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"It's good to love,

It's good to love,

It's good to love,

I've got a right to give,

I __t's_ good to love,_

I __t's_ good to love_"

FKA Twigs,

'Good to Love'

It's shocking how quickly the presence of those I love and care for quiets my fears. The past and future can't be ignored, but they can be swept aside for a while.

Eve insists on a little house tour for the three of them, to which of course I oblige. O_oh_s and _ah_s emanate periodically from the lovers as I show them around. I make a point of piling praise on Saph for her help with sprucing up the place since Eve's last visit and, though she's as modest and bashful as ever, I can tell she appreciates it. We end things back in the living room, taking a minute to sit and rest while we discuss what to do next. It's mid-afternoon and the lovers like the idea of starting their holiday off with an evening in, travel having left them lethargic.

I kneel at a shelf and flick through my record collection in search of some background music, the sight of which triggers a reaction in two of my guests and moments later there are three of us huddled around the shelving unit, all staring intently at rows of LPs.

"I swear this is like three hundred bucks on Discogs!" Feather exclaims, carefully brandishing one of my vinyls and studying it with some amazement, their big bushy tail swaying carefully behind them, miraculously staying within a reasonable radius of their back.

I wonder if that's something all squirrels have to be particularly conscious of: keeping their long tails relatively tight to their bodies to avoid the risk of whacking passers-by or damaging property.

"It's animpressivecollection," Jay says, head bobbing rapidly in enthusiasticaffirmation ofhis own sentiment.

"It is, I'm jealous."

"Well if there's anything you'd like to spin, we canspin it," I declare, grinning and wagging with far less restraint than Feather.

The girls half watch on in amusement, half chat between themselves, neither of them havingquite the same fervorfor music as the three of us. Even Jay gradually loses interest - after his initial excitement has worn offandhe'shad a chance to shake his tailto afew requests- as Feather and I digdeepintomore and more obscure artists and sounds,it quickly becoming clearthat the squirrel and Iare _total_fucking music nerds.

"Eve says you produce." They wearan endearing buck-toothed grin as some experimental electronic blipping fills the room and the other three people filter out with talk of mixing up a batch ofcocktails and muttered promises of making enough for us and thatwe're free to comecollect themwhenever we bla bla bla. I'mfullyin music mode, andso is Feather. Their voice is airy and high, somewhat brittle. "That's really cool."

I run a paw through myhair and stareat the ceiling, shrugging. "I mean, sort of. It's totally just a hobby."

"I'd love to hear some of your stuff."

"It's not good, I'd-"

"I'm sure you're your own worst critic."

"It's still not good."

"Well,I stillwanna hear it. I promise I won't be ajudgy bitch."

"Maybe sometime, I'm pretty shy with it to be honest." I grimace, thenchoke out a laugh. "So, what about you?"

"Me? Oh! No, I don't make music at all, unless you count fucking around on GarageBand when I was a teenager." They wave a paw and go on, talking fast in a rapid fire of information. "But, like, I dohaveacreative outlet of my own. I'm - also totally a hobby thing, amateur hour stuff you know? Though don't tell Eve I said that orshe'll yell me into submission - but, I writepoetry. That's how I met Eve, actually."

"No shit, really? That's awesome. I had no idea." I admit, nodding vigorously, the rememberedknowledge that Eve writespoetry resurfacing in my mind and all of the context that goes alongwith it loading ingradually like an image-heavywebpagein the nineties. "So you met her at a local group, or?"

"No, well, no. It was on a forum actually, we gave some friendly critique on eachother's pieces a few times, one thing led to another and she slid into my DMs-"

"Always the aggressor, isn't she?"

"Exactly,"they laugh. "Well it turned out I didn't live so far away and yada yada, long story shortshe lured me into thiscultish budding polycule and transformedme into herlittle slave-minion. Now I follow her around and do her bidding."

"That'swonderful."

"Right? She's a very kindoverlord, no complaints."

I can't help but grin. Conversation flows between us freely, words and topics comingand goingwithout friction.I'm flipping the record and we're still talking.

"So," Isay, "this your first experience with polyamory?"

"No, though my previous experience was a bit of a trainwreck," they look inward and shake their head, "still, I'm glad that didn't put me off entirely." They frown, thenannounce they're going toget a cocktail. I feel weird and uncertain, though I'mnot sure why.

"Shall I-?" I make to stand, buttheyputa paw out,signaling for meto stop me.

"No, no, no. I'll bring oneback for you too, just give me a minute, I'llget a quick piss in while I'm at it."

I laugh, tell them where they can find the nearest bathroom, andthey leave, their big bushy tail swaying steadily.I feel hot of cheek and happy, andthen alone, an odd sort ofisolationsetting infromsittingheresolowhen so many guests are over. I switch out the electronic recordfor some R&B andstart mouthing the lyrics as it plays, staring out awindow at my driveand thinking about what I'm gonna say to Feather next.

They're back before I make up my mind. My spine straightens when I see them andI stand to take aglass from their outstretched paw, sipping before thinking.

"I'm back," they say.

"Mojito?" I ask.

"Mojito," they nod.

We clink, then drinktogether; they nod atthe record player. "What's this? I like it."

My tail wags like a giddy pup'satthe familiarjoyof sharingmusicIlove. I tell them all about it andthey actually seem to take it in, to care.They're singing choruseswith me by the second track, each of us giggling at our untrained, uneven vocals. The third track is more pared down and ambient so we get back to talking, eager to get to know one another better.

"Youstillactat all?" They ask, head tilted.

"Not really. Tried to get back into it a couple times, but..."

"I get it. You miss it?"

"Sort of. Sometimes.I've always loved music but, like, I kinda went all in on it after... Well,after."

"Yeah."

"So, it's sort of like replacing acting, in a way. Filling the creativevoid that itleft."

Nodding, asking about all sorts,tangents, comments, singing,I don't know. Seconds. Minutes.

I bring the second round through, warmly greeting Saph, Eve andJay when I step into the kitchen. They stop midconversation to jokinglymock me and, by proxy, Featherfor being absolutegeeks,butI flash a winning smile and assure them we'll come throughwhenthisrecord ends. Nobody raises an objection; they're all busyhaving fun anyway.Saph seems to be genuinelyenjoying herselfsat talkingwithJay and Eve, andI couldn't be happierforit.

I hurry back to Feather and pass them their drink.A few sips laterwe'rebackdeep in conversation.

"Wait, I know I haven't shownyou my music, but what ifI _do_on the condition thatyou showme your poetry?"

Theyfanair at their cheek and laugh abruptly. "Wow, a trade? Okay, sure. Well,maybe when I'm not so tipsy, but yeah, that's a reallysweet idea. I mean, I can be kinda shy with my writingtoo - when I can't just post it anonymously anyway- but, y'know,you're chill. I think thatwould be nice."

"Oh, I'm chill huh? Careful with such potentpraise, I might get an ego."

"Fishing for compliments are we?"

"They never hurt."

"Wow, bitch. I can see why Eve is so into you, but I'm not gonna ladle on the praise just yet.We're still strangers."

"Eve is into me huh?"

"Picking apart my unfortunate phrasing now?Then again, she might actually try to pull you into the old 'cule if you came out as bi."

I laugh, sort of strangely unsure what to say to that other than: "I couldn't with Eve even if I was into girls. She's like, my best friend, you know? Well, so is Saph, so-"

"Have Saph too then. You can have two if you want,you know?"

"Right? Exactly, like-"

"I mean, you can have three if you want, I won't stop you."

"You trying to get in on this fantasy foursome?"

A bit of a squeak escapes their muzzle and they giggle and shake their head in a mannerthat betrays a certain degree of drunkenness.Lightweight.

"I wasn't saying it like that, I-"

"So you're totally uninterested then?"

A smoldering scowl.

"I've got you figured out now,Ash."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah.I know exactly what you are."

"Go on then, show your hand. What am I?"

"You're a little fuckin' brat."

"A_b__rat_huh?"

"Buh. Ruh. Ah. Tuh."

"Oh, that must be so hard for you. Dealing with a teasing little bitch brat like me? Whatever will you do, pin me down and call me names?"

Where did that come from?

Mind ever so slightly disconnected from body. The onset of my owndrunkenness. Lightweight...

Swagger returning, outlandishness. Anxiety.

God I hope I'm not embarrassing myself. I hopethey don't take me _too_seriously.

They point at me, allaccusatory, whole body slightly swaying, giggling.

Actually these might have been our third drinks come to think of it.Either way, Saph poured them strong. Or Eve. I wouldn't put it past either of them. Or Jay, actually. Any of them could have done this to us.

"Bitch, I just might," they push their tongue out, teasingright back.

I feel a thump in my chest. I'm confused. What, am I terrified of my own tauntcoming true? Of being pinned down andhelpless? A position I loved, and now fear. Or am Iscared of scaring away somebody I've barely met but already really like by being too forward and strange? I want to be their friend. I feel that desireabnormally strongly. I want to get to know them.

I realize that neither of us have said anything in a little while. The music has stopped. They are biting their tongue, looking to the side. Embarrassed? Did I embarrass them?

I push myself to standing and offer a paw, which they take gingerly and follow me up, I pull them into a hug on instinct. At first they feel floppy, then firm, as theirconfidence returns. "I'mso gladIfinally got to meetyou, Feather."

"I was literally about to say the same thing to you"

I feel a warmth, a glow. The alcohol mostly, probably. A new person to care for...

"Literally the same thing? But my name's not Feather."

They skin my pelt with their unimpressed stare.

We rejoin the pack, all of whom are as buzzed us. We got started early didn't we? The evening has only just begun. We switch to wine and joke about how sophisticated we are, I feel a buzz very separate to that of the drunkenness: the low-key euphoria of being surrounded by these people, these queer, strange, caring individuals who find a kind of home and family in one another that doesn't exist elsewhere. I feel cozy and calm as our conversations spark, basking the room in light.

I'm sat between Saph and Jay as she talks me up and recounts anecdotes to a laughing, animated Eve and a wide-smiling Feather who's cuddling up to their ferret partner. It takes me a minute to realize Jay is cuddling up to me in much the same way. An affectionate drunk then, or perhaps a horny one. Feather side-eyes me, looking pointedly at Jay resting his head on my shoulder with an arm around me, then catching my gaze and winking. I stick out my tongue briefly, just how they did earlier, internally feeling a little overwhelmed, but not bad. Muddled, maybe.

Jay's muzzle to my ear, whispering: "You're so soft," in the distinct drawl of the drunk. Part of me stirs some. One of his paws brushes my thigh, his tail my ankle.

My tail brushes againsthis, mypaw his lower back, reciprocatingthe advance withoutprogressing it.After not toolong I straighten up, causing him to pull away. He flashes me a grin under half-lidded bedroom eyes,thenwe meltintothe group onceagain.

Saph and Eve are nattering away like sisters who've been apart fartoo long, gesturing and laughing, sometimes raising voices; the sight of themglues asmile to my face. I'm vaguely aware of Jay and Feather talking between themselves now. Vaguely aware that I'm sort of in the middle of it all but separate, for the moment.Not upset by that.

Saph pulls me in, though I only catch the second half of her sentence.

"-missing you like crazy. Ash thinks the world of you, you know?"

"And the universe of you." Eve counters, the back of her paw batting away the praise even as apull at the corner of her mouth and a certain gleam in her eyes saysexactly how happysheis to hear such a thing. The ferret shoves a finger atme. "It's always Saph this, Saph that with him."

"Obsessed with us, isn't he?" My husky housemateintones, leaning forward, talking it up as if thisweresome salacious gossip the world isn't ready to know. Seeing her be her true self so freely among newpeople is, in a word, wonderful.

"Totally. All he thinks about is us girls. Do you think the whole 'gay' thing is some elaborate cover up?" Eve asks, playing the accusationtotally straight. Saph's eyes go wide and she splutter-laughs, the wine she was sippingbrieflystuck in her throat as she digests Eve's claim instead.

"All projection and poorly masked lust." I interject loudly, confident and excitable as alcohol blurs my inhibitions."Eve,it's clear you'll stop at nothing in your quest to get a piece of me."

She raises her paws in surrender. "Oh, you've got me, I'm a problematic queen and I know it. Been befriending and trying to sleep with gay boys for years now."She gestures expressively as she talks, alcohol and company somehow making her evenmore boastful and willfully ridiculous than usual.

Ireach out and tapher nose. "Careful queen, I know your socials. Don't makeme cancel you."

"Maybe that's what I want. It'll only make me famous."

"Eve!" Saph squeals, the word devolving into an infectious laughter that spreads between the three of us.

Saph's made a friend for life here, I just know it. She's glowing too. We all are. It strikes me that I haven't felt this guiltlessly happy in god knows how long. Fuck. I could cry. When's the last time I cried withjoy?

Banter, talk of life and living, of world events and social ones, of art and love and past and future. Morphing conversations whereever-changingpods of two or three talk between themselveswhile the others do the same, talking across one another orsometimes all together, all of us finding something to say to each otheras if it's easy - evennatural - andby some miracle, today,it is.

"You know what? I'd love nothing more than to cap off the eveningwitha dip in yourpool, if that's alright with you?" Jay asks, his paw to my chest and his eyes on mine, a theatrical and emphatic display, as if thiswere the most important thing he'd ever asked of anyone. Silly flirtatiousfun, but his eyes and gently compressing touch tell methere's somethingmore to that flirting than the grandstandingit's beingpresentedas. I stir and think and wonder and almost forget that his words actually demand some form of response.

"Oh, uh, of course! While you're here, what's mine is yours." I spread my arms. "That goes for all of you."

Excited commotion and calls to arms. Feather and Saph join Jay in heading off to change into theirswimwear. It strikes me that I never actuallygot around to buyinga costume, though I don't bring it up. I stay sat with Eve. She scooches up close to me, trapping me in a hug for a few seconds,saying she'll join the others soon, but before I can explain my position she grabs one of my paws and squeezes it as she looksinto my eyes.

"It'ssogood to be close enough totouch you," she says. "You know, we talk and hang online, and that's great, but it can't compare to this."

"I know. I miss you when you're not around. Thank the stars for Saph, otherwise I'd be a total loner most days."

She's tight lipped as she nods. She inhales and smiles. "Hey, at least with the wedding you'll have a good excuse to come down and visit_us_soon." She examines my face, inspectingmy reaction. I nod gently, all those awful thoughts and difficult memories from earlier threatening to flood back into my mind. How successful I am at stopping them, I can't say. "You know, if you can make it, of course." She adds, I offer a smile. "That is, if you even want to."

The words catch in my head, and stay caught as Saph makes a reappearance dressed in her sleek, blackone-piece swimming costume.

"Oh, I'm the first ready," she notes,peeringinto the garden at the empty pool.

"Gold medal, well done," Eve says, clapping. Saph mimes celebrating with a bottle of champagne.

"You know what, why mime.Wecould_actually_break out the champagne," she says, looking to me for approval, as if she needs it. I nod. Jay bursts in as she's fetching a bottle, swaggering through injusthis trunks, showing off hisbare, toned chest. I suppress the impulse to whistle orhigh-five Eve for bagging him.

Jay's first point of order, however is to stop in the center of the room and offerme a big flirtywink whilerunning a paw over his chest in a show of exaggerated sexuality. Eve gets up and pretends to hit him over the head. "Behave, you."

He grabs her arm and does a little growl, thenkisses her, she reciprocates, her free arm running up his back.They pull apartlooking hot and hazy. I imagine a strand of saliva still connecting them. "Is that good behavior, mistress?"

"You'rea dick," is Eve's laughing response.

"Champagne?" Saph asks, thrusting glasses at Eve and Jay who each take onewith muttered thanks and agreement.

"Champagne in the pool? Sounds decadent." It's Feather.

I admit I was curious to seewhat they'd be wearing. My eyes freelyexplore their largely-bare figure, clad ina two piece floralbikini, the top half of which covers their maybe A cupbreasts while the bottom snugly packs away their equipmentleaving a modest but, to me, rather attractive bulge.

I find myself staring a little longer than I know I should, but they don't seem to notice. I feel the heat of embarrassment rise to my cheeks as they too go in for a kiss with Eve, triggering me tofinally avert my gaze from the specifics of their form. Oh lordthey're kinda hot, aren't they? I really didn't expect to feel that way about thembut,I don't know, I'm confused.The overtly feminine side of them really doesn't do anythingfor me, but the way that femininitymelds with therest of their presentation - creating a sort ofeffeminate androgyny - is pushing buttons I didn't know I had.

Champagne is pouredand the three costumed mammals urge us to join them soon as they make their egress to the pool. Eve assures themwe will, and then we're alone again. I remember Eve's last comment to me and, though it could be as innocent a statement as anything, I feel uncertain and anxious all at once.

"So," she drawls out the word, turning to me after watching her lovers and Saphsubmerge themselves in water.

"I can tell you want to say something," I hear myself saying.

"It's nothing really. I just want to knowwhat you think about the wedding."

The taste of Kale's cum emerges from memory. The guilt of whatwe did together. My panic from earlier. I shake my head.

"Well it's greatnews, right?"

"Right," she says, smiling. She sips her champagne. "Agreed." Hesitation. She taps the side of her glass with a claw. "You seemed overwhelmed earlier, when you found out about it." I go very still. My thoughts are muddy. "I can imagine any number of possible reasons - make up explanations in my head - but if you want to share your thoughts, I'd love to listen."

I go to sip my champagne, then stop. Too tipsy, drunk maybe. Need to sober upa little. I feel a slight tremor in my paw as I handle the drink, so I force it into stillness by gripping my chair instead.

I can't tell her about Kale's visit. Not now, not yet. Saph was right: I need this holiday, Eve deserves it too, I can't turn it into anxiety hell for the both of us. At the same time I can't tell her nothing. And, it's Eve, I can't lie to her. The only thing for it is to admit toa different set of truths.

"Well, it wasa fewthingsat once.My initial reactionto seeingthat invitationwas just, like, shock." Eve nods along as I speak, encouraging mebutstayingquiet, letting me fill my own silence. "There was also- just a tinge - of jealousy there..."

"I thought that might be part of it. You'vehad yourthing for Kale," she's soft spoken and serious, her usual campness and sarcasm totally absent, mindful of my feelings.

"Yeah. You can relate, I know."

A soft laugh. "I had my timewith that, yes."

"I guess I never _fully_let those feelingsgo. It's not,like, a _big_thing for me any more, Ijustfelta sort of pang when I saw that invite, the senseof missing out ona chance I never really had." She nods again, patient and attentive.

"I get it, totally." Her mouth closes tight as she retreats into memories, perhaps reliving her ownfeelings from times past. "Is that why youwere so shocked? Part of you thought the day that wolf settled down wouldnevercome?"

"Sort of? But, well, my shock was mostlyseparate to the news itself or how it made me feel, itwas morethe surprise of actuallybeinginvited in the first place."

Her ears perk, she regards me with a tilt of her head, takes another sip, tail swishing irregularly behind her. "What do you mean?"

"Well, I think you're at least vaguely aware that I haven't been particularly close with Adrian since I returned to Canada." She nods, a small frown distorting her features. "And he's the one who messaged me hinting about the invite in the first place, _he's_the one inviting me."

"So it's an olive branch."

"No, Eve, what I mean is- Well, let me explain. Yes, I've never been all that close with Adrian, but for the past-" I cut myself off, stopping myself from saying the words two years. I can't be so obvious about the timing of things. "For a good while now, I've not been all that close with Kale, either."

"What?" She seems genuinely taken aback.

"Yeah, I don't know. We spent less time together and didn't chat so muchas themonths went by.Eventually wekinda juststopped hanging out altogether."

"Didn't he fly up here a couple years back?"

I nod. "And we had a good time, but, yeah, things just didn't last with us, I guess." Eve scrunches her eyes shut and grimaces, something about this informationnot sitting well with her at all. "We're not on bad terms, we just very rarely actually say much to one another any more."

"I mean, I kinda got the vibe you two weren't quite as close asyou once were, but I didn't realize it was that bad." She pulls in a breath, staring at me, mouth partially open but stuck in that uncertainmoment for a second, then: "Did something happen when-" She shakes her head, waves a paw. My heart thumps. "Forget it. Forget it." I'm already trying to. "That's a shame though. I get it then, why you were so shocked when you saw the invite." I nod along with her this time. "But you bonded with them both - andwithme - overthatcrazy, horrible series ofevents before you left the country. They haven't forgotten about any of that, and haven't forgotten aboutyou. They both care for you deeply,even if you don't talk muchany more.I'm certain of that.You said Adrian even messaged hinting at the invite, right?"

"Yeah."

"Then they want you to come, whether you're stillclose with either of them or not."

"You really think so?"

"Definitely," she stresses the word, eyes wide. She means it, and she knows them better than I do, Adrian especially. "Obviously that doesn't mean you _have_to go. It's time and money and effort.But - also obviously - I'd like you to. I'll be there, Jay, Feather - you can even stay with us if you want. I know Kale and Adrian would love to catch up with you too. Look, before you say anything, I want to make it clear that they wouldn't have sent the invite if they didn't _genuinely_want you there. It's not gonna be some huge ceremony, this is a close-ones-only kinda deal. They _want_you there, Ash."

I think she's right, I'm just not convinced that their - Adrians? - motives for seeing me againare as straightforwardas she believes. She lacks context, and I'm not giving it to her, not yet. Something has become very clear to me now though. Evedoesn't knowwhat went downbetween Kale and I two years ago. I've got the dreadful suspicionthat Adrian doesn't either.

"Okay," I say. "I'll think about it." And I could leave it there but I don't. The same memories, ad infinitum, the same feelings and flashes, the blood and thepain and the fear. "There's another factor that's kinda been keeping me away from visitingthough."

"What is it?"

"That whole city..." He's here in the room. His presence is felt now, more than seen. His hot breath. His judgmental, ethereal gaze pricking pins into the back of my neck. Not as prominent as he used to be, but he's there. "It reminds me of Marty."

She opens her mouth, closes it, stands up, shakes her head, approaches, pulls me into a hug. "Oh Ash, of course it does." She's still shaking her head, I can feel her chin on my shoulder. "I didn't even think."

"It's okay," I assure her. Not feeling constricted or threatened in her grip - even in the presence of the otter - only comforted, only loved.

"It's not. It never was, never will be."

"I'm alright."

She nods. I can feel it. She keeps nodding.

"Only come if you're absolutely sure, okay?"

"Okay."

It takes a couple of minutes, half a glass of champagne each, small talkand a few shaky laughs for us to reachequilibrium again.

"Oh," she says at a break in conversation. "Before we go out and join them, I wanted to mentionone last thing. It's not so deep this time, don't worry."

"Yeah?" I try and fail to abate my returning nerves.

"You've told me about your issues with trust and intimacy, how you'vestruggledtofeel sexually fulfilled because of them-"

"Sounds pretty deep to me. Or is this just an excuse for you to bully me?" I combat my anxiety with teasing.

"Oh, of course. But, also, I wanted to mention, like, you've talked to Jay a decent bit, met him a couple times. If you feel comfortable with him and maybe wanna try fulfilling some of those pent up, unmet desires with that wolfof minethen... he's totally up for it."

I cough up my lastsip of champagne. "Are you serious?"

"Of course! He's a hottie, don't deny it."

"I mean, yes,he's obviously extremely attractive, but real talk - I know you're poly and I'm sure you'vegot some degree of openness going on, but are you _really_okaywith your boyfriend wanderingoff and fucking me?"

"Yes," she says with an emphatic nod; to her it's totally unremarkable. It's not that it's so completelyforeign to me either,butsinceKale's visit I've been extrasensitive about crossinglines. "For us it's like this:as long as there's consistentcommunicationabout ourfeelingsand what or who we're doing, then there's no problem. We're like nouveau hippies." She puts uptwo piece signs and affectsa stonervoicefor a second. "Free love, man. But, seriously, that's the thing for me and Jay: when we opened up our relationship it wasn't on a whim, andit wasn't _for_anyone in particular - it happened before I even knew Feather - it's just like, to us, love is this flowing, endless, brilliant thing thatshouldbe shared and spread, not bound. No judgment to y'all monogamists,of course."

Ichuckle, then shake my head slowly. "No, I get it, sounds almost noble when you put it like that. And you can't call me amonogamist, I'm single."

"And looking?"

"Eve, honey, you know I love you, just not like that."

She clicks her fingers. "Damn." She laughs and so do I. "But, you know, about Jay, I'm serious, and so is he."

I look out the glass doors and see him smiling, stood up, bodyhalf-submerged in water, seemingly watching Feather and Saph as theyswimlaps. Maybe they're racing. If so, Saph iswinning. Go girl.

I get the feeling that they're looking out for me. All of them. Saph, Eve, even Jay. I don't know Feather well enough to lump them inwith the rest, but either way I know that I'm surrounded by people who loveme and want to see me thrive.

I don't feel worthy of that love. I'm a lazy, sorry-for-myself fuck with a more comfortable lifestyle than I deserve and right now I'm keeping things from those who care about me. That's not even tomention the whole 'murderer' thing.

Howis it that kindness can leave me feelingso worthless?

Come on Ash. Come on. You're surrounded by love. Let it in. For once, just let it in.

"I'll keep it in mind," I tell her.

"If he's too forward just let him know and he'll stop. The last thing any of us want to do is overstep anyboundaries."

"Oh, of course. You may be a band of perverts, but you're honorable ones."

"Exactly. See, this is why we get along so well. You_get_me." She winks and stands abruptly. "Alright I'm getting jealous of those three in the pool. I'm gonna goget changed."

"I'll see you out there," I respond, rising slowly as she waves her approval and hurries to her room.

I stand there for maybe a minute, pouring myself another drink and just watching as Feather and Jay engage in some sort of water fight, Saph cheering on,sat at the edge of the pool, polishing off her own glass of champagne. I remind myself that Marty isn't here, or anywhere. I remind myself that the consequences of what happened between Kale and I have waited two years to be felt, thatthey can wait a while longer yet. I remind myself that I love these people, and thatthey love me, and that not feelingworthy doesn't change those facts. I feel a little better.

Jay spots me standing there alone and beckons me. I make a show of opening up a fresh bottle of champagne and bringing it with me as Iheadoutside.

"Who needs a refill?" A chorus of 'me'greets my ears and I dutifully do my job as host, topping up their glasses one by one.

"Not getting in the pool?" Jay asks, arms folded as he leans over the side of the pool, lookingup at me.

"I forgot to buy trunks."

"This is _your_pool!"

I hear the glass doors slide open behind me as I say: "I normally swim nude."

"Still no trunks?" Eve asks, emerging in a navy swimsuit.

"I knew this would happen, I should have reminded him," Saph sighs.

"I'm a forgetful exhibitionist, okay?" I catch Eve's gaze. "That's about what you wanted to hear, right?"

"Yeah, that'll do. Well, you gotta join us anyway. Live that exhibitionist life and strip for us, boy."

Jay whistles at the ideawhileFeather watches on in silence,a curious grinplaying across their muzzle.Part of me wants to do as Eve suggests, the thought providing more than a little thrill- I guess I _do_have some exhibitionisttendenciesafter all - but therein lies the problem, I don't want to workmyselfup putting on a show and end up baring a clearly aroused, throbbingmember in front of all of them.Honestly though, Eve would have a ball with that. Saph wouldn't care too much andJay would probably enjoy it. As for Feather? I really couldn't say. Oh my god,why am I even considering this?I'm clearlyeven more sexually frustrated than I had thought.

"I don't think so. You'll have to subscribe to my OnlyFur for that kind of content."

"Oh, hot, send me the link," Eve says, not missing a beat as she enters the pool.

"Hell yeah, get that bread," Feather adds in a lilt,clicking their fingers.

"Well shit, maybe I should start one after all."

Laughter, chatter. I put on somemusic, selecting my playlist_Chill Beats to Relax/Swim_ to. Feather seems to vibe with it,bopping their head toin time with the musicand twitching their tail where itpokesout of the water. I sit bythe sideof the pool, justwatching them.

Saph swims over. "Babe, just get in in your underwear, better than moping around up there." I open my mouth to protest but she pre-empts my response, mimicking my voice. "'I'm not moping.' Okay, whatever, just get in, we want you."

For a moment I'm surprised by herinsistence, but I really _would_like to join them, and she knows it. "Well when you ask so nicely, honey, how can I deny you?"

I strip my outer layers right there, folding my clothes and placing them carefully a bit back fromthe water.I quickly gather acrowd of onlookers and receivemore whistlingfrom Jay, someclapping and cheering from Eve and a 'yes bitch, slay' from Feather, which amuses me greatly. I think I'm starting to see the real them- the inhibition-light, tipsyversion at least - and I'mso glad for it.

Soon enough I'm in nothing but a pair of purplebriefs andI do a little twirl to acclaim frommyaudience. I can't deny it: I enjoythe attention.

Obviouslytheir vigorous praise andencouragement is, in large, ashow - a fun collaborativeperformance between friends. They'd likely bemaking thesame noises even if I was the ugliest dog on earth. I care about my appearance; I try to look good, dress welland keep myself properlygroomed, and I try not to be too self-critical about my weight, but the truthis I'm fat. There's a crowdfor that, sure, but when met with such unmitigated adoration from my friends Ican't help but ponder exactly how_much of it is fake. I used to be thinner, younger, hotter. Sure, that last point isn't objective,but attimes like this I have toreckonwiththe fact that itiswhat_I think.Thetruthis I don't _feel_hot any more. I miss it.

I'm smiling back at the faces smiling up at me as I enter the pool,they eachexudekindness and joy, but my head is brimming with self-doubt and dysmorphia. Still, Jay's obviouslechery meanstheir collectiveadoration can't be_all_fake,andfor the first time in a long while I'mconsideringputting the effort in tolosea few pounds, or stone;that's a desireI'd like to keep hold of.

Saph clasps my shoulder once I'min and asks how I'm holding up, innocent but soft spoken, the others can't hear. I consider exactly how to respond for a few seconds, paddlingidlyto occupy myself and getting used to the odd, heavy and not entirely secure feeling of wearing underwear in water.

"Better than I thought," I settle on. "Looks like the samegoesfor you."

She turns and scans the pool, watching the three lovers chat merrily among themselves. "I really like them," she says. "Eveespecially. She'sfunny andout-there, but thoughtful, and a really good listener too."

"Sounds like you're smitten, girl."

She splashes me. "I've barely even met the woman!"

I consider splashing back before deciding to avoid theinevitably losing battle. "Justteasing."

"I know, but rememberwhat they say about glass houses. I've seen you and Jayall over eachother."

"Ah, but for me it's all about sex. For you it's nothing but love," I put on a cutesy voice and hold my paws up, clasped together, tilting my head to rest my cheek on them.

She splashes me again, then retreats a step andholdsher middle fingers up. "That's the problem with your depraved, horny brain Ash: you're projecting your desireson to me. It's as if for you - unless you're talking to a girl - there's no such thing as a friend and youbecomeincapable of anything outside of that classictrinary: fuck, marry, kill."

I shake my head and whistlelow. "Wow. Going there, are we?"

She flinches and waves her paws in front of her frantically, realizing exactly what she just said. "Oh shit, I really didn't considermy phrasing there, did I?"

"Not one bit," I confirm, she frowns and her brow furrows, lookingtome in search of swift forgiveness. "I mean, you don't see me going around marrying people do you?" I flash a dark smile and she half chokes, half laughs.

"God I never know with you," shakes her head, laughs again, closesin, hugs me.

"I'm a mystery to myself sometimes," I admit. We pull apart, she studies me with a sort of sad curiosity. "Okay, most of the time."

"Endlessly confounding isjust how Ilike you."Shepats my head. "Keep on staying strong, you big softie."

"Try and stop me."

A smile, a meaningful look, another briefer hug, then she's off to intercept Eve and I'm left in momentary isolated hesitation, in truth still batting back flashbacks: the unintended side effect of Saph's comment. It's times like this that I can feel the cold razor blade between the thumb andforefingerof my right paw, and my grip on the back of his head with my left. Sometimes I hyper-focus on the details. The glint of light reflectingagainst the metal as I lifted it upto his throat. His skin parting as the blade separated it with ease, gashing surprisingly deep into flesh as Idragged the razoracross his throat with every ounce of my strength. The blood seemed to seep and spray simultaneously. I was getting drench-

"In another world?" Jay asks, leaning over the edge of the pool to pick up his champagne glass.

"Oh, sorry,kind of,yeah. More like a past life." I copy him, grabbing my own drink then leaning back against the poolside.

"Hey, nothing to apologize for." Hetakes a sipand looks me up and down. "I'dthoroughly enjoy your company whether you talkedto me or not."

"You don't halfcome on strong, do you?"

"Too much?"

"If I said yes, would thatactually stop you?"

"Do you really want to risk it?" His toothy, goofy, flirty grinbreaks me down and I laugh. He _is_hot. I don't really feel worthy of his attentions, but whatever, if hewants_this_I'm not gonna stophim frommaking thatclear.

For a second I cast my eyes over to Eve, Saph and Feather. They're talking loudly and enthusiastically about something or other, though I can't tell what. Eve laughs and Featherleans in to ruffle her slick wet hair. I have the fleeting sensationof missing out, though quite on what I couldn't say. Feather turns our wayand their eyes meet mine and their smile is warm and wide,I wave, then - feelinginexplicablyawkward and flustered - turnbackto Jay.

"You know, if I do let youatme, I'm not letting Eve watch," I say, decidingto push and see how serious he really is.

"Oh, of course not! Frankly, I'd love the excuse to haveyou all to myself," he leans in and winks, tracing a finger up my chest before pulling back again. He coughs and grins, suddenly looking all bashful. "Just to be clear, this isn't a 'bit'. If you want this,just say the word and you can have it."

I nod slowly. "I know, I know." I take a sip. "I'm still debating. I'llsee how I feel when we wrap things up for the night, okay? I'm notgoingtorandomlydisappear on my roommate and your partners for a bit of wolf dick."

"For a_lot_of wolf dick," he corrects. Iexhale sharply,caught off guardand feelingafamiliar heat warmingmy groin. "And that's quite alright withme, little dog. Don't do anything you don't want to."

Feather appears behind Jay- to my eyes totally out of the blue, having beensolaserfocusedon the wolf - wrapping their arms around himand poking their muzzle over his right shoulder, the tip of their long tail curling over his left.

"Hey fags," the squirrel chimes.

"God,I love you when you're drunk," Jay says, turning his head to nuzzle up against them.

"Only when I'm drunk?"

"Oh hush."

It's getting dark now, lateeveningissettling around us, framing us in the soft, paleglow of a sun about to set. Jay twists and lifts Feather up, the action made easier by the water, pressing his nose to theirs, staring into their eyes, then kissing them. Their public display ofaffection issweet and heartwarming and pure, butalso astarkreminderof how long it's been since mylast romantic relationship, andthat in three years I haven't come close to starting a new one.

"Hey Feather," I say when the two of them are separate entities once again.

"Thought I'd come over here and see how you two kings are holding up. Am I third wheeling it?"

The idea of them feeling unwelcome tears at me with quite unexpected ferocity. "Gosh, no, not at all. I'm glad you're here!"

"Well good because," theypoint behind their back at the two girls. "The lesbian chemistry going on over there? Please. I didn't stand a chance."

The ferret and husky in question are huddled close, chattingback and forth, each now with drink in paw, their free paws exhibiting a lot of expressive gesturing,laughter and exuberance radiating from each of them.

"Holy fuck. My girlSaph isthe opposite of asocial butterfly, what's going on?"

"When Eve has her sights seton you she works some sort ofvoodoo magic, I swear. Anything to bed a target."

I shake my head. "No, not Saph.Wait,I did tell her Saph'sace, didn't I?"

"Shoot!You definitely did; Everelayed thatto us actually," they knock the top of their head as if checking to see if it's hollow. "I'm just a forgetful dumbass."

"Don't worry, if you made Saphuncomfortable I'd be more scared for _your_health than hers."

They raise an eyebrow. "Noted."

"Ooh, so, this is the first time you two have met, isn't it?" Jay asksrhetorically, finger wagging back and forth between the two of us. "Come on, first impressions, lay them on me."

"Just like that, huh? You want some sort offormal testimony onhow we feel about one another? I don't really think that's the done thing," I point out, blinking, suddenly feelingslightly nervous.

"Maybe it should be."

"Isthat your polite way of letting me know you don't like me?" Feather asks.

"No, not at all, not one b-" My sentence stops abruptly when I catch their smug little smirk anglingup at me. "You know what? Fine," I say, gaze snapping backtoJay. "First impressions are: they're a little fucking brat."

Jay laughs, Feather's tail flicks and they let out a shocked gasp. "Honey, areyou really just gonnacopy what I called you earlier?Hardly original."

"Am I wrong?" I'mthe onesmirking now. They're acting offended, but alcohol allows me confidence in thebelief that they're enjoying this.

"You're definitely not wrong," Jay inserts.

"Fuck me, am I getting tag teamed now?" They ask, throwing their paws upfor emphasis.

"Well, if Ash is down for that,thensure."

That shuts Feather up. Their tongue pokes out under their buck teeth and a single, muffled chuckle echoes out of them, their gaze sort of set vaguely on Jay's chest, ears turned toward him as if trying very hard to ignore my presence. The silence they leave forces me to respond.

"I, uh," find that I have no idea what to say. It's obviously just a joke; or it would be if said bymost anyone. For Eve's gang of pervertsthe 'just' part is in question.

I'm saved from my state of surprise and uncertainty by Jay, perhaps sensing my hesitance or assumingthatthe comment made me uncomfortable. It didn't but... I wasn't ready for it either. "So, Feather, yourfirst impressions? Ash gave his."

The squirrel seems to reset then, straightening up so that the top half of their bikini fullyemerges from the pool, inhaling sharply and refocusing on the ongoing conversation. "First impressions? I could reaffirm the brat thing, but that's already clear. No, seriously though? Ash seems really sweet. Heshares a lot of my sense of humor and I guess I find him superinteresting. I'd like to pick his brain some more, find out more about him. Seems like we have a good few things in common and, he can correct me if I'm wrong but, I feel like we've got on really well so far. I'm looking forward to spending more time with him."

"Wow, a glowing review."

There's a warmth in my cheeks and a puppy dogwag to my tail, though it's quite effectively masked and slowed by the water.

"In light of these developments," I announce, alcohol propelling me forward. "I'd like to revise my first impression of your squirrel partner."

"Too late," Jay teases in a sing song voice. "You were right the first time anyway."

"Oh, humor me." He nods, I smile and go on. "I didn't know muchabout Feather going in to today, and I hadn'tmet anynon-binary folkuntil now, so I just want to say, as a totally unknowing andunwittingambassador of all gender non-conforming individualseverywhere, they've done a great job." Jay claps as if he were an uproariously applauding audience of one, meanwhile Feather does a formal bow face first into the water, laughing and flashing a toothy grin as they come up. Any lingering nerves I had fade away."And, addendum," _ooh_s from the gallery. "As a lifelong male-loving gay boy, Ihave to admit thatthey're looking pretty fuckin'hot in that bikini."

"The tag team dream lives on," the wolf announces loudly to the sky, spreading his arms wide. Wefall about laughing.

There's more chatter, swimming, splashing,floating, simply beingaround one another, basking in the presence of great company.Timesoongets away from us, moments slipping through our fingers likewater, but glittering asthey go.

The sky takes on a dark orange hue, alerting us to the setting of the sun. The five of us converge, subconsciouslygrouping in the middle of the pool, looking upand making appreciative noises. Our collective hive mind decides thatwe should get out, pour another drink and toast to the sunset, andwho are weto arguewith the hive mind? Intheocherglow of the dying light I see a beauty in every one of us that runs far deeper than fur, and I know that I wouldn't tradebeinghere right now - doing this, with these people - for anything.