Drifter's Diary
in a post nuclear holocaust world where genetically enhanced mammoth dragons roam the surface... okay XD i just -had- to do that. that is actually the basis of this story, but the story itself isn't nearly so ridiculous.
i was cleaning out the garage with my parents last weekend, and i dug up the first short story i'd ever written. now that doesn't mean this is one of the first things i'd ever written, oh no. i started writing when i was nine = ) just didn't ever attempt a short story till i was seventeen. this is also the first story in which i ever attempted revealing a sexual side to my characters. overall, this story was a great, great success. i wrote it at the very height of my writing prowess way back when. see, when i was sixteen, i joined a community just for Yoshies.. that still exists, but it's nothing like what it was back then. (i love talking about that place =3 if you're interested, message me and come be nostalgic with me for a while *giggles attractively*
and anyway, i was writing these series of novel-length stories for this community, and a lot.. and i do mean a -lot-.. of shit was going down in my life at the time, and i was one day very, very inspired with an idea, and i wrote it out here and there over the next few months. parts of it just suck due to inexperience, but overall, it rivals the stories i write now. after i finished writing this, as i predict in the story i would, i fell into a dark age. my mate, whom i was -very- close with and very fond of, left me; and i didn't write (except here and there, little things) for years. it's just now i'm learning again.
anyways, i dug this story up out of the garage... (you'll see later, when you read the story, why it's so appropriate and great that i dug it up and read it after years and years.) it was like i was looking back into a totally different lifetime. so i typed up the story without editing it at all except to make it readable and consistant--which meant changing spacing as well as a word here or a word there. this story was formed out of a great, great idea, so i think i might rewrite it in the future. i'd use the same plot but also add to the beginning, middle, and end--and make it so none of the writing sucks.
there's NO EXPLICIT YIFF in this story, so don't bother looking for anything to paw to. the yiff that is in here is in the form of "she tailfucked her" or "i pawed." there are some SUGGESTIVE interactions (some of which got me breathing hard even after all thie time) and some NEVER SEEN MASTURBATION that we're only told happened after the fact. this story is also very sad. the main character's DEPRESSION comes out strongly, especially in the middle, where there're arguments and DEATH (NOT IN YIFF).
usually i don't tell what my stories are about outside of the stories themselves, but i feel it's justified here as this is an old story that doesn't give itself much explanation and is out of context for everyone but me. i'll try to tell you only enough to let you enjoy the story without being confused but not enough to ruin the mystery in it: by the late 21st century, Humankind has destroyed itself through radiation poisioning. now, giant dragon-like androids, fifty feet high and more, who have adapted to the radiation, roam the earth looking for their next meal. to avoid them, the furs, aka "little creatures," have taken refuge in, and found a new life in, the dark of the humans' old sewer system. (i wrote this -years- before The Matrix came out, so don't even try ^~ the sky is even scorched in this story like in that movie, so... *giggles* maybe they stole the idea from me.)
little creatures go outside only for what little food still grows on the ravaged planet or resort to eating whatever's crawling around in the sewers. miraculously, there is relatively fresh water that flows from the surface to the underground, and there's a community that lives around every little pool of fresh water around the planet. this focuses on one of those communities. a little dragon by the name of Drifter is born on the outside, learns how to survive and avoid the big creatures, and eventually, as a teenager, finds his way underground. he makes friends, gets caught in a deep depression, and falls in love with one of the only remaining Humans.
i'll comment more after the story because i find it very, very interesting, and i have more to say. by the way, take your time. this is -long- for a short story. also, there's only one "book," but it says "book one" cuz i was planning to continue it.
~~~~
BOOK ONE: THE BEGINNING OF MY TIME HERE
PROLOGUE: INTRODUCTION
My name is Drifter--or "that little dragon over there--what's his name again?" as they call me in more formal surroundings. I suppose I am little compared to the rest of them; most of them are so big that you couldn't see their faces if you were standing fifty feet above the ground, and they were standing on the ground. The biggest rule on the outside is that the biggest creatures rule--that's why I had to escape here, to this dungeon buried somewhere below the earth.
I guess it's ok here. I mean, there are no big creatures to bug you; you've got some kind of safety, at least. We're all different, but that's accepted here. No prejudice, no crime, no hate. And buried deep below the earth. In sewers. Well, that's what they used to be, at least. Now, don't get me wrong--we don't live in the sewers--we live in the series of rooms that expand from the network. It's dry here, clean, dark, cold. Sometimes, there's no reason to go on. But we always do, we always survive.
There's a middle-aged woman who runs this place (or somewhere around middle-aged, I guess). Well, I mean, c'mon--she's the only human left--there's no one to compare her to. There's too much radiation up there for her to go outside. She wouldn't last a minute out there. There's why all the humans died, I heard her telling a group once. There was some kind of war not too long ago, a "nuclear" one, I think she said. She was the only one who was able to escape, she and her husband, that is. You see, there's no food down here, so he went out searching for some, I guess, and, well, he never came back. He must have found one of us, though, 'cause we bring her food now. We can survive up there, we can take the radiation.
Every day one of us goes up. Some of us don't come back, though. The big ones take all the food, and rarely leave a scrap for us, and, when they do, they grab that soon enough too. It's not infrequent that one of us is taken by one of them--you know what I mean, taken--? From this world, I mean. Or taken to their torture chambers. They want to know the location of this place. No one knows what goes on in the chambers, but those of us who hae seen them are usually so daunted they can only say they are like big warehouses made out of metal, far bigger than the big ones themselves. And then that's all you can get out of whoever you're asking.
I guess it gets lonely down here for Kara (that's the woman's name, as we've all come to know). We do our best to cheer her up and keep her company, but I guess nothing can replace her husband. sometimes we find her in tears on the floor, but that doesn't last long. She has too much to do, with taking care of us and all. she protects us, in some small way, from the outside. She shelters us. We all had to find our way here, you know. it's not like we got any kind of invitation to come here. We come here through the sewers (or, at least, that's what they used to be). We got here by exploring. We're all small here. You have to be to get into those tiny pipes that lead to this place. I mean, those pipes are small. Humans could fit through them, I guess, in their day. No one except us mutants have tried anytime since.
They used to call us dragons--the humans used to call us that, I mean. I've heard Kara tell legends of them, and dragons sounded like huge creatures from the descriptions. Or, maybe humans just respected them too much. I guess I'm respected too now, to a certain degree, at least, because Kara says I'm pure in form. Well, I may be in form, but certainly not in mind. My mind flutters from thing to thing as I think. I mean, it's not like I hate it or anything, but it does it all the time, like, even when I'm writing, and it gets hard to hold a thought. It's getting hard now. You know, it's hard to find paper down here, too. I hope whoever finds this appreciates it. Anyway, what was I saying? ...It wasn't immediately that I came here. I learned to survive above ground, oh yes, I learned alright. I learned how to be afraid. I guess that's why I came here. No one's afraid here. I watched for some time before joining this little community, watched through the grating at the end of the sewer pipes, high above the ground of the main room. I watched, longing for acceptance. I cried when they cried.
CHAPTER 1: AUDITION -OR- HOW I CAME HERE
It wasn't like I was born here, ya know. I lived above ground for a long time before ever knowing about this place. I'm keeping this thing as a journal now, or some kind of diary, I guess you could say, though it doesn't make much sense out of context, I suppose. I'm kinda tired; it's midnight, and I don't really feel like putting things into context for someone who's never gonna pay any attention to this thing. Ya know, I bet twenty years from now, this will be long gone. I mean long gone. Like, decomposed gone. Oh, well. I'd better put things in context anyway.
I guess I'm like most of the others in that I don't really remember what life was like before I came here. What I do remember, or don't remember, I guess, is that I never had a mother or father. I'm not saying I wasn't born--I just didn't have parents. At all. But, I don't think I was abandoned, either. I have some kind of memory from way long ago of lying in a cage, or, rather, cage was the word I put to it later.
There were all sorts of nasty lights on all around me, and the smell of peroxide always lingered. I couldn't stand that smell; it made me vomit. They thought there was something wrong with me. The people that took care of me, I mean. They were like parents, in some twisted way, I guess. They fed me and bathed me and stuff. Yeah, I suppose that's how I would feel so late at night, when I'm kinda restless, kinda horny. I don't like this feeling...
Anyway, I guess I'd better get to it. That's another thing. I'm getting more and more lazy. And yet I'm not. It's weird. It's like I have more purpose but less will to do things, if that makes any sense. Probably not. And my mind wanders more and more every day, unless I have some task to fulfill. Then, I stick to it. And I always use correct grammar; that's very important.
I learned that whole "direction in life" thing back in the cage, I guess, 'cause I knew it when I got out. I can't remember exactly how I got out, and if that's a surprise, it shouldn't be. But I remember that moment I first saw the world, or what was left of it. Thoughts and sights of bleakness were my first then and they will be my last before I die, I guess. Hopelessness abounds here... There just aren't enough good creatures anymore.
I wandered the world, and that's a pretty big sentence for a little one. The days never seemed to end out there in those days. The sky was always the same color, always a dim, blunt red. A red that used to remind me of mountains. I guess they held some calling for me, or something. Mountains, I mean. I used to dream about them, about flying around them, about meeting other dragons, no matter what size they were. About meeting one as big as me and falling in love. Dreaming was what I did best in those days. ...What I'm trying to say is, I never got there. I never actually did anything. When I came here, that changed. Now, I have a family to take care of.
But, how did I come here? Now that, I remember clearly. I met Sara, a sea otter. I guess she was mutated to be able to withstand the awful pollution in the water, 'cause that water was nasty. I couldn't even see my reflection in it. And, when I touched it, it felt like acid. That's probably what it was, too. Sara told me to look for a sewer pipe close to the one in the lake where she lived. She said it would lead to the same place as hers. I guess she was right.
I met Sara when I was about 15. I remember clearly: I was flying through the smoky, smoggy air when I caught I glimpse of the hazy pool where she lived. I didn't know she lived there then, of course. I just swooped down to see if I could see my reflection in the water. She caught me off guard, I guess. I had landed, and, having been disappointed, I was ready to take off again.
I had my back to her as she virtually leapt out of the water and nipped my tail, and then jumped back in. I whipped around to see what had happened, having been totally surprised and thrown off my guard. By that time, there was nothing in the pool to see, literally. I was about to take off again when she did that same thing to my tail, and that time, it hurt. Swearing, I whirled around, and, this time, she stayed above the "water" so I could see who bit me.
I almost found her attractive. Almost. I did find some things about her attractive, though I won't mention what those were. We've broken up now. She used to bring me food from the inside while I was observing the community. She would come talk to me after everyone else was asleep. There was a little pool in a private room that was cut off from the rest of the rooms, but you had to swim hard uphill to get up there. Boy, was it dark in there at night.
Not that there was much difference from the day, except for the few electric lights in the place. They were, of course, turned off then. Sara would find me at night gazing out into the dark rooms of the place where everyone seemed so happy. I'd say it was darker where we were, though. Sometimes, after I had eaten, I would sit in the pool of pure water myself with her. Sometimes, we would spend a little quiet time together. We never had sex, though. That's one thing I regret.
It was only after we broke up that I joined the community. We broke up because I wouldn't join the community, I guess, 'cause, she really wanted me to. We broke up, I joined the community two days later, we never got back together. Go figure. I guess I have more people to take care of now, and so does she.
CHAPTER 2: REHEARSAL -OR- FITTING IN
I joined the community, like I said. It was fun at first, I suppose. Then, it started to get boring. Fast. There was nothing to do during the day! Except talk to others, if you ever got the chance. And the day never ended either. Even now, at 2 in the morning, it's still daytime, and I'm sick of it. I wish it would just end already...
Sometimes, Kara will read to us. There's a bookcase over in the corner with some books in it, and no, I do not know where it came from. There're only a few books, but she hasn't read often enough for me to have heard them all yet. The only one I heard, like I said before, was about dragons. I was sitting up in my little room before I had joined the community, and I heard it. That's when I discovered I was pure in form. It was the night before I joined the community.
Everyone was so happy I joined that it was sickening. I hated all that attention. Apparently, though, everyone only gives that kind of attention to newcomers. They ignore you otherwise. You have to be strong of mind to make it here. Not like the outside, where you only have to be strong physically. I hated the outside, but I hate this place even more, and yet I can't survive without it.
It's too boring here. Down here, you spend your day walking around and talking to any random creature for hours on end. It's almost sickening. The only exciting part of the day is bath time, and I use that in the loosest sense of the word. I guess it was two days after I joined the community that I really learned anything about the place. Bath time is kinda fun, or at least it used to be.
You see, there's no running water down here. Well, I mean, it's literally running, but there's no pressure or anything. Water from somewhere outside finds its way, somehow, into the pool I was telling you about earlier, and it drips down constantly from there into this little pool on the ground level. You can't literally bathe in that pool 'cause we drink from it too. If you want to wash yourself, you have to take some water in your hands and splash it on yourself. Quite tedious, really.
And it's not like there's any privacy, either. You just go in when you want to and wash yourself, and if there's someone of the opposite sex there, well, you get to watch them wash themselves. Lucky you, I suppose. Or at least that's what I thought on that first day. I asked someone how you wash yourself in this place out of complete curiousity, and they explained the whole thing to me. I was kinda shocked, actually. Then they said something like, "why don't you go in and wash right now? You stink," so I was like, "ok," and went.
There was only one other creature in there, and, as I later found out, her name was Spectra. she's kinda wolf-like in appearance, I guess, except her face is rounder and she has wings. Big, beautiful wings. I was kinda nervous, to say the least. She was drinking from the pool. I asked her if this is where you wash yourself, and she said it was. Not quite sure what to do, I just started washing, and, after a little while, she started doing the same.
Needless to say, I was turned on. She was rubbing herself all over with the water, and I do mean all over. I kept staring at her without meaning to and stumbling over my own feet, though she didn't seem to care. She just kept on washing. And I kept on watching her, and it wasn't long before I had an erection. Now that, was embarrassing. I was sure she saw me, but she still kept on washing, not paying any attention to me. I turned my back, trying to hide myself from her.
None of this made any sense, though. Why wasn't she looking at me? Defiant, but my heart pounding, I turned around and asked her just that.
"Why would I look at you?" she asked in return. Well, I thought it was obvious, at least. I looked down at myself, blushing more than I ever had before. She looked at me, but only shrugged and kept on washing. I finished washand and got out of there as quickly as I could, and tried to find some place that offered at least some kind of privacy.
Looking back on that day now, I guess it was all kinda silly. I mean, what would she care? She wasn't interested in me, I wasn't interested in her, and she must have seen someone's penis before. We're all accepted here, anyway. Our good sides, our bad sides, our moments of glory, and our embarrassments. We're all little creatures. We've all had moments like that before in our lives. Or else, no one really cares.
CHAPTER 3: MEETING THE CAST -OR- WHY I WRITE
There are times now when I'll just sit around and think. Big surprise, right? Well, it was to me. I had never really thought that much before. Thoughts caem to me in dreams I would wake up screaming from. Yeah, I used to scream when such horrible visions flooded my brain. Used to. Don't anymore. I've started to think, and, while I've started over in a new world, before totally unknown to me, with so mcuh to see and do and think on, I've also woken up from my nightmare into an even worse one. "Out of the frying pan and into the fire," as they used to say, I guess.
When I first came to this place, I didn't wake up immediately, oh, no. I used to spend my days walking around, trying to find people to talk to. I guess I met a few souls. None of them mattered, though. They were just there to fill the void left by my dream, I suppose. At least that's what the new visions have told me. I hope the rest of them know what it feels like to think, too. I only hope.
I used to listen to my fears, and, at first, it seemed like the way to go. And, I suppose it's one way, if you think about it, but not my way. I used to hate myself when my fears would call out to me through the night. My eyes would flash open and I would awake from my slumber only momentarily. And then I would fall back to sleep, dreaming for the rest of the night on that little pink dragon, my friend. I thought I saw her flying over the mountains one night, but, when I woke up, she was gone, and my eyes fluttered in confusion.
Now, I love it when I can listen to my fears. I pretty much only hear my thoughts now, never my dreams anymore, I've gotten too used to this life. Here, thinking is the only thing that's required. But, I sometimes linger when I go outside for food. there, the air is fresher, and I can sleep under the stars. My dreams come back to me then, and I wake up screaming. The others wonder where I've gone.
I met a cat one day in the sewer pipes just outside the community walls. She looked like a cat should look, I suppose, but she had a tiger's eyes and a panther's tail. Her white fur would often flash red suddenly, and here eyes would twitch at the light. She wanted to be left in the sewers and not be brought back to my home, so I let her stay there. I enjoyed talking with her, though, and I knew she must have been so lonely to wander alone.
She died. One day, I came to find her in the maze, and I found her body lying on the ground in the polluted water, curled up. It was a long pipe that she was in, and she must have wandered it for a long time before she realized it was a dead end. It felt like a dream to find her body lying there, and I felt like screaming out loud.
I carried her back to the community, her body limp and cold in my hands. At times during the long walk back through the maze of pipes, I would close my eyes and hold her closely against me and, though the tears still flowed from my closed eyes, I would slightly smile, almost. What I felt like then was a feeling that I would never again forget, and one that I would never keep far from my heart or from my dearest memories.
At times, I found it hard to keep walking. I felt I just could not go on through those damp pipes. I knew then what she must have felt. I knew what she was feeling when her eyes used to flash, but when I looked up, more tears just flowed out of my eyes. I realized then that I could not go on. I realized that I, like everyone else, was born to die, and that there was nothing I could do about it.
I remember that feeling exactly. And now, every night, I feel the same thing, and have learned to go on, learned to live with the knowledge that I can't possibly live, and, somehow, it all makes sense to me. I have spent endless nights considered what comes after life, countless nights lying awake staring at the opaque ceiling of my new home thinking, just thinking.
Yet, these have been some of the least lonely and most joy-filled nights of my entire life. I feel like that pink dragon, my love, is here with me, and that she always has been. Something... something makes me more sure of myself when I think of the day I found my friend the cat dead. I never knew her name... Something makes me sure that she was the dragon that I had been searching for.
Now, my days are filled with writing. This is probably the third month I've been working on the story of my time here. Allowing, of course, for the nights when I didn't write anything and just stared at the ceiling, looking for inspiration. I allowed myself many of those days in a row while writing this chapter. There's a place in the middle of the chapter where I just stopped writing for a while and wished I had a window to look out of. That was a feeling that lasted for little less than a month...
I'm starting to make more friends here, and that sometimes distracts me from my writing. I often talk with them late into the night, learning things I would never had learnt without them. I have one very special friend who helped teach me what I learned while writing this chapter. I guess you could say she's somewhat metallic in appearance, I guess. She can't really be described, is what I'm trying to say.
She walks on all fours, and is not too huge in stature. She's covered with the greenest, most reflective substance I have ever seen. You can't even look at her without hurting your eyes and having to look away at the ceiling for a few moments. I think I've only hugged her for real once... maybe twice. I don't keep track anymore, either because I've gotten lazy or just because I don't care anymore. I'd like to think it's the latter, but I think I do care. It's just hard to show how much anymore.
She helped me realize how life works, I guess, that life does end. I first met her in the sewers as I was bringing my friend the cat back. She looked then like she wanted to talk to me, but she didn't say anything. I walked up and talked to her then, not even because I needed someone to talk to, but because she looked lonely. And, I didn't want her to end up in the sewers walking all alone. I wanted to be there to walk with her. she talked back politely at me, but we couldn't get through to each other at first.
And, that's when she taught me, I guess. It was all I blur, to say the least. I remember there was an argument about something silly, and I ran from her, scared. and... she stayed and looked after me... longingly. Those next few weeks, all I could think about was ending the argument and becoming her friend again. I don't think I ever considered how she felt, really. Maybe sometimes I would apologize to her and really mean it then, but, by the end of the day, we always found ourselves arguing again. And, I felt responsible... I was, I guess.
I have the impression, even now, that I started it, though neither of us really remembers who did, I think. For sure, I don't. But, the only time I really hugged her was after I realized how much she had taught me, weeks after we had stopped fighting. And, I tried to teach her back... I still do try, though I don't know if I do teach her or not. Maybe, she just smiles and nods when I talk as much as I do with her, but I hope it's not that way. I hope she's really listening to me. And, I think she's shown me that she is by her actions. I never know if that's just wishful thinking...
She helped me bury my friend that day...
CHAPTER 4: THIS CHAPTER HAS NO TITLE
I don't know what to make of yesterday... Not yet, at least... I'm still a little shocked, I guess, though apparently not too shocked to do what I had to do then. I don't want to spend much time on what happened. It's still a little disturbing to me, even after all of my dreams.
I guess I should start by saying again, that it's too boring down here. There's nothing to do, and that drives us all a little crazy. Some of us... There's a room down here, a room I didn't know about until today, where Kara puts those of us who... She has to kill us. She has to; there's no other way. That is, she has to when we go crazy. Then, we're a threat to ourselves, and the rest of us, and her. They say around here that he who sees that room will end up there himself one day... Everyone knows about it, but no one wants to see it for themselves. But I wanted to see it, and I asked Kara to take me there.
Now, understand, it wasn't just an out of the blue question... she was shaken up over... Well, that's what I'm going to tell you, I guess, I hope, if I can bring myself to. You remember how I told you Sara and I broke up, and that I never found out why? Well, yesterday, I found out why. But that wasn't before I saw Spectra again.
But... the circumstances under which I saw her weren't exactly the ones I had hoped to see her under. Neither of them knew I was there. I was sitting in the corner of the room in the dark trying to get inspired to write when she and Sara walked along, her cuddling up to Sara. I didn't say anything to them, as they didn't see me, but... I had never seen lesbian lovers before. Sure, I had heard of them. I mean, you can't have been alive this long and not have heard of them.
And, I had. But, I had never seen them. And, so, to say the least, I was really shocked and stole out of the room as best as I could without being seen. I dunno if they saw me or not. All I know is that I was interested. I'm kinda weird that way. But I was interested, and so I ran to somewhere where I knew I could watch them: the room where Sara and I always used to... the room that you had to swim or fly up into. I found out later there's another way to get in there, and that's how...
I looked out of the window in that room, the window that looked over the whole room they were in. I guess it was just luck that they were in that room, but... maybe... I dunno... anyway, I watched them sorta hug and kiss for a while. And needless to say... And, that's when I heard footsteps. Kara had always told me to stay away from there, and they sounded like her footsteps, and I didn't wanna get caught. So, I ducked into the shadows.
The next room was next to the one I was in, and on the same level because the ceiling of the whole place was right above us. It was Kara. She walked into the room, which also had a window looking out into the same room I was looking into, and closed the door, though only partially, between our two rooms. Luckily, though, she didn't see me.
That's when I looked back out through the window and stayed glued to it for a while... Spectra and Sara were down there. And... this is where it becomes hard to talk about. Sara was clumsily on to top of Spectra, licking her all over: her face, her neck, her arms, her breasts, her legs, between her legs... And I knew Kara was watching all of this too, in the next room. And... I could hear her breathing all of a sudden, breathing heavily, her breath getting quicker, and I... didn't know what to do... I just stayed where I was, listening to her in the next room.
I couldn't stand to look at Sara and Spectra anymore, so I spun around with my back to the wall and slid down it, so embarrassed... shocked... I didn't know what to do, like I said before, but that was the first time I had ever not known what to do that much... or... you know what I mean... The next few minutes seemed to fly by, my heavy breathing the only thing I could hear. But I looked back out the window just in time to see Spectra dip her tail partway in the pool of water they were next to and start fucking Sara with it. I have to admit, I closed my eyes, my heart pounding, my erection throbbing away.
That's when I heard Kara gulp in the next room, her breathing beginning to stagger. I crept over to the door so I could see through the opening Kara had left in it. Kara was breathing so hard and sweating so much I could hardly stand the sight of her then... She was gripping the bars on the window so tightly it looked like she could have ripped them out anytime she wanted to. And... slowly, she slid her left hand down over the length of her body, down to her inner thigh, and... she saw me. I don't know what it was that made her look around just then. Maybe she heard me, maybe it was just paranoia, but she saw me. She didn't even blush. She just ran down the narrow corridor that came off of that room as I rushed into the room trying to stop her. One of her tears fell into my hand...
I looked down. I didn't follow her... But, I heard a cry from below, and I looked out the window Kara had been looking out of and watched Sara and Spectra. Now, Sara had her head between Spectra's legs. I left cum sliding down the wall and a grip-mark of my sweat on a bar of the window.
CHAPTER 5: PLAYING THE PART -OR- TRYING YOUR BEST
I ran after her. That old hall was covered with dust from some day long past now, and there were boards with nails sticking out of them or metal beams lying in the way. It made it hard to run on sometimes, but I was sure that Kara couldn't run that fast, either. Something about that comforted me as I ran. Near the end of the hallway, I heard crying coming from ahead. It was such a mournful sound that echoed through the hallways that I almost had to cover my ears. And, like I had been telling myself all along, there Kara was at the end of the hallways in the only room there was left to go into.
She was sitting against the back wall clumsily, half naked, sobbing her heart out. The overworlders would have just left her there... there are even some of us who would still do the same out of fear or the like, hoping she hadn't seen them, but I knew she had, and besides that, even Kara had said I had always had a kind heart, and this was one chance to show it, I thought. I slowly approached her. She looked like an animal, a small, timid animal in the first heat she's had in her life, not wanting anything to do with anyone anymore and ready to attack any who came near her. Afraid. So I kept my distance at first.
"Kara..." I sighed, half out of content, to my surprise, but also out of grief at seeing her sitting there, for the most part; grief and utter humiliation.
She apparently hadn't seen me in the room.
"Drifter..." she said, looking up, her mind wanting to cover herself from me, her body not wanting to respond.
"Kara..." I said again, not knowing what to do next.
"You... saw me back there, didn't you, Drifter...?"
I nodded. "I did, Kara, but..."
"But what...?"
"...I don't disrespect you for it..."
"I watched you, too..." she said after a really long time, looking aside in shame.
"I don't mind," I said instinctively, when really I meant only to look down and blush.
She looked back quickly at me. "...Drifter... You were the one I really wanted to watch... not them..."
"But... Kara..."
"I did... don't argue with me... I did..."
"I... I'm not arguing," I said, shaking my head, even though I knew I was. Somehow, I had expected her to say that, and I didn't know how to take it. "I wanted to watch you, too... Back there... when you were about to..." I looked down. "I suddenly wished you would go all the way..."
"..." She looked away again.
"And not only because I wanted to watch you, Kara," I said, without thinking again. I went to sit beside her on the side opposite the one she was turning her face to.
She drew a deep breath and turned to face me hesitantly.
"Why, then...?"
"...I... wanted to see you finish something, Kara... I never wanted you to seem me, and if you hadn't... I don't think I would have watched you, either..."
"But... you were standing there, watching..."
"I was hoping... and... I didn't want to take my eyes off of you, either, Kara, but... if... I don't know what I would have done."
"You would have watched me, you know you would have!"
I looked down. "Neither of us knows that."
"You would have, Drifter... don't blame yourself..." To my surprise, then, she lay her hand down in mine where it was sitting between us.
"But... Kara... you..."
"I was looking at them," she said, "but I was thinking of you when... Look, Drifter, ever since you came here, I knew... I knew that somewhere in you was a piece of my husband. Maybe you even..."
"I was born in a lab, Kara," I said quickly, knowing what she was going to say.
"Who knows how... I mean, maybe they changed you, erased your memory..."
"Kara, no, no one can know that..."
"I do. I know..." She started sobbing again. "I know that you are he, that somewhere inside you... that, even though maybe you aren't he... I told you that you were pure in form when you came here... remember, Drifter?"
"I remember..."
"...I sensed it even then... that... that I love you."
I closed my eyes for a second.
"Then... even here..." I looked down to where I was holding her hand now. "You don't need to prove it to me, Kara, I know, and I hold the same feeling for you... but passion is not the only way to express it."
"Drifter..."
I looked up, a tear running from my eye. "Kara..."
She gently pushed me onto my back, my wings folding under me, and she gently slid her hands up onto both of my shoulders as we kissed. Nothing can describe what I felt then. I've gone over and over in my mind trying to decide myself, and I've come up with nothing. Maybe I'll only find out by writing about it, just like all of my other feelings...
She told me in that kiss the she had waited long for my return, though return from where I'll never know... She told me that she had missed me and that she never wanted me to leave her again. She told me that she loved me and how much she cared for me, and she told me that, if I shared the same passion for her, I would return the kiss the same way. And I did... I wrapped my wings around her as we slept...
CHAPTER 6: DRESS REHEARSAL -OR- WAKING UP FROM THE DREAM
I sigh every time I look out that window, remember that day, even though the only two scenes that will flash in my mind are those of Kara reaching her hand down and during and after that kiss until we both fell asleep. The day after, I remember waking up with Kara beside me and that I wrote that night, but nothing else from that day. It's been about a month since then, and I haven't been able to write anything until now. Maybe that's because love blinds us from our real purpose in life, I dunno.
Maybe it's just because I've been lazy. Ask anyone, and they'll tell you that I'm the laziest son of a bitch in the community, and, hey, I make sure to keep my reputation afloat. I'm finally getting used to batching here now, finally. I still like to look to see what I can see though... See? There I go again. This is the problem I've been having for the past month: I haven't been able to focus. And here I go again. Well, it's the price we writers have to pay to stay alive in this world, I suppose. Laziness and inability to concentrate.
But love does blind us, that's for sure. Love and sex--the kind that isn't related to love, I mean. Well, sex if you could call it that. I say that thinking of Sara and Spectra, whose little group has been enlarged by one member, a green half-dragon girl. Seeing as I'm friends with Sara and Spectra, I soon learned that her name was Rose (an apt name if I do say so myself), and, by careful observation, that she enjoyed doin everything with them, and I do mean everything. That's what I guess I can say sex blinds you; ever since Rose became friends with Spectra and Sara, she's been a lot less observant in matters concerning the two of them.
Kara and I... we... haven't had sex yet, to put it bluntly. We've watched Spectra, Sara, and Rose nearly every night from those rooms up above the place, but we stayed in seperate rooms and did our thing. I'm not kidding. Nearly every night. And yet she seemingly never gets the idea in her head that we should do it together. It makes me a little angry, to tell you the truth...
Here my mind goes, wandering again... "Why is sex such a big deal?" I ask myself, or "Why do I care so much about it?" Well, the answer, for the most part, is that there's nothing else to do here. I'm serious. The only entertainment we ever get is when we all get together for Kara to tell us stories, but that rarely happens anymore... Maybe because she's spending all of her time with me instead of making up the dang things...
I'm getting too angry... I have to calm down... But... looking at her nowadays just makes me so frustrated. I dunno what to do anymore. I always thought I knew what to do and that I always would, but here I find myself not knowing what to do and without anything else to do but jack off. And Kara feels the same way, I suppose, so why can't we both come to terms with it? See? Frustrating. I guess I haven't written in the past month for thinking about that.
Every time I try to talk to Kara about it, she avoids it or runs off, pretending she has something else to do. And I stand there dumbly without anything left to do but to wash up and see what I can see. Or write. Writing passes the time... I guess. A page takes about fifteen minutes for me now, as long as I know what I'm going to say, longer if I don't. I've started to write less and less when I've been inspired and more and more when I haven't been, just to take up more time writing each page.
And you'll be able to see that IF ANYONE EVER READS THIS! I'm starting to doubt that that will happen. Probably, sometime in the far, far future, someone will dig it up and the paper will crumble through their fingers. That's what I'm thinking is gonna happen. It's always either rightly nature or wrongly stupid intelligent beings who destroy genius. Mostly us. I've destroyed most of my own by growing up. And I'm not trying to flatter myself here. All children are born with wisdowm none can comprehend, especially baby dragons. And, as was shed our first skins and learn to fly, we lose some of that wisdom. And life is the process of gaining as much as we can back before we die.
I don't care about my life anymore. Once one has a style, he cannot lose more wisdom in death than he has already gained back, and so I know I can die whenever nature wants me to. But the one way I do want to gain wisdom back is by connecting with others. That's why I wanna have sex so much. It's a means of accepting others, their similarities and differences, how you can change them, how you can learn from them, how you can direct them and their lives to a bright and hopeful future. Just like I want to guide that little pink dragon who keeps circling the same mountain.
She started at the bottom long ago, I know, spiraling up around it, and will reach the top eventually, but I know she could get there a lot faster with the addition of my wingpower. i would take her hand, and we would reach the top together. I would hold her around her waist and carry her when she got tired. And we would reach the top. By connecting. Through my caressing and protecting her. And the wind would never blow us off track, I know that much. It would never blow us too far from the mountain as long as we kept flying our hardest, beating our wings as fast as we could, trying our best. We're both afraid of losing sight of the mountain. And when we get to the top, we'll be able to watch the sunrise in peace for the first time in our lives...
Oh Kara... Turn into that little pink dragon so we can fly away together...
CHAPTER 7: PERFORMANCE -OR- OUR DIFFERENCES
The is the final chapter in this book. The book of my time here. I have found my dragon friend, and that's all that matters to me anymore. Love blinds us, and I love being blinded. I'll have to stop writing for a while even though I don't want to because I'm blinded. I won't want to write ever again when I wake up tomorrow, though I know I'll continue someday, for writing is my purpose, and that's been driven into my mind far harder and deeper than memories of Kara have. Though, for now, she is in the front of my mind, and I know she'll have to stay there for a little while. I'll think tomorrow that she is my purpose in life, even though I'll know also that I'm wrong. But she'll keep her place in the front of my mind until we have sex and she's allowed to retreat into the recesses of my imagination.
The reason I'm here at the stage I'm at is simply this: today, Kara and I had a talk, not a very long one, but a talk nonetheless. She and I went upstairs to that room, the place where we always have our talks, especially for it. I mean, it's not like we were both up there anyway in the middle of the day for no reason. She came up to me and said she had something to say to me, and so I followed her up to our room. And, when we got there, she sat down, and I sat down next to her, and the conversation began. Like I said, it wasn't a very long one.
"Drifter... I know what you've been thinking," she told me, "about us, I mean... 'cause I've been thinking the same thing..."
"About having sex?
"Yes..."
"...You don't wan't to, do you?"
"No! That's not it at all!"
"Then..."
"But not yet," she said.
I had known for weeks that was what she was going to tell me. I sighed. "You know what I'm going to ask, Kara."
"...And it's a hard question for me, Drifter..."
"I know I'm not worthy of you," I said. "If that's it, I..."
She shook her head. "We humans don't judge people that way."
"Then... why?"
"It's that... well, that I'm not worthy of you, I guess, if you want to look at it that way."
"What?"
"Drifter, you're pure, and I don't wanna destroy that..."
"But that's not the real reason," I said.
"I know..."
"I'm not even very pure anymore; we both watch Spectra and them every day."
"But still," she said.
"But still?
"You're still pure in mind... You follow your beliefs, your feelings, you do what you want to do."
"Then why can't I fuck you right now? I want to."
She shook her said and said nothing.
"Why, Kara??" I yelled at her, almost whining in pain.
Again, she didn't answer, but just looked away. But, this time, she felt around with her hand until she found mine, and wrapped hers in it. It wasn't until she turned back around that I saw the tears running down her face.
"I can't bring myself to do it," she said.
"Kara, I--"
She cut me off. "Something about it..."
"But... you used to do it with your husband, right?"
"Sure, but... something's different here..."
"Because I'm a dragon?" I said, not thinking as I had done so many times in the course of my talks with her. I said that because it was the first difference between me and her husband that came into my mind. I didn't expect her to tell me I was right. All she did was nodded, and, after a few seconds, she turned back around and started to sob again.
"Something about it..." she said hesitantly after a long time.
"What, I disgust you?" I said.
"...Not normally, but... Drifter..." It was my cock. She couldn't stand the way my sticky cock would feel sliding into her. She would have to hide her eyes because it was red and flat not pink and round like a human's. "Please don't be mad..." she begged me.
"I'm not..." I was. "But this isn't what I was expecting..."
"I don't want to feel this way, but something tells me I'm not ready for you yet..."
"So the disgust is just a by-product of your immaturity, is that what you're trying to say??" I didn't mean to sound that harsh, but, because I was, she flew into tears again and buried her face in my chest. I found myself unable to apologize.
"Why are you crying on me, Kara," I asked, "when I am the source of your pain?"
"You're the only one here, silly..." she said, pounding a fist into my chest, half smiling, half sobbing.
"Kara... why aren't you ready for me? How can... I'm ready for you..."
"Humans, I guess, have always had a thing about dividing based on difference."
"But... Kara... we've already divided ourselves from the outside world because of our differences, you should know that best of all... We're all little creatures here... Our differences shouldn't matter anymore."
Suddenly, Kara sobbing harder. "He's not coming back, Drifter, he's not coming back," she kept whispering, in complete pain.
"No, Kara, he's not... But, pure or not, different or similar, I can still take his place."
She pushed me away and slapped me. I looked away until she had gone.
Through the barred window, I could see Spectra, Sara, and Rose sitting in the corner, smiles on their faces. I paused a second, breathed, and went down to talk to them.
-END-
~~~~
okay. the main characters in this story are all real people with their names changed. i won't tell you their names out of respect for them, but.. i'm Drifter, clearly. yes, i was that immature and that homophobic. and i was as over the top and scared of sex as he is. and i certainly had his temper, hoo boy. but there are some significant differences between him and who i was. it's suggested at the end that he's all about rank and the strong overwhelming the weak, and i was never like that. and i was never, ever as callous as he is. his personality was clearly a part of me then, but i wrote him only out of one part of my mind.
this story is the story of my first year in the Yoshi community. Kara is my first mate, who, for all intensive purposes, never had sex with me over the three years we were together. she doesn't talk with me anymore, and it's the furry/Human boundry described here in the end that's a big part of what keeps her from me now. one also questions if Kara is lesbian, and my first mate found out while she was with me that she was lesbian. i'm MtF trans, my first mate thought i was male because i thought i was male when i was with her, go figure.
Sara is me, too. yeah, i know it's weird to have a love relationship with yourself, but i didn't think she was anyone when i was writing this; i thought she was just a character. but my eyes went wide when i was typing this up and i saw her name... Sara's the name i've taken IRL. now i know she was the expression of my right nature. she's the only character who retains purity to the end of this story, and i see that now that was for good reason.
Spectra is a the first girl i cheated on my first mate with. we fucked each other's brains out. of course, all of this was online, so... blah. i'm -still- a virgin IRL, and i'm 22. my body is very attractive, thank you = ) just bad luck. oh well. i and this girl, we had many, many arguments and the hottest love-hate relationship evar. we'd argue, not talk to each other for a week, then make up and fuck like Bunnies for the next month. because of my stupidity, she doesn't talk to me anymore, either, but that's a different story. lord, i've had a pretty hard life when it comes to relationships. though i've had a very good life financially and practically, so i guess it evens out = )
Rose is the first girl my first mate cheated on me with. Spectra was a higher-up in the Yoshi community. and the Cat who dies was a girl from the community whom i really, really liked and whom i got to talk to like five times before she disappeared off the face of the planet.
that's all the history i'll give you, but there's lots more to say = ) come talk with me if you wanna know more ^^ i'm open, i love to talk, yiff, and everything inbetween.
anyway.. one thing i find very interesting about this story is that it's -new-. by which i mean that, up to that point, i'd written three plots about three sets of characters... four if you include what i was writing when i was really young. all i wrote were series or very, very long stories. this was just a burst of inspiration that came to me one afternoon as i was sitting in the computer lab of my high school after the day was out waiting for my ride. it hit me all of a sudden, bam, the whole thing. and in that moment, i leapt out of my body and became a GOD. lord, that's what it felt like. i suddenly knew how to express everything that was going on with me. now i know that's because i'm bipolar and that was the first time i was hypomanic.
but i had no idea then. it was like a religious vision. i saw a anthro dragon, blue scaled, in a dark room, and i saw a pink scaled anthro, his destined mate, circling a mountain. it was the ultimate expression of my depression and my desire. now this was not me becoming furry. i was already in a Yoshi community, already had the name Twilight, and had known i was a fur since i wore a bat costume for halloween when i was nine. -but- it was a whole bunch of epiphanies hitting me all at the same time. i realized, in great detail, my beliefs about the inherent divide between Humans and furs, something that i would only really experience years later in college. i realized, i see now, how to express my depression and sex dysphoria. and, by god, i realized what i wanted out of life: to support someone and fly them up and up to the top of a mountain just to watch the sunrise. soon after i wrote this, i purchased, at a high price, an original of an anthro griffin standing proudly with his staff on a jutting rock face, presiding over the sunrise.
this was the story of how my life was going to hell and how i was trying to remain pure through it. going through the sandstorm, as the Japanese put it. i wrote about what the furry community meant to me: "We're all different, but that's accepted here. No prejudice, no crime, no hate." i wrote exactly what i thought of mainstream society: "I learned to survive above ground, oh yes, I learned alright. I learned how to be afraid. I guess that's why I came here. No one's afraid here." i wrote about how i'd lost faith in those around me: "Thoughts and sights of bleakness were my first then and they will be my last before I die, I guess. Hopelessness abounds here... There just aren't enough good creatures anymore."
i wrote about how i felt like i was always acting for everyone, how no one could see my true self, by making each chapter title events leading up to the performance of a play. i made a very accurate literary reference: "I just swooped down to see if I could see my reflection in the water. She caught me off guard, I guess." Sara is Echo = ) and when Drifter joins the community by jumping into the water, essentially, he becomes extremely introverted and arrogant, which ends up making him forfeit his one chance at happiness in the end. and i started discovering what i was turned on by: romantic sex, tailsex, heat.
this story has a lot of meaning for me, and i love it. if you comment, don't talk about things that could be improved in it, please (even though i usually appreciate that), because i wrote this a very long time ago. i am allowing ratings on this just to see how good people think i used to be =3 don't hesitate to rate it low if you don't like how it's written. i posted it because i thought Drifter deserved to have his diary read after so many years when a Yoshi from the far, far future dug it up and the paper did not crumble in hir hands. = ) cheers, everyone.