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"I've always been a coward

And I don't know what's good for me

Oh, here I go"

Kate Bush,

' Hounds of Love'

We're laughing and chatting over Chinese takeout, playing poker - badly - buzzed and happy. Our collective energy is a little lower now, sure, but it's still there; eating helps. Outside it's gone dark, but in the comfort of my dining room it's bright, warm and joyous as day. It's only a matter of minutes until we're all stuffed and sated, and when we're finished eating and have wrapped up the game - Saph won - Eve suggests we all get comfy in the living room and watch a movie. Jay proposes some big budget thriller, which we go for, and in spite of the takeout nobody objects when I suggest popcorn.

Saph comes with me while I prepare it, chattering at me happily and helping bring portions through when ready. On our return we find the three lovers occupying a single sofa - snuggled close together - so after handing out the snacks Saph and I settle on a smaller couch, her sat cross legged and straight, eating popcorn from her lap and me leaning on her shoulder lazily as I navigate menus with the remote, attempting to find the right streaming service for the film.

As the movie progresses our banter and offhand remarks slow, snacking commences and concludes and we switch to soft drinks from alcohol, not wanting to suffer hard hangovers on our first full day together tomorrow. We lay back and to the side and on one another, our snuggliness increasing in tandem with tiredness. Eve lays her head across Jay's lap as he reclines, arms spread across the backrest, Feather wrapped around him on the other side, their snout nuzzling into the athletic wolf's neck, his bare chest very much on show as he relaxes in his chosen lounge wear: a pair of loose cotton pajama pants and, no, nothing else, that's all he's wearing. Makes it hard to pay all that much attention to the TV.

I'm cuddled up to Saph the way I often am on lazy nights in, the two of us laying across the sofa, me sort of big-spooning and draping an arm over her which she clutches as she focuses intently on the screen, reacting viscerally to every story beat. My little movie geek.

When the credits roll and Saph and Jay and Eve are trading opinions about the characters, story and overall quality of the film, I notice Feather smirk right at Saph and me. I raise an eyebrow.

"You two make such a cute couple," they say.

I roll my eyes pointedly. Saph chuckles and wiggles back up against me.

"You really think so?" She asks.

"Oh, absolutely."

I expel an obvious and exaggerated sigh. "Heteronormativity strikes again."

They appear stunned for a second before laughing loudly, putting a paw up to cover their muzzle as they do so. "Oh yes, you've got a room full of conventional heterosexuals right here, you must feel so very oppressed right now, Ash."

"Oh, absolutely. I can barely breathe in such a stifling atmosphere."

"That's it," Eve announces, standing. "Bedtime for me. Anything to get away from that husky drama queen," she flashes a wink my way.

"Come on," I say. "Saph's not that bad."

I earn a laugh for that, but only one. "Nice try."

"Anyway, there's no doubt it's all an excuse to go off and fuck your loving partners," I continue, bringing myself up to sitting.

"Usually it would be, but not tonight, I'm absolutely exhausted," she lets off a loud yawn as if to prove her point. It proves contagious, quickly spreading to both Feather and Saph.

"Yeah, sleep sounds good," Feather agrees, wearing a soft smile and cuddling up to Eve. "Been wonderful meeting the both of you today and, well, I suppose there's no need for goodbyes, I'll see you in the morning."

We say our goodnights to the two of the them, the remaining three of us electing to stay up a little longer, retreating to the dining room once again and making hot cocoa, sitting around the table and shooting the shit. Jay starts tidying as we talk, having spotted the mounting stacks of trash and dishes to deal with. I protest but he protests right back. Saph thanks him and helps out. I feel like I should probably help too, but, I don't know, they've got it covered.

"You know? It's crazy. I was really nervous about so many new people staying over - maybe it hasn't seemed that way, but I'm really not a people person," Saph says, turning on the dishwasher. "But, like, it's been great. All of you are great."

"Wow, well, I try not to argue too much with compliments," Jay says, his tail wagging. He spreads his arms wide, Saph does the same and they hug. With my elbow on the table and head cradled in my paw I hide my smile behind extended fingers. "You really don't need to be a regular people person for us anyway: Eve, Feather and I aren't exactly regular people, are we?"

"Well, no, you're not. I guess I prefer it that way, huh?"

"That was obvious from how much you love that husky roommate of yours," he says, pointing at me. "Us weirdos have to stick together, right?"

He's hot, funny and a sweetheart to boot. Damn, where exactly did Eve find this fallen angel? I could do with one of my own.

Ugh. Tired brain is getting needy apparently, and horny.

Saph nods. "I'm so lucky to know him, and live with him. Apart from for all of the usual reasons - I never would have met the three of you otherwise."

"You're welcome," I butt in. "I'm a dog with connections."

"You're a dog of many hidden talents and uses, I know," Saph says.

Hearing that, Jay catches my eye and winks. No doubt he has some _very_specific uses for me in mind. Huff. I clear my throat, and try to flip the script on him. "Careful Saph, you're getting our guest all riled up."

She raises an eyebrow - looking toward Jay, who shrugs apologetically - then laughs. She scratches the back of her head and seems embarrassed as she says: "oh, I see. I'm getting in the way of something here aren't I? Well, I best get to bed."

"No, no, you're wonderful company. There's plenty of time for other things later, or another night," Jay assures her. "That's _if_Ash is even up for them in the first place."

She waves a paw dismissively. "I was about to turn in anyway. Really, don't worry about it."

Jay thinks, then nods, wisely deciding against over-arguing the point. I can see that Saph's uncomfortable now - the clench of the paw on her thigh, the stiff and measured sway of her tail - it's nothing exaggerated or obvious, but for somebody who knows her and loves her as I do, it's clear. And, damn it, I did this. Sidelining her with our vague sexual tension when sex isn't exactly her forte was bound to make her feel excluded and unwanted. Damn dumb, horny, tired brain.

"Saph, honey," I say, getting up and clasping one of her paws in mine. "I absolutely promise that you're not getting in the way of anything. There are no set plans or arrangements here. Spending more time with_both_ of you would be a wonderful way to end the night in my opinion. And, according to present company, I'm a rather admirable husky, so you should take my opinion very seriously."

She seems to calm, tension oozing out of her. She lets a smile spread across her muzzle as she stares at me. Disaster management successful. She laughs once, shakes her head, then winks.

"Well, even with all that in mind, I still think I could do with some rest. I'll see you boys in the morning." She twists and struts away with swaying hips and a wagging tail. Jay and I wish her goodnight as she goes, but she doesn't turn or speak, she merely waves over her shoulder before disappearing from view.

When she's gone I turn my attentions to Jay. His eyes aren't on me, no, they're all over me. He approaches, taking his time to appreciate every bit of me, until he finally locks his eyes on mine, drawing me into a staring match. "So," he says.

"So," I say, flashing a smirk and tilting my head, running a paw across the back of my neck. Coy and casual all at once.

He grins wide, closes in, takes my wrists in his paws. A split moment of panic, a couple seconds of fear, then calm. This is okay. This is good.

He leans in and gently nips one of my ears, the undercurrent of a growl echoing out of his throat as he does so. I gasp and let forth a little nervous, excited chirp. He says, "I've been waiting all day for this."

I try to play it cool. "And what makes you so sure I'm down for it anyway?"

"Your eyes spent more time on me than the movie."

I avert my gaze on instinct. A small awkward giggle ejects itself from my muzzle. A rush of adrenaline hits and there's a hammering in my chest.

"You noticed."

Another nip, another low, rolling growl.

"I'm a wolf of many hidden talents."

I move a paw to his clothed thigh, running it from his side to his crotch. There's a bit of a tent. A small damp patch.

"All day, you say?"

He nods. "That's right."

"Didn't even wait until you were off the plane to start daydreaming about me then?"

The look on his face is all the answer I need.

*

He splays back on my bed, arms and legs spread. "Wow, this thing is fucking comfy."

"Ah, so that's why you followed me up to my room?"

"Well, you have to admit it's a great chance to snoop around." He twists onto his side and rests his chin on his paw, elbow propped up on the bed beneath it. "Nice digs. I love the color scheme. Elegant and pretty, like you."

I smirk and saunter over, stroking up his still lounge-pants-covered leg again before hooking the tips of my fingers around their hem and pulling just slightly, revealing another inch of bare fur on his side. "Since when am I elegant?"

"Oh, I don't know, you carry yourself a certain way, you deftly handle whatever comes your way - no matter how absurd it is - and you're an absolute cutie. I think I'm just gushing at this point, but hopefully that counts that as some sort of explanation."

"Kinda feels like I have a fan club of one hanging out in my room."

"Are you trying to say that I'm obsessed with you?"

"Aren't you?"

"I'm not really the tsundere type, so how about I just admit that I am?" He reaches forward and trails his fingers down my side before gripping me and tugging me toward him, pulling me in a juddering half step until his muzzle is practically resting against the outline that my sheath leaves in my pajama pants. He pokes his nose forward and says: "boop."

It's silly, it's cute. I should smile, I should laugh, but no.

A brief shiver racks my body, a moment of mortal fright, the sensation you get looking over a sheer drop high enough to kill, another in a line of an infinity of reminders that I was brutalized and raped by somebody I once thought I loved. I brush his paw off of my side - I don't want to be handled, I don't want to be controlled - he just growls low and wags his tail in anticipation, no doubt misinterpreting the signal as some form of playful teasing.

I pull in a deep breath. This is exactly what I was scared of when getting involved with one of Eve's partners: making a fool of myself, becoming an embarrassment, showing off exactly how screwed up I am, how twisted up the inside of my mind is, what a fucked up piece of worthless shit I have become. I can't even have fun right.

Forcing myself to stillness I look down at the wolf as he carries on nuzzling along the relief of my sheath. Consciously I remind myself that this is Jay, that I_know_ Jay, that I like him and I trust him. This is okay. I'm okay. I exhale one long steady breath. I feel a little better. I pull my top up over my head and Jay's muzzle immediately moves up my body, bringing himself to a kneel as he nuzzles up my pudgy, fluffy belly, then through the thick fur of my chest, along my neck, up to my cheeks, then across my own muzzle, his arms reaching out and around me, paws running up and down my sides before gripping into my waist, claws teasing at my skin. He presses his nose to mine, a great big smile slapped across his muzzle as he looks right into my eyes.

"Don't let me do a damn thing you're not comfortable with, okay?" He says, and I swear to god I could cry. Instead I smile, wrap my arms around him, tilt my head, part my muzzle, and pull him into a kiss.

Eve's boyfriend tastes good. He moans into my maw as his tongue tangles with mine, his eyes closed, his paws now moving up behind me. Before I know it, he's dragging me backwards onto the bed. I fall right on top of him, putting my paws out on either side to cushion my fall - not wanting to crush the poor wolf - but otherwise still fully engrossed in our conjoining muzzles.

When we do pull apart I giggle giddily, my tail wagging, feeling light and airy in a way that has been so rare for me these past years. Jay's throat rumbles with another growl as he moves his paws to caress, grope and squeeze my belly while I hover above him. "Sexy fucking thing, aren't you?"

I kneel up now, straddling him, his paws not dissuaded at all from their focus by my movement. For a moment he reminds me of Kale, and the thought brings a flutter to my chest. He's a sexy, masculine wolf who's more than a little into me, and who seems to get a kick out of my thickness - there's more than a passing similarity between the two of them. They don't look all that alike other than both being wolves but, maybe if you squint...

"Got a thing for chubby guys, huh?" I ask.

Instead of answering he reaches up and pulls me down to all fours over him, then holds me as he rolls us around entirely until he's the one hovering over me. His eyes are wide, wild, and greedy as he regards me, then he's sidling down the bed and nuzzling against my belly, gently nipping at me occasionally, his paws right back to stroking and groping my chest and stomach.

"Sure I do," he says in a surprisingly noncommittal tone between bouts of burying his face in my fur. "Same as I have a thing for soft girls and lithe enbies. See, what I love most of all is variety. Considering I already have access to those other two, you should be able to figure out what gap they leave." He raises his head, catches my eyes and flashes me a mischievous smirk. "A big," his paws each grasp at my love handles and squeeze, "beautiful," he angles his muzzle down, dipping into my fur before giving a long lick up my chest, all the way to my neck, "boy," he pushes on, his maw now parting around my neck and biting - not with intent to harm, but not exactly gently either - forcing a gasp out of me, and encouraging my tip free from my sheath, "like you."

He brings his head level with mine again, gives me the most arrogant wink, and locks me in another kiss. Hot and bothered is a phrase invented for moments like these because, huff, oh my fucking god. I feel good for once, not scared, and realizing that only makes me feel better. And when we come apart we're panting, paws at each other's pants, fumbling and pulling and shoving giddily until we're both nude. I feel his shaft poking my thigh before I see it, the two of us fall about, twisting and rolling and shifting between bouts of kissing and nuzzling with the sort of breathless excitement I thought had been lost to me by time.

"So, hot stuff, what do you want to do with me?" I ask, suddenly cocksure and loving it.

"Come on, what don't I want to do with you? But, true, where should I start?" He narrows his eyes and there's an obvious ferocity and need to his sharp-toothed grin. Done with verbalizing, his paws run down my back and under my tail to each rest on my buttocks, kneading them and pulling them apart slightly as he stares me down with unwavering intensity, licking his lips in an exaggerated slow-motion.

My reality finds itself on a crash course with my desires and, just as quickly as I wasn't, I'm nervous again. Am I ready for that? I'm all uncertainty and low key dread. I want it, of course I fucking do. I'm here naked, in another man's arms - offering myself up - for a reason. And I know him. And I like him. And I trust him. And there are no strings attached here. This is attraction and lust between friends; there are no ulterior motives, no future plans to worry about, not even much shared past to bog us down. He's not gonna call me up hoping I'll date him again in a couple weeks, leaving me crying on my hallway floor when I turn him down and don't even know why. For fuck's sake, this is as easy as it's ever going to get. If I don't try now, then when?

I push my ass out against his groping paws and ask in a sultry murmur: "did you find something you like?"

"More like something I need." He grinds his leaking, trapped cock against my thigh, still groping my rear. I feel my own length gradually extending from its sheath, leaving a trail of pre-cum through his fur as it goes. "Fuck, Ash, I have to know: do you like getting rimmed?"

I scoff and shake my head. "Do I like getting rimmed? Hello? Do I breathe oxygen? What kind of a question is that?"

"Oh shut up and sit that plush butt of yours on my face already!" He exclaims, sprawling back with his arms spread wide atop the mattress in complete and eager surrender. I run my paws up his toned abdomen. You know, it's been a _very_long time since I've fucked someone so sporty and muscular. It brings a very obvious excitement to a very obvious part of me and, of course, Jay promptly notices the twitching, pre-leaking state of my now full-length cock. "If you're this excited just thinking about it, wait until I actually get my tongue up there."

One of his paws shoots out to grasp and tug at my sheath. I try not to let the yelp those actions draw from me compromise what I have to say: "you're all talk."

"You wanna bet?"

"We'll see how much you have to say when I'm sat on your face."

"Is that supposed to be some kind of thre-?"

Before he can quite finish his sentence, I'm there, his words melting into a moan as his muzzle is buried between my cheeks. Immediately his paws are back on my ass, caressing and groping, then one slips to my tail, stroking along its moderate length as his tongue gets to work teasing sensually at my entrance, drawing a ragged gasp from me as I settle on my new seat.

"Knew that'd shut you up," I say finally. All the response I get is his muffled moans. Music to my ears. His tongue laps aggressively across my hole once, then again, and again, and I can't stop myself from moaning too, then bringing a paw to my dick and stroking as I leak my excitement directly onto his perfectly sculpted chest. "Mmn, oh, um, I guess you should just slap my butt if you need air." He squeezes one of my cheeks to - I can only assume - indicate understanding.

He's fully gotten into it now, lapping at then pressing his tongue into my tight tailhole, his own cock throbbing at a steady tempo and standing tall - considerably so, he wasn't bluffing about being well endowed - translucent threads of his pre oozing from the tip and glistening as they fall. To put it simply: his dick looks so fucking mouth watering that I'm genuinely close to drooling. And, fuck, his tongue feels good. I try not to moan so loud as to let the entire house know exactly what we're doing, but am not confident I actually achieve that goal.

Moaning is joined by grunting, then the exhalation of a sated breath as I grind my ass down on his face, still pawing my length and leaving a trickling mess of my own pre across his fur. I'm not alone in the embrace of pleasure, his paws grip at my cheeks firmly now as he digs right in, tongue pressing as far as it can go into me, then retreating, then going right in again. He growls between bouts of activity, maintaining a surprising level of vocalization considering he's buried beneath me. His tongue works some sort of magic as he laps and licks and explores my tailhole and, fuck, it feels great and, fuck, I wish this would last forever.

Then he spanks me, and it takes a second for me to remember that that means something. I lift my rear with a muttered apology. He spanks me again, presumably this time just for fun.

He pants, catching his breath as he spreads my cheeks with his paws, admiring his work before he speaks. "Your butt is a work of art."

"I know, thanks." I lean forward until my muzzle is at the base of his stiff, pulsing length, my front paws on the bed either side of his hips. I nudge up along his dick with my nose, then give it a single lick. Even more emerges from his sheath as a result. My eyes go wide. Fucking wow. I totally should have taken him at his word, huh? He really is a whole lot of wolf. I mean, Kale wasn't lacking, but Jay is on the next fucking level.

He exhales a moan and bucks his hips, almost inadvertently poking me in the eye his dick. He gives my plush butt a great big squeeze then another slap, harder than before. I yelp louder than I want to, tail wagging, bravado sapped, all flustered and needy.

"I wanna shove my cock in there so bad."

My tail sways, then catches, then stops. I think of him on top of me, ramming his length deep inside. Then I think of him kneeling on my legs, keeping me down, his paws are on my shoulders too, then one is on my head, he's grinding my face into the mattress, but this isn't what I wanted, I didn't ask for this. He grabs my hair and lifts up my head up and-

That's not him, that's not Jay. That's not going to happen. I know him, I trust him; he's a good person. Even if I don't know him intimately, Eve does, and I trust her one-hundred percent.

I cover for both my impulse to hyperventilate and my indecision by licking his cock again, though I'm lost too deep in my own head to really enjoy it. He grunts and mutters something about me being a tease.

He's an attractive wolf who has a thing for me and my fat ass. Okay, it's scary, it's been scary for years but what if I... what if I imagine him as Kale? I know I'd keep my tail raised for that wolf, whatever he wanted from me, and right now I want dick _so_badly. If I have to fool my brain a bit to feel comfortable enough to take it, is that so terrible? All I have to do is imagine that Jay is Kale, that this athletic wolf is that brooding, distant, recently engaged- No. No, no, no. I can't do it. It's not- That wouldn't be good. For _so_many reasons.

But, I want this. I want my butt stuffed. I want Jay to do it. I'm scared, though. I'm scared. I'm shaking, actually. I'm fucking shaking. I'm scared, and I'm shaking, but I'm excited too. Is this it? Can I finally break the curse?

"While you're thinking it over," he says, promptly following his words by burying his muzzle in my ass and lapping greedily at my hole all over again. I can't help but gasp and grind my hard, twitching cock along his chest. This, right here, is wonderful. Do I really need to rock the boat when there's a chance I'll fall off and make an utter fool of myself?

I don't know.

Why can't I ever make a fucking decision? My brain is broken. I straighten my back, kneeling tall over him - rear smooshing his head back down to the bed - and I let out a frustrated grunt, even as he moans and digs his tongue into my asshole, apparently totally oblivious to my less-than-spectacular emotional state. Still, my frustration is mixed with the inescapable physical pleasure of the moment, which is more than a little mentally jarring. I can see his tail wagging from where it pokes out between his legs. He isn't annoyed about my delayed answer at all, in fact he seems to be thoroughly enjoying my inadvertent assertiveness as he's smothered by my rear and forced to worship it.

A surge of excitement pulses through me, and then confusion, and then fear, and then calm and... then I'm okay, and I know what I'm going to do.

"That is a tempting offer Jay but, damn, I'm enjoying having you down there. How about you treat my ass like your new god while I deep throat your cock?" He answers with a buck of his hips, a spurt of pre, enthusiastic if muffled moaning and a tighter grip on my hips as he furiously lathers my under-tail entrance in saliva. "I'll take that as a yes."

Just like that I'm back in the moment, grinding my tailhole against his tongue, using him like some sort of advanced sex toy. I'm moaning and touching my dick until one of his paws finds its way around to it. I let go of myself as he takes over and gives my sheath a firm tug before caressing and playing with my balls, then coming up and stroking my length, my pre soaking into the fur of his paw and chest all the while. I lean forward until my paws are either side of his waist and my muzzle is at his crotch.

"One sec," he says, reaching back to find a couple of pillows. He sticks them under his head, allowing himself to keep his muzzle buried between my cheeks more easily now that I'm leant over him. "Okay." And his tongue's back in there, his paw working my shaft again. I'm moaning and wagging like crazy.

From this up-close perspective his deep red cock is a towering, twitching monolith. His knot is still in his sheath, causing it to bulge significantly, so I wrap a paw around it and give him a little squeeze. Instantly he's moaning into my hole and spurting pre atop my muzzle, which only encourages me on. I give his sheath a tug and his knot pops free with only moderate resistance. Oh, and there it is: the full stature of his imposing length, knot and all, revealed to me. I'm literally licking my lips. I expect my eyes have been replaced by bulging love hearts like some overeager cartoon character. Like, holy fuck, I've never sucked a dick this big - I thought cocks like these only existed in pornos.

I straight up can't wait any longer. Starting from the base of his dick my tongue rises over his knot, then up the full length of his shaft and to his leaking tip. This time I savor the flavor, consciously committing it to long term memory as rapt anticipation coarses through my body. I open my maw around him, taking in only the tip at first, suckling on it, drinking down his generous offerings of pre like milk from a teat before I plunge down.

I thought I'd at least get my lips to his knot, I was wrong. There's still a good inch or so to go when I hit a snag; already my maw is about as full of dick as it ever usually gets. I need to deliberately re-calibrate - staying frozen for a moment with a mouth full of cock - before gradually taking in more and more until my nose is pressed tight against his bulging knot.

The scent of sex and desire fills my nostrils and his length fills my muzzle. I remain there for a while, just moaning around his cock while his tongue and paws work my ass and achingly hard dick. Content and fulfilled, I imagine living in this moment forever. He, however, is not so eager to let things stagnate.

He drags an inch or so of his saliva drenched dick out of my mouth, then reverses course, slamming his knot to my lips and grinding it up against them, wordlessly begging me to take the whole thing. Another intense hit of pleasure jolts across my body as I contemplate the thought. I'd love to take him, knot and all, but I'm genuinely not sure if I can. Well, it's worth a try, right?

I pull almost all the way up off his cock, then descend again, lapping and sucking and moaning as I work myself into a steady rhythm, pushing down harder with each bob of my head, trying to fit that knot into my mouth. It takes a while, but I do make progress - though my jaw argues loudly with me as it's wrenched wider and pushed lower around him repeatedly. The two of us are a mess of sound and motion, turned almost feral by lust and need and - at least in my case - climax's rapid approach.

His hips pump in time with the jerks of my head, increasing the pressure of his knot to my lips as my maw grows ever closer to taking it all in. At the same time his paw pumps my length from where it twitches trapped between my belly and his chest. I must have drenched both of us in pre by now, the soft touch of his paw sliding from knot to tip and back again doing almost as much to stimulate me as his relentless oral assault on my tailhole.

The movements of his hips becomes irregular and uneven, but far more intense, slamming his knot against my lips harshly at random intervals. Carnal desire overcomes my entire body; I am absolutely determined to fit that knot into my maw. It simply has to happen.

I slam my muzzle down, forcing my mouth around his prodigous length - ignoring all doubts and pain and reflexes - until finally it's all in. Feeling as if he's filling my maw almost to bursting, I let out a shuddering full-body moan, my tongue exploring and bathing his knot in an act of unholy worship all the while.

He's moaning too now, long and low with his tongue still poking into me, his hips keep on jerking back and forth, hammering my maw with what little room he has to maneuver while his knot is still inside. A guttural growling grunt emanates from him, then jets of his seed splash across the back of my throat, jetting from his dick like gunfire. It sends me wild. I suck and swallow down his load as my own hips buck madly into his paw. He gets the picture and strokes faster, resuming his fervent oral exploration of my rear after only a momentary pause brought on by the throes of his orgasm. It's only a matter of seconds until I'm spraying both of our chests and bellies with my wasted bitch-cum, stickying the two of us thoroughly and leaving us a mess conjoined not only at both ends, but also in the middle.

I stay there, face skewered on his cock, for a while until I decide that, actually, I _do_need to breathe. I pull away - jaw once again trialed by his emerging knot - gasping and panting, before falling to one side, staring up at my ceiling and expelling a drawn out, exhausted sigh.

"Fuck, that was good," I say, the warmth of afterglow settling over me.

"God damn, you should use my face as a seat more often. That ass, man. That muzzle. Fuck," he sounds dazed, almost - drained of energy, cum and even common sense.

He feels great - it's obvious - and so do I, and it's amazing. It's like the whole world is glittering and everything is right and good, and I wish I could capture this feeling and preserve it for eternity.

And then I catch my breath, and the world reclaims its previous shape. It's my dimmed bedroom ceiling, it's the dull post-orgasmic throb, it's the sticky, matted belly fur that I kind of just want to clean.

It's the tiredness and then it's the fear and then it's... dissatisfaction, disapproval, emptiness. Then worse, self directed disgust.

And I'm remembering that I didn't do what I really wanted to. And I'm feeling dumb again, weak. And I'm remembering this wasn't his first choice either. And I'm embarrassed. And I wish I could disappear. And I wish I never let him into my room, into my tangled web of anxieties and hangups, into my fucked up, ever-present, years-past trauma. And then I wish he wasn't here anymore.

I go silent.

There's a rustling as he rearranges himself until he's the same orientation as me, the two of us on our sides now, face to face, our still-hard, spent cocks tapping and trailing along one another, though mine suitably dwarfed by his. In place of fluttering joy I feel shame. I scrunch my eyes shut and bury my face in his fluffy chest with a distressed whimper.

"Oh." He begins, my idiosyncratic behavior obviously startling him. "Are- Are you okay?"

"I'm an idiot." The phrase emerges fully formed without any consideration or delay, and I immediately feel worse for saying it.

"God, oh, uh, if- if this was a mistake, I'm really sorry. The absolute last thing I ever wanted to do was make you uncomfortable, I- Oh, I'm sorry Ash."

It only makes things worse knowing I've upset him and made him wonder if somehow he'_s_the problem. Isn't it obvious what a huge waste of air I am?

"It's not-" I shake my head against him, formulating sentences proving difficult. What the hell am I doing? "It was great, you were great, I just- I-" I need to stop, catch my breath, clear my head - or at least try to. I can see that I'm not acting normal. I'm embarrassing myself now, if I hadn't already. "I'm frustrated."

Jay seems to calm a little. He strokes a paws down my back, his breathing returning to normal, the obvious tenseness of his shoulders giving way some. "Frustrated that you - I mean, correct me if I'm wrong here, but - frustrated that you didn't feel up for anal?"

It's not like Jay doesn't know what happened to me - he's not some stranger off the street - he's got a pretty accurate idea of why I might be feeling this way, but this is a very vulnerable display of weakness - the kind I almost always avoid - and it's scary, and the idea of my inner world being discussed and dissected by Jay and his lovers feels demeaning, even violating; though logically I know that none of them are going to hate me for this, or think I'm pathetic. Weak, maybe, but I am weak, so who cares?

Regardless, it's not like whether to open up or shut down is even a choice; in truth I am compelled on by sheer animal instinct. "Yes. It makes me want to scream. I should trust you. I'm safe with you, and I wanted it, and I still do and I- I choked." Marty intrudes at the edge of my conscious, making sure I know that I'm not remotely over my time spent with him. The truth is, what happened still controls me. I want to say that, but I regain a modicum of control and stop myself, because saying it leads to talking about it, and talking about it is the last thing I want.

"It's okay," he says. They all say that. Maybe they sneer at me after, or maybe they pity me. Either way I hate it. Makes me feel like a freak. I am a freak. "I had no expectations of even making it to your bedroom in the first place. I want you to know that, for my part, this was more than I could have asked for. And if you feel like you failed somehow, I- I can see how frustrating that must be, and I'm sorry. But what you've been through..." He shakes his head. "You get as long as you want or need to work through all that. Three years is a short time, really. You'll get where you want to be one day, I'm sure of it." I've heard it all before. Sometimes I find such sentiments a comfort, other times they feel more like the twist of the knife. Fuck, I know I'm in a bad frame of mind, I know I shouldn't trust my own thoughts and feelings right now, but knowing doesn't help. I am the problem; on every level that is true. I'm a joke of a person, and blaming Marty for everything that's wrong with me won't get me anywhere, nor is it even true. "And, hey, if you want to try again I'll be here all week, and all next week too."

I need space. Sleep. Something other than this. Why do I take every good thing in my life and twist it up until it's unrecognizable? Saph has slipped through the cracks so far, but I'll ruin our friendship eventually, it is inevitable. I'm a car crash stuck in a time loop. I- I need to slow down.

"You're kind, Jay." I say.

"Not really. I just try to be good to my friends and loved ones, yourself very much included."

I nuzzle into his neck and desperately attempt to force all thought from my brain. It doesn't work, self hatred and disappointment wail in my mind at an almost deafening pitch. I change tactics, locating a positive thought and focusing on it entirely, repeating it, believing it. This was a good thing. This was a good thing. I had fun, and so did he. This was a good thing. This was a _good_thing.

He wraps me in a cuddle without saying anything more, laying his tail over my side. This was a good thing. I take in a deep, slow breath, filling my lungs before exhaling, the weirdness from mere moments ago already subsiding considerably. This was a good thing. I am not the most mentally healthy husky out there, but neither am I the amalgamation of my worst moments and impulses. I am okay. I didn't achieve what I've been aiming at for years tonight, well, alright. I'll keep on trying. Look how strong Saph is, look how strong Eve has been; maybe I can't match up to them, but I can try.

"This, with you, was good," I say, finally. "I'm just... It's a struggle knowing that I'm still not over it." He looks like he's about to respond so I shake my head. "No, look, I don't want to talk about it, or hear your sympathies and encouragement. I appreciate all of that, I do, but just... just let me be upset about this. I need to be, sometimes, I think. I need to just feel it all."

He nods slowly. "I get it. At least, as much as I can without being you. I'm just glad to hear you don't regret this."

I scoff. "Of course I don't." As if it were obvious.

"You're a sweet guy Ash, and I do mean it: if you wanna keep trying with me, I'm here. If you don't, then thanks for indulging this horny wolf tonight," he laughs and taps my rear. "I'm sure I'll be dreaming of your ass on my face for years to come."

I give him a playful jab and he laughs again and so do I. This has been a really good day. I'm not going to let myself ruin it. I'm okay. No, actually, I'm good. This was good.

But... I want to be alone now. I want to stop thinking and sleep before anxiety spikes me through the chest again. It'll happen eventually, it always does.

"I promise I'll keep that in mind," I say, starting a forced - but not entirely artificial - yawn halfway through the sentence, not too subtly implying my desires. "Thanks for being such a sweetheart tonight Jay, and for, you know, knotting my face."

"Any time," he says with a wink and an incorrigible grin. I smile, and yawn again. He stretches, responding with a little yawn of his own. "It's late, huh?" I just nod. He wraps his arms around me again and squeezes me. It feels good. I feel tired, distant, like I'm drifting away from all of this and have been for some time now. "Want me to stay here and spoon you? Or...?"

It's been a good while since I've actually slept with anyone. It would be nice, I think. Sweet, but fake. And... scary too. There is no state more vulnerable than unconscious. No. I sleep with the door locked, alone. I don't want to have to explain that to him right now; I don't want to live in the constant regurgitation of my trauma. I just want to go to sleep.

"I'm so used to sleeping alone," I say slowly. "I think having you around would keep me up, even if it would be fun."

He stares deep into my eyes as if appraising them, or me, his grin not leaving his face but perhaps morphing in nature somewhat. "Alright," he says. He untangles from me, plants a kiss on my cheek and wriggles his way out of bed, standing up and looking down at me, around the room, down at me. "See you in the morning Ash. You're a great guy."

I thank him, tell him he's pretty neat too while he pulls on his lounge pants, wish him a goodnight as he leaves, now standing in the doorway and waving as if he were going farther afield than another room in the same house. It's more than obvious that he was hoping for a little more. It's more than obvious that I was shaken by not being able to provide it. I think, perhaps, it's more than obvious that this was a one time thing.

It was the same with Ben and it was the same with plenty of other men before him. Allowing myself to be sexual and vulnerable with somebody has a way of making me never want to talk to them again. I'm going to have to wake up and face Jay though, there's no escaping that. I know he won't make it awkward, but he'll probably tell Eve and Feather all about what happened. They'll never see me quite the same way again. It's not that I'm so terrible, no. It's just that I'm a coward. I don't do what I really want. I don't take chances. I don't let the good things in, lest they hurt me. I just sort of... exist, day after day, time marching on no matter how badly I wish it would not.

I close my bedroom door and lock it.