depression and pain

Story by commisiar on SoFurry

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I was feeling extremely disgruntled and angry with myself, as of today I am not sure if I should write anymore. My heart hurts alot as I feel pain caused by something of my own grief.


Kris watched her father toss and turn in his sleep seeing him whimper and whine. She sighed despite feeling his arms wrapped around her waist as she thought "not another one, insensitive bastard should have at least dug into more information about my father I mean it's clearly posted on his profile instead he blocked him, CAN'T he even see that my father is FUCKING depressed despite his attitude that is a actual coping mechanism?!"

It was a very sad realization that his attitude, emotions and that emotional mask he wears was a means to cope. She knew her father wasn't mature enough but nothing could help him, his resolve to do things he wanted to do was wearing down. His mental strength even less so, it was depressing to see the amount of pain he was in especially from yesterdays scuffle with another author Frost Borealis.

She sighed watching her mother gently stroke his ears seeing him stiffen before watching tears that ran down his cheek. He wanted so badly to apologize but alas the damage was done as the author saw him as only an immature dick that wasn't fit for his ambassador title. He never did understand why, just exactly why his actions made him do what he did.

Being tired from staying up at 3:00 Am in the morning like he always does when he doesn't work is not just a habit. It's a minor coping mechanism because he is sick and tired of most of his life, however he never did fall deeper until now. His heart hurts, his chest hurts, even simple compliments would send her father into a wreck of tears much to their concern.

Kris whispered "mother is daddy going to be alright?"

Sheana sighed closing her golden eyes and whispered "i'm not sure, i've never seen your father this devastated before. He must have be having a severe nightmare."

A sickening red jolt flickered across his face making him give a silent scream of agony as he opened his eyes in shock. Sheana covered her mouth felt his heart beat stop as he flat lined. Kris widened her eyes gasping as she replied "Get the shock paddles now! Daddy has flat lined!"

and so she did taking the emergency shock paddles that her husband had placed in the medicine cabnet and applied the gel to them before shouting "CLEAR!"

and gave him a shock, as they did his empty thoughts soon began to darken and twist as his mental avatar retreated into his mind as a true living nightmare should itself.

Night fell across the city as a lone figure sat in the bathroom holding onto a razor blade.

Slick

Was the sound as it sliced acrossed his silver furred wrist letting his blood fall onto the ground slowly. His trembling posture hid his barely restrained grief and sorrow with deep pain in his golden hazel eyes.

Past the coldness and slightly hostile air was a deeply wounded man created from pain, grief, and sorrow of his life.

He resumed his cutting across his other wrist slowly slicing the arteries as well as he shed a tear holding back his silent sobs.

He leaned back against the wall as he materialized a bottle of pure medical alcohol and popped the cork as he swigged. His thoughts went through his life and all the inactions done by teachers, his parents, and all the trauma done by his own immature self.

The sorrow and tears that showed on his face was starting to crack his control. Having genetic traits for depression was always a hassle tempered by expectations of his father as a child. Teased and insulted by teenagers in high school about his own sexuality. Things were difficult for a high functioning autistic having never grown the right way.

He trembled despite the amount of pain his stomach was in for ingesting the amount of poison he did as he slid out off the floor and into the master bedroom. He covered his face to hold back his growing sobs as he rocked himself back and forth still holding the razor in his hands.

Sheana watched this with sorrow in her golden eyes hiding behind her glasses as their daughter and son cried watching their father destroy himself.

She shook her head and headed down stairs trying to understand just how fragile and deeply wounded her husband was as she gently nuzzled Kris.

Kris looked at her father in grief and sorrow as he stopped sobbing while staring at the ceiling with blank lifeless dead eyes that was on her before. He had given up and stopped fighting as lowered his head and shook softly his eyes having an insane gleam in them as he did so.

She looked away and whispered "father... Yet another issue caused by his emotions and temper when writing."

Sheana sighed as she hugged the wolfess and replied "your father has tried to mature and he has but in some cases his mind won't let him. Words that lecture him hurt him more then it should due to his sensitivity..."

Her husbands ears twitched as he heard this before slowly standing up and looked around spying the bedroom window. He opened it with a soft click and exited the room before taking off in a dash.

He wanted to be left alone he always wanted to be left alone when he was tired or he would make some minor or big mistakes. He just wanted direct contact with Frost and would have if the other being Dono didn't get in the way. His vindictive personality just screwed things over as did his ire that was mistakenly placed. He never wanted it to continue when yet the bugger added a message right afterwards in a provoking matter making him leave yet another mistake and this mistake cost him dearly.

He hates being immature and tries to mature but it wasn't any good, it just hurt him and hurt him because he doesn't understand. His parents never taught him or explained to why maturity was a good reason.

To hurt, to angry, to spiteful were all these thoughts as he took yet another swig as he spiraled down the road of suicide.

He hic cupped as he through the bottle and watched it smash against the wall of the alley, he was in no condition to visit his soul mate nor was he in any condition to ride his hover cycle. However he did so anyway placing on his helmet and walked to the drive way to take out his bike as he materialized his swat armor.

Sheana raised her head hearing the roar of a bike and she closed her eyes as she shed a tear. No matter how hard she and husband tried during their psychologist lessons she could not get him to explain why or vent. He just couldn't vent to let his feelings explode as though it wasn't possible so she covered her eyes and whispered "I'm sorry Evan..."

Evan let his eyes roam the streets before he watched a truck over turn as it fell onto its side followed by the crash of other vehicles. His lifeless eyes blinked as he gazed at the large tank it was carrying that was beginning to rupture and a family of foxes stuck inside a car next to it.

His thoughts dulled as the whispers of suicide grew and grew even while knowing he could have easily pulled them free and their car as well with his own psionic abilities. However his thoughts won out as he shed a tear as he finally gave up however he touched a button on his right gauntlet pulling up the holoscreen and wrote his will.

Everything goes to his wife, while his mantle goes to his daughter as he promised followed by the last instructions for her to choose or not to choose before heading over to the accident.

He got off his bike and jumped onto the side off the car and ripped off the door before escorting them all out. Their fur was covered in scratches as he pulled them free slowly, while this was going on his wife drove towards the scene at full throttle in her enforcer uniform. Her head lights were on and she watched the tanker started to crack as the walls were going to give away.

Her eyes widened as her husband pulled the last off the fox family free and she mouthed 'no, no, no please, oh please!' as he stood still and spread out his harms slowly and closed his eyes. She shed a tear and started to weep as the tanker ruptured sending out a very high velocity piece of metal that sliced through her husbands guts and armor like tissue paper before he was sprayed with liquid nitrogen.

As he started to freeze over he removed his gauntlets letting them drop as he fell over and shattered into pieces...

Bong

Was the sound of a church bell as Sheana dressed in black along with her children. Her daughter sobbed as bitter tears rolled down her face, her father and only true lover as she clenched the rose in her hand. She scrunched up her face as her mother whispered "Kris are you alright?"

She was disturbed as she saw dark rage in her daughters eyes and the need for vengeance against the ones responsible as her normal ice colder eyes turned much darker.

"kill them, kill them, kill them all!"

Was her thoughts and she had desperately tried to block them before they seeminly blocked her mothers voice out as she snarled in rage. She trembled as she picked up her fathers gauntlets that rested on his black coffin picking up his mantle as the vigilante of New York with a rather nasty blood fued to settle... personally.

"KILL THEM, KILL THEM, KILL THEM ALL!"

They repeated and repeated as it plagued her being feeling dark rage soar through her body. She gritted her teeth as she slipped them in place and accessed the right gauntlets screen pulling up a black window as a twisted dark smile crossed her face.

A holo projection was visible showing her father with his lifeless look before he committed suicide. He croaked out "hello Kris as you can see I am dead, You don't have to pick up my mantle or do anything in fact it's optional but here it is anyway."

His holo projection cut out as a list of names appeared.

_ 1 Dono. _

_ 2 Lithier. _

_ 3. Frosty borealis. _

She trembled in glee as their information, where about's and addresses appeared followed by three simple words to check on them, tell them or she chose the last option instead.

_ Optional assignment: make them pay. _

She closed out of the screen before slicing her palm with a sharp rock she had carried. She trembled in rage as she thought "first Lithier caused my father to become a dark cynical ass hole accidently, then theres Dono the reason why he got fucking egged on by messaging him, and now Frosty, oh that fucking blue two tailed fox was the last straw that broke my fathers back. Deleting all his work, fighting depression that was to strong and BECAUSE of his genes that created his depression he killed himself BECAUSE they were the ones to cause this. Our family shall declare a blood feud with these people and we will not settle it until the day they are dead for taking him away due to prejudice and not fully understanding how hurt our fragile father really was!"

Fires of dark hatred lit inside her eyes as she let her blood soak the ground bellow sealing her vow as bitter tears of rage rolled down her face as she thought while sobbing as the same tears ran down her mothers and little brothers face as well with the same outlook as well as they read the reasons why he did what he did on his right gauntlet. She closed her eyes and buried her head in her mothers chest as she heard the howl of sorrow of her fathers male soul mate.

"I miss you daddy..."

Ever since that day Kris would always wear her funeral clothes and only spoke in soft whispers. It devastated her little brother and especially her mother who took to drinking just enough to block out the pain.

Her husband was the only thing that had kept her stable for so long, and she feared that she might track down the ones responsible and pull the trigger on them. Writers are their own worst enemies if they don't fully understand one another was her extremely bitter thoughts as she gave a bark of sardonic laughter.

she whispered "fucking bastards I wonder if their fucking happy for what they have caused. Causing my husband to much emotional pain even when he was clearly fucking depressed is not ambassador material at all mister Borealis."

she mocked before laughing again as she broke down into sobs.

She tried to stay strong for thier son however she would cringe seeing his lifeless blank eyes gazing back.

Soon enough Kris couldn't take it anymore donning her fathers vigilante armor, a red and black colored armor with a crimson visor in the helmet. Her objectives were clear to remove the bastards responsible.

She spotted her targets three men laughing, one a red colored fox, another a black house cat and third was a two tailed blue fox. She scowled as she adjusted her aim with the sniper rifle and whispered "you bastards deserve to burn for what you have caused to my father, accidently or on purpose." and pulled the trigger.

CRACK, CRACK, CRACK!

Sheana breathed a soft sigh of relief as she stabilized her husband before watching him open his eyes. She recoiled seeing a large deep gash of insanity and malicious nature before he covered his face while shaking harshly.

A gentle orange furred hand was gently placed on his right cheek making him settle down before entering a rough sleep. the hand belonged to his male soulmate a younger lad of only seventeen with blue eyes who was nude in his bed. His name was Red Savarin possibly the only one who was still very much innocent.

Kris smiled sadly as she gently rubbed his chest adn whispered "poor father, i'm sure if we work togethe we can heal his pain, sorrow, and grief..."

Red smiled kindly kindly before adding "together we fight, together we fall..."

AN: I didn't made this to be vindicative, I made this because I was still pretty steamed and yet screwed up emotionally and mentally. My chest hurts as does my heart because of how badly first impressions are and exactly why some authors don't really examine others with very good details. I had listed various warnings in my profile, being depressed, angry, a tad spiteful or tired. What exactly happened yesterday was very devastating to my emotional and self esteem, i'm prone to making angry comments, statements, because I always lash out as a little bit of a coping mechanism I have when disgruntled or angry. Once a habit in middle school it's become ingrained too much within my being.

As of today this will might be the last thing I will post, because I have no reason to write anymore. My strings are plucked an so is my patience, I'm to tired even though I got a full nights rest because of my depression kicking into over time. It's bad enough that it makes me think should I leave or should I saty and wait for more torment as this was untontentionally caused by a message from FrostBorealis.

While what happened was my fault in causing a flame war because of my impared tired mind he decided to block me it did far more harm then good when he sent me that message about my immaturity about the situation and I will not say what it was. I felt shock before I resigned from my ambassador duties as I am clearly unfit for such duties before everything went to hell as I broke out into sobs from having amass of such sorrow and my depression has quite a semi strong grip.

Despite how I appear to have a tough front for my fursona, i'm rather a very sensitive and fragile man with bouts of anger. Emotional exhaustion, spite and bitterness even though I do truly mean to say that all I want to say is that I am sorry Frost Borealis and any I did offend for what I have done...