Letting Go
I wrote this story to deal with the loss of my real life brother. It deals with no wanting to let go, holding on to whatever you can even if the idea is pure insanity. But it also deals with coming to terms, finding a happy middle ground which is sorta where my life is now.
It had been days after his brother's passing, that he began going through both of their belongings to see not only what could be kept, but what had to be tossed, and what could get donated. But when he discovers while going through a box, a small ceramic figure of a bear. A flood of memories now fill his every waking moment as he recalls how his mother gave it to Dennis as a birthday present long ago, back when they both were still little more than kids. It was time also when they had little money for extras, but still she wanted them to have at least something. But despite all the moves, and all that had happened to the pair of them since their mother's own passing. The bear remained intact, while his glass marble mouse had long since disappeared. As he holds that bear tight to his chest he cries his heart out"Dennis why did you have to die?!!!".
He lost not only his brother, his best friend, someone he could always count on being there with no questions asked. "Dennis, why couldn't you tell me you had cancer", but there is no answer for is is very much alone. The longer the man holds that figure of a bear, the more questions he has, than answers. He knew his brother had jaundice for more than a year but really never thought twice about it. Oh sure his G.I. Doctor hinting at possible cancer, with more a wait and see attitude...terminal cancer was the last thing on his mind. But they had been close all there lives, after all they had never separated until that final trip to the hospital.
His sleep was restless most nights, tossing and turning, awake for hours without end. Along with the bouts of tears, that occur both day and night. Sure his heart was broken over his loss, but still he wished he had answers to the questions that raced around in his own mind. Like when did his brother 1st knew, he had cancer and why those 3 trips to the hospital the last 2 months of his life. But then there the biggest question when did his brother knew his cancer was terminal. In fact the only reason he found out about it through a family friend who was now a Pastor demanding answers from Dennis who finally let his doctors speak the truth.
Oh he remembers that horrible, horrible day when his brothers doctors called him in for a meeting. Once they gave him the news, he felt as if his world caved in beneath him. He still is uncertain how he got home.
Then there was the worse days to come keeping his brothers hopes alive as the cancer spread in those final 2 weeks. He prays to God forgiveness for trying to block out part of the very last day he ever spent. It was there in his room as they shared apple juice and orange creme bars...like they did when they were kids. They talked about future plans, and life itself. But in his hearts of hearts he knew this would never happen. For once he left his brother and decided to go home. Tears rained down both cheeks for the remainder of the day.
Less than 36 hours later his brother died.
"Dr. Ed Delmar, you know you have classes to teach. I know it is a tragic loss when a family member dies but it's been months and you haven't return to work". That is what his college president said to him, his only answer was, "I quit".
He wanted answers, after all they had been so close nothing was ever a secret to them. But this cancer, was was no logic behind why his brother keep it a secret right up near the end. He had tried God, mediums, and psychics and all he found he was just as lost and as devastated as he was the day of his brother's memorial service.
"What good is all this education I have if it leaves me empty inside!!!" he screamed as he stood by an open window of his 19th floor apt as he pondered life itself. Then he suddenly had this germ of an idea of building a device to communicate with the dead. He knew it had been tried before without success. But he was sort of a genius with electronics and he knew the experts who could possibly guide him in the right direction in to building such a device. He then shut the window and logged in to his PC and did his research.
Driven like a madman which he was slowly becoming, even after months after abandoning friends, and
associates he thought he had discover a previously undiscovered wave. Every time he concentrated a unique signal would appear on the computer screen. His mind reasoned that this must be the wave that connects the living to the dead. That was when his real work began, building a device to use that signal to reach out to contact those who were no longer around.
The project took years and everything he had just to reach out to his now long dead brother, save for that ceramic bear which always sat right next to his work. Now living in a shack on the edge of town, the device was now complete. He then turned it on, the screen appeared which was composed of pure energy as slowly a picture began to appear of that of fields of what. As he came closer he could see it was of corn and tomatoes and all sorts of vegetables. He had to stop and think about it for a moment. Where had he seen something like that before. Back at the old farmhouse they had as kids. But when he heard the voice of his brother say, "We need to plant the raspberries over there". He knew it had to be him and began crying out, "Dennis, Dennis it's me your brother Ed!!! For God's sake can't you hear me!!!". There was nothing for the longest time, then he heard the voice say, "Ed?!".
That was when Ed reached out towards the screen, and shack was suddenly blown apart by a terrific explosion which leveled everything. Leaving nothing more than rubble in it's wake.
For Ed did not die all he could remember is the feeling of falling for what seemed like forever until he finally passed out.
Before finding himself in the modest farmhouse, which the more he thought about reminded him of the one from his childhood. He almost felt like this had to be a dream as he sat up and began to look around. Everything was there from the quilt with it's colorful design hanging on the walls. To the rough made furniture built by his father and grandfather and then to discover he had been covered this quilt, he found himself almost in tears because it was the very same one of his childhood which had been lost for years. The same could be said for everything he saw. The furniture, the lamps, the rugs, in fact everything he knew all too well. He even looked through an open doorway to see if there was staircase to an upper floor. Sure enough it in deed was there, and so was the handmade red rug that always lay at the bottom of the stairs. He suddenly remembered running down those stairs as a kid and sliding on the carpet as he hit literally bottom. He laughed at the thought of nearly breaking his tail bone more than once.
Ed was crying tears of joy when he suddenly heard the voice of his brother say, "Ahh, your awake Would you like something to drink". Which was something he would always say to his brother in the mornings. "Sure anything would be fine". "Good enough". Ed could not believe any of this was this real or did he finally go mad.
But then it hit him, his family lost the house shortly after his father died of leukemia. Oh sure his mother made an effort to keep the house and the family possessions in the end but for some reason or the other they lost everything in the end.
He was just checking out a table, pacifically this one drawer to see if a particular pair of scissors just happened to be there when he finally heard someone coming. He waited with excitement.
That is when he saw him, it wasn't the figure of his brother. It was a bear dressed in overhauls and boots, all the while carrying 2 wooden cups. Ed freaked out the moment he saw it, and made a run for the door...at least he did until the bear said in a voice that could of belonged to his brother, "What is it with you wolves, someone offers you something and you go out of your minds...like your all crazy or something". That was when Ed stopped as it suddenly hit him, "Did you say wolves?" That bear looked at him like he was out of his head, "Yes your a wolf, and a naked one at that". That was when Ed finally looked at himself and saw he was covered in his own fur, in a pattern resembling that of a wolf. Then he felt his own face and head, which left him asking, "What the hell happened to me I was a human being?!!". As the bear finally handed him the cup, "I don't know anything about these human beings your talking about. I just know if you want to hang around here your going to have to wear some clothes, and work for your room and board. Know anything about farming wolf?".
Ed almost had no time to absorb it all, expect to reply "The name is Ed". "Funny that name seems strangely familiar, have you ever been around this way before". "No I guess not". "The name is Dennis, and this is my farm. We grow fruit and vegetables for the people in and around this valley...as long as no one steals them". "Sounds like you got problems". "Mainly with wolves, they think because I get it from nature for free, they can just take it anytime they want. They just don't know the hard work involved in keeping my crops healthy. I hope you can keep your wolf buddies at bay". By the way Dennis pointed his finger at him, he knew he meant that. The only reply Ed could give was "Okay, I'll try, and I do know something about farming".
Dennis then showed him a bunch of old work clothes in a back room, "They belonged to an old farm hand by the name of Hank". "Hand Drebble", Ed wonders as he remembers that is the man who helped around the family farm when he was just a kid. "I don't know this Drebble, but I do know this Hank and his love of fermented berry juice. That is why he no longer works for me, work out well and you might get paid. Don't and you'll leave here as I found you". That was when Ed turned to Dennis and asked, "How did you find me?". "That was the funniest thing I was over by the field where I plan on planting some raspberry vines, to see how much work has to be done. Then there you were naked as I found you, as if someone threw you there...they didn't did they". Scratching his head, "All I can remember is being in some sort of explosion". "Then your lucky to be alive, now once you get dressed I want you to place that cup in the sink then follow me outside and grab a pick we have a lot of work to do before we plant them late this winter".
Finally Ed was left alone, frankly he had a hard time making heads and tails of all of this...especially his own. Which was definitely real...as it hurt when he tugged on it. 'Dennis a bear?!'
It was good to be back on a farm again. The memories from his childhood just kept on flooding in. But then there was this Dennis who was so much like his own late brother...but sorta different as well. This one could cook, as he quickly learned, "Like that juice I gave you, it's my own combination". But that wasn't all, when Ed asked about the farm, "The farm, I got it from my parents. They are both retired now, they live in a home run by our cousins for retired senior folk". "Then I guess you have nobody to leave it to when your gone". "I know you wolves, your not going to get this place. I plan on getting married to Susan, this winter. She has her own place on the other side of the valley. She is planning on turning her farm over to other relations and once they prove to her they can run her farm, she will be moving in with me...after were married of course".
Naturally he was left with more questions than he had answers for, but he also quickly discover this one had the same concern for others like his late brother. As they walked to where the raspberries was going to be planted. Carrying the tools they needed Dennis asked him, "I know you wolves take great pride in your families. I don't expect you'll be seeing them soon". Ed just sighed, "I lost my father due to cancer back when I was still just a kid, my mother a stroke when I was 17, and my brother all too recently also to cancer". That was when this Dennis patted him on the back, "I am truly sorry, cancer can be a bitch. So your all alone in this world". "(sigh) I am not even a mate anywhere in sight". "I guess your left feeling empty inside". "I sure am, sometimes it hurts more than I can stand it. You see my brother hid the fact he had cancer and when I found out it was already too late". "You know some people will hide the fact that something will be taking there lives. But they don't want to pass along that torment to anyone, I guess your brother was like that". "Sure was, it was like you were there". "..and when you found out it was terminal. It was only then he wanted help...right?!'. "Right?!!!" "He just wanted to spare you his torment, maybe he had the kind of cancer at first that could not be easily treated, some cancers can be like that". Ed just looked at him wondering if there was some connection between Dennis the bear and his brother. "He most likely wanted to ease your burden, little knowing that if you had more time with him while he still was alive you could handle what you eventually went through far better. Instead of feeling so empty that the idea of suicide became acceptable and possibly a choice you almost made. Just remember everyone has faults, and I guess your brother was no exception. He might of dropped the ball in the way he handled it, but your alive and here for a reason. I know they say that in church all the time. But think about, how much have your life changed already...not for the worse but for the better. Like finding me for one". Dennis just patted him on the back once again, "It gives you something to thank about".
Ed may of heard those exact same words before but it was different this time around. He actually felt as if his late brother had explained his actions. For the first time in a very long time he could say he felt better.
But the more he thought about Dennis the Bear, he knew this wasn't his brother. But he did like being around someone who simply cared about him again.
He may of felt better, but not so about the work this Dennis wanted him to do. As Dennis laid out his plans, "Conditions here are perfect for raspberries, except the soil you see which is full of large rocks. I need to have you dig down about 4 feet removing all the rocks you can and piling them up next to the cart I have over there. Once you get them all dug up then I want you to haul the rocks to that large boulder you see next to the peas down there. You see later I plan on using some of those rocks for a flower/herb garden for Susan. Don't worry about replacing the soil a neighbor is coming later with soil he says is perfect". "So this Susan loves raspberries". "Yes, in a way. You see I actually growing them for a neighbor. Her name is Millie she makes the best raspberry jam you ever tasted..but she can't grow any of them on her land...too many rocks. Now you get on with it...this should only take you a couple days". "And you'll be", Ed wonders. "In another part of my farm doing what I have to do, now get on with it".
As Ed worked with more a pick than a shovel began removing rock, after rock, after rock. after rock To him it seemed this soil was more rocks than anything else.
Then Dennis pulled a surprise on him a few hours later when he came to help him out. "I see you done very little". "Call it 2 things too damn many rocks and I am not use to all this hard work, I use to be a teacher". "Ahh no wonder so little work has been done, you want teach those stones right out of the soil". I was a bad joke, but Ed kinda laughed at the way this Dennis told it. By the time night came and work was through for the day Dennis offered him, "I don't how much I can trust you, especially after all my dealings with you wolves. You sleep in the barn tonight after dinner. Once you show that I can trust you, I'll offer you a room in the house if that's okay with you". "Anything you want...Dennis". That was when the bear turned to him, "I still can't quite figure out why do I think I know you, I know this sounds funny, but your like the brother I never had". Then he started to leave only adding, "There is a bucket over by the door...wash up and Dinner will be ready, when it's ready".
As Ed washed up, taking all the dirt out of his fur. He just felt plain confused by all of this. His parents...Alive?!! and seemly happy?!! Ed knew his father was a drunken beast when he got near the bottle, his cancer only ended the pure torment of the family. While his mother died of a stroke when he was 17, on that horrible horrible night. Dennis getting married?!! His brother wasn't plan interested in anyone male or female. If it was an alternate reality it was as alternate as you could get.
But Dennis as it turned out was an excellent cook...the meal was vegetarian, but there was more than he
could ever eat. But like his late brother this one loved to talk. He learned about his neighbors for the most part, and a name straight from his childhood. Carol, the first girl he ever had a crush upon. He learned she was single and looking. Ed wondered to himself did the magic he had with his Carol extended to the one in this world.
By the time dinner was over Dennis, Ed offered to lend a hand in cleaning up. But Dennis had an even bigger surprise, "You know since you did a lot more work than I expected, you can have one of the spare bedrooms upstairs.
Pacifically the one he showed him was his old bedroom when he was a kid. Ed was so overwhelmed he was crying out of pure emotion gave Dennis a big hug. "Well show someone a little kindness, now you have a good night Ed, we have a lot of work the next morning". "We sure do", as he wiped away the tears from his eyes.
Finally he was left alone to think about all that had happened today, but the one thing he had to admit he felt good about himself, more than he had in years. Maybe being with this Dennis..was dare he say God's way of letting him know it was finally time for him to let go. For he did remember that explosion, for only God could of saved his life...for what purpose only time would tell.
Speaking of time, he was very tired, down right sleepy so off with the work clothes and in to bed where he quickly fell asleep.
There was in deed a lot of work on the farm, Ed did his share in the days and weeks that were to come.
There was times he fully admitted he wasn't in shape for all the hard work. Then Dennis asked him "What kind of teacher were you"."Before this I was just a teacher of electronics". "Well teacher this is reality of life on a farm. I would not advise heading to our local school for a job. The ones who are already there have a job for life...and I intend to add to there problems if you know what I mean".
Dennis having kids...this truly was a different world.
Finally weeks later he came face to face with Dennis' biggest problem the wolves.
He had been in the far end of the field checking on a crop of asparagus when he ran in to 24 of them. 17 adults and 7 kids of various ages ranging from just a baby to a kids just being sick they are still kids.
So there he stood in his work clothes and there was the pack of wolves naked just in their fur and the
very first thing any of them says to him, "He smells funny, I don't trust him". "Neither does the farmer about you". Then one apparently their leader comes right up to him, "Why not shed those clothes and join are pack and be free". "And be hungry no thanks...that's why I got a job. I am sure the farmer here would hire any of you there is more than enough work around here". "Work is hard", another whines. "It's better than being hungry, and by the way I would not advise even nibbling on the plants around here most of the leaves will make you sick if you eat them". "A trick of a man that perverts nature". "He call you thieves", that was when some started growling. "Look all you want is food to fill your empty bellies..right. I assume none of you would object to eating the pests around the farm. Namely incests and rodents...right". "So what are you saying", their leader adds. "Look I am sure the farmer would have no objection if you eat only the pests around the farm. Then later this year we share the harvest with you...at least what you can carry. What do you say to that?" That was when they huddled around and began talking among themselves, until there leader, "Okay but all we have is your word". "What if I get the farmer over here and we talk about this". "Agreed".
A short time later Dennis turned to Ed, "I can't believe this, my problems with the wolves are over". "Best of all they are going to keep the fields pest free, and all it's going to cost you is a little produce". That was when Dennis slapped him on the back, "I always said it takes a wolf to talk to a wolf, and you proved my point. You definitely paid at harvest time...you earned it".
But that was not all for just 2 days later while working in the field he noticed 2 wolf kids were watching him as slowly a 3rd one was coming his way. Getting down on one knee he asks, "How can I help you". That when one of the kids shouts out, "We never seen anything like you before in our lives". "I guess I am a little different, of course where I came from is really different". Then the other kid shouts, "He's lying". Then the 3rd kid who seemed a bit older asks him, "Tell us what is so different". "If you don't mind me working, I'll tell you". "Sure go ahead".
By the time he told them about life in the city with it's noise and traffic. He had the kids to some weeding, "That is when it hit him, "These kids no absolutely nothing, except beyond surviving and that's it.
At the end of the day, he said to them, "Any of your friends want to come around and know something I'll be glad to talk to you about it". Sure enough nearly every wolf kid that was able to walk was there, just to listen and help out. When one of the mothers wondered what was up, he told her and the following, "They are good kids". She just smiled.
About a week later, Ed was out in the field to see if Dennis had a smaller shovel for one of the kids when he saw him running, he soon followed and quickly discovered why. It was a female bear and her companion a foxy she wolf.
By the time Ed had caught up to then Dennis, he was kissing what had to be Susan, meanwhile that sexy she wolf in a red dress, "The name is Carol, and you are..." "Ed". "Why is it I feel like I know you", Carol wondered. That was when when Susan "Look Carol you never met any male wolf named Ed in your life". "I think I better explain things Susan is my sister and I was adopted by her family after I was abandoned on her family's doorstep", Carol explained. "Oooo I wish you were left on my doorstep you look so fine in that red dress". "How nice of you to say", When Susan took Dennis by the hand and walked towards the house. Carol stopped Ed, "They want to be alone...after all they will be getting married soon". "Maybe that's a good thing, it will give us time to talk", Ed said.
As they too walked towards the house, Carol wonders, "So what have you been up to, I know silly I guess". "Not really it's more a matter of me getting use to life on a farm again. You see I grew up on one until my father died". "I am sorry". "No need to be that was a long time ago". "Have any friends back then?". "Lots, but I know this sounds a bit silly I had this grade school crush on this girl". "You remember her name?" "Don't laugh, it was Carol", she did anyway. "I would do anything to get her attention, flowers, candy, even my favorite toys. You name it, I tried it". "Even if she wanted to play doctor", that was when Ed nodded. "You got to be joking", Carol laughed. "No we actually played doctor, you know I'll show you mine, if you show me yours". Carol just seemed delighted by this, "So I guess you and her really hit it off later". "Sadly no, my family lost our home and we had to move. But the real reason things never went further was her sister, she just plain wanted to be there. I just couldn't get in to that". "Frankly, I don't blame you. If I was doing you show me yours with a guy I liked. I wouldn't want anyone else to be around there either".
Then suddenly they kissed, it wasn't one of those it was over before it began kind of kisses. This one turned in to one of those tongue sharing, kisses of pure passion.
That was when one of the wolf kids came up to him and asked, "Aren't you going to finish your story". "I have to take care of this first, but will be back later".
In fact an hour later on the porch swing, Ed was saying, "They are such good kids, and they know nothing". "One thing you learn around here that sometime people have there own agenda when it comes to their own kids". "Sounds like someone here has a little experience..." That was when Carol turned to him, "What is that suppose to mean?" "You want to argue or kiss", that is when she kissed him, and later "I never kissed a woman like that before in my entire life". "I could say almost the same thing, you know Ed I think we have fallen in love". "But we know nothing about each other, I don't even know your likes or dislikes". "We will learn them over time", Carol said before they kissed once again. It was later at dinner that Dennis remarked, "Ed, you don't know this but Carol is a teacher at our local school. By the way Ed claims he is a teacher as well". "You are?!", Carol wonders. "That explains so much, my field is only electronics". "He sure is right, no one cares about that stuff here", Susan said. "What my sister means is we only take students between the ages of 4 to 12". "I can see what she means", Ed adds. "That's why I been telling him he better stay a farm hand", Dennis said.
It was after dinner that Carol and Ed once again found themselves on the porch watching the setting sun. "I wish I could say I wish Dennis didn't pound in the point that your just a farm hand these days. A teacher of electronics now there is something". Ed just sighed, "It isn't that what shook me, frankly Carol I am making more of an impact as a farm hand than I did as a teacher". Carol couldn't believe that, "You couldn't of been that bad...were you?!". Ed just sighed, "I was on academic probation when all of this happened. I don't know what it is with me, my teachers said I was a brilliant student and with electronics I am a wizard. But when it came to passing that knowledge along to my students. I swear they got more out of one of those sci fi comic books than they did from any of my lectures". "You are just being hard on yourself". "No I am not, I should of told you one of my own students laid that line on me. After failing a test". "Maybe it was just one student that didn't quite get it". Ed just looked in to her deep blue eyes, "They all failed", "Ouch!!!" "Face I haven't the gift of teaching".
That was when Carol just smiled at him, and he wondered, "What are you smiling at me like that". "You forgot something important, what you been teaching those wolf kids". "But that just was...", "Teaching".
It was early the next morning just as the sun broke the horizon, Ed found himself on the field looking at what would be his future. When suddenly he spotted this male bear heading his way. For a moment he thought it was Dennis, before he noticed this one was wearing a dark suit and carrying something. But as he watched some more this figure wasn't heading towards the house it was heading in his direction.
So he waited finally that bear introduced himself as "Pastor Robert, glad to finally meet you Ed". "Pastor the only one who needs you is Dennis, he said he can't wait to winter to get married". "We will see him later after we talk". Suddenly Ed wondered what was this about, "Why talk to me I am in no need of you". "That was what you thought when you were still a human being, when you thought you were failing at life, and failing to be a good brother. I know more about you then you think I know Dr. Ed Delmar. God, and yes God brought you to this place. Your meeting new people, and experiencing new things, hey maybe I could get you to join my church we have services at 10 AM every Sunday at the local school. At least it will get you to meet more new people and maybe I could get you to join my Men's Real Talk group, they meet every other Friday at 6 PM. We talk about everything, while we share something to eat. Oh sure you could dwell on the past, wallowing in your own self pity. But look at yourself can you in all honesty tell me you feel as you did when your arrived here". "No, in fact I do feel better", Ed finally admitted. "Who knows what twists and turns life takes you, maybe someday you'll meet a woman and will be asking me to marry you two, maybe even you have someone in mind already". Ed just smiled as he thought about Carol.
But the Pastor had one last thing under his jacket and that was a children s book for early readers. "If you still think you still have doubts your still not a teacher. Take this book, there is a wolf child back in the fields by the cabbages who feels like his life is a waste. That life is nothing more than survival, after a lecture by his father. Why not take this book and show that young boy the written word". Ed didn't quite know what to do, should he or shouldn't he.
But then after thinking about, "No child should ever feel life isn't worth living", Ed said. "That same could be said about adults...now isn't that true". Ed then took the book, as Pastor Robert smiled as he patted him on the back. Ed had no idea what his future made hold, but the one thing he was certain about was the problems he had when his brother died were over. He had faced them in combat and won...a new life. To where this was going to take him. He hadn't a clue, but he knew it was going to be fun getting there.