FSE

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The road was dark and quiet, only the occasional flash of light made me lift my eyes up to see a car rushing past us. It wasn't that late, but this part of town wasn't that frequented after dark, it was still mostly rural and bordered against the Square and the worst part of town. No one wanted to be out at night, but Ivan didn't seem to mind and, truth to tell, neither did I. I crouched down in the passenger seat of the beat up old truck, my knees pushed up against the dashboard while the wolf navigated the turns that led them further from the light of the houses and their own homes. Somewhere back there my little brother was covering for me, helping to hide the fact that I had slipped out, it had taken some pressure to get Jonty to agree to it, but I had succeeded eventually. I needed to get out of the house, I needed away from my own mind and endless questions.

It had been nearly a week since my mother had talked to me, and in that week I had been left with a gaping feel of loss and confusion. I didn't know what I'd lost, but it was still there no matter how hard I tried to ignore it. I hadn't slept well at all, my dreams were strange and fevered as I tried to come up with the truth about myself. My mother wouldn't talk about it, any attempt I made at asking her what it meant and who I was would be dismissed. Her firm assertion that I was her son was the end of the matter, that was it, the only thing that had changed was she no longer emptied my pills into a little case to hide the name of them from me. I was the one left with my mind too full of thoughts to ever be quiet, I was the one that had to deal with the knowledge that I had no idea what or who I was. I didn't dare call CJ, I had no idea how to even start to explain my problems to him, to anyone.

That's what had gotten me out of the house, Ivan's text that there was a party at Paradise Cove and I should go was enough to get me out of bed. I didn't like to party, not typically, but I just wanted to forget everything and this was the best place to do it. Paradise Cove was a part of an old strip mining area just inside the city walls, the remnants of a pond were tucked away in the valley which made it an ideal spot to have a party. No one ever went there, except the rest of my class mates, and we could even have bonfires as long as we didn't build them too high. At the moment, a distraction was what I needed most of all and as we turned along the dirt roads that led down the scarred landscape of the old strip mined field. The moonlight revealed the mounds of dirt and patches of barren land.

It was hot in my turtleneck, I felt like I was being roasted in the heat of the night, but I didn't dare to wear something cooler. My neck was still aching from where my father's paw had wrapped around it, his claws had scored four long lines right beneath my fur. I hadn't done anything, I'd just come home from school and had been on my way to the room when he'd caught me. He'd been hung over, his eyes webbed with red lines and broken veins and had begun to have a go at me. I couldn't even recall what I'd said to make him so angry, but I remember his fist, I remember the feel of it crashing into my chest and sending me back against the couch before he'd grabbed me by the throat again. His snarling face, his breath reeking of alcohol, the foul names made my shoulders hunch up slightly as I recalled the taste of blood in my mouth from where I'd bitten my tongue.

My fur hid most of the damage, but after what CJ had said, I had pulled on a winter top to do my best to keep my injuries hidden. I didn't want them to know what happened at home, I didn't want anyone to see the damage that he caused. I wasn't protecting him, if I had thought that anyone would take him away I would have done something, if I thought the monster could be locked up, I would have rejoiced. It wouldn't change, though. There was a strong movement to keep parents together and the more brutal treatment was overlooked for the common good. They would only see my battered body and the very idea embarrassed me. I'd felt ashamed when CJ seemed to know, I didn't want anyone to know, I never wanted them to know what I suffered out of sight. I never wanted them to know what anyone did to me. Keep it a secret, keep it hidden, that was the law I lived by, my mother lived by, my brother. I had forgotten just how easily cuts could show on pale fur.

"You in there, Shall?" Ivan glanced over at me while he turned onto the bumpy road that was barely more than a pair of tracks in the grass.

"Yeah, sorry," I moved my hand up to rub my muzzle, stifling the urge to yawn. I couldn't remember the last time I slept more than an hour or two. "So what party is this anyway? It's not the football team, right?"

"Nah, Chaucer is throwing it." The white wolf tilted his head to the side, grinning at me with a lolling of a dark red tongue. "You know the horses throw the wildest parties."

"If he can get the beer past his father." I wrinkled my lips up slightly. Chaucer was the heir to a brewery, rich, privileged, but strangely nice enough for his wealth. He was just a bit slow and dumb for his age, rarely able to pass a test without help. "I don't think I want to drink tonight."

"Why not?" Ivan turned in the direction of distant lights. "It's free beer and most of the team will be out here. Might as well enjoy it while we got it."

Ivan stopped the old truck with a rattling groan, the engine sputtering as if it were giving one last gasp of life before shutting off. The wolf leaned forward to pat the dashboard affectionately, showing pride in the dying machine before pushing open the door. The truck looked wonderful, it was a bright red in the daylight and he kept it well polished, the downside was the fact that the engine was slowly dying. He had never made a complaint on the thing, and I could understand why. He had bought it himself, his own vehicle, no one else's. No matter how much it groaned and complained, the truck was still leaps and bounds better than my lack of one. I stifled a smile as I stepped out of the truck as well, breathing in the murky scents of standing water and night air as I considered the wolf's question.

I didn't like to drink, I never had, though I had tried it often enough. Drinking made me think of my father and everything I hated. I knew that some people drank quite easily, only taking some now and then, not addicted to it like my old man, but I didn't want to be like him. It was bad enough that Jonty drank at his age, it made me want to slap him. My mother tried to make him stop the few times he was caught, but our father was always there with a grin of encouragement, often laughing and encouraging him to man up and drink something better than the watered down swill they had at parties. I wasn't going to go down the same road as my father, I wasn't going to become an abusive aging bastard. So no, I wouldn't be drinking at the party. I'd prefer just having company and the sound of other voices to drown out my thoughts tonight.

"Seriously, I just hate the fucking taste." I shoved my hands in my pocket as we went down towards the narrow path that led to the pond. "It's nasty."

"Eh, I don't mind it. Just don't go drinking those girly drinks." Ivan jostled me playfully, his thick white tail wagging back and forth. "I heard that Maran will be here tonight, in case you missed my text."

"Yeah I got it." My ears tipped back nervously. Maran was a lioness that had set her sights on me recently, I was running out of excuses to avoid her. "I really just want to hang with the guys and not end up in any of the girl drama."

I'd managed to avoid that drama most of my high school career. I'd asked a few girls on dances, but they'd been the shier set, the ones that wouldn't try and push things with me or expect me to ravage them. That alone seemed to keep my reputation together, well that and the fact I always had the excuse that my father ran a tight ship. I could always lean back on that. They had already gotten a dingo on the team ringed round in rumors that he wasn't seeing any girls and never had. No matter what the school did to promote a healthy environment, even for teens that were gay, there were still bullies and ugly whispers. So it was in my own best interest to cater a few females, Maran was one that flirted with me and I'd even flirt back in public, but that was all I would do. I had no intention of going further and she was pressing the issue more and more.

"Not me." Ivan tilted his head towards me as I heard the sound of laughter and music, the fire light was reflected against the rocks and dirt that made up the little valley. "Yanno that girl that transferred in from Ringsdale?"

"Are you serious?" I grinned slightly as the wolf gave me a playful jostling to one side that had me trip up slightly, catching myself with a laugh. "A coyote?"

"What? She's cute! And that tail...." He let out an overblown growl of pleasure and I gave my head a shake.

"You're going to be lucky if your Dad doesn't find out." I gave my head a shake. "Just use a fucking condom, alright?"

"Yeah, yeah." Ivan lolled his tongue out with a wink of one eye. "Listen, it's not like I'm going to be stupid. I just think she'd be fun for a night is all. If I want to fuck someone properly I'll hook up with a raccoon or one of the other girls."

"If it wiggles, you'd probably stick it in." I snorted and gave my head a shake.

"Well, it has to be warm too, don't forget that. A wolf has to have his standards you know." He lifted his head up proudly.

I rolled my eyes, but it was hard not to grin at the way that he was already running his fingers through his fur so that it was fluffed up and thicker looking. It was hard given the fact that it was summer and it was thinned down, but he would want to look his best. Most guys our age went after other species' to have fun with, you didn't have to wear a condom then, no risk of knocking her up and getting in trouble. Mixed species relations weren't really frowned upon until you were older and actually settling down, or at least my old man had told me that was the case. He was always snarling at me to find a good bitch to shack up with for a few years, his eyes making it an accusation and a dare both. I had never really seen the appeal in other species' personally, then again, my entire view on what I was attracted to was so bent I didn't even know how to factor species into it. If I couldn't even decide on gender, how could I possibly fixate on a species?

_Don't go down that path. _ I rebuked myself and gave my head a shake as I came into the brightened area of the main bonfire and forced my shoulders to relax.

Ivan fell into the fray with all the natural eagerness of any wolf who is surrounded by friends, his tail up and hackles up, but a smile on his face as he was greeted with a few shouts. My own name was called out, bringing a smile to my face as I recognized half of the track team gathered around keg. Chaucer was there, his towering body unmistakable as he helped hand out cups of beer. He was handsome in his own way, his mane braided down the line of his neck and his forelock hung in his face. He was strange in that he had a splash of white all over his face, covering his eyes and giving him remarkably blue eyes. Most horses were simple brown with black point colors, different markings were rare. Well, the girls thought it was remarkable, I always thought it made him look like he was blind. Just like the goats, they had strange slit pupils. But I recognized the other folks as well, another lion, a short ferret and two cheetahs that had made the team with me freshman year.

"Here, have one.." Ivan passed him a cup that made him frown, but he took it without comment, he could pour it out later.

"So what's the cause for the party?" I grinned over at the rest of the team, curling my tail back and forth lightly. "You get another car, Chaucer?"

"Heh, fuck no. My Dad won't let me after the last one." The colt leaned back and took a large drink. "Actually, my kid brother got on the baseball team, so decided to throw him a party. Where's your brother? He was supposed to show up."

"Only one of us can ever get out." I grimaced a bit. "I haven't been out in ages either which way, decided it was time to get out."

I relaxed, for the first time in days I relaxed as we began to talk, it wasn't about my life, my birth, my future, it was just about the team and school. The normal griping and growling that was a part of growing up, it was a relief to just be myself, to not worry about what anyone was thinking or why. I had had enough arguments in my head about myself, it was a change of pace, a welcome one, to just argue about the state of the team. It had been going through rough patches over the last half of the year, one of our stars had torn a ligament and that left us short handed. I was fast, but not as fast as Luke had been. The party was mostly divided into factions, the baseball team being the largest one with quite a few of my little brother's friends scattered around. I felt a small pang of guilt that I had muscled him out of his evening, but I could make it up to him.

Ollie was dominating the conversation cheerfully, the dingo wasn't one of the stars of our class, but he had a certain air of charisma that drew people to him. I liked him, he was always cheerful and rarely in a bad mood, despite the fact he was only a second generation in our city. It didn't bother him at all, his cheerful accented voice often brought the room to laughter. There was also the fact that he was one of the few in our class that had dyed his fur, or rather bleached it out in a pattern along his head and ears, and even down along his tail. The pale blonde fur was striking on him when compared to the darker points, it gave him an exotic look that made it easy to forget he was a dingo. The fact that he seemed to have no interest in girls had been a subject of interest last year, but it had petered out. It certainly hadn't stopped him from making the team.

I liked Ollie, he was one of the few people here, besides Ivan, that I'd consider a friend. He always went out of his way to practice with me after games, he was always ready to include me. Sometimes I felt on the outskirts at school, but his cheerful visage helped make me feel a part of it. Sometimes it made me wonder just what sort of person I was that Ivan and Ollie got along better with me than the other felines on the team. Perhaps it was just because I grew up with Ivan that I felt more comfortable with other canine species'. I was positive my father would have had something to say about that, and I shuddered to even consider how that conversation would go.

"Shall, you gotta admit, they need to start dividing the teams. You can't have the preds running up against antelope." Ollie dragged me into the conversation with a bright grin. "Did you see that guy last meet? I didn't have a chance!"

"Yeah, they tried that, remember? Then they wanted the cheetahs taken out and on their own team, and then they wanted the horses and deer divided. It got complicated." I replied with a shake of my head. "They try to pair us up like to like if they can, but that's the best they can do. It's not like dingoes are common around here."

"Huh, what about a wolf? Or a coyote?" Ollie spoke up stubbornly, but his long thick tail was flicking lazily back and forth with enjoyment on one of his favorite gripes. I just rolled my eyes and let the rest argue it to their hearts content.

_You'd think trying to end segregation would work better than it has. It's been decades. _ I thought and lidded my eyes, just listening to them as the talk grew louder the more the beer was passed around.

Ivan ended up wandering away from me early on in the party, his nose already twitching after a coyote that he had had his eyes on. I had to grin to see him sneaking off, his tail hanging low and wagging ingratiatingly. He was probably sure he'd get somewhere tonight, though he wouldn't go all the way, he'd probably just tease her muzzle. The thought made me flush a bit, and I stemmed off an idea before it even began to blossom. I stifled it with a grin towards those that remained in the group and stood up, stretching myself out with a shake to try and cast away the thoughts forcefully. I smiled at my team mates and stepped around them, looking towards the rest of the pond and rippling of moonlight. The party was like every other party that went on here, spread out to the edges with groups put together sparingly and couples lingering around the edges or going towards cover.

"I need to stretch my legs, I'll be back." I grinned down at the group as they continued to chat playfully with one another about their chances for next year. Next year wasn't going to involve me, I'd be out of school and away from here by then.

No one was even really paying attention to me as I padded away and avoided the bonfires that were the most inhabited, after all those were the ones that held the kegs. Everyone had thought this place was desolate and lonely, there was no new growth here, nothing that would grow here without a lot of help. The pond was a dead pond, nothing lived in there but algae and a few frogs, it was really just a hole in the ground, no fish, no crops of plants scattered the edges. I still liked it, it was like walking into a place of endless potential, there was nothing defined here, nothing that shouted it was going to be a forest or a pasture or a housing complex. It was just waiting for something to create what it was supposed to be. That's what made it so comfortable to simply wander around, the fire's fading away as I took the slow turn around the pond.

I didn't mean to wander towards one of the private areas, mostly I just wanted to enjoy the quiet and peace for a while and get away from the drinking, but my paws found me wandering along a line of raised dirt that had been pushed up by some long gone tractor. It wasn't until I saw movement that I realized I had gone too far from the party and wandered to places the firelight never reached. Not that that mattered to me, millions of years had trained lions to see in the dark and the movement was made all the more pronounced by the pale coat of one of the couple in the darkness. Ivan was unmistakable, his snowy white coat was like a beacon in the dark while his partner was smaller and darker. She was just pressed on the ground while her narrow small muzzle was lifted up and her tongue was curling sensuously around the dark stiff spire that jutted up in the moonlight.

Heat rushed to my face and I tried to make my legs move, but they stayed firmly in place as I watched her work her tongue around in circles while he moved a paw to grip her head. He was leaning back against the mounded dirt, rocking his hips upwards as he didn't seem to care about damn near anything. My eyes weren't on the girl, they were on the thick shaft throbbing and glistening in the light, the way that it was rubbing along the line of his belly only to be pulled away by one of her paws. The pale white furred orbs were cupped in her other paw, her fingers rolling them. He was shameless, forceful, he gripped her head firmly and pulled her down so that her long muzzle was spread out and he could grind right along the length of her tongue. Those fingers worked along the back of her neck, kneading gently as he pushed her down all the way to the base before letting her lift up again. I felt my loose pants tighten subtly, that alone should have been the queue for me to bolt.

I was locked in place, I wanted to walk away, I tried to move, but I'd never seen someone in real life behave this way. It had always been a video or something, but now I was gaping at my best friend. The moonlight was ample enough to pick out the details, but not everything I wanted. I wanted to know what color his shaft was, I wanted to see the way that she handled him and the way his hands guided her and coaxed her muzzle back down again. She wasn't protesting, she was wagging her tail, the thick brush of it curled up enough that I could almost see the tender mound between her legs. Was she like a lioness? Were they built the same way? I'd never really looked at any videos with canines in it, but now I was fumbling with incomplete knowledge of what her body must be like and what it must be feeling at the competent hands of my best friend.

He's your best friend! _ The thought screamed through me and I tore my eyes away and managed to look back towards the group, but it wasn't the firelight in the distance that greeted me. I stared directly into Ollie's eyes as he remained motionless, a slight smile on his face. _How long has he been there?!

_ _

Shame, overwhelming shame hit me and I turned away, not running, I couldn't run, but I walked stiffly past the sight of my best friend and his newest toy. I couldn't believe he'd seen me watching Ivan like that! The heat rushed to my ears, it burned my cheeks and made my heart pound as I heard footsteps behind me and tried to speed up the pace as fast as I could. I didn't feel like being teased, I didn't want to be exposed, let the dingo go back to the damn group and have another cup of beer. Let him leave me alone!

"Hey! HEY! Shallan! Stop!" Ollie caught up with me, putting on a burst of speed that I wasn't about to match. If I ran it would be more embarrassing. "Geez, just stop, I'm not going to make fun of you or tell. Everyone sneaks a peak sometime!"

"Just lemme alone." I muttered, my ears pinned back against my head as I finally came to a stop near one of the little benches we'd managed to drag out here for our parties. "I was just shocked that's it."

"I don't care," Ollie answered, and stopped in front of me with a bit of a smile. "Listen, you don't have to get so worked up."

"I'm not worked up!" I snarled at him, bristling at the way he smiled. It was a secret smile, the sort that hinted that he knew things that I didn't.

Why had he even been following me anyway? I wanted to snap back with that question, but I didn't want to provoke him. I liked Ollie, he was a good friend, but I didn't know him as well as I knew Ivan. For all I knew, he would snap back and go tell the wolf that I had been staring at them. My stomach turned, I felt like I was going to be sick.

"Shall.." The smile faded a little bit and his brows furrowed. "What's wrong? Hell, Ivan would probably just thumbs up at you for seeing him in the middle of a conquest.." The last word was spoken with a bit of disdain.

Ollie had never been one to play games like Ivan did. The wolf was confident with females and made no bones about leaping bed to bed, but I'd never known the dingo to have a preference one way or the other. He certainly didn't try to attract people, he seemed content with Ivan and I as friends and the team that had his back. It surprised me to hear that disdain, though, normally he liked Ivan quite a bit, but now he looked nervous, his tail flicking this way and that behind him as he tried to bring the smile back to what it had been. Confident, teasing, open.

"Don't tell Ivan!" The words rushed out, the heat growing heavier on my cheeks. It was important that he not tell Ivan, he could never tell Ivan! God, what would he think if he knew I'd seen him and just watched?

Ollie stopped and froze a bit, his humor left his eyes as he watched me and opened his mouth and then closed it again. His large ears twitched back a little and I stepped back away from him, but that was my mistake. The moment I stepped back my legs hit the bench and I dropped down like I meant to do it. I stared up at him, trying to act nonchalant about it while he licked his lips slowly and tilted his head to one time. That long thick tail was still behind him, giving not a single hint as to what his mood was or what was going through his mind.

"Do you love Ivan?" He spoke quietly, barely a whisper that made my ears pin down flat. Did I love Ivan? Not like that. No, I didn't want Ivan, he was my best friend he had always been my best friend and probably always would, but that wasn't what I wanted.

"No." I answered, a bit too fast and tried to temper it. If I said I wasn't gay, would he believe me or would that just be a denial that was an admission that I felt something. "He's like my brother, it'd be like incest. I'd just never came up on people, that's all."

Ollie twitched his ears a little and the smile reappeared on his lips. "You don't want him like that then?" A little hopeful lilt that brought my head up and my brows furrowed.

"No, definitely not!" I flicked my tail against the ground and glanced back towards the bonfires. "I just wandered out of the way, it was a mistake. Let's just get back to the team and not talk about this."

"I think you wandered just the way you should have." Ollie spoke softly and stepped forward, his legs brushed my own and I startled back slightly. "That's why I followed you." The last word was breathed out, almost like a whisper.

In a movement that was entirely graceful, almost feline like, as he dropped down onto my knee and I felt the warmth of his tail draping down along my leg. I froze, I didn't know what to do with the feel of him pressing close to me and a shy smile on his features. It wasn't the cocky grin that I was used to, it was hesitant and somewhat vulnerable as he draped his legs down neatly along my outer leg, leaning back so the curve of his rump was just barely hanging off my upper thigh and he moved his hands up towards my shoulders. They were shaking, just a hair, and his fingers moved to leave a teasing brush that ran along the back of my neck and made me open my mouth to say something, anything. I didn't know what was going on, but his body against my own made the heat rush back to my cheeks for another reason entirely. I never got to say a word.

Ollie leaned in and his lips pressed against my own, his arms loosely crossing behind my back as I felt the brush of his tongue running right along my bottom lip as he drew in close. Our whiskers caressed each other, a stimulating sensation that made them quiver while he closed his eyes and pressed in close, and all I felt was a wave of panic. My paws swung to either side, I had no idea what to do with them, I had no idea how to respond. For a terrifying second all I could think was to fling him away from me and run back to the car and wait for Ivan. I'd never kissed anyone that wasn't my mother, and never like this, never with a press of a warm body against my own and the faint scent of dingo and male filling my senses. And then his tongue curled up and his whiskers flicked forward ever so gently, a tickling that made me shiver and I took in a breath and parted my lips. It just happened, his warm tongue flicked out to flutter along my textured one and I moved my hands to wrap around him.

For a single moment I gave into the feel of lips against my own, the curling his tongue as I flicked my own out awkwardly. He didn't mind, he tightened his hold on me and tilted his head inviting me to kiss him more deeply. His hips shifted and I could feel the curve of his hip against my loins, the way the movement brushed against my pants and his tail brushed along the curve of my calf. I moved my paws around him and squeezed gently, letting him guide me through the kiss, the gentle flutter of his tongue tip on the roof of his mouth, the run of his fingers that played against the base of my mane, the way they tugged lightly. For just an instant, it felt so terribly right, the flat chest against me, the press of warm, the slight swell against my forearm where it rested against his waist. Oh yes, this was what I wanted to feel, and then it shattered apart as he let out a little whimper and moved his hands and shifted his hips back, the curve of his ass trying to nestle against my loins. The shift of his tail ran along my lower belly in a sensuous caress as he tilted his head back, not willing to break the kiss.

_NO! _ That one movement was wrong, so terribly wrong feeling that I couldn't stop myself from tensing up and the moment of pleasure was lost.

_ _

I pulled back with a gasp, my breath shaking as I stared wild eyed at the dingo in my lap, his long red tongue moved out to lick his lips as if he were savoring the taste of me there and a smile pulled at the corners of his mouth. His eyes were lidded, inviting me to kiss him again, to do more than simply kiss him. He wanted to much, this was wrong, I didn't want him that way. His paw moved down and suddenly cupped right at my loins. He caressed to either side of my sheath as he flicked his ears back and looked down the line of my body as if he were imagining the best way to pull my shirt off. And I broke, I surged up with an undignified yelp and he tumbled from my lap. I didn't want him to touch me there, I was wrong there, it was all wrong. He hit the ground with a playful yip and bounced up to his paws as my breathing came in short shallow pants, my jaws parted and my tongue tip just poked out as I tried to get a decent lungful of air.

"I think I took that too fast." He tilted his head and looked embarrassed. His ears were held back, but there was an eagerness there that he was holding back. "Perhaps we should just stay with kissing?"

NO... no no no... I gave my head a wild shake. I couldn't breathe, I couldn't think, my heart was in the back of my throat.

"N-no.." I trembled the word out and his brows furrowed slightly, looking confused. "Igottagobacktothecar!"

The words erupted out, too fast, but it didn't matter I bolted into the dark with the dingo calling my name behind me. The taste of him still on my tongue as I bolted past Ivan and the moans of his newest bitch, past the team and drunken schoolmates. I ran into the dark and didn't care how the hell it looked, all I knew was the panic was swallowing me down whole and I couldn't even suck down a breath. I didn't want a male like that, never like that, I didn't want them to touch me that way. I came against Ivan's truck door and tried to yank it open, hopelessly yanking at the locked door before coming to a stop, my breathing rasping out unsteadily as I leaned against the warm metal. The panic surged over me, every breath came with Ollie's scent, the memory of his lips, his paw. I pinned my ears back and sank down in a crouch with my back against the truck, the shudders rattling through me as I tried to stop the panic attack. The only consolation was Ollie didn't come after me, and I heard no laughter down the hill.

_Please... just don't tell. Please.. Keep it secret... keep it safe. _ I squeezed my eyes shut, hoping for a miracle as I trembled in the darkness.