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OH MY GOD I didn't actually die. But by the time Chris and Jayce were dropped off I probably had close to three heart attacks, not to mention I think I wet myself a little...

When we finally got to the cul-de-sac where I lived, Scott was driving at like, freaking forty miles per hour, and when we reached my driveway he delightfully decided to slam the fuckcicles out of the breaks, causing me to jerk forward and my seatbelt to nearly strangle me, for one last little fuck you to finish off Scott's hellish chariot ride of...death... or something... What I'm saying here is that it was a terrifying car ride.

"Thanks for the ride Scott," I said weakly as I got up from my seat, my voice full of horror and trauma and all the sort of thing.

Scott apparently didn't notice the atmosphere of despair that was permeating around me, because I swear to god he was denser than me half the time. "No problem dude! Now just hurry the fuck up and get out! Katie's gonna murder me if I'm late for our date, or worse, hold out on me," the polar bear said, shivering and sticking his tongue out in a disgusted manner as he uttered the last few words. "So yeah, I'm kinda in a hurry here."

Believe me Scott, I noticed...

Wait, I don't think that was convincing enough.

BELIEVE ME SCOTT, I FUCKING NOTICED!!!!!!

There we go! Swearing and adding exclamation points always make something more convincing! The more you knooooow~

"Roger Wilco..." I mumbled unenthusiastically as I opened the car door to exit. But before I completely got out, I heard Scott shift around a little in his seat. "Oh, almost forgot," he said right before I felt a firm slap against my butt.

I immediately felt my cheeks heating up as I shot Scott a nasty look; guess that was the last little fuck you for the day. "Dammit Scott, will you stop it with the ass-slaps already?!" I blurted out, eyes filled with malice and maaaaybe just a bit of sexual-frustration. Normally I would just pretend that it didn't bother me, but after the near death experience, I felt a bit more fed up than usual today, and his teasing was the last thing I wanted to have to deal with.

Of course Scott just ended up laughing at my reaction. "I can't help it Robby! Your ass is so big that it has its own gravitational pull! My paw is naturally drawn towards it!" he chortled with that big stupid grin of his. And then as if there were some sort of magnetic force acting upon his paw, Scott started inching his paw toward my ass, only for him to grab it with his other paw and started acting as if he were struggling to keep it back. "Woah shit, I think it's happening again now! Bad Slappy, stay back! Rob's ass is definitely not Kosher! You'll break your diet!"

"Why do I even bother..." I sighed as I half-heartedly closed the car door, sounding more defeated than that time I realized that Misha Kollins was straight.

Only then did Scott seem to remember that he was pressed for time, as evident by a sudden pop of realization in his eyes. "Oh shit that's right I'm in a hurry! Later Robby, great job at today's game!" the polar bear said as he cranked the gearstick into drive and raced out of my driveway so fast that I was afraid his tires would catch fire.

With a sigh, I started making my way to the front door, but then a sudden embarrassing thought entered my head, so I turned around and brought my paws up toward my muzzle to project. "And my ass isn't that big!" I yelled at the fleeting sports car, though considering how fast he was driving Scott probably didn't even hear me. That goddamn reckless tease, mumble grumble mutter...

Wait... My ass wasn't really that big... was it? I wasn't gaining weight was I? I mean the Triple-Grease-Grinder Burger I ate probably didn't help but, I feel about normal weight... Holy cow, when did I start caring about my body image so much?

I shook the concern from my head as I walked up the plain Hosta-bordered walkway to my two-story red-brick suburban home that did nothing to hint at the anything-but normal family members that occupied it. And speaking of my family... it was time to find out what sort of sinister scheme to embarrass me my mother was hatching...

So I punched in the key-code to the front door, entered the foyer and instinctively closed the door behind me, but then, as if I were in any horror movie ever made ever, I heard a dark menacing voice coming from behind my back.

"Rob."

"HOLY SHIT!" I yelped out in surprise, practically jumping out of my pants as I spun around, my body now jittering like crazy.

I found myself standing uncomfortably close to a teenage white-tigress with long raven-hair and way too much black eyeliner, staring at me with those soulless black eyes, sending a chill down my spine. I felt a huge sensation of relief wash over me as I realized that it was just my taciturn little sister Ann, and not a crazy axe murder about to gut me open. Well actually, having Ann behind your back is maybe only one step up from an axe murderer considering how fucking creepy she is. Now, you didn't hear this from me, but Ann has some really fucking weird hobbies, including but not limited to, writing dark angsty poetry, practicing bullshit black magic, and solving crossword puzzles (what a freak).

"Jesus Christ Ann, do you have to sneak up on me every time you start a conversation?!"

Ann's response was more cryptic and baffling than the lyrics of a Lady Gawgaw song. "I do not sneak; you simply do not perceive. Even a hawk is blind if it closes its eyes."

"Yeah, okay whatever 'Miss talks-in-riddles'; now did you want something or were you just here to send me into cardiac arrest?"

"That wasn't a riddle, but yes, there was something..." Ann muttered as a look of bitterness enveloped her eyes. "The spiritual energy of the house has been stirred by the inclusion of a foreign presence... and I demand to know why such a being has been invited in and allowed to weaken the local ley-lines."

Processing...

...

*sputtering noises*

...

*sound of rusty gears grinding*

...

*coughing noise*

Compiled Answer: DUHHH I DUNNO, SHE USED LOTSA BIG WORDS!

I rolled my eyes, frustrated all the needless jargon in her sentence. "English, please. I hear it's a very popular language."

Ann sighed, her annoyance thick in her voice when she translated her crazy girl gotho-speak to me. "What's your friend doing over here?"

My head jerked backwards as my ears flicked up in confused alarm. "Friend? But Scott just dropped me off..."

The rusty gears in my head started grinding as I heard a sudden laugh coming from kitchen past the bend. It was a very familiar-sounding deep bass voice, causing me to immediately tense up and my tail to curl up in alarm.

Oh no...

I dashed toward the kitchen, and when I saw the crime scene it was just as I suspected: there was a big fat hermaphrodite with a flock of seagulls haircut and only one nostril eating all the food in my refrigerator. Okay not really, but the situation was just as bad; a familiar super-buff hoodie-wearing Rottweiler was sitting at the dining table opposite of Mom laughing about something or the other.

And then... I started to freak out. "Daren?! What the hell are you doing here?!" I interjected as I pointed at the big Rottweiler like I was accusing him of being a witch in colonial America, my finger shaking like crazy.

Before Daren could react, Mom immediately turned around in her seat to correct my poor manners. "Robert! Watch your fucking language!" the middle-aged panther exclaimed with a fierce snarl. She then held the stern look for a few fleeting moments before she started cracking up. "I JUST SAID 'FUCK'! RIGHT WHEN I WAS TELLING HIM TO WATCH HIS LANGUAGE! THAT'S HILARIOUS! HAHA! Oh woah- ship overboard!" Goddammit... Mom was laughing so hard that she toppled backwards and fell off her seat, but despite the fall, she continued her laughing fit from the floor, undaunted. I facepalmed myself.

Seemingly ambivalent to Mom's batshit crazy laughing (saying batshit as an insult isn't racist against bats is it? Oh god, I thought I could go at least one chapter without questioning my political correctness...), Daren casually raised a paw and gave me a peace sign, the other casually hanging behind the back of the chair. "Sup homie."

In frustration I gritted and flashed my fangs. "'Sup homie' doesn't answer my question!"

Daren snorted, clearly not intimated. "Chill out dude. I just axed your parents if I could come over here and chill for a while," the Rottie said right before putting on a big, fat grin. "Oh, and since you was so worried about the whole 'transportation sitch' of me comin' over, I just took the school bus here, and axed your parents if they was willin' to drive me back, which they are, so you ain't got nothin' to worry 'bout."

What the hell... he actually used a school bus to get here?! School busses have a higher mortality rate than WW1 era trench combat! That son of a bitch! ...Oh, saying 'son of a bitch' to Daren isn't racist because he's a dog, is it? Wait, I don't have to defend my own internal thoughts, especially not twice in one chapter! He knew I was embarrassed to have him over so he exploited my obliviousness and came over anyway! That crafty yet incredibly sexy bastard! I don't know whether I want to strangle him or to suck him off (I'm one of those types that gets horny when they're mad)!

"Why didn't you tell me you were coming over?!" I said with a cartoonishly deep frown, my paws turned upward and gripping at air in a gesture of pure vexation.

Daren stuck out the tip of his tongue playfully. "Oops, guess I forgot," he said casually with a swish of his wrist.

*cough cough* BULLSHIT!! *cough cough*

I was going to call Daren out on that, but I missed my chance when Mom spoke up and completely derailed my train of thought. "Rob, can you help me get up, I kinda need some help here..."

I naturally thought it was a strange request, but when I looked down at Mom when I was helping her get up, a sudden feeling of horror and embarrassment spread through my body. "Oh my god, Mom, are you drunk?!"

She giggled as I helped her up off the floor, and then pretended to dust off her blouse once she got up. "I'm not that drunk..." she said with a faint slur to her speech. And then, a sudden devious glint appeared in her eyes. "But anyway, Rob! You never told me your boyfriend was suuuuch a hottie! I wouldn't mind letting him run his tank into my Tiananmen Square, if you know what I mean," she said with a few surprisingly forceful elbow nudges and a suggestive grin.

I was so freaked out by her use of the word 'boyfriend' that I didn't even put a second thought to her wildly inappropriate sex analogy. "W-we're not boyfriends!" I declared incredulously, reflexively taking a step backwards.

Oh shit, I hope that didn't come across as rude to Daren... I turned to face the Rottweiler and held my paws up in an allaying manner. "But I didn't mean that it's not still a possibility... later down the road. I mean, if that's okay..."

Daren smirked at my awkward reaction, but Mom's response was a bit more extreme. "Oh, so if he's not your boyfriend then you wouldn't mind if I went and did this?"

Unsure of what 'this' was, I watched in dreadful anticipation as Mom staggered over and climbed on top of the dining table. Then, on her knees she leaned forward and she... she started making out with Daren.

WHAT THE FUCK!??!?!?! WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK IS SHE DOING?!!??!?!? AHHHHHHHHHH EYE BLEACH!!!! I NEED EYE BLEACH!!!!!! SOMEBODY FOR THE LOVE OF GOD GIVE ME SOME GODDAMN EYE BLEACH!! OH MY GOD THAT'S THE MOST DISGUSTING THING I'VE EVEN SEEN IN MY LIFE!!!!

And then, as if being exposed to SUCH HORRORS wasn't bad enough, I began to notice the taste of grease climbing up the back of my throat.

And that's when I began to feel the fuck. My life had just turned into a large pile of fuck. No, even more so than that; my life had turned into the apotheosis of fuck. I was experiencing the purest essence of the sensation known as 'fuck' as physically possibly at that moment.

I puked.

BLEAAARRRRGHHHH

Unable to hold back the vile churning sensation in my gut, I feel to my knees and emptied the contents of my stomach to the side, coughing and spitting on occasion just to get the rancid taste out of my mouth. But my mind was so addled by the disgusting sight that it took me a few seconds to realize that I puked RIGHT ON ANN'S SHOES OH MY GLOB!! WHAT THE FUCK WAS SHE STANDING THERE THIS WHOLE TIME??!?! HOW DID I NOT NOTICE HER!??!?!?!

When my eyes gazed upwards and met Ann's, hers was expression of pure hate, undoubtedly calculating all the different ways to have me killed. "Those were my favorite pair of black lace-up boots..." she hissed, a cruel icy hatred permeating her voice. Her attention then directed itself to Mom, who was still... Oh god, BBLEEEAARRRCCHH!"Excuse me while I go stab an effigy of Rob in the dick a couple of times," Ann finished, successfully avoiding my hurling this time around.

Mom finally broke her kiss with Daren to respond. "Alright sweetie, just remember that we're having dinner in about twenty minutes!"

As for Daren, when Mom finally stopped sucking his face off, he just looked like he wasn't sure what just happened. "Well now..." he said completely dumbfounded, eyes wide with uncertainty.

Coughing up the last bit of gross shit out of my mouth, I took a deep breath and mustered the strength to form an apology. "Wait, Ann, I didn't mean to, I'm sorry!" I said as I reached a paw out beseechingly in her direction, but it was too late, she was already making her way upstairs with every intent of cursing me with her make-believe voodoo powers.

And then, as if things couldn't get worse... AS IF I DIDN'T ALREADY HAVE ENOUGH TO WORRY ABOUT, my attention was averted by what sounded like an explosion coming from the patio outside, causing me to jump onto my feet in freight.

It took me a few seconds to process everything with my brain in Tahiti, but when I made sense of what just happened, another feeling of dread swelling up in my stomach. "Oh God, Is Dad cooking?! On the grill?!" I asked nobody in particular, paws gripping both sides of my head in panic.

"ELLIE, I NEED THE FIRE EXTINGUISHER! GODDAMN GRILL EXPLODED AGAIN!"

"Damn, that's the third time this year... COMING DEAR!" Mom shouted back as she drunkenly hopped off the table, awkwardly dashed to the nearby closet, took out the fire extinguisher and scrambled her way to the patio.

There were so many things to panic about I just froze up; by body and mind at a complete standstill. But when I looked at Daren, who now had a slowly growing smug smile on his muzzle, I began to feel very angry, so angry, in fact, that I could just... just... punch a pillow to constructively ventilate my anger! ARRGH!

I glared at Daren. "You. Me. Basement. Talk. Now," I demanded impatiently.

Daren smirked. "You sure you don't want to clean up your puke first? I mean, it's pretty nasty..."

"It can wait!" I snapped as I darted over to Daren's side and dragged his ass out of his seat and toward the basement, careful to avoid the pile of puke on the way there. When we finally got down to our dirty, not carpeted, messy-ass basement where we keep all our old packaged shit, I stared daggers at the Daren, waiting for him to explain himself. Sadly, he didn't seem to feel the need to explain himself. "Man Rob, your mom? Awesome kisser. She's tons better than you."

"HOW COULD YOU JUST SIT THERE AND LET HER DO THAT TO YOU?" I blurted out, arms flailing around like a constipated wiener dog, not caring about the overly-melodramatic nature of it all.

Daren gave me a weird look. "Rob, you're at like an eight-point-five on the freaking out meter, and I need you back down to at least a three..." the Rottie said, raising his paw up and then slowly lowering it to exemplify.

I shot Daren a nasty look, and poked him in the chest accusingly. "Admit it, you just came over because you knew I didn't want you to! You knew I'd be embarrassed if you came over!"

Daren gave me a light-hearted shrug as if things were still good and fine in the world, which they weren't. "Yeah, you caught me. And don't worry about me an' your mom; that was just a prank she convinced me to let her do... why are you pacing around like that?"

I wasn't processing anything Daren was saying at that moment, I was just walking around in tiny circles , freaking out like I just ran somebody over. "I can't believe this is happening... oh why me! Why life, why do you hate me so much?!"

"Rob, for real here, calm down." Daren said as he grabbed me by the shoulders, keeping me in place. He gave me a stern but comforting look. "Look, if I promise to go out with you, will you stop freakin' out?"

When I heard what Daren said the world seemed to slow down, and the panic slowly escaped my system. I looked up at Daren's beautiful eyes. "You really mean it?" I whispered softly, gazing into hazel gems eyes in a dream-like daze.

Daren chuckled lightly. "I mean, if it stops you from getting a heart attack... then yeah."

No way... he actually just agreed to go out with me. This was actually real... This just might make up for all the shit I just went through. Oh my god, no more friend zone! *squee* I'm about to be Daren's boyfriend! I have to say yes, this is my chance to- "OW MOTHER FUCKER THAT HURTS!" I yelled as I doubled over onto the dusty ground in pain, paws around my crotch that was hit by a sudden sharp pain out of nowhere.

"Rob, what are you-"

Before I could respond, I got hit by another sharp lance of pain in the dick, causing me to cringe harder than that one time I saw my parents making out. The stinging pain in my dick was so intense that I'd probably retch if I hadn't earlier. I fell on my side and started kicking my legs, causing my body to rotate in circles. "OH JESUS THAT STINGS! I BET THIS IS WHAT GIVING BIRTH FEELS LIKE!"

Daren Rolled his eyes and huffed. "Guess that's a no..."

Fuckfuckfuck What the fuck was causing this?!?!!? ...Oh my god. Ann did this to me; her dark goth girl powers are real! I need to make sure never to piss her off agai- OW HOLY FLAMING COW TURDS!!

After watching a few more seconds of me churning and groaning in agony, Daren seemed to have had enough of my shenanigans. "Well, if you're just going to pretend that you're getting stabbed in the dick by imaginary needles, I'm going to go back upstairs to chill with your folks for some more, see ya," the Rottie said as he turned around and half-stomped up the stairs.

I began to sob. Not just at the pain, but at the missed opportunity. I was this close to getting Daren to, but thanks to the painfully ironic timing of Ann's voodoo attack, who knows how much longer it's going for him to say yes, if he even still wants to after this!

"Wait Daren, don't go... I WAS GONNA SAY YES!!!"