to one of the showers I assisted in washing her fur. After we were both clean I raced back to one to the supplies cupboards - and returned with a strong but pleasant scent. "Tell your friends you stepped in some Vaghjt droppings - that will explain everything" - and sent her back to her bed.

I took me several hours to make the facilities presentable again, but that was my job.

The next morning a wall of feminine muscle clad in armour confronted me. She leaned over, smiled, and simply said "This Warrior thanks you for your kindness". It was a fond memory of one of my charges.

I was brought back from my reveres by the sounds above - the Duke - having finished his evening meal was making his way to the privy before sleeping. The old man with a fat gut - long since letting his body go - groaned and shuffled - tugging his robe off he sat down. If it were to urinate then this would be easy however no - he strained and liquidly farted his droppings out, all the while gritting his teeth and moaning. I was unfortunately caught in the spray and suffered. Then he reached between his legs and tucked his sheath under the edge of the hole to piss. Quickly I reached into the pocket on my loin cloth and retrieved the rag that had been coated with secretions of several virulent sexual diseases (I have a Doctor friend.. you know). A few dabs on his flaccid member.. plus a swipe on his anus and I was done.

He raised himself, washed his hands, and went back to his bed to kneel in prayer. A Long and Droning soliloquy on the evils of the world, lack of morality, and so on and on.

I crouched there until I heard his snores start and made my way back down. At the entrance to the sewers I grabbed a ragged robe, a bucket filled with shit, and a long handled shovel to become another nameless help - doing the dirty work of nobility.

It was a week later whilst in the pub I heard the delicious rumours.

"Wraggs has the clap!! How. What female would let him in her. Apparently his wife has it too. No!! - does she have a lover. She claims not to. Who'd touch Her *laughter* The Church has disowned him too. Stupid Bugger - sticking his dick in unclean twats. Its worse than that.. WHAT.. Apparently he has Hrgts. HRGTS - you can only get that from fucking a male.. And *Laughs* Getting Fucked - He has it there as well.. What.. NO!!!! ERRggghhh!!!"

I grinned into my mead - another successful mission. Plus another lesson - Never.. ever.. skimp payment of your staff if you want to keep your secrets safe.