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Bone Appetit's Sex Kitchen

By Bunny Hops

Friday - 24 year old male fox (1/4 red panda), slim, 5'1"

Nugget - 27 year old male doberman, heavy set, 6'5"

Hey there, it's ya guy Friday. That's right, your favorite foxy chef is here bringing you another absolutely delicious recipe just in time for Valentine's Day. I made this dish for my super sexy doberman boyfriend, Nugget, and he absolutely loved it and I'm sure you will too. It's a guaranteed-to-get-laid recipe (legally not a guarantee), that traditionally has not been seen as a romantic food. That's right, we're doing savory meatballs and mashed potatoes.

Now hear me out. Imagine it: Perfectly moist balls, resplendent with warming spices like nutmeg and allspice (plus cayenne, of course); a savory mix of ground sirloin and pork loin; silky, creamy mashed potatoes; with a thick, hearty gravy slathered on top. If that doesn't epitomize sex, I don't know what does. Maybe chocolate dipped strawberries and a bouquet of roses, but that's not a dinner.

And if you're worried that it's too heavy of a meal to be able to have "dessert," trust me, it won't have you feeling too full to get some extra stuffing later in the night. In fact, I'd argue it's an aphrodisiac. And my boy Nugget would heartily agree, although him walking in on me cooking in nothing but an apron didn't hurt.

If you want a great outcome, both for the final outcome of the meal and the outcome of the night, you're going to need to start before your beau, babe, or beaut gets home. Time it right for when they return from work or class, or just follow my example and send them out on some errands. The key here is not to have the meal plate-ready when they return, but to have all the components at a stage where they won't burn if you get distracted, and wouldn't have cooled off by they time you're ready to eat. This meal is so good you're gonna have sex before you get a chance to eat it, it's just an inevitability.

Step one was to send my eager dobie out to pick up some garnishes and a bottle of wine. He's such a good boy, he didn't mind having to go to two different stores since they don't sell wine in grocery stores in this state for some archaic reason. Nugget didn't even ask why I needed curly parsley when I had plenty of the flat leaf variety, or why we needed pinot noir when we had perfectly good bottles of cabernet sauvignon ready to be decanted. He's such a good boy. And I knew he'd go to the good package store a little further away instead of the one right next door to the grocery store.

Anyway, after getting all my ingredients together -- what's that called? Let me hear you say it. That's right, mise en place! -- you're going to want to start with the potatoes before jumping onto the meat. I know it's hard, you want that meat badly, but trust me when I say to give your potatoes a little love first. For the potatoes, just peel them, cut them, and throw them into a bowl of cold salted water. This will keep them prepped for when we're ready to cook them and helps reduce the starch.

Enough foreplay, now on to the meats!

If you're going to grind your own meats, you should've already done that. (Don't worry, I'll get to how Nugget and I "ground some meat" later on). But don't worry, this recipe is great even with prepackaged grocery store meats. Here's a tip, though, pick out some beautiful cuts of meat and have your butcher grind them up for you. They're always happy to help, and it'll make a great difference in the quality of meat that's going down your throat.

I don't need to go into the step-by-step process, since the recipes is available for you below, but make sure not to overwork the meat, which can make it stiff and this isn't the meat we want stiff tonight. We want this meat tender and supple. And when you're ready to roll your balls, use paws lubricated with water or oil to make sure they come out silky smooth. While you're browning up the balls in an deep heavyset pan or dutch oven (hehe) get the water boiling for your potatoes and get that gravy going. Again, full recipes below. Once the gravy is done, the balls are browned, and the water is boiling transfer the gravy to the meatballs and the potatoes to the water. Reduce both to a bare simmer, we don't want these to overcook.

Because if you timed everything perfectly and the stars were aligned, this is when your romantic partner walks through the door, just as Nugget did.

Nugget is a big and tall fella who knows his food, and even though the delectable odors emanating from the kitchen could be smelled through the front door, I like to think his cute little squeal was seeing my mostly bare backside since, yup, this entire time I was cooking in nothing but an apron. And socks, what do you want from me it's winter!

He put down the herbs and wine I'd sent him out to buy and wrapped his arms around me, tucking them under the apron. "Mmm, smells so good," he said, burying his nose into my neck fluff.

I reached back and cradled the back of his head as I went in for a kiss, him rubbing my belly and chest, giving a nipple the gently tug he likes to do. I could feel myself peaking out of my sheath as the doberman pressed my up against the counter, grinding his meat against my backside. See, I told you I'd get to use "grinding meat" soon enough.

"When are you going to be a dear and take those pants off?" I cooed.

"Maybe I'll be a deviant and keep them on," he murmured back into my ear.

It was going to be a race for which was going to steam up the windows first, Nugget and me, or the simmering pots of gravy meatballs and potatoes. The food had the head start, but Nugget and I were eager to lap the competition.

My doberman boyfriend unzipped his pants, but left them hanging on his ample hips --the idea of fucking like, him clothed and me mostly naked, that alone would make me hot enough to make the windows drip. He grabbed the bottle of KY I left on the counter (what did I say before about mise en place?) and lubed himself up, wiping the excess off on my eager tailhole.

Nugget is a big guy, and I'm not just talking girth, height, or personality: that dog has got a huge bone. I, on the other hand, am a short king which I mostly attribute to me being a quarter full red panda but then again foxes aren't know for being particularly large creatures. I don't mean my pecker's small, oh no. It's pleasantly average, but since I barely scrape over five feet tall it definitely looks a lot bigger on me than it is. Wait I mean to say, is although we have our size differences (he's almost six and a half feet tall, damn!) and he's huge is all the right places, we've had plenty of practice to make it work.

And thus, he slid right inside of me with ease and a few pleasurable groans from the both of us. What's going to fill me up later -- besides the dinner of tender meatballs, buttery potatoes, and hearty gravy currently cooking on the stove -- is Nugget's thick knot. He's got a knot that would make the most well endowed porn stars jealous, and I was eagerly awaiting it.

That doberman is a tender lover, easing his mighty member back and forth inside my tailhole instead of just jackhammering it and finishing as soon as he can. And that's why I put the pots on a bare simmer instead of a boil. They get the time to slowly cook and meld their flavors together, and I get quality time with my compassionate and considerate lover.

And here's another tip for all you short king home chefs out there. Get yourself a step stool for the kitchen. Not only will it allow you to reach the top shelves of the cabinets, and be able to look down on your pots and pans without burning yourself, but it'll get you perfectly positioned for your tall soft boi beau to breed your ass without him cramping up from having to awkwardly squat down to your position.

Nugget was heating up, thrusting a little fast and a little deeper, bumping that knot of his harder and hard up against my tailhole. Needless to say I was fully erect now myself, and each bump the tapered tip of his shaft made to my prostate -- that glorious P-spot -- the more I soaked the apron with precum. His arms were all over me, exploring, caressing. He slid his fingers through the tuft of fur that grew at the center of my chest while the other paw crept lower to get sticky with the pre that dribbled to the base of my cock and wettened my fuzzy sheath. And yes, I was moaning incoherently, but then again I'm known to do that whether with having sex or tasting food. Some say my high-pitch moans are shrill and annoying, and to them I say *blocked*.

Since I adhere to the clean-as-you-go principle of cooking (and you should, too), the countertop was bare and clean for when Nugget bent me down on it with a gentle paw on the nape of my neck. My footpaws were off the stool now and Nugget kept me pinned to the counter as he grunted his way towards completion.

I've been mostly mum on the dialogue so far, but I'll give you a rundown of what I can remember. It was a lot of the typical sex talk, "You like that?" "Oh, yeah." "Harder." "Ri-- -Right there, yeah! Oh, fuck yeah!" "Gawd damn that smells delicious, I can't wait." "Ooh, ow, no, that pinches, let me reposition." "I'm gonna breed your ass." "Breed my ass, big boy." "Oh, god, I'm gonna cum, I'm gonna cum." "Knot me, big guy." "Oh, I'm gonna knot ya...I'm gonna fucking knot ya...."

And that brings us to when I consciously opened up my sphincter muscles (fun fact, contrary to popular believe, the resting state for a sphincter is closed, so you have to actually use the muscle to make it "relaxed") and Nugget used his body weight to slide himself right inside of me past his shaft, inserting his bulbous, wide knot into me. He slowly eased it in, but once it got past the halfway point in popped right in without any effort. Yes, I moaned again, and thought I almost might cum right then and there, but it was just Nugget's large shaft milking some more precum out of me via a prostate pounding. The apron I'm wearing is gonna need some serious cleaning up after this meal.

And we all know what happens right after a dog knots you, right? That's correct, he came a huge load right in my ass while gritting his teeth and exhaling a hot sexy breath onto the side of my face. His body sputter four, five, six times in quick succession before I could feel his muscles start to relax, his breathing ease. Man it was so hot and over with too quickly.

"How much time we got?" Nugget asked in a low, soothing, post coital bedroom voice. He sighed deeply and I knew he could fall asleep contentedly right away if he wanted to. But, like I mentioned before, he's a kind and considerate lover and wouldn't pass out before my needs were taken care of. And he's Nugget, so I knew he wasn't going to fall asleep while a meal was being prepared.

"Grab that paring knife," I said, always the professional amateur home cook. "And pierce a potato. See if you can pull it out of the water."

I watched as he dutifully did as instructed (always such a good boy). He had to slide me one way and then the other across the counter since he was still firmly knotted inside of me, but he was able to pull a potato halfway out the the simmering salted water before it slide off the knife and back into the water.

"It's getting there, we don't want to over cook them, but we have some time," I said. I would've like to test the doneness of the tubers myself, but Nugget did a great job. Even though we're going to drown those potatoes in heavy cream and butter, we don't want them overcooked. Overcooking the potatoes gives them this crumbly-dry texture that's hard to cover up even with extra cream and butter. If this happens to you, you can save them by adding a half cup of freshly grated cheese [go for semi-hard cheese like Colby or Monterrey Jack (or Colby-Jack), but never pre-shredded cheese, that shit has saw dust in it. No joke!].

"I should unknot you then, so we can figure out what to do with this little guy," Nugget said while gripping my cock. Now, he's saying here "little guy" here in an affectionate way lovers do, not implying that I'm small down there, but that it's a small portion that makes up the physical embodiment of who I am. And the physical embodiment of who I am is only a tiny percentage of the whole of who I am. So just that I'm clear, I love Nugget and he call my cock a "little guy" but that's not an invitation to other people calling it that. Not unless I give you permission.

Anyway, Nugget pulled his large knotted doberman cock out of me, with the predicable results to the kitchen floor.

"We're going to need to mop that up at some point."

"Yeah, at some point."

Him pulling out was a rather uneventful process, since even before I met the beautiful hunk I was way into butt plugs. Like, way more into them than anyone should be. I knew what I was doing, and let's leave it at that.

Now I was sitting on the counter, legs splayed out, feeling somewhere between content and amped up, still wearing my apron covered in food stains on the outside and silky precum stains on the inside.

Without hesitating, Nuggest ducked in under my apron and went down on my cock. His head and shoulders were covered by the apron, so all I could do was concentrate on the sensation of him deep-throating me. He's not too great at it yet, so he gaged a little and pulled out multiple times, but I give him an A+ for effort. It's not even something I asked for, it's just something he wants to be able to do, and let's all applaud him for it.

I had a great view in front of me: my legs at either side of my boyfriend, his apron-covered silhouette bobbing up and down between them. His little cropped ears made the cutest bumps in the fabric.

As I've mentioned multiple times already, my doberman boyfriend fucking me in the ass really turns me on, so it wasn't much time or effort before I was all, "I'm gonna cum," to let Nugget brace for the load in his mouth. Sure enough, my whole body tensed up uncontrollably and I let loose his appetizer directly down his throat. I can't even remember how many times I sputtered, but it was more than a few. By the time I was done I was panting and letting that post-cum mental sobriety wash over me as my boy licked my cock clean.

"The potatoes aught to be done by now," I breathed into the ether, my back still on the counter. I may have bonked my head on an overhead cabinet, but let's not mention that since it's not sexy.

"Let me drain them," my good boyfriend said and did.

In my recipe I am going to tell you to mash those potatoes with a masher or a ricer, but I used a food mill to make them extra creamy. The only thing I use a food mill for is mashed potatoes, so I can't in good conscious expect my readers to rush out and buy this single-use kitchen gadget, but I will stress: never use a food processor or blender of any kind for mashed potatoes. A food mill is not the same thing as a food processor. The kind of high speed whipping a food processor will produce activates all the starches in the tubers and make it the consistency of glue. I'm sure many of you out there already know exactly what I'm talking about. It's the one surefire way to ruin mashed potatoes. Don't do it.

While Nugget took a shower I mashed up the potatoes in even more butter than I have in my recipe below (delicious!) and let the meatballs rest and cool slightly in the gravy. I gave myself a quick shower before putting on a robe (I'd like to be naked at this point, but like I said before, it's winter) and plating up our dinners. First up is a heavy dollop of those mashed potatoes, making sure to add a divot for the meatball to sit in. Here you're gonna want at least six balls, possibly eight depending on your appetite (Nugget took ten). They are the star of the show after all. Finish it off with a generous pour of the gravy. I served ours with a side of a simple chef's salad and a vinaigrette dressing, and of course heavy pours of that gorgeous pinot noir. If you want to be a basic go ahead and spoon on some lingonberry jam you bought from Ikea that one time.

As you're probably surmised, this cooking encounter did not happen on Valentine's Day. How could it, when I'm here bringing you the recipe weeks before the big Hallmark holiday? If this non-traditionally romantic food can illicit such a sexy response for me and my boyfriend on a random day in January, what do you think it'll mean for you and your romantic quests on the most romanticized day of the year?

So what, I hear you asking, are you two going to have on Valentine' Day? What are you going to do to top that experience? Well, I already let Nugget decide on the meal. We're going to get Taco Bell drive-thru (with a some Baja Blast, of course, of course). And a heavy side of Netflix and Chill.

I haven't yet decided on my order since Taco Bell discontinued my two favorite items, the 7-Layer Burrito and the Mexican Pizza, so hit me up in the comments with you meal suggestions and I just might take them into consideration.

This is your guy Friday, your favorite foxy chef, signing off, hoping you'll give this recipe a try soon. Don't forget to stay sexy, eat heartily, and come always back for seconds.

Recipe:

Ingredients:

Meatballs:

2 tablespoons butter

½ yellow onion, finely chopped

1?½ teaspoons fine salt

¼ cup milk

2 large eggs

? cup plain bread crumbs

¾ teaspoon freshly ground black pepper

¼ teaspoon ground nutmeg

¼ teaspoon ground allspice

1 pinch cayenne pepper, or to taste

1 pound ground beef sirloin

1 pound ground pork loin (NOT tenderloin, you want some fat in this cut to offset the lean cut of beef)

Gravy:

2 tablespoons butter

3 tablespoons all-purpose flour

3?¼ cups beef broth

½ cup heavy cream

½ teaspoon white sugar

¼ teaspoon Worcestershire sauce

1 spring fresh sage leaves

salt and freshly ground black pepper to taste

cooking spray

Mashed Potatoes

3 large russet potatoes, peeled and cut in half lengthwise

¼ cup butter

½ cup heavy cream

salt and ground black pepper to taste

Directions

Step 1

Melt 2 tablespoons butter in a large skillet over medium heat. Cook and stir onion and 1 1/2 teaspoons salt in butter until onion begins to turn translucent, about 6 minutes.

Step 2

Transfer onion mixture to a large bowl. Add milk, eggs, bread crumbs, black pepper, nutmeg, allspice, and cayenne pepper to the breadcrumb mixture; stir to combine.

Step 3

Mix beef and pork into the bread crumb mixture. Cover with plastic wrap and refrigerate for 1 hour.

Step 4

Melt 2 tablespoons butter in a large skillet over medium heat; whisk flour into butter and cook until golden brown, 4 to 5 minutes. Slowly whisk beef broth into butter mixture.

Step 5

Increase heat to medium-high, whisk cream into mixture and bring to a simmer. Stir sugar and Worcestershire sauce into gravy. Add fresh sage leaves. Simmer until slightly thickened, 6 to 7 minutes. Season with salt and black pepper. Remove from heat and set aside. Remove sage leave.

Step 6

On the stove, preheat a deep heavy-bottomed pot or dutch oven with a high smoking point oil such as canola under medium-high heat.

Step 7

Roll 2 to 3 tablespoons meatball mixture into a ball using wet or oiled paws; repeat with remaining meatball mixture. Place meatballs in the prepared dutch oven.

Step 8

Fry, turning as necessary to develop a dark brown crust all over the meatballs.

Step 9

Transfer the gravy to the meatballs and cook over a bare simmer until meatballs are cooked through (internal temperature of 165 F), about 20 minutes. Due to the low heat and high moisture, the meatballs will stay tender if overcooked slightly.

Potatoes

Step 1

Place the potatoes into a large pot, and cover with salted water. Let sit at least 20 minutes before draining liquid. This is to remove excess starch from the potatoes.

Step 2

Cover potatoes again with salted water. Bring to a boil, reduce heat to a bare simmer, cover, and simmer until tender, 20 to 25 minutes. Drain, and return the potatoes to the pot. Turn heat to high, and allow the potatoes to dry for about 30 seconds. Turn off the heat.

Step 3

Mash the potatoes with a potato masher or ricer twice around the pot, then add the butter and cream. Continue to mash until smooth and fluffy. Whisk in the salt and black pepper until evenly distributed, about 15 seconds.