My Sweet Deadra - Chapter 4
My Sweet Deadra - Part Four
Love gained, but Love Lost
"I'll be waiting in Skingrad at Rosethorn Hall"
That was the letter had said when Aleron had finally made it back into the Arcane University and found the scroll sitting on top of his things in his trunk. It was placed in such a way that he would not have been able to miss it. And as such, it was the first thing that he picked up and looked at.
And now he was running it through his mind as he walked along the bridge above Lake Rumare with Kerai by his side. Aleron could not help but think of everything that had happened when he came back, all the way to the point when they had left.
But that was all he did. He just thought. He thought about what had happened. But he didn't talk about it. He didn't want to. He just wanted to see what was in Skingrad and so he and Kerai had left the Imperial City as soon as they had been able too. The argonian had been disappointed, since he had never seen the Imperial city before, but said nothing about their abrupt leave.
Kerai though did not know what he was to say or do. When they had arrived at the Arcane University, Aleron had gone to see his supervisor, someone called Raminous Polus. Well, Aleron called him a 'stuffed up Redguard with a stick up his backside' before he had walked in the front door, and Kerai waited outside.
It didn't seem to take long when Aleron came back, his carry bag looking fuller as he told Kerai where they were heading and started walking without further talk.
So, they had crossed over through Green Emporer Way and past the Royal Palace, and then through the Imperial District before crossing over the bridge. But Aleron had remained silent and did not look like he wanted to talk.
But what had happened? What made Aleron look like he wanted to scream and hit something and run away and cry at the same time? Kerai wanted to know, but he was scared he would upset him. Aleron was all he had at the moment, and he was scared of being left behind.
So they continued to walk. It was rather uneventful, although the highlight had to have been seeing the corpse of a dead highway robber whose head was smashed beyond recognition.
They were halfway to Skingrad when Aleron decided to stop. It was growing dark and it looked like it was going to rain, so they stopped off at a nearby camp that was currently vacated. All it contained was a couple of tents and a fire pit, but it was better then sleeping under a tree, which Kerai knew all about.
It was some time after Aleron had gotten a fire going when Kerai asked the Kahjiit what was wrong.
"I was thrown out of the guild" Aleron said as he stared into the fire. Kerai gasped a little as he heard the news. Truth be told, he knew little about the Kahjiit, but what he did know was that the Mages Guild was the only thing that Aleron wanted to do with his life. While the Kahjiit had been in Bruma, Aleron had told Kerai about life in the guild. He seemed so happy about his life there, even if some parts he told were accompanied by a few growls of annoyance and anger.
But now there was the question. Why was he thrown out? Kerai crossed his legs a little and looked over at Aleron, who did not take his eyes from the fire.
"Why?" Kerai asked as he looked at the Kahjit from across the flickering flames. For a moment, Alerons face was unreadable, but then he saw the tears run down the felines cheeks.
"That jerk...he said that I took too long to get the Chokeberries...and that I didn't get enough...." He said, his voice quavering slightly. "And...he said that he knew about the fact I ...I kept trying to use the Enchanting Altar to do what he called...forbidden summons....and that I'm a tailraiser..." Aleron said as he started to cry. The hot tears felt like acid as they ran through the fine fur on his face, but the heaviness he felt in his heart was far more painfull
.
"He threw me out of the guild and now I'm homeless and alone and...and...." He couldn't even finish his sentence as he buried his head in his hands and started to cry hard. His shoulders shuddered and his ears fell as the tears flowed from behind his eyes and through his fingers.
Keria, for a moment, felt helpless. He had been homeless for much of his life, and he knew what it felt to be alone. But to see someone who had lost everything for little reason, was more then what he had ever felt.
The argonian slowly got up and sat beside the weeping Kahjiit. Kerai wrapped his arms around Alerons shuddering body and held him against his, letting the feline head rest against his bare shoulder as he nuzzled the soft headfur.
"It's ok Aleron" he said softly, as he rocked back and forth a little. "It's ok. It'll be ok. I'm here" he said softly as he ran a hand gently down the back of the Kahjiits neck and through his thick hair. It felt unusual to be the one who was doing the comforting, considering that he had never been held for a good number of years.
Aleron just clutched at the Argonians tattered vest and wept like a lost little kitten. He felt helpless, and even though Kerai was beside him and holding him in a warm and tender embrace, there was a hole inside of him. It was a deep and empty feeling that made his heart ache with a deep sadness that welled within him. He felt the warm embrace, but he felt completely alone and cold at the same time.
Why was this happening to him? What had he done except seek a way to end his loneliness as he existed on this mortal plane? Alone, no gold, no home, no family, nothing. He was no better off then the beggars that wandered the streets of Cyrodiil, seeking a pittance from those that had everything. And it hurt to know that no-one would care about him again.
Aleron continued to cry as he was held in the warm embrace by the argonian, and it was what seemed like an eternity that he finally fell asleep in the warm scaled arms. He fell silent and drifted off into a restless sleep that granted him no comfort or escape, but he took it anyway. The tears stopped flowing and the streaks glistened in the firelight until they were absorbed into his fur.
Kerai stayed awake for a while longer as he held his master and friend. He himself could not help but remember when he became homeless, and how alone he had felt. He could still remember how it had happened. He did not want to, because it pained him. He never brought the memories out from the recess in his mind where they were stored, but now they came up, and he remembered what happened.
His father had owned a home, that when translated from the Argonian Language, was called 'Deepscorn Hollow'. He never knew why it had been called that, but he never had cared when he had grown up there. His father, who had been called Kanden, had brought him there from the Argonian homeland when he was but a hatchling. His had never met his mother, or even knew her name. But his father was all he needed within his life.
He never knew what his father did. He would often dress in something he called a 'Rainment' and meet with pale faced males and females at night, but he never questioned it because his father always had a smile for his son, and a hug every night before he went to bed. They were not rich, it was true. But the rambling old house had many rooms filled with generations of items that occupied his time for many a day.
And the strangers sometimes stayed over, and he would sit beside the fireplace as they talked in the dining room, and listen to their stories. They knew so many stories about battles with vampires and assasins, and they were so well told that Kerai often believed they had been there. But they were just stories.
But one night had been different. He had woken up to cries inside the house and his father had burst into his room, claiming something about a Brotherhood that had infiltrated their home. Kerais father had grabbed his son and ran out of the back of the house. Kerai had seen lights in the distance and the sounds of fighting rang in his ears as his father ran with him. He had been too scared to cry out and had clutched at his father, afraid to let go.
Then the memories became fogged. After many years, they were grainy and pieces were missing, and he couldn't remember what happened. It was like reading a book that wasn't too descriptive, but enough to capture his attention and make him use his imagination to fill in the rest. That's what he thought anway.
He did remember though that his father had put him in a hollow tree, told him to not leave it no matter what, and then ran off into the darkness back to their home. Kerai had shivered and wept silent tears, too scared to move and too scared to close his eyes. The sounds of fighting had been all around him, and fire in the distance had danced in front of his eyes.
Then the morning came, and he had found himself alone. Deepscorn Hollow had become nothing but a burnt out ruin of its former glory. The smell of burnt wood had been everywhere, and the smell of burnt flesh and dust had filled his nostrils. Everything had been taken from him, and he had found himself alone. No-one to hold his hand, and no-one to have pity on him.
Kerai never found his father, or his body that day. He had run to the city of Leyawin, but no-one helped him. Not the guards who sneered at the young argonian, or the citizens who saw him as nothing more then a soot stained urchin. He had cried by himself, and for many days after without anyone beside him.
Ever since that day, Kerai had been by himself, scrounging every day to live. He had gone from each city and eventually ended up in Bruma after several years, living off wild plants and stealing from the Surrelie Farms and smaller villages. He had support from the other beggars in each city, and they sometimes shared their food with him, but no-one had held him, or was there for him.
But now, he found someone else in the same position. His life had seemed perfect in his own way, but because of one thing, it was all taken away from him. Kerai had never found out what had happened that night, but he knew what was happening now. Aleron felt alone, and he would be there for him.
The argonian slowly lied down beside the fire and kept the Kahjiit in his arms, holding him close to his scaled body as the fire burned in front of them. Alerons breathing became peacefull as he was held, and soon Kerai fell asleep as well, holding Aleron close and not once letting go of him.
It was almost another day later when the two of them found themselves in front of the Eastern Gate to the City of Skingrad. It had felt like an eternity of walking for them to get that far, and both of them felt tired and sore, mostly in their legs. But a sense of relief washed over them as they knew that it wouldn't be long before they could rest themselves.
The guards at the gate nodded to them both, but their eyes were cold as they studied the two newcomers. One was obviously an urchin or begger, and the other...well, he was dressed in official clothing of the Mages guild, but they were dirty and starting to look ragged. They should keep an eye on him just in case.
The gate opened and the two stepped inside, although the gate nearly closed on their tails. Kerai had jumped out of the way in fear, but Aleron barely noticed.
"Where's Rosethorn hall?"Aleron wearily asked the nearest guard. To his dismay, it was a Redguard that he had addressed.
"What's it to you, begger?" the guard demanded, summing up Aleron in just the one word, purely on how he was dressed. Aleron felt an icey jab in his heart at the word. He had never been called it before, although now it seemed that he would be from now on. He sighed both inwardly and outwardly. If there was enough strength inside him, he would've said something about it, but didn't.
"Could you tell me where it is please?" he asked calmly. The guard merely sneered. A lowly begger like this know about courtesy? This was unheard of.
"What will you give me if I tell you where it is?" the guard said with a sneer as he prodded Alerons chest sharply with his finger. The Kahjiit felt the sharp prods in the centre of his chest, the thin cloth of the robes offered no resistance to the harsh jabs. He stumbled back a little from the jabs, but said nothing about them.
"I'll give you this" Aleron said as he dug into his pockets and pulled out a pendant. Kerai saw that it was a green and white pendant with a gold chain, and for a moment thought that it was familiar.
"I'll give you this pendant. Its worth a few hundred gold, and I have no use for it anymore" Aleron said as he held the Spelldrinker Amulet in front of him. "Just tell me where Rosethorn Hall is please" he asked.
The guard said nothing for a moment as he greedily looked at the amulet before he snatched it from the felines hands.
"Down that way. You can't miss it" he said with a smirk as he pointed down the street. "Now get lost before I arrest you for wasting space" he demanded as he gave the Kahjiit a strong enough shove to send him to the ground. The guard laughed and walked off as Aleron struggled to get up.
Kerai quickly went over to help the Kahjiit, but he was met with a slap that missed him by a mile.
"Don't touch me" Aleron said loudly to him as he struggled to his feet. "Just...just leave me alone" he said as tears formed in his eyes.
"Aleron, don't cry" Kerai said as he moved towards him with his arms outstretched. "Please don't cry, you'll only feel worse."
"Don't touch me" Aleron said as he feebly tried to brush the argonians hands away, but he hadn't the strength and just gave in as he felt the arms wrap around him. "Please...don't..." he said feebly as he started to cry again.
"It'll be ok" Kerai whispered to him as he held him gently. He could feel the stares all around them, but he didn't care. "We're here" he said gently as he just held the Kahjiit. "We're here in Skingrad, and it's not that far from the hall place. We'll get there, and we'll rest up and you'll feel better when you meet up with Xivilai" he said to him.
Xivilali. The name made him feel slightly better, but not by much.
"I don't know how much more I can take" Aleron said to his friend as he pulled off him slowly and started to head down the street. He felt the bag on his shoulder lift off and turned a little. Kerai was holding it in front of him.
"Let me carry your burden for a while" he said to him with a small but supportive smile. Aleron managed a small smile in return and they both headed towards the hall. But Aleron did not feel any better. His world was changing, and every step he took felt like it was bringing him closer to the end. And he felt more and more alone.
As the front door slowly creaked open, Alerons first thought was 'Wow'.
The interior of Rosethorn Hall was, in a short word, magnificent. The furniture was pristine, and everything gleamed from high polishing. From the hardwood floors to the high ceilings, everything look perfect.
"Are we in the right place?" Aleron said outloud. He had never seen such splendour anywhere. And everything around him spoke of gold and what it oculd get you.
The dining table was filled with pure silverware, and piled high with fruits and the kinds of cheeses and breads that top gold could get you. Display cases littered the first floor and each one was filled with jewels and weapons that looked as dangerous as they were beautiful. A warm fire glowed in the fireplace across from them.
"It's about time that you arrived" a deep silky voice said and Aleron felt his spirit soar at the voice as the Dremora appeared in front of him, draped in a dark cloak and nothing else.
"Xivali" Aleron cried out as he ran at the Dremora and flung his arms around him, practically crying with relief to see the one that he loved again.
"I missed you my little Kahjiit" the Dremora said with a grin as well as he hugged the feline close to his muscled chest. He felt the wonderfull vibrations of the felines purrs as he smiled and kisses between the furry pointed ears.
"I missed you so much" Aleron wept into the Dremoras neck as he held on. Xivali was much taller then he was and he was suspended almost a foot in the air as he hugged him.
The two of them stayed like that for what seemed like forever until the front door closed softly. Xivali looked up from his lover and saw a ragged looking argonian standing in front of the door, clutching a bag and looking around the place in awe.
"Who in Oblivion are you?" Xivali growled as he looked at the argonian. He reached under his cloak and pulled out the enormous hammer that he never put down.
"Xivali" Aleron started to say as he was dropped onto the floor. He fell onto his backside in time to see Xivali move towards the argonian. "XIVALI STOP" Aleron shouted as loudly as he could.
Kerai screamed as he saw the hammer rise up and head towards him, and he shut his eyes and cringed, believing that he was about to die. But when the blow did not happen, he slowly opened one eye.
The spike at the base of the hammer had barely stopped in front of his eye, and he whimpered, too afraid to move.
"Xivali, that's my friend" Aleron panted. He was sure that Xivali was not going to stop if he hadn't shouted.
"You're friend?" Xivali said as he lowered the hammer, the huge piece of metal touching the floor with a dull thud. "Since when did you have friends?" he asked.
"Xivali, how could you do that?" Aleron cried out as he stood up and went over to Kerai, who would not stop trembling in fear. "You could have killed him" he shouted.
"Don't shout at me" Xivali shouted back at him. "You're the one who brought a stupid begger home."
"Home?" Aleron asked as he held Kerai in his arms. The argonian merely whimpered and shook all over. "What do you mean home?" the feline asked.
"This hall is ours" Xivali said to him, tightening the grip on the handle of his hammer. "I managed to get it after you left for that mission thing you had to do, and it's all ours" he said to him. "We have a home to be in."
"How could you get this place?" Aleron asked him, completely confused. Why had Xivali struck out like that? And why was he acting so strange? He was acting like he barely missed him. True he had hugged him, but there was little behind the hug. And why did he seem so unconcerned?
"I'll tell you later, after you get rid of the begger" Xivali said as he lifted up the hammer and placed it on the small table in front of the fireplace. "I'm not having scum like him wandering around."
"I'm not leaving him" Aleron said to him. "And if you don't like it, then I'll leave" he said fiercly. For a moment Xivali said nothing to him, and for that moment, Aleron wondered if he had stepped over the line.
"Fine" Xivali said slowly. "There's a spare bed for servants under the house in the basement. He can stay there if he's that important to you" he said flatly as he turned and headed up the stairs at the side. "I'll be upstairs if you need me" he added over his shoulder.
Kerai seemed almost desperate to get into bed and under the warm sheets. There was no objections about the basement being overcrowded and the bed being lumpy and the blankets scratchy. He just seemed desperate to curl up by himself and go to sleep. Aleron figured that
the argonian just wanted to believe it had been a dream and wake up and find it was all over.
Truth be told, Aleron was feeling the same way. His heart was heavy once again and the strength in his body had left him. He was so confused, and could barely think at all. He didn't know what he should be feeling right now, and it confused him all the more.
As he stepped onto the ground floor and headed upstairs, the hall began to grow darker as the sun started to set. The sparkling silver and gems and shinyness around the hall dimmed down and soon faded into the setting sun.
He was silent as he finally found the last door to the bedroom, and he slowly opened it. As the door creaked open, Aleron knew he needed answers, and he was going to use the only weapon he had.
"You feeling better now?" Xivali asked as he saw Aleron step inside.
"I need answers" Aleron said as he stood in front of Xixali, who was sitting at a desk covered in letters and papers. He appeared to be writing something, but he quickly turned the paper over. "And I want them now" Aleron demanded.
Xivali said nothing for what seemed like several long moments before he smirked.
"You want answers? For what?" he demanded.
"This house. You're attitude towards Kerai, and why you almost killed him" Aleron said firmly, not taking his eyes off the Dremora. "I thought you'd be happy to see me again, but..." he said as he tried to find the right words. "But you're not even acting like it. You're just sitting there, and you don't even look like you care at all" he finished.
"Alright" Xivali said, not looking the slightest bit concerned. "But I ask a couple of questions first" he said in a hard voice. "Why did you bring a tramp into our house?" he demanded.
"He is not a tramp" Aleron said, looking shocked that Xivali called him that. "I..I met him in Bravil" he said.
"So? Why didn't you leave him there? The beggars are meant to be on the street" Xivali said.
"I...." Aleron started to say. "I let him have a night at the inn cause he was picked on by the guards, and I thought he could come back to the University with me and I'd help him to get a place to stay" he said.
"Well, that was mighty nice of you" Xivali said to him, a heavy frown on his face. "Not many around here would care about some urchin like him" he said as he looked up at the kahjiit.
Alerons heart began to hammer as his lips and throat suddenly became dry.
"You fucked him, didn't you?"
Aleron felt like he had been slapped in the face and a for a moment he was lost for words. But that sudden loss of words was all that Xivali needed to hear.
"I thought so" he said to him as he stood up and turned his back on the kahjiit. "You can't handle being alone and you went and pretty much jumped into bed with the first thing you found."
"It wasn't like that" Aleron whispered as he felt tears fill his eyes. He found that his voice was barely working, and his knees were trembling. He grabbed a hold of the desk in order to stop himself from falling over.
"Then what was it like?" Xivali said, without turning around to look at the feline. "Obviously you liked it, otherwise you wouldn't have brought the tramp home with you."
"Xivali...I'm sorry. I..... I don't....I ..." Alerons voice caught in the back of his throat and his vision blurred.
"You cheat on me, and bring the tramp back with you. What am I supposed to say? I could smell him on you as soon as you walked through the dam door. He was all over you" Xivali said as his voice rose.
Aleron could hear him continue to talk, but the Kahjiit did not hear any of the words. He felt like he was made of lead. His limbs were heavy, and his body ached and felt cold inside and out. His knees finally gave way and he collapsed against he desk, landing ontop of the papers that Xivali had been writing out. For a moment he couldn't see, and he couldn't feel a thing.
Everything had collapsed around him, and his world was caving in around him. And Xivali just stood there, back turned to him and did nothing to ease the Kahjiits torment.
"I'm sorry Xivali" Aleron said with his heart, but his throated burned with the words. He was sorry. He had been sorry that he had cheated on his love from the moment it had happened. He hadn't been sorry that he had given Kerai the love that the argonian had desperately needed. Just sorry it came at the price of cheating to his lover.
But Xivali did nothing. He did not turn around, nor make any sound to indicate that he had hear his lovers apology. Aleron closed his eyes, and wished that Xivali would say something.
That was when Aleron saw the letter that Xivali had been writing. Something on that letter made his heart slowly down and the cold leave his body. As he slowly struggled to his feet and ran the back of his hand across his eyes, he momentarily forgot about Xivali and wondered what he had seen.
The ink on the paper was still glossy, which meant that Xivali had written it that day. It looked like an ordinary letter, stamped with the Rosethorn Seal and addressed to the Counts Steward Sho-Grum Yarug. Nothing was wrong with it, but something on that letter had made Alerons heart stop.
"............and to thank you for the generous decorations that were available from Chorrol. I must remember to thank you properly for your assistance in setting up the house. You do seem eager to please myself, and, suffice to say, I enjoy pleasing you as your rewards. I am sure that we can arrange the usual payment in the main quarters while I have the chance too. I will be alone until tomorrow, but I may get a chance to be by myself once I arrange it."
Aleron felt his heart stop for what seemed like an age before it hammered like crazy against his chest.
This...was this what he was reading? Was he reading about ..services? What services? Decorating the house? Someone was doing that? Who was this person? And payment? What was that? Xivali had no gold. Didn't he? How could he pay someone with no gold? He didn't have any. So what was he paying this person with?
There could only be one thing that Xivali was doing to provide payment. And things suddenly made sense to him.
"You cheated on me" Aleron breathed, and as he spoke those words, it felt like everything was lifted from his shoulders.
"What?" Xivali said as he looked over his shoulder.
"You cheated on me" Aleron said to him as he looked up, the letter in his hand.
"What are you talking about?" Xivali said, looking at the kahjiit. "I haven't done anything wrong."
"The house...the jewels...the weapons...everything here, you've bought with your body" Aleron said as he took a step forward.
"What the hell are you talking about?" XIvali said. "you're the one that cheated on me and brought the beggar home."
Aleron said nothing as he brought his hand up and clasped it around the golden pendant that was still wrapped around his neck, and Xivali shut up and fell silent.
"Tell me the truth" Aleron said, getting the courage to say what he had intended to. "This is why there was nothing behind your hug. You don't love me anymore, do you? DO YOU?" he shouted at him.
Xivali said nothing before he nodded his head as small as he could.
"Why?" Aleron asked. The nod had felt like a dagger through his chest, but somehow, it wasn't as bad as he had thought.
"Aleron, originally I didn't want this to happen" Xivali said to him. There was nothing in his face. "I thought I did love you, and that's why I wanted the house. So we could live together, and I could be with you. I thought that's what I wanted.
"But, getting this house, made me feel guilty. I did all sorts of services to get everything I thought we needed, and I only stopped feeling guilty when I decided not to love you."
Decided. Like it was a choice.
"So that's why you can yell at me for cheating on you, and you're not even sorry that you did to me?" Aleron shouted as loudly as he could to the Dremora.
"What is love?" Xivali asked him. "It's nothing more then a connection between two people. And I don't feel that connection anymore" he said. "I just don't feel like I used to with you. I guess....you were what you mortals call a fling."
Alerons grip became tighter in his hand and his heart somehow started to steady.
"So that's what it's come to" Aleron said to him. "I went through all that trouble to keep you here because I loved you, and I'm the one breaking my heart for you because I cheated once, and here you are, telling me that you don't care, you don't love me, and you don't feel sorry for doing only the Nine know what with who knows how many?" he shouted.
Xivali nodded.
"I guess that is what I'm saying" Xivali said to him.
"Then I don't need to feel guilty about doing this" Aleron said as he snapped the golden chain.
And Xivali faded to nothing. For a moment, the sound of the fireplace was all that could be heard in the large room. That was all that existed, the soft crackling of the burning wood.
And then Aleron collapsed onto the floor. The pendant fell onto the hard wood and bounced once into the brick wall, the shiney gem cracked in the middle and splintered as the feline began to cry, his whole body heaving.
Xivali was gone, and so was the love that they had once had. To think, all that worry, all that loneliness, all that guilt, and all that longing had been for nothing.
It was a while before Aleron calmed down enough to stand up. He felt better, in a way. Less heavy, and a little less cold.
He didn't feel guilty as he left the bedroom, shutting the door on the emptiness behind him. It was like...he had known for a while. That kind of feeling. After all, Dremora and Deadra, whatever they called themselves, did they know love to begin with? Maybe...maybe Xivali did have good intentions to begin with, but once he stopped feeling guilty, there was no turning back.
But what would he have done anyway? Sneak around behind Alerons back while the Kahjiit lived in a dream world? How long till he found out? What would have happened then?
It didn't matter anymore as Aleron opened the door to the basement and headed downstairs. He didn't feel guilty about sending Xivali back. Well, if he did feel guilty, that would have meant he'd miss him.
"Aleron?" Kerai said as he sat up a little as the Kahjiit pulled the sheets back on the bed. "What is it?" he asked.
"I want to stay with you" Aleron said as he wrapped the blankets around the both of them.
"What?" Kerai asked, confusion written across his face.
"It's up to you" Aleron said slowly to him. "Whatever you want. I want to stay with you, if you'll let me. We can go where we want, and be where we went. I just want to be with you" Aleron whispered to him as he rested his head on the argonians chest. It felt so good to lie down.
"Please, just let me be with you" he whispered again as he closed his eyes. His body finally gave in and went limp under the coarse sheets. It was the gentle thudding of the argonians heart that lulled him into the warming sleep that he needed, but it was the soft gentle words that sounded like silk against his ears that made him finally purr.
"We'll stay here. Together."