A Bump in the Road. Chapter Eighteen.
A Bump in the Road
Chapter Eighteen
By Roofles
Everyone seems to have their own concept of death. Clouds and heavenly golden gates or firey brimstone and rivers of boiling blood. Some believe your reincarnated as something based on your karma. Or that a grim reaper will come to collect your soul and take you away. A grim reaper of many forms depending on the culture you hear about, usually to take you away to some vague underworld that you know is bad but not really sure how. I've even heard that you just sit in a waiting room with a number like in the DMV waiting to be called. And others? Others believe that once it ends it ends and there is nothing more.
I really hoped that wasn't the case.
I wouldn't say I "woke up." More like I just opened my eyes and here I was. One second in a building I could vaguely recalled and now here. Where ever here was.
Darkness, cold inky darkness was all around me as far as the eye cold see. And I found myself alone; naked, cold and alone. The worse combination. At least I wasn't shivering. Just numb like being out in the snow for too long about to get hypothermia. Or was that when you get a tingling warmth in your chest? Right before it hits? Ah, I could never remember. I failed my medical mid term.
"Hello?" I called cupping a hand around my mouth. My voice echoed back with a HELLO, Hello, hello. "Echo!" ECHO, Echo, echo. I always wanted to do that. But I frowned getting no other reply and a dead silence met my eyes making me shudder.
I wasn't sure how I could see myself but my body was the only thing with some kind of source of light. My body was glowing softly. Not sure if that's a good thing or not. Like radaition but a soft, yellowish white like a firefly.
For a man who just died I was holding my sanity rather well. I figured I'd be fighting, clawing to try to survive. On my knees weeping and begging for mercy. Or trying to run away from death itself. But now? Now I felt nothing. I was in this place. Seemingly trapped. And I held no resentment for it. This was just how it was. Meant to be. And there was nothing I could do about it. I don't even know if I wanted too...
I was trapped here. There was no source of time and even though I was counting I wasn't able to keep track. Minutes? Hours? Days? Years? Months? Seconds? Decades? Who knew... I was here for only god knows how long. Heh, god? I half figured, half hoped to be on a trail for all my sins and all my virtues when I died. Like I had been raised on. Being judged and finally sentenced, I'd most likely burn for everything I've done, heh. This? This was kind of a major let down. Shattering my already thin, flismy beliefs. The one thing that got to me in this dingy, gloomy place. Was the emptiness.
All I felt was an endless empty pit in my chest. A seeking feeling of loneliness. And with it I found myself beginning to panic.
"Marco!" MARCO, Marco, marco. "Varric?" VARRIC, Varric, varric. "Tezca...?"
The last one didn't even echo as I slumped to the ground huddled up on myself and waited for it all to end. Hell would've been a pleasant alternative to this. This isolation and emptiness. It was... maddening.
I'm not sure how long I sat there, curled up in the feedle position just hugging my legs, closing my eyes and feeling the emptiness around me slowly crawl closer. Like long fingers reaching out to grab me. That silence that allowed me to even hear my eye lashes rubbing against each other. It was driving me insane. And I wanted to scream, yelling to let me out of here. Just kill me and get it over with. But sorrow, anguish and despair kept me from even shivering as I held myself.
Naked, cold and alone in silence. The worst combination. No one, nothing could survive like this.
It really did feel like there was giant pit in my heart. I recalled being skewered like a fresh junk of chicken and touched at the spot, afraid to see what I'd find. It sunk in slightly, the edges of the wound healed but the skin surrounding it gave a small indentation like someone had scoop out the very top of my chest. And in this strange ditch was a patch of tawny yellow fur that thinned out to white at the bottom.
At my side were three similar spots with this warm, almost waxy musky fur. It left a oily residue when I touched it. That of an animal. Not some domesticated pup or kitten that had been inbred to get rid of it but a wild animal like a wolf, a fox (I shuddered at the thought) or...a jungle cat.
"Heh," I chuckled looking down over myself. I looked kind of like swiss cheese now that I noticed. Large pieces of my faintly glowing body were gone and in their place was this fur. Even two of my fingers on my left hand, and my left foot didn't belong originally to me. And...I could actually lift it up my left arm above my head, something I hadn't been able to do for years.
I found myself chuckling at this. An empty dry sound. Thank god for the little things I guess.
I really was fucked up, huh? Tezca wasn't kidding. So many missing holes of my own body, my spirit, essence, soul whatever you wanted to call it. Just...missing. Like a puzzle that someone forgot to finish. All the edges were there but some of the key features were gone. To think I had put on a brave face for so long when, in the end of things, I looked like this. I wondered then, if all humans were like this, in the end of things. Just puzzles with missing pieces trying to find the ones to fill it up.
Just fucked up individuals struggling to survive the cruel harsh realities of the world and escape in any means they could; finding comfort wherever they may and in the end try to fill in these missing holes of their very soul. I had seen it all in my line of work. Mistresses on the side, snorting drugs in the bathroom, gorging themselves on food, popping pills, drinking themselves to death, smoking a carton of cigarettes a week.
I gripped at the fur and could almost feel it move as much fingers held it tightly as if a wind was blowing through it. This place had no such thing as wind though. Underneath it was warm, I could feel the blood just under that thick hide. That waxy fur coated my hand with a earthy musk that smelt of the rain and it made tears burn in my eyes.
"Tezca...." It was all I could get out. I wanted to apologize to him but...damnit all, I was an idiot. A bumbling fool. It's true he was a monster from some other world separate and yet in my own at the same time. But fuck if he didn't do things....things no normal person would just up and do for a stranger. He watched over me, risked his life and even did everything he could to give me my freedom.
Just as I tried to do everything I could to give him his.
It was a mutual thing we had. A symbiotic relationship. Heh, like he was a parasite that had attached itself to me.
I smelt something then. Not like cooking food or even the musky scent of the fur. It was fresh, like a breeze blowing through a forest. Exotic scents met my nose. Flowers and grass, fruits and the very earth beneath me. My eyes opened and I almost laughed.
It was like before, when I had gone into the medallion. A screen had appeared before me. Choppy, in black and white like an old projector showing something from the 50s. The clip began to roll and with it I could almost feel myself moving through the jungle before me.
Large paws stepped on the earth, over the tangled undergrowth of the wilds. A head lifted up to look around, taking a breath of the world and its ears twitching knowing that it'd rain this night. I couldn't tell but I knew just how green the large over hanging ferns were, the ribbed bark on the trees felt and feel the very breeze running through my fur.
This wasn't my memory. It was Tezca's.
Something lurched beneath me and with a powerful stride on those short sturdy legs I felt myself moving, running through the jungle floor and thrilling in the freedom of it all. Pouncing up onto a bent tree, scaling it as my claws dug into the bark and worked all the way up the top in a hugging pulling motion up into the hidden folds of the foliage above.
I knew my fur blended me in, that no one below could see me. My eyes burned with a teal fire as a scratchy tongue licked over my fangs and lips. Before me in a small opening was a man. A human with a natural dark tan to his skin and deep brown short hair, dressed in some ceremonial outfit with feathers and golden brooches with Aztec designs on them. With only ankle, wrist bands of leather and a covered girdle the man looked around.
In his hand he held a wooden club, curved blades having been pounded into the sturdy wood. On his other was a small wooden shield reinforced and at his side was a bola used to capture prey. But he was unaware that he was the prey today.
Something ran through my mind. Thoughts that were not my own.
"Hunted." Tezca spoke his voice faded like the memory was. "They hunt and kill, strip us of our pelts and consume our hearts. What for? What purpose does this creature have? What power does he seek." And then there was a powerful, almost overwhelming curiosity and desire.
I'm not sure what happened next as I closed my eyes as the jungle cat pounced. I could feel blood on my hands, hear a man screaming and then just a sickening snap as my teeth broke his neck. "Simple and clean. Break the neck, no pain for it. No worry for me." Tezca voice held a vile enjoyment of what he had done. This kill was his and he was proud of it.
The body thudded to the ground as Tezca let the man go. His jaws opened and I forced myself away not wanting to feel what happened next as he bore into the man chest to eat his heart out.
Blood dripped from his muzzle that was coated in a crimson ooze, as thick as paint. There was a crunching sound and a loud swallow before he stopped. And I had to look. Morbid curiosity if nothing else.
Tezca's eyes had widened and there was something to them now. Not a feral desire and thrill of the hunt. There was almost something...human to them.
The jungle cat backed away and looked at the mess before him. "What have I done." His voice came far more clearer, not a snarl or a growl. "I killed the man. I took a life." He reached out with a hand wanting to shake him until he woke up but stopped. His very paw was covered in blood and it sickened him.
A realization of his actions dawned on him as if he ate the proverbial fruit. And with it gained something no creature, no animal ever had. A conscious. Able to know right from wrong.
He moved quickly, running in the opposite direction. Not with a grace or skill of a cat would have but a clumsy, befuddle run of a man who was trying to escape a crime he had committed if only on accident. Like a hit and run. And his legs tripped under him and he landed, hard on the ground. A pool of water was just before him and Tezca crawled over to it to look at his reflection.
What had once been a feral jaguar was something else all together. Like a man dressed in the jaguar's suit. His hands were large, his feet weren't animal but human. Digitigrade still even if it had large pink paw pads underneath and toes far larger than normal with hidden claws inside each one. His upper body was far larger now and his waist thin, strong sturdy legs supported it all. Powerful shoulder and a thick neck held his large head up, a teal fire now burning in his eyes.
And with it. He became the first Nagual; a shapeshifter. The first werejaguar.
Things began to speed up from here. Tezca found the tribe of the man, wishing to make amends for what he had done. Seen as a messenger of the gods, he was revered and worshiped. Held up high on a golden platter and given anything his heart could desire. And he was unable to even apologize for his action this tribe had become so enthralled by him, bowing down and kissing the very earth he walked on.
They gave him food and shelter, gold adornments of Aztec design. Colorful feather headdress and a girdle matching the one the man had before if larger to accommodate the jaguars much larger size.
And in turn he bestowed them with his jaguar blood imbuing them with it's power and spreading his gift to the most worthy of warriors. Warriors who had to pit themselves against each other, finish life risking trails and overcome the greatest of obstacles. And was rewarded with the greatest of gifts. With his might the tribe was able to able to prosper, their standings rising and in a gruesome war defeated their arch rivals taking their land once and for all for themselves.
Some strange tribe worshiping a snake god.
Tezca, the size of King Kong at this point, fought this emerald scaled serpent in a battle that lasted several days and nights. Tearing the very land asunder with earthquakes, shaking the sky with thunder storms and it truly was a fight you'd read about in Greek mythology or such. Two Titans fighting to the death.
This was beginning to feel like a history lesson. I've always hated history. Thankfully it skipped ahead. I didn't even know if he had killed the damn snake or not, and I didn't really care either.
Tezca, in this scene, was laying out on a high rock over looking the sea, over looking the jungle that was his land and in that moment I could feel the arrogance he held. The pride overflowing from him. Much like a fat cat must feel, on top of the world with everything given to him on silver platters.
Then in the distance he saw, I saw white sails on the horizon slowly drifting their way. The Spanish had come. And with it the end.
Seeking the "gold rocks" of the land their numbers were endless as the docked on the shores and poured out over the lands like ants. With thunder sticks they cut their way through anyone who got in their path, killing the "savages" of the land. Cutting down the jungle and ripping the earth apart to seek at the price inside. Finding villages to plunder and Aztec temples to desecrate.
The clip began to speed up, faster and faster and it was hard to get a sense for what was going on.
I can only assume what happened next. The men were killed, the children butchered, the elderly slaughtered and the woman raped. It was horrible. And more than once I had to look away.
A torrent of emotions swarmed inside Tezca. Fear against these strange creatures with their thunder sticks that smelt of metal and something he would later to be known as gunpowder (no wonder why he was so familiar with the scent before). Anger at what they had done to his land, his people. And then something else. Pain couldn't properly describe it but it was the only thing that came close.
His own people that had coveted his power, worshiped him and revered him as a god now turned on him. Chaining and bounding him trying to steal his power away on top of one of the stone temples. Large hooks and grooved spears had been stapped into his wrists and ankles, massive chains holding him down as robes were thrown over him to hold him tightly against the circle that had been drawn out. Candles were lit and all I could really see were large silver basin of blood. Human blood.
The tribes shaman performed some ritual and sealed Tezca inside the medallion of Aztec gold he had been given the first day he had arrived. His sacred treasure becoming his own prison. And as the image began to fade away into black there was the sound of a rifle firing. The shaman dropped the medallion as blood spurted from his chest, the golden coin bouncing down the top of the stone Aztec temple hundreds of steps to fall on the grass far below. In their desperation they had turned on their own god and wasn't even able to use it. It was almost ironic poetic justice.
And all I could see was the medallion now resting on the ground and everything went dark once more. I hugged my legs tighter as silence poured around me. And Tezca feeling faded away to leave that cold numbness once more.
"Man, that sucks." I grimaced unsure what to say or even do now as darkness pooled around me. My voice didn't echo though and as I was trying to figure out why a voice spoke behind me.
"It was unfortunate but to be expected."
I turned to see none other than Tezca, his head bowed, the jaguar resting on his hunches and not looking at me. I found myself getting up and heading towards him in disbelief.
Tezca looked open, open his muzzle about to speak but was silence as I collapsed against him, hugging that warm tawny yellow, musky furry body. And not even carrying that it had a natural oil to it. Giving him a strong, powerful squeeze and resting my head on his shoulder and against his face.
I wasn't sure why I had. Or when I had started crying. It wasn't for what happened to him. It was out of my own selfishness. That someone else, that he was here and I wasn't alone in this place anymore. It was an overwhelming feeling to see him once more that made my whole body shake as if it had been him who had died and not me.
A large, short sturdy arm wrapped around me and his paw rubbed at my back. It felt warm, the paw pads smooth and it was...comforting. I found him nuzzling back against me (the wiry whiskers scratching my face) and for a few moments we stayed just like this. I'm glad he didn't ask about it later or had said anything at the time. I'm still embarrassed over it. It wasn't my proudest moment.
I moved back away from him countless minutes (possibly hours) later; sitting back down and looking at him. He placed that large paw on my foot and looked at me with soft teal eyes. "I've been looking for you." He said softly, the corner of his black lipped muzzle pulling up slightly but made no other sign he was happy.
"Took you long enough." I chuckled a bit and found my words choking with tears. Damnit, when would it stop? I hugged myself feeling the coldness of this world seeping back in, away from his warmth, his comfort and the safety of his embrace. I touched my chest, were the fur was, and felt that warmth once more like a security blanket.
Tezca watched and stared at the wound. "It is unfortunate," he said once more. "But it was all I could do to keep you alive."
I laughed, actually laughed at that. "I'm alive then? So this isn't death? I'm not dead?"
Tezca lifted an eyebrow and looked around at the empty space. "This would be rather depressing if this was death."
"And boring." I chuckled.
"And boring." He repeated and Tezca smiled then. A closed lip smile thankfully, a fanged one would lose its appeal quickly. His eyes never strayed away from as if afraid I'd slip away like smoke.
"So...." I said slowly looking around as if waiting for our train to come to get us out of this place. "You must have been rather lonely." I'm not the best at sentimental moments. As I tried to address what I had seen.
"This place is maddening, yes." He gave a single nod.
"I didn't mean here." I said looking back up and into those eyes. I saw his ears fall back. "Why did you really go to that place? The tribe, it wasn't to make amends. Was it?"
Tezca didn't answer.
"You didn't think you could become...human, did you?" And he looked away and I knew I hit the mark. I almost laughed again but held it if only out of respect. Who would want to be human?
"As a beast." Tezca growled softly thinking hard over it as if trying to recall the time when he was a mindless animal. "I had few memories. Everything was instinct. Nothing more. I had no free thought and no real free will because of it. When I got the chance to experience it, what you humans had. I couldn't...go back."
"Like flowers for Algernon," I nodded thinking of the old book I had read as a kid.
Tezca gave me a quizzical look and I explained.
"Basically once you experience something real, knowing the truth about something you can never go back from not knowing that." I failed English if that wasn't obvious. I failed the paper on the book even if I liked it. "Even if you wanted too."
Tezca looked at me and I could almost feel him looking through my own thoughts before nodding in return. It was an...uncomfortable feeling as his own mind reached into my own to look around. "Yes. In gist, that is how it was. And I feared that I would one day return to my former self."
"Then you got spoiled rotten and became content with what you had?" I smiled and he gave me a similar look of amusement.
"A fat cat, as you would put it."
I just rolled my eyes.
Tezca got up moved around me and curled around my side and back, his tail wrapping around my front and continued as if he were still just sitting in front of me. He felt warm, I could smell that earthy natural musk from him and feel his strong lumbering breaths rising and falling. And I swore, if only for a half second, he purred.
"How do you like the patchwork I have done?" Tezca almost chuckled a strange sound really coming from the large jungle cat.
"It's shoddy at best." I found myself chuckling along as I touched the gaping hole in my chest. "Thank you." My apology was barely even a whisper.
Tezca didn't respond to it and looked up and around as if hearing something else that I couldn't.
"We're almost ready." He said softly lowering his head. "Before that begins," he moved away and turned to face me, only a foot away now. I could feel his hot, ragged breath on my face. Though I didn't mind. It made me know that I was alive and not actually dead. He took a heavy plopping seat and reached up to touch where the fur on my chest grew. "There is one last thing that needs to be done."
It was then I could see him fully in the darkness. He wasn't radiating light like my own body but still had a soft glow to it. And I knew what it was. There were pieces of him missing. As if he truly had donated a part of himself to me.
"Do...animals have souls?" I asked biting my lip as he looked at me.
He gave me a soft, sad smile. "They do not. Even those, like me, who have a conscious. When I was held as a God I felt as if I did. I grew in power from their worship and devotion for me. And it really felt as if, for the time I was, I had one. Humans have a great effect on the world around them.
"It might be why creatures of the dark strive so hard to intricate with humans. To envy them, desire what they have or even to vicariously live through them. For once it ends for us. It is over. No ever after." He said the last part with a sorrowful laugh. "Like a vampire turning to dust. We simply...
return to the soil in which we came. Recycled if you will. Even those of the Neverever."
I touched my chest. "That doesn't apply to you then does it?" I looked back up at him, at the faint semi glow of his body. A part of me knew it didn't belong to him. It was...too familiar. "Because you have me." My voice was almost accusing as if I suspected him of some crime. In a way, I did. And, to be honest, I was afraid of him.
"Essentially. Yes." Tezca didn't nod, didn't move and just looked at me appearing to be a statue once more. It was eerie as usual. "And what I ask will bind us, body and soul. And I will be able to... back pack my way along with you throughout the rest of your existence."
I gave a faint half-laugh. "Does that mean there really is an after life?"
"I do not know." Tezca said bluntly. "But I am not willing to take that chance. If only a slim one I wish to find out, to remain as I am and to not...to never go back to the way I was." His eyes became hard as stone and that fire burned a brilliant teal. "No matter the cost. I will not go back."
A part of me did understand how he felt. But I wasn't in his shoes...in his paws, whatever. I couldn't fully related only sympathize the best I could, with his blight. It must be hard to know what your end will be at least human can live in ambiguity to their fate.
"Then what's the plan." I asked. He could be a lot like Marco, which pissed me off. Always avoiding the questions and dancing around the answer.
Tezca looked at me, he liked doing that. Reading over my face, my expression, reading my thoughts and feeling my own emotions on the matter before he answered, responding in a way he knew would work. In the end...I didn't even really know how Tezca felt, his opinion always biased knowing my reaction. And would change his response in such a way to work in his favor.
"It will bind us, body and soul. Our minds will remain our own though they may bleed over to one another in some parts. You will be a part of my world and I will be a part of yours. It is a simple ritual of binding. And we," he reach up to touch his own chest and I could see nails spring forth. "Are going to form a pact, a contract that can never be broken." Those nails dug into his own chest and I saw blood running down it.
A part of me repeated those words he had spoke. "No matter the cost."
His face contorted a bit, grimacing in a sharp pain as his paw slowly sunk inside beneath the tawny yellow fur, thick hide.
"I will get to see what the end really is. And you will get to live." Simple and blunt. How lawyers should really do things.
Tezca paw punctured his chest and with a sickening ripping sound pulled out his own, still beating heart and offered it to me. The crimson red organ was dripping blood, soaking his large paw and dripping onto the ground.
"Tell me one thing first." And I got a soft chuckle from that.
"I rip out my heart and you wish to take the time to discuss this?" Tezca raised an eyebrow and gave a strange coughing roar like laugh. A sound a jaguar makes apparently. "Humans. Even throughout the ages you never cease to amuse me." I frowned and gave him a moment to wipe a false tear from his eye. Don't ask me how he remained upright even though both his front legs were off the ground.
"Were you lonely." I asked. A simple thing. A simple thing to one who never had to go without it. Something you overlook in your day to day lives. Something you don't know you have until it's gone.
Life was hard when I left Marco. I won't lie. I did things I'm not proud of to survive, stabbed people in the back and have made more than one shady deal just to get by. And countless enemies from it. I had no one. No one to rely on, to trust. I was alone. A heavy price to pay to try and forget my past.
"This darkness is suffocating. It drives even the strongest of creatures mad. Locked away like this with nothing, no one. It allowed me to reflect at the very least to know that arrogance and pride are not worth the sacrofice for it-," Tezca spoke looking around at the emptiness but I cut him off as he drew to a finish. Great he was able to reflect, mediate on himself. That wasn't my question though.
"That's not what I meant." The jaguar turned his large head to look at me confused. "When you were with them. The tribe of people. Were you lonely?"
He lifted an eyebrow and once more I could see him reading me like an open book. Or more like a dictionary trying to find the right words for what I meant. I got a picture of the large jaguar with half moon glasses reading over a large book in a library from it.
Tezca's head fell though he smiled at the corner of his broad muzzle. "To be worship is the farthest thing from being understood. And like a genius, I could not connect with my...peers." He gave a soft coughing chuckle once more, it was dark though and a growl followed. "They never wanted me. Only the power I brought to them. So they could take from the other tribes, to use me, to fight their enemy and in the end, my reward? To getting sealed away and trapped to siphon all my power away to fight the new threat from the outside world."
His teeth clenched tightly in a snapping sound and I flinched back from the force of it. My head could already fit into that muzzle and I knew what those powerful jaws could do. My head would be like a soft tomato in his maw. Red goo and all. I did not want to have him as an enemy, ever.
"They died before they even got the chance to use it." I told him remembering what I had seen.
"I hated them for it." Tezca spoke after taking a moment to register what I had said. "I lashed out at you because of it. Like some vengeful spirit. I can blame this place, this silence for causing it. Though it was true. Even so, I can only ask for your forgiveness for my shame. It was not my proudest moment." And I smiled at that.
"That's my line." And with that I took his heart with both hands, brought it to my chest and pushed against the tawny yellow jaguar fur there was, accepting it. "Uh," I said as the organ squished against my chest and blood oozed down my front.
"You have to...eat it." Tezca clarified and I just looked at him, jaw dropping.